Chapter 5 Part III-1

Every dog ​​needs a good veterinarian, a trained professional who can keep the dog healthy and strong, as well as free from disease.And every first-time dog owner needs a veterinarian for advice, reassurance, and free consultations.In our search for a veterinarian, we made some mistakes at first.The first guy is very elusive, we only see him as a veterinary assistant in high school.The second was so old that I'm convinced he couldn't even tell a Chihuahua from a cat.No. 3 clearly fits the needs of the rich ladies of Palm Beach and the palm-leaf-sized pet dogs they keep with them as accessories.Then, we stumbled across our ideal doctor.His name was Jay Bouton—for those who knew Dr. Jay—and he was a young, bright, knowledgeable, and very kind veterinarian.Dr. Jay's knowledge of dogs is as comprehensive and penetrating as the best mechanics know of cars.He clearly has a fondness for animals that remain highly sensitive to their role in the human world.In the first few months, we used to call him frequently to ask him to come out and consult him about pointless concerns.For example, when Marley started to develop some rough dace-like spots on his elbows, I worried that he had a rare, contagious skin disease.Take it easy, Dr. Jay told me those spots were just calluses in the stratum corneum of the skin from lying on the floor.Or, one day, Marley gave a big yawn, and I noticed a strange purple stain on the back of his tongue. "Oh my God," I thought, "he must have cancer." There was a malignant tumor in his mouth.Take it easy, Dr. Jay advised me, it was just a birthmark.

Now, this afternoon, Jenny and I are standing in an exam room with Marley, and we are discussing with Dr. Jay Marley's severe nervous breakdown from the thunderstorm.We had hoped that the "wood chipper" incident in the garage was just an occasional aberration by Marley, but it turned out to be just the irrational behavior of a lifelong morbid phobia. Just a beginning.Despite the Labrador Retriever's reputation as a 'good hunting dog', we know it as a Labrador who is psychically terrified of anything louder than the pop of a cork in a bottle of champagne. The Labrador Hound ended the breed's illustrious reputation.The crackling of firecrackers, the backfiring of engines, and the sound of gunfire all terrified him.Even the slightest hint of a storm can knock Marley down for good.If we'd been home, he'd be on top of us, shaking uncontrollably, drooling; eyes rolling nervously, ears folded back, tail tucked between his hind legs.If he is home alone, he can become extremely destructive, desperately clawing at anything between him and the expected sense of security, trying to carve a path of escape.One day, when the sky was overcast with clouds, Jenny came home to find Marley's berserk eyes fixed on the top of the washing machine, doing a desperate jig, his nails scraping. On top of a washing machine coated with enamel.Why was he able to smell the coming storm in the first place?We can never be sure about this.People sometimes have a keen sixth sense. People with rheumatic diseases can predict the coming of bad weather through the dull pain in the affected area. Presumably dogs have similar perception abilities.

Dr. Jay shoved a bottle of yellow pills into my hand and said, "Don't hesitate to take these when necessary." The yellow pills were sedatives and, as the doctor pointed out, they "Alleviating Marley's Anxiety".The hope, he said, is that the calming effects of these drugs will allow Marley to deal with the storm more rationally and eventually realize that they are just harmless noises.Anxiety in the face of thunderstorms is common among dogs, he told us, especially in Florida, where, during the hot summer months, there is a great deal of running dogs nearly every afternoon. People who made their homes in emerging regions crossed the peninsula.Marley sniffed the pill bottle in my hand, obviously impatient to start a life of drug dependence.

Doctor Jay held Marley's neck with his hands, and moved his lips, as if he wanted to say something important but didn't know how to say it. "And," he said, after a pause, "perhaps you should start thinking seriously about castrating him." "Castrated?" I repeated. "You mean..." I looked down at Marley's gigantic testicles—a pair of comically large balls—between Marley's hind legs. swinging. Dr. Jay looked down at Marley's balls too, and nodded.I should have startled, maybe even freaked out, because he quickly added, "The operation is painless, really, and he's going to be a little more comfortable." Dr. Jay was fully aware of what Marley was showing. great challenge.He was our counselor on all things Marley and knew the obedience discipline that was a disaster—the jerk-like antics, the destructiveness, the hyperactivity, and, later, when Marley was seven months old. By the time he started wanting to have sex with anything that moved, including our dinner guests. "Neutering just removes those jittery sexual energies, making him a happier, calmer dog," he says.He promised that castration would not dampen Marley's sunny vitality or affect his health.

"God, I don't know," I said, "it just seems so...too..." Jenny, on the other hand, felt no such great unease and condemnation as I did. "Let's cut his vas deferens!" she said. "But how does he breed the dog then?" I asked, "how does he continue the bloodline?" All these profitable stakes came to me. Once again Dr. Jay seemed to choose his words carefully. "I think you guys need to be more realistic about this," he said. "Marley is a fine family pet, but I'm not sure he's qualified to carry the family." He was as diplomatic as possible. Rhetoric, however, the expression on his face had already betrayed his true thoughts.His heart seemed to scream: "My God! Must we perpetuate this hereditary error at any cost for the sake of the so-called future generation!"

I told him we'd think about it, and I took Marley home with my hands on the bottle in a rather distasteful hand. While we were arguing about Marley's maleness, Jenny made unprecedented demands on me.Dr. Sherman has indicated that she can try to conceive again.Jenny took up the challenge with the dedication of an Olympic athlete.The days of ditching the pill and letting things happen are upon us.In this "battle" of insemination, Jenny showed a strong aggressiveness.For that, she needs me, a vital ally who controls the flow of arms.Like most men, I've spent every waking moment since I was fifteen trying to prove to the opposite sex that I was a man worth bonding with.Finally, I found someone who agreed.I should have been shaking with excitement.Because, for the first time in my life, a woman needed me more strongly and more urgently than I needed her.This is a man's dream paradise.No more pleading, no more groveling.Like the best breed dogs, I'm finally in a position to be needed.I should have been ecstatic.But, suddenly, the whole point of sex becomes just a job, and a stressful job at that.The sex that Jenny longed to have with me ceased to be a playful pleasure and became a baby-making job.This means that I have a job that must be performed.This becomes a serious business.What was the happiest act of a lingering night turned into a serious exercise involving basal body temperature checks, menstrual cycles, and ovulation charts.I felt as if I were a servant in physical service to the queen.

It's all like a tax audit.Jenny was used to starting the sex game at the slightest hint of invitation from me, and she thought the old rules still applied.I'll decide what to do with the trash, and she'll walk in with her cycle calendar in hand, and say, "The 17th is the last day I ovulate this month, which means," she'll pause, Counting forward from that date, "We have to have sex today—now!" The men of the Jrogan family have never been able to handle stress very well, and I was no exception.It was only a matter of time before I suffered the male stigma of failing at the sex task.Once this unfortunate situation occurs, it's game over.My confidence would be "hit" and my courage would be gone.If this unfortunately happens again, I know it will happen again and again.Failure develops into a harbinger of self-fulfillment.The more anxious I was about fulfilling my husband's duties, the more I couldn't relax and do behaviors that I'd always done naturally.I suppressed all my physical emotions, lest I transmit them to Jenny's head.I began to live in a deadly fear that my wife would—hopefully not—demand that I rip her clothes off and have sex with her.I began to think that perhaps a kind of celibacy in a remote monastery was not such a bad fate.

Jenny didn't intend to give up so easily.She is the hunter and I am the prey.One morning, while I was reading the Palm Beach Post, Jenny, who was only ten minutes away, called back from work and asked if I would be home for lunch with her at noon. "You mean alone? Don't you need a lady?" "Or we could meet at a restaurant somewhere." I objected.A very crowded restaurant.It will be even more perfect if you can join a few of our colleagues.And my mother-in-law and her mother-in-law. "Oh, come on," she said, "it's going to be fun." Then, lowering her voice to a whisper, she added, "Today is a good day. I... think... I'm... Ovulation." A wave of fear overwhelmed me. "Oh God, no!" The pressure hit me again.It's time to complete the mission or perish.In very literary terms, it's either up or down. "Please don't force me to have sex." I wanted to plead to her through the microphone.Instead of actually doing that, however, I said to her in as calm a voice as possible: "Of course. How about half past twelve?"

When I opened the front door, Marley stood there to greet me as usual, but there was no sign of Jenny.I yelled at her. "I'm in the bathroom," she replied, "coming soon." As I sorted and sorted through the mail, trying to pass the time, a sense of doom surrounded me, and I guessed that those waiting for them The people who read the biopsy results must have felt the same way I do right now. "Hi, here, my sailor." A voice came from behind me, and as I turned around, Jenny was standing there, wearing nothing but her thin three-point underwear.Her flat stomach, silky smooth shoulders, and plump breasts are all faintly visible, exuding a seductive aura.Her legs had never looked so slender as they did now. "How do I look?" she asked, opening her hands to me.She looked absolutely stunning.When it comes to pajamas, Jenny used to wear boxy, baggy T-shirts.I told her it was very sexy in this outfit and had the effect of provoking desire.

She ran into the bedroom, and I hungrily followed.Soon, we hugged and fell on the sheets.I closed my eyes and could feel my long lost friend stirring again.The magic is back. "You can do it, John." I tried to conjure up unclean thoughts as best I could. "It's about to succeed!" My fingers groped the thin shoulder straps. "Come on, John. Don't stress." Now, I can feel her breath, hot, moist, on my face.And heavy.Hot, humid, heavy breathing.Wow, this is so sexy. But wait.What is that smell?There was a taste in her breath.Something familiar yet unfamiliar, not too distasteful, but not too charming either.I know the smell, but I can't be sure.I hesitated. "What are you doing, you idiot? Forget about the smell. Focus on it, man. Focus on it!" But the smell—I couldn't get it out of my mind. "You're distracting, John. Don't be distracted. Whatever it is, keep it up!" My curiosity finally got the better of me. "Leave it alone, you bastard. Leave it alone, let it go!" I started smelling the air.a kind of food.Yes, it's a food smell.But what food?Not cookies.Not potato chips.Not tuna.I'm on the verge of guessing.Is it...milk bones?

Milk bones!By the way, this is it!Her breath smelled of milk bones. "But why?" I felt very strange, and I actually heard a voice in my head asking the question, "Why does Jenny eat milk bones?" And, I could feel her lips moving. On my neck... how could she kiss my neck and breathe on my face so quickly?Could it be— "Oh my God!" I opened my eyes.Just inches from my face, and occupying my entire field of vision, was Marley's massive head looming large.His jaw rested on the mattress, and he was gasping for breath, and the sheets were soaked with his slobber.His eyes are half-closed - it looks like he's completely in love. "You bad dog!" I screamed, and instinctively bounced to the other side of the bed. "No! No! Go to bed!" I ordered frantically, "Go to bed! Go to bed!" But it was too late.The magic is gone.The monks of the monastery are back. "Take it easy, soldier." The next morning, as agreed, I would take Marley to have his two "balls" cut off.I figured that if I couldn't have sex for the rest of my life, Marley would be in the same boat as me.Dr. Jay said we could take Marley to the clinic before work and pick him up on the way home from get off work.A week later, we took his advice. While Jenny and I were getting ready, Marley was happily bouncing against the wall because he could already sense an outing was coming.For Marley, a trip is a good trip, and it doesn't matter where we go or how long we go.Is it to take out the trash and throw it away? "No problem!" Was it walking to the corner to buy a gallon of milk? "That counts me!" I began to feel a pang of guilt.The poor fellow had no idea what awaited him.He trusts us, trusts us to do the right thing, and right now, we're secretly plotting to castrate him.Could there be a more treacherous and vile betrayal than this? "Come here," I said, pinning him to the floor and scratching his stomach hard. "It's not too bad. You'll see. Sex is always overrated." I still haven't recovered from my bad luck these past few weeks, so I take this seriously.But who am I going to deceive?Sex is actually pretty good.Sex is incredible.The poor dog will lose the single greatest joy in life.The poor fellow!I feel really bad. I whistled at him and he burst out the door and jumped into the car, with total blind trust in me not to lead him astray, and I felt even worse.He spun around quickly, ready to embark on a wonderful adventure.Jenny balanced his front paws on the main console, his nose touching the rearview mirror.Every time Jenny touched the brakes, he hit the windshield, but Marley didn't mind.He thought he was going on a fantastic ride with his two best friends.Is there a better life than this? I opened the window next to my seat a slit, and Marley began to lean to starboard, leaning against me, trying to catch a whiff of the sweet smell of the outdoors.Before long, he was wriggling onto my lap and pressing his nose so firmly into the slit of the car window that every time he tried to inhale, he let out loud wheezing noises. "Oh, why not?" I thought to myself.This will be the last time he goes out for a ride as a fully formed male, and the least I can do is give him some fresh air.So I opened the window wide enough for him to poke his muzzle out.He enjoyed it so much that I opened the window wider and before long his entire head was sticking out of the window.His ears flapped in the wind and his tongue hung out like he was drunk on the city's vinyl.God, he was so happy. As we drove down the Southern Highway, I told Jenny that I felt bad for what we were going to put him through.She started saying things like belittling my doubts.It was at this point that I noticed that I was more curious than frightened.Marley had hooked both of his front paws to the edge of the half-open window.Now, his neck and front shoulders are also hanging from the outside of the car.All he needs is a pair of goggles and a silk scarf to look like a World War I ace. "John, he makes me nervous like this," Jenny said. "He's fine," I replied, "he's just trying to get some fresh—" Before long, his front legs slid out of the window until he propped his armpits against the edge of the glass. "John, get him! Get him!" Before I could move, Marley was off my lap, about to climb out the window of our moving car.His ass was already in the air, and he stretched out his hind legs to grab a foothold.He is trying to escape from "prison".As his body slid past me, I lunged at him, trying to grab his tail slightly with my left hand.Jenny came to a screeching halt during rush hour traffic.Marley had swung completely out of the speeding car, his tail hanging upside down, and I finally grabbed his tail with the gentlest of grasps.My body twisted into a position that wouldn't allow me to grab him with the other hand.Marie trot wildly across the pavement on his front paws. Jenny parked the car in the one-way lane, causing a long queue of cars behind our car and honking protests. "What now?" I cried.I can be said to be unable to move.I couldn't drag him back through the car window.I can't open the car door.I also couldn't get my other arm out.And I dare not let him just run away, otherwise he will be rampage in the lane, the anger of the drivers who are forced to swerve all around us.I had to hold on to this position for the sake of my life, my face pressed against the glass, mere inches from his giant scrotum. Jenny turned on the flash and ran to my side, then grabbed Marley and tugged at his collar until I was able to get out of the car and helped her drag Marley back into the car.The farce we put on was exposed in front of a gas station, and when Jenny started the car up again, I saw all the mechanics running outside to watch the free drama.I saw them laughing up and down. "Thanks, guys!" I exclaimed, "So glad we made your mornings so enjoyable." When we got to the clinic, I led Marley inside, holding tight to the leash around his neck in case he tried to slip away again.My guilt has completely disappeared and my resolve has grown stronger. "You won't get away with it this time, eunuch boy!" I told him.He growled and panted, stretched his leash tight, and stretched his neck to smell all the other animals.In the waiting room, he terrorized several cats and knocked over a wooden shelf lined with pamphlets.I handed him over to Dr. Jay's assistant and said, "Take him for surgery." When I picked Marley home from the clinic that night, he was a changed dog.He felt a dull pain from the operation, so he had to move carefully.His eyes were bloodshot.Because of the anesthesia injection, he looked listless, staggering and staggering like he was drunk.Where the two crown jewels he'd swung back and forth so proudly before was... nothing but a small, wrinkled patch of skin.The bloodline of the irrepressible Marley was officially and forever ended. Our lives are increasingly defined by work: work at the newspaper; work in the house; work in the yard; work trying to conceive;In many ways, he is like a child, requiring considerable time and attention from adults.We increasingly feel a sense of responsibility that lies ahead of us, if we are at all going to start a family.As incompetent and stupid as we are at parenting, we at least know full well that when we go out, we can't keep a child like a dog, simply locked in the garage and left behind. A bowl of water will do. Even though we've been married for less than two years, we've already felt the rigor and stress of being an adult and responsible married life.We needed a vacation, just the two of us, away from the responsibilities and obligations of our daily lives.One night I took out two tickets to Ireland and gave Jenny a big surprise.We can go there for a three-week vacation.There will be no guidebooks, no tour guides, no must-see destinations on this vacation.Just a rental car, a driving map, and a guidebook listing the small bed and breakfasts along the way.Just holding these two tickets in our hands, we feel that the restraint on our shoulders has eased a lot. First, we have some responsibilities that we delegate to others, and Marley is at the top of the list.We quickly ruled out pet sitters that provide boarding.He was too young, too hyperactive, and uncontrollably wild to be stuck in a pen twenty-four hours a day.As Dr. Jay had predicted, castration did not make Marley one iota less energetic.Castration hadn't had any effect on his energy levels or his crazy demeanor.He's still an equally insane beast, except he no longer shows much interest in climbing inanimate objects.He's just too wild, unpredictable and destructive, always causing a little scare, to be dropped off at a friend's house.For this reason, it might be possible to place him in an enemy's house.All we need is a dog watcher who can live in the employer's home.Clearly, not just anyone is up to the job, especially considering the enormous challenges that raising a Marley represents.We needed someone who was responsible, trustworthy, very, very patient, and strong enough to follow up with a seventy-pound Labrador retriever as he ran away and subdue him. We made a list of every friend, neighbor, and co-worker we could think of, and then deleted names one by one.Total prom boy?delete.Too distracted?delete.Extremely disgusted with drooling dogs?delete.Don't want to pick up dog poop?delete.Allergic to dog fur?delete.So timid that you can't handle a dachshund, let alone a labrador retriever?delete.In the end, there was only one name left on our list - Kathy who worked in my office.She is single and very independent.Growing up in the rural Midwest, she loved animals and longed to one day trade her small apartment for a house with a yard.She is very athletic and likes to go for walks.It's just that she is shy and somewhat docile, so it is indeed difficult for her to impose her will on the wild and unruly Marley.But, other than that, she's a perfect fit.Best of all, she said yes to our hosting request. Even if we were placing a seriously ill baby in her care, I would not have gone to such lengths to prepare her with a checklist detailing the details.I filled six pages of this memorandum about Marley without blank lines, some of which are excerpted as follows: Feeding: Marley eats three meals a day, two cups each.The measuring cup is inside the bag.Remember to feed him when you get up in the morning and when you get home from get off work.The neighbors would come in at two or three o'clock in the afternoon to feed him.The daily allowance is a full six cups.But if he's still showing hunger, then give him another cup or so of food.You need to know to take him outside after every feeding.See "Dung Patrol" below. Vitamins: Every morning, we give Marley a pet-labelled vitamin.The best way to give him vitamins is to throw the pill on the floor and pretend he shouldn't be taking it.If he thought the pill was forbidden, he'd gobble it up.If for some reason this doesn't work, then you can try mixing the pill with his main food. Drinking water: In hot weather, it is very important to keep plenty of water on hand.We change the water bowl next to his food bowl every day, and if the water level in the bowl drops, we fill it up.A word of caution: Marley likes to submerge his snout in a water bowl and play diving.This can cause quite a mess.He will hold a lot of water in his mouth, and when he runs away from the water bowl, the water in his mouth will drip with him all the way.If you let him go, he will dry his mouth on your clothes, on the sofa.One last thing: he usually shakes his body after a long drink and his drool splatters on walls, lampshades, etc.We wipe the saliva off before it dries, otherwise when it dries it's less likely to be wiped off. Fleas and Ticks: If you find him with fleas and ticks, you can spray him with our leftover flea and tick spray.We also keep a bottle of bug spray that you can spray on the carpet and everything else.If you're not careful, you could be in big trouble.Fleas are tiny and fast moving so they are hard to catch, however we have found that they rarely bite humans so I wouldn't worry too much about it.The lice are bigger and move slowly. We often find lice on his body.If you find a louse on him, just pick it out and crush it on a paper towel (you may need to use your fingernails; they're surprisingly hard), or Flush it down the sink or the toilet (if the louse is swollen with too much blood, then the toilet should be the best option).You may have read about how lice can transmit diseases like Lyme-like arthritis to humans and cause all kinds of long-term health problems, but several veterinarians have assured us that in Florida Less risk of contracting Lyme-like disease.So, just make sure to wash your hands well after getting rid of a lice.The best way to get lice out of Marley is to give him a toy to hold in his mouth so he has something to do, then when you use the fingernails of one hand as pliers to get the lice out Sometimes, you have to pinch his skin together with the other hand.Speaking of which, if Marley smells really bad, be brave and you can give him a bath in the kiddie pool in our backyard (the reason we have a kiddie pool in the backyard is to for bathing it).However, you have to wear a bathing suit, otherwise, you will be soaked! Ears: Marley always had a lot of wax build up in his ears which could lead to infection if left untreated.During our absence, please use cotton balls and blue ear cleaning solution to remove as much gunk as possible from his ears once or twice.These things are very dirty, so be sure to wear an old piece of clothing when you clean his ears. Take a walk: If there's no morning walk, Marley will be messing around in the garage.For your own mental and physical health, you can take him out for a short walk before bed, but this is optional.When you take him for a walk, you'll use the chain around the neck, but never leave the chain around his neck when he's unattended, he'll strangle himself, you know, Marley is It's really possible to do something like this. Basic Commands: Taking him for a walk is a lot easier if you can get him to follow.To start, have him squat next to your left leg, and then command, "Marley, follow!" Then step forward with your left foot.If he tries to charge forward, give the belt a hard tug.This usually works when we do. (He used to go to obedience school!) Marley will often respond well to your "Marley, come here!" command if the leash is off.Note: It's better if you stand instead of crouching when you call him. Thunderstorms: During storms and even light rain, Marley is prone to behaving erratically.We keep his tranquilizer (yellow pill) and vitamins in the cupboard.Give him a pill (soon you'll be a weatherman) thirty minutes before a storm hits and it should curb his erratic behavior.Getting Marley to swallow the pill took some skill.He won't take those pills, just like he won't take his vitamins, even if you throw them on the floor and pretend he shouldn't be taking them.The best trick is to straddle him, then use one hand to break his jaw apart and use the other to push the pill as far down his throat as possible.Needs to get the pill deep enough so he can't cough it up.Then, stroke his throat until he swallows the pill.Obviously, you'll need to wash your hands afterward. 粪便巡逻：我将一把铁铲放在了芒果树的下面，我用它来清理马利的粪便。尽管跟在马利的身后去排除他布下的“地雷”，排雷的次数取决于你打算在后院步行多少次。千万当心你的脚下！ 禁止：我们不允许马利做如下的事情： ?爬上任何一件家具上面。 ?在家具、鞋子、枕头等物品上咬啮。 ?在抽水马桶里喝水。（最好始终把盖子放下来，务必小心：他知道如何用他的鼻子将盖子掀开。） ?在院子里挖洞或者将植物和花儿连根拔起。当他感到他没有得到主人的足够关注时，他便经常会这样做。 ?钻进任何一个垃圾桶中。（你或许可以将此项移到应被禁止的行为之首。） ?跳到人们身上，闻他们的胯部，或者其他社交上不能接受的举动。我们尤其曾经努力试图去纠正他啃咬人们胳膊的恶习，你能够想象得到，许多人都不会喜欢这种行为。如果他肆意为之的话，那么尽管去猛拍他的臀部，并严厉地发布禁止令：“不！” ?在餐桌旁乞求食物。 ?推前屏风门或者门廊上的屏风。（你会发现有几扇屏风已经被替换了。） 再次感谢你为我们做这些事情，凯西。你真是帮了我们一个大忙。要不然的话，我真不知道我们该怎么办才好。希望你和马利能够成为很好的朋友，希望你能够像我们一样被他接受。 我把这份说明书递给了詹妮，并问她我是否有遗忘掉了什么内容。她花了几分钟的时间将其浏览了一遍，然后抬起眼，说道：“你在想些什么？你不能够把这个给凯西看。”她在我面前挥动着这六页纸。“你如果给她看了这个的话，那么，你就最好忘掉去爱尔兰度假这件事情吧。她是我们所能够找到的唯一一个愿意代我们照看马利的人了。如果她读了这个的话，她会撒开腿一路狂奔的。”为了彻底打消我的荒唐做法，她又重复了一遍，“你究竟在想些什么啊？” “所以你认为这份说明书内容太多了，是吗？”我问道。 但是，我总认为应该将情况充分地公布出来，于是我仍然将这份说明书给凯西看了。凯西的确有好几次都明显地流露出了退缩之意，尤其是当我们对有关摘除虱子的技巧进行详细讲解的时候。尽管凯西看上去有些打退堂鼓，而且有一点儿青涩，但是她的品行实在是太高尚了，不愿意就此食言，所以她没有动摇。“旅途愉快，”她说道，“我们会很好的。” 爱尔兰有我们梦想中的一切美丽，有着田园牧歌一般的景色和情调，氛围悠闲散漫，气候宜人，多数日子里都是晴空万里，使得当地居民们为爆发旱灾的可能性而烦恼不已。正如我们曾对自己许诺过的那样，我们没有制定任何时间进度表，也没有设定任何的路线。我们只是没有明确目标地四处游荡着，驾着租来的汽车沿着海岸线行驶着。有时候我们会将车停下来，四处溜达溜达，或者去商店买些东西，或者远足，或者畅饮一杯英国产强性黑啤酒，或者只是凝视着大海。我们停下车来同那些正在割干草的农夫们交谈几句，与站在道路上的绵羊合影留念。如果我们看见了一条有趣的乡间小路，我们便会转向驶入这条道上。但是我们不太可能会迷路，因为我们没有必须要去的地方。我们在家中所有的责任和义务，如今都成为了十分遥远的记忆。 每一天，当夜幕降临的时候，我们便开始寻找一个地方过夜。这儿总是会有一些由那些甜美的爱尔兰寡妇们所经营的家庭旅馆，她们会热情地接待我们，为我们端茶送水，为我们铺好床单，而且，她们似乎总是会问我们同样的问题：“那么，你们两个计划要在不久的将来组织起一个家庭是吗？”然后，她们便会离开，将我们留在我们的房间里，当她们关上身后的房门时，她们的脸上总是会闪现出一丝古怪的、暧昧的笑容。 詹妮和我开始深信，在爱尔兰有一条全国性的法律，那便是要求所有的客人的床铺都必须面朝着一面巨大的、挂有罗马教皇或者圣母玛丽亚画像的墙壁。有些家庭旅馆的宗教气息更为浓厚，教皇和圣母的画像都会挂上。有一家甚至还在床头板上悬挂了一套特大尺寸的对圣母玛丽亚表示虔诚的玫瑰经文以及念珠。爱尔兰法律针对独身的旅行者还规定，所有的客人的床铺都必须破旧不堪，容易咯吱作响，每一次，当床铺的使用者只是翻一下身的时候，床铺都会发出巨大的声响，听上去就像是一个警报。 所有这一切都在共同谋划制造出一种仿佛女修道院一般的环境，恋爱关系不仅极易曝光，而且似乎应该备受谴责。此刻，我们便身处在某一位爱尔兰寡妇的家庭旅馆中——某一位虔诚的天主教徒的爱尔兰妇人的家中——薄薄的墙壁，一张会发出巨大声响的床，圣徒和圣母的雕像，以及一位好管闲事的女主人——就我们所知，她总是徘徊在我们的房门的另一边。这是一个你最不太可能激发起性欲的地方。不过，这样的一处环境却令我对我的妻子产生了某种新的、强大的渴望。 我们关上灯，爬上床，我们身上萌生出了春天的躁动情绪。于是，我立即将我的手滑向了詹妮那高耸的胸部以及平坦的腹部上。 “不可以！”她压低声音说道。 “为什么不可以？”我也低声地反驳道。 “你疯了吗？欧弗莱赫蒂夫人就待在墙壁的另一边呢。” "so what?" “我们不可以！” “我们当然可以。” “她会听得一清二楚的。” “我们可以很安静。” “哦，拜托！” “我保证，我们仅仅动动身体。” “好吧，先去拿一件T恤衫或者别的什么东西把教皇像遮起来，”她最后终于态度缓和了，说道，“他这样盯着我们，我可什么也做不了。” 突然间，性爱似乎变成如此……如此……不正当的行为。这就好像又回到了高中时候，我在母亲怀疑的目光下鬼鬼祟祟地偷尝禁果，如此新鲜和刺激。在这种环境下冒险做爱，便是冒着第二天早上在公共早餐桌上要遭受不体面的羞辱的危险。当欧弗莱赫蒂夫人为我们端来鸡蛋和油炸西红柿的时候，她会扬起眉毛，投来狡黠的一瞥，露齿一笑，然后问道：“那么，那张床你们睡得还舒服吧？” 爱尔兰是一个从一个海岸到达另一个海岸的禁欲地带。而这便是我所需要的全部诱惑。 然而，詹妮无法停止对留在家中的她那个大宝宝的担忧。每隔几天，她都会将一把硬币投进投币式公用电话里，打电话回家向凯西询问近况。我便会站在电话亭外面，听着詹妮的谈话内容。 “他做的吗？……真的吗？……差点被车给撞了？……你没有受伤吧，对吗？……感谢上帝！……我也吓得差点都要尖叫了！……什么？你的鞋子？……哦，不！还有你的钱包？……我们一定会替你支付维修费用的。……什么都没有剩下吗？……当然，我们会坚持把它们替换的。……他还怎么了？……你是说，湿水泥？怎么会发生这样的事情呢？” 每一通电话都是对马利的各种罪行的冗长而枯燥的陈述，一次比一次恶劣，有一些罪行甚至连我们也大吃一惊，比如马利同一群小狗干了一仗，并且成为了这场战斗的坚强的生还者。马利的确是一名无药可救的学生，而凯西则是一位倒霉的代课老师。他真是可以痛快地玩上了一阵子了。 当我们回到家的时候，马利从门内冲了出来迎接我们。凯西站在门道里，看上去已经是精疲力尽了。她眼神恍惚，犹如一名在一场激烈的特殊战役中被炮弹的爆炸声震住了的士兵。她已经把自己的行李打包好了，坐在前门廊上，一副随时准备起身离去的样子。她手里握着她的汽车钥匙，仿佛她已经迫不及待地想要逃离了。我们把给她买的礼物交到了她的手里，对她千恩万谢，告诉她不要为撕裂开的屏风以及其他遭受损害的物品担心。她礼貌地向我们致歉，然后便迅速离去了。 我们完全可以估算出，凯西在马利面前完全不具有任何的权威性，甚至都无法控制住他。伴随着每一次的胜利，马利变得越来越肆无忌惮了。他肯定将“尾随”抛到了九霄云外，把可怜的凯西拖在他的身后，去任何他想去的地方。他拒绝走到她的身边去。他夺取任何使他感到高兴的东西——鞋子、钱包、枕头，而且一旦抢夺之后就不肯放手了。他从凯西的盘子里面偷走食物。他在垃圾堆里扫荡一通。他甚至试图接管她的床铺。他已经裁定了当父母外出的时候他便是这栋房子里的主宰，而且他不打算让某个态度温和的室友同他争夺主导阶层的地位以及压制他的玩乐。 “可怜的凯西，”詹妮说道，“她看上去似乎都已经崩溃了，你不这样认为吗？” “更像是被粉碎了。” “我们或许不应该请她来为我们当看狗人的。” “不，”我回答说，“这或许并不是一个好的想法。” 我把身体转向马利，说道：“蜜月已经结束了，酋长。从明天开始，你就要回到严酷的训练中去了。” 第二天早上，詹妮和我都重新开始了工作。但是，我在出发去上班之前，先将贴颈链子绕到了马利的脖子上，并带他出去溜达了一会儿。他立即往前冲去，甚至都没有假装试图去尾随。“有点儿生锈了，对吗？”我问道，使劲拽着拴在他脖颈上的皮带。他被迫纠正着自己的行路方式，咳嗽着，并且以一种极为受伤的表情看着我，似乎在说：“你不必这么粗鲁和严厉。凯西就从来不介意被我拖着走。” “你还是好好习惯我的这种方式吧。”我说道，将他摆弄成一个坐着的姿势。我调整了一下贴颈链子，以便它高高地束在马利的脖子上，我的经验告诉我，只有束在这个部位才最有效果。“Ok，让我们再试试这个。”我说道。他看着我，表情充满了冷漠的怀疑。 “马利，跟上！”我命令道，然后精神抖擞地迈开我的左腿，而牢牢地握在我的左手中的皮带则紧夹在他的贴颈铁链的末端。他摇摇晃晃地走着，而我则用力地拉着皮带，毫无怜悯之心地让铁链紧勒着他的脖颈。“像那样战胜一位可怜的女人，”我咕哝道，“你应该为你自己感到羞耻才对。”到了这次散步结束的时候，由于我把皮带抓得太紧了，以致于我的指关节都变白了，我最后终于设法让他知道跟我出去散步可再不能够吊儿郎当了。“这不是一项游戏，而是一种实实在在的关于有什么样的行为就会产生什么样的后果的教训。”如果他想歪歪斜斜地走路，那么我就会让他的脖子勒紧以致于无法呼吸。每一次都会这样手下毫不留情，绝无例外。如果他愿意尽力配合，乖乖地走在我的身旁的话，那么我就不会抓得那么牢，而他也就几乎感觉不到脖子上绕着铁链。不听话地倾斜着身子走路，就会窒息难受；老老实实地尾随在主人身旁，就会呼吸畅快。这种行为与结果之间的逻辑关系实在是非常简单，即使是像马利这样的愚笨的脑袋瓜子也能够领会得到。一次又一次，一次又一次，当我们行走在自行车道上的时候，我们便重复着这一序列：不听话地倾斜着身子走路，就会感到窒息难受；老老实实地尾随在主人身旁，就会呼吸畅快。慢慢地，马利开始明白我是主人，而他是宠物，这便是真实的关系和状况，而这一关系和状况将会一直持续下去。当我们转到车道上的时候，我这只习惯于同主人对抗的狗，开始在我身旁一路快步走着，虽然他的表现算不上完美，但也值得赞赏了。因为，这是他有生以来第一次真真切切地紧随在主人身旁，或者至少尝试着做到近似尾随的状态。我将把他今天的表现当作是我所取得的一次重大的胜利。“哦，耶！”我兴高采烈地唱道，“发号施令的人又回来了。” 几天之后，詹妮从办公室给我打来电话。她刚刚去见过了谢尔曼医生。“这真是爱尔兰的好运，”她说道，“我又怀孕了。” 这一次的怀孕是不同的。我们上一次的流产遭遇，已经教会了我们一些重要的教训，所以，这一次，我们不打算再犯同样的错误了。最为重要的是，我们一直严密封锁了怀孕的消息，一直到生产的那一天。除了詹妮的医生和护士之外，没有一个人，甚至连我们的父母们，都没有从我们这里获得过关于怀孕的确证。当我们有朋友来访的时候，詹妮会从一个酒杯里面吸吮葡萄汁，以便不会引起大家的怀疑。除了保守秘密之外，我们还努力克制着自己的兴奋之情，甚至是当我们两个人独处的时候也是如此。我们开始使用带有条件从句的句子，比如，“如果一切事情都没有问题的话……”，以及“假如一切顺利的话”。就好像如果我们过于热情的话，就会对怀孕不吉利一样。我们不敢将自己的快乐释放出来，唯恐它会转过头来咬伤我们一样。 我们把所有的化学清洁剂以及杀虫剂都锁藏了起来。我们不想再重蹈覆辙了。詹妮变成了一位主张用醋来作为天然的清洁能源的皈依者，醋甚至还被用来应对将马利留在墙壁上的已经变干了的口水溶解掉这一极为艰巨的挑战。我们发现，硼酸——一种对于臭虫具有致命的杀伤力但对人体无害的白色粉末，在保持马利以及他的被褥不受跳蚤侵害这一方面十分有效。假如他偶尔需要使用跳蚤浸液的话，那么我们就会把这件工作交由专业人士去完成。 詹妮每天早上都会在黎明时分起床，然后带着马利沿着码头漫步。当他们身上带着海水那咸咸的味道回到家的时候，我也刚好起床了。我的妻子在各种方面都堪称一个精力充沛、身体健康的孕妇的典范，只有一点除外。她大部分的时候，甚至是一整天，都会不停地呕吐。可是她却没有任何的怨言，她迎接着每一次胃部排山倒海的翻涌。她的态度甚至可以被形容为愉快地接受，因为这是她体内的那个小家伙正在嘎嚓嘎嚓地移动着并且一切都好的一个信号。 确实是如此。这一次，埃西将我带去的录像带进行了拷贝，记录下了我们的小宝宝的最初的粒面图像。我们能够听到他的心跳声，看到他那四个小小的心室有规律地律动着。我们能够描画出他头部的大致轮廓，数出全部的四肢。谢尔曼医生将头探进超声波室里，宣布胎儿一切正常，然后，看着詹妮，用他那低沉而又有回响的声音说道：“你为什么哭呢，孩子？你应该高兴才是啊。”埃西用她的写字夹板把谢尔曼医生狠狠地打了一下，责怪道：“你快离开，让她一个人待一会儿。”然后，她拿眼珠子朝詹妮转动了两下，似乎在说：“这些男人！他们实在是太愚笨了。” 谈到与怀孕的妻子如何相处这方面，确实可以用“愚笨”来形容我。我给了詹妮足够的空间，对于她所承受的反胃和疼痛深表同情，并且当她坚持对我大声朗读她那本《你应该如何迎接一个小宝宝的降临》的育儿书籍时，尽力不扮明显的鬼脸。当她的腹部逐渐隆起的时候，我便对她的身材大加赞美，说一些诸如“你看上去棒极了！真的，你看上就像一个刚刚把一个篮球藏进了自己衬衣下面的身材苗条的商店扒手”之类的话。我甚至尽最大的力量去纵容着她那日益古怪和非理性的行为。不久，当我随时都有可能去二十四小时营业的超市里购买冰淇淋、苹果、芹菜或者口香糖以及许多我以前从未听说过的食物时，我便同超市的店员们很快混熟到可以直呼其名的程度了。“你确定这是小鳞茎？”我向店员询问道，“她说必须是小鳞茎。”