Chapter 7 Chapter VII

I got married when I was thirty.I met her when I was traveling alone during the summer vacation.She is five years younger than me.While walking on a country lane, it suddenly rained heavily, and there happened to be her and her girlfriend in the place where they ran to shelter from the rain.All three of them became drowned, and their mood was relaxed because of this, so they got better in the chatting all over the world.If it hadn't rained or I had taken an umbrella (which is possible, since I hesitated for a while when I left the hotel), I would not have run into her.And if I don’t meet her, I’m afraid I’ll be working in a company that publishes textbooks, drinking alone at night with my back against the wall of the dormitory talking to myself.

Every time I think about it, I realize this: the reality is that we can only survive in a limited number of possibilities. Yukiko (her name) and I fell in love at first sight.The girl she was with was much prettier, but it was Yukiko who attracted me, and it was undeniably overwhelming.A long-lost attraction.She also lives in Tokyo, and I met her a few times after returning from a trip, and the more I saw her, the more I liked her.Relatively speaking, she is average-looking, at least she doesn't belong to the type where men come up to talk to her everywhere she goes.But I definitely felt "something just for me" from her looks.I like her appearance. Every time I meet her, I stare at her for a long time, and I love what she reveals intensely.

"So what are you looking at?" she asked me. "You are beautiful!" I said. "You are the first to say such a thing." "Only I understand," I said, "I do." She didn't believe it at first, but soon she did. Every time they meet, the two find a quiet place to talk a lot.I can say anything to her.With her, I was able to feel deeply the weight of what I had been missing for more than a decade.I wasted those many years almost in vain.But it is not too late, there is still time.I must seize the time to redeem a little bit.Every time I hug her, I can feel nostalgic heart tremors, and after we parted, I felt very helpless and lonely.The loneliness was starting to hurt me, and the silence was making me restless.After three months of dating, I proposed to her, just a week before my thirtieth birthday.

Her father was the general manager of a solid construction company, a very meaningful figure.He has little formal education, but is very capable at work and has a philosophy of his own.His views on some issues are too paranoid, which makes it hard for me to agree, but I can't help but admire some of his unique insights-this is the first time I have encountered such a person in my life.Although he rides in a Mercedes with a driver, it's not particularly domineering.I came to the door and said that I wanted to marry his daughter. "The two sides are not children anymore, since they like each other, let's get married." That's all he said.In the eyes of the world, I was just an insignificant employee of an insignificant company, but to him it didn't seem to matter.

Yukiko has an older brother and a younger sister.The elder brother plans to inherit his father's business and become the deputy general manager of the company.It is true that a person is not bad, but compared with his father, he always seems to lack weight.Among the three siblings, the younger sister who is studying in college is the most outgoing and trendy, and is used to giving orders to others, so I thought it would be more appropriate for her to inherit my father's business. About half a year after we got married, my father-in-law called me over and asked me if I planned to quit my current job.It turned out that he had already learned from my wife that I didn't like the job in the textbook publishing house.

"It's not a problem at all to quit," I said. "The problem is what to do next." "Don't want to work in my company? The work is hard, but the salary is good!" "It is true that I am not suitable for editing textbooks, but I am afraid that the construction industry is even less suitable." I said, "I am very happy to be invited by you, but doing a job that I am not suitable for will cause you trouble, I think." "That's true. You can't do things that are not suitable." Father-in-law said.It seemed that he had expected my answer in this way.The two were drinking at the time.Since the eldest son was almost teetotal, he often drank with me. "By the way, the company has a building in Qingshan. It is under construction now, and it will be basically completed next month. The location is good, and the building is also good. It seems to be on the inside now, and there will be development in the future. If you want, you might as well do some business .Because it is owned by the company, the rent and deposit are naturally collected according to the market price. But if you really want to do it, you can lend as much money as you want.”

I thought about it for a while.Not a bad offer. In this way, I opened a good-quality jazz bar in the basement of that building.I have been working in that kind of bar when I was a student, and I still know the general business know-how.For example, what kind of wine and food to serve, what level to locate the guests, what kind of music to play, and what kind of decoration is suitable, the basic images are already installed in the mind.The renovation works were all undertaken by the wife's father.He brought in first-class designers and first-class professional decorators, and asked them to do it quite elegantly at relatively cheap wages as far as the market is concerned.The effect is really good.

The bar was thriving, far more than expected.Two years later, another one was opened in Qingshan.This one is large in scale, with a piano trio orchestra.It took a lot of time and a lot of capital investment, but the store is very lively and customers come frequently.In this way, I finally breathed a sigh of relief, and finally seized the opportunity given by others to accomplish something.At this time I had my first child, a girl.At the beginning, I also went to the bar to make cocktails. Later, when I opened two bars, I no longer had that kind of time. I turned to be responsible for business management: negotiating purchases, ensuring manpower, keeping accounts, and paying attention to everything without mistakes.I came up with various plans and put them into practice in time, and the recipes were improved by myself in many ways.I didn't realize it before - it seemed like I was quite suited for the job.I like to make something from scratch, and I like to spend time carefully improving what I have made.There is my shop, my world.I never tasted this kind of joy during the review period at the textbook company.

Handle all kinds of chores during the day, and go around the two stores at night.Sip cocktails at the bar, watch customers react, check on staff, and listen to music.Although he has to repay his father-in-law's loan every month, his income is still considerable.We bought a three-bedroom apartment in Qingshan and a BMW 320.Had a second child, also a girl.I became the father of two daughters. When I was thirty-six, I owned a small villa in Hakone.My wife bought a red Jeep Cherokee for shopping and traveling with the kids.The profits of the two stores are quite good, and I can use the money to open a third one, but I have no intention of increasing the number of stores.The number of stores has increased, and it is impossible to take care of them in such a small way anyway. I am afraid that the management alone will exhaust me.Also, I'm not willing to sacrifice more of my time for work.When discussing this with my wife's father, he advised me to invest the remaining funds in the stock market and real estate, which would be easy and time-consuming.I said that I know nothing about the stock market or real estate. "Leave the details to me. As long as you do what I say, you won't go wrong. I have a whole set of operating methods in this regard." So I invested according to what he said, and as a result, I made quite a lot of money in a short period of time. return.

"Well, do you understand?" Father-in-law said, "Things have their own way of operation. If you are a company employee, you can't expect to be so smooth in a hundred years. Success requires luck, and the brain must be good, of course. But this alone is not enough, First of all, there must be funds. Without sufficient funds, nothing can be done. But more important than this is to master the operation method. If you don’t know the operation method, even if you have everything else, you can’t get anywhere.” "Yes." I said.I know exactly what my father-in-law means.The method of operation he mentioned refers to the system constructed so far—grasping effective information, weaving personnel network, investing, and improving economic benefits are such a complex and reliable system.The money thus obtained is cleverly drilled through all kinds of legal nets and tax nets, or changed in the form of name change to increase its value.What he wanted to tell me was the existence of such a system.

Indeed, if I hadn't run into my father-in-law, I'm afraid I'd still be writing textbooks, still living in that wretched apartment in Nishidikubo, and still driving that half-worn Crown with a dead engine.I think I did a great job under the current conditions. In a short period of time, I put two stores on the right track, hired more than 30 employees, and achieved benefits far exceeding normal standards. Even tax consultants admiration.The reputation of the store is also good.That being said, there are as many people in the world as there are people with this level of brains.This trick, even if it is not me but other people can tinker with it.Without my father-in-law's funds and his method of operation, I am afraid that nothing will be achieved by myself.Thinking about it this way, I couldn't help but feel a little bit of unhappiness in my heart, as if I had taken advantage of myself through heretics and unfair means.After all, we are a generation that experienced the turbulent campus struggles from the second half of the 1960s to the first half of the 1970s. Whether we want to or not, we all survived that era.In very general terms, we are a generation that devoured the idealism that once prevailed in the post-war period, while rejecting the logic of capitalism that was more developed, more complex, and more sophisticated.However, the world I live in now has become a world governed by a more developed logic of capitalism.To say a thousand words and ten thousand, in fact, I have been swallowed by this world head to tail without knowing it.While holding the steering wheel of the BMW, listening to Schubert, and waiting for the signal lights on Qingshan Street, I suddenly had doubts: This is not like my life, I seem to press someone at a place prepared by someone Well-designed patterns live.Where did I end up being my real self, and where did I not be myself?To what extent are my hands on the steering wheel really my hands?To what extent are the surrounding scenery real scenery?The more I think about it, the more I am confused by Monk Zhang Er. But it's safe to say I've lived a generally happy life, I think.I don't have anything that can be called dissatisfaction.I love my wife.Yukiko is a steady and considerate woman.After giving birth, she began to gain weight somewhat, and weight loss and fitness became important matters in her mind.But I still think she's pretty, love being with her, love sleeping with her.There was something about her that soothed and settled me.In any case, I don't want to return to the lonely and lonely life of my 20s and 30s.This is my place, where I can be loved and protected, and at the same time I love my wife and daughter and protect my wife and daughter.For me, this is a brand-new experience, a discovery that I didn't expect - it turns out that I can continue to work from this angle. I drove my eldest daughter to kindergarten every morning, played nursery rhymes on the car audio system, and we sang together. Then I went home to play with my younger daughter for a while, and then went to work in the small office I rented nearby.Four people went to Hakone villa for the night on the weekend.We watch fireworks, take a boat tour on the lake, and take a walk on the mountain road. During my wife's pregnancy, I had several mild extramarital sexual relations, but they were all moderate and not long.I only slept with her once or twice, up to three times each.Frankly, I don't even have a clear sense of cheating.What I was looking for was the act of "sleeping with someone" itself, and the women on the other side must be the same.To avoid going too deep, I choose my subjects carefully.I was probably trying to sleep with them, to see what I could find in them, and what they could find in me. Shortly after the birth of my first child, I received a postcard from my hometown with an announcement to attend the funeral.On it was written the name of a woman who died at the age of thirty-six.The postmark is Nagoya.I didn’t have any friends in Nagoya. After thinking about it for a long time, I remembered that this woman was Izumi’s cousin who lived in Kyoto.Her name has long been forgotten, and her parents' home is Nagoya. It goes without saying that it was Izumi who sent the postcard.No one else would send me this but her.Why did Quan bother to send such a notice?I was puzzled at first.But holding the postcard and reading it a few times, I read her frozen feelings.Izumi did not forget what I did, nor did I forgive.She wanted me to know this, so she sent this postcard.Presumably Izumi is not very happy now, my gut feeling told me so.If she is very happy, she will not send me this kind of postcard, even if she does, she will write a postcard or something. Then I thought of Izumi's cousin, her room and her body, and the scene where the two fought.All that used to exist so vividly, but now there is no trace, like smoke blown by the wind.Can't guess how she died, thirty-six is ​​not the age at which a person dies naturally.Her last name hasn't changed—either she's single, or she's divorced. It was a high school classmate who told me about Izumi.He saw my photo in the "Tokyo Bar Guide" special issue of Blues magazine and learned that I ran a bar in Aoyama.He walked over to where I was sitting at the bar and said, "Long time no see, okay."But he didn't come to see me specifically, he came to drink with his colleagues.I happened to be there, so I came over to say hello. "I've been here a few times before. The location is close to the company. But I didn't know you opened it. The world is really small." He said. In high school, generally speaking, I was an unsocial character in the class, and he was good at sports, and he was the type of grade committee member.People are also gentle, not talkative, giving people a good feeling.He belongs to the football club. He used to be tall and big, but now he has gained a lot of excess fat, his chin has become double, and the waist of the navy blue suit looks a little tight. "It's all caused by the reception," he said. "The trading company really can't keep going. There is a lot of overtime, one receptionist on the left and one receptionist on the right. They are transferred at every turn. Those with bad grades will be kicked out, and those with good grades will be promoted exceptionally. It’s not a serious business.” His company is in Aoyama 1-chome, and he can walk to my bar on his way from get off work. We chatted about what our high school classmates reunited with after eighteen years: how is work going, how many children will we have after we get married, who do we meet, etc.At this time he mentioned the spring. "There was a girl who was with you at the time, right? The girl you used to hang out with—was it called Ohara or something?" "Ohara Izumi." I said. "That's right," he said, "Izumi Ohara. I saw her recently." "In Tokyo?" I was surprised. "No no, it's not Tokyo, it's in Toyohashi." "Toyohashi?" I was even more surprised, "Toyohashi? The one in Aichi Prefecture?" "Yes, it's that Toyohashi." "I don't know why. How did I see Izumi in Toyohashi? Why is Izumi in such a place?" He seemed to hear something hard and unnatural in my tone of voice. "Why don't you know, I saw her in Toyohashi anyway." He said, "Ah, there's nothing particularly worth mentioning, and I didn't even know whether it was her or not." He ordered another wild turkey on the rocks.I drank vodka gold lite. "It doesn't matter if it's not worth talking about, just say it." "Or it's not just that," he said in a voice that was not without embarrassment. "The reason why it's not worth mentioning is that every now and then it feels as if things don't actually happen. It was a real dream, but for some reason, it didn’t feel real—it’s hard to say what’s going on.” "Is it true?" I asked. "It's true." "Tell me and listen." He nodded helplessly, and took a sip of the whiskey he brought. "I went to Toyohashi because my sister lived there. I was on a business trip to Nagoya, and I finished my work on Friday, so I decided to stay at my sister's house in Toyohashi for one night. So, I met her there. At first, I thought to myself I didn't expect the person who looked like Ohara Izumi to be Izumi Ohara. How could I expect to see her in the elevator of my younger sister's apartment in Toyohashi? Besides, her face has changed a lot. I don't even understand why I recognized her at a glance. It must be Intuition works." "Is the spring not bad?" He nodded. "It happened that she and my sister lived on the same floor. We got off the elevator on the same floor and walked in the same direction. She walked into the front room that was two doors away from my sister's room. I was muttering to myself, so I went over to look at the nameplate. It says Ohara Izumi." "The other party didn't notice you?" He shook his head and said, "I'm in the same class as that kid, but we haven't had a close conversation. Besides, I've weighed twenty kilograms compared to that time, so it's impossible to notice." "But it's really Ohara Izumi? The surname Ohara is not a rare surname, and there are not a few people who look alike." "That's the problem. I also thought of this, so I asked my sister what kind of person Ohara is. So my sister showed me the apartment resident register. Well, it's the kind that often happens. She is the supervisor Collecting provident funds for repainting the walls and so on. All the names of the residents are written on it, clearly saying Ohara Izumi, and "Izumi" is written in katakana. Aren't there many people who write Taiyuan in Chinese characters for their last name and Izumi in kana for their first name? " "So she's still single?" "This younger sister doesn't know either." He said, "In that apartment, Ohara Izumi was a mysterious figure, he didn't talk to anyone, he didn't respond to greetings when we met in the corridor, his colleagues didn't come out when he rang the doorbell, and he didn't come out when he was at home. Can't come out. It doesn't seem very popular among the neighbors." "Oh, that must be the wrong person." I smiled and shook my head, "Quan is not that kind of person. She doesn't have to smile and say hello when she meets people." "OK, I probably misjudged the person." He said, "The name is the same as the person. Anyway, don't talk about it, it's not interesting." "That Ohara Izumi lives there alone?" "Probably so. No one sees a man in or out, no one even knows what they do for a living. It's all a mystery." "Then, what do you think?" "How do you see it? What do you see?" "Look at her, Ohara Izumi with a different name. What did you think when you saw her in the elevator? That is to say, she looks energetic, or not very energetic—look at this." He thought for a while and said, "It's not bad." "Not bad? How is it not bad?" He rattled his whiskey glass. "Of course I'm getting older accordingly. No wonder, I'm thirty-six. Whether it's me or you, they're all thirty-six. The metabolism is also slow, and the muscles are starting to age. It's impossible to be a high school student all the time." "Naturally." I said. "Don't talk about this anymore, anyway, people don't match up." I sighed and looked at him with my hands on the bar. "I'll tell you, I really want to know, and I have to know. To tell you the truth, Quan and I broke up badly when I was about to graduate from high school. I did something stupid and hurt Quan. After that, I have no way of knowing Her situation. I don’t know where she is now, I don’t know what she is doing. This matter has been stuck in my chest, so I hope you tell me the truth, anything is fine, good or bad. You already know that she is Ohara Izumi right?" He nodded, "Then I'll just say it straight: yes, it's the kid. Of course, I'm a little sorry for you." "So, what happened to her?" He was silent for a while. "Let me tell you, I hope you can understand one thing - I am also in the same class, and I think that child is cute. He has a good personality, is lovable, and is not particularly beautiful, but how should I put it, he is charming and charming. A heart-stopping place, isn't it?" I nod. "Is it okay to tell the truth?" "Please please," I said. "Perhaps it didn't please you." "It's okay, I just want to know the truth." He took another sip of whiskey. "Seeing you and her always together, I am very envious. I also want to have a girlfriend-ah, I can only tell you bluntly now. Because of this, I can clearly remember her appearance, and it has been really branded." It's in my head. So I can only remember it when I met in the elevator eighteen years later, even though it was a coincidence. That is to say, I mean I don't have any reason to speak ill of the kid. It's a bad thing for me I don't want to admit to the small shock. But I still have to say: that child is no longer cute." I bit my lip: "Why not cute?" "A lot of the kids in the apartment are afraid of her." "Afraid?" I couldn't figure it out, and looked at his face steadily, thinking that this kid had misused his words. "What's the matter? What's the matter with being afraid?" "Forget it, really don't talk about it anymore. It shouldn't have been mentioned in the first place." "What did she say to the children?" "She doesn't tell anyone—and she just said that." "Then the children are afraid of her face?" "yes." "Scars or something?" "No." "What are you afraid of?" He took a sip of whiskey, quietly put the glass back on the counter, and stared into my face for a moment.He looked a bit embarrassed and hesitant, but apart from these, there was something else special on his face, from which I could instantly recognize him from high school.He raised his face and quietly looked into the distance, as if to see where the river flowed.After a long time, he said: "I can't say this well, and I don't want to say it. So don't ask me again. You will understand after seeing it with your own eyes. There is no way to explain it to people who have not seen it with their own eyes." I didn't say anything else, just nodded and took a sip of the vodka Kinlit.Although his tone was calm, it contained the taste of categorically refusing to continue asking. After that, he talked about how he was sent to work in Brazil by the company for two years. "Can you believe it? I met my junior high school classmate in Sao Paulo. That kid is an engineer from Toyota and works in Sao Paulo." But of course I hardly listened to what he said.Before returning, he patted me on the shoulder: "Tell you, time is something that changes people into various forms. I don't know what happened between you and her at that time, but even if it happened , that's not your responsibility. The degree is different, but everyone has had that experience, and I'm no exception. I won't lie to you. I also have similar memories, but it's unavoidable, that. A person's life boils down to The knot can only be that person's life. You can't take responsibility for someone else.This place is like a desert, and all of us can only adapt to the desert.By the way, when you were in elementary school, you saw Walt Disney's "Desert Alive" movie, right? " "I've seen it." I said. "It's the same thing, this world is the same thing as that. When it rains, the flowers bloom, but if they don't rain, they die. The worms are eaten by lizards, and the lizards are eaten by birds, but they all die. After death, they become dry shells. This generation dies. The next generation will replace it, the iron law. There are many ways to live, and all kinds of ways to die, it’s not a big deal. The only thing left is the desert, and the only thing that is really alive is the desert.” After he went back, I drank alone at the bar.The door was closed, the guests were gone, the staff packed up and cleaned up and went back, and I stayed behind.I don't want to just go home right away.I called my wife and said I was going to be late today because of business in the store. Then I turned off the lights in the store and drank whiskey in the dark.Too lazy to take ice cubes and drink dry. They are going to disappear one after another, I think.Some disappeared as if cut off, and some took time to fade away. All that remains is the desert. When I left before dawn, it was drizzling on Qingshan Street.I am exhausted.The rain quietly drenched the quiet buildings like tombstones.I left the car in the bar parking lot and walked home.On the way, I sat on the guardrail for a while, watching a fat crow crowing on the signal light.At four o'clock in the morning, the urban area looks very shabby and dirty, with the shadow of corruption and collapse everywhere.I am included in it, like a dark shadow printed on the wall.