Chapter 5 chapter Five

There is not much to say about the four years of college. In my first year of college I went to a few demonstrations, got into fights with the police, supported a strike on campus, attended political rallies, and met a few interesting people, but there was nothing I could do about it. That kind of political struggle puts all my heart and soul into it.Every time I marched, I felt a little awkward holding hands with someone next to me, and when I had to throw stones at the police line, I felt as if I wasn't myself anymore.I thought, is this what I am really after?I cannot feel a sense of solidarity with them.The atmosphere of violence pervading the streets and the impassioned words in people's mouths gradually lost their luster in my mind, and I began to miss the time spent in Tongquan bit by bit.But I can't go back there, I've left that world behind.

At the same time, there is little interest in what is taught at the university.Most of the classes I took were dull, with nothing that excited me.I was busy working part-time all day, and I didn't go to school seriously. It should be said that I was lucky to graduate after four years.I also had a girlfriend, and lived together for half a year in the third grade, but they broke up in the end.At that time, I was wandering, not sure what I was looking for in life. Come to think of it, political season is over.The huge wave that once seemed to be enough to shake the times also hangs down like a flag that has lost its wind, and is swallowed up by the pale daily life with a sense of fate.

After graduating from university, I was introduced by a friend to work in a company that edits and publishes textbooks.Short hair, leather shoes, and a suit.Although the company looked inconspicuous, the employment situation that year was not very tender for people from the Faculty of Arts.What's more, in terms of my grades and connections, even if I approach a more interesting company, I will definitely be rejected. I should be grateful to be able to enter here. The work was really monotonous.The office atmosphere itself is certainly not bad, but unfortunately I can hardly feel any joy from the assignment of editing textbooks.Even so, I worked very hard for about half a year in the beginning, hoping to find fun in it, thinking that no matter what I did, I would gain something if I put my best effort into it, but in the end it was all in vain.The final conclusion I came to was: no matter how hard I tried, I was not suitable for this job.I am a little disheartened, feeling that my life has come to an end, and I am afraid that the next years will be wasted in the process of making up boring textbooks.If there are no other circumstances, in the thirty-three years before I retire, I will spend my days at my desk reading the proofs, calculating the number of lines, and correcting the phonetic notation of Chinese characters. At the same time, I will find a similar woman to marry and have a few children. Bonus as only fun.I think of what Quan said to me in the past: "You must be an amazing person, there is something outstanding in you." Every time I think of it, I feel uncomfortable.There is nothing outstanding about me, Izumi!I guess you've figured it out by now.But there is no way, everyone will make mistakes.

In the company, I almost mechanically complete the work assigned to me, and the rest of the time I read my favorite books and listen to my favorite music alone.Instead, I think that work is originally monotonous and obligatory, so I can only use the time outside of work effectively for myself to find the corresponding joy of life.I'm too lazy to go out for drinks with my company colleagues. It's not that I'm not popular or high-spirited. It's just that I don't want to actively develop personal relationships with my colleagues outside of work and in places outside the company.If possible, I still want to spend my time on myself.

Four or five years passed like this.During this period, I made a few girlfriends, but they didn't last long.After spending a few months with them, I thought, "No, that's not the case." I couldn't find anything in them that was specially prepared for me.I've slept with a few of them, but the passion is gone.This is the third stage of my life.During the twelve years from college to thirty years old, I spent in disappointment, loneliness and silence.During this period, I hardly had any spiritual communication with anyone, which can be described as frozen years for me.

I was more huddled in my own world than ever before.Eat alone, go for walks alone, go to the pool alone, go to concerts and movies alone.After getting used to it, I don't feel lonely or uncomfortable.I often think of Shimamoto and Izumi.Where and what are they doing now?Maybe both of them are married, and they may have children.No matter what their circumstances were, I wanted to see them and talk to them, if only for a few words, if only for an hour.If the object is Shimamoto or Izumi, I can accurately describe my feelings.I thought about ways to reconcile with Izumi, and ways to meet Shimamoto to pass the time, thinking how wonderful it would be if my wish came true!But I didn't do anything about it.

After all, they are already far away from their own lives.It is impossible to turn back the clock.I often talked to myself and poured myself a drink at night, and it was also at that time that I began to think that I might never get married in my life. In the second year of joining the company, I had a tryst with a girl with leg problems.Double tryst, my colleague dragged me to it. "I have a slight problem with my leg," he said with a little embarrassment, "but he is handsome and has a good personality. You will definitely like it when you meet him. And although there is a problem with his leg, it is not obvious, just a little lame .”

"That's all right," I said.To be honest, if he hadn't revealed that there was something wrong with his leg, he might not have gone there yet.I hate the so-called double trysts and anonymous trysts.But when I heard that the girl had a leg problem, I couldn't refuse anyway. ——Although there is something wrong with the leg, it is not obvious, just a little lame. The girl was a classmate of my colleague's girlfriend—probably the same level in high school.She is not tall and looks dignified.It is a kind of unobtrusive beauty, a subtle beauty, which reminds me of the little animals in the depths of the jungle that refuse to come out.We finished watching the Sunday morning movie, and the four of us had lunch together, during which time she hardly spoke, and she only smiled silently when she was teased to speak.Then walk in two pairs.I went to Hibiya Park with her for tea.She was dragging the opposite leg to Shimamoto's and twisted it in a slightly different way.Shimamoto was somewhat rounded, and she dragged forward in a straight line with her toes slightly crossed.Still, the way of walking is somewhat similar.She was wearing a red turtleneck, blue jeans, and plain sandals.There was little make-up, and her hair was pulled into a ponytail.Said to be a senior in college, but looked younger.What a taciturn girl.As for whether he was always so taciturn, or because he was too nervous to say because of the first meeting, or just because of lack of topics, I couldn't figure it out.The conversation at first was hardly a conversation anyway.All I figured out was that she was studying pharmacy at a private university.

"Is pharmacy interesting?" I tried to ask.She and I walked into the cafe in the park for coffee. When I said this, her face flushed faintly. "It's okay," I said, "editing textbooks isn't that interesting either. There are so many uninteresting things in the world that you don't need to worry about them all." She thought for a while, and finally said: "It's not particularly interesting. Because my family runs a pharmacy." "Smell. What might medicine tell me? I don't know anything about medicine. Don't be surprised, I haven't taken a single pill in six years."

"Good body." "In this way, I have never had a night of drinking and getting drunk." I said, "But when I was young, I was weak, always fell ill, and took a lot of medicine. I am an only child, and my parents must have loved me too much." She nodded and peered into the coffee cup.It took a while for the second time to speak. "Pharmacy, I don't think it's a very interesting knowledge." She said, "There must be many, many things in the world that are more interesting than memorizing the ingredients of medicines by rote. It is also science, but it is neither as romantic as astronomy, It’s not as dramatic as medicine. But there’s something intimate about it, and it’s okay to go with you.”

"Makes sense." I said.This girl is quite good at speaking if she wants to, but it takes more time to find words than others. "Do you have a brother?" I asked. "Two older brothers, one is married." "I chose to study pharmacy, which means that I will become a pharmacist and inherit the pharmacy in the future?" She blushed again, and then remained silent for a while. "I don't know. Both older brothers have jobs, and I may inherit it. If I don't intend to inherit it, my father said that it doesn't matter. I can drive it as long as I can. I just sell it." I nodded and waited for her to continue. "But I think it's okay for me to inherit. I have bad legs and it's not so easy to find a job." We spent the afternoon chatting alone like this.He spends a lot of time in silence, takes time to speak, and blushes whenever he asks something. But talking to her was never boring, never awkward, just pleasant to say the least.For me this is rarely the case.After talking face to face across the table in a café like this, I even felt like I had known her a long time ago.It was like a lingering feeling. However, if I say that my heart has been strongly attracted to her, frankly speaking, I think I can only say that it is not enough.Of course I had a crush on her and we had a great afternoon together.She is also pretty, and as my colleague said at the beginning, she also has a good personality.But if you ask whether you have discovered something in her that powerfully shakes your heart through the listing of these facts, then unfortunately, the answer is no. And the island itself does, I think.I couldn't stop thinking about Shimamoto when I was with that girl.Thinking of Shimamoto still makes my heart tremble.There was excitement, a low-grade excitement that seemed to gently open a door deep in my heart.But when I was walking in Hibiya Park with that pretty girl with a bad leg, I couldn't feel that kind of excitement or tremor.All I felt in her was a certain resonance and a calm tenderness. Her home, the pharmacy, is in Kohinata, Bunkyo Ward.I took her there by bus.When the two of them sat side by side in the car, she hardly spoke. A few days later, my colleague came to me, "That kid seems to be very satisfied with you," he said, "Where should the four of us go this Sunday?" But I found an excuse and declined.There is nothing wrong with meeting and talking again.To be honest, I also want to talk to her slowly again.If we met on other occasions, it is unknown whether we would become good friends.The problem is that it is a double date after all, and the original purpose of its behavior is to find a lover.If they meet twice in a row, corresponding responsibilities will inevitably arise.And I don't want to - in any way - hurt that girl.I can only decline.Of course I never saw her again.