Chapter 44 Chapter 42

When there were only two people left, Saeki advised Nakata to sit on the chair.Nakata thought for a while and sat down.The two didn't say anything for a long time, just looked at each other across the table.Nakata put the mountaineering cap on his neatly packed knees, and rubbed his short hair with his palms as usual.Saeki put his hands on the desk, quietly watching Nakata's every move. "If I'm not mistaken, I think I've been waiting for you," she said. "That's right, Nakata, I think that's probably the case too." Nakata said, "But it took time. Did you wait too long? Nakata, I also hurry up in the same way as Nakata, but this is the limit."

Saeki shook his head and said, "No, it's nothing. I'm afraid I'll be more confused if it's earlier or later. For me, now is the most correct time." "I asked Hoshino-kun to help me a lot. Without him, Nakata would have spent more time on my own. After all, I can't read Nakata." "Hoshino-kun is your friend?" "Yes," Nakata said, "maybe that's the case. But to be honest, Nakata doesn't really know the difference. I don't have anyone Nakata has ever been friends with in my life, except Cat-kun." "I haven't had anyone I could call a friend for a long time," Saeki said. "I mean except memories."

"Ms. Saeki," "Ok?" "To be honest, I don't have any memories that I can call Nakata, because my brain is not working well. So-called memories, what kind of thing is it?" Saeki looked at his hands on the table, and then at Nakata's face: "Memories will warm your body from the inside, and at the same time cut your body sharply from the inside." Nakata shook his head and said: "This question is too difficult. I still don't understand about recalling Nakata. I only understand what is happening now." "I seem to be the opposite," Saeki said.

A deep silence fell over the room for a moment.It was Nakata who broke the silence, and he coughed lightly. "Ms. Saeki," "what?" "You remember about the entrance stone?" "Well, I remember." Her finger touched the Brown Bran fountain pen on the desk, "I met it in a place a long, long time ago. Maybe it would be better to keep it in the dark. But that is not a choice for me." thing." "Nakata, I opened it once a few days ago. There was lightning and thunder that afternoon, and many thunderstorms fell on the street. Hoshino-kun came to help. Nakata, I can't do anything alone. Do you remember the day of the thunder?"

Saeki nodded: "I remember." "I opened it, Nakata, because I had to open it." "Yes. To restore many things to what they were." Nakata nodded and said, "Exactly." "You have that qualification." "Nakata, I don't know what qualifications are, but Ms. Saeki, there is no choice anyway. To tell you the truth, Nakata, I killed a person in Nakano Ward. Nakata I didn't want to kill, but in Johnny Walker prompted me to kill a guy for a fifteen-year-old boy who was supposed to be there, and that was something I had to accept."

Saeki closed his eyes, opened them again, and stared at Nakata: "Such a thing happened because I opened that entrance stone in the long past, right? That past event has caused many things to twist and deform everywhere until now, that's it. Is it?" Nakata shook his head. "Ms. Saeki," "Ok?" "Nakata, I don't know that much. Nakata, my mission is simply to restore what exists here now, so I left Nakano and crossed a bridge to Shikoku. You probably understand that you can't stay here .” Saeki smiled slightly. "Okay," she said, "that's what I've been pursuing for a long time, Nakata-kun. I pursued it in the past, and I still pursue it now, but I can't pursue it anyway. I can only wait quietly for that moment—now this moment

— came, and that was unbearable in most cases.Of course, suffering may also be a kind of responsibility entrusted to me. " "Ms. Saeki," Nakata said, "Nakata is only a half shadow, just like you." "yes." "That half was lost during the war. As to why that happened, and why it happened to me, Nakata, I don't know. Anyway, it's been a long time, and it's about time we got out of here." "I understand that." "Nakata, I have lived for a long time. But as I said just now, I have no memory of Nakata. So I don't understand Nakata in the mood of 'pain' you mentioned. But Nakata, I am thinking: no matter how painful it is, you probably will You don't want to throw that memory away, do you?"

"Yes," Saiki said, "that's exactly. No matter how painful it is to live with it, I also—as long as I live—don't want to give up that memory, which is the only meaning and proof of my survival." Nakata nodded silently. "I've lived long enough, outgrown. I've damaged a lot of people and things in that time." She continued, "I had sex with that fifteen-year-old you mentioned , just recently. I turned back into a fifteen-year-old girl again in that room and had sex with him. Whether that was right or wrong, I couldn't help it, and it might damage something else. That’s the only thing I can’t let go of.”

"Nakata, I don't understand sexual desire," Nakata said. "Just as Nakata has no memory, neither does sexual desire. Therefore, I don't know the difference between correct sexual desire and incorrect sexual desire. But since it has happened, it is What has happened. Whether it is correct or not, we must accept honestly what happened. That’s why I am now Nakata. This is my position.” "Nakata-kun," "Ah, what do you want to say?" "I have something to ask you." Saibo picked up the leather bag under his feet, took out a small key from it, opened the drawer of the desk, and took out a few thick folders from the drawer and put them on the countertop.

She said: "I have been writing this manuscript at my desk since I came back to this city, writing down the path I have traveled in life. I was born very close to here, and I love the people who live in this house. A boy, love more than anything. He loves me as much. We live in a perfect circle, everything within the circle. Of course it can't be the same forever. We grow up, the times are about to change, the circle is broken everywhere , The things outside broke into the inside of the paradise, and the things inside wanted to go outside. This is a matter of course, but I couldn't think that way anyway. In order to prevent such intrusions and egresses, I opened the door of the entrance. I can't remember exactly how it was done. Anyway, I made up my mind: In order not to lose him, and to prevent the outside world from destroying our world, no matter what happens, I will remove the stone. Open. As for what that meant, I couldn't understand it at the time. Needless to say, I suffered retribution."

Having said that, she paused, picked up the fountain pen, and closed her eyes. "For me, life ended when I was twenty. The rest of my life is nothing more than a continuous posthumous talk, like a winding corridor that leads nowhere. But I must continue that life. It was nothing more than accepting the emptiness day after day and giving it away untouched. I did a lot of wrong things in those days. Sometimes I closed myself inside, like living at the bottom of a deep well.I curse everything outside, I hate everything.Sometimes I go outside to have fun.I accept everything without distinction and walk through the world indifferently.I have slept with many men, and sometimes even married.But all is meaningless, all is fleeting, and nothing remains but a few scars of the things I have debased. " She put her hand on the stack of three folders. "I wrote those things down in detail, to clear myself up. I wanted to completely re-determine who I am and how I lived my life. Of course I can't blame anyone but me, but It was an unbearable homework. Fortunately, the homework is finally over, and I have finished writing everything. Such things are no longer useful to me, and I don’t want others to see them. If they are seen by others, they may be destroyed again What. Therefore, I would like to ask someone to burn it completely somewhere, without leaving any traces. If possible, I would like to entrust this matter to you. I have no one else to trust except you, Nakata-kun. I would like to ask, Can you promise?" "Understood." Nakata nodded vigorously a few times, "Since you have that wish, I promise Nakata will completely burn it, please rest assured." "thanks." "Writing is an important thing, right?" Nakata asked. "Yes, exactly that. Writing is an important thing. What is written, what form it takes, means nothing." "I can't read, write, and write, so I can't record anything." Nakata said, "I'm like a cat in Nakata." "Nakata-kun," "what?" "It seems that I have known you a long time ago," Saibo said, "Aren't you in that painting, as the person in the background by the seaside? Roll up your white trouser legs and step into the seawater..." Nakata stood up quietly from the chair, walked to Saeki's writing desk, put his hard tanned hand on Saeki's hand on the document, and transferred the warmth there to the the palm of your hand. "Ms. Saeki," "Ok?" "Nakata, I understand more or less." "Understand what?" "I see what a memory is. I can feel it in your hand." Saeki smiled slightly: "That's good." Nakata put his hands on hers for a long time.Soon Saeki closed his eyes and let his body sink into the memories quietly.There is no more pain in there, someone has sucked the pain out completely.The circle is full again.She opened the door of the distant room and saw two chords sleeping peacefully like geckos on the wall, so she lightly touched the two geckos with her fingertips.Fingertips can feel their comfortable sleep.The breeze is coming, and the old curtains are shaking from time to time, shaking meaningfully, like some kind of metaphor.She was wearing a blue dress with a long skirt, which was a long skirt she had worn somewhere a long time ago.The hem of the skirt made a slight sound when she moved.There is a beach outside the window, you can hear the sound of the waves, and you can also hear people's voices.The wind carries the breath of the tide.The season is summer.The season is always summer.There are several small white clouds with clear outlines floating in the sky. Nakata walked down the stairs with three manuscript folders in his arms.Oshima was sitting at the reading desk talking to readers, when he saw Nakata coming down the stairs, he smiled slightly.Nakata nodded politely.Oshima continued talking.Hoshino concentrated on reading in the reading room. Hoshino put the book on the table, looked up at Nakata: "Oh, it's been long enough, this time it's over?" "It's over, Nakata, I'm done here. I think it's time to go back, if you can." "Ah, I can. I've almost finished the book. Beethoven is dead, and the funeral is going on. A big funeral. Twenty-five thousand Viennese citizens join the funeral procession. Schools are closed." "Hoshino-kun," "what?" "There's one more — and only one — request." "we have a deal." "Looking for a place to burn this." Hoshino looked at the folder in Nakata's arms: "Well, the amount is quite a lot! Such a large amount, it's not easy to burn it little by little nearby, you need to find a wide river beach or something." "Hoshino-kun," "Ok?" "Then let's go to the beach." "Maybe it's silly to ask again—isn't that something really important? Can't it just be thrown somewhere?" "No, Hoshino-kun. Things are very important. They must be burned, they must be turned into smoke and rise to the sky, and they must have a beginning and an end." Hoshino stood up and stretched long. "Understood, the two of us will look for the river beach right now. I don't know where it is, but if you look for it patiently, there must be one or two river beaches in Shiguo." It's been a busy afternoon, rarely so busy.Many readers came, and some of them asked very professional questions.Oshima was busy answering and searching for requested materials.There are a few items that must be retrieved by computer, usually you can ask Saeki for help, but it seems that it is not possible today.This and that incident caused him to leave his seat several times, and Nakata didn't even notice when he returned.After working for a while, he looked around and found that the two were no longer in the reading room, so Oshima went up the stairs to Saeki's office.The door was rarely closed, and he knocked twice shortly, waiting for a moment, but there was no reply.Knocked again. "Saeki," he called from outside the door, "is it all right?" Still no reply. Oshima turned the knob lightly, and it didn't lock.He opened the door a crack and peeped in, and saw Saeki lying on the desk with his hair hanging in front of his face.Oshima hesitated for a moment.Or maybe it was just a tired nap, but he had never seen Saeki take a nap, she wasn't the type to take a nap at work.Oshima entered the room and walked to the table, bent down and called Saeki's name in his ear.no response.He touched Saeki's shoulder with his hand, pulled her wrist and pressed his fingers on it.No pulse.Although the skin is still warm, it is already very weak, as if there is nothing there. He lifted Saeki's hair to look at her face.Her eyes are slightly open, she is not sleeping, but dead, but the expression on her face is very peaceful, like a dreamer.There was still a slight smile on the corner of his mouth.Oshima thought that this man was dignified even in his death.He let down his hair and picked up the phone on the desk. Oshima knew that this day was coming, but he was still at a loss when he was left alone in the silent room with Saeki who had actually become the dead.He was extremely thirsty.I need this person, I probably need this person's existence to fill the void in me, he thought.However, I couldn't fill the void that this person harbored, and Saeki's void belonged to her only until the end. Someone shouted his name downstairs, as if there was such a voice.The door was wide open, and the sounds of people hurrying to and fro downstairs could be heard.The phone rang too.But Oshima turned a deaf ear to everything, just sat on the chair and watched Saeki.If you want to call my name, you can call me, if you want to call me, you can call me.Soon, the siren of an ambulance was heard in the distance, and it seemed to be getting closer.People are coming soon to take her somewhere, forever.He raised his left wrist to look at his watch: 4:35.At four thirty-five on a Tuesday afternoon.This moment must be remembered, he thought, this day must always be remembered. "Kafka-kun Tamura," he murmured to the wall beside him, "I must tell you this, of course I mean if you don't already know."