Chapter 12 Chapter Twelve

From then on to the two months before the beginning of spring, I saw Shimamoto almost every week.She pops up every now and then.She also went to the bar over there, but she still came to "Robbins Nestor" more often.I usually come after nine o'clock, sit at the bar and drink two or three glasses of cocktails, and go back around eleven o'clock.When she was there, I would sit next to her and talk to her.I don't know what the employees think of my relationship with her, but I don't take this very seriously, just like I didn't mind how my classmates thought of our relationship when I was in elementary school.

Sometimes she called the store and suggested meeting somewhere at noon tomorrow.We mostly meet at a cafe in Omotesando, and the two of us have a quick meal and walk around the area.The time she spent with me was roughly two hours, and no longer than three hours.When it was time to go back, she glanced at her watch, looked at me and smiled slightly: "Okay, I have to go back." The smile was still the same charming smile as before, but I couldn't read the emotional ripples in her heart at that time, even I couldn't read whether she was sad or not very sad that she had to go, or if she was relieved to be parted from me, and I couldn't even confirm whether she had a need to return at that time.

In any case, in the two or three hours leading up to the parting moment, we were quite engaged in talking, but I never put my arms around her shoulders or her took my hand again.We no longer touch each other physically. On the streets of Tokyo, Shimamoto returned to his usual calm and charming smile.I have never witnessed the violent emotional ups and downs of that cold February day in Ishikawa Prefecture.Gone was the warm and natural intimacy that had then developed between the two of us, and we never spoke of what happened during that strange short trip, though there was no agreement. As I walked beside her, I wondered what was in her heart and where it would lead her from now on.I gaze into her eyes from time to time, but there is only peaceful silence there.That thin line on the eyelid still reminds me of a distant horizon.Now I feel like I understand more or less the loneliness Izumi felt about me in high school.In Shimamoto's heart, there is a small isolated world that belongs only to her, which only she knows and accepts, and I cannot step into it.

The door opened to me only once, and it is now closed. Whenever I think about it, I feel confused, not knowing what is right and what is wrong.In a trance, he seemed to return to the cowardly 12-year-old boy who was at a loss.In front of her, I often don't know what to do and what to say, and I can't judge. I tried to calm down and use my brain, but it didn't work.It feels like I always say the wrong things to her and do the wrong things, and no matter what I say or do, she always looks at me with a charming smile that seems to swallow all the emotions of Ge, as if saying "It's okay, it's okay like this ".

I know next to nothing about Shimamoto's current situation.I don't know where she lives, who she lives with, where her income comes from, or whether she's married or ever married.It is only known that she gave birth to a child once, and the child died the next day.That was last February.Besides, she said she had never worked once.Yet she always wears high-end clothes, she always wears high-end accessories, and that means she's earning a lot of money somewhere.That's all I can count on knowing about her.She was supposed to be married when the baby was born, right?Of course, there is no definite basis for this, it is nothing more than speculation.Not being married doesn't mean you can't have children.

Even so, Shimamoto still talked about some things in junior high school and high school, as if she thought that time had no direct relationship with the current situation, and it was okay to talk about it.From this I learned what solitary days and nights she passed.She treats everyone around her as equally as possible, and doesn't justify anything she encounters. "I don't want to justify." She said, "Once people start to justify, they will continue to justify endlessly. I don't want to live like that." However, that way of living didn't have much effect on her at that time, There were still many unnecessary misunderstandings with the people around her, and those misunderstandings deeply hurt her heart. She gradually closed herself up and often vomited when she got up in the morning-because she hated going to school.

She showed me a picture from high school once.In the photo, Shimamoto sits on a chair in a garden surrounded by blooming flowers.It's summer, and she's wearing denim shorts and a white T-shirt.She is indeed beautiful, and she is sending a charming smile to the camera. Although the smile is not without blunt than now, it is also an incomparable smile.In a sense, the only way to touch people's heartstrings is to laugh without being relieved.I can't tell that it is the smile of a lonely girl who lives in misfortune every day. "You look absolutely happy from this picture," I said.

Shimamoto shook his head slowly, charming wrinkles gathered at the corners of his eyes as if recalling some past scene. "Let me tell you, Chu Jun, nothing can be seen in the photo, it's just a shadow. The real me is in another place, not reflected in the photo." She said. The photo made my heart ache.It made me really feel how much time I had lost in the past—precious time that can never be recovered, time that no amount of effort can get back, time that only existed in the then and the place.I stared at the photo for a long, long time. "Why are you so focused?" Shimamoto asked.

"To fill time," I said, "I haven't seen you in over twenty years, and I want to fill that gap, at least a little bit." She looked at me with a seemingly incomprehensible smile, as if there was something unusual on my face. "It's also really weird—you want to fill the void of that time, and I want to make it somewhat void," she said. From junior high school to high school, Shimamoto never had a boyfriend.Anyway, she is a beautiful girl after all, and it is not uncommon for people to initiate conversations, but she hardly associates with those boys.Efforts have also been made in this regard, but the duration is not long.

"It must be because I don't like boys that age. You know? Boys that age are so rough, thinking of themselves, with nothing on their minds but sticking hands up girls' skirts. When that happens, I I'm just too disappointed. What I'm after is the kind of thing that existed when I was with you in the past." "Hey, Shimamoto, when I was sixteen, I was just thinking about myself, and I was also a rough boy who only thought about putting his hand up a girl's skirt. It's true." "Then, fortunately, we didn't meet at that time, maybe." Shimamoto smiled softly, "We separated when we were twelve years old, and we met unexpectedly at thirty-seven... For us, I'm afraid That couldn't be more appropriate."

"real?" "Now you are more or less starting to think about things other than reaching out to girls' skirts, right?" "More or less," I said, "more or less. But if you're worried about what's going on in my head, it's safe to wear long pants next time we meet." Shimamoto put his hands on the table and stared at it for a long time with a smile.There is still no ring on the finger.She often wears bracelets, watches of different designs, and earrings, but no rings. "Besides, I don't like being a burden to boys." She said, "You know? I can't do many things. I can't go outing, swimming, ice skating, disco dancing. I can't even go for a walk. .In terms of what I can do, it’s limited to two people sitting together talking or listening to music, and boys at that age can’t bear it for a long time. I don’t want to do that, at least I don’t want to drag others down.” Saying so, she took a sip of mineral water with lemon in it.It was a warm afternoon in mid-March, and among the crowd walking on Omotesando, young people had already changed into half-sleeved shirts. "Even if I dated you at that time, I must have become a burden to you in the end, I think. You must be tired of me, you must want to fly to a more dynamic and wider world, and that result is not good for me. It's good." "Look at you, Shimamoto," I said, "that's not going to happen. I don't think I'll ever get tired of you. Why, because there's something special between you and me, and I know that very well. It can’t be expressed verbally, but that thing is indeed there, and it is very, very precious. I think you also understand it in your heart.” Shimamoto looked at me intently without changing his expression. "I'm no big deal, nothing to be proud of, and more brutish, arrogant, and insensitive than I've ever been. So, it may be hard to say I'm the right person for you. But one thing is for sure: I'll never tire of you .I'm different from other people in that. As far as you are concerned, I'm really special, I can feel it." Shimamoto once again turned his attention to his hands on the table, and spread them lightly as if checking the shape of his fingers. "Well, Mr. Chu," she said, "it's a pity that something can't go back. Once you push it forward, you can't go back. No matter how hard you try, it won't help. A little bit—then you can only make mistakes." We went to a concert together, listening to Liszt's piano concerto.Shimamoto called and asked if I had time to go with her, a famous South American pianist.I found time to go to the concert hall in Ueno with her.The performance is wonderful, the technique is impeccable, the music itself is euphemistic and delicate, the artistic conception is profound, and the passion of the performers is everywhere.However, I can't indulge in it anyway, and it's useless to close my eyes and concentrate.There seems to be a thin curtain between the performer and me. Although it is so thin, it prevents me from reaching the opposite side.When I said this after the concert, it turned out that Shimamoto felt the same way as I did. "What do you think is wrong with the performer?" Shimamoto asked. "I think the performance is excellent." "Remember? On the record we listened to, there were two small stylus noises at the end of the second movement, creaking and creaking." I said, "Without that noise, I couldn't calm down. " Shimamoto said with a smile: "It's hard to say that this is an artistic end." "Whether it's art or not, I'll feed it to the vultures. No matter what anyone says, I just like the noise of the needle." "Maybe that's true," Shimamoto admitted. "But what the hell is a vulture? A vulture? I know a vulture, but I don't know what a vulture is." On the tram ride home, I explained to her in detail how vultures and vultures are different: the difference in habitat, the difference in call, the difference in mating period. "What the vulture eats is art, what the vulture eats is the corpse of an unknown being. It's quite different." "What a weirdo!" After laughing, she lightly touched her shoulder to mine on the tram seat.This was the only physical contact we had in two months. So March passed and April came.The younger daughter also went to the same kindergarten as the older daughter.After both daughters left, Yukiko joined a community volunteer service group and helped out at welfare facilities for children with disabilities.Usually I send my daughter to kindergarten and then pick her up. If I don’t have time, my wife will pick her up for me.As the children grow up day by day, I know that I am getting older day by day.No matter what I think, children are going to grow up on their own anyway.I certainly love my daughters and it has been a great blessing to see them grow.But when I actually saw them grow like a month, I felt suffocating pain from time to time, as if a tree in my body was growing and expanding forcibly, thus oppressing my internal organs, muscle skin bone.This feeling made my chest tight and I couldn't even sleep. I see Shimamoto once a week.Sending off my daughter to pick up my daughter, and holding my wife several times a week.After meeting Shimamoto, I hugged Noriko more often than before.But not out of guilt, but trying to forcefully connect himself somewhere by holding Noriko and being hugged by Yukiko. "Hey, what's going on, you're a little abnormal lately!" Yukiko said to me one afternoon after I finished hugging her, "I haven't heard of a man who suddenly becomes stronger at the age of thirty-seven." "I can't talk about whether it is strong or not, it's average." I said. Yukiko looked at my face for a while, then shook her head lightly: "Well, I really don't know what's in your head." When I was free, I listened to Western classical music while staring blankly at Qingshan Cemetery from the living room window.I no longer read books like I used to, and it gradually becomes difficult to bury my head in reading. I ran into the young woman who was riding the Mercedes 260E a few times since then.While waiting for their daughter to come out of the kindergarten gate, the two chatted from time to time.The chats were mostly everyday gossip that only people who live near Aoyama can communicate: where is the supermarket parking lot relatively empty at which time, where the Italian restaurant has changed the chef and the taste has deteriorated, the Meijiya department store will open next month Imported wine price reduction day and so on.That's all, I thought to myself, wouldn't this become a "chat by the well" for housewives!Anyway, this kind of content is the only common topic of our conversation.Shimamoto stopped appearing again in mid-April.The last time we met, we were sitting at the Robbins Nestor bar talking.Unfortunately, just before ten o'clock, another bar called and I had to go. "Come back in about thirty or forty minutes." I said to Shimamoto. "Okay, it's okay, just go. I'll read a book and wait." Shimamoto smiled. After finishing the matter, I hurried back to take a look, and there was no sign of her beside the bar.It was just after eleven o'clock.She wrote me a message on the back of the matchbox in the store and put it on the counter: "Maybe I won't be able to come here for a while. I have to go back. Goodbye. Take care." For a while after that, my heart was empty and I didn't know what to do.I wandered around at home inexplicably, wandered around the streets, picked up my daughter very early, chatted with the 260E woman, and even went to a nearby cafe for coffee with her.They still talked about those: Kinokuniya’s vegetables, Natural House’s fertilized eggs, Mickey’s House’s sale days, etc.She said that she is a fan of "Inaba·Yoshie" clothing, and bought everything she needed through the sample catalog before the season came.Then he talked about a delicious eel restaurant that used to be located near the Omotesando police station and is now gone.Talking like this, we're pretty much on good terms.You can't tell from the outside, but in fact, she has a quite straightforward personality.But I'm not interested in her sexually, I'm just looking for someone - whoever - to talk to.And what I wanted was a conversation that was as neutral as possible, one that would not link me to Shimamoto anyway. When I have nothing to do, I go shopping.At one point bought six shirts.Buy toys and dolls for her daughter, and clothes for Yukiko.I also went to the BMW showroom many times, looking left and right at the M5.I had no intention of buying it, but I listened to the detailed introduction of the salesman. After weeks of being so restless, I was able to put my energy back into work.After all, it cannot last forever.I called a designer and a professional decorator to discuss how to redecorate the bar.It has reached the stage of changing the decoration style and re-studying the management policy.Generally, there is a period of stability and a period of seeking change when opening a store, just like everyone else.If the same environment continues for too long, the vitality of everything will gradually decrease.Some time ago, I had a vague feeling that it was time to seek a change.Hanging gardens are by no means boring.I decided to partially remodel the first bar first, replacing the equipment that didn't work well in practice, and removing the inconveniences that had to be kept because of the priority of design style, in order to better meet the functional needs.It was time for the audio equipment and the air-conditioning equipment to be overhauled as well.In addition, the recipe needs to be greatly adjusted.Before starting work, I listened to the on-site experience of each employee, and made a detailed list of where and how to modify it. The list turned out to be quite long.I told the designer in detail the specific image of the new store formed in my mind, and asked him to draw a drawing based on it. After drawing, I asked him to draw again, and this was repeated many times.I pondered the materials one by one, asked the material supplier to quote the price, and checked the quality of the materials one by one according to the price. It took me three weeks to choose a countertop for the bathroom.For three weeks, I searched all the stores in Tokyo City to find the ideal countertop.This kind of work keeps me busy, which is exactly what I want. May passed, and June came, but Shimamoto still hadn't appeared, and I guessed she was gone forever.She wrote that she would not be able to come "probably in the future". The two ambiguous expressions "probably" and "some time" tormented me with their ambiguity. She may return sometime, but I can't just sit there and wait for the "probably" and "some time". If this kind of life continues, I will soon become distraught.In short, I keep myself busy all the time, so that my nerves are highly concentrated.I go to the pool more often than I used to, and every morning I swim a two-kilometer or so in one breath, and then I lift weights in the upstairs gym.In less than a week, the muscles began to scream, and the left leg cramped while waiting for the traffic light, and he couldn't even step on the clutch pedal immediately.But it didn't take long for the muscles to accept this amount of exercise as a matter of course. Intense work has given me no time to fantasize, and insisting on exercising every day has given me energy for daily work.So I stopped wasting my time and tried my best no matter what I did.Wash your face carefully when you wash your face, and listen to music carefully when you listen to music.In fact, only in this way can I live a good life. In the summer, I take Yukiko and the children to spend the night at a villa in Hakone on weekends.Leaving Tokyo and being in nature, both his wife and daughter seemed at ease.The mother and daughter are picking flowers, watching birds with binoculars, chasing and playing, playing in the river, or just lying leisurely in the yard together.But I don't think they know the truth.If the flight to Tokyo had been canceled on that snowy day, I might have left everything behind and flew away with Shimamoto and the others.That day I could put all my eggs in one basket, whether it was work, family or money, everything could be easily thrown away.Even now I still think about Shimamoto, I really remember the feeling of hugging Shimamoto's shoulder and kissing her cheek, and I can't get the image of Shimamoto out of my mind during the sex with my wife.No one knows what I really think, just like I don't know what Shimamoto thinks. I spent my summer remodeling bars.When my wife and two daughters went to Hakone, I stayed alone in Tokyo and gave advice on the renovation site.Go to the swimming pool when you have time, and continue to lift weights in the gym.Went to Hakone on the weekend, and went swimming in the swimming pool of the Fujiya Hotel with my two daughters, had dinner after swimming, and slept with my wife at night. Although I was about to enter what people would call middle age, I had absolutely no excess body fat, no signs of thinning hair, not a single gray hair.Due to my insistence on sports, I didn't feel any decline in physical strength.He lives in an orderly manner, pays attention not to overeating, never gets sick, and looks only in his early thirties. Wife likes to touch my naked body.Love touching my muscles, stroking my flat belly, fiddling with my thing.She also started to go to the gym to exercise seriously, but the excess fat on her body lingered anyway. "It's a pity, it's getting old." She sighed, "Even if you lose weight, you can't lose the belly fat." "But I like your body, why bother to lose weight and exercise so much. It's not bad, and you're not very fat." I said, and I wasn't lying.I love her soft limbs with a thin layer of fat, and I love touching her bare back. This may be a perfect life in the eyes of others, and it even seems perfect in my own eyes at times.I work passionately and earn a fair amount of money.I have a three-bedroom house in Aoyama, a small villa in the Hakone Mountains, a BMW and a Jeep Cherokee, and a perfect happy family. I love my wife and two daughters.What else am I looking for in life?Even if wives and daughters come to me and bow their heads to express that they want to be better wives and daughters and want to be loved more by me, I hope I will bluntly point out what they should do next. I am afraid I have nothing to say.I really have no dissatisfaction with them, nor with the family, and can think of a more comfortable life. However, after Shimamoto stopped showing up, I sometimes feel that this place is alive with the surface of the moon without air.If Shimamoto is not there, there will be no places where I can open my heart, even if I search all over the world.During sleepless nights, I do not know how many times I quietly thought of the snowy Komatsu Airport in bed.I hope that the memory will be worn out in the process of repeated thinking.However, the memory has not worn away at all, but has become more vivid: the notice on the airport display board that the departure of the All Nippon Airways flight to Tokyo was delayed appeared.Outside the window, snowflakes were blowing, and there was nothing to be seen fifty meters away.Shimamoto folded his arms and sat motionless on the bench.She was wearing a navy jacket and a scarf around her neck, and she smelled of tears and grief, and I can smell it now.His wife let out a peaceful sleep by his side.She was completely in the dark.I closed my eyes and shook my head.She was completely in the dark. I think of putting melted snow into Shimamoto's mouth mouth to mouth in the parking lot of a defunct bowling alley, of Shimamoto cradled in my arms on the plane seat, of the closed eyes and the slight sigh Open lips.Her body was so soft and lifeless.She really needed me then, and her heart was opened for me.But there I stopped, in a world as empty and lifeless as the surface of the moon.Soon Shimamoto left, and my life was lost again. Vivid memories lead to insomnia in the middle of the night, sometimes waking up at two or three o'clock in the middle of the night and unable to fall asleep again.Then I got out of bed and went to the kitchen and poured whiskey into a glass and drank it.From the window I could see the darkened cemetery and the lights of cars speeding down the road below the cemetery.I stared at the scene in front of me with the bottle in hand.The time that connects midnight and dawn is dark and long, and sometimes I even think how happy it would be to cry.But I don't know why I cry, I don't know who I cry for.If you cry for others, you are too self-righteous; if you cry for yourself, you are too old. Autumn followed.When autumn came, my heart generally settled down.Such a life cannot go on forever - this is my final conclusion.