Chapter 2 part one (1)

Dedicated to Fellows of the Royal Academy of Physicians Mr J-B Nacar ① Jean-Baptiste Nacar (1781-1854), a famous doctor, began to have close contacts with the Balzac family in 1815. For Balzac, he was not only a loyal doctor, a profound reader, but also a Friends who have given generously many times. Dear Doctor, this is the finely crafted second floor of the literary edifice I have long and diligently built. Stone, I want to engrave your name on it, not only to thank the scholars who saved my life, It is also to honor the friends who get along with me day and night. De Balzac Letter to Countess Nathalie de Maneverville

I obey your wishes.If we love a woman more than she loves us, she has a special Power can make us put reason behind us in everything.If you don't want to see you frowning, if you want to Wipe away the disgruntled look on your vermilion lips when you are slightly unsatisfactory, we must miraculously cross Distance, sacrifice our blood, ruin our future.Now you need to know about my past, it All here.But know, Natalie, that in order to obey you I have to trample untouched A past that I don't want to look back on.Indeed, I am in the midst of great happiness, and sometimes I will suddenly

Then sink into long meditation, but why should you doubt it?As a beloved woman, for a while Why be silent?Can't you enjoy the contradictions in my character without asking why? Do you also have secrets in your heart and want to be forgiven, so you want to inquire about my secrets?yes you guessed it Wrong, Natalie, maybe it's best to tell you all: yes, my life is ruled by a ghost, It appears faintly at the slightest mention of it, and, often without calling, in my Shaking overhead.The past is like a weaving, deeply buried in my heart, like a creature in the sea, in the wind and waves

It can be seen floating when it is still, and when the storm hits, it is torn apart by the waves and thrown on the beach.past passion Awakening, though, would be terribly painful to me; though that passion would be curbed by the effort required to clear my mind, But I may still hurt you by mourning in my confession, and if so, please don't forget that I am Forced to obey you.You can't blame me for obeying you, can you?I wish I paid like this The heart will make your affection stronger.See you tonight. Felix What kind of talent, nourished by tears, will one day sing us a lament for ghosts and gods, and describe the pain that young hearts endure silently?These weak roots of the soul are rooted in the soil of the family, and all they encounter are hard pebbles. The young school that has just grown is broken by the hand of hatred, and the blooming flowers are attacked by frost.The childish lips sucked the bitter milk, and the smiling face was stifled by the stern eyes like fierce flames.Which poet can tell us about these sufferings of childhood?These poor souls are wrecked by those around them, who are placed around children for the purpose of cultivating their emotions.If ever there was a novel about this kind of thing, it would be the true portrayal of my teenage years.Whose vanity can I, a newborn baby, hurt?What is my physical and mental defect that my mother treats me so coldly?Am I the child of duty?Was my birth an accident?Does my little life constitute my mother's guilt?I was sent to the countryside to be raised, and there was no one at home for three years.When I got home, my family ignored me, and even the servants felt pity for me when they saw this.I had neither feelings nor opportunities to recover from my childhood fall from grace: I was ignorant as a child and ignorant as an adult.My brother and two sisters, instead of giving me any comfort, took pleasure in torturing me.Children already know how to save face, and have a tacit understanding with each other to conceal small mistakes, but this tacit understanding does not apply to me.What's more, when my elder brother did something wrong, I would often be punished on his behalf, and I couldn't complain about my grievances.My older brothers and sisters were also afraid of my mother. In order to please her, they cheered from the sidelines and competed to bully me.Is this the result of the obsessive obsession born in children, or do they have the instinct to imitate?To try their strength, or lack of mercy?Perhaps these factors combined to make me lose my brotherhood.All the warmth has nothing to do with me, I was born with a heart of love, but love can do nothing!Will the Ambassador hear the sighs of this sensitive heart that is constantly being ravaged?If it is said that in some people's minds, repressed feelings can turn into hatred; but my feelings have condensed and stagnated, digging a nest deep in my heart, waiting to burst out in the future of my life.From the character point of view, the habit of trembling and trembling relaxes the heartstrings, causing fear, and giving way in everything, thus producing cowardice.This cowardice degenerates and imbues man with an indescribable slavishness.However, constant torment has tempered me, strengthened my stamina, and made my mind resilient.Like a victim waiting for a new blow, I am always ready to suffer a new pain, so I appear submissive, totally doormat.In this state of mind the child's innocence is stifled; I looked like a fool, which confirmed my mother's ominous prophecy.I knew it was unjust, and the pride aroused in my young heart; no doubt it was this fruit of reason that checked the unhealthy tendencies that education had fostered.Although my mother left me alone, her conscience was disturbed. Sometimes she talked about my education and said that she would arrange it herself.I shudder at the thought of how much pain I will suffer in contact with her every day.It is my good fortune that no one cares about me. I am happy to stay in the garden, play with stones, observe insects, and look up at the blue sky.It's true that people are lonely, but I like to meditate for another reason, and that accident is enough to describe to you my misfortune in childhood.I was so insignificant in the house that the nurse often forgot to put me to bed.One night, curled up quietly under a fig tree, I gazed at a star with all the intense curiosity of a child and the synesthesia of precocious melancholy.My sisters were playing in the distance; their clamor seemed to me to be the accompaniment of my thoughts.As night fell, the surroundings fell silent.Mother still found that I was not in the house.Our nanny, Miss Carolina, was a vicious woman who tried to avoid blame and justify my mother's false concerns by insisting that I hated home and would have run away if she hadn't kept a close eye on me and that I wasn't stupid Don't stay, she has a ghost idea in her mind, how many children she has taken care of, she has never seen such a perverted child like me.She knew where I was, but she pretended to look for me and call me.I agreed, and she came under the fig tree and asked, "What are you doing here?" Are you young enough to know astronomy?" "Oh, ma'am," cried Carolina, "he's turned the switch on the cistern, and the garden is flooded." And now there was a catastrophe.In fact, it was my sister who thought it was fun and turned on the faucet to watch the running water. Unexpectedly, the water spurted out and poured them all over. They panicked and ran away without turning off the faucet.Everyone believed that I was responsible for this mischief; my mother, seeing that I denied it, reprimanded me for lying, and gave me a severe punishment.But the more terrible punishment was that I was laughed at for my love of the stars, and my mother forbade me to be in the garden at night.Rough prohibition intensifies desire, and this is more pronounced in children than in adults, because children can concentrate on forbidden things and find them irresistible.So I get beaten for my star every now and then.My sorrows can be uttered to no one but to my stars in the sweet voice of my heart, the first thoughts a child stammers, as he once babbled.After middle school at the age of twelve, I looked up at the star and still felt an indescribable beauty, because the impression I got in the morning of my life left too deep a mark on my heart.

Charles was five years older than me, cute as a child, handsome as a grown-up, and a favorite of my father.The mother's treasure, the hope of the whole family, naturally becomes the supreme monarch in the family.He was well-proportioned and athletic, but he had a governess.I was thin and weak in stature, but I went to school in the city when I was five years old, and my father's personal servant picked me up every morning and evening.The meals I bring to school are very simple, but the food brought by my classmates is very rich.The contrast between my shabbiness and their wealth was painful to me.Tours is famous for its pate and grits, which are the main food of school lunches.School is over for dinner, so sooner or later we eat at home.That kind of cooked meat sauce is especially liked by gluttonous people, but it is rare to see it on the table of nobles in Tours.Before I went to school, I had heard of it, but I had never had the good fortune to see this brown gravy spread on my slices of bread.Even if this is not the usual food of my classmates, I still want to enjoy it; for it has become a fixed idea, like a most romantic duchess in Paris. Nature must be satisfied.Children can see greed in their eyes, as you can see love in their eyes, and I made a perfect mockery for them.Almost all of my classmates were children from citizen families. They held up the delicious meat sauce to my eyes and asked me if I knew how it was made, where it was sold, and why I didn’t.They smacked their lips and boasted of oil residues like fried mushrooms.They checked my food basket and saw that there was only Olivier cheese or dried fruit in it, and they said, "Nothing to eat?" This sentence pierced my heart and made me see the world of difference between me and my brother. .Others are so happy, but I am abandoned by my family. This stark contrast has tarnished the roses of my childhood and destroyed the green branches of my youth.Seeing that I was very greedy, a classmate deliberately teased me, and hypocritically handed me bread with meat sauce; I mistakenly thought that he was sincere, so I reached out to pick it up, but he withdrew his hand again. laugh.This is the first time I've been fooled.If the most eminent people have a little vanity, why can't they let a child cry when he is discriminated against and ridiculed?This kind of temptation will make many children greedy, humble and even cowardly!In order to avoid being bullied, I raised my hands.My desperation made them understand that I was not easy to mess with, but it also aroused their hatred, and I couldn't guard against their plots.One evening when I left school, I was hit by a bag of stones on my back.The servant vented his anger on me severely, and went back to report the matter to my mother.As soon as my mother heard it, she yelled: "This damn child is going to cause trouble at home!" As at home, I was also annoying at school, and I couldn't help feeling great doubts about myself; I was also depressed and alone at school.This second cold snow delayed the growth of my spiritual seedlings.My arrogance is based on the observation that favored children are mischievous.Therefore, the feelings that are smoldering in my poor heart are still unable to express.The teacher saw that I was sullen, lonely, and hated by others all day long, so he affirmed my family's wrong suspicions and thought that I was a good-natured person.When I could read and write, my mother let me transfer to Lewa Bridge Middle School.The school was run by the Oratorians, and it had a Latin class without passing through, for children of my age and imbecile.I studied there for eight years with no relatives and lived like a pariah in India.Let's talk about why this is so.My monthly pocket money is only three francs, which is just enough to buy pens, ink, paper, a knife and a ruler necessary for studying, but I can’t afford entertainment items such as musical instruments on stilts.The students have no part in the game.If I want to participate, I have to curry favor with the rich kids in the same grade, or curry favor with the able-bodied classmates.It's not a big deal for children to be humble; however, the slightest behavior of this kind of behavior makes my ears warm.I used to hang out under the tree, meditating, feeling sorry for myself, or reading the librarian's monthly distribution.What anguish lurks in this shadowy solitude!What anguish the plight of the foundling produced!I won the most important prizes in two subjects: French to Latin and Latin to French.Imagine how excited my young heart was when I participated in the school year award ceremony for the first time!The audience was full of parents, but none of my parents came to congratulate me.Amidst the cheers and drums, I came to the stage to receive the award, and instead of kissing the recipient as usual, I threw myself into his arms and cried bitterly.That night I threw the wreath into the fire and burned it.The week before the prize distribution was used to judge the prizes, and the parents stayed in the city, so the students left school happily early in the morning, leaving only me and the "overseas students" - this is for our classmates who live on islands or in foreign countries. My family lives, however, a few miles away.At vespers, the bad boys bragged to us about the good meals they had with their parents.You will find here and there that my traversal in the world deepens, and my misfortunes multiply.What efforts have I made to escape the isolation of the world!How many hopes that have been brewing for a long time with infinite yearning, are destroyed once!In order to invite my parents to the school to attend the award ceremony, I wrote several emotional letters to them.Although the letter is unavoidably exaggerated, why did it cause my mother to criticize me and ridicule my writing?I am still not discouraged, and I promise to meet the conditions put forward by my parents to come to school.I also begged my two sisters to intervene, but in vain; and on their holy names and birthdays, I wrote to congratulate them punctually like a poor foundling, never neglecting.As the award date approached, I urged my parents that I was expected to win the award.When I didn't hear from them, I had the illusion that they would definitely come. I couldn't help but be filled with joy, waited eagerly, and told the news to my classmates.During the period when the parents arrived at the school one after another, the old janitor came to call the students, and the footsteps echoed in the campus, and my heart beat almost sickly; the old man never called my name once.On the day I confessed that I had cursed my life, my confessor pointed to the sky and said to me that the Lord has a hadith: "Beati qui lugent!" which blessed the palms to bloom.The fantastic spiritual realm of religious thoughts can easily fascinate young people; when I first received Holy Communion, I was completely immersed in unfathomable prayers.Driven by fervent conviction, I asked God to reproduce for me the fascinating miracles I saw in the Book of the Martyrs.At five my heart flew to a star; at twelve I knocked at the gate of the temple.I was in ecstasy, producing indescribable hallucinations, which enriched my imagination, filled my emotions, and strengthened my faculties of thinking.I have often attributed my wondrous visions to angels: they molded my soul for divine responsibilities, endowed me with penetrating powers of subtle observation, tempered my heart from magic. ; and once the poet has the pathetic ability to compare feelings with reality, the greatness of his demands with the smallness of his gains, he will be enchanted and fall into misfortune; the angel wrote a book in my mind, let me read it and put on my lips the same burning coals that were on the lips of the Prophet.

① Olivier, a small town in the south of Orleans, France, is famous for producing high-quality cheese. ②Oratori, a Catholic priesthood founded in Rome in 1575 by St. Philip Neri. In 1611, the French Bishop Pierre de Beryl followed the example of the Italian Oratoria and founded the French Oratoria. ③ Latin, blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.See "New Testament Matthew" Chapter 5: Sermon on the Mount. ④Chapter 6 of "Old Testament Isaiah", before Isaiah became a prophet, an angel used a clip to hold a piece of fiery red coal from the altar, put it on his lips, and said: "This coal is stained. your mouth, your iniquity will be taken away, your sins will be forgiven you.”

My father, having doubts about the teaching quality of the Oratorian school, took me from the Pont de Leva and sent me to a private secondary school in the Marais district of Paris.I was fifteen years old at the time, and after the assessment, the school decided that I, a rhetoric student from Pont Leva, could go to the third grade.During my studies at Le Pitt's boarding school, I experienced again, in a modified form, what I had endured at home, at a small school, at a parochial school.My father never gave me money at all.Knowing that I was fed and fed at school and that I could fill my head with Latin and Greek, my parents thought the problem was solved.I have met thousands of classmates in this school, but I have never seen an example of a family being so indifferent to their children.Monsieur Le Pitt, a fanatical supporter of the Bourbons, had been in touch with my father since the days when the loyal Royalists were trying to save Queen Marie-Antoinette from the temple, and the two have since reconnected. .He felt responsible to make up for my father's negligence, but he didn't understand my parents' intentions, and the money he gave me every month was pitifully small.The school building was formerly the "Happy" mansion, and like all old noble houses, there was a porter at the front.Before the ghost supervisor took us to Charlemagne Secondary School, there was a period of rest, and the wealthy classmates went to the janitor's house for refreshments.The janitor's name was Duissy, and he was a smuggler through and through; Le Pitt might not know about his business, or he might acquiesce.The students tried their best to curry favor with him for their own interests, because he was the secret umbrella for our violation of school rules, the insider for our overtime return to school, and the middleman who contacted the banned book rental company.During the reign of Napoleon, food prices in the colonies rose and were very expensive. Therefore, drinking a cup of coffee with milk with tea has an aristocratic air.If sugar and coffee are high-end foods on the parents' table, then some of us will feel superior if we eat them.Teenagers are greedy, imitative, and prone to fashion, and even if these factors were not enough, the sense of superiority alone is enough to arouse our strong desires.Duvacy agreed to pay on credit, and he figured we all had sisters, aunts, and aunts who would pay for it, in order to preserve our honour.For a long time, I resisted the temptation of that bar.If those who judged my conduct had understood the power of temptation, my soul's determined yearning for asceticism, my long-denied, suppressed rage, they would have wiped my tears instead of making me weep.After all, I am still a child. How can I have the kind of broad mind to repay the contempt of others with contempt?Besides, feeling that I might have been infected with several social vices, which were aggravated by my elusiveness, my parents came to Paris at the end of my second year.The date of their arrival was given to me by my brother; he lives in Paris and never once visited me.My sisters are traveling together, and our family is going to visit Paris together.On the first day, we planned to have dinner at the Palace Hotel and then go to the nearest Théâtre de France.While this unexpected schedule of entertainment fascinated me, the swiftness of the oncoming situation dulled my interest; and people who have suffered a long time are especially susceptible to emotions.I owe M. Duissy a hundred francs, which I must declare to my parents, since he threatens to collect it from them himself.I intend to let my brother pass the message for Duisi, and let him intercede for me in front of my parents and convey my regret.My father tried to forgive me, but my mother showed no mercy; I was petrified by the stare of her dark blue eyes.A series of terrible curses spit out from her mouth: I am only seventeen years old, and I am messing around like this, what will become of me in the future?Am I really her son?Am I going to destroy my home?Am I the only one at home?My brother Charles is an honorable man, and I'm going to ruin it; he's got a job, shouldn't he have a fortune to himself?My two sisters will get married in the future, can it work without a dowry?Do I not know the value of money, the waste of my life?What are the benefits of sugar and coffee for learning?If this continues, won't you be infected with all the bad habits?Compared with me, Marat is also an angel.This tidal wave of scolding made my heart terrified.After I was reprimanded, I was sent back to school by my brother, and I lost the fortune of eating at the restaurant owned by my brothers in Provence, and I also lost the fortune of watching Talma's performance of "Brittanius".This is the scene where I met my mother after twelve years.

① That is, a private secondary school founded by the Frenchman Le Pitt (1764-1821) on Saint-Louis Street in the Marsh. ②Jean-Paul Marat (1743-1793), the mass leader during the bourgeois revolution in France in 1789, was known as the "friend of the people". The nobles naturally hated him and regarded him as a devil. ③The famous play of Racine, the representative writer of French classicism. When I had finished my humanities studies, my father placed me under the tutelage of M. Le Pitt: I was to study advanced mathematics, take my freshman year of law school, and begin higher education.I lived in an apartment, freed from the shackles of the classroom, thinking that I would be able to say goodbye to poverty for a while.Unexpectedly, even though I was nineteen, or maybe because I was nineteen, my father would still follow the old rules: send me to primary school without decent meals, and send me to middle school without pocket money, forcing me to ask Du Vassi was on credit; when I went to college, the money I was given was still pitifully small.In a place like Paris, what would one do without money?Besides, my freedom is subtly restrained.Mr. Lepit sent a ghost proctor to send me to law school, hand me over to the teachers, and pick me up after class.My mother was afraid that something might happen to me, so she came up with all kinds of precautionary measures, even if she protected a lady, it wouldn't be like this.The world of Paris, of course, worried my parents.The boys' thoughts are also the feelings of the girls in the accommodation.No matter how you control it, you can't control it. Girls can't leave their lovers, and boys can't talk to ladies.However, at that time in Paris, the conversation among classmates was mainly about the Palace Hotel, saying that it was the El Dorado of love, which resembled the palace of the Eastern Sultan.There are gold coins running there at night; there the purest scruples are swept away; there our intense curiosity is satisfied.The Palace Hotel and I are like two asymptotes that can only approach but cannot intersect.See how fate has thwarted my plans.My father had introduced me to an old aunt of mine who lived on the Ile Saint-Louis, at whose house I used to dine every Thursday and Sunday.This is also the day when the Le Pitts go out. Either the husband or the wife will send me there, and pick me up on the way home in the evening.What a strange pastime!The Marquise de Listomaire, who was a dignified person and ceremonial, never thought of giving me a penny.She is as old as an ancient church, with heavy makeup like a person in a painting, dressed in splendid costumes, living in the Marquis, as if Louis XV was still alive.She only receives old ladies.Old nobleman; among these zombies, I really feel like I am in a graveyard.None of them spoke to me, and I didn't have the courage to speak first.My youth seemed to get in the way of them, and I was ashamed of that hostile or indifferent look.However, I felt that this indifference was an opportunity to take advantage of it, and I was thinking about slipping out as soon as dinner was over some day, and ran to the Lagoon Mall.As soon as my aunt played whist, she stopped paying attention to me.The servant named Ran didn't take Mr. Le Pitt seriously either.However, contrary to expectations, this group of old people had weak cheeks and crooked teeth, and the unlucky banquet lasted for a long time.One night at eight or nine o'clock, when I finally ran to the stairs, I felt my heart pounding, just like the day Bianca Capello ② ran away.However, when the porter opened the door for me, I saw Mr. Lepit's carriage parked in the street, and the old gentleman called me out of breath.As fate would have it, three times unexpected circumstances blocked the path between the hell of the Palace Hotel and the paradise of my youth.Twenty-year-old people still don't know anything, I feel deeply ashamed, and one day I will make up my mind to see the world no matter how big the risk is.Monsieur Lepiet was fat and clubfooted, like Louis XVIII, and it was difficult to get into the car, so I took the opportunity to get rid of him.What a coincidence!Just at this moment my mother arrived in a stagecoach.Under her gaze, I stopped, not daring to move, like a bird seeing a snake.How could it be such a coincidence to bump into her?No wonder.At that time, Napoleon was making his final struggle.Foreseeing the restoration of the Bourbon royal family, my father left Tours with my mother and came to Paris to enlighten my brother, who was already serving in the Imperial Foreign Office.The astute men watched closely the advance of the enemy and saw that the capital was in dire straits.My mother came this time to pick me up from danger.When I was about to stumble in Paris, I was taken away in an instant.Life has been difficult for a long time, so I have to restrain my desires, but I can't stop my wild thoughts, my spirit is suffering, and I am depressed all day long, so I devote myself to study, just like a world-weary person who used to live in a monastery.Youth should carry forward their youthful nature and devote themselves to pleasures.However, during that period, I got ringworm from studying and confine myself, which may have an impact on me for the rest of my life.

①El Dorado, Spanish for El Dorado, is located in South America and is a fictional place.During the period of the French Revolution, the Empire period and the early restoration of the Bourbon dynasty, the Palais Royal Hotel was a place where prostitutes gathered, so Balzac described it in this way. ②Bianca Capello (1542-1587), a woman of Venetian aristocratic background, eloped to Florence with her lover Pietro Bonaventure at the age of fifteen. To illustrate the influence of that period on my future, some description of my youth is indispensable; you will be able to appreciate the infinite pathos in it.Due to the influence of various factors that lead to morbidity, after the age of twenty, I am still short in stature, sallow and thin, but my heart is strong and firm.According to the words of an old doctor in Tours, my body seems weak, but it has melted into a steely temperament, and this fusion has been completed.I have read a lot of books, I am diligent in thinking, I maintain a childish body, but I have an old mind; therefore, when I want to see the rugged mountain paths and wild sandy roads of life, I have transcendentally surveyed Learned about life.Unusual circumstances have kept me stuck in the good times of my life.At this period, people's minds are awakened, impulses and desires begin to sprout, and everything is novel and interesting.I was in alternating periods: on the one hand, my studies prolonged my adolescence, and on the other, the green foliage of adulthood was delayed.I have experienced such tempering, and I am better at feeling and full of love than any other young people.If you want to understand my narrative thoroughly, you should revisit the golden age; when a person is young, his mouth has not been stained with the law of lies, and although his eyes are downcast because of shyness and desire, his eyes are innocent. Yes, the mind will never succumb to the secular deceit, the heart is timid, and it can do what is right.

I will not tell you about my journey from Paris to Tours with my mother.Her attitude was very cold, and my feelings were suppressed and it was difficult to burst out.Every time I set off from a station, I made up my mind to speak.However, she stared and said a word, which scared me away from the opening remarks I had carefully typed out.When we arrived in Orleans, my mother scolded me for my lack of words when she was going to bed.I threw myself at her feet, hugged her knees, and poured out my feelings to her with hot tears.In order to impress her, I confessed my heart, telling how much I longed for maternal love, and the tone was enough to touch the heart of a stepmother.However, my mother insisted that I was putting on a show.I complained about being abandoned by my family, and she called me an unworthy child.My heart was broken, and I wanted to die; when I reached Blois, I ran to the bridge of the Loire and tried to drown myself, but I failed because the railing was too high.

Back home, the two older sisters didn't recognize me at all, and they treated me with seven-point surprise and three-point affection.Later, however, they seemed rather brotherly towards me by comparison.My bedroom is on the fourth floor. Just tell you one thing, and you will understand how poor I am. I am a young man of twenty years old, and I still wear the same clothes in Paris. My mother didn't add anything to me for the humble clothes.If I ran from one end of the drawing-room to the other, graciously picking up a handkerchief for her, she thanked me only faintly, as a lady would a servant.I had to watch my mother to see if there was any softness in her heart for my feelings, and it turned out that this tall, thin woman was very selfish and teasing, just like Listomais. Like all the ladies in the Hall of Fame, the degree of insolence is measured by the dowry.In her life, she only values ​​responsibility; all the frosty women I know regard responsibility as the foundation of their lives.She received our adoration as a priest receives incense during Mass; what little motherly love she had in her heart seemed to be consumed by my brother.She speaks bitterly, always taunts us, and knows that we cannot refute, but uses the weapon of a vicious man against us.Despite these barriers, the bond of flesh and blood is still rooted; moreover, the loss of hope in the mother is emotionally difficult to accept; The paradox persists until the day when we are involved in the world and it is finally judged.When the time comes, the sons and daughters avenge themselves, and the indifference born of past disappointments is amplified by their laden wreckage of tainted affection;My mother's incomparable domineering dispelled my wishful thinking about satisfying my desires in Tours.I plunged into my father's library, desperately reading all the books I hadn't read.I was buried in the pile of books all day long, so I could avoid contact with my mother.However, my mental state also deteriorated day by day.My eldest sister, who is married to my cousin, the Marquis de Listomaire, sometimes tried to comfort me, but could not appease my anger.I want to commit suicide. Major changes are brewing in the current situation, but I don't know it at all.The Duke de Angouleme, who was on his way from Bordeaux to Paris to meet Louis XVIII, received a warm welcome in every city he passed.The Bourbon royal family was restored, and ancient France was ecstatic.The entire Touraine area was rejoicing for the legitimate princes, and the whole city of Tours was in high spirits, with lanterns and festoons hung in every house, and residents dressed in festive costumes. It was a busy scene preparing for the celebration, and there was an indescribable and intoxicating atmosphere. , all this makes me long to go to the ball in honor of the prince.At that time, my mother was ill and could not attend the event.However, when I mustered up the courage to express this wish to her, she was furious.Could it be that I came back from the Congo and don't understand anything?How can I imagine that no one in our house is going to the ball?Both father and elder brother are away on business, shouldn't I go?Don't I have a mother?Doesn't she care about her children's happiness at all?The son who was almost denied became an important person in an instant.I was equally astonished by the sudden increase in my value, and by the teasing reasoning my mother gave in response to my plea.I asked my sister privately and found out that my mother likes to play tricks like this when she does things. In fact, she is rushing to make clothes for me.All the tailors in Tours were surprised by her request, and no one dared to accept my clothes.She had to hand over the work to the woman who came to work; according to the custom of the provinces.Temporary female workers must be able to make all kinds of clothing.In this way, a light blue dress secretly prepared for me was finally completed.Long silk stockings and thin-soled pumps are not difficult to buy; men's vests are fashionable and short, and I can wear one of my father's.For the first time in my life, I wore a shirt with a placket, and the tubular pleats in the tie knot accentuated my chest.I dressed up, my appearance changed drastically, and after listening to my sister's praise, I had the courage to appear at the rally in Touraine.Easier said than done!There are too many people going, how many of them can stand out!Thanks to my thin body, I was able to crawl under a tent in the garden of Papion House, near the prince's seat.It was the first time I attended a public ball, and the lights, vermilion curtains, gold ornaments, rich costumes, and diamond jewels all dazzled me, and for a moment I was suffocated with heat.A group of men and women behind me came forward to hug me, they crowded around, bumped into each other, and kicked up dust. "Long live the Duke de Angouleme! Long live the King! Long live the House of Bourbon!" The roar of cheers drowned out the loud brass band and military music singing the praises of the House of Bourbon.Everyone is crazy, and everyone is scrambling to worship the rising sun of Bourbon.I watched this kind of veritable cronyism with a cold eye, and felt that I was very small, so I couldn't help but reflect on myself. I was swept into this whirlwind like a straw, with a childish desire to be the Duke de Angoulême, among the princes who swagger before the terrified crowd.我这都兰人可笑的非分之想，倒引发一种雄心；而后由于我的性格和时局的变化，这种雄心变得非常高尚了。谁不艳羡这种崇拜呢？数月之后，我又一次目睹这种宏大的场面：皇帝①从厄尔巴岛卷土重来，巴黎倾城相迎。芸芸众生把感情与生命倾注在一个人身上，这种对民众的影响力使我突然立志，要一生追求荣名。今天，主持荣耀的女祭司残害法国人，如同古代德落伊教②女祭司拿高卢人祭祀一样。接着，我又同一个女子不期而遇，后来正是她不断激发我的抱负，把我投进王国的政治中心，使我如愿以偿。我过分胆怯，又怕认错面孔，不敢邀请人跳舞，待在那儿手足无措，自然怏怏不乐。我挤在人群里熙来攘去，皮鞋又紧又热，两脚胀得难受，我正感到不自在，不料又被一名军官踩了一下，更为扫兴，真想离开舞场，但根本出不去，只好躲到一个角落，在一张空长椅的一端坐下，一动不动，两眼发直，心里憋气。一位女子见我身形瘦小，误认为我是个孩子，坐在那儿昏昏欲睡，等待母亲尽了兴好回家，于是她宛如鸟儿回巢一样，轻盈地坐到我的身边。我立刻闻到一股女子的芳香，只觉得心旷神恰；自此以后，这种芳香就犹如东方诗歌一样充溢我的心田。我瞧瞧身边的女子，感到她比舞会还要光彩夺目，使我充满了快乐。您若是完全理解我前一段的生活，就能推见心中涌现的情感。我的目光一下被雪白丰腴的双肩吸引住，真想伏在上面翻滚；这副肩膀白里微微透红，仿佛因为初次袒露而羞赧似的，它也有一颗灵魂；在灯光下，它的皮肤有如锦缎一般流光溢彩，中间分出一道线；我的目光比手胆大，顺着线条看下去，不由得心突突直跳，我挺直身子瞧她的胸脯，只见一对丰满滚圆的球体，贞洁地罩着天蓝色罗纱，惬意地卧在花边的波浪里，直看得我心荡神迷。少女般的颈项柔媚细腻，光亮的秀发梳出一条条白缝，犹如清新的田间小路，任我的想像驰骋，这一切使我丧失理智。我看准周围无人注意，便像孩子投进母亲怀抱一样，头埋在她的后背上，连连吻她的双肩。这女子惊叫一声，但叫声淹没在乐声中，无人听见。她回过身，一看是我，责问道：“先生！”啊！倘若她说：“你这小家伙，怎么啦？”我也许会杀掉她。然而，听到这声“先生！”我的热泪便夺眶而出。她那高贵的灰发冠冕，同妩媚的颈项显得多么和谐，而眼里却含着圣洁的恼怒，使我一时瞠目结舌。她脸上泛起红晕，不过，嗔怪的神情已为宽容的态度所缓解，因为她理解由她引起的一种冲动，并从我痛悔的眼泪中，看出我对她的无限仰慕。她走了，那姿态像王后。我感到自己的处境多么可笑，这才醒悟自己的打扮犹如萨瓦人的猴子。我惭愧，我呆若木雕，但仍在品味我偷窃的苹果，嘴唇上还存留我吮吸的血气的温煦，心中毫无悔意，目光追踪那位下凡的仙女。初次的肉体接触使我的心亢奋不已，直到人已散尽，我还在舞场徘徊，但再也没有见到那位陌生的女子，只好回府安歇，可我的心灵已经蜕变了。 ①即拿破仑一世，他于1815年3月1日离开厄尔巴岛在法国登陆，5月20日重返巴黎，同年6月18日，在滑铁卢败于盟军。这段历史称“百日政变”。 ②古代克尔特人及高卢人信奉德落伊教。 一颗新灵魂，一颗有绚丽翅膀的灵魂破壳而生。我心爱的星，从我瞻仰它的蓝色苍穹上降临，化为女子的身影，但仍然是那样明亮、晶莹，那样清新。我遽然萌生了爱情，却不知道爱情是什么。男子最炽热的感情头一次闯入心扉，这不是非常奇特的吗？我在舅母的沙龙里也见过几位美丽的女子，可是没有一位给我留下什么印象。在一个男子春心荡漾的时候，难道要有一定的时辰、一定星宿的际遇、一定时机的巧合，以及一个非他莫属的女子，才会产生专一的爱情吗？想到我的意中人生活在都兰地区，我呼吸都格外畅快，觉得湛蓝天空的色调是我在任何地方所未见到的。虽然我的精神异常兴奋，可是外表看来却像害了大病，我母亲又担心又内疚。犹如预感到灾难降临的动物，我蟋缩在花园的角落里，回味偷来的一吻。那次难忘的舞会过去几天之后，母亲见我荒废学业，神色怏怏，对她威逼的目光毫无惧色，对她的冷嘲热讽也无动于衷，认为这是性情骤变的缘故；到我这年龄的青年人都要经历这样的心理危机。医学对这种病态根本不知究竟，而乡间就被认为是医治它的千古不易的良方，是使我摆脱萎靡不振的精神状态的灵丹妙药。我母亲决定让我到弗拉佩斯勒去住几天；那座古堡坐落在安德尔河畔，位于蒙巴宗和阿泽屏两个小镇之间。古堡的主人是她的朋友，当然得到她的秘密嘱托。我在爱情的海洋中拼命游，到下乡那天，竟然游到了彼岸。我不知道那位陌生女子的芳名，如何呼唤她，到哪儿能找到她呢？再说，我又能向谁提起她呢？年轻人初恋时会产生无法解释的疑惧；我性格腼腆，疑惧更大，无望的恋情最后才会变成忧郁，而我一开始便被这种情绪笼罩，但求到田野里游荡奔跑。我怀着儿童那种无所怀疑的、颇具骑士风范的勇气，打算徒步旅行，搜遍都兰地区的乡间别墅，每望见一座秀丽的塔楼，就要自言自语：“她就在那儿！” 于是，一个星期四的早晨，我从圣埃卢瓦门出图尔城，穿过救世主桥，来到蓬舍村，遇见房子就抬头看看，最后上了希农大道。这是我有生以来第一次自由行动，无人干涉，要走就走，要停就停，想快就快，想慢就慢。青年人无一例外，都或多或少受各种专制力量的压抑。对我这受尽压制的可怜人来说，第一次按照自己的意志行事，哪怕事情微不足道，也会给心灵带来说不出的欢快。种种情由作美，这一天像过节一样喜气洋洋。少年时，我散步离城没超过一法里。无论是在勒瓦桥附近还是在巴黎游玩，我都没有领略过田野的自然风光。不过，我幼年时对图尔景色十分熟悉，记忆中保留了这种美感。虽然初出茅庐，还不善于鉴赏风景的诗情画意，我却不自觉地要求很高，如同缺乏艺术实践的人，起始就想得非常完美那样。要去弗拉佩斯勒古堡，步行或骑马都可以抄近路，从一片荒野穿过去。那片以查理曼大帝命名的荒野是不毛之地，坐落在一条岭岗之巅，岭岗两侧便是谢尔溪谷和安德尔河谷。到了尚匹那里，可以走斜插岭岗的一条路。荒野地势平坦，布满沙石，约摸一法里长的路景色凄凉，再过一片灌木林，便到萨榭乡路，萨榭即弗拉佩斯勒所在的乡名。萨榭乡路沿着起伏不大的平野，过了巴朗很远，直到阿尔塔纳那个小地方，才通上希农大道。那里展现一座山谷，起自蒙巴宗镇，延至卢瓦尔河。两边山峦有腾跃之势，上面古堡错落有致；整个山谷宛如一个翡翠杯，安德尔河在谷底蜿蜒流过。或许由于荒野小径过分寂寥，或许由于旅途劳顿，一望见幽谷的景色，我不禁大为惊叹，顿觉心旷神恰。“那位女子是女性之花，如果说她住在人间，那一定是此地了！”我一产生这个念头，便倚到一棵核桃树上烈这天起，我每次来到可爱的山谷，总要在这棵树下停歇。如今，我来到这棵深解我的情思的树下，探究自从我离开之后的这段时间，心境发生了什么变化。她就在这里，我的心绝不会欺骗我：荒坡上头一座小古堡，就是她的居所。我坐在核桃树下望去，只见在正午的太阳照耀下，青石屋顶和玻璃窗烟烟闪光。我注意到在一棵白桃树下，葡萄架中间，有一个白点，那是她的轻纱长裙。可能您已经知道她就是这座幽谷的百合花，为天地而生长，满谷飘溢着她美德的馨香。而她自己却毫无党察。无限的柔情充满我的心灵，它没有别种滋养，只有那依稀可见的身影。然而我觉得，那绿岸夹护、碧波粼粼的长长水带，那装点爱情之谷的摇曳多姿的行行白杨、那弯弯曲曲的岸边坡地的葡萄园中脱颖而出的片片橡林、那渐渐远逝而色调变幻的空滔天际，都在表述这种爱情。您想要观赏如未婚妻一般美丽而贞洁的自然风光，请您春天去那里吧；您想要平复您心灵上涔涔流血的伤口，请您晚秋再去那里吧。春天，爱情在那里振翅凌空翱翔；秋天，可以在那里缅怀已经长逝的人们。肺病患者，可以在那里呼吸有益健康的清新空气，目光可以落在金黄树丛上休憩，任树丛把甜美的宁静传给心灵。这时空谷回响，那是安德尔河飞流上的座座磨坊吟呜，白杨搔首弄姿，笑容可掬，晴空万里，百鸟鸣啭，蝉声阵阵，一切都那么悦耳和谐。不要再追问我为什么爱上都兰吧！我爱它，既不像人们爱自己的摇篮，也不像人们爱沙漠中的一块绿洲；我爱它如同艺术家爱艺术；诚然，我爱它不如爱您这样炽热，可是没有都兰，也许我早已不在人间。不知道为什么，我的眼睛总是盯着那个白点，盯着绿园中那个女子；她在绿丛中显得格外光艳，宛若一触即凋的铃状旋花。我心情激动，步入这个花篮的里端，不久便望见一个村落，由于诗意正浓，看那村庄简直举世无双。请您想像一下，几个婀娜多姿的小岛，环绕着三座磨坊；岛上覆盖着一簇簇树丛，周围是一片水草地，不如此称谓，还能给这些绿草起什么名字呢？萋萋的水草，翠绿翠绿的，铺在河面上，又超出水面，随着水流起伏波动，在磨轮击水形成的漩涡中偃伏。河中疏疏落落露出些石头，水波击石，散落成流苏状，在阳光下粼粼耀眼。孤挺花、粉红睡莲、白睡莲、灯心草、福禄考，宛如精美的壁毯，装饰着两岸。一座小桥摇摇晃晃，梁木已朽，桥墩上开满鲜花，栏杆也覆盖着茂盛的青草与绿茵茵的苔藓，向河面倾斜，却没有塌毁。几只破旧的小船、几张渔网、还有牧人单调的歌声；一群群鸭子在小岛之间嬉游，或在卢瓦尔河水冲下来的粗沙滩上舒翅；磨坊工人帽子压在耳朵上，正忙着给骡子装驮；这种种细节，给这幅画面增添了惊人的天真气氛。请想像一下，过了桥，便看见三两座农舍、一间鸽棚、几座墙角塔；还有三十来座简陋的房子，由园子和忍冬、茉莉、铁线莲长成的绿篱隔开；每户门前的肥料堆上都开满鲜花，公鸡母鸡在路上闲逛。这就是日昂桥村，一座明媚秀丽的村庄。村中高矗一座古老的教堂，是十字军时代的建筑，很有特色，也是画家喜欢人画的景物。请您在整个画面的四周，画上胡桃古木、淡黄叶丛的幼杨；在云蒸霞蔚的天空下，一望无际的辽阔草场中间，再添上几种园中建筑，您对这个美丽的地方就会窥见一斑了。我沿着河左岸的萨榭乡路，边走边观赏，看那布满对岸的丘丘壑壑。最后走入一座园子，园中的百年大树表明，这便是弗拉佩斯勒古堡了。我到达时，正巧响起午餐钟声。主人绝没有想到我是从图尔徒步而来的，饭后便带我出去，到他的庄园转了一圈。我从各个角度观赏了山谷的千姿百态，此处只见一线，别处又豁然开朗；卢瓦尔河宛如一把精致的金刀，常常把我的目光引向天际，只见粼粼碧波中间，帆影幢幢，趁风疾驶。我登上一个峰顶，第一次欣赏到阿泽古堡，这颗经过琢磨的钻石，镶嵌在安德尔河上，下面衬托着雕花的桩基。接着，我望见坐落在谷底一隅的萨榭古堡，它的体态巍峨和谐，引人遐思，然而大凄清、太肃穆，不适于浮华的人逗留，却是愁肠百结的诗人的好去处。我受此感染，后来也爱上了寂静、树顶光秃的乔木。爱上了幽谷中无名的神秘气氛！但是，那坐落在斜坡上的、被我一眼选中的小古堡，我每次望见都意倾神往，久久凝视。 “喂！”主人在我的眼神里，发现年轻人总是十分天真地流露出来的欲念的闪光，不禁说道，“您远远就觉察出有个漂亮女子，就像狗嗅到猎物一样。” 我不爱听他这后半句话，不过，我还是向他打听小古堡的名称、主人的姓名。 “那是葫芦钟堡，建筑很好看，是德·莫尔索伯爵的宅邸。他是都兰地区一个世族的后裔；他家在路易十一①朝代开始发迹，这一姓氏表明他祖先历过奇险，从而赢得了纹章和封号。他一个先辈幸免绞刑之难，因此，全家人都戴金质黑色小型十字徽章；徽章上下呈T字形和倒T字形，中心有一朵枝茎截断的金色百合花，题铭为：'主佑吾王陛下'。伯爵流亡回国后，便在这个宅邸安了家。这份产业是他妻子的。德·莫尔索夫人是独生女，她娘家勒农库，即勒农库一吉弗里世家，眼看就要绝嗣了。伯爵一家财产微薄，同夫妇二人的显赫姓氏形成奇特的对比。也许出于自尊心，也许迫不得已，他们始终守在葫芦钟堡，杜门谢客。直到目前为止，他们深居简出还有情可原，只为眷恋波旁王室；不过我怀疑，国王回来，他们也未必改变生活方式。去年，我来到这里居住，曾对他们进行一次礼节性的拜访；他们回访了，并邀请我们吃饭。冬季，双方有几个月没有来往；后来又发生了政治事变，推延了我们返回的日期。我回到弗拉佩斯勒的时间不长。德·莫尔索夫人无论到什么地方，都是首屈一指的女子。” ①路易十一（1423—1483），法国国王，于1461年至1483年间在位。 “她常去图尔吗？” “从来不去。哦，”他又改口道，“她最近去过，就是德·昂古莱姆公爵路经图尔的那次。公爵对德·莫尔索先生优礼相待。” “正是她！”我失声高叫。 “谁呀，她？” “肩膀很美的女子。” “肩膀美的女子，您在都兰一带能见到很多，”他笑道，“真的，您若是不累，我们可以过河，到葫芦钟堡去。到了那儿，您再辨认辨认，是不是您说的那副肩膀。” 我又高兴又羞愧，红着脸同意了。将近下午四点钟，我们到达我的目光长时间爱抚的小古堡。这个建筑其实挺普通，但与周围景物相得益彰。它坐北向南，正面有五扇窗户，两头的两扇各突出约两图瓦兹①，模拟两座楼阁，这种建筑技巧，给这座古堡增彩添色。中间的窗户兼作楼门，下两层台阶便是梯状花园；最低一层有洋槐椿树掩映，隔一条乡路，就是沿安德尔河边的一长条草地，但看上去还像是花园的组成部分；因为那条土路低四，一侧紧贴梯园，另一侧护着诺曼底式的绿篱。坡地平整成梯田，使房舍与河流距离适宜，既避免临水产生的妨害，又不失依山傍水的风致。古堡下方建有库棚、马厩、贮藏室、厨房，全是安的拱形门。古堡顶棱角分明，栩栩生姿；顶室有雕花小窗棂，山墙上饰有铅皮制的花束。在大革命时期，房顶无疑失修，上面像生了锈一般，平平地铺了一层淡红色苔藓；朝南的房顶就好生这种藓类。台阶正门上方建有一个钟楼，上面雕着布拉蒙一绍弗里的盾形纹章：纹章等分成四个口状，面上是蓝色和银色交替的纵条纹，两侧各有一只肉包与金色手掌，各握一条人字条纹的黑色长枪。题铭为：“万人可睹，一人莫触！”这给我留下强烈的印象。纹章的支撑图案是一条龙和一只狮身鹰头怪兽，张着大口，金链锁住，雕得十分精美。纹章上的公爵桂冠，以及顶端的金果绿色棕榈树，大革命时期给毁坏了。1789年之前，公安委员会秘书瑟纳尔被赶出了萨榭②，建筑遭到损坏也就不足为奇了。 ①法国旧长度单位，一图瓦兹合1.9449米。 ②根据史实，瑟纳尔并未被赶出萨榭，而是从1786年起，几度出任伊斯勒·布夏尔地区司法官，萨榭在其辖内。1791年，他在都兰成为革命委员会主席，曾对贵族实行恐怖统治。