Chapter 4 Chapter Four

The girl I slept with originally was an only child. She wasn't—maybe she wasn't—the type of man who couldn't help but look back when they passed each other on the street together, or it would be more accurate to say that she hardly attracted attention.However, the first time I met her, I was inexplicably attracted to her.It was like walking in broad daylight and suddenly being struck by a thunderbolt invisible to the naked eye. There were no reservations, no conditions, no reason, no explanation, no "but" and no "if". Looking back on my life so far, with very few exceptions, I have almost never had the experience of being strongly attracted to beautiful women in the general sense.Walking with friends, friends sometimes say "hey, the girl who passed by just now is really beautiful", but I can't think of what kind of "beautiful" girl looks like after listening to it, it's a little weird.In my experience, I have almost never fallen in love with beautiful actresses and models at first sight.I don't know why, but that's how it is.Even in my teens—a time when the line between reality and dream was blurry and the emotion of "dream" was in full swing—I never dreamed of beautiful girls just because of their looks.

What strongly attracts me is not the quantifiable and generalizable external beauty, but an underlying absolute. Just as a certain type of people secretly rejoices in the heavy rain, earthquake and total power outage, I like the violent and calm things the opposite sex sends to me.Let's call that "attraction" here--the force that attracts and devours people without saying anything. Perhaps it can be likened to the smell of perfume.Under what kind of action can it produce a smell with special charm, I am afraid that even the perfumer who concocts it cannot explain it, and the test must not give results.However, whether it can be explained or not, the combination of certain spices can attract the opposite sex just like the smell of mating animals.A certain smell may attract fifty people out of a hundred, and another smell may attract another fifty people out of a hundred.But in addition, there are other smells that can attract one or two people out of a hundred people, and that is a special smell.And I have the ability to smell such a special smell keenly.I know that it is a fateful smell that exists exclusively for me, and I can smell it with perfect accuracy even if it is far away.At that time, I will run to them and tell them that I have felt it, "Other people may not feel it, but I feel it."

I wanted to sleep with her the first time we met.To be more precise, he must sleep with this woman.And I instinctively felt that the other party wanted to sleep with me too.I literally trembled in front of her.In front of her face, I erected several times sharply, and it was difficult for me to walk.It was the first time in my life that I experienced attraction (I felt a rudimentary form of it on the island itself, but I was far from mature then, so it could hardly be called attraction).When I met her, I was a seventeen-year-old senior in high school, and she was a twenty-year-old sophomore in college, and by accident, she was Quan's cousin.She probably has a boyfriend, too, but that's not a hindrance to us at all.Even if she's forty-two and has three kids and two tails on her ass, I don't think I'd mind.Its attractiveness is so great.I clearly realize that I can't just let this woman go, otherwise I will regret it for the rest of my life.

Anyway, the first person I ever fucked in my life was my girlfriend's cousin.And it's not an ordinary cousin, but a very close cousin. Quan and her have been close since childhood, and they have been in constant contact on weekdays.She went to university in Kyoto and rented a dormitory building to the west of the Imperial Palace.When Izumi and I went to Kyoto to play, we invited her to have lunch with me.It was the third week after Quan came to our house to hug each other naked, but there was a huge commotion because of my aunt's visit. When Quan left my seat, I said that I might want to inquire about the university she went to, and asked for her phone number.Two days later, I called her dormitory and said that if it was convenient to see her next Sunday, she stopped and replied that yes, that day happened to be free.

From the sound of her voice, I firmly believe that she wants to sleep with me too, and I can clearly feel it from the tone of her voice.So the next Sunday I went to Kyoto alone to find her, and slept with her in the afternoon. In the next two months, my cousin in Tongquan just did so hard that her brains seemed to melt.The two didn't go to the movies or take a walk.Neither novels nor music nor life nor war nor revolution are discussed.We just do, do. Of course, I think I still talked about it in a few words, but I can hardly remember what we talked about.What I remember is only the specific small objects there - the alarm clock next to the pillow, the curtains hanging by the window, the black telephone on the coffee table, the photographs on the wall calendar, the clothes she took off on the floor, and the smell of her body Son, her voice.I didn't ask her anything and she didn't ask me anything.But only once, when they were lying on her bed together, they suddenly felt something and asked her if she was the only child.

"Yes," she said with a surprised expression, "I don't have brothers and sisters, but how do you know?" "It's nothing, it's just a feeling." She stared at my face for a while, "Are you afraid that you are also an only child?" "yes." There are only so many conversations between the two that remain in memory.I suddenly felt a breath: this woman might be the only child. Except where absolutely necessary.We even skip eating and drinking.When they met, they took off their clothes almost without opening their mouths, went to bed, cuddled together, and did it.There are no stages, no procedures.I'm just greedy for everything suggested there, and she's probably the same.Every time we meet we do it four or five times.It was to fuck her unequivocally until there was not a drop of cum left, until the head of the penis swelled and ached.Even though they were working so hard, and even though they both felt the surging attraction from each other, neither of them had the idea of ​​becoming lovers and living happily ever after.To us it was a tornado, and sooner or later it was gone forever.I think we have all realized that such a situation cannot last forever, so every time we meet, we have doubts in our heads, thinking that this hug is the last time, and this doubt has especially aroused our motivation.

To be precise, I don't love her, and she certainly doesn't love me either.But loving or not loving each other was not an important issue for me at that time. What matters is what I'm being drawn into at this very moment, and that should be the key factor for me. I wonder what that is and can't wait.If possible, I even want to reach into her flesh and touch that something directly. I like springs.But she never let me experience such a rampant power.In contrast, I knew nothing about this woman and felt no love.But she made me tremble, and made me close without thinking about it.The reason we didn't have a serious conversation came down to not feeling the need to.If we had the energy for a serious conversation, we used it to do one more.

I think, after we raced against the clock and kept this relationship going for a few months, we would probably invariably move away from each other.This is because what we were doing at that time was a very natural, normal and necessary behavior, and there was no room for any doubts to intervene.As for love, guilt, and the future, they were excluded from the beginning, and there was no possibility of intervention. Therefore, if my relationship with her is not exposed (but it must be difficult in fact, after all, I am too obsessed with her), then I will definitely keep my relationship with her for a period of time in the future, and I can at least take a vacation in college every year The tryst continued for several months.How long the relationship will last I'm not sure, but I think we'll have to break up naturally - not because of either initiative - after a few years.There are a few big differences between us, and they're the kind of differences that widen as we grow up, as we age.Looking back now, I can see it very clearly.However, even if we do break up in the future, if there is no such thing as me sleeping with her cousin, we will break up more gently and enter a new stage of life with a healthier attitude, I guess.

However, that is not the case in reality. In reality I hurt her badly, damaged her.I can roughly imagine how hurt and damaged she was.Quan didn't get into the university that should have been easy to catch with her grades, but entered a women's university whose name was unknown.After the relationship with her cousin was revealed, I had a meeting with Quan.The two talked for a long time in the small bar where they often meet.I tried to explain, tried to be as open and honest as possible, carefully chose my words to tell her how I felt-what happened with her cousin was never essential, it was not on the established route, it was just a physical Due to the attractiveness, I don't even feel guilty about betraying my lover in my heart, so it has no influence on the relationship between the two.

But of course Izumi didn't understand, calling me a despicable liar.It was indeed as she said, I secretly slept with her cousin without telling her.Besides, not once or twice, but ten or twenty times.I have been cheating on her.If things are straightforward, there is no need to deceive.You should have made it clear to her from the start: I want to sleep with your cousin, I want to fuck until my brain melts, I want to fuck a thousand times in all kinds of positions, but this has nothing to do with you, so I hope you don't care.The problem is that as a reality, it is impossible to be so blunt to Quan.So I lied, a hundred or two hundred times.I made up reasonable reasons to refuse a tryst with her and went to Kyoto to sleep with her cousin, which I have no room for defense.Needless to say, all the responsibility lies with me.

Quan learned of my relationship with her cousin only at the end of January, just after my eighteenth birthday.I passed the college entrance examinations in February easily, and will leave here for Tokyo at the end of March.I called Quan several times before leaving, but she refused to speak to me again.I also wrote several long letters, but did not receive a reply.I can't just leave like this, I think, I can't just leave Quan alone like this.However, even if I think about it again, there is nothing I can do in reality.Because Quan no longer wants to have any kind of contact with me. On the Shinkansen train bound for Tokyo, while looking at the scenery outside the window with melancholy, I thought about what kind of person I was.I look at my hands in my lap, at my face reflected in the window pane.What am I here?For the first time in my life, I felt a strong sense of loathing for myself.Why are things the way they are?But I understand that if I'm in the same situation again, I'll have to do it all over again.I'm afraid she would still lie to Quan and still sleep with her cousin, no matter how much that would hurt Quan.Admitting this is painful, but it is true. Of course, in destroying the fountain, I also destroyed myself.I deeply - much deeper than I felt at the time - hurt myself.I should have learned a lot from that.But when I re-examined it after several years, what I experienced from it was just a basic fact, that is: in the ultimate essence, I am a person who can do evil.It is true that I have never thought of doing evil to anyone once, but the motivation and thoughts are another matter. In short, I can become selfish and cruel when necessary, and I can even find out the objects I should take care of. I am such a person who inflicts irreparable and decisive harm for high-sounding reasons. After going to college, I intend to acquire a new self in a new city, start a new life, and intend to correct my mistakes by becoming a new person.It seemed to be going well at first, but at the end of the day, I was just me anyway, repeating the same mistakes, hurting others, and destroying myself. When I was over twenty, I suddenly thought: Maybe I can no longer be an authentic person.I've made a few mistakes, but really it wasn't even a mistake.Rather than saying it is a mistake, perhaps it is my own innate tendency. Thinking of this, I feel sad.