Chapter 21 CHAPTER 20

Xu Chen, who just got off the night shift, originally wanted to go home to catch up on sleep, so he never thought that he would be bumped into by a girl on the way back to the office.Then, before he could react, she had fallen down pale like a paper doll that had lost its life. It’s not as good as reaching out to support her in the TV series—in fact, after she fell to the ground, when he heard the boy behind her yell “Ms. Yu” in horror, he turned from the pale face I saw the shadow of the girl from the past. At that moment, his heart almost stopped beating. Now, he finally knows what it feels like when the heart stops working instantly: the blood in the brain vessels is rushing rapidly, but the heart is intermittently insufficient in blood supply, all body language is condensed together, the whole person froze, together with the gaze , fixed into a hard-to-melt piece.

  he did not want to see her.It has been three weeks since he returned to his hometown for an internship. Every day, he wants to muster up the courage to visit the Teachers College, but in the end he always gives up.He knew that he didn't dare - didn't dare to look at her happy smiling face, didn't dare to look at her figure in pairs with another person, didn't dare to look at her calm expression when greeting him. I’m even afraid to hear her introduce herself to the person next to her. How will she introduce herself? Maybe she will say "This is Xu Chen, my high school classmate", or "Xu Chen, my friend"...but no matter she No matter what, he could guess that his heart must be bleeding.

She should be happy, like all girls who find love, she is full of energy and looking forward to brilliance.   but in front of her, is not. He couldn't remember how he picked her up in a panic, turned around and ran back.Maybe he should run very fast, because when his consciousness gradually flew back to his mind, he had already seen her lying on the hospital bed, quietly infusing fluid.There was no blood on her face at all, and she had lost a lot of weight, but her expression was very peaceful. He stayed by his side all the time. Nurses came in and out to inject and pull out the needles for the patients in several adjacent beds. Many people stared at him as if they were inquiring, but he turned a deaf ear to them.He knew how curious they were, but at this moment, he could only see one of her.

Maybe it was after the breakup that he realized how much he cherished this long-preserved relationship, from a touch of care to a strong attachment!   But her, she should have forgotten it. Actually, there were many times when he wanted to go home, return to her, and tell her that he was still waiting for her, waiting for her to come back, even if he turned around a lot, as long as he returned to the original place, he could still see him.However, he has no courage. He imagined a lot of meeting scenes, just because there would be another person beside her, so all his imaginations became bone-chillingly cold for him.

He just didn't expect them to meet in such a scene.What's more, he didn't expect to see those surprises, hesitation, hesitation, and restraint from her eyes... When her tears rolled down, it seemed to hit his heart, which was painful. He finally raised his hand and gently wiped away her tears, but new tears came out again, as if wiping more and more. He had to speak: "Don't cry, you should be happy to meet your old classmates."  "Old classmate"! The title slammed into Yu Lele's eardrums, her breathing stopped and her heart was quickly squeezed into a hard ball.

Is it an "old schoolmate"? It turned out that it was really just an "old classmate". There is nothing more sad than death of heart--death of heart, of course there will be no tears. She stretched out her hand, wiped off the remaining tears on her face, and wanted to sit up under his gaze.He stretched out his hand to support her, straightened up the pillow, and gently helped her to sit on it.At that moment, he was very close to her, as close as when she stood in front of him many years ago, she could reach out and hug each other. Then he sat back on her bedside, looked at her and asked, "You still donate blood with your body?"

His voice was still so nice, she watched him, not knowing where he got the whole story.She looked up at the door, but suddenly found Pang Yi standing there, staring at them quietly and silently.  "Pang Yi, how is Meng Xiaoyu?" She turned her eyes away from Xu Chen and asked. Pang Yi was stunned for a moment, but still replied: "I'm sent to the intensive care unit. If I can survive tonight, I should be fine." Yu Lele smiled: "That's good." She looked at the one-third of the glucose bag left on her head, and reached out to pull out the needle.Xu Chen suddenly reacted, stretched out his hand to block it, and looked at her sullenly: "Don't mess around."

“I have to go and see my students,” she said.  "After you finish the infusion, I'll accompany you to see it." The imperative sentence, in an unquestionable tone.  "I'm fine," she insisted, and smiled at him: "Really, I'm not lying to you."   "No." He is a rare stubborn. She looked at his face and finally gave up.She waved her hand, called Pang Yi to her side, and told her carefully: "Don't go back to class to talk about my fainting, you hurry back to class, and I will go to the intensive care unit to accompany you after the infusion. In the two composition classes, the last composition has been corrected and placed on the desk, and you will send it to the class in the afternoon. The new composition topics and requirements are all written in my textbook. You can arrange it for everyone, and the get out of class is over. Then put it away and put it on my desk."

She looked at Pang Yi and nodded, smiling: "Thank you, Pang Yi."  Pang Yi took the order to leave. Near noon, the number of patients receiving infusion in the observation room gradually decreased, and in the end there were only the two of them, sitting face to face, not talking. In fact, they both have a lot to say, but they don't know what to say. He stood up, walked to the window, gently pulled down the blinds to block the glare of the noon sun, her eyes followed him, and she seemed to realize that he looked so good in a white doctor's gown.   he has always been good-looking.

  that moment, as if time went back. It seems that, still in the small classroom of the Experimental Middle School, the girl stared at the boy in front of her with stubborn eyes. His foot stepped on her stool, leaving a dirty footprint, and she shook her hand, leaving him The homework book was thrown on the wet floor. It seems that they are still in the forest park in the south of the urban area. They lie side by side on the green grass, looking up at the sky with their arms on their pillows.It was a sunny day with no clouds in sight.The gentle wind blowing over is the best weather I have ever seen in my life.

It seemed that she was still behind the teaching building of No. 1 Middle School, and she was crying bitterly, while he was at a loss.She hadn't fallen in love with him then, and he was just a best friend with a shoulder to cry on.   seems, or in the cold winter mountain top, she climbed up panting, almost shed tears when she saw him.At that moment, all the hatred no longer existed for her, she wanted him to be good, as long as he was good, she could give the most precious thing in this world... She finally knew that after waiting for so long, she was still waiting. It turned out that it was just because she still had illusions. Because I always feel that there will be such a day, when he stands beside me, even if he doesn't say a word, it will make people feel warm.  On the day Meng Xiaoyu was finally out of danger, Yu Lele was also told that his job was in jeopardy. Li Jing's expression was distressed: "Yu Lele, how could you be so hasty? Why didn't you tell the school about such a big matter?" Yu Lele looked at Li Jing with a flat expression, and remained silent. Li Jing sighed for a long time, stretched out her hand to hold Yu Lele, but didn't know what to say for a while. She knew that Yu Lele probably knew everything she wanted to say. This mistake is neither big nor small.If you want to talk about it in a big way, it means that you don’t have a strong sense of responsibility; if you want to talk about it in a small way, it means that you have no experience.If it is wrong, it is because Yu Lele is still a student. She is used to thinking about problems for students, but she ignores that she is already a teacher. The teacher's position can never be equal to the student's position. This point, Li Jing couldn't remember when she began to understand it, but she believed that from now on, Yu Lele must have kept this truth in her heart. The price is really too heavy. It's not a trivial matter—on Yu Lele's career as a teacher, it was a blow from the sky, and even flew all over the Chinese Department of Teachers College, Ren Yuan was furious, but he was powerless.   irreversible ending, we can only accept.Yu Lele smiled wryly under the pity eyes of the students again. Yu Lele, the most outstanding girl in the history of the Chinese Department of Teachers College, became the most tragic female number one in the history of the Chinese Department overnight.Almost logically, the old distance and the estrangement between classmates gradually dissipated as these things happened.After all, for everyone, when Yu Lele is no longer so smooth, after her flamboyant and hard edges gradually converge, in everyone's eyes, Yu Lele has become more ordinary and cute. Thus, throughout June, everyone was busy saying goodbye and counting the warm past and past. What came to mind was the warm and sweet student days.At this time, many people, including Yu Lele, understood what the word "classmate" meant-it was a ticket that would never expire, and with it, no matter when and where, you can find it unimpeded. you. Someone has started to sign employment agreements with middle schools one after another, Xu Yin got her wish and went to the TV station, even Haiping's political review was successfully passed, and she entered the medical examination step.Only Yu Lele was her "unemployed youth" as if nothing had happened. Ren Yuan couldn't stand it any longer, and contacted various schools every day, wanting to recommend a job for Yu Lele, but basically all the schools had already signed agreements with interns, and it was unlikely that Yu Lele's birth would go smoothly . Uncle Yu was also a little anxious, and asked Yu Lele: "I am a little familiar with the principals of several schools, do you want to..." "No." Yu Lele had already blocked Uncle Yu's mouth before he finished speaking.  "Lele, you can't be impulsive," mother frowned slightly: "Actually, we all know that this incident was just an accident. If you're not an intern teacher, at best it can be resolved with a warning or criticism at a meeting. But you are an intern, so small things can be treated as big things. This doesn't mean anything, you can't give up because of this, isn't it your ideal to be a teacher?" "Mom, how do you know that being a teacher is my ideal?" Yu Lele looked at her mother with a smile. Mom laughed: "My daughter, can I still not know?" Yu Lele was slightly taken aback. She always thought that her mother didn't understand herself. She always thought that her mother didn't understand herself. However, perhaps, she is the one who knows herself best. After a long time, Yu Lele finally raised her face, smiled and said to her mother: "Mom, don't worry, I know what to do. I have grown up, what to do, how to do it, where to do it, I want to think about it. " Mom and Uncle Yu looked at each other and finally nodded. Yu Lele tilted his head and saw Yu Tian grinning behind them, his eyes collided, he stretched out his hand to make a victory gesture for himself. Yu Lele also laughed.  Xu Chen, who just got off the night shift, was going home to catch up on sleep, so he never thought that he would be bumped into by a girl on the way back to the office.Then, before he could react, she had fallen down pale like a paper doll that had lost its life. It's not as good as reaching out to support her in the TV series - in fact, after she fell to the ground, when he heard the boy behind her yell "Mr. Yu" in horror, he looked at her from that pale face. To the shadow of that girl of old. At that moment, his heart almost stopped beating. Now, he finally knows what it feels like when the heart stops working instantly: the blood in the brain vessels is rushing rapidly, but the heart is intermittently insufficient in blood supply, all body language is condensed together, and the whole person froze, together with the eyes, fixed into a hard-to-melt piece. It's not that he didn't want to see her.It has been three weeks since he returned to his hometown for an internship. Every day, he wants to muster up the courage to visit the Teachers College, but in the end he always gives up.He knew that he didn't dare - didn't dare to look at her happy smiling face, didn't dare to look at her figure in pairs with another person, didn't dare to look at her calm expression when greeting him. I was even afraid to hear her introduce herself to the person next to her. How would she introduce herself? Maybe she would say "This is Xu Chen, my high school classmate", or "Xu Chen, my friend"... But no matter what she said , he could guess that his heart must be bleeding. She should be happy, like all girls who find love, with high spirits and hopeful looks. But in front of her, she is not. He couldn't remember how he picked her up in a panic, turned around and ran back.Maybe he should run very fast, because when his consciousness gradually flew back to his mind, he had already seen her lying on the hospital bed, quietly infusing fluid.There was no blood on her face at all, and she had lost a lot of weight, but her expression was very peaceful. He stayed by his side all the time. Nurses came in and out to inject and pull out the needles of the patients in the adjacent beds. Many people stared at him inquiringly, but he turned a deaf ear to them.He knew how curious they were, but at this moment, he could only see one of her. Perhaps it was only after he broke up with him that he realized how much he cherished this long-standing relationship, from light care to strong attachment! But as for her, she should have forgotten it. In fact, there were many times when he wanted to go home, go back to her, and tell her that he was still waiting for her, and when she came back, even if he turned around a lot, as long as he returned to the original place, he could still see him.However, he has no courage. He had envisioned many scenes of meeting, just because there would be another person beside her, so all his imagination became bone-chillingly cold for him. He just didn't expect them to meet in such a scene.What's more, he didn't expect to see those surprises, hesitation, hesitation, and restraint from her eyes... When her tears rolled down, it seemed to hit his heart, which was painful. He finally raised his hand and gently wiped away her tears, but new tears came out again, as if wiping more and more. He had to speak: "Don't cry, you should be happy to meet your old classmates." "old classmate"! This title slammed into Yu Lele's eardrums, her breathing stopped and her heart was quickly squeezed into a hard ball. Is it "old schoolmate"? It turned out that it was really just an "old classmate". There is nothing more sorrowful than a dead heart—with a dead heart, of course there will be no tears. She stretched out her hand, wiped away the remaining tears on her face, and wanted to sit up under his gaze.He stretched out his hand to support her, straightened up the pillow, and gently helped her to sit on it.At that moment, he was very close to her, as close as when she stood in front of him many years ago, she could reach out and hug each other. Then he sat back on her bed, looked at her and asked, "You still donate blood with your body?" His voice was still so nice, she stared at him, not knowing where he got the whole story from.She looked up at the door, but suddenly found Pang Yi standing there, staring at them quietly and silently. "Pang Yi, how is Meng Xiaoyu?" She turned her eyes away from Xu Chen and asked. Pang Yi was stunned for a moment, but still replied: "It's sent to the intensive care unit. If you can survive tonight, you should be fine." Yu Lele smiled: "That's good." She looked at the one third of the glucose bag left on her head, and reached out to pull out the needle.Xu Chen suddenly reacted, stretched out his hand to block it, and looked at her sullenly: "Don't mess around." "I have to go see my students," she said. "After you finish the infusion, I'll accompany you to see it." The imperative sentence, in an unquestionable tone. "I'm fine," she insisted, and smiled at him: "Really, I won't lie to you." "No." He was unusually stubborn. She looked at his face and finally gave up.She waved her hand, called Pang Yi to her side, and told her carefully: "Don't go back to class to talk about my fainting, you hurry back to class, and I will go to the intensive care unit to accompany you after the infusion. In the two composition classes, the last composition has been corrected and placed on the desk, and you will send it to the class in the afternoon. The new composition topics and requirements are all written in my textbook. You can arrange it for everyone, and the get out of class is over. Then put it away and put it on my desk." She looked at Pang Yi and nodded, and smiled: "Thank you, Pang Yi." Pang Yi took the order to go. Near noon, the number of patients receiving infusion in the observation room gradually decreased. In the end, only the two of them were left, sitting face to face, not talking. In fact, they both have a lot to say, but they don't know what to say. He stood up, walked to the window, and gently pulled down the blinds to block the glare of the noon sun. Her eyes followed him, and she seemed to realize that he looked so good in a white doctor's gown. He has always been good looking. At that moment, it was like turning back time. It seems that, in the small classroom of the Experimental Middle School, the girl stared at the boy in front of her with stubborn eyes. His foot stepped on her stool, leaving a dirty footprint, and she shook her hand and put his homework on the ground. Ben dropped to the wet floor. It seems that they are still in the forest park in the south of the urban area. They are lying side by side on the green grass, looking up at the sky with their arms on their pillows.It was a sunny day with no clouds in sight.The gentle wind blowing over is the best weather I have ever seen in my life. It seemed that she was still in the back of the teaching building of No. 1 Middle School, and she was crying bitterly, while he was at a loss.She hadn't fallen in love with him then, and he was just a best friend with a shoulder to cry on. It seemed that, still on the cold mountaintop in winter, she climbed up panting, and almost shed tears the moment she saw him.At that moment, all the hatred no longer existed for her, she wanted him to be good, as long as he was good, she could give the most precious thing in this world... She finally knew that after waiting for so long, she was still waiting. It turned out that it was just because she still had illusions. Because I always feel that there will be a day like this, when he stands beside me, even if he doesn't say a word, it will make people feel warm. On the day Meng Xiaoyu was finally out of danger, Yu Lele was also told that her work was in jeopardy. Li Jing's expression was heartbroken: "Yu Lele, how could you be so hasty? Why didn't you tell the school about such a big matter?" Yu Lele looked at Li Jing with a flat expression, and remained silent. Li Jing sighed for a long time, stretched out her hand to hold Yu Lele, but didn't know what to say for a while. She knew that Yu Lele probably knew everything she wanted to say. This mistake is neither big nor small.If you want to talk about it in a big way, it means that you don’t have a strong sense of responsibility; if you want to talk about it in a small way, it means that you have no experience.If it is wrong, it is because Yu Lele is still a student. She is used to thinking about problems for students, but she ignores that she is already a teacher. The teacher's position can never be equal to the student's position. Li Jing couldn't remember when she began to understand this point, but she believed that from now on, Yu Lele must have kept this truth in her heart. This price is really too heavy. It was not a trivial matter—it was a sudden blow to Yu Lele's career as a teacher, and it even flew all over the Chinese Department of Teachers College. Ren Yuan was furious, but he was powerless. The irreversible ending can only be accepted.Yu Lele smiled wryly under the pity eyes of the students again. Yu Lele, the best girl in the history of the Chinese Department of Teachers College, became the most tragic female number one in the history of the Chinese Department overnight.Almost logically, the old distance and the estrangement between classmates gradually dissipated as these things happened.After all, for everyone, when Yu Lele is no longer so smooth, after her flamboyant and hard edges gradually converge, in everyone's eyes, Yu Lele has become more ordinary and cute. So, throughout June, everyone was busy saying goodbye and counting the warm past and past. What came to mind was the warm and sweet student days.At this time, many people, including Yu Lele, understood what the word "classmate" meant-it was a ticket that would never expire, and with it, no matter when and where, you can find it unimpeded. you. Some people have started to sign employment agreements with middle schools one after another. Xu Yin went to the TV station as she wished, and even Haiping passed the political review and entered the medical examination step.Only Yu Lele was her "unemployed youth" as if nothing had happened. Ren Yuan couldn't stand it anymore, and contacted the schools every day, wanting to recommend jobs for Yu Lele, but the schools had basically signed agreements with the interns, and it was unlikely that Yu Lele's birth would go smoothly. Uncle Yu was also a little anxious, and asked Yu Lele: "I am a little familiar with the heads of several schools, do you want to..." "No." Before the words finished, Yu Lele had already blocked Uncle Yu's mouth. "Lele, you can't be impulsive," mother frowned slightly: "Actually, we all know that this incident was just an accident. If you are not an intern teacher, at best you can solve it with a warning or criticism at a meeting. But you It's an internship, so small things can be treated as big things. This doesn't mean anything, you can't give up because of this, isn't it your ideal to be a teacher?" "Mom, how do you know that being a teacher is my ideal?" Yu Lele looked at her mother with a smile. Mother smiled: "My daughter, can I still not know?" Yu Lele was slightly taken aback. She always thought that her mother didn't understand herself. She always thought that her mother didn't understand herself for those scoldings and nagging at every turn when she was a child, and the estrangement and loneliness after her father's death. But, perhaps, she is the one who knows her best. After a long time, Yu Lele finally raised her face, smiled and said to her mother: "Mom, don't worry, I know everything. I have grown up, what to do, how to do it, and where to do it, I want to think about it carefully." Mom and Uncle Yu looked at each other and finally nodded. Yu Lele tilted his head and saw Yu Tian grinning behind them, his eyes collided, and he stretched out his hand to show himself a victory gesture. Yu Lele also smiled. Big ups and downs, Yu Lele was probably talking about. In June, when almost everyone had decided the overall situation, Yu Lele stood with Lian Haiping on the trestle by the sea with a calm expression.The sky is high and the water is wide, the rippling waves reveal golden sunshine lines, seagulls fly across the sky and the sea, and their long chirps render a natural silence in the background of the city cars passing by behind them. Just standing on this high trestle bridge, standing on the vast sea in this city, she has not gone far, but she began to miss it. The future is a hot air balloon with no direction. She knows that she can fly high into the sky by riding it, but she doesn't know where the next wind will take her. Where to go, in this June, has become an unknown mystery. Or maybe it's not a mystery. Because, after a stalemate for so long, you have to make a decision after all, right? The future or love, home or distance, persistence or parting, these are all choices. Overnight, I fell from a statue of a talented woman placed on a high place, and became a bystander of everyone's happy future, with an undecided fate, sadness of loss, and pain that can never be expressed. Stand quietly outside the crowd. In Class 1 of Chinese Language and Literature of the Chinese Department, there are not many people who have not signed an employment agreement, and I am one of them. In the eyes of others, what will you look like at this moment? Desperate, lonely, lonely... These words are always indispensable, and they are also "poor". Put it 10 years ago, I would definitely feel depressed, and even cursed, cursing this or that kind of injustice; Put it 8 years ago, I would definitely feel sad and feel abandoned by the world, but how can an abandoned baby complain? Fair; 6 years ago, I would have felt frustrated, although I was no longer desperate, but still sad; 3 years ago, I would have felt the world turned upside down, and I would not understand how I, who pursued perfection, became the disheartened person I am today The appearance of ... But today, these will not be. 10 years, is this growing up? I have grown up, so I no longer blindly resent "fate", and no longer blame others for all my frustrations.When she was studying "History of Western Literature", she heard the teacher talk about the relationship between "tragedy of character" and "tragedy of fate". At that time, the teacher said that the tragedy of King Oedipus is a grand tragedy of fate. Cursed by fate, and then let the sad emotions run through his life and impress the audience.The teacher said that such tragedies are easier for audiences and readers to remember. But life told her Yu Lele: In this world, tragedies of fate are rare after all, and there is never a blessing from heaven or a predetermined misfortune.Most tragedies in this world begin with character tragedies. Perhaps, the tragedy of many people's fate is itself a tragedy of character, nothing more. She doesn't want to be bound by the so-called "fate". She doesn't believe that if she falls down, she can't get up again. When she stood in that bustling hall and filled out the registration form, she knew that this time, it was the road she chose, so if the road was windy and windy, she would never regret it. She guessed that Ren Yuan should have heard the news by now, maybe he will talk to her tomorrow, and she doesn't know what he will say: Will he agree with her choice, or persuade herself to give up? However, she will persist no matter what. In the distance is the impenetrable horizon, light blue sky, dark blue ocean, and in the cool sea breeze, she can feel Lian Haiping's gaze looking at her.It's been four years, thank you for always being by my side, but when he gave up the great opportunity to stay, how can she tell him that she is leaving. Just when she mustered up the courage to speak, he spoke before her: "Listen to Xu Yin, have you seen him?" It took a few seconds, she looked him in the eyes, to realize who the "he" he was talking about was. She was absent for a moment. "Yes," she finally nodded and looked at him with a smile: "I saw you in the hospital that day." Lian Haiping was silent, she saw the pain and sadness in his eyes, maybe it was just a flash, but "Is he still leaving?" Lian Haiping finally asked. "It should be gone." Yu Lele smiled slightly and looked at the sea in the distance. The sun cast a layer of gold on her face, which was warm and vivid. She didn't tell Lian Haiping that after the meeting that day, she and Xu Chen never met again. Although, knowing that he was just a few feet away, knowing that we were breathing the air of the same city, and even waking up every morning, I wanted to go to the hospital to see him, but I still didn't contact him again. They should have been passing by each other long ago, shouldn't they? Separation and reunion, reunion and separation, that is the torture that only exists in romance novels. If it is not repeated, the story will not be good. Everyone likes the comedy ending after the tragic process. The tenacity and uncompromising reunion after going through hardships is the ideal in every reader's heart. However, life is not a novel, let alone a drama. So, she didn't tell everyone about the openness with Xu Jianping after that day.It was still in the same coffee shop where they negotiated two years ago, Xu Jianping didn't look old, but Yu Lele's face was a little calmer.That day, Xu Jianping asked Yu Lele the same way: "Have you seen him?" Yu Lele looked at her, her eyes were filled with worry, fear, hesitation, and worry... Yu Lele told her categorically: "We will never get together again." Xu Jianping was obviously dumbfounded by such a straightforward approach to the subject. Yu Lele smiled and looked at her: "Auntie, you should know that Xu Chen is more proud than me." Yes, they are all proud people, people who need self-confidence and self-esteem to survive.They have experienced the ups and downs of life, losing their loved ones, feeling betrayal, experiencing loneliness, and losing their way out. These things that ordinary people may spend a lifetime experiencing, they have completed before the age of 20.They are more rational, stubborn, and tenacious than ordinary people. They need a sacrifice and a harvest to tell themselves that their lives are full of value rather than stains and flaws. They need those equal eyes in life, not contempt, hostility, and contempt. So far, she still remembers the days when she was with Xu Chen, she was cautious, she thought twice, and she had to be vigilant against those self-esteem traps when she was with him, such days were actually very tiring. It's just that they loved each other deeply at that time, so they were willing to grit their teeth and carry it. At that time, I also seemed to be deceiving myself and refused to think: In life, those realistic blows and constant wind and rain may gradually wear away each other's passion and belief, and the love that I would rather give up many things and stick to it may not be worth it. Living in the waste of day after day. "Poverty and lowly couples are sad for all things"-this boundless life will tell you that the word "poverty" does not only refer to material poverty, because the blow of reality and the lack of future may be the most fatal injury to a man. This kind of future is not what she wants to give him. So, their life trajectories make them different from those who can go back.For them, once they give up, it is very difficult to go back. Well, the current ending may not necessarily be perfect for each other. Only, it is unfair to Lian Haiping. He waited for her just like she waited for Xu Chen before: he knew that he would never forget Xu Chen in his life, and he knew that he might not return to China even if he had completed his studies, but he still felt faintly unwilling , I don't want to leave my love and expectations in the dust.Then, this kind of mood may also be Lian Haiping's mood. He was waiting for Yu Lele to go from watching to bowing his head, from waiting to giving up.It seemed that as long as she was waiting for Xu Chen one day, he would be waiting for her all the time.For her, he can give up the opportunity to study in the provincial capital; for her, he is willing to stay in this small seaside town—in fact, Yu Lele is not unaware that if he is willing, he is fully qualified after graduating from a prestigious university with a master's degree in three years. Apply for provincial organs and even central ministries and commissions.If it wasn't for her, with Lian Haiping's quality and background, why set the starting point so low? However, she couldn't make any promises to him. At least until she found her own direction, she couldn't promise any direction to Lian Haiping. And he was still willing to wait. It turns out that the most depressing watch in the world is the endless but stubborn waiting. In a blink of an eye, on Monday, the Chinese Department once again set off a huge wave: Yu Lele had previously signed up to participate in the "Teacher Support Program in Thirteen Regions, Cities and Townships" organized by the Youth League Committee, Education Bureau, and Personnel Bureau, and had successfully passed it.In August, she will embark on a westbound train to work as a teacher in a town not far from Jinzhai Township, Puyin County. Everyone was amazed: Yu Lele was so willing to throw herself in a remote and backward mountain village? In fact, it wasn't just the teachers and classmates who were surprised - Yu Lele's brilliant resume almost stunned the examiners when he signed up in the hall of the Youth League Committee that day. First-class scholarship, member of the Communist Party of China, provincial three-good student, several provincial-level first prizes for essays, and published more than 100 articles in journals above the provincial level... On that day, almost all the examiners asked: such an excellent student, why did you come to us? Sign up here? The implication: Such an excellent student has a bright future and can work anywhere. Why should he become a rural teacher? Yu Lele can only answer: I went to Puyin to support education in my sophomore year, and I have always wanted to do something for rural education. The perfect answer made the examiner nod and shake his head frequently: he nodded because he thought this girl was kind and noble, but shaking his head felt a bit pity. And the students in the department knew that Yu Lele's failure in the internship was also a coincidence. After all, she was not at the point of desperation. Did she make such a decisive choice? Xu Yin even asked puzzledly: "Yu Lele, are you self-abuse?" Yu Lele smiled—it's human nature. Although he is full of respect for rural teachers, more people can't bear to let the people they care about suffer. Only she knows: this time, she hopes to go to a distant place and spend three years or even longer to understand herself. The future is always unknown. In the face of those unknowns, each of us will be a little bit at a loss.It’s just that the difference between the winner and the loser is that the winner continues to do what they should do in a daze, thinking while doing it, thinking about themselves and the way ahead; while the loser is just blankly dazed, drifting with the flow, letting himself The fate of fate slides along the established direction. Yu Lele wants to be the former. 她清楚，假使留在这个城市，她仍然可以去某个中学或者某个小学做老师，然后和一个人结婚，有一个家，从此过着波澜不惊的生活。 是循规蹈矩与按部就班的生活，或许安逸稳定，可是她无法从中感到快乐。 她已经被生活磨去了太多的激情与冲劲，只留下膨胀的理智，有很久了，她甚至不知道自己是不是还想做个老师，是不是还想把自己的一生都奉献给三尺讲台。那么这一次，就当是自己拼尽全部残余的“不理智”所打下的一个赌好了——就用这个赌来告诉自己，自己想沿一条什么样的道路走下去。 因为，无论是放弃，还是继续，总需要一个选择。 一个发自内心的选择。 好在，蒲荫虽远还没有出省，想家了就回来看看，三年服务期满，一旦她找到自己想找的路，还有再次选择的机会。 三年，就算是个缓冲吧，像很多同学选择读研缓冲人生一样，她也将要在一个有起伏山峦的地方，静静地，为自己找一个未来了。 送行那天来的人很多：爸爸、妈妈、于天，庄悦薇、孟小羽、逄奕，徐茵、铁馨、杨潞宁、连海平，甚至连任远都来了。 他们拥抱她，说一些祝福的话，即将回南方的杨潞宁和考上研究生的铁馨甚至掉了泪，而连海平，他不说话，只是微笑着站在那里，似乎是用目光告诉她：我在这里等你回来。 只是眼神碰撞的刹那，然而她读懂了。 庄悦薇也哭了，她一头扎进余乐乐怀里，泣不成声。孟小羽站在她身边，看着余乐乐带有叮嘱的眼神，低声说：“老师，对不起。” 话不多，可是余乐乐欣慰地笑了。她知道，经历了这次死亡线上的挣扎，孟小羽也长大了。 孟小羽声音低低的，又说：“老师，你放心。” 余乐乐点点头，微笑着看着他，她终于可以放心了。 而妈妈，她拉住她的手，微笑着说：“国庆节回家吧。” 她的声音里，充满期待。 余乐乐点点头，给妈妈一个紧紧的拥抱。 列车终于要发车了，余乐乐回身走进车厢，看车外的人们在冲她招手。她一抬头，却蓦地发现不远处高高石柱旁边，那个熟悉的身影。 是许宸！ 这个夏天，她总是如此突然地看见他。 隔着那么远，她整个人都凝固住了，她看着他的眼睛，甚至都能看到里面的忧伤与祝福。 他静静地站在那里，静静地看着她，远离人群，孤独的身影却仍然带有卓尔不群的气质。 依然是那个好看的男孩子啊。 余乐乐的眼眶渐渐湿润了，她这才想起自己都没有来得及告诉他：你穿白色医生袍的样子，很好看。 她多么希望这一生都能看见他在她身边，穿着白色医生袍，对她微笑。 那笑容，穿越重重浓重雾霭，洒一路灿烂阳光，温暖无限。 可是，她希望他走，走到国境线以外，走到那些刺伤他的往事以外，走到她带来的伤害以外。 列车开动的瞬间，她终于伸出手，朝远方那个渐渐看不见的身影挥挥手。 渐渐，就只看见满眼的绿色，农田快速闪过，列车飞驰，带她奔向未知的以后。 不是旺季，车厢里人不多，她看看对面空荡荡的座位，终于忍不住泪流满面。 这才发现似乎真的很少说那句话——即便是曾经热恋的时候，似乎，都没有对你说：许宸，我爱你。 是真的，曾经，爱过你。 十年花开十年爱，如果你能听到我心里的话，请你幸福。 请我们大家，都一定、一定要幸福！ end 三年，或许并不是很长的一段时间。 余乐乐教书的学校叫“岱阳实验小学”，是全乡最好的小学。本来她想去更偏远一点的地方任教，可大概是因为这里缺少好老师的缘故，乡里的主管部门没有同意。 余乐乐就住在学校里，很简单的操场后面，简单的两层楼，就是这所中学全部的家当。 学校里的学生大多家境不好，每天都有学生想要辍学。余乐乐教书到第二年的时候，班里的学生已经从22名锐减到13名。 空荡荡的教室里，每说一个字都会有回声。 余乐乐的家访路大概就是从那时候开始的。 跨越一座山、两条河，余乐乐一点点踏遍山坳深处的每一个村子。山里不通公交车，她只能搭三轮摩托进山，再搭赶集的车出山。夏天炎热的日光下，颠簸的山路上她吐了多少回连自己也记不清了，只恍然发现不知从什么时候开始，她再也不晕车了。 相比本科时代蜻蜓点水的支教经历而言，这一次的支教生活让她真正了解了贫苦人家的生活。 段萍、段珍姐妹是她教的第一批学生，也是最先辍学的两个女孩子。双胞胎，长得很像，唯一的区别是姐姐段萍很少说话，而妹妹段珍则相对开朗。两姐妹的成绩都很好，余乐乐相信他们即便是升了初中也依然会是好学生。 和城里孩子相比，这里的小学生年龄普遍偏大。她教二年级语文的时候，段萍姐妹已经11岁了。据说，是因为家境实在太拮据，拖到9岁才让女儿读书。而山里的女孩子读书也不过就是为了能识几个简单的字，所以到四年级的时候，她们姐妹就双双辍学了。 余乐乐第一次到段家村，第一次看见段萍姐妹的家，就忍不住想掉眼泪：随时都可能倒塌的房屋，简单陈旧的桌子与柜子。高高的土炕上被褥已经补了又补，露出发霉的棉花来。这是一个失去了男主人，而女主人又没有劳动能力的家庭。余乐乐似乎马上就明白了段萍姐妹辍学的原因。 她看着段萍姐妹忙里忙外的样子，她们显然为老师能来自己家而感到些许的激动。余乐乐终于忍不住，问段萍：“如果你想上学，老师资助你好不好？” 本以为她会很高兴，可是这个13岁的女孩子居然开口说：“不好。” 余乐乐有点不明白，她下意识问：“为什么？” 小女孩低垂眼帘，说：“要花钱。” 余乐乐急忙解释：“学费老师掏，不用你花钱。” 可谁知小女孩马上算出一笔清楚的帐：“学校太远了，坐车一天来回4毛钱，可是我不上学，在家里帮妈妈编筐，一天还能赚四五毛钱。” 余乐乐没说话，只是扭过头，悄悄擦去眼角的泪水。 而在另一个男孩路西强家，她更是被锅里的食物深深震撼：一锅粥，凝固了，却是一家三口一天的口粮；菜缸里十几根已经腌得发灰、长了霉斑的胡萝卜，就是他们的蔬菜…… 余乐乐一直以为自己已经尝遍了苦难，可是到这时才发现自己原来已经很幸福。 作为支教的教师，她的工资由家乡的主管部门统一发放，每月1300元。她留下一部分做生活费，剩下的几乎都用来给学生交了学杂费。 每次回家，她都会背回许多课外书，那些色彩斑斓的书籍让山里的孩子看得眼睛发亮。每当看到此情此景，她就忍不住心酸——同一片天空下，她本没有想到就在距离自己不远的地方还有人过着如此窘迫的生活。 她再也写不出来那些风花雪月的故事了。她有时候看看昔日的那些草稿本，觉得很遥远、很陌生，她的生活里似乎印上了更为现实的标签，那些故作诗意的阳春白雪从此与自己两不相干。 她开始写很多与支教生活有关的文章，渐渐被诸如《读者》、《青年文摘》、《视野》等很多杂志转载。那些文章都是她的经历，是亲眼目睹，也是心声。她很用心地记录，希望能让读者了解另一种真实的生活。她还接了家乡晚报的专栏，用日记的形式记录自己的支教生活，栏目名叫“一个女大学生的支教日记”。专栏反响很好，报社陆续转来很多读者来信，甚至还有好心人的汇款单，希望能帮山里的孩子重新上学读书。对于这些素未谋面的好心人，她深深感激。 再后来，她还写了一些调查报告，陆续发表在省内的一些教育刊物上，有的甚至还引起团省委的注意。暑假，团省委“春蕾工程”调查团一行来到岱阳，不仅带来文化用品和崭新的图书，同时还带来了几支暑期支教团。而母校更是定期派出支教小分队，利用寒暑假到岱阳来义务授课，同时发动在校生捐款捐物，结助学对子…… 看着孩子们快乐的笑脸，是第一次，余乐乐觉得“教育”二字有着如此重大的意义。  再看见叶菲的时候，余乐乐突然有种恍如隔世的感觉。 是秋高气爽的季节，在省立医院送医下乡的队伍里，她一抬头，就撞上叶菲的目光。 两个人都愣住了。 隔着熙熙攘攘的人群，隔着来来往往的学生，她们注视着彼此，好像时间快速退回，仍然是20岁的那个夏天，仍然是省医大的校园里，仍然是相视微笑的两个人。 良久，还是余乐乐先微笑着打招呼：“你好，好久不见。” 叶菲笑了：“真的是好久不见了呢，一转眼都三年了。” 她们在学校操场上的篮球架下坐着聊天，一扭头就可以看见彼此眼角一些细密的纹。 不过二十几岁，时光的脚都固执地要留下痕迹。 “看你的样子，很不错。”叶菲微笑着看着余乐乐。 “还好，”余乐乐也笑：“比想象中要好很多。” “他出国了。”叶菲说。 余乐乐马上明白她说的是谁，她静静地看着远方渐落的夕阳：“听说了。” 她转头看着叶菲，唇角有浅浅笑意：“这样对他更好一点。” “你会不会舍不得？”终于，叶菲还是忍不住问。 “当然舍不得，”余乐乐也不隐瞒：“有时候梦到他，还是会哭着醒过来。” “可是，”她的语气淡淡的：“我知道我想要什么。说到底，我还是要他过得好，他不是神，那些突如其来的伤害他就算能扛得起一次，未必能扛得起一辈子。我不希望我们两个撑到都撑不住了再分开，到那时恐怕会伤害更多的人。” “我都不知道，你原来是个悲观主义者。”叶菲微笑。 “可能是吧，”余乐乐承认：“看得多了，在乎的就多，想的也多。奋勇直前是年轻的权利，可是随着年纪的增长，会发现相爱并不一定就要在一起。” 她转头看叶菲：“你呢，你过得怎么样？” 叶菲眼神一黯，低下头：“或许很好，可是看看你们，会觉得不甘心。” 她仰起头，眼角有什么东西快速闪过：“我喜欢的男孩子，他死的时候对我说'小菲，好好学习，将来找个好男孩替我照顾你'。这么多年了，我都忘不了他的眼神，带点心疼、带点舍不得。我就想，只要还活着，就一定不可以放弃。” 她看着远方的夕阳：“真的，只要还活着，就有可能在一起。你们如果真的有心，还是可以在一起的。” “你，也喜欢他吧？”余乐乐轻轻问。 叶菲一震，看着余乐乐的眼睛，那眼神干净而纯粹。她终于道：“是，我第一眼看见许宸，看见他的眼睛，就吓了一跳，觉得他怎么可以那么像我喜欢的那个人。后来接触得多了，觉得他们也有很多地方不像，比如我喜欢的男孩子更无忧无虑一些，就算后来生病了，都笑眯眯地看着我。而许宸，他更忧郁一点，可是偏就那种平静的气质很吸引人。后来你们分手，我真恨你，恨你居然狠心让他吃那么多苦。可是现在我理解你了，爱有很多种方式，你选的，不过是我们没有经历过的那一种而已。” 她的声音平静而温柔：“可是，余乐乐，我是个喜欢看喜剧的人。我希望有那么一天，能看见你站在他身边，可以看见你们很幸福。” 暖红色夕阳里，她们不再说话，而是静静看着远方火烧云蔓延的方向。 那里，是许宸现在所处的方向吧？ 夕阳在两个比肩而坐的女孩子身上洒下红彤彤的颜色，而她们静静地抱着膝坐在那里，安宁平和，仿佛一张好看的彩画。  新年临近的时候，余乐乐收到了许多人寄来的信与贺卡。有读者的、有朋友的，花花绿绿的铺满一张桌。 最大的一封是连海平的，也不知道他从哪里弄来那么大的一张贺卡，里面的字虽不多，口气倒很哀怨：余乐乐你是怎么把我爷爷给制服了的啊？他现在总是问我“你那个很凶的小女同学呢，怎么还不来玩啊”，烦不胜烦。也真是奇怪，他见你的时候你在打我，他接你电话的时候你在骂我，他怎么就对你这么念念不忘呢？ 余乐乐边看边笑，几乎能想象出连海平那副纳闷的表情。也想起了那个只见过一次面的严肃的爷爷，他对自己的印象这么深刻倒是出乎意料，可见老爷爷的审美品味确实很奇怪。 她不由得想起了这几年来听到的那些与连海平有关的事：比如他分到组织宣传处，每天穿正装上下班，很是一本正经；比如他行情似乎很好，总有人要给他介绍女朋友，而他居然自称自己是有女朋友的，让机关里喜欢做媒的大婶们很是失望。 传播消息的人想也不用想就知道是徐茵。她在电话里絮絮叨叨的时候还不忘取笑余乐乐：“乐乐，我听连海平跟人家说他的女朋友在外地支教，你认不认识她？” 余乐乐当时就恨不得拿柄大锤，先把徐茵打倒，再把连海平锤成饼。 最花哨的那张贺卡是孟小羽的。他的汉字不怎么好看，可是英文书写却漂亮了许多。他说：老师，你放心吧，我现在很用功在读书，我会一直对自己负责，因为我记得我身体里有600CC的血是你的，我会珍惜，哪怕被蚊子咬一口都舍不得。 余乐乐欣慰地看着那些字，好像一个长大了一些的孟小羽就站在自己面前，还带着那一脸惯常的笑，目光干净。 而最厚的那封信则是庄悦薇的。让余乐乐很惊讶的是，她的信里极少有语法错误，想必是在家里也开始说汉语的缘故。 她带着骄傲的口气给余乐乐讲她的生活，讲她认识了一个男孩子，也是华裔，学习很好，体育尤其棒。字里行间的那些小女孩的神态，甜蜜而又单纯。 突然提到许宸。 她说：老师，你还记得你离开之前送过我一张你的照片么？在海边，身后是海鸥，很美丽。我把它放在我的置物架上，我发现每次表哥看见这张照片都会愣很久。我妈妈也发现了，她要我把照片藏起来，可是我不想听她的。我看见这张照片就好像看见你，我不要把你藏起来。老师，听妈妈说你认识我哥哥？她说你们是同学，那么我猜，我哥哥一定是喜欢你对不对？可是我记得那时候你是有男朋友的啊……哦我明白了，我哥哥暗恋你，可是你没给他机会对不对？ 写到这里，信纸上画着几颗碎掉的心，接着写：我哥哥很好的，老师你考虑一下吧…… 小女孩的信很啰嗦，很八卦，也很真挚。余乐乐看着那些关于许宸的段落，隔着薄薄的一张纸，却隐约觉得是隔着若干个年头。而在这仿佛已经过去一生那么久的时间里，有许多东西，已经渐行渐远。 有些事，终究是回不去了。 因为，生活中有太多变数，就好像我曾经以为我可以牢牢站在原地等你，可是当两年两年再两年过去，等待变得模糊，坚持变得隐约，或许，我已经无法等下去了。 虽然，我心里这辈子都会留有你的位置。可是，过去的总要过去，我们总是要向前走的。你有你的生活，而我，终要有我的方向。 那么，就让时间做一块橡皮擦吧：当岁月如悠缓水流静静淌过，当我们从年少青涩到白发苕苕，当我们终于找到各自的幸福，我依然会把你放在心底最柔软的角落里细心珍藏——只是从此，与爱情无关。  时间就这样不停歇地滑过去，又一年春天到来的时候，妈妈已经带着憧憬的语气问余乐乐：“你快要回来了吧？” 余乐乐知道，妈妈很想念、很想念自己，那些想念从妈妈的声音里渗透出来，穿过电话信号，跨越几百公里路程，一路撞击她的心脏。 还有那些熟悉的人、那些熟悉的地方、熟悉的事，真的是久违了。 或许，是到了该回去的时候了。 到这时，因为支教成绩突出，余乐乐已被团市委提名为“省十大杰出志愿者”候选人。许多学校已经对她抛出橄榄枝，有媒体看到她支教期间的“支教日记”，也提出让她去面试。还有一家出版社提出要把“支教日记”出版成书，合约已经寄来，目前正在考虑中。 当生活展开它的明媚笑颜时，过去的一切不顺遂，似乎都可以被遗忘、被抛开了。 春天的风里，余乐乐坐在操场边看学生们踢球，突然很想念自己的家。 想念妈妈炒菜爆锅时的味道，想念于叔叔给自己讲故事的情景，想念小于天咧着嘴笑起来的模样……原来，不知不觉中，就已经是真真正正的一家人了。 而所谓家，大概就是无论走多远都仍然会惦念的那个地方吧。 正发呆的时候，一辆白色面包车从校门外驶进来。余乐乐好奇地看着那辆面包车，看它熟练地转了一道弯，停在教师宿舍门口。余乐乐很快辨认出来开车的是学校里的司机张师傅。作为全校唯一的一辆公务用车，每次，只要张师傅进城买东西，就会用这辆车给余乐乐带回一些她急需的书本或是文具。余乐乐开心地站起来往白色面包车的方向跑过去，绕过踢球的学生，绕过简陋的花坛，快要跑到面包车前的时候，突然看见面包车后面的车门来开了，从车上跳下一男一女。因为是背影，她看不清楚是谁，只看见他们和张师傅一起在搬着什么东西。 直到走得更近了，余乐乐才看清眼前女孩子的模样，她忍不住惊呼一声：“徐茵！” 徐茵转头，猛地撞上余乐乐惊喜的脸，她也大叫一声，两人迅速拥抱到一起，又叫又跳。徐茵看着余乐乐瘦了许多的脸，心里一阵心疼：“乐乐，你瘦了。” “可是我健康了许多，再也没有失眠，手指甲上有10个白月牙。”余乐乐得意地伸出双手在徐茵面前晃，却突然听到身后一声咳嗽声。 接着，是一个熟悉的声音，带着无奈和抱怨说：“余乐乐，为什么每次你眼里都只有徐茵没有我？” 余乐乐惊讶地回头，看见连海平站在自己面前，微笑着说话。 再不是阿迪达斯的运动装，而是干净的衬衫、笔挺的长裤，臂弯里搭一件咖啡色夹克，整个人神采奕奕。 余乐乐愣住了：这个人，是连海平？ 看见余乐乐发愣，连海平张开双臂，微笑地看着她：“余乐乐，你给了她一个拥抱，我怎么办？” 话音未落，余乐乐已经冲上前，揽住连海平的脖子，给了他一个货真价实的拥抱！ 连海平当场僵成一块石雕。 就连徐茵都目瞪口呆。 几秒钟后，还是张师傅搬东西回返，看见被满操场学生驻足观望着的余老师，急忙咳嗽几声。余乐乐在咳嗽声中松开手，一脸坏坏的笑：“怎么样，连海平，现在不会再说我厚此薄彼了吧？” 连海平习惯了开玩笑，真到梦想成真的时候还有点反应不过来，只是呆呆地看着余乐乐，傻乎乎的样子几乎让徐茵笑岔了气。 还是余乐乐先拍拍连海平的肩膀：“喂，不至于吧，吓着了？” 连海平看看余乐乐狡黠的眼神，好气又好笑：“余乐乐，你是不鸣则已，一鸣惊人啊，你就这么给学生作示范？” 他伸手指指操场边正好奇地往这边张望的学生们，余乐乐一回头，这才想起还有一群学生在做观众，忍不住“啊”地叫一声，一张脸迅速涨红。 徐茵再次笑岔了气。  直到坐进自己简陋的宿舍里，余乐乐还是有点惊喜过度。她坐在床边，看看徐茵，再看看连海平，觉得今天真是一个重要的日子，居然有自己最好的朋友从天而降。 “你们怎么会一起来？”余乐乐好奇地问徐茵和连海平。