Chapter 19 nineteen

During our first winter of marriage, Lucy and I had a fight. I would love to have a child, a child who has both my physical features and hers.I fantasized about Lucy being pregnant, about her big belly and a life growing inside her.I imagined us pushing the stroller on the tree-shaded streets, our son or daughter lying in the small four-wheeler, and even a man and a woman at the same time——after all, there are not no such things in my family. Had twins.I want to push the stroller and describe the surrounding life to the child while walking. "Look," I'd say, "the leaves are changing color. Look, Miss Singer is driving past in the red car." My child is lying in the stroller, looking at the sky, and I can see the newborn on his head soft curly hair.How I longed for this.I'm going to lay out a blanket on the grass for my kid to lie on when the weather warms up so he can grab a handful full of green grass and wriggling bugs in his hand.I'm going to snatch the worms from between his fat, short fingers before he can put what he catches in his mouth.I want to throw him high into the air and listen to his happy laughter.I want to hold him and dance around the room when he is in a mood and refuses to sleep.

The first time I mentioned having a baby was in a restaurant when a couple sat at the next table with a baby, maybe seven or eight months old.I love the sight of the parents teasing the baby with one toy after another from a large diaper bag, feeding the baby biscuits from a plastic bag full of food, and quenching his thirst with juice.From time to time the baby uttered a series of inaudible syllables, filling the restaurant with this joyous sound. Later, the baby's mother scooped a spoonful of "couscous" wheat rice from the plate and stuffed it into the baby's mouth. "Look, look!" she said happily to her husband as the baby swallowed the wheat rice. "This is the first time he's had couscous!"

Lucy immediately smiled at me when she heard it. "First time eating couscous," she said to me in a low voice, "if it was my kid, it would probably be: 'Wow, look, he's eating Big Mac for the first time Hamburger!'" I laughed. "It could be the first time eating tortillas... Well, isn't this a painting by Norman Knoxwell?" "Or a figurine of 'Baby Time,' if he eats a 'Hostes' cupcake for the first time." "His first onion rings." "His first Mountain Dew soda." "A colleague at my school said that his mother used to put Coke in a bottle for him to drink when he was a child."

"Wow, there's nothing more dramatic than a baby getting caffeine addicted." I took a few mouthfuls of the salad and didn't speak for a while. "So," I said, "have you thought about it?" "What?" she asked. "Baby caffeine addiction?" "No," I said, "I mean the baby, the pregnancy thing." "Of course I did," she said, "but most of the answers were 'no.'" She stared at me intently, as if to see my reaction. "Why not?" I asked, "Don't you like children?" "Like it, just not sure I should have one too."

"Your wording is weird," I said. "Instead of saying 'I'm not sure I want to have a baby' or 'I'm not sure I'd like to have a baby' you're saying 'I'm not sure I should have a baby. Child'. Does that have any special meaning?" "Again," said Lucy, with a grimace, "that's the bad thing about being with a linguist." "Cut it off, I mean it," I said, "I'm curious, why do you think you shouldn't have kids?" She stared at my face for a long moment before saying, "I'm just not sure... if it's fair for the child to have a mother like me. Well, this is the last time I'll discuss this."

I looked at her, rather surprised. "Are you kidding me? My God, Lucy, I think you'd be the best mother in the world. You're loving and kind—" She raised her hand to stop my words. "Stop it," she said, "I told you, I don't want to talk about it, okay?" "But... Lucy, I can't believe you're thinking that." She stood up. "I'm going to the bathroom," she said, "and when I get back we'll change the subject and talk about something else." She turned to leave, but stopped suddenly. "You should know I would never feed a baby that kind of thing, though, right?" she said.

"Look," I said with a smile, "isn't this the instinct of maternal love?" We didn't talk about it again that night, but it didn't end there.Over the next few weeks, I found myself thinking about this question a lot.There was a girl named Angelica in my class at that time?Latha's girl was pregnant, and one day she and I happened to be in class early, and after a few casual conversations with her, I decided to ask her some questions to help me sort out my doubts. "By the way," I asked at the time, "have you always wanted to have a baby?"

She thought about it. "Yeah, I really want it," she said. "My husband insisted on not wanting it, but in the end he compromised." She patted her round belly with her hand and added, "Obviously." "How did you convince him?" "Well... basically I didn't convince him. He's a pretty cautious guy who likes to take his time thinking about it. It took him seven years to decide to marry me, and by then we were both living together Five years." "Wow!" I said. "Honestly," she said with a smile, "I know he will decide to have a baby in the end, and I'm only worried that maybe I'll be eighty years old by then."

"Did you not pressure him?" "No. I know John and he doesn't care about people putting him under pressure, so I just take it easy. I sometimes talk about kids we know, and make jokes about it. Once, we Playing a game of imagining what would be the worst name for our own child, the winner was the girl's name 'Tabula'. Can you hear that? When you add my last name to it, it becomes 'Tabula' Tabula? Rasa' (Tabula Rasa), and classroom 'whiteboards' (tabula raza) homonym. " I laughed. "Then," she continued, "one day, while we were watching a show, he turned to me and said, 'Let's have a baby.'"

"That's great," I said. "Yeah, and he couldn't wait for the words to come out, and he ended up reading more baby books than I did." We talked here, and two more students entered the classroom, so the conversation changed to other places.When I got home that night, I decided to try Angelica's method. I told Lucy the "Tybila" joke first, and she laughed and said, "Ha, you linguists, you're always so sensitive." "After hearing the joke," I said, "I couldn't help thinking, too, what names wouldn't go with my surname 'Iverson,' but it didn't seem that easy. The worst thing I can think of right now is 'Ivan? Iverson' (Ivan

Iverson). " "The name hasn't 'Stinky? Iverson' (Stinky Iverson) is ugly," Lucy said, "but it has nothing to do with the last name, I think if you name a child 'stinky' (stinky) it will definitely make him feel bad for the rest of his life. " Things seem to be going pretty well, I thought. "What about your last name 'Ransome'?" I said. "Is there any name that can't be taken before 'Ransome'? I thought, 'Kings' can't be taken. You must not Would love to see a child named 'Kings? Lanson'? Sounds like 'king? ransom) exactly the same.But then again, it's not really a name after all. " "My dad used to tell some jokes like this, but I was too young to remember why he said there should be two sons and they should be named William as well. God, I wish I could remember so you You'll know what kind of man my father is. Anyway, the best thing about this name is that the ransom is paid in small coins." I laughed again, but this time it seemed too fake. Lucy looked at me with a sudden serious look on her face. "My dear, I know what you mean by saying these things," she said, "and to tell you the truth, it's quite useless." "No?" I took her hand. "Lucy, I don't want to put pressure on you, but don't you have any chance of changing your mind?" "People always say anything is possible, but I don't think so." She looked away. "Maybe we should talk about this before we get married," she said, as if it was a serious problem. "Speak clearly earlier, maybe it will change something." Her voice suddenly became thin and weak, like a little girl. "No, absolutely not," I said hastily, "nothing will change my determination to marry you." This sentence made her smile again. "I don't deny that I'm a little disappointed, and I don't deny that I hope you can think about it again, but no matter what your decision is, it won't affect our relationship." In this way, I accepted Lucy's decision, agreed not to have children, and agreed to live a two-person life without children.Although I still have some doubts about the future, I don’t know how to fill this space——shouldn’t there be a space for children between husband and wife?Shouldn't there be a child walking between us, holding our hands on the left and right?However, I was relieved and decided to let us occupy each other's future days.We will move forward closely, and although the shadow cast on the ground is not the familiar letter H—the image of a child walking hand in hand between two adults, we will still go on firmly.We'll live comfortably without children screaming, wreaking havoc, or mediating disputes over toys.We will not be disturbed at all, just live a peaceful and comfortable life day after day.We can go on like this, and the love between the two will last forever like the blue sky.For her, I could do it, and it wouldn't be too bad.Of course, there may be bad times in the future, but since it's two people together, why should I care?My love for her has already spread, enough to withstand any wind, frost, rain and snow.We'll be fine, as long as we're together.We're sure to be fine.