Chapter 39 Chapter 37 Saeki's Sexual Desire

On the way, we stopped in a slightly larger town, had a simple meal, went to the supermarket to buy a lot of food and mineral water like last time, and drove across the unpaved road in the mountains to the front of the hut.The cabin is still the same as when I left it a week ago.I opened the window to replace the air trapped inside, and sorted out the groceries I had bought. "I want to sleep here for a while," Oshima said, covering his face with his hands and yawning, "I didn't sleep well last night." Probably quite sleepy, Oshima briefly moved the quilt on the bed, got into the quilt without taking off his clothes, and fell asleep with his face facing the wall.I made coffee for him with mineral water, put it in the thermos he carried with him, and then took two empty plastic cans to fetch water from the river in the woods.The scenery in the forest is the same as the last time I came here, with the fragrance of grass, the chirping of birds, the murmur of the brook, the wind blowing between the trees, and the swaying shadows of leaves.Clouds drifting overhead looked very close.I feel that all this is so intimate, as if it is a natural part of myself.

While Oshima was sleeping in bed, I moved the chair to the porch and read a book while drinking tea.A book about Napoleon's expedition to Russia in 1812.Nearly 400,000 French soldiers were killed in an unfamiliar and vast land in a large-scale war with little substantive significance.Of course the battle was brutal.With insufficient number of doctors and shortage of medicines, most of the seriously wounded soldiers just died in pain.Died terribly.But more deaths were caused by hunger and cold, and those deaths were also horrible.While listening to the birds chirping and drinking herbal tea on the verandah in the mountains, I imagined the snowy Russian battlefield in my mind.

I was a little worried when I read a third, so I put down the book and went to Oshima.No matter how soundly he slept, it was too quiet, and he couldn't feel the slightest movement.But he was covered with a thin quilt, and his breathing was still so quietly.Taking a closer look, he found that his shoulders were shaking slightly up and down.I stood by and looked at his shoulders for a while, and suddenly remembered that Oshima was a woman.I am reminded of this fact only occasionally.I accept Oshima as male in almost all cases, and Oshima presumably wants that too.But when Oshima fell asleep, he seemed to return to a woman miraculously.

After that, I went to the porch to continue reading.My heart returns to the suburban boulevards of Smolensk filled with frozen corpses. Oshima woke up about two hours later and went to the porch to make sure his car was still there.The green car was almost white from running on the dry, unpaved dirt track.He stretched long and sat on the chair next to me. "There hasn't been much rain this year," Oshima said, rubbing his eyes. "It's not a good thing. If there is no rain during the rainy season, Takamatsu must be short of water in summer." "Saeki knows where I am now?" I asked.

Oshima shook his head: "To be honest, I didn't tell her anything about today. She probably doesn't know that I have a hut here. She thinks it's better to know as little as possible about various things. If she doesn't know, she doesn't need to hide it. , so as not to get involved in trouble." I nod.That's exactly what I was hoping for. "Because she's been involved in enough trouble in the past," Oshima said. "I told Saeki that my father had recently died," I said, "that someone had killed him. But not that the police were chasing me."

"But I think, even if you don't tell me, Saeki will probably be able to sense it. After all, his brain is good. So if I report to her tomorrow morning when I meet in the library, Tamura-kun is going to travel for a while to say hello to you, I think she will never ask this or that. If I don't say more, she will just nod her head and accept silently." I nod. "But as you want to see her?" I am silent.I don't know how to express it properly, but the answer could not be more clear. "I can't bear it too, but as I said just now, you'd better leave for a while."

"But I may never see her again." "It's possible that's the case." Oshima admitted after thinking for a while, "I'm also taking it for granted—things are not considered to have happened until after they actually happen, and that is often different from the appearance." "Hey, how does Saeki feel?" Oshima narrowed his eyes and looked at me: "In terms of what?" "That is to say... If I knew that I would never see me again, would Saeki feel the same way I feel now?" Oshima smiled slightly: "Why do you ask me such a question?"

"I can't figure it out at all, so I ask you. Because I have never liked anyone so much, and I have never been needed by anyone." "So your head is in a mess and you can't do anything?" I nodded: "It's a mess, I can't do anything." "You don't know whether the other party also has the same urgent and pure feelings you have for the other party." Oshima said. I shake my head. "It pains me to think about it." Oshima didn't say anything for a while, just squinted his eyes and looked towards the forest.Birds flew from branch to branch.He clasped his hands behind his head.

"I also understand how you feel right now." Oshima said, "Even so, it is a question that must be considered and judged by yourself, and no one else can replace it. This is what love is all about, Tamura Mr. Kafka. If you are the only one who possesses astonishingly great ideas, then you must be the only one who wanders in and out of the deep darkness. You must bear it with your body and mind.” Oshima drove down the mountain at 2:30. "If I save a little, the food there should last for a week, and I will return here at that time. In case of any situation, I will contact my brother and he will replenish the food. It can be reached in an hour from where he lives .I've told my brother that you're here, don't worry. Understood?"

"Understood." I said. "Also, as I said last time, be careful when entering the forest. Once you get lost, don't try to get out." "Will be careful." "Shortly before the start of the Second World War, in this area, the Imperial Army conducted a large-scale exercise—pretending to fight the Soviet army in the Siberian forest. Didn't you say that?" "No." "It seems that I often forget to say important things." Oshima said, poking his temple with his finger. "But it's not like a Siberian forest here." "That's right. This area is a broad-leaved forest, and Siberia is a coniferous forest. But the army will not pay such attention to it. In short, they are marching in the depths of the forest in full armor for combat training."

He poured the coffee I made from the thermos into a cup, put a little sugar in it, and drank it with relish. "At the request of the army, my great-grandfather borrowed the mountain: 'Please use it as you please, it's useless anyway.' The troops walked into the forest along the road we drove up. , two soldiers were missing. When the troops spread out in the forest, they both disappeared fully armed, both fresh recruits. Of course the army did a great search, but they couldn't find either." Oshima took a sip of his coffee , "As for whether he was lost in the forest or deserted, it is still unknown. But that area is deep in the mountains and old forests, and there is almost nothing to eat in it." I nod. "This world we live in is always next to another world. You can step into it to a certain extent, and you can return without incident, just be careful. But once you pass a certain point, you can't come back again." .No way back. The maze! Do you know where the maze came from in the first place?" I shake my head. "It was the ancient Mesopotamians, as far as we know, who first came up with the concept of the maze. They pulled out the intestines of animals—and sometimes, I'm afraid, human intestines—for fortune-telling and appreciated their complexity. The shape of the labyrinth. So the basic shape of the labyrinth is the intestine. That is, the principle of the labyrinth lies within yourself and responds to the labyrinthine nature outside you." "Metaphor," I said. "Yes. Metaphors. What's outside of you is a projection of what's inside of you, and what's inside of you is a projection of what's outside of you. So, by repeatedly stepping into the maze outside of you, you tap into the labyrinth, and that is very dangerous in most cases." "Like Hansel and Gretel in the woods." "Yes, like Hansel and Gretel. The forest lays a trap. No matter how careful or clever you are, the birds with sharp eyes will come and eat the crumbs that mark you." "Be careful." I said. Oshima lowered the hood and opened the car, sat in the driver's seat, put on his sunglasses, and put his hand on the shifter.Immediately, the familiar engine sound echoed in the forest.He brushed his front hair back with his fingers, and waved away gently.The dust flew up for a while, and was quickly blown away by the wind. I went into the small room, lay down on the bed that Oshima had just slept in, and closed my eyes.Looking back, I didn't sleep well last night either.The Big Island vibe can be felt on the pillows and bedding.No, it was not so much Oshima's breath as the breath left by Oshima's sleep.I plunged my body into that breath.After sleeping for about 30 minutes, there was the sound of branches breaking and falling to the ground.Then I woke up, got up and went to the veranda to look around.But as far as the eye could see, there was no change.It may be a mysterious sound played by the forest from time to time, or it may be something that happens in sleep, I can't distinguish the boundary between the two. I just sat on the porch reading a book and watched the sun set. After finishing the simple meal, I ate alone in silence.After clearing away the dishes, I sank into the old sofa and thought about Saeki. "As Oshima said, Saeki is a smart man with his own style," said the boy named Crow. He sat down on the couch next to me.Same as in father's study. "She's distinctly different from you," he said. She is distinctly different from you.So far, Saeki has experienced various situations that are hardly normal.She knows many things you don't know, has experienced many emotions that you haven't, and can tell what is important in life and what is not.So far, she has passed judgment on many great events and seen the results of it.but you are different, yes ①Hansel und Gretel, the name of the protagonist's brother and sister in German fairy tales. ② Bar?After all, you are nothing more than an only child with limited experience in a small world.You've worked hard to be tough, and actually some parts of you are hardened, and that's okay to admit.However, in the face of the new world and the new situation, you are still helpless.Because those things are happening to you for the first time. You are at your wit's end, and even whether women are sexually desirable is one of your incomprehensible problems.In theory, of course, women should also have sexual desire, you know this.But how that came to be and what it actually feels like is completely out of your grasp.As far as your own sexuality is concerned, that thing is very simple, very pure.But when it comes to female sexuality, especially Saeki's, you don't know anything.Does she feel the same physical pleasure in your cuddle as you do?Or is it qualitatively different from what you feel? The more you think about it, the more helpless you feel about being fifteen, and even despair.If you're twenty now—or eighteen, as long as you're not fifteen—you must be able to correctly understand the meaning of Saeki, his words, and his actions, and respond correctly.You are in the midst of something so wonderful that you will probably never see it again—so wonderful that it is, yet you cannot fully understand the beauty of the here and now, and the restlessness that comes with it makes you despair. You imagine what she is doing right now.Today is Monday and the library is closed.What does Saeki do on his off days?You imagine her alone in her room, and you imagine her doing laundry, cooking, cleaning, and going shopping, and the more you imagine her, the more breathless you are for being here at this moment.You want to become a fierce crow and walk out of the hut, you want to fly up to the sky, climb over mountains and ridges and land outside the house, watching her figure indoors forever. It's also possible that Saeki went to your room in the library.knock on the door.No reply.The door didn't lock.She realizes that you're not there and things are missing.The beds were made neatly.She guessed where you went, or waited in the room for your return.During the waiting time, I probably sat on the chair in front of the table, and Zhi Yi watched.Ponder the bygone times contained there.But no matter how much you wait, you won't come back.Finally she reluctantly went out to the parking lot, got into the "Volkswagen Golf" and started the engine.You don't want her to just go back.You want to be there to hug her visiting, to understand the meaning of her every move.Yet you are not there.You are alone in a place far away from anyone. You go to bed and turn off the lights, expecting Saeki to appear in your room.It's okay to be a non-realistic Saeki, and the image of a fifteen-year-old girl is also fine.You want to see her anyway, living or phantom.Hope she is there for you.Your head is almost bursting with such desires, and your body is almost falling apart.However, she was desperately hoping that she could not be seen.The only thing heard outside the window was the slight sound of wind.You hold your breath and stare into the darkness.You listen to the wind, try to decipher some meaning, feel some hint.Yet there are only layers of darkness around you.Soon, you close your eyes and fall asleep.