Chapter 22 Chapter Twenty Two

Webb spent a lot of time driving the Victoria around the scene of the massacre.He is currently on unpaid leave and has not participated in the official investigation, so the county needs it. He has no right to request reinforcements, and he himself has no clear idea of ​​what to look for.The street was pitch black, broken only by the flickering headlights of the cars. Webb eventually made an appointment to see Claire one more time.She didn't mention the last time she turned around and left, and the insulting words she said before leaving, she just wrote down the time and said see you then.This woman can bear it, he thought.

When Webb arrived, there were already several people sitting in the consulting room, and no one had eye contact with him, and Webb didn't want to.He wondered what a psychiatrist's waiting room might look like.Who would want a stranger to watch while curing one's own madness? Claire came out, smiling encouragingly, and handing him a cup of freshly brewed coffee, with cream and sugar to his liking.They sat down in the office. Web ran a hand through his hair. "Well, Claire, I'm sorry about what happened last time. I'm usually not so messy. I know you're just trying to help me, and my illness is not so easy to find out."

"No need to apologize, Webb, you should just do that, express your thoughts and feelings so you can deal with them." He forced a smile and said, "Okay, where are we going today, doctor? Mars or Venus?" "At the beginning, let's talk about post-traumatic stress disorder and see if it fits your symptoms." Webb smiled inwardly, well, he can handle it. "Shell shock or something?" "It's a term that's often misused, and I'd like to be a little more precise. Clinically, you could have PTSD, and the symptoms are mirrored in that yard."

"I should probably agree with you." "Well, let's test this hypothesis. If the diagnosis turns out to be true, there are proven treatments for this condition, such as stress-relieving techniques, proper eating and sleeping habits, and medications to aid in relaxation. , perception reconstruction, and some anti-anxiety drugs." "Damn, that sounds easy," he said bitterly. She was looking at him, a look that Web thought was odd. "Sometimes it's really simple." She looked at her notes. "Go ahead. Do you notice any physical changes? Chills, dizziness, chest pains, increased blood pressure, difficulty breathing, fatigue, nausea, things like that symptoms?"

"The first time I recalled that yard, and what happened, I was a little dizzy." "And after that?" "there is none left." "Well, have you been particularly excited since then?" Webb didn't have to think for a long time: "No, it doesn't count." "What stimulant did you abuse to help you get over it?" "No! To be honest, I've drank less since then." "Did you suddenly flash back to that incident?" Web shook his head. "Is there any feeling of insensitivity, deliberately avoiding life and avoiding people?"

"No, I just want to find out what happened, and I want to be the first to know." "Are you more irritable, irritable, and hostile when you get along with people now than before?" She looked at him and smiled. "It doesn't count if you deal with me." Web returned her a short smile. "Probably not, Claire. Actually, I'm relatively calm." "Is there persistent depression, bouts of panic, increased anxiety, or phobias?" "Nothing at all." "Okay, did the events that occurred repeatedly pop into your mind? Traumatic nightmares, in other words, nightmares?"

Webb spoke slowly, as if he was tentatively moving forward step by step in a mental minefield. "The night I was in the hospital after the accident, I had nightmares. They gave me so many medicines that I was dazed, but I still remember that I kept apologizing to their wives." "It was completely normal under the circumstances. Has anything else happened in that regard since then?" Web shook his head. "I was busy with my investigation," he argued, "but I kept thinking about it. I mean, the thing in the yard broke me like a pile driver. I've never been through this before." thing."

"But in your work you've seen dead people." "Yes, but never on my teammates." "Is there a situation where something happened and you shut it out of your mind? We call it memory disturbance, or amnesia syndrome." "No, I remember almost every damn detail," Webb replied wearily. Claire looked down at the notes, and Web blurted out, "I really don't want them to die, Claire. I'm so sorry they died. I'd do anything to bring them back to life." She put the notes aside and looked up at him. "Listen, Webb, listen up: You don't have symptoms of PTSD, but that doesn't mean you don't care what happens to your friends, doesn't mean you don't suffer. You have to understand that. On you , what I see is a person who has experienced suffering and pain, with all the normal reactions of the rest of his life. If you go through something else, most people will lose their bodily functions, at least for a long time.”

"But I don't." "Because you have special talents, and after years of training, your psychological makeup is also different from ordinary people. It is precisely because of these qualities that you were able to pass the selection of the rescue team. After you came to me, I know the rescue team A lot of things. I know that the team has repeatedly tempered you physically and put you under tremendous pressure, but mentally, the torture they made you endure is even more daunting. Therefore, you are extremely strong both physically and mentally. Excellent, you took more than almost anyone else, Webb. You survived that yard not only with your life, but with your spirit unscathed."

"So I don't have PTSD? No dysfunction?" "No. I don't think you have." He looked down at his hands. "So we're done?" "No. You weren't mentally damaged by what happened in the yard, but that doesn't mean you're all right and don't need further treatment. Maybe some of your problems started long before you joined the rescue team .” He immediately became suspicious, leaned back, and couldn't help asking, "For example?" "That's what we're going to talk about. You've mentioned that you feel like part of your companion's family, and I wonder if you've ever thought about starting a family of your own?"

Webb thought for a moment before answering the question. "I've always wanted a big family, you know, lots of sons, play ball with them, lots of daughters, spoil 'em. Let them hang on to daddy with their pretty little fingers, it makes me so happy Close your mouth." Claire picked up her notebook and pen. "Then why didn't you ask for it?" "It's past that time." "Is that why?" "Not enough?" She looked at his face, the good side and the disfigured side.Web turned away like last time. "Tell me, when did you hurt your face?" "Is it really necessary to say this?" "I think the injury on your face makes you uncomfortable. If you don't want to say it, we can say something else." "No need, never mind, I'm not uncomfortable." He stood up and took off his coat, and Claire was more and more surprised by his actions.Web unbuttoned the top of his shirt, exposing the gunshot wound to his neck. "After I hurt my face, I hurt here again." He pointed to the scar on the base of his neck.Claire lowered her eyelids and said nothing. "Don't be like this, doctor, don't look to the side, you haven't seen the most exciting part yet." She raised her eyes, and he put his chin on his hand, turned his face away, so that the disfigured half was fully displayed in front of her eyes . "Look, this beautiful scar is from a Molotov bomb that nearly killed my old pal Lou Patterson - you know, the woman who called me out in front of the world Husband. You must have seen it on tv, didn't you? The whole side of the meat is out, open. Someone said I look like I'm decomposing. So, no, I don't date much, marriage , had to be ranked after the important activities of throwing garbage and mowing the lawn." He sat down again and buttoned his shirt. "Is there anything else you want to know?" He asked kindly. "Actually, I watched the press conference of the Bureau of Investigation. During the meeting, they revealed a lot about your injury. You are a great hero, but you seem to feel that you are not attractive to women, and women cannot accept you." She Then he added, "I guess you also suspect that you can't be a good father." This woman is really damned, she can't stop when she asks the bottom line. "I like to think of it this way, be a good father." His tone was very flat, trying, trying to hold back, not to get angry. "No, what I'm asking is, do you think you can be a good father?" "What kind of question is that?" he said angrily. "If you had kids, would you abuse them? How do you see it?" Web half straightened up from his chair. "Claire, it's only two seconds before I walk out of here and never come back." Claire stared at him and sat down. "Don't you remember, I told you before the session started, please trust me. It's not easy, Webb, especially if there are some problems you don't want to touch. All I want to do is help you, but you have to be right I'm being fair. If you're going to waste your time putting on a show, it's up to you. I'd like to make something of it." The psychiatrist and law enforcement officers looked at each other for a long time, and it was Webb who finally blinked.He sits down to learn more about Romano's marriage to Angie. "If I had children, I wouldn't hit them. Stockton treated me like that, so I certainly wouldn't follow his example." "I can trust you, Web, really. The question is, can you trust you yourself?" He blushed again. "You really stumped me this time, ma'am." "I'm going to be more blunt. Have you ever thought about the possibility? You don't get married and don't have kids because you were abused as a child and you're afraid you'll abuse your own kids. It's not unheard of, Webb , really not. In fact, some people might say that this is the most thorough dedication and sacrifice.” "Or the most complete evasion of the problem." "Someone might say that, too." "What do you think?" "You probably have both. If that's what's holding you back in the face of marriage and family, we can fix that, Webb. I also know the scars on your face do make some women intimidated by you, but don't think all women They're all like that, they're not." Leaving Claire's office, Web saw two people in the waiting room talking quietly.For a second or two his mind went blank—these two just couldn't get together.O'Brien is right there, he works here, after all.But the woman with him shouldn't be here.Debbie Reiner looked up and saw Web, and she gasped and cried out in horror. O'Brien also saw Webb and walked towards him, holding out his hand. "Webb, I didn't know you were here today. I don't think I could have known, and Claire and I don't share a schedule. It would be a professional scandal." Web ignored the doctor's outstretched hand and stared straight at Debbie.Debbie looked taken aback, as if she had been caught on a tryst with O'Brien. O'Brien looked at this and then at that. "Do you know each other?" He immediately slapped his forehead and answered the question himself, "Rescue team." Web walked over to Debbie, who was pulling a tissue out of her handbag. "Debbie? Are you seeing Dr. O'Brien?" "Webb," O'Brien said, "this is all confidential." Web cut him off with a wave of his hand. "Yes yes, I know, top secret." "I've never liked the public waiting room—it's not conducive to keeping patients' privacy, but there is no other way to arrange it," O'Brien said, although the other two did not listen to his complaints. O'Brien finally said, "Goodbye, Debbie," and to Webb, "Take your time, Webb. I'm sure Claire's treatment will do wonders for you." He looked at Web inquiringly. It does work, doctor, Webb wanted to say, that woman's treatment is so miraculous it's driving me crazy. Webb opened the door for Debbie and they went into the elevator.She couldn't even look at him, and Web felt his face burn, and he couldn't tell if it was out of anger or embarrassment. Finally he said, "I'm going to see a psychiatrist. Ask them to help you when it happened. I suppose you too?" She blew her nose and was finally able to look at him. "I've seen Dr. O'Brien for over a year, Webb." He looked at her again in bewilderment, not even hearing the elevator doors open. "Are you going down?" she asked. The two came to the street and were about to part ways. Webb suppressed his confusion and said, "Do you have time for a cup of coffee, Debbie?" She definitely couldn't spare time for someone like him. "There is a Starbucks on the corner of the street. I know this area very well." Shiny machines whir, chirp, and crackle to serve thirsty customers.They sat in a secluded corner drinking large cups of coffee. "You said more than a year? You have been seeing a psychiatrist for so long?" Debbie stirred some cinnamon crumbs into her glass. "Some are in therapy for life, Webb." "Yes, some people are not like you." She looked at him like she had never seen him before. "I'll tell you about people like me, Webb. Teddy and I first got married when he was in the regular army and I knew what it was like to be married before. Stationed in other countries and no one spoke your language , or in a muddy pond in some small part of the country, you have to drive a hundred miles to see a movie. But I love Teddy, I married him anyway, and I knew what was going to happen with my eyes open. Later he In Delta, had kids, we were always in one place, and Teddy was never there. Half the time I didn't even know where he was, whether he was alive or dead, and had to be with other people I also read about them in the newspaper or CNN. We survived this. Then he joined the rescue team. The army is crazier, Webb, and my husband is away from home longer than ever. If I were twenty and no kids, I could take it. But I ain't twenty, Webb , and three kids that I raised pretty much all by myself on Teddy's paycheck. He makes about as much money as a Kmart cashier after all these years of service to the goddamn country. I have to bring Boy, the youngest one just wants to know where daddy is? Why doesn't daddy come home? I don't know how to answer her at all." "He died a heroic battle, Debbie, for his country." She slammed her fist on the table so loudly that all the guests who were gurgling and drinking coffee turned their heads to look this way. "It's all bullshit, and you know it all." She made a great effort to control her emotions. Webb felt that the woman was like an erupting volcano, desperately trying to hold back the spewing lava. "He made a choice, he wanted to be with his buddies, with his guns, and his adventures," she said, her voice calmer, sadder, "He loves you guys, He loves you, Web. God, you don't know how much he loves you. Much more than me, or even his own kids, because he doesn't know them half as well as he knows you. You guys together Fighting, saving each other's lives, facing danger every day, you are good enough, trained hard enough, and survived the danger. The troops work together, the greatest damn army ever. There are many things he can tell you, but Never tell me. I hated you all for taking him away from me a long time ago." She wiped away tears with a tissue. Web wanted to reach out and pat her, but didn't know if she would.He was terribly guilty, as if he had committed a terrible and mortal crime.People have already gone to court, but he just realized it. "Has Teddy seen a doctor, too?" he asked softly. Debbie wiped away her tears and took a sip of her coffee. "No. He said if anyone on the rescue team caught him seeing a psychiatrist, they'd kick him out. There's no room for handicapped people on the rescue team. And he said he didn't have to see a doctor, even if I was a little crazy, he But all right, nothing wrong. He wouldn't let me come up here, but for once in my life I made up my mind. I have to come, Web, I have to talk to somebody. Rescue family I’m not the only one who sees a therapist, other people come too, like Angie Romano.” Angie Romano!Web wondered if she'd come here to talk about Paulie.Maybe Paulie hit her, no, she beat Paulie about the same. "I'm so sorry for you that you're not happy, Debbie. You ought to be happy." There are hundreds of photos of Webb at home, all of him having a good time with his C-team mates.There was no wife in the picture, not a single one.They never invite family members.Webb didn't like to put himself in other people's shoes, and he didn't want to make that mistake again.Too much ignorance and too much harm to others. She looked at him, reached out to touch his hand, and even tried to force a smile. "Look at me, I poured a ton of bricks on you, pouring a ton of bricks on you. How's your treatment going?" Webb shrugged. "It's still going on, and I don't know what it will be like if it goes on. I know my loss is incomparable to yours, but I suddenly remembered that there are only a few of them in my life. Now they are gone, and I am still alive .I don’t know why, and never will.” "I'm sorry Julie Patterson treated you that way. She's completely out of her mind, she's been shaky to begin with. But mostly, I guess, she hates you guys." "Even if she treats me like that again, I can still bear it." He said lightly. "You should go, Webb, you've done your job. You've done your job for this country, you've done enough. They can't ask you to do anything." "I reckon I'll be fully recovered after another 30 years of nonsense given to me by a psychiatrist." "The therapy really worked. O'Brien also hypnotized me and reminded me of things I thought I'd never remember. I guess those things were buried really deep in my mind." Gripping his hand a little tighter, "I know that dinner at my house was terrible. We didn't know what to say to you. We were hoping to make you comfortable, but I know we didn't. I was really surprised, You ran off yelling and yelling all the way before dessert was served." "Don't take it personally. It's not your job to make me comfortable." "You have been so good to everyone's children for so many years. I want you to know how grateful we are. You survived and none of us are not happy for you. You risked your life all these years to keep our husband safe, We all know this." She stretched out her hand to caress the half of his mutilated face, sliding her soft fingers up and down his rough and uneven face.Webb didn't move away. "We all know what it cost you, Webb." "Now it seems that no matter what the price is, it is worth it."