Chapter 119 The fifth female prisoner (3)

Because I wanted to leave the Duchess as soon as possible before Albertine came home, I often happened to meet M. de Charlus and Morel in the courtyard when I was leaving Madame de Guermantes' mansion. They had gone to drink tea at Jupien's, the baron's favorite shop.I don't see them every day, but they are a must every day.Speaking of which, it is worth noting that a habit often lasts in proportion to its absurdity.Astonishing moves are usually only done occasionally.Yet the absurd life of an eccentric man who insists on refusing to enjoy himself at the door, and suffers the greatest misfortune, continues day after day without interruption.If anyone, out of curiosity, observes ten years in a row, he will find that for ten years, when he should be enjoying the pleasures of life, the poor wretch has been sleeping and doing nothing but going to the streets. He went out into the street again when he could only get stabbed in vain. The poor fellow had a cold all year round, but when he felt hot, he had to drink iced drinks.In fact, as long as there is such a day, a little fun can change this situation once and for all.But this kind of life has a virtue, that is, it makes you unable to get excited about it.Another aspect of this monotonous life is depravity, because any act of will can make this life less unbearable.When M. de Charlus took Morel to Jupien's shop every day to drink tea, we could see these two sides of life at the same time.De Charlus once lost his temper, which showed what this daily habit was all about.The niece of the little waistcoat tailor said to Morel one day: "Well, come tomorrow, and I'll treat you to tea," the Baron thought quite reasonably, coming from a man whom he almost regarded as the future. The mouth of a daughter-in-law's girl is too vulgar; and since the Baron is naturally irritable, and he can't get enough of it without losing his temper, he didn't simply tell Morrel to teach the girl to be polite, Instead, he cursed and yelled non-stop on the way home.He shouted in the most impertinent and arrogant tone: "I said, being able to pluck the strings is not necessarily the 'sense of touch'. Well, no, you play with the violin all day, and the result is that it hinders your normal sense of smell." Go on, how else would you go so far as to drink tea to a guest, I think that's only fifteen centimes, and let this vulgarity be allowed to stain my noble nostrils with its stench? After you play a violin solo, have you ever seen someone in my house who didn't clap your hands desperately, or keep silent meaningfully, but farted at you? They kept silent because they already I was so moved by your piano sound that I was so intoxicated that I was afraid that I could not help crying (not like your fiancée shedding tears and snot at you)."

If an employee gets such a scolding from his boss, he will be fired the next day.But the case of Morel was different, and there was nothing more dreadful to de Charlus than to dismiss Morel. He even feared that he had said too much, so he began to babble. He said a lot of compliments to the young girl. He thought he was generous and decent, but unexpectedly leaked a lot of abrupt and rude words. "She's cute. Since you're a musician, I think she hooked you with her voice, she has a beautiful voice in the high register, sounds like you can get your B-sharp. I don't know her bass I like it. It must have something to do with her neck. Her neck is very thin and strange. Here, her profile is quite to my liking. Since she is a tailor, she must be very good with scissors, and you must ask her to cut me a profile of herself."

Charley, who had never paid much attention to compliments on the loveliness of his fiancée, paid the Baron's compliment all the more a deaf ear.But he replied to Mr. de Charlus: "Of course, my brother, I will give her a bar of soap and let her stop talking like that." Morel said to Mr. de Charlus like this: "I brother," not because the brilliant violinist was too confused to understand that he was only one-third the baron's age.He said this, also unlike Jupien, who said it in a naive way of thinking about certain intercourse, as an expression of intimacy (in Morel, it was pretended intimacy, in him The age difference must be canceled tacitly before others are genuinely affectionate.Just like that, Mr. de Charlus also received such a letter at that time: "My dear Balamed, when will I see you again? You are not here, I am so bored, always Thinking of you, blah blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. It must be a friend who knew him very well, but even though he was an acquaintance, this Pierre was only a rough literacy.For several days the names of princes and dignitaries who deserved a place in the Almanac of Gotha passed through M. de Charlus's mind.Finally, an address on the back of the envelope gave him a sudden insight: it turned out that the author of the letter was a footman in a club where M. de Charlus sometimes went to play.The footman did not feel that it was impolite to write to M. de Charlus in this tone, and in fact M. de Charlus was, in his eyes, a very important person.But he thought it would be a shame not to address a gentleman who had embraced him more than once, and had expressed his affection—in his innocence, he thought—by such embraces. It seems to be divided.In fact, Mr. de Charlus liked this familiarity from the bottom of his heart.On one occasion he even went so far as to accompany this gentleman for a drive all morning, in order to conceal the letter from M. de Vougoube.But everyone knows that M. de Charlus hates to go out with M. de Vogoubert.Because the gentleman with the monocle always likes to judge the young people on the road up and down, and what is even more unbearable is that the gentleman always likes to be unscrupulous whenever he is with M. de Charlus. using a language that the Baron hated to the core.He feminizes all the men's names, and, being a born fool, he thinks it's a clever joke, and laughs at the top of his voice.But he is also a guy who takes his position as a diplomat very seriously, so as long as he sees high-class people passing by on the street—especially civil servants—he will immediately brake and withdraw his sword. Ridiculous behavior. "That little woman with the telegram," he said, nudging the sullen Baron with his elbow, "I know her, but she's avoiding us, slut! Oh! That's not from Lafayette's." Dude, he's there too! God, it's the undersecretary of the Ministry of Commerce who walked by just now. I hope he didn't see me gesticulating! Or he'll tell the minister, and the minister will take me Included in the list of retired personnel, because he himself has to retire." Mr. de Charlus was so angry that he had nowhere to vent his stomach.At the end of the day, in order to bring this exasperating walk to an end, he decided to show the ambassador the letter, but he specifically told him to keep it quiet, because, as he said, Charade would do it for his own sake. Show your passion and jealousy. "So," he said, in the most ridiculously good-natured tone, "things have to be taken before they happen."

Before returning to Jupien's tailor's shop, the author would like to say how sorry he is if the reader is offended by these grotesque events.In one respect (and this is a secondary aspect of the matter), the reader may feel that the accusations of the decline of the aristocracy in this volume seem too much relative to other social classes.And if that's the case, it shouldn't be too surprising.Those most ancient families can only rely on a red nose with a big nose knot and a big crooked chin to show some admirable "blood" characteristics.However, between these faces that have been passed down from generation to generation and are getting worse, there are still two invisible things, which are temperament and taste.Whoever says that all this is irrelevant to us, and that we should find its poetry in the facts at hand, is expressing, after all, a more serious objection, though he is right. .To be sure, art that abstracts from the reality with which we are most familiar does exist, and their range may be the widest.But it is also true that the same strong interest--sometimes it is the sense of beauty--may also arise from actions of a temperament which are so remote from what we can feel and believe that we cannot comprehend them at all, So that when we see them displayed in front of us, we just feel that it is a scene that came out of nowhere for no reason.Xerxes, the son of Darius, orders the sea that swallows up his fleet to be lashed with the whip. Is there any more magnificent poem?

-------- ① Darius I (approximately 558 BC-486 BC), the king of the ancient Persian Empire, led two large-scale invasions of Greece, both of which were frustrated.In 480 BC, his son Xerxes led a fleet to invade the Artiga Peninsula of Greece through Thermopylae, and was immediately defeated in the Battle of Salamis.Xerxes also translated Xerxes I, known for his stubbornness and tyranny in history. Morrel must have taken advantage of the authority over the young girl which his charms had given him, and made her his own of the Baron's remarks, for "Tea Treat" had disappeared from the tailor's shop forever. Without a trace, it's like an acquaintance who comes to your house every day. For some reason, or you have a quarrel with him, or you don't want people to see him at home, you just want to meet him outside. In short, he disappeared from your living room.M. de Charlus was satisfied with this, and what he saw in it was a proof that he had enough influence to influence Morel, and that the young girl wiped away the blemish.In short, like all men of his kind, sincerely a friend of Morrel and his fiancée, and a most ardent supporter of their union, the Baron, though he liked a little authority, said whatever he liked. In any case, it was an innocuous exaggeration, but otherwise he always maintained the majesty of an Olympian god to Morrel like a brother.Morel had told M. de Charlus that he loved Jupien's niece and wanted to marry her, and the Baron was pleased to accompany his young friend to visit the tailor's shop, in which he played the role of tolerance. And prudent future father-in-law's role.It really made him happier.

My own opinion is that it was Morel himself who said "a treat to tea" first, and that the young tailor, out of the blindness of love, just borrowed a phrase from her sweetheart, which is as vulgar as it is. The elegance of her usual conversation was out of place.Her usual gentleness of conversation, which, in combination with her having M. de Charlus as a backer, made several of her clients treat her favorably, invite her to dinner, introduce her to their friends, and girls always had to. He first obtained the baron's permission before going to a banquet on an occasion he thought was appropriate. "A girl who works as a tailor can step into high society?" Someone will say, "It's getting more and more outrageous! But why doesn't he think about it, Albertine came to see me in the middle of the night, and now I live with me like this?" At the same time, are these not even more outrageous. To another girl, you may say outrageous and so on, but to Albertine, these two words are completely useless. , so that at Balbec, at first I thought she was the mistress of a race car driver. Her closest relative was Mrs. Bontemps. But now I close my eyes, wishing I could send her out and join the rich relatives, so that she, as an aunt, can get some benefits. They, after finding a rich in-law for their son, will accept the filial piety of the young couple, and accept the gifts of leather clothes, cars and money from the daughter-in-law who she doesn't like but still recommends to friends.)

Perhaps there will come a day when girls who work as tailors will be able to step into the upper class, and I will not be surprised at that.It's a pity that Jupien's niece is only an isolated example, which is not enough for us to foresee the prospect. A single swallow will not make a spring.However, although these innocuous actions of Jupien's niece have made some people feel a little resentful, Morrel is not like this, because in a sense he is really stupid. His a thousand times smarter girl is "foolish" (perhaps she is a little foolish in loving him), and treats the ladies of decent families who are happy to receive her (and she doesn't get carried away by it) Seen as adventurers, tailor girls dressed as dames.Naturally, this is not the case for those in the Gelmont House, or even those who have some contacts with the Gelmont House. He refers to those bourgeois girls with rich hands and elegant manners. It's really free and new, they think that receiving a seamstress will not lower their own status, and their brains are so blindly obedient, they actually go to the palace sincerely every day because they have treated His Royal Highness Baron de Charlus favorably. There was a certain satisfaction in looking at her young girl.

The baron was filled with joy at the memory of this marriage, which he felt no one would take Morrel from him; just as Jupien's niece, when she was almost a child, had committed a crime. Like "fault".Although M. de Charlus also said some flattering words in front of Morel, if he had the opportunity to reveal this secret in front of Morel, make him angry, and make the young couple quarreling, it would be very important to the Baron. It can be said that there is no joy in it.In fact, M. de Charlus, in spite of his evil intentions, is like many good people who show their generosity by flattering a man or woman, but who do not pay attention to anyone who can bring peace to the other. An Ning's heartfelt words, but Huo Zhu was careful and never said anything.Nevertheless, the Baron never made insinuations; there were two reasons for this. "If I told him," thought the Baron to himself, "that his fiancée was not immaculate, it would hurt his pride, and he would resent me, and besides, how would I know he wasn't really in love with her?"If I don't say anything, the fire of this straw will burn out soon, and I can control the relationship between the two according to my will. I want him to love his fiancée as much as he wants, and he will Will love to what extent.If I told him about the mistakes his fiancée made before, who is sure that my Xiali would not still be deeply in love with her, but would become jealous of me instead?And so, through my own loss, I turned a flirtation that could have been kept in my hands into a real love that I couldn't control. "For these two reasons, Mr. de Charlus kept his mouth shut. On the surface, he seemed extremely cautious, but from another point of view, this is indeed very commendable, because people of his type , It is very rare to be able to keep silent.

What's more, the young girl is indeed very cute, no matter how she satisfies Mr. de Charlus's aesthetic taste for women, even if she gives the Baron a hundred pictures of her, he will not be too many of.M. de Charlus, who was not so stupid as Morel, was pleased to hear that some ladies of high standing, whom he could smell with his social sense, had invited the girl.But here, too, he kept silent to Morel (in order to maintain absolute control), and Morel, who was a fool for such a thing, still firmly believed that nothing but the "fiddle world" and Weir In the Dylan mansion, there are only those few royal mansions mentioned by the Gelmont mansion and the baron, and all other people are just "scum" and "rascals".Charlie is using M. de Charlus word for word.

Mr. de Charlus, who made so many ambassadors and duchesses look forward to it all year round but refused to honor him, asked Prince de Croix to walk in front of him for others, and walked away on the spot and refused to eat at the same table with the prince. De Charlus, to spend all his time avoiding these famous ladies with a tailor's niece!The first reason, before anything else, was that Morel was there.Probably only a waiter in a hotel would think that a wealthy man must wear bright new clothes every day, and a suave gentleman will naturally invite sixty guests to the table, and he must travel by car when entering and leaving.They were wrong.A common situation is that the rich man wears a frayed old jacket all year round, and the suave gentleman only chats with the shop assistants in the restaurant, and plays cards with his valet when he returns home.that's it.He could still refuse to sit behind Prince Murat.

One of the reasons M. de Charlus liked this marriage of the two young men was that in this way Jupien's niece would become Morel himself, and thus at the same time the Baron's power and authority over him. understanding.an extension in a sense.To "deceive" (in the conjugal sense) the violinist's future wife, M. de Charlus never thought about it, and therefore he never felt any qualms about it.But, having a "young couple" to guide, feeling herself to be Morel's wife (she will adore the Baron, thus proving that dear Morel had instilled it in her, she too would therefore contain something of Morel) revered, awe-inspiring, omnipotent patron saint, but brought a new twist to M. de Charlus's way of ruling, from his "little" Morel Another existence has been derived, a spouse, which means that there is another new and interesting little thing for him to love.That dominance, perhaps even now, is stronger than ever.For when Morel was alone, or naked, he would have contradicted the Baron when he was sure that things would not end badly, but once he was married and had a family. Now, with the house and the plan of a young couple, he will no longer dare to act like that, and Mr. de Charlus can hold him in his hands more conveniently and more securely.All this, plus, if necessary, that is to say, on any evening when he felt bored, he could also provoke the couple to have a quarrel (the baron never tires of fighting quarrels), and de Charlus Mr. Si felt flattered.But these are nothing compared to the satisfaction the young couple feel when they think of their dependence on him.De Charlus's affection for Morel took on an indescribable newness whenever he turned to the following thought: "Not only does he belong to me, but his wife also belongs to me; It's all about not making me angry, and no matter how much I throw a temper tantrum, they will still obey, so this is a fact that I have almost forgotten but is so precious to me (today I unnoticed) sign that Morrel is mine to the world, to everyone who will see me give them both protection and a house, and to myself." M. de Charlus couldn't be happier to have such a clear proof, both in the eyes of others and in his own eyes.For the possession of the object of one's affection is a more intense pleasure than the affection for it.Often those who fear the knowledge of such possession do so only because they fear losing that precious object.And they're fun.It is also made a lot less by this silent prudence. The reader may recall that Morel had told the Baron of his wishful thinking, that his idea was to first seduce a girl, especially this present one, and to marry her, perhaps, in order to obtain it; When it comes to the girl's advantage, she will "escape the golden cicada's shell" and run away.But M. de Charlus had long since forgotten these words, when Morel came to tell him how he was courting Jupien's niece.Besides, Morrel himself did not necessarily remember.Morel's disposition--as he had the audacity to admit, and perhaps shrewdly exaggerated--was a long way from when he was really swayed by it.After getting in touch with that girl a lot, he felt that he liked her and fell in love with her, but because he really lacked self-knowledge, he thought that maybe he had always loved her this way.Of course, those original ideas, that evil plan, have not disappeared since then, but a heavy web of emotions has been woven and overlapped, and it is tightly covered. Therefore, if the fiddler claims That evil thought is not the real motive of his actions, so no one can say that he is insincere.Besides, there was a brief period when, although he refused to admit it explicitly even to himself, it seemed to him that the marriage seemed very necessary to him.During that period, Morell's hand often had cramps, and he felt that he had faced the possible choice of giving up playing the violin.And he was so inconceivably lazy, apart from his music, that he felt the need for someone else to take care of him; and he would rather have Jupien's niece undertake this duty than M. de Charlus, because His union with her would give him more freedom, and would provide the opportunity to choose from a wide variety of women, from whom he could have Jupien's niece to woo him. Changing new tailor's apprentices so often that he could seduce her into those pretty ladies with whom he had sex.As for whether his future wife would be so perverse and unreasonable as to refuse to accept his kindness, he never thought about it.Besides, now that the cramp had stopped, these calculations now gave way to pure love.With his violin and the salary that M. de Charlus gave, it was enough, and once he, Morel, married the girl, this M. de Charlus would naturally I can't push my feet any longer.This marriage is urgent - for love, but also for freedom.He went to Jupien to ask his niece to marry him, and the uncle to ask her advice.In fact, this is purely redundant.The girl's whole body was filled with love for the violinist, the hair that fell on her shoulders, and the eyes that looked at her with joy, all revealed the same message.As for Morrel, almost everything that pleased and benefited him aroused his inner passions, elicited genuine words from him, and sometimes even brought tears to his eyes.So, in spite of all the sentimental words he kept uttering to Jupien's niece (with the same sentimental tone that many idle dandies use when they are chasing after the lovely daughter of a bourgeois rich man), their intensity was It can be compared with the indecent vulgarity when he boldly stated his plan to seduce and possess the girl in front of M. de Charlus, but after all these words were sincere-if the word was used for him.Only this moral passion for a woman whom he liked, and the solemn engagement between him and her, had their opposites coexisting in Morrel.As soon as this woman ceased to please him, or even to the point where, say, the constraints of the engagement displeased him, she would at once become a seemingly well-founded dislike to Morel. The subject, after a moment of neurotic restlessness, this disgust enables him to confirm to himself, as soon as his nervous system is sound, that he is not bound by anything even when considering matters from a purely moral point of view. Before he left Balbec, he somehow lost all the money around him, but he didn't dare to tell M. de Charlus, so he wanted to find someone to borrow some money.His father once taught him (but the father also warned his son not to be a "parasite"). There is a way to encounter this situation, that is, write a letter to someone you want to say that you "have something to discuss with him." "Mr., ask him to "make an appointment for an interview."This little trick fascinated Morel, and I'm sure he'd be willing to drop his money just for the fun of asking someone for an "interview."But later, he saw that this trick was not as effective as he had imagined.He found that the gentlemen whom he had been waiting for for a long time did not reply within five minutes after receiving his letter of "consultation".If Morrel waited all afternoon for no answer, he tried to think of reasons like this, or the gentleman he was looking for had not come home, or there might be some other letter to write first, or It’s just going away or getting sick, and so on, etc. Anyway, I just keep thinking about the best, and if I get a reply letter asking him to meet the next morning, he will always have these opening remarks: “I’m here I thought, why didn't I hear from you, I wondered if something happened; well, it seems that you are in good health?" and so on.So at Balbec, he didn't even tell me that he wanted to "consult something" and asked me to introduce him to this Bloch that he had so hated on the train a week ago.Bloch quite readily lent him—or rather had Monsieur Nisime Bernard lend him—five thousand francs.Since then, Morell has been full of praise for Bullock.With tears in his eyes, he asked himself how he could repay such a lifesaver.Afterwards, on behalf of Morel, I asked de Charlus for a thousand francs every month, and asked Morel to return it to Bloch as soon as he got it, so that Bloch felt that he would pay back the money quickly.During the first month, Morrel was still obsessed with the benefits of Bloch, and returned the thousand francs without saying a word.But afterward he must have felt that the remaining four thousand francs would be more agreeable if he had put them to good use, for he began to say that Bloch was neither good nor bad.He felt uncomfortable seeing Bullock.And Bloch, having forgotten the exact amount of money he had lent to Morel, asked him for three thousand five hundred francs instead of four thousand, so that the fiddler would have made a net profit of five hundred francs, but he He replied that, instead of paying a penny for such a nonsense loan, the creditor should congratulate him because he, Morrel, did not sue him.As he said this, his eyes shone brightly.He first said that Mr. Brock and Mr. Nissim Bernard had nothing to blame him for, but after a while he felt that it was not enough, so he simply said that he did not blame them because he made them cheap.It turned out that Mr. Nissim Bernard had publicly stated that the tibora was no worse than Morel, and Morrel thought he would have to sue the court for this remark that damaged his professional honor. Later, because in France, especially in terms of anti-Jews, justice has disappeared, (he borrowed 5,000 francs from an Israeli, which is the natural expression of his anti-Semitic consciousness), he always wants to go out. A loaded pistol is a must. In Morrel's treatment of the tailor's niece, the tenderness was followed by the same nervous reaction.It is true that M. de Charlus may have had some influence unconsciously on this change of attitude, for he often said that as soon as Morel and the others were married, he would not Just take care of them and let them fly on their own wings. He was actually teasing them when he said that, and it was out of nowhere.That alone, of course, was not enough to tear Morel away from the young girl, but once it had taken root in Morel's mind, it would someday be like thoughts about her. Mixed together, in the end, it is enough to be a powerful catalyst for the breakdown of the relationship. However, I did not meet M. de Charlus and Morel very often in those days.By the time I left the Duchess, they would have gone to Jupien's shop long ago, because the conversation with the Duchess was so interesting to me that I forgot not only the anxiety I had been waiting for Albertine to come home, And he forgot when she came home. During these late stays at Madame de Guermantes' house, there was a little incident one day, which I completely ignored at the time, and did not realize its painful significance until much later. meaning.This afternoon, Mrs. de Guermantes gave me a bouquet of mountain plums brought from the south, because she knew I liked this kind of flowers.When I came up from the Duchess's, Albertine had already arrived; on the stairs I met André, who seemed to be disturbed by the rich aroma of the bouquet in my hand. Uncomfortable. "Why, are you going back now?" I said to her. "Just going away, Albertine sent me to write a letter." "You don't think there is anything wrong with her?" "No, I think she is writing to her aunt. But she is If you don't like too strong a scent, she won't like your mountain plums." "Oh, I did a stupid thing! I'll let Françoise take it and put it in the rear escalator later. "Do you think that Albertine will not smell the plum blossoms in you?Apart from tuberose, this is the most dizzying scent.Besides, I knew that Françoise seemed to be out shopping. "" I don't have a key with me today, how can I get in here? "Oh, just ring the bell, and Albertine will open the door for you."Besides, Françoise would probably be back by now. " I said goodbye to Andrey and went upstairs.As soon as the bell rang for the first time, Albertine came running to open the door for me, but she had some difficulty, because Françoise was not at home and she did not know where the light switch was.I managed to get in, but the smell of the plum blossoms scared her away again.I put the flowers in the kitchen, so that my lady friend put the letter down (I don't know why) and just had time to run into my room and call me from there, and lay down on my bed.Up to this moment, I still don't notice it, and I think it's all natural, or at most just a little awkward, but that's nothing. -------- ① She almost let me see her with Andre on the spot, but she had a little time to turn off the lights and run to my room, lest I see her messy on the bed and pretending to be writing like a letter.But I didn't think so until later, and I still can't figure out whether all of this is true or not. ——Original note Except for this episode, every time I came back from the Duchess's and Albertine had arrived first, everything was normal; since Albertine had no way of knowing whether I was going to take her out after dinner, I always Saw her put her hat, coat, and parasol in the hall for emergencies.I saw them as soon as I entered the door, and suddenly a family atmosphere came over my face.I don't feel that the oxygen supply in this room is insufficient, but that it is full of happiness.Freed from my melancholy, looking at these insignificant objects, I felt that Albertine belonged to me, and I ran towards her. On some days when I did not go downstairs to Madame de Gelmont's, in order to pass the time before Albertine came home, I would casually look through Elstir's picture album, Bergotte's book, or Van der Yi's sonata score.And then—since works of art that seem to appeal only to sight and sound actually require that our aroused mental activities must be closely coordinated with those two sensory sensations in our appreciation—I can't help recalling that knowing Alberti The beautiful dreams she had aroused in me in the past, these dreams have been worn away by the daily life afterwards.I add these dreams to the phrases and pictures like a crucible, and use them to moisten the book I am reading.Naturally, I felt the book became more alive.但阿尔贝蒂娜因此也获益不浅，她从容地往来于我们能够通往、能够将同一对象依次置放其间的那两个世界之间，摆脱了物质的重负，在思维的流动空间中遨游嬉戏。刹那间我陡然感到，我是能够体验对这位令人乏味的姑娘的炽烈感情的。这时候的她，似乎就是埃尔斯蒂尔或贝戈特的一首作品，想象和艺术使我对她看得更真切，使我对她产生了一种瞬息间的激情。 过了不一会儿，仆人来通报，说她刚回来，我吩咐过，当我不是独自一人，比如说当我跟布洛克在一起，并且硬要留他再待一会儿，免得让他碰上我那位女友的时候、谁也不许提到她的名字。因为我没告诉任何朋友她住在这儿，就连我在家里见过她这一点，都是讳莫如深的，我生怕我的哪个朋友会迷恋上她，会在外面等她，要不就是她会趁在过道或前厅碰到他的机会，对他做手势，定约会时间，随后，我听见阿尔贝蒂娜的裙子窸窸窣窣地响着，朝她的房间而去，她一则是出于谨慎，二则大概是出于跟以前在拉斯普利埃饭店吃饭时同样的考虑，所以知道我有朋友在场时从不上我的房间去，以免引起我的猜忌。但我突然间意识到，原因还不止于此。我在记忆中追寻着：我当初认识的是第一个阿尔贝蒂娜，后来骤然间她变成了另一个阿尔贝蒂娜，现在的这个阿尔贝蒂娜。这个变化，只能由我自己来承担责任。当我俩只是好朋友的那会儿，她对我起初是口没遮拦，想到随口就说，后来也是好多事都愿意告诉我的，但自从她认为我爱上了她，或者也没想到爱这个字眼，而只是猜到了我身上有一种什么事都得知道（知道了又感到痛苦不堪）、什么事都得刨根问底的叫人难以忍受的脾性以后，话匣子就关上了。从那时起她就样样事情瞒着我。只要她以为我有朋友在，其实那常常并不是女朋友，而是男朋友，她就会过我房门而不入；而在以前，当我说起哪个姑娘时，她的眼睛就会发亮：“您一定得让她来呀，我挺想见见她。”“可她，照您的说法是风度欠佳的呢。” “对，那才更有趣嘛。”那时候，她或许还是会对我说实话的。即使她在小游乐场从安德烈怀里挣出身子的那回，我想她也并不是因为有我在场，而是因为戈达尔在场，她大概以为这位大夫会张扬出去有损她的脸面。但就在那时候，她已经开始跟我保持一种距离了，从她嘴里听不见要心的悄悄话了，她的一举一动也变得矜持起来。在这以后，凡是有可能引起我感情波动的话或事，她都避免去说去做。关于她生活中那段我不了解的经历，她只让我留下一个清白无邪的印象，由于我的一无所知，就更加深了这种印象，而现在，转变已经完成，我不是单独呆着时，她就径直上自己房间去，这不仅仅是为了不打扰我，而且也是为了向我表明，她对谁跟我在一起根本不感兴趣。有一件事，她是再也不会做了，那就是无所保留地把实情都告诉我，除非将来有一天我也许对它无动于衷了，她才会再这么做，而且那时候她光为这点理由就会毫不犹豫地去做。从此以后，我就象个法官一样，只能靠她无意中漏出的片言只语而妄自定案了，这些片言只语，倘若不是我欲加之罪，其实也未必是不能自圆其说的。而阿尔贝蒂娜，也总觉着我又忌妒又好当法官。 我俩的婚约无异于一堂庭审，使她象罪人一般感到羞愧。现在，每当谈话涉及某人，不论是男是女，只要不是老人，她就会把话题岔开。我真该在她还没疑心我对她妒心有这么重的时候，就把想知道的事都盘问出来才是。真可惜错过了那机会，当时，咱们这位朋友不止肯对我说她怎么寻欢作乐，而且把她怎么瞒过别人的办法也都告诉了我。现在她不肯再象在巴尔贝克那会儿一样地对我无话不说了，当时她那么做，一半是出自无心，一半也是为了没能对我表现得更亲热些向我表示歉意，因为我那时已经使她感到有点厌倦了，她从我对她的殷勤态度中看出，她对我不必象对别人那样亲热，就能得到比别人更多的回报，——现在她不会再象当时那样对我说这种话了：“我觉得让人看出你爱谁，是最蠢的了，我跟人家不一样：我喜欢谁，就做出根本不去注意他的样子。这一来就把旁人都蒙在了鼓里。”怎么！对我说过这话的，难道就是今天的这个阿尔贝蒂娜，这个自命坦率，自以为对一切都漠然处之的阿尔贝蒂娜吗！现在她是绝口不跟我提她的这一招了！只是在和我说话提到某个可能惹我生疑的人时，她会略施一下故伎：“哎！我可不知道，这么个不起眼的脚色，我都没瞧过他。”有时候，打量有些事我可能会听说，就抢在头里先把话告诉我，不过光凭她那声气，不用等我真弄明白她在搪塞、辩解的这事实情究竟如何，我就已经觉出那全是谎话了。 我侧耳听着阿尔贝蒂娜的脚步声，颇为欣慰地暗自思忖她今晚上不会再出去了，想到这位从前我以为无缘相识的姑娘，如今说她每天回家，其实说的就是回我的家，我觉着真是妙不可言。她在巴尔贝克跑来睡在旅馆里的那晚上，我曾经匆匆领略过的那种神秘和肉感夹杂参半的乐趣，变得完整而稳定了，我这向来空落落的住所如今经常充盈着一种家庭生活及至夫妻生活的甜美气氛，连走廊也变得熠熠生辉，我所有的感官，有时是确确实实地，有时，当我独自一人等她回来时，则是在想象中静静地尽情享受着这种甜美的气氛。听到阿尔贝蒂娜走进房间关门的声音，如果我还有客人，就赶紧打发他走，直到确信他已经下了楼才放心，有时我甚至宁可亲自陪他走下几级楼梯。 在过道里我迎面碰见阿尔贝蒂娜。“喔，趁我去换衣服的这会儿，我让安德烈上您屋里去，她是特地上来跟您说声晚上好的。”说着，连我在巴尔贝克送她的那顶栗鼠皮帽上挂下来的灰色大面纱都没撩起，她就抽身回自己房里去了，仿佛她是寻思着安德烈，这位我派去监视她的朋友，准要把一天的情况原原本本向我报告，把她俩怎么碰到一个熟人的前前后后的经过都告诉我，好让我对她们今儿一整天外出散步的行程中那些我因无从想象而存疑的片段有所了解。 安德烈的缺点渐渐暴露出来，她不再象我刚认识她时那样可爱了。现在她身上有一股显而易见的酸涩的味儿，而且只要我说了句使阿尔贝蒂娜和我自己感到开心的话，这股涩味儿立时就会凝聚起来，犹如海面上的雾气凝聚成暴雨一般。即便如此，她对我的态度却越发来得亲热，越发显得多情——我随时可以举出佐证——而且比起任何一个没有这股涩味的朋友来都是有过之无不及的。但是，只消我稍有半点高兴的样子，而这种情绪又不是她引起的，她就会感到一种神经上的不舒服，就象是听见有人砰地一声把门关得很重似的。她可以允许我难受，只要那不是她的干系，但容不得我高兴；如果看见我病了，她会感到忧伤，会怜悯我，会照料我。但如果我有些许满意的表示，比如说当我刚放下一本书，带着心满意足的神气伸着懒腰说：“嗨！这两个钟头的书看得可真带劲。真是本好书！”这句话要让我母亲，阿尔贝蒂娜或者圣卢听见，他们都会觉得高兴的，可安德烈听了就会觉着反感，或者干脆说会觉着神经上的不舒服。我的称心如意会使她感到一种无法掩饰的愠恼。她的缺点还有更严重的：有一天我提起在巴尔贝克跟安德烈的那帮女友一起碰到过的那个年轻人，他对赛马、赌博、玩高尔夫球样样在行，而除此以外却一窍不通，安德烈听着听着冷笑起来：“您知道，他的老子偷过东西，差点儿给送上法庭判刑。他们现在牛皮愈吹愈凶了，可我倒想把事情全都张扬出去。我巴不得他们来告我诬告罪。我要出庭作证揭揭他的底！”她的眼睛炯炯发光。然而，我知道那人的父亲并没做过什么见不得人的事，安德烈也跟别人一样清楚地知道这一点。可是她自以为受了做儿子的冷落，就想找个岔儿叫他难堪，让他出丑，于是编出了这通臆想中的出庭作证的鬼话，而且因为翻来覆去说得次数多了，也许连她自己都弄不清是真是假了。照说，按她现在这样子（且不说那种动辄记恨的疯劲儿），恶意的无端猜疑已经象一道冰冷扎手的箍儿箍住了她那热情可爱得多的本性，光凭这一层缘故，我就不会愿意去跟她见面的。但是关于我那位女友的种种消息，又只有她一人能向我提供，我实在心里放不下，不愿错过得悉这些消息的极其难得的机会。安德烈走进屋来，随手把门带上；她俩今天遇见过一位女友；而阿尔贝蒂娜从没对我说起过这女人。“她们说了些什么？”“我不知道，因为我趁阿尔贝蒂娜有人陪着的空儿去买毛线了。”“买毛线？”“没错，是阿尔贝蒂娜叫我去买的。”“那就更不该去了，她说不定正是想支开您呢。”“可她是在碰到那位朋友以前叫我买的呀。”“噢！”我总算松了口气。不一会儿工夫，疑团又冒了上来：“可是谁知道她是不是事先就跟那个女人约好，而且想好这个借口到时候来支开安德烈的呢？”再说，难道我能肯定先前的假设（安德烈对我说的都是真话）就一定是对的吗？安德烈没准也是跟阿尔贝蒂娜串通一气的呢。 爱情这东西，我在巴尔贝克那会儿常这么想，无非就是我们对某位一举一动都似乎会引起我们嫉妒的女士的感情。我总觉着，如果对方能把事情都对你和盘托出，讲个明白，也许是不费什么力就能把你的相思病给治好的。而受难的这一位，无论他怎样巧妙地想把心头的妒意瞒过别人，发难的那一位总会很快就一目了然，而且反过来玩得更巧妙。她故意把我们引向会遭遇不幸的歧路，这在她是轻而易举的，因为这一位本来就毫无提防，又怎么能从小小的一句话里听出其中包藏的弥天大谎来呢？我们根本听不出这句话跟别的话有什么不同：说的人悬着颗心，听的人却没在意。事过之后，当我们独自静思，回想起这句话的时候，会觉着这句话似乎跟事实不大对得上头。然而，到那时我们还记得清这句话到底是怎么说的吗？思绪转到这上头，而又牵涉到记忆的准确性的当日，脑子里往往会不由自主地冒出一种类似于记不清门有没有关好的疑窦，碰到有些神经过敏的场合，我们是会记不起有没有把门关好的，即便回头看过五十次了，照样还是这样。你甚至可以一而再、再而三地重复某个动作，却始终无法形成一个确切而洒脱的记忆。要说关门，至少我们还可以再去关第五十一次，可是那句叫人不放心的话，却已属于过去，听觉上存留的疑窦，并非我们自己所能消释的。于是，我们打起精神再去想她还说过些什么，结果又发觉那都是些无伤大雅的话；唯一的药方——可我们又不愿意服这帖药——就是什么都不去追究，打消弄个水落石出的念头。 嫉妒之情一旦被发现之后，作为其目标的那位女士就认为那是对她的不信任，因而她骗别人就是理所当然、顺理成章的事了。何况，当我们执意想知道一桩事情的时候，也是我们自己起的头去撒谎骗人的。安德烈和埃梅答应过我什么都不说的，结果怎么样呢？布洛克，他自然没什么好答应的，因为他什么也不知道；而阿尔贝蒂娜，她只要跟这三位中间任何一位聊会儿天，照圣卢的说法就是取得一点“旁证”，就会发现我说的不过问她的行动以及根本不可能让人去监视她云云，全是些谎话。于是，在我惯常的关于阿尔贝蒂娜的那种无休无止的疑虑——这些疑虑过于飘忽不定，所以并不使我真的感到痛苦，它们之于嫉妒犹如忘却之于忧伤，当一个人开始忘却时，无形之中就觉得好过些了——之后接踵而至的，就是从安德烈方才向我报告的某个片段中又冒出的那些新问题；跋涉于这片在我周围绵延伸展的广漠区域，我的所获只不过是把那不可知的东西推得更远些罢了，而对我们来说，当我力求要对那不可知的对象形成一个明确的概念时，我们会依稀感觉到那就是另一个人的真实生活。阿尔贝蒂娜一则出于谨慎，二则似乎是要让我有充裕的时间（她自己意识到这一点吗？）来了解情况，所以呆在自己房间里磨磨蹭蹭地换了好半天的衣服，我就趁这工夫继续询问安德烈。 “我想阿尔贝蒂娜的姨夫和姨妈都挺喜欢我，”我冒冒失失地对安德烈说了这么一句，忘了考虑她的性格。顿时只见她那凝脂似的脸蛋变了样，就象一瓶糖浆给搅过似的；满脸的阴云仿佛再也不会消散。嘴角也挂了下来。我初到巴尔贝克那年，她不顾自己的虚弱，也象那帮女友一样向我展示的那种神采飞扬的青春欢乐气息，现在（说实在的，安德烈从那以后也长了好几岁）居然那么迅速地从她身上消失，变得荡然无存了。但我在安德烈就要回家吃晚饭前无意间说的一句话，却又使它重现了光采。“今天有人在我面前一个劲儿地夸您呢，”我对她说。顿时她的目光变得神采奕奕、充满欢乐了，从她的神情可以看出她确实很爱我。她避开我的目光，睁大两只霎时间变得异常明亮的眼睛，笑容可掬地望着一个什么地方。“是谁？”她带着率真而急切的表情问道。我告诉了她这人的名字，不管这人是谁，她都感到欣喜万分。 到该回家吃晚饭的时候了，她跟我分了手。阿尔贝蒂娜走进我的屋里；她已经换好衣服，穿了一件漂亮的睡袍，关于这种中国双绉长裙或日本睡袍，我曾向德·盖尔芒特夫人咨询过，其中某些进一步的细节还承斯万夫人来信指点过，信是这么开头的：“睽违多时，顷接见询tea－gown①来信，大有恍如隔世之感。”阿尔贝蒂娜脚上穿一双饰有钻石的黑鞋子，这双被火冒三丈的弗朗索瓦丝斥之为木拖鞋的便鞋，就是阿尔贝蒂娜隔着窗户瞧见德·盖尔芒特夫人晚上在家穿的那种，稍过些时候，阿尔贝蒂娜又穿上了高跟拖鞋，有几双是山羊皮烫金面的，另几双是栗鼠皮面的，瞧着这些鞋子，我觉得心里暖乎乎的，因为它们是一种标帜（别的鞋子就并非如此了），表明她是住在我的家里。有些东西，比如说那只挺漂亮的金戒指不是我给她买的。我很欣赏那上面刻着的一头展开翅膀的鹰。“这是姨妈送我的，”她对我说，“不管怎么说，她有时候还是挺和气的。瞧着它我就觉得自己老了，因为这还是我二十岁那年她送的。” -------- ①英文：宽松女袍。 对所有这些华美的衣着，阿尔贝蒂娜具有一种远远胜过公爵夫人的强烈爱好，因为正如你想要拥有某件东西时所遇到的阻碍（在我就是这病，它让我没法出远门，可又那么渴望去旅行）一样，贫穷——它比富裕更慷概——会给予这些女人比她们无力买下的那件衣服更好的东西：那就是对这件衣服的向往，也即对它真切、详尽、深入的了解。阿尔贝蒂娜和我，她因为自己买不起这些衣服，我因为在订制这些衣服时想讨她喜欢，我俩就象两个渴望上德累斯顿或维也纳去亲眼看看博物馆里那些熟悉的名画的大学生。而那些置身于成堆的帽子和裙子中间的有钱的夫人们，她们就象事先并无任何兴趣的参观者，在博物馆转来转去只会使她们感到头晕目眩，又疲乏又无聊。对阿尔贝蒂娜和我来说，哪怕一顶帽子，一件貂皮大衣，一袭袖口有粉红翻边的浴衣，都会有某种分外重要的意义，某种非常吸引人的魅力，在阿尔贝蒂娜，是因为她一见这些东西，就一心一意想得到它们，而又由于这种向往会使人变得执拗和细心，所以她在想象中把它们置于一个更能显出衬里或腰带可爱之处的背景跟前的同时，早已对它们上上下下、里里外外全都了然于心——在我，则是因为曾经去德·盖尔芒特夫人家打听过这件衣裳为什么这么优雅，这么与众不同，这么卓然超群，而那位裁剪大师的独创性又体现在哪儿——这种意义和魅力，对于未吃先饱的公爵夫人来说是不存在的，即便对于我，倘若是在几年前我百无聊赖地陪着这位或那位风雅的女士出入于裁缝店的那会儿，情况也会跟公爵夫人一样的。 诚然，阿尔贝蒂娜渐渐成了一个风雅的女人。因为虽说我这么给她订制的每件衣服都是同类款式中最美的，而且都经过德·盖尔芒特夫人或斯万夫人的审定，但这样的衣服她也已经要多得穿不完了。不过这也没关系，既然她见一件爱一件，对它们没一件不喜欢的。当我们喜欢上了某个画家，而后又喜欢上了另一个画家，到头来我们就会对整个博物馆有一种好感，这种好感是由衷的，因为它是由连续不断的热情构成的，每次热情都有其具体的对象，但最后它们联结成了一个协调的整体。 但她并不是浅薄无聊的女人，独自一人时书看得很多，跟我在一起时也爱念书给我听。她变得非常聪明。她对我说（其实她没说对）：“每当我想到要不是您，我到现在还是个傻丫头的时候，我就感到后怕。您别说不字，是您让我看到了一个我连想都没想到过的世界，无论我将来会变成怎样的人，我知道我的一切都是您给的。” 我们知道，关于我对安德烈的影响，她也说过类似的话。难道阿尔贝蒂娜和安德烈，她俩都钟情于我吗？那么，她俩之间又是什么关系呢？为了把事情弄个明白，我得先让你俩不动，并且从对你俩永恒的期盼中超脱出来，因为你俩永远在这种期盼中变幻着形象；我得暂停对你们的爱恋，以便脱出身来看着你们，我得暂时不去理会你们那些没完没了的、行色总是那么仓皇的来访，哦，年轻的姑娘，哦，当我在令人眩晕的飞速旋转的光影中瞥见你们那变得几乎让我认不出来的倩影时，我的心是多么激动地砰砰直跳啊。倘若不是一种性感的诱惑在把我们引向你们，引向你们这些永远比我们的期望更美的、永远不会相同的金滴，我们也许根本不会领会到那些飞速旋转的光影，还会以为一切都是停滞不动的呢。一位年轻姑娘，我们每回看见她，总会发觉她跟上回见到时又大为变样了（我们保存在记忆中的印象，以及原先想要满足的欲望，在一见之下就都荡然无存了），以致我们平日所说的她性格稳定云云，都成了讲讲而已的汗漫之词。人家对我们说，某位漂亮的姑娘如何温柔、可爱，如何充满种种最细腻的感情。我们的想象接受了这些赞词，当我们第一次瞧见金黄色卷发中露出的那张玫瑰色的脸庞时，我们就在心里对自己说，这位让我们感到自渐形秽的玉洁冰清的少女，我们居然还想当她的情人，那岂不是痴心妄想。退一步说，即便跟她亲近了，我们又是怎样从一开始就对这颗高贵的心灵抱有无限的信任，和她一起编织过多少美妙的希望啊！可是没过几天，我们就为自己的轻信后悔了，因为这位玫瑰似的姑娘在第二次见面时，就象一个淫荡的厄里尼厄斯①那样满口脏话了。在延读几天的一个脉动过后，重又相继呈露在玫瑰色光线中的那些脸容，让你甚至都说不清，一种外界的movimentum②作用在这些姑娘身上，究竟有没有使她们改变模样，我在巴尔贝克的那帮姑娘，说不定也是这种情形呢。有人会在你面前吹嘘，一个处女是如何如何温柔，如何如何纯洁。可是说过以后他又觉着还是来点热辣辣的东西会让你更中意些，于是他就去劝她举止大胆泼辣些。至于她自己，心里是不是也想大胆些呢？也许并不，可是在令人眩晕的生活旋流中间，有成千上百个机会让她改变初衷。对于另一位魅力就在于冷峭（而我们指望要按自己的意思去改变这种态度）的姑娘，譬如说，对于巴尔贝克那位从吓得目噔口呆的与先生们头上一掠而过的可怕的跳高女将，当我们回味着她那冷峻的风致，对她说着些充满深情的话时，不料兀地听见这位姑娘神情腼腆地告诉我们说，她生性怕羞，见到生人不知该怎么说话，所以挺害怕的，还说她跟我们见面以后，过了两星期才能从从容容地和我们谈话，等等等等，听到这么一番话，我们有多扫兴啊！铁块变成了棉团，我们已经无坚可摧了，既然她自个儿先就软成这副模样。事情是在她自己身上，但兴许也跟我们的做法不当有关，因为我们在恭维她的强项时尽说些软绵绵的话，说不定正让她觉着——尽管她并不一定怎么意识到——自己也得软款些才是。（这种改变使我们感到遗憾，但也不能完全说是弄巧成拙，因为面对这般软款的态度，我们说不定会为自己居然能把一个铁女人调教得柔情如许而分外欣喜呢。） -------- ①希腊神话中复仇三女神的总称，她们眼中流血，头发由许多毒蛇盘结而成，一手执火炬，一手执由蝮蛇扭成的鞭子。 ②拉丁文：动量。 我并不是说不会有那么一天，到那时，即便对这些金光耀眼的少女，我们也能把她们的性格丁是丁卯是卯地说个明白，但这是因为那时候我们已经对她们不再钟情了，当见到她们出现在我们面前，跟我们的心所期待的形象很不相同的时候，我们的心不会再为这新的模样久久不能平静了。到那时，她们的模样将会固定下来，那是我们的一种诉诸理性判断的漠然态度的结果。然而，理性的判断亦未必更明确，因为在理性判定一个姑娘身上有某种缺点，而另一个姑娘身上很幸运地没有这种缺点之后，它又会发现与这个缺点同在的却是一个弥足珍贵的优点，于是，从这种所谓理智的判断（它仅在我们对她们不再感兴趣时才会出现），只能看到年轻姑娘性格上一些恒定的特征；当我们的那些女友，以我们的期望所具有的令人眩晕的速度，每天、每星期变看模样出现在我们面前，而我们没法让它们在旋流中停下来。把它们分类、排序的时候，那些天天见着，但每回见着都让我们惊异的脸容固然并没有告诉我们多少信息，而理智的判断也并不见得让我们知道得更多些。对于我们的感情而言，关于这一点我们已经说得够多，无须再絮叨了，在很多情况下，爱情就不过是一位姑娘（对这位姑娘，我们要不是因为有着这么种感情，也许早就觉得不甚忍受了）的脸蛋加上我们自己砰然的心跳，而且这种心跳总是跟无穷无尽的等待，跟这位小姐对我们爽约做“黄牛”联系在一起的。这些话，并不仅仅对那些在善变的姑娘面前想象力丰富的小伙子才适用。咱们的故事到这会儿，看来（不过我是过后才看出来的）絮比安的侄女已经对莫雷尔和德·夏吕斯先生改变了看法。先前，我的司机为了撺掇她跟莫雷尔相好，在她面前大吹法螺，把提琴师说成个绝顶温柔体贴的人儿，这些话她听着正中下怀。与此同时，莫雷尔不停地向她诉苦，说德·夏吕斯先生待他就象个混世魔王，她听了就认定这位先生心眼很坏，根本没料到从中有层情爱的缘故。况且，她自然也不能不注意到，每回她和莫雷尔碰头，总有德·夏吕斯先生专横地插进一脚。而且她还听见社交圈子里的女客们谈论过男爵暴戾的坏脾气，这就更坐实了他的罪名。但是，近来她的看法完全改变了。她发现莫雷尔身上有着（不过她并不因此而不爱他）居心叵测的坏心眼，而且不讲信义，但又每每有一种柔情，一种真实的感情，抵偿了这些坏处，而德·夏吕斯先生则有着一副不容怀疑的博大善良的胸怀，和她没有见到的那副铁石心肠并存在他身上。于是，她对提琴师以及对自己的保护人的判断，就不见得比我对我毕竟天天见到的安德烈以及对与我共同生活的阿尔贝蒂娜的判断更明确了。