Chapter 70 my house rules

My House Rules ① In the morning, I woke up, got out of bed, and stood in front of the mirror to tie my tie. At this time, my mother-in-law, wife, and sister-in-law walked quietly into my room.They lined up, smiled respectfully, and said good morning to me.I just nodded to them, gave a speech, and explained to them that I was the head of the family. "You bastards, I feed you, I feed you, I teach you the right way," I said to them, "I enlightened you fools, so you have to respect me, admire me, and fear me , I admire my works so much, listen to me obediently, and don’t allow a single bit of presumptuousness. If not,... Ah, you evil spirits, beware of me! Be careful and I will expose your skin! I want Let me show you how amazing it is!" and so on.

After the family listened to my speech, they went out and got down to business.My mother-in-law and wife went to the editorial office with my article: the wife went to "Alarm Clock", the mother-in-law went to "Daily News" to contact Lipskerov.My aunt sat down to transcribe my essays, novellas, essays.As for the manuscript fee, I always send my mother-in-law.If the publisher is not willing to pay, and keeps saying "Come back tomorrow", then before I send her to collect the manuscript fee, I will first make her eat raw meat for three days, so as to make her feel angry and arouse her hatred for the publisher in her heart. Sworn hatred.She blushed, furious, baring her teeth and claws, and went straight to the editorial office to collect the money. As a result, she never came back empty-handed.In addition, she also has a duty, which is to defend me from the entanglement of creditors.If there are too many creditors and my sleep is hindered, I will use Pasteur's method to inoculate my mother-in-law with the virus of hydrophobia, and then place her at the gate, so that even a villain will not dare to come to the door!

At lunch, I ate vegetable soup and roast goose with cabbage, and my wife sat down next to the piano and played "Boccaccio"⑥, "Irene"⑦ and "The Bell of Corneville"⑧ for me. At the dinner table, my mother-in-law and my sister-in-law danced in three-time Spanish dance.I promised to send a copy of my writings, signed by the author, to anyone who particularly pleased me, but if something happened to this lucky woman that day, I would lose my temper. I won't honor my promise.After the meal, I lay on the couch to refresh myself, blowing out the smoke of my cigar around me, while my sister-in-law recited my works, and my mother-in-law and wife listened quietly.

"Oh, how wonderful!" They must be full of praise. "Wonderful! What deep thoughts! Emotions, like the sea! So charming!" When I started to doze off, they would sit around and talk in whispers, but loud enough for me to hear. "He is a genius! No, he is a great genius! If mankind does not try to understand him, the loss will be too great! We insignificant people live under the same roof with such a genius. How lucky!" If I was fast asleep, the woman on duty sat next to my pillow and fanned me to keep the flies away. When I awoke I cried out: "Stupid, bring me some tea!"

But the tea is ready.They brought me tea, bowing and begging: "Drink, father and benefactor! Here is jam, here is sweetbread. . . . Please accept this tribute that we can afford. . . . "Drink After tea, as usual, I punished them for the mistakes they committed against good family traditions. If there is no fault, it will still be punished, but it will be recorded in the future account.The severity of the punishment depends on the size of the fault. So if I'm dissatisfied with copying, dancing, or jamming, the criminal has to memorize a few scenes from the life of a merchant, or bounce around the rooms on one leg, or until I don't know what to do. The editorial department that submitted the manuscript will go to collect the manuscript fee.Anyone who dared to disobey orders or express dissatisfaction, I took more severe measures, simply put her in the store room, or forced her to smell the smell of Armonia water, etc.If the mother-in-law started making a noise, I would send for the police and the house sweeper.

At night, while I was sleeping, the three women in my family did not sleep, patrolling the rooms and guarding them carefully lest my works should be stolen by thieves. "Notes" ① is a Russian codex in the sixteenth century, which requires family life to obey parents unconditionally. ② A comic weekly published in Moscow (this work was published in that journal). ③The publisher of "Daily News" at that time. ——Russian text editor's note ④ Pasteur (1822-1895), an outstanding French biologist. ⑤ That is rabies, Pasteur once invented the vaccination method for this infectious disease.

⑥ An operetta compiled by the German composer Zuppe, staged in 1875. ——Russian text editor's note ⑦The operetta compiled by the French composer Offenbach, whose full name is "The Beautiful Irene", was staged in 1864. ——Russian text editor's note ⑧The operettas compiled by the French composer Planquet, staged in 1877. ——Russian text editor's note