Chapter 66 Part Two (2)

One night, when Christophe was improvising on the piano, Ana got up and went out, which was what she often did when Christophe played the piano.As if she hated music.Christophe had long since paid no attention to this, nor cared what she thought.He continued to play; then it suddenly occurred to him to write down what he played, and he ran into the room to get paper.He opened the door of the compartment, lowered his head and looked straight into the dark, but unexpectedly bumped into a stiff body at the door.It turned out to be Ana... Such an unexpected bump made her cry out in fright.Christophe was afraid that she would hurt her, so he held her hands affectionately.His hands were cold, and he seemed to be shaking—probably frightened?

"I'm looking for..." she stammered in the dining room. He didn't hear her say what she was looking for, maybe she didn't say it at all.He just thought it was strange that she was looking for something in the dark.But he was used to Ana's weird behavior, so he didn't care. An hour later, he went back to the small living room and sat with the Blooms, leaning over the table under the lamp to write music.Ana is leaning on the right, sewing at the other end of the table.Behind them, Brom sat reading a magazine in a low chair by the fireplace.None of the three spoke.The pattering raindrops hit the sand in the garden intermittently.Christophe had turned most of his body on one side, but then, in order to be completely alone, he turned his back to Anna.A mirror hung on the wall in front of him, reflecting the table, lamp, and two faces working hard.Christophe seemed to feel that Anna was looking at him. At first he didn't care, but then he kept thinking about it, so he raised his eyes and looked in the mirror... Sure enough, Anna was looking at him, and he was stunned by that look. I can't help but hold my breath and look at her carefully.She didn't know he was looking at her in the mirror.The light reflected her pale face, and the customary sternness and silence showed that there was a violent spirit smoldering in her heart.Her eyes—unfamiliar eyes that he never had a chance to see clearly—fixed on him: huge dark blue pupils, stern and burning eyes, quietly searching his heart with a tenacious passion .Could it be her eyes?He saw it, but didn't believe it.Did he really see it?He turned around suddenly... Her eyes dropped.He accosted her, trying to force her to look him in the face.But she replied calmly, working with her head down all the time, without raising her eyes, you can only see eyelids surrounded by black circles, and short and tight eyelashes.If Christophe had not been clear and sure, he would have thought it was an illusion again.But he did know he saw it...

Then he concentrated on his work again. Since he was not interested in Ana, he didn't think too much about this strange impression. After a week, he tried a new song on the piano.Partly as a husband, partly as a joke, Brom always liked to ask his wife to play the piano or sing, and this evening's request was particularly earnest.Usually, Ana only said one categorical sentence; in the future, no matter what people asked, begged, teased, she would never bother to answer, she bit her lip, and just pretended not to hear.But that night, to the surprise of Brom and Christophe, she actually put away her work, stood up and walked to the piano.It was a song she had never even seen before, and she sang it herself, and the result was nothing short of a miracle.Her voice was calm, not at all like the hoarse, covered with an accent when she spoke.From the very beginning, she sang on the right note, without panic or effort, and the music was very bold, pure, and moving; Excited, felt that she sang his heart.She sang, and he stared at her frozen; now for the first time he saw her clearly.There is a wildness in the gloomy eyes, a big enthusiastic mouth, lips with beautiful edges, a sensual smile that is not charming, but a bit murderous, showing a pair of white and fine teeth; a beautiful and strong hand rests on the violin On the music stand; a strong physique is tightly bound by narrow clothes, worn thin by an overly simple life, but at a glance, he is young, full of energy, and his lines are very harmonious.

When she had finished, she sat back and sat with her hands on her knees.Brom complimented her a few words, but felt that she did not sing softly enough.Christophe said nothing, but looked at her.She smiled blankly, knowing he was looking at her.Nothing was said between them that night.She knew that she had just reached a level she had never had before, or that she had become her "self" for the first time, but she didn't understand what was going on. From that day on, Christophe paid close attention to Anna.She returned to her silent, indifferent and numb attitude, and just worked without thinking, which made her husband angry. In fact, she used her work to suppress the turbulent nature and prevent those ambiguous thoughts from rising.Christophe looked around, only to see that she was the same bourgeois with stiff movements as before.Sometimes she would just stare blankly and do nothing.You noticed her like this just now, and it's still like that after a quarter of an hour, and she hasn't moved at all.When her husband asked her what she was thinking, she woke up with a start, smiled, and replied that she didn't think anything.And it's true.

No matter what happened to her, she was calm and composed.One day while she was doing her makeup, the alcohol lamp blew out.In an instant, Ana was surrounded by flames.The maid fled while calling for help.Brom panicked, scrambled, yelled, and terrified.Ana tore off the buckle on the dressing gown, tore off the burning underwear from her waist, and stepped on it.When Christophe ran over in a panic grabbing a water bottle, Ana stood on a chair with only her underwear left, her arms bare, and calmly put out the flames on the curtains.She was burnt, but she didn't say a word, she just felt annoyed to be seen in this costume.She blushed, covered her shoulders clumsily with her hands, and walked into the next room angrily because of her lack of dignity.Christophe admired her composure, but could not tell whether this composure indicated her courage or her insensitivity.He thought it was probably the latter.In fact, she doesn't care about anything, it's the same for others and herself.Christophe even suspected that she had no heart.

When he saw another thing, he decided her without a doubt.Ana has a little black dog with smart eyes and gentle eyes, and the whole family loves it very much.When Christophe closed the door to work, he often held it in the house, left work, and played with it.He was going out, and it was waiting at the door, pinned to him: it needed a walking companion.It galloped desperately in front of it, stopped from time to time, expressed its pride in its agility, looked at him with its eyes, and puffed out its chest, with a dignified air.It would bark wildly at a piece of wood, but when it saw other dogs from a distance, it slipped back and hid between Christophe's legs and trembled.Christophe laughed at it and hurt it.After he stopped interacting with the world, he got closer to animals and felt sorry for them.As long as these beasts get some kindness from you, they will trust you so much!Their lives are entirely in the hands of men, and it is an abuse of authority, and a terrible crime, to abuse these weaklings who confide in you.

Although the cute little black dog is very close to everyone, he still likes Ana the most.She doesn't particularly pet it, but is happy to pet it, let it squat on her lap, and take care of its food, and seems to like it as much as she can.One day, the little black dog was knocked down by a car on the street almost in front of its owners.It's still alive and screaming terribly.Brom ran out with his head bare, and came back with his arms around the mangled thing, trying to at least ease its pain.Ana came over to take a look, but without bending down to take a closer look, she walked away in disgust.Brom was in tears as he watched the little creature suffer the agony of dying.Christophe was walking in the garden with fists clenched, and when he heard Anna ordering the servants to work as if nothing had happened, he asked her:

"Don't you feel sad?" "Then what can be done?" she replied. "It's better not to think about it." He hated Ana at first, but then remembered that funny answer, and couldn't help laughing, secretly thinking that Ana could teach him the secret of how not to think of sad things.Isn't life easy for those who are fortunate enough to have no heart?He thought that Anna would not be very sad if Brom died, so he felt lucky that he was not married.It is less painful to be alone than to spend your life with someone who hates you, or (even worse) treats you as nothing.Indeed, the woman loved no one.The strict sect had dried her heart.

Towards the end of October, something happened to her that surprised Christophe. ——Everyone was eating, and Christophe and Braun were talking about a love murder that caused a sensation in the city.Two Italian sisters in the country love a man.Because both of them were unwilling to sacrifice, they used the method of drawing lots to decide which one to retreat, and the so-called concession was automatically thrown into the Rhine.When the lot was drawn, the unlucky one was less than willing to accept the decision.The other was outraged at this disrespectful behavior.The two first cursed, then used force, and finally drew their swords at each other; then, suddenly the wind changed, and the two sisters cried and hugged each other, swearing that they were together; but they couldn't take a step back to share a lover, so they decided to Kill the lover.And so it happened.One night, two girls called the man who thought he was very lucky into their room; one hugged him warmly, and the other stabbed him in the back with a knife.Hearing the cries, he was rushed to snatch him from the arms of the two lovers, already badly wounded; at the same time they were arrested.They argued that no one could control this matter, only the two of them were involved, and as long as they agreed to put their own people to death, no one had the right to interfere.The wounded man more or less agreed; but the law didn't understand, and neither did Brom.

"They are madmen," he said, "should be sent to a madhouse and locked up!... I know a man who commits suicide for love, and a man who is deceived by his lover and kills his lover... I do not forgive him, but I admit there is such a thing; it's intermittent animalism, and it's savage, but it makes sense: a man kills another because he suffers from that. But to kill a man you love, No resentment, no hatred, but for the sake of others loving him, what is that not madness? . . . Can you understand this, Christophe?" "Hmph!" said Christophe, "how can I understand! Love is irrational."

Ana kept silent, as if she didn't listen, but then she raised her head and said in a very quiet voice: "It's definitely not irrational, but it's quite natural. When a person loves, he wants to destroy the person he loves, so that everyone It cannot be invaded." Brom looked at his wife, knocked on the table, folded his arms and called out: "Where did you hear that? ... What! Do you want to express your opinion? What do you know?" Ana blushed slightly, and remained silent.Brahm went on to say: "When a person loves, he will be destroyed?... Isn't this kind of nonsense appalling? To destroy the person you love is to destroy yourself... On the contrary, when a person loves According to the law, you repay kindness with kindness, you love him, protect him, be kind to him, and be kind to everything! Love is the heaven of this world.” Ana stared into the dark, listened to him, shook her head, and replied coldly: "When a person loves, he is not merciful." Christophe didn't want to hear Anna sing any more.He was afraid...he couldn't say whether he was afraid of disappointment or something else.Ana was just as scared.As soon as he started playing, she avoided the living room. But one evening in November, as he was reading by the fire, he saw Anna sitting with her work on her lap, lost in thought again.She looked blankly at the space, and Christophe felt that there was a special passion in her eyes like that night.He closed the book.She also felt that Christophe was paying attention to her, so she re-sewed things, but although she lowered her eyelids, she could see everything clearly.He stood up and said, "Come here." Her eyes were not completely stable, she glared at him, understood, got up and followed him. "Where are you going?" Brom asked. "Go and play," Christophe answered. He plays.she sings.Immediately he discovered her first such feelings.She suddenly reached the majestic state, as if it was her inherent world.He continued to experiment, playing a second piece, and then a third, more impassioned piece, unleashing all the boundless enthusiasm in her chest, making her more and more excited, and he himself excited; At that moment, he stopped suddenly, pinned her eyes, and asked, "Who are you?" "I don't know." Ana replied. He said very bluntly, "What is in your heart that can make you sing like this?" "I only have what you sing to me." "Really? I haven't misplaced my things, then. I wonder a little whether I made them or you. Do you really think so about things?" "I don't know. I thought I wasn't myself when I sang." "But I thought it was the real you." They stopped talking.Her face was slightly sweating, her chest was heaving, her eyes were burning with fire, and she absently peeled off the melted wax on the candlestick with her fingers.While looking at her, he casually pressed the keys.They said a few awkward words to each other in a blunt tone, and then exchanged some clichés, and then everyone was silent, not daring to probe further... The next day, they seldom spoke, and were a little scared in their hearts, not daring to look at each other directly.But it has become a habit to play the piano and sing together at night.Soon there was music even in the afternoon, and the time was extended every day.As soon as she heard the first few chords, she was seized by an uncanny enthusiasm that burned her from head to toe.As long as the music lasted, the stern Protestant was a fiery Venus, expressing all the frantic elements of his heart. ① -------- ①The ancient Latin nation regarded the goddess Venus as the god of love. It was a little strange for Brom to see that Ana was obsessed with singing, but he didn't want to find out the reason for the temptation of women.He participated in these small concerts, shaking his head and beating the beat, expressing some opinions from time to time, and felt very happy, but in his heart he preferred softer music, thinking that it was too much to consume so much energy.Christophe felt a little dangerous, but his mind was wandering, his spirits were weak after the latest pain, and he could not resist.He didn't know what was in his heart, and he didn't want to know what was in Ana's heart.One afternoon, in the middle of a song, she suddenly stopped and left the living room without saying a word.Christophe waited for her, but she never came back.Half an hour later, he walked past Ana's bedroom in the corridor, and saw her at the end of the room through the half-open door, praying with a cold face. Yet there was also a little, a little bit of trust between them.He asked her to talk about the history of the past, but she only gave a few general answers; it took a lot of effort for him to extract some details piecemeal.Because Brom was very honest and spoke very casually, Christophe actually knew the secret of her life. She is a local, her name is Sanfo, her name is Ana-Maria, and her father's name is Martin Sanfo.It was an old family that had been doing business for generations. He had been a millionaire for hundreds of years, and his class pride and strict teaching were deeply rooted in his family.With an adventurous spirit, Martin, like many fellow countrymen, has lived in distant places for several years. He has been to the Near East, South America, and central Asia, both for his own business and for his interest in science.After traveling the world, instead of making a fortune, he lost his body and all his old prejudices.When he returned to his hometown, with his fiery temper and stubborn temper, he disregarded the bitter opposition of his family and married a peasant's daughter—whose reputation was not very good. She first became his mistress and then married him.Apart from getting married, he couldn't keep this beautiful girl he couldn't give up.Since the family objected and did not take effect, they unanimously shut him out.All the respectable people in the city acted in unison when they encountered matters related to etiquette, and of course expressed their attitude towards these two men and women who didn't know the importance.Adventurers have suffered this great loss, and then they understand that to resist social prejudices is no less dangerous in a Christian country than in a Lama country.He is not strong enough in character to be indifferent to the public opinion of society.In terms of economy, he not only squandered all his property, but also couldn't find a job, and shut him up everywhere.The humiliation given to him by the ruthless society made him full of anger and exhausted his energy.His health, under the influence of excess and irascibility, could not sustain it any longer.Five months after the wedding, he suffered a stroke and died.His wife had a good heart, but she was weak and thoughtless, and she cried every day after marriage. Four months after her husband passed away, she gave birth to little Ana and died in the puerperium. Martin's mother is still alive.She would not forgive anything, not even after the client died, neither her son nor the daughter-in-law she did not want to admit.But after the death of the daughter-in-law——at last part of the evil of wrath and hatred was eliminated——she took the child back to raise him.Martin's old lady is a very religious and narrow-minded woman, rich but stingy, who runs a silk shop on a dark street in the ancient city.She does not regard her son's daughter as a granddaughter, but as an orphan adopted for charity, so the child should repay her like a slave.All the same, she had given her a good education, but always with a severe and suspicious attitude, as if thinking that the child was the product of her parents' crime, and desperately wanted to pursue that crime in him.She gave her no diversion; every child's nature, in action, word, even thought, was scavenged as a crime, and youth was robbed of all its joy.Anna had been too bored in the chapel since she was a child and dared not express it; the horrors of hell were always surrounding her.At the door of the old chapel stood hideous statues, with their legs on fire, and toads and snakes crawling on them: the dodgy eyes of children were terrified to death at these images every Sunday.She often suppresses her instincts and lies to herself.When she was old enough to help her grandmother, she worked in the dark silk shop from morning till night.Looking at the examples around her, she also learned that style: orderly work, economy and unnecessary hard work everywhere, indifference, and a depressed outlook on life that looks down on everything—this is religious belief in general. Forced to be the natural consequences of devout believers.Even the old grandmother thought her zeal for religion was too much; she kept fasting and practicing penance, and for a while she even wore a belt with needles on her body. Whenever she moved, the needles would pierce her flesh and blood.Everyone looked at her pale in bewilderment.Later she fainted, and a doctor was called in.She wouldn't let the doctor auscultate her,--(she would rather die than undress in front of a man);--just told the truth.The doctor complained a lot to her, and she agreed not to come again.The grandmother also checked her clothes from then on to be on the safe side.Ana took no mystical pleasure from these austerities; she had no imagination, and all the poetry of Saint-François or Saint-Dance could not be spoken of to her.Her penance is pessimistic and materialistic, and she tortures herself not for the happiness of other worlds, but for the pleasure of self-masochism due to the suffering of depression.Surprisingly, this heart as cold as a grandmother can understand music, and to what extent she does not even know.She was indifferent to other arts, perhaps never glanced at a painting, she had no sense of beauty, because she was proud and cold, so she was not interested at all.A beautiful body can only arouse in her the idea of ​​nudity, that is to say, like Tolstoy's peasants, there can only be a feeling of disgust; and this disgust is especially strong in Anna's heart, because she When she is with the person she usually likes, there is only the impulse of desire in the dark, and there are very few calm aesthetic criticisms.It never occurred to her that she was good-looking, just as she never thought of the power of her repressed instincts; in fact she didn't want to know, and because she had become a habit of lying to herself, she didn't realize it clearly. Brom and she met at a wedding feast.That time she went to a wedding was an exception; everyone always thought that she came from a humble background and dared not invite her.She was twenty-two at the time.Brom had taken notice of her; but not because of anything conspicuous about her.She sat next to him on the table, her posture was stiff, her clothes were ugly, and she could hardly speak.But Brom talked to her all the time--that is, he talked to himself--and couldn't help being very emotional when he went back.Based on superficial observations, he felt that the girl sitting next to her was elegant, chaste, and reasonable; at the same time, he also appreciated her healthy body and the advantages of being good at housekeeping.He went to visit his grandmother, and the second time he went, he proposed marriage, and his grandmother agreed.The dowry is free of money: Mrs. Sanfo donated her family property to the public to develop business. The young woman had never felt any love for her husband, which she thought was something that a good woman should avoid as a sin.But she knew that Brom's kindness was great, and she was grateful that he married her despite her ambiguous background.She attaches great importance to women's ethics, and they have been married for seven years, and there has never been any disturbance between the couple.They stayed together, neither understanding nor feeling uneasy about it.In the eyes of the public, they are a model couple.The two rarely get out.Brahm had quite a lot of patients, but he couldn't get his wife into that society.She was not likable, and the stain of her birth could not be completely erased.Ana herself did not try to get close to others.She is still angry at the scorn she received as a child, which made her childhood so unhappy.And she felt very cramped in front of people, and she wanted them to forget her.For the sake of her husband's business, she had to visit and receive some inevitable guests.Those female guests are curious little bourgeois who like to talk badly.Ana wasn't interested in their gossip and long-winded discussions, and she didn't hide her psychology.And this is inexcusable.As a result, the visits of guests gradually became rare, and Ana was lonely.And she just wanted nothing to disturb the tossing and turning dreams in her heart, and the ambiguous commotion in her body. For several weeks, Ana seemed to be ill, and her face had lost weight.She avoided seeing Christophe and Braun, shut herself up in her bedroom all day long, and thought wildly; she did not answer when people talked to her.As a rule, Brom would not be alarmed by such capricious behavior of a woman, and he explained it to Christophe.Like all men who are born blind to women, he pretends to understand them.He did know quite a bit, but it was useless.He knew that they often dreamed very stubbornly, with hostility in their hearts, and kept silent; at that time, it was best to let it be and not to pursue it, especially not to pursue what they were doing in that dangerous subconscious area.Even so, he also began to worry about Ana's health, thinking that her haggard appearance was due to her lifestyle, because she was always confined at home, never going out of the city, and rarely leaving the gate.He asked her to go for a walk.He can't accompany her very much by himself: on Sundays she is busy with homework for worship and worship; on weekdays he is busy with doctor visits.As for Christophe, he deliberately avoided going out with her.Once or twice they took a short walk together at the gates of the town: it was a deadly bore.There are no words.For Ana, the natural world seemed to be non-existent, she saw nothing; the fields were nothing but vegetation and stones in her eyes, and that stubborn attitude made one's heart go cold.Christophe once taught her to appreciate the beautiful scenery in a corner.She looked around, smiled coldly, and reluctantly said perfunctorily: "Oh! Yes, that's mysterious..." In the same way she would say, "Well, the sun is beautiful." Christophe was so angry that he pinched his fingers on the palm of his hand, and never asked her anything again; when she went out, he always had an excuse to stay at home. In fact, Ana is not indifferent to the natural world, but just doesn't like the so-called beautiful scenery, and doesn't think it is different from other scenery.But she liked fields,—whatever they were—earth and air.But she was as insensible to this inclination, as to other strong passions, and those who lived with her were naturally less aware of it. As a result of Brom's repeated persuasion, Ana finally agreed to go to the suburbs for a day.This is a concession she made in order to avoid entanglement.The walk was scheduled for a Sunday.At the last moment, the doctor, who loved this matter like a child, couldn't spare because of an emergency, so Christophe had to accompany Anna to set off. Although it was winter, the weather was very good, and there was no snow: the air was crisp and cold, the sky was bright, the sun was shining brightly, and there was a biting north wind blowing.They took a small regional train and drove to a place where there were mountains in the distance.The carriage was full of people; they sat apart and said nothing.Ana looked very unhappy; the previous day she had surprised Brom by saying that she would not be going to church this Sunday.It was the first time she was angry about being absent.Is it a sign of resistance? ... Her inner struggle, who can tell? ——At that time, her face was pale, staring straight at the stool in front of her... They were indifferent to each other when they got off the train and started walking.They walked side by side; she walked resolutely, paying no attention to anything, her arms flung back and forth, the heels of her shoes rattled on the frozen ground. ——Slowly, her face became lively, and the speed of walking made her pale cheeks turn red.She opened her mouth a little for air.At the corner of a winding upward path, she climbed up the hill along a stone pit from the slant, like a sheep, grabbing the bushes beside her when encountering bumps.Christophe followed her.She climbed faster and faster, slipped and fell, and got up again grabbing the grass.Christophe yelled at her to stop.She didn't answer, although she bent over and ran up with hands and feet.Thick fog floated over the valley like a silver wreath, only showing a crack where there were trees.The two of them walked through the fog and into the sunshine high above.At the top, she turned around, with a cheerful face, panting with her mouth open, and watched Christophe climb up behind with a mocking expression, took off her coat and threw it in his face, and then did not wait for him to catch his breath. Come and run forward.Christophe followed.They all became interested in the game; the fresh air made them feel dazed and intoxicated.She picked a steep hill and ran down, the stone rolled under her feet, but she didn't stumble, slid back and forth, jumped and jumped, and flew away like an arrow.She looked back from time to time to estimate how far she ran ahead of Christophe.As he got closer and closer, she slipped into the woods.The dead leaves rustled under her feet; the branches that had been thrown back brushed her face again.Finally she kicked on a tree root and was caught by Christophe.She struggled, resisted with punches and kicks, and hit him several times, trying to throw him to the ground, screaming and laughing.She pressed against him, her chest heaving; their cheeks almost touched, he touched the sweat on Ana's forehead, and breathed in the damp smell of her hair.Suddenly she pushed hard, broke free, and looked at him with challenging eyes, without any expression of agitation.He was amazed to discover a power in her which he never exercised in ordinary life. They set out for the neighboring village, passing briskly among the springy haystacks.A flock of foraging crows flies across the field ahead.The sun was hot and the wind was bitterly cold.Christophe took Anna's arm.The clothes she was wearing were not very thick, and he could feel the heat and sweat evaporating from her body.He asked her to put on her coat, but she refused, and in a show of bravery unbuttoned her collar.They went to a country inn to eat: there was a "savage" trademark painted on the signboard, a young cypress tree was planted in front of the door, German four-stanza poems and two polychrome prints were decorated on the dining room wall: one with The one with a sentimental meaning is called; the one with a patriotic meaning is called "Battle of St. James"; there is also a cross with a skull engraved on the bottom.Christophe had never seen Anna's voracious appetite.They were in good spirits and drank a little white wine.After dinner, like two good fellows, they went out to play in the fields again, their hearts very quiet, thinking only of the joy of walking, of the blood stirring in their breasts, and the air that stimulated them.Ana's tongue loosened, she stopped being on guard and said whatever came to her mind. She talked about her childhood: her grandmother took her to an old lady's house near the cathedral; when two old people chatted, they sent her to play in the big garden.The shadow of the church covered the garden, and she sat in a corner, motionless, listening to the groaning of the leaves and detecting the insects and ants: both happy and frightened. —she did not speak of the thought that haunted her imagination—the fear of the devil.People said that the devils were always lingering in front of the church door and dared not go in; she thought that spiders, lizards, ants, and all the ugly little things that moved under the leaves, on the ground, or in the cracks of the walls were all devils incarnate. . ——Then she talked about the house back then, the bedroom without sunlight, thinking about it with relish; she stayed up all night there, making up stories... "What story?" "Fantasy story." "Tell me about it." She shook her head in reluctance. "why?" She blushed and added with a smile: "And during the day, when I'm working." She thought for a while, laughed again, and came to a conclusion: "It's all crazy things, not good things." He teased her and said, "Aren't you afraid?" "What are you afraid of?" "Sent to hell." Her face immediately turned cold, and she said, "Oh! You shouldn't mention this." He pulled away the words, expressing his admiration for her strength when she was struggling just now.So she regained her trusting expression and talked about her daring as a little girl. —(She didn't say "little girl" but "boy" because she wanted to take part in boys' games and fights when she was a child.) Once she was with a little friend who was a head taller than she Together, he punched him suddenly, hoping that he would fight back.Unexpectedly, he ran away while shouting.Another time she jumped on the back of a black cow that was passing by, and the cow was startled and threw her off a tree and nearly died.She also jumped from a second-story window once, the only reason being that she didn't believe she dared to do it; the result was nothing but bruises.When she was alone at home, she invented all kinds of weird and dangerous sports, which subjected her body to all kinds of strange tests. "Who would have thought you were like this," he said, "you are usually so serious..." "Oh, you haven't seen me in my room some days by myself!" "Why, are you still playing this trick now?" She laughed, and then suddenly brought up another topic, asking him if he was hunting or not.He replied no.She said she shot a black crow once and it hit.He was very indignant. "Drink!" she said. "What does that matter?" "Don't you have a heart?" "I have no idea." "Don't you think animals are creatures like us?" "That's what I think. Well, I want to ask you: Do you believe that animals have a soul?" "I believe there are." "The pastor said no. I, I think they have." She added very seriously: "And I believe that I was a beast in my previous life." He smiled. "What's so ridiculous?" She laughed as she said so. "I made up stories like this for myself when I was a kid. I imagined that I was a cat, a dog, a bird, a pony, a bull. I felt a desire to be like them, to be furry or Wings, try what it tastes like; as if I really tried. Oh, don't you understand?" "Yes, you are an animal, and a queer animal. But how can you mistreat beasts if you feel like them?" "One always hurts others. Some people hurt me, and I hurt others. It is inevitable. I never complain. Can't be too gentle with people! I taught myself to suffer a little, purely For fun!" “怎么，你伤害自己吗？” “是的。你瞧，有一天我用锤子把一只钉敲在这只手里。” "why?" “一点儿不为什么。”（她还没说出她曾经想把自己钉上十字架。） “把你的手给我，”她说。 "What for?" “给我就是了。” 他把手伸给她。她抓着拚命的掐，他不由得叫起来。他们象两个乡下人那样比赛，看谁能够教谁更痛，玩得很高兴，心里没有什么别的念头。世界上其余的一切，他们生命的锁链，过去的悲哀，未来的忧惧，在他们身上酝酿的暴风雨，一切都消灭了。 他们走了十几里，不觉得疲倦。突然她停下来，倒在地下干草上，一声不出，仰天躺着，把胳膊枕在脑后，眼睛望着天。多么安静！多么恬适！……几步路以外，一道看不见的泉水断断续续的流着，好似脉管的跳动：忽而微弱，忽而剧烈。远远的天边黑沉沉的。紫色的地上长着光秃与黑色的树木，一层水起在上面浮动。冬季末期的太阳，淡黄的年轻的太阳，蒙起入睡了。飞鸟象明晃晃的箭一般破空而过。乡间可爱的钟声遥遥呼应，一村复一村……克利斯朵夫坐在阿娜身旁瞅着她。她并没想到他，美丽的嘴巴悄悄的笑着。 他心里想道：“这真是你吗？我认不得你了。” “我自己也认不得了。我相信我是另外一个女人了。我不再害怕了；我不怕他了。啊！他使我窒息，他使我痛苦！我仿佛被钉在灵柩里……现在我能呼吸了；这个肉体，这颗心，是我的了。我的身体。我的自由的身体，自由的心。我的力，我的美，我的快乐！可是我不认识它们，我不认识自己：你怎么能使我变得这样的呢？……” 他以为听见她轻轻的叹着气。但她什么都没有想，唯一的念头是很快活，觉得一切都很好。 Dusk came.在灰灰的淡紫的雾霭之下，倦怠的太阳从四点钟起就不见了。克利斯朵夫站起来走近阿娜，向她伛着身子。她转过眼睛瞅着他，因为久望天空而还有些眼花，过了几秒钟才把他认出来，堆着一副谜样的笑容瞪着他。克利斯朵夫感染到她眼中的惶乱，赶紧闭了一会眼睛，等到重新睁开，她还望着他；他觉得彼此已经这样的望了好几天了。他们看到了彼此的心，可不愿意知道看到些什么。 他向她伸出手来，她一声不出的握着，重新向村子走去，远远的就望见山坳间那些屋顶作蒜形的钟楼；其中有一座在满生藓苔的瓦上，象戴着一顶小圆帽似的有一个空的鸟窠。在两条路的交叉口上，快要进村子的地方，有一个喷水池，上面供着一座木雕的圣女玛特兰纳，模样儿很妩媚，带点儿撒娇的神气，伸着手臂站着。阿娜无意中摹仿神像伸着手的姿势，爬上石栏，把一些冬青树枝，和还没被鸟啄完、也没被冻坏的山梨实放在女神手里。 他们在路上遇到一群又一群的乡下男女，穿着过节的新衣服。皮肤褐色，血色极旺的女人，挽着很大的蛋壳形的髻，穿着浅色衣衫，帽子上插着鲜花，戴着红袖口的白手套。她们尖着嗓子，用着平静的，不大准的声音唱些简单的歌。一条母牛在牛棚里曼声叫着。一个患百日咳的儿童在一所屋子里咳嗽。稍为远一些，有人呜呜的吹着单簧管和短号。村子的广场上，在酒店与公墓之间，有人在跳舞。四个乐师起在一张桌上奏着音乐。阿娜和克利斯朵夫坐在客店门前瞧着那些舞伴。他们你撞我，我撞你，彼此大声吆喝。女孩子们为了好玩而叫叫嚷嚷。酒客用拳头在桌上打拍子。要是在别的时候，这种粗俗的玩乐一定会使阿娜憎厌，那天下午她却是很欣赏，脱下帽子，眉飞色舞的瞧着。克利斯朵夫听着可笑而庄严的音乐，看着乐师们一本正经的滑稽样儿，不禁哈哈大笑。他从袋里掏出一支铅笔在账单的反面写起舞曲来了，不久一张纸就写满了，问人家又要了一张，也象第一页那样涂满了又潦草又笨拙的字迹。阿娜把脸挨近着他的脸，从他肩头上看着，低声哼着，猜句子的结尾，猜到了或是句子出其不意的完全变了样，她就拍手欢笑。写完以后，克利斯朵夫拿去递给乐师。他们都是技巧纯熟的施瓦本人，马上奏起①来。调子有一种感伤与滑稽的意味，配着急激的节奏，仿佛穿插着一阵阵的哄笑。那种可笑的气息教人忍俊不禁，大家的腿都不由自主的动起来。阿娜扑进人堆，随便抓着两只手，发疯似的打转，头上一支贝壳别针掉下了，头发也散开了挂在腮帮上。克利斯朵夫始终望着她，很赏识这头美丽壮健的动物，那是至此为止被无情的纪律压得没有声音的，不会活动的。她当时那副模样，谁都没见过：仿佛戴了一个别人的面具，活脱是个精力充沛的酒神。she called him.他便跑上去抓着她的手腕跳舞，转来转去，直撞到墙上，才头昏目眩的停下来。It was completely dark.他们休息了一会，才跟大家告别。平时因为局促或是因为轻蔑而对平民很矜持的阿娜，这一回却是很和气的跟乐师，店主，以及刚才一块儿跳舞的村子里的少年握手。 ------------ ①施瓦本为靠近瑞士的一个德国山区。 在明亮而寒冷的天色下面，他们俩孤零零的重新穿过田野，走着早上所走的路。阿娜先还非常兴奋。慢慢的，她话少了，后来为了疲倦或者为了黑夜的神秘抓住了她的心，完全不作声了。她很亲热的靠在克利斯朵夫身上，走下她早上连奔带爬翻过来的山坡，叹了口气。他们到了站上。快要到村口第一所屋子的时候，他停下来对她瞧着。她也瞧着她，不胜怅惘的笑了笑。 车中的乘客跟来时一样的多，他们没法谈天。他和她对面坐着，目不转睛的钉着她。她低着眼睛，抬了一下，又转向别处，他无论如何没法使她掉过头来。她望着车外的黑夜，嘴唇上挂着茫然的笑容，嘴边有些疲倦的神气。然后笑容不见了，变得无精打采。他以为火车的节奏把她催眠了，竭力想跟她谈话。她只冷冷的回答一言半语，头始终向着别处。他硬要相信这种变化是由于疲倦的关系，但心里知道真正的原因是别有所在。越近城市，阿娜的脸越凝敛。生气没有了，活泼美丽的肉体又变了石像。下车的时候，她不接受他伸给她的手。两人不声不响的回到了家里。 过了几天，傍晚四点左右，勃罗姆出去了，只有他们俩在家。从隔天气，城上就罩着一层淡绿的雾。看不见的莱茵河传来一片奔腾的水声。街车的电线在雾其中爆出火星。天色黯淡，日光窒息，简直说不出是什么时间：那是非现实的时间，在时间以外的时间。前几日吹过了峭厉的北风，这一下气候突然转暖，郁勃薰蒸，非常潮湿。天上雪意很浓，大有不胜重负之概。 他们俩坐在客厅内，周围的陈设和女主人一样带着冷冷的呆板的气息。两个人都不说话：他看着书，她做着针线。他起身走到窗口，把阔大的脸贴在玻璃上出神；一片苍白的光，从阴沉的天空反射到土铅色的地上，使他感到一阵迷惘；他有些不安的思想，可是抓握不住。一阵悲怆的苦闷慢慢的上了他的身，他觉得自己在往下沉；灼热的风在他生命的空隙里，在累积的废墟底下回旋飞卷。他背对着阿娜。她正专心工作，没看见他；可是她打了一个寒噤，好几次把针扎了自己的手指，不觉得疼。两人都感到危险将临，有点儿神魂无主。 他竭力驱散自己的迷惘，在屋子里走了几步。钢琴在那里勾引他，使他害怕，连望都不敢望。可是在旁边走过，他的手抵抗不了诱惑，不由得捺了一个音。琴声象人声一样的颤动起来。阿娜吓了一跳，活计掉在了地下。克利斯朵夫已经坐在那里弹琴，暗中觉得阿娜走过来站在他身边了。他糊里糊涂弹起一个庄严而热烈的曲子，便是她上回听了第一次显露本相的歌；他拿其中的主题临时作了许多激昂的变奏曲。她不等他开口就唱起来。两人忘了周围的一切。音乐的神圣的狂潮把他们卷走了…… oh!音乐，打开灵魂的深渊的音乐！你把精神的平衡给破坏了，在日常生活中，普通人的心灵是重门深锁的密室。无处使用的精力，与世枘凿的德性与恶癖，都被关在里面发锈；实际而明哲的理性，畏首畏尾的世故，掌握着这个密室的锁钥。它们只给你看到整理得清清楚楚的几格。可是音乐有根魔术棒能把所有的门都打开。于是心中的妖魔出现了。灵魂变得赤裸裸的一无遮蔽……——只要美丽的女神在歌唱，降妖的法师就能监视那些野兽。大音乐家坚强的理性能够催眠他解放出来的情欲。但音乐一停下来，降妖的法师不在的时候，被他惊醒的情欲就要在囚笼中怒吼，找它们的食物了…… 曲子完了。一平静默……她唱歌的时候把一只手放在克利斯朵夫肩上。两人一动都不敢动，浑身哆嗦……突然之间，象闪电那么快，她弯下身子，他仰起头来；两人的嘴巴碰到了，呼吸交融了…… 她把他推开，马上溜走。他在黑影里呆着不动。勃罗姆回家了，大家坐上桌子吃饭。克利斯朵夫不能再用思想。阿娜好似心不在焉，眼睛望着别处。吃了晚饭，她立刻回到卧室。克利斯朵夫不能跟勃罗姆单独相对，也告退了。 半夜左右，已经睡觉的医生被请去出诊。克利斯朵夫听着他下楼，听着他出门。外边已经下了六小时的雪，屋子跟街道都被盖掉了。天空好似装满了棉絮。街上既没人声，也没车声，整个的城市仿佛死了。克利斯朵夫睡不着，觉得有种恐怖的情绪，越来越厉害。他不能动弹：仰躺在床上，睁着眼睛。雪地上和屋顶上反映出来的银光在壁上浮动……忽然有种细微莫辨的，只有他在那么紧张的情形之下才听得出来的声音，把他吓得直打寒颤。克利斯朵夫听见甬道的地板上有阵轻微的拂触，便抬起身子坐在床上。声音逐渐逼近，停下了；一块地板响了一下。显而易见有人在门外等着……然后静默了几秒钟，或许是几分钟……克利斯朵夫气也透不过来了，浑身是汗。外边大块的雪花飘在窗上，好似鸟儿的翅膀。有只手在门上摸索，把门推开了，一个影子慢慢的走过来，到离床几步的地方又停下。克利斯朵夫什么都看不清，只听见她的呼吸和自己的心跳……她走近几步，又停了一下。他们的脸靠得那么近，甚至呼吸都交融在一起了。彼此的目光在黑影里探索，可是看不见……她倒在他身上。两人悄悄的发疯似的互相抱着，一句话也没有…… 过了一小时，两小时，也许是过了一世纪，楼下的大门开了。阿娜挣脱身子，溜下了床，离开了克利斯朵夫，象来的时候一样没有一句话。他听她光着脚走远，很快的拂着地板。她回到房里；勃罗姆看到她躺着，好象睡得很熟。她可是挨在丈夫身边，屏着气，一动不动，睁着眼睛过了一夜。她这样的不知已经熬过多少夜了！ 克利斯朵夫也睡不着觉，心里难过到极点。他对于爱情，尤其是婚姻，素来抱着严肃的态度，最恨那些诲淫的作家。通奸是他深恶痛绝的，那是他平民式的暴烈的性格和崇高的道德观念混合起来的心理。对别人的妻子，他一方面极尊敬，一方面在生理上感到厌恶。欧洲某些上层阶级的杂交使他恶心。为丈夫默认的通奸是下流，瞒着丈夫的私情是无耻，好比一个仆人偷偷的欺骗主子，污辱主子。曾经有过多少次，他毫不留情的痛斥这种罪人！有过多少次他跟这一类自暴自弃的朋友绝交！……现在他竟作出同样下贱的事！而他的情形尤其是罪无可恕。他以忧患病弱之身投奔到这儿来，朋友把他收留了，救济了，安慰了，始终那么慷慨，殷勤。无论克利斯朵夫怎么样，主人从来没有厌倦的表示。他如今还能活在世界上完全是靠这个朋友。而他竟污辱朋友的名誉，剥夺朋友的幸福，——那么可怜的家庭幸福！——作为报答。他卑鄙无耻的欺骗了朋友，而且是跟谁？跟一个他不认识的，不了解的，不爱的女人……他不爱她吗？他的心马上抗议了。他想到她的时候胸中那道如火如荼的激流，爱情这个字还不足以形容。那不是爱情，而是千百倍于爱情的感情……他心绪象暴风雨般翻腾不已的过了一夜。他把脸浸在冰冷的水里，气塞住了，打着寒噤。精神上的狂乱结果使他发了一场寒热。 等到困顿不堪的起来的时候，他以为她一定比他更羞愧。他走到窗前。太阳照在耀眼的雪上。阿娜在园子里晾衣服，一心一意的做着活儿，似乎没有一点儿骚乱。她的体态举动有一种她素来没有的庄严气概，连动作也象一座雕像的动作。 吃中饭的时候，两人遇到了。勃罗姆整天不在家。克利斯朵夫一想到要跟勃罗姆见面就受不住。他要和阿娜说话，可是不得清静：老妈子来来往往，他们俩非留神不可。克利斯朵夫竭力想瞧瞧阿娜的目光，她却老是不对他望。她非但没有骚乱的现象，并且一举一动都没有的那种高傲与庄严的气派。吃过饭，他以为能谈话了，不料女仆慢腾腾的收拾着饭桌；他们到了隔壁屋子，她又设法钉着他们，老是有些东西要拿来或拿去，在走廊里摸东摸西，靠近半开的门，阿娜也不急于把门关上。老妈子似乎有心刺探他们。阿娜拿着永不离身的活儿坐在窗下。克利斯朵夫背光埋在一张大靠椅里，把一本书打开着而并不看。可以从侧面看到他的阿娜，一眼就发见他对着墙壁，脸上很痛苦，便冷冷的笑了笑。屋顶上和园中树上的融雪，滴滴答答的掉在砂上，发出清越的声音。远远的，街上的孩子们玩着雪球，纵声笑着。阿娜似乎蒙胧入睡了。周围的静默使克利斯朵夫苦闷之极，差点儿要叫起来。 终于老妈子下了楼，出门了。克利斯朵夫站起来，对着阿娜，正想要说：“阿娜！阿娜！咱们干的什么事啊？” 不料阿娜望着他，把原来一味低着的眼睛抬了起来，射出一道热辣辣的火焰。克利斯朵夫被她这么一瞧，支持不住了，要说的话马上咽了下去。他们互相走近，又紧紧的抱着了…… 黄昏的黑影慢慢的展开去。他们的血还在奔腾。她躺在床上，脱了衣服，伸着胳膊，也不抬一抬手遮盖她的身体。他把脸埋在枕上，呻吟着。她抬起身来，捧着他的脑袋，用手摩着他的眼睛跟嘴巴，凑近他的脸，直瞪着克利斯朵夫。她的眼睛象湖一般深沉，微微笑着，似乎对于痛苦毫不介意。意识消灭了。He fell silent.一阵阵的寒噤象波浪般流过他们的全身…… 这一夜，克利斯朵夫独自回到房里，想着自杀的念头。 第二天，他一起床就找阿娜。此刻倒是他怕看到对方的眼睛了。只要一接触她的目光，他要说的话立刻会想不起。但他迸足了勇气开口，说他们的行为是怎么卑鄙。她才听了几个字，就把手堵住他的嘴巴；接着又走开去，拧着眉头，咬着嘴唇，脸色非常凶恶。他继续说着。她便把手中的活儿扔在地下，打开门预备出去了。他上前抓着她的手，关了门，不胜悲苦的说她能忘掉自己的过失真是幸福。她把他推开了，勃然大怒的说： “住嘴！你这个没种的东西！难道你不看见我痛苦吗？……我不要听你的话。” 她的脸陷了下去，眼睛的神气又是恨又是害怕，象一头受了伤害的野兽；她恨不得一瞪之下就要了他的命。——他一松手，她就跑去呆在屋子的另外一角。他不去追她，心中苦闷到极点，也恐惧到极点。勃罗姆回来了。他们俩呆呆的望着他，象呆子一样。那时除了自己的痛苦，仿佛世界上什么都不存在了。 克利斯朵夫出去了。勃罗姆和阿娜开始吃饭。饭吃到一半，勃罗姆突然起来打开窗子，阿娜昏过去了。 克利斯朵夫托辞旅行，出门了半个月。阿娜除了吃饭的时间，整星期都关在房里。她又恢复了平时的意识，习惯，和一切她自以为已经摆脱、而实际是永远摆脱不掉的过去的生活。她故意装做看不见一切，可是没用。心中的烦恼一天天的增加，一天天的深入，终于盘踞不去了。下星期日，她仍旧不去做礼拜。但再下一个星期日，她又去了，从此不再间断。她不是心悦诚服，而是战败了。上帝是个敌人，——是她竭力想摆脱的一个敌人。她对他怀着一腔怨恨，象个敢怒而不敢言的奴隶。做礼拜的时间，她脸上冷冷的全是敌意；心灵深处，她的宗教生活是一场对抗主子的恶斗，主子的责备对她是最酷烈的刑罚。她只做不听见，可是非听见不可；她和上帝争得很凶，咬紧着牙关，脑门上横着皱痕表示固执，露出一副狰狞的目光。她恨恨的想起克利斯朵夫，不能原谅他把她从心灵的牢狱里放出了一刹那，而又让她重新关进去，受刽子手们的磨难。她再也睡不着觉了，不论白天黑夜都想着那些磨折人的念头；她可不哼一声，硬着头皮继续在家指挥一切，对付日常生活也始终那么倔强固执，做事象机器一样的有规律。人渐渐的瘦下来，似乎害着心病。勃罗姆好不担忧，很亲切的问她，想替她检查身体。她却是愤愤的拒绝了。她越觉得对不其他，越对他残酷。 克利斯朵夫决意不回来了，拚命用疲劳来磨自己：走着长路，作着极辛苦的运动，划船，爬山。可是什么都压不下心头的欲火。 他整个儿被热情制服了。天才是生来需要热情的。便是那些最贞洁的，如贝多芬，如布鲁克纳，也永远要有个爱的对象；凡是人的力量都在他们身上发挥到最高点；而因为那些力受着幻想吸引，所以他们的头脑被无穷的情欲抓去作了俘虏。往往那些情欲是短时间的火焰：来了一个新的，旧的一个就被压倒；而所有的火焰都被创造精神的弥天大火吞掉。但等到洪炉的热度不再充塞心灵的时候，无力自卫的心灵就落在它不能或缺的热情手里；它要求热情，创造热情，非要热情把它吞下去不可……——并且除了刺激肉体的强烈的欲望以外，还有温情的需要，使一个在人生中受了伤害而失意的男人投向一个能安慰他的女子。同时，一个伟大的人比别人更近于儿童，更需要拿自己付托给一个女子，把额角安放在她温柔的手掌中，枕在她膝上…… 但克利斯朵夫不懂这些……他不信热情是不可避免的，以为那是浪漫派的胡说八道。他相信一个人应当奋斗，相信奋斗是有力量的，相信自己的意志是有力量的……他的意志在哪儿呢？连影踪都没有了。他没法排遣。往事跟他日夜不休的纠缠着。阿娜身体上的气味，使他的嘴巴鼻子都觉得火辣辣的。他好比一条沉重的破舟，没有了舵，随风飘荡。他拚命想逃避也没用：回来回去总碰到老地方；他对着风喊道：“好罢，把我吹破了罢！你要把我怎么办呢？”