Chapter 16 Chapter 12 Farewell to the Maiden's Night (1)

After Naoko died, Reiko still sent me several letters.The letter said that it was neither my responsibility nor anyone's, but it was like rain, and no one could stop it.But I have not replied to this, what can I say?And after all, it's irreversible.Naoko is no longer in this world, reduced to a cup of ashes. When I returned to Beijing after attending Naoko’s dismal funeral at the end of August, I told my landlord that I was going to leave for a while.Please look after it.And ran to the restaurant where he worked part-time, saying that he could not come for the time being.Afterwards, I wrote a text message to Ah Lu: It's hard to say now, I hope it will take some time, please forgive me.In the next three days, I went to the cinema from house to house, from morning to night, and watched almost all the films released in Tokyo.Afterwards, I packed my travel backpack, withdrew all my bank deposits, and went to Shinjuku Station to take the express train I saw at first sight.

As for where and how I got there, I can't remember at all.The scenery, atmosphere and sound are vividly remembered, but the location is completely forgotten.I even forgot the order.I rode from town to town on a train or a bus, or in the passenger seat of the truck I encountered on the road.If there is an open space, a station, a park, a riverside, a coast, or any other place where I can sleep, I don't ask where, I just spread a sleeping bag and sleep.Sometimes I begged to sleep in the police station, and sometimes next to the cemetery.As long as it doesn't affect the traffic and I can sleep soundly at ease, I will have a deep sleep without any scruples.I wrapped my dusty body in a sleeping bag, drank a few sips of low-grade whiskey, and fell asleep immediately.In a hospitable town, people brought me food; in a less human place, they called the police and kicked me out of the park.For me, it doesn't matter if it's good or bad.All I was looking for was a good night's sleep in a strange town.

When money was tight, I would work as a coolie for three or four days to earn a little cash.There is always some coolie to do anywhere.I don't have a specific destination, I just walk through the towns one by one.The world is vast and full of weird phenomena and wonderful people.I called Ah Lu once, because I really wanted to hear her voice. "Hey, school has already started." Midori said, "There are quite a few guys who have submitted their lecture reports. What happened to you, exactly? There has been no news for three weeks. What are you doing here?" "Sorry, I can't return to Beijing now, not yet."

"That's all you want to say?" "It's hard to say anything now, and it's hard to say anything. Wait until October..." Ah Lu said no, and hung up the phone with a "bang". I continued to travel, checking into cheap hotels now and then, showering, and shaving.Once I looked in the mirror and found that my face was very ugly.Due to the wind and the sun, the skin is not very rough, the eyes are sunken, and inexplicable stains and scars appear on the thin face.It looked like a person who had just climbed up from the bottom of a dark cave, but upon closer inspection, it was indeed me.

At that time, I was walking along the Deyin Coast, which is probably the north coast of Tottori Prefecture or Hyogo Prefecture.It's easy to walk along the coast, because there must be somewhere on the sand where you can sleep comfortably.I gather wood to build a fire, and I bake and eat dried fish from the fish store.Then drink whiskey, prick up your ears to the sound of the tide and think about Naoko.She is dead, no longer in this world, what a strange thing.I still can't grasp that fact.I can't believe that fact either.Although I heard the sound of nails hitting her coffin with my own ears, I just couldn't accept the fact that she had returned to nothingness.

My memory of her is all too vivid.I can still vividly see her mouth gently on my penis, and the hair hanging on my lower abdomen.I remember clearly her body temperature, breathing and the touch of her fingers.Just like what happened five minutes ago.It seemed to me that Naoko was right next to me.Just reach out and touch her.But, she wasn't there.Her physical body is no longer anywhere in this world. At night when I can't sleep, I think about Naoko's various looks.I can't help but think that there are too many memories of her in my body, as long as I open a little gap, those memories will pop out one after another, and I wish I couldn't stop them from pouring out.

I thought of that rainy morning when she wore a yellow rain cloak to clean the bird house and move the feed bags.Think of a crumbled birthday cake.Naoko's tears wet the touch of my clothes.Yes, it rained that night too.In winter, she would walk beside me in a velvet coat.She often wears hair clips and often touches them with her hands.Often gaze into my eyes with a pair of clear eyes.She was wearing a blue morning coat, and she was on the sofa with her knees bent and her chin resting on them. Her image came to me like a rising tide, pushing me to a strange place.I live with the dead in that land.There, Naoko is alive.Chat with me, maybe even hug.In that place, death is not the deciding factor for life.There, death is but one of the countless elements that make up life.Naoko used to watch death live on, and then she said to me, "It's okay. Watanabe, it's just death, don't worry about it."

In that place, I don't feel sad.Death is death, Naoko is Naoko.Look, what does it matter?Am I not here?Naoko was embarrassed. She smiled and said.It is still because she can stabilize my emotions with a small gesture and heal my wounded heart.So I thought, if this is death, death is not a bad thing.Yeah, death is no big deal at all.Naoko said: "Death is just an ordinary thing, I feel more relaxed here." Naoko confided to me from the depths of the dark tide. When the tide finally went out, I was left alone on the beach.I felt powerless, with nowhere to go, and my sorrow turned into darkness and surrounded me.At that time, I often cry alone.Tears rolled down like sweat.

When Kizuki died, I learned one thing from his death and carried it with me as a motto, and that is: "Death is not the equivalent of life, but lurks in our life." Indeed that is the truth.We live and at the same time give birth to death.However, that is only part of the truth we must learn.Naoko's death told me this.No matter what truth you may have, there is no cure for the grief of losing a loved one.No amount of truth, no honesty, no strength, no tenderness will cure that sorrow.The only thing we can do is to break free from this sorrow and understand some kind of philosophy from it.And any philosophy after comprehension is so weak and powerless in the face of the unexpected sorrow that follows--I listen to the sound of the waves and the wind in the dark night, thinking so hard day after day.I drank a few bottles of whiskey, gnawed bread, drank the water in the water tank, covered my head with sand, carried a travel backpack, and walked westward and westward along the coast in early autumn.

One autumn windy evening, when I was hiding in the shadow of the hulk, wrapped in a sleeping bag and weeping, a young fisherman came and offered me a cigarette.I hadn't smoked in ten months, so I took a sip.He asked me why I was crying, and I lied almost reflexively that my mother was dead, so I wandered around sadly.He sympathized with me from the heart and brought a bottle of sake and two glasses from home. On the beach where the wind was howling, the two toasted and drank.The fisherman said that his mother died when he was 16 years old. He said that although his mother was not very strong, she worked hard from morning to night, and as a result, she became sick from overwork and died.I listened to him absent-mindedly while drinking, humming once or twice.It sounded to me like it was happening in a world far beyond reach.What a surprise!I couldn't help but suddenly burst into anger, wishing to strangle this guy's neck severely.What is your mother?you say!I lost Naoko, and that flawless body disappeared from the face of the earth!And you go on and on about your mother!

But the anger dissipated immediately.I closed my eyes and listened to the fisherman's nonsensical words in a dazed way.After a while, he asked me if I had eaten.I said no, but there was cottage cheese, tomatoes and chocolate in my rucksack.He asked what he had for lunch and I said bread, cottage cheese, tomatoes and chocolate.He then told me to wait here, got up and walked away.I wanted to dissuade him, but he suddenly disappeared into the darkness without looking back. I had no choice but to drink alone.The sand was covered with debris from fireworks, and the waves crashed in with a furious rumble and smashed against the shore.A skinny dog ​​approached wagging its tail, wobbled around the firework I lit a few times, looking for something to eat, found nothing, and walked away disappointed. After more than 30 minutes, the young fisherman came back with two "sushi" lunch boxes and a bottle of new wine. "Eat this!" he said, "The rice rolls below are wrapped with sea vegetables and deep-fried tofu, and we'll use them tomorrow." He poured a one-liter bottle of wine into his own glass, and filled mine as well.I thank him.One person had enough "sushi" meal for two.Then the two started drinking, and when we couldn't drink any more, he asked me to live in his house. I reasoned that it would be better to sleep here alone, but he didn't insist.Before we parted, I took out a 40% off 5,000-yuan bill from my pocket, stuffed it into my shirt pocket, and asked me to buy some nutritious food, saying that my complexion was very ugly.I declined to say that I have already received such hospitality, how can I ask for more money, but he insisted not to take it back.He said it wasn't money, it was his will, and told me not to think too much, just take it.I just have to thank you for accepting it. After the fisherman left, I vividly remembered the girlfriend I slept with for the first time in the third year of high school, how cruel I did to her!Thinking of this, I felt a chill in my heart, hopelessly cold.I hardly ever thought about what she would think, feel, or be stimulated by.Haven't even given her a second thought.In fact, she is a very gentle girl, but at that time I took that kind of gentleness for granted and didn't cherish it at all.What is she doing now?Can you forgive me?I think. I was so miserable that I vomited beside the hulk, and my head began to ache from drinking too much.In addition, he lied to the fisherman and took his money, which made him even more unhappy.I think it's almost time to return to Beijing.It can't go on like this forever.I rolled up my sleeping bag and stuffed it into my rucksack. I carried it on my shoulders and walked towards the National Railway Station. I asked the station attendant how I should take the train back to Tokyo. He checked the timetable and told me that if I happened to catch the night train, I would be there early in the morning. You can arrive at Dagui, and from there transfer to the Shinkansen to Tokyo.I said thank you, and bought a train ticket to Tokyo with the 5,000-yen bill given by the fisherman.While waiting for the bus, I bought a newspaper and looked at the date: October 2, 1970.That means I happen to be traveling continuously for a month.I thought that this time I would have to return to the real world anyway. A month of travel did not brighten my mood, nor ease the blow of Naoko's death.I returned to Tokyo with the same state of mind that I had barely changed from a month ago, and it was impossible to even call Midori.I didn't know what to say to her.What can I say?It's all over, live happily ever after with the two of you - is that the right way to say it?Of course I can't say such a thing.But no matter how you say it, and no matter what kind of argument you adopt, there is only one fact that should be said in the end: Naoko is dead, and Midori is left.Naoko has turned into ashes, and Midori remains a living person. I felt as if I were a filthy person.After returning to Beijing, I still asked questions in the room alone for several days.The room I prepared for Naoko had shutters, the furniture was covered with white cloth, and the window lattices were thinly covered with dust.I spend most of every day in a room like this.I thought of Kizuki.Hey Kizuki, you finally got Naoko!Anyway, she belongs to you in the first place.In the final analysis, I am afraid that is where she should go.In this dilapidated world of the living, I have done my best for Naoko, and I have devoted my heart and soul to embarking on a new life path with Naoko.But it’s okay, Muyue, I’d better return Naoko to you, presumably Naoko chose you too.She tightened her neck in the depths of the forest as dark as her inner world.I said Kizuki, in the past you dragged a part of me into the world of the dead, and now Naoko is dragging another part of me into the same place.Sometimes I feel as if I have become a museum curator—in an empty museum with no visitors, I am in charge of it for myself. On the fourth day after returning to Beijing, I received a letter from Reiko.The envelope bears an express postage stamp.The content is very simple: "I haven't contacted you for a long time, and I am very worried. Please call. I will wait in front of the telephone at the following phone numbers at 9:00 am and 9:00 pm." At 9 o'clock in the evening, I dialed the phone number on the communication, and Reiko picked up the receiver immediately. "OK?" she asked. "Just make do with it," I said. "Hey, can I see you the day after tomorrow?" "See me? Coming to Tokyo?" "Um, yeah. Want to have a good chat with you alone." "So it's coming out of there, you?" "How can I see you if I don't come out!" she said, "It's time to come out. I stay for 8 years, and if I don't come out, I will rot inside." I couldn't cope with it for a while, and pondered for a while. "Take the Shinkansen the day after tomorrow and arrive at Tokyo Station at 3:20. Can you pick me up? Do you remember what I look like? Or is Naoko no longer interested in me after his death?" "Where." I said, "Pick me up at Tokyo Station at 3:20 the day after tomorrow." "I recognized it right away: I'm afraid there's no other milf with a guitar." Sure enough, I quickly recognized Reiko at Tokyo Station.She was wearing a men's tweed jacket, white trousers, and a pair of red sneakers.The hair is still very short, and he dashes out in threes and fives, holding a guitar in a black case in his left hand.As soon as she saw me, she twisted the wrinkles on her face and smiled.Seeing Reiko's face made me smile too.I took her travel bag, and the two walked side by side to the Central Line platform. "Oh, Watanabe-kun, when did you become such a hideous face? Or is it that the hideous face is popular in Tokyo recently?" "Traveled for a while and didn't eat anything decent." I said, "How about the Shinkansen?" "It's a mess. The windows don't open. I was going to buy a box lunch on the way. It's just bad luck." "Is there anyone in the carriage coming to sell things?" "You mean the expensive and unpalatable sandwiches? They can't even be swallowed by a starving horse. I used to like to buy gill fish rice in Gotemba." "Then talk like you're an old woman." "Well, it's an old woman. On the tram to Yoshizenji, she gazed at the scenery of Musashino out of the window with curiosity. "Eight years apart, even the scenery has changed?" I asked. "Watanabe-kun, do you know how I feel right now?" "have no idea." "Shocked and frightened, frightened and frightened, I'm going crazy. I don't know what to do, a person is thrown into this kind of place." Reiko said, "But, don't you think it's going crazy? Wonderful?" I smiled and shook her hand: "Don't be afraid, you don't have to worry at all, besides, you came out with your own strength." "I didn't get out there by my own strength," Reiko said, "I was able to leave there because of Naoko and you. First, after Naoko was gone, I couldn't bear the loneliness of being alone in that place; It is necessary to come to Tokyo to have a good talk with you. That's why I left there. Without these two points, I might spend my whole life there." I nod. "What do we do next?" "Go to Asahikawa, um, Asahikawa." She said, "A friend of the Music University set up a music classroom in Asahikawa. Two or three years ago, he persuaded me to help, but I refused; he said he was too lazy to go to such a cold place. But you know, after becoming a free body, I can't think of any other place to stay besides Asahikawa. I'm afraid that place doesn't look like a big trap made by accident, does it?" "It's not that scary." I smiled, "I've been there once, the town is not bad, and the atmosphere is quite interesting." "real?" "It's true, it's better than in Tokyo, for sure." "Anyway, there is no other place to go, and the luggage has been sent." She said, "Watanabe-kun, can you still find time to go to Asahikawa?" "Of course I will. But why don't you rush there? You should stay in Tokyo for a few days before you go!" "Well. Plan to stay for two or three days, if you can. Can I borrow a night with you? I won't get you into trouble." "No problem. I got into my sleeping bag and slept in the closet." "Sorry sorry." "It's okay, the closet is roomy." Reiko tapped lightly and rhythmically on the guitar shell sandwiched between her legs. "I'm afraid. Pat needs to train his body before going to Asahikawa. He is not familiar with the outside world at all. Many things are confusing and nervous. Can you help me with this? The only person I can rely on is you." "As much as I can help," I said. "Aren't I bothering you?" "What the hell can bother me?" Reiko looked at my face, twisted her lower lip and smiled, and said nothing more. We got off the tram from Kichijoji, and before we took the bus to my residence, we didn’t say anything formal, we just talked intermittently about the changes in Tokyo’s cityscape, about her Otaku era, and about my past trip to Asahikawa.Nothing was said about Naoko.I haven't seen Reiko for ten months, but now that I am walking alone with her, I still feel an incredible sense of peace and relief, and I feel as if I have felt similar feelings before.In retrospect, when Naoko and I were shopping in Tokyo, we had exactly the same feeling.Just as I shared Naoko's death with Naoko, now I share Naoko's death with Reiko.Thinking of this, I suddenly couldn't say anything.Reiko talked for a while by herself, but when she realized that I was silent, she stopped talking.So the two of them took the bus in silence; they came to my place. It was a bright and clear afternoon in early autumn—exactly the same as when I went to Kyoto to visit Naoko exactly one year ago.The clouds are like dry silk, thin and white, and the sky is empty, seemingly unobstructed.Another fall, I thought.The breath of the wind, the hue of the light, the little flowers dotted in the grass, and the echo left by a syllable all tell me that autumn is coming.As the seasons change, the distance between me and the dead also widens dramatically.Kizuki is still 17, Naoko is still 21, forever. "I'm relieved to be in a place like this." Reiko said as she got out of the car and looked around. "Because there is nothing." I walked into the courtyard through the back door, and led Reiko into the hut where Qingran was alone.Reiko admired almost everything she saw. "Great, this place is wide," she said, "You did it all?"shelf, table? "Yes." I said while pouring water to make tea. "You're pretty smart, you. The room is neat and tidy, too." "The Death Squad affected me. He taught me hygiene habits. But the landlord was happy about it, saying that I lived very cleanly. "Oh, by the way, I need to greet the landlord." Reiko said, "The landlord lives across the yard, right?" "Greetings? Do you need to exchange pleasantries?" "It's reasonable. If a weird-looking half-grandmother comes to play guitar at your place, the landlord will be puzzled, right? It's better to make sure about this first. I even prepared a pastry box for this." "Thank you for being thoughtful." I admired. "It's about age. I've already figured it out. If you say that your aunt is from Kyoto, you should speak with the same voice. Speaking of which, it's easier to keep the age apart at this time, and no one will think it's strange. " After she pulled out the pastry box from her travel bag and came out, I sat on the porch and drank another cup of tea and played with the cat.After 20 minutes, Reiko finally came back.When he came back, he took out a jar of biscuits from his travel bag and said it was a gift for me. "What the hell were you talking about for 20 minutes?" I asked, chewing on a biscuit. "Of course I'm talking about you." She hugged the cat close to her face and said, "Praise you for being a decent student." "About me?" "Yes, of course it's you." Reiko smiled.Then I caught a glimpse of my guitar, held it in my hand, tuned it down slightly, and played Karl Rose Jobin's "Not the Finale."Haven't listened to her guitar for a long time, and that sound warms my heart as always. "Learning guitar?" "Throwing it in the warehouse, Xilai played it casually." "Then, I'll teach you for free later." Reiko put down her guitar, took off her tweed jacket, and leaned against the pillar of the eaves to smoke.Under the coat, a two-color checkered half-sleeve shirt is worn. "Look, isn't this dress pretty?" "Not bad." I agreed.It was indeed a very chic checkered shirt. "This is Naoko's." Reiko said, "You know? Naoko and I, the clothes are about the same size, especially when she first came in there. Later, the child became plump, and the size changed a little, but basically it was not big. , no matter the jacket, trousers or shoes and hats, the only difference is the bra. Because I don’t have breasts. So, we often change clothes, or almost communism.” I looked at Reiko's body again.In this way, his figure and size are indeed similar to Naoko.Due to the shape of the face and thin wrists, Reiko is more skinny than Naoko.But if you look closely, the body looks extraordinarily strong. "The trousers and jacket are also Naoko's. Do you feel uncomfortable seeing me wearing Naoko's?" "Nothing. I think Naoko would be happy if someone wears her clothes. Especially if you wear them." "It's really strange," Reiko said, snapping her fingers lightly, "Naoko didn't write a suicide note to anyone, but she made it clear about the clothes. She wrote a line of cursive script on the note: Please give all the clothes to Reiko Don't you think this kid is weird? Why would he think of clothes when his life is about to end? Doesn't it matter what this thing is? There should be too many other things I want to explain. "There is nothing and nothing else to know." Reiko smoked a cigarette and thought for a long time. "I said, you really want to hear me start from the beginning?" "Please tell me and listen to me. "The results of the hospital examination said that although Naoko's condition is improving now, for the sake of the long-term, it is better to focus on radical treatment immediately. So Naoko was transferred to a hospital in Osaka, planning to live there for a longer time. I must have written to tell you about the above situation. For you, around August 10th..." "I see you." "On August 24th, Naoko's mother called and said that Naoko wanted to go back once, and asked if I could. She said that Naoko wanted to tidy up things by herself, and wanted to have a good chat with me, because she won't see me again in a short time, so it's ok. If so, I want to stay for one night. I said that I can do it. I also want to see Naoko very much, and want to talk to her. So, the next day, the 25th, she and her mother came by taxi. The three of us went from side to side While chatting, tidying up things. In the evening, Naoko told her mother that it’s okay to go on and ask her mother to go home. Her mother called a taxi and went home. Naoko looked very energetic, and her mother and I didn’t expect it at all. Others. To be honest, I was terribly worried before the meeting. I was afraid that she would suddenly become thin and emaciated. Because I knew that the body would be exhausted during the examination and treatment in that kind of hospital, and I was worried that she would not be able to bear it. But When I saw her, I felt relieved. Her complexion was healthier than expected. She was smiling and joking. Her expressions were much more normal than before. She also said that she went to the beauty salon and was proud of her new hairstyle, so I felt that her mother It doesn't matter if I'm not here. She said to me, Miss Reiko, I think I will fully recover in the current hospital. I said yes, maybe that's the best. Then we went for a walk outside and talked about everything. Talk about how to plan for the future or something. She said it would be nice if we could live together after we got out of here." "Naoko said to live with you?" "That's right." Reiko said, shrugging her shoulders. "So I said, I don't care, you don't care about Watanabe's affairs? Then she said: "I will take care of his affairs. "That's all. So we talked about where to live and what we were going to do. Then we went to the bird house to play with the horses." I drank beer from the fridge.Reiko lit a cigarette, and the cat fell asleep on her lap. "She decided everything from the beginning. So she looked so energetic. She was smiling. It was almost settled. The mood was relaxed. Then she tidied up the things in the room one by one, and put the unnecessary things in the yard. The gasoline barrel was burned, including the notes used as a diary, letters, etc., even your letter was burned. I felt strange and asked her why she burned it. Because she always cherished your letter and reread it often. She said: "I got rid of all the things in the past and started a new life in the future. "I don't doubt it, but simply agree with Ding. I think it makes sense. I thought it would be great if she could regain her spirit and be happy. Naoko was so cute that day, I wish I could show you too. Then we do as usual.Go to the restaurant for dinner and take a shower.I opened a bottle of fine wine to drink, and I played the guitar.As usual, it was her favorite tune.The Beatles' "Norwegian Forest", "Michelle Star" and so on.We were in a good mood, turned off the lights, took off our coats, and lay on the bed.It was very hot that night, and almost no wind came in even with the windows open.It was pitch black outside, the sound of insects was very loud, and the room was filled with the scent of summer grass.Then Naoko suddenly started talking about you.Talk about having sex with you, and be very detailed.How to be removed by you, how to let you touch the body.How to wet myself, how to let you penetrate.Tell me very frankly how wonderful it feels.I asked her why she was suddenly talking about these things, because Naoko had never been so open about sex in the past.Of course, talking frankly about sex was also a form of therapy, but she was too shy to talk about it in detail.And now the sudden chatter out, even I was startled. "I just wanted to say it," Naoko said. "If you don't want to hear it, I won't say it." "Okay, just avoid saying what you want to say, I will listen." I said. "When he came in, I was in such pain that I didn't know what to do," Naoko said. "That was my first time. Although it was wet, I came in at once, but it still hurt so badly that my head was almost numb. He went in all the way. When I thought it was the limit, he took my I lift my feet up and go in deeper. As a result, I feel cold all over my body, as if soaking in ice water. My hands and feet are numb, and the cold hits me. What happened? Will I just die like this? It doesn’t matter if I die , I thought. But he knew I was in pain, so he kept his posture and didn’t move, then hugged my body tenderly, kissed my hair, neck, chest, and kissed for a long time. Then my body gradually returned to warmth, and he It began to twitch slowly... Sister Reiko, that was really wonderful. The whole person seemed to be melting away. I even felt that it would be okay to be possessed by him for the rest of my life." "If it's so wonderful, why not live with him, isn't it possible to do it every day?" I said. "No, Miss Reiko," Naoko said. "It's clear to me that it came and went: it's never coming back. Somehow, it's only once in a lifetime. Before and after that, I didn't feel anything, and I didn't think about having sex with him. Never again Wet." Of course I explained it to her. , I said that these situations are easy to happen to young women, and they will get better as they grow older.And having had a smooth experience, don't worry.I said that when I first got married, it was not smooth, and it was quite troublesome. "Not this one," Naoko said. "Reiko, I'm not worried about anything. I just don't want anyone inside of me anymore. I don't want to be violated by anyone anymore." I finished my beer and Reiko smoked a second cigarette.The kitten stretched itself on her lap, changed its position and fell asleep again.Reiko hesitated, then lit the third cigarette. "Then Naoko twitched and made her cry," Reiko said. "I sat down beside her bed, stroked her head and said, it's all right, everything will be fine. A young and beautiful girl like you deserves to be pampered by a man so that she can be happy." On a sultry night, Naoko Sweat and tears.The whole body was soaked, and I took a bath towel to help her wipe her body.She even wet her panties.I'll help her take it off...don't think about it.Because we take a bath together every day, she is like my sister. " "I know that," I said. "Naoko asked me to hug her. I said it was so hot, how could I hug her? She said it was the last time, so I hugged her. I covered her body with a bath towel. Don't let the sweat stick to her. Wait. When she calmed down, she wiped her sweat again, put her nightgown on, and put her to sleep. She fell asleep immediately. Maybe she pretended to be asleep. Anyway, her sleeping face is so cute. Like a baby after birth Like a thirteen or fourteen-year-old girl who has never been hurt. Seeing this, I also went to sleep with peace of mind. When I wake up at six o'clock.She is no longer here.The nightgown was there, and the clothes, the sneakers, and the flashlight that had been sitting next to the pillow were all gone.I felt terrible then.is not that right?She went out with a flashlight, she must have come out from here in the dark.To be cautious, I looked at the desktop and found the note ""Please give all the clothes to Sister Reiko. "I'm going to ask everyone to find Naoko separately. So everyone searched thoroughly in and out of the woods from the dormitory. It took five hours to find her. She even prepared the rope for hanging herself." Reiko sighed and patted the kitten's head. "Do you want some tea?" I asked. "Thanks." she said" After I boiled water to make tea, I went back to the verandah.Evening was approaching, the sun was fading, and the shadows of the trees stretched long to our feet.While drinking tea, I looked at the ditang flowers, rhododendrons and rainy bamboos that were randomly planted in the courtyard. "Soon, the ambulance came and took Naoko away. I was asked a lot of questions by the police. Actually, I didn't ask anything. Since she left a note that looked like a suicide note, it was obvious that she committed suicide, and those people thought that the mentally ill Suicide is not surprising. So it's just a formal question-question. I'll telegraph you as soon as the police leave." "What a lonely funeral," I said. "It was quiet, and there were not many people. Her family always wondered how I would know about Naoko's death. I shouldn't have attended her funeral, so I felt bad and went on a trip right away." "Watanabe. How about going for a walk?" Ling Yu said. "By the way, let's do some shopping and make dinner. I'm hungry." "Okay. What would you like to eat?" "Hot pot." She said. "I haven't eaten hot pot for several years. I even dreamed of hot pot. There are meat, onions, shredded mushrooms and vegetables, tofu, and gou sang vegetables. It's piping hot." "It's good, but I don't have a pot for hot pot." "No problem, leave it to me. I'll borrow it from the landlord." She walked quickly to the main hall, borrowed a beautiful pot, a gas stove and a long rubber hose and came back. "How? It's amazing." "Indeed!" I said in admiration. We bought beef, eggs, vegetables and tofu in a small shopping street nearby, and bought a drop of decent white wine in a wine shop.I insisted on paying for it myself and she ended up paying for it all. "If people know that I let foreign pounds pay for vegetables, I will become the laughing stock of relatives and friends." Reiko said. "And I'm a little rich woman. So don't worry. No matter what, I won't run out penniless." Back home, Reiko washed the rice and cooked, and I stretched the rubber tube to prepare hot pot on the verandah.When the preparations were finished, Reiko took out her own guitar from the guitar case, sat on the dark porch, tuned it up, and slowly played the origin of Bach's fugue.The delicate parts are deliberately played slowly, or quickly, or roughly, or sadly, and listen lovingly to various sounds.Reiko, who plays and watches the guitar, looks like a 17- or 18-year-old girl staring at her beloved skirt, with bright eyes, tight lips, and an occasional smile.After playing, she leaned on the pillar and looked up at the sky, thinking about something. "Can I talk to you?" I asked. "Okay. I just feel hungry." Reiko said. "Aren't you going to meet your husband and daughter? They live in Tokyo." "In Yokohama. But I'm not going. Didn't I say that last time? It's good that they don't have contact with me. They have their new life. If they see me, they will hate pain. It's better not to see me." She crumpled up the finished Seven Star cigarette pack and threw it away, and took out a new pack from her purse.After tearing it apart, I opened one, but it failed to ignite. "I am a person who has passed away. This is just a remnant memory of my past before your eyes. The most important thing in me has long since died. I just acted on that memory." "But I really appreciate you now. Whether you're a remnant or something. Maybe that doesn't matter at all. You're willing to wear Naoko's clothes. I'm happy." Reiko smiled and lit the lighter with a lighter. "You are young, and you know how to please women." I blushed a little. "I'm just speaking frankly what's on my mind." "I know." Reiko said with a smile.Soon after the rice was cooked, I greased the pot and started to prepare for the pot. "This is not a dream!" Ling Yu sniffed and smelled the smell. "Based on my experience. This is 100% realistic hot pot." I said.We didn't talk about anything, just ate hot pot, drank beer, and ate in silence. "Sea Eagle" came running after smelling the aroma, and I gave him the meat.After eating, we leaned on the pillars of the verandah to watch the moon. "Are you satisfied with this?" I asked. "There's nothing to be picky about." Reiko said as if she was struggling. "It's the first time I've eaten that much." "What are your plans for the future?" "Take a break, I want to go to the bathhouse. My hair is messed up, I want to wash it." "Okay. The bathhouse is nearby." I said. "对了，渡边，若是方便，请告诉我，你和那位阿绿小姐已经睡过了吗？"玲子 "你是说有没有做爱？没有。在许多事情没弄清楚以前，我们决定不做" "现在不是都弄清楚了吗?" 我摇摇头表示不懂。"你的意思是直子死了，一切尘埃落定？" "不是这个意思。你不是在直子死去之前就作出决定，不会跟阿绿分开了么？这件事跟直子是活是死都无关，对不？你拣选阿绿。直于拣选了死。你已经是大人了，必须对自己所选择的负起责任。否则不是一塌糊涂吗？" "但我忘不了她。"我说。"我对直子说过，我会永远等她。可是我没有。结果来说，我还是放开她了。这不是谁对谁错的问题．而是我本身的问题。也许我纵然半路不放开她，结果还是一样，直于毕竟还是拣选死亡。但我觉得我就是不能原谅自己。虽然你认马那是一种自然的心灵活动，无可奈何，然而我和直子的关系并不如此单纯。想起来，我们从一开始就是在生死的交界线上互相结合在一起的。" "若是件对直子有某种哀痛的感觉的话，你就带看那种哀痛度过往后的人生好了。若是从中能够学到什么，你就学吧。不过，那是另一回事，你应该和阿绿共创幸福。你的哀痛和阿绿是扯不上关系的。若是你再伤害它的话，将会做成无法挽回的局面。虽然痛苦，你还是要坚强起来，你要长大成熟。我是为了向你说这句话，特意离开阿美宿舍，长途跋涉地搭那种棺材以的火车老远跑来这里的。" "我很了解你所说的。"我说。"但我还没作好准备。你不觉得吗？那个丧礼实在太寂寞了。人不应该那样子死去的。" 玲子伸手摸摸我的头。"总有一天，我们每个人都会那样子死去的，包括你和我。" 我们沿看河边走五分钟到澡堂。洗完后带看爽朗的心情回到家。然后拔掉酒瓶盖，坐在套廊喝。 "渡边，再拿一个玻璃杯来好吗？" "好哇。你想做什么？" "我们来为直子办丧礼。"玲子说。"一个不寂寞的丧礼。" 我把玻璃杯拿来后，玲子在杯里斟满葡萄酒，摆在院子的石灯笼上。然后坐在套廊，抱看吉他靠在柱子抽烟。 "如果有火柴的话，拿给我好吗？愈多愈好。" 我从厨房拿了一大包火柴过来，在她旁边坐下。 "我弹-首，你就在那里排一根火柴，好不好？从现在起，我把我会弹的都弹出来。" 她先弹了亨利曼西尼的"亲爱的心"，弹得优美而祥和。"这张唱片是件送给直子的吧?" "是的。前年的圣诞节。因为她很喜欢这首曲子。" "我也喜欢。非常优美。"她又弹了几段"亲爱的心"的旋律，辍一口酒。"在我喝醉之前，不知能弹几首？哎。这样的丧礼应该不会寂寞了吧！" 玲子改弹披头四的"挪威的森林"、"昨天"、"米雪兜"、"某事"、"太阳出来了"、"山上的傻叭"。我排了七根火柴。 "七首了。"玲子说看，喝一口酒，喷一口烟。"这些人的确很了解人生的悲哀和优雅。" 她口中的"那些人"，当然是指约翰连侬、保罗麦卡尼以及乔治哈里森了。 她叹一口气，揉熄香烟，又拿起吉他来弹"小巷"、"黑马"、"朱莉亚"、"当我六十四岁时"、"人在何处"、"我爱她"和"喃，朱蒂"。 "现在几首了？" "十四首。"我说。 "唔。"她叹息。"你也可以弹一首什么吧！" "我弹不好。" "不好也没关系嘛。" 我把自己的吉他拿来，战战兢兢地弹了一首"屋顶上"。玲子趁那时稍微休息，抽抽烟喝喝酒。我弹完后，她鼓掌。 然后，玲子弹了改编为吉他由约拉维尔的"献给公主的安魂曲"和德比西的"月光"，弹得细腻而优美。 "这两首曲子是直子死去以后才弹得好的。"玲子说。"她喜欢音乐的地步，直到最后都脱离不了伤感的境地。" 按著她演奏了几首巴卡拉殊的曲子："靠近你"、"雨不断滴在我头上"、"圭在你身边"和"结婚钟声的怨曲"。 "三十首了。"我说。 "我好像是自动点唱机"玲子开心地说。"音乐大学的老师看到这种场面，大概吓昏了。" 她喝看葡萄酒，一边抽烟，一边一首接一首地弹。弹了十首巴萨洛华，包括罗杰．哈特及高素恩的曲子。以及鲍伙伦、雷查尔斯、凯勒克、海边男孩、史提威汪达等人的音乐。"蓝色天鹅绒"、"青青草原"，所有一切的曲子都弹了。偶尔闭起眼睛轻轻摇头，配合旋律哼歌。 葡萄酒喝完了，我们改喝威士忌。我把院子哀的葡萄酒侥在石灯笼上，另外斟满一杯威士忌。 "现在几首了？" "四十八首。"我说。 第四十九首，玲子弹了"伊莉娜"，第五十首又是"挪威的森林"。弹完五十首后，她停下来，喝了一口威士忌。 "弹了这么多，应该够了。" "够了。"我说。"了不起。" "懂吗？渡边，把寂寞丧礼的事忘得一干二净吧！．"玲子盯看我的眼睛说。"只要记住这个丧礼就可以了。是不是很美妙？" I nod. "赠品。"玲子说。第五十首是她最爱弹的巴哈的赋格曲。 "渡边，跟我做那个吧！"弹完后，玲子小小声说。 "不可思议。"我说。"我也在想同样的事。" 在拉上窗帘的黑暗房间里，我和玲子极其理所当然似地相拥，互相需要对方的身体。我帮她脱下衬衫、长裤和内裤。 "我度过一段相当曲折的人生，做梦地想不到会议一个小我十九岁的男孩脱内裤。"玲子说。 "要不要自己来？"我说。 "没关系，你来好了。"她说。"我满身是皱纹，你别失望才好。" "我喜欢你的皱纹。" "我会哭的。"玲子轻声说。 我吻遍她的全身，用舌头甜她的皱纹。我的手按在她那宛如少女的小乳房上，温柔地咬它的乳头，手指伸进她那温湿的阴道缓缓抚动。 "渡边，不是那边。"玲子在我耳畔说。"那只是皱纹。" "怎么这个时候还会开玩笑？"我无奈说道。 "抱歉。"玲子说。"我害怕，因我太久没做了。感觉上像一个十七岁少女跑去男生的宿舍玩，却被脱光衣服似的。" "我的感觉真的像在侵犯一个十七岁少女似的。" 我的手指仲进她的皱纹中，亲吻她的脖子和耳垂。她的呼吸急促起来，喉咙开始颤抖时，我把她的腿打开。慢慢进入里面。 "没问题吧，你不会使我怀孕吧。"玲子轻声问我。"这把年纪怀孕很羞的。" "没事的。放心好了。"我说。 我进到深处，她颤抖看叹息。我温柔地抚摸她的背，用力抽动几次，突然无预兆地射精了。我无法控制自己，只能紧紧抱住她。 "对不起。我忍不住。"我说。 "傻瓜，何必这样想嘛。"玲子拍拍我的屁股。"你跟女孩子做爱时都在想这种事：" "Maybe." "跟我做的时候，不必想这个。忘了它。你爱几时就几时。怎样？舒服吗？" "太舒服了，所以忍不住。" "何必忍呢？这就好。我也觉得得棒。" "玲子。"我说。 "what?" "你应该再和人谈恋爱.这样子太可惜了。" "我会考虑的。"玲子说。"不过，旭川的人会谈恋爱吗？" 过了一会，我又勃起。玲子屏住呼吸扭动身体。我们边做边聊天。在她里面这样子聊天的感觉很美妙。我一讲笑话她就吃吃她笑，笑的震动传到我那儿。我们这样做了好久。 "这样的感觉美极了。"玲子说。 "动一动也不坏。"我说 "试试看。" 我把她的腰抱起来，进入更深处，尽情品尝销魂的滋味。当晚我们亲热了四次.完事后玲子在我腕臂中闭起眼睛深叹，身体不住地侈 "我以后不必再做爱了。"玲子说。"我把人生的全部都做完了，可以安心做其他事了。" "谁知道明天如何？"我说。 我建议玲子搭飞机去，又快又舒适，但她坚持要搭火车。 "我喜欢青函联络船，不想坐飞机。"她说。于是我送她到上好车站。她提看吉他箱子，我抬著旅行箱，我们并肩坐在月台的长椅上等火车。她跟来东京那一天一样，穿看斜纹呢夹克和白长裤。 "旭川真的不错？"玲子间。 "很好的城市。"我说。"过些时候，我会去看你。" "真的？" I nod. "我写信给你。" "我喜欢你的信。可是直子全都烧掉了。那么好的信。" "信只是普通的纸。"我说。"纵使烧了，留在心中的东西依然会留下，不能留下的留看也没用。" "老实说，我好怕。一个人孤苦零丁的去旭川，好可怕呀。所以，记得写信给我。看了你的信，我会觉得你就在我身边。" "你喜欢的话，我就天天写给你。没问题的。无论走到天涯海角，石田玲子都能活得很好。" "我总觉得自己体内好像还有什么东西堵住似的，难道是错觉？" "那是残存的记忆。"我说看笑起来。玲子也笑了。 "不要忘了我。"她说。 "永远不忘记你。"我说。 "也许以后没机会再见到你了，不过，无论丢到那里，我都会永远记得你和直子。" 我看看她的眼睛，她哭了。我禁不住吻了她。虽然周围经过的人频频盯看我们看，但我已经不在意了。我们活看，只须考虑怎样活下去就够了。 "祝你幸福。"分手之际，玲子对我说。"我能向你忠告的全都说完了，再也没什么好说的，只能祝你幸福。让我和直子那一份的幸福都给予你。" 我们握手告别。 我打电话给阿绿，说无论如何都要跟她谈一谈。我说我有很多话要说，必须对她说。在这个世界上，除她以外别无所求。我想见她，一切的一切从头开始来过。 阿绿在电话的另一端，沈默了好久。彷佛全世界的细雨下在全世界的青草地上似的，沈默无声。那段时间，我闭起眼睛，额头一直压在玻璃窗上，终于阿绿开口了。她用平静的声音说："现在你在哪里？" 我现在在哪里？ 我继续握住听筒台起脸来，看看电话亭的四周。如今我在什么地方？我不知道那是什么地方。我猜不看。到底这里是那里？映入我眼帘的只是不知何处去的人们，行色匆匆地从我身边走过去。而我只能站在那个不知名的地方，不停地呼唤阿绿的名字。 直子死了以后，玲子仍给我来了几封信。信上说那既非我的责任，也不是某人的责任，而是如同大要下雨，不是任何人所能制止的。但对此我没有回信、我能说什么呢？况且毕竟已经无可挽回。直子已不在这个世上，已经化为一杯灰烬。 8月末参加完直子凄凉的葬礼返京，我告诉房东自己准备离开一段时间。请其照看一下。并跑去打工的饭店，说暂时来不成了。继之给阿绿写了封短信：现在一言难尽，希望稍待时日，请谅。此后三天时间里，我挨家进电影院，从早看到晚，大凡东京上映的影片统统看了一遍。尔后收拾好旅行背囊，提出所有的银行存款，去新宿站乘上第一眼看到的特快列车。 至于去了什么地方及如何去的，我全然无法记起。风景、气氛和声响记得真真切切，而地点却忘得干干净净。连顺序也忘了。我乘上火车或公共汽车，或搭坐路上所遇卡车的助手席，一个城镇接一个城镇地穿行不止。如果有空地有车站有公园有河边有海岸，以及其他凡是可以睡觉的场所，我不问哪里，铺上睡袋便睡。也有时央求睡在派出所里，有时睡在墓地旁。只要是不影响通行而又可以放心熟睡的地方，我便肆无忌惮地大睡特睡。我将风尘仆仆的身子裹在睡袋里，咕嘟咕嘟喝几口低档威士忌，马上昏睡过去。遇到热情好客的小镇，人们便为我端来饭菜；而若是人情淡薄的地方，人们便喊来警察把我逐出公园。对我来说，好也罢坏也罢怎么都无所谓。我所寻求的不过是在陌生的城镇睡个安稳觉而已。 手头吃紧时，我就出三四天苦力赚一点现钱。无论哪里总有些苦力可做。我并无特定目的地，只是逐一在城镇中穿行不止。世界广阔无边，到处充满怪异的现象和奇妙的人们。我给阿绿打过一次电话，因为实在渴望听到她的声音。 "喂喂，学校早都开学了。"阿绿说，"提交听课报告的家伙都有好些个了。你怎么搞的，到底？整整三周音信全无。在哪里干什么呢？" "对不起，现在不能返京，还不能。" "你要说的只这个？" "现在一言难尽，有口难言。等到10月……" 阿绿一声不应，"砰"一声挂断电话。 我继续旅行，时而住进廉价旅店，洗个澡，刮刮胡须。一次对镜看去，发现我的嘴脸甚是丑恶。由于风吹日晒，皮肤粗糙不甚，双眼塌陷，瘦削的脸上出现莫名其妙的污迹和伤痕。看上去就像一个刚从黑暗的洞底爬上来的人，仔细一看，确实是我。 那段时间我走的是出阴海岸，大概是鸟取县或兵库县的北海岸一带。沿看海岸走起来很轻松，因为沙滩上一定有可以睡得舒服的地方。我把木头收集起来升火，烘烤从鱼店买来的鱼干吃。然后喝看威士忌，竖起耳朵听潮声想直子。她死了，已经不在这个世界了，这是何等奇异的事。我还是无法领会那个事实。我也无法相信那个事实。尽避我亲耳听见钉子打在她棺陋上的声音，但我就是不能接受她已归回虚无的事实。 我对她的记忆太过鲜明。她的口轻轻里著我的阴茎，头发搭在我的下腹的情景依然历历在目。她的体温、呼吸和手指的触觉，我都记得清清楚楚。就像五分钟前发生的事一样。我彷佛觉得直子就在我旁边。只要一伸手就可以碰到她。可是，她不在那儿。她的肉体已经不在这个世界的任何地方了。 在睡不著的夜晚，我会回想直子的各种风姿。我不能不想，在我体内债存了太多对她的回忆，只要撬开一点空隙，那些记忆就会一个接一个地跳出来，而我恨本不能阻止它们往外涌出。 我想起那个下雨的早晨，她穿看黄色雨斗蓬清扫鸟屋，搬饲料袋的情景。想起溃不成形的生日蛋糕。直子的眼泪弄湿我衣衫的触觉。对，那一夜也下看雨。冬天时，她穿看骆驻绒大衣走在我旁泄。她时常戴发夹，时常用手摸发夹。经常用一双清澈的眼睛凝视我的双眼。她穿著蓝色晨褛，在沙发上弯起膝盖，下巴放在膝上。 她的形象就如涨潮的波浪般接踵而至地涌向我，把我推向一个奇异的地方。我在那个地力与死者一同生活。在那里，直子是活的。和我聊天，甚至可以拥抱。在那个地方，死不是系紧生的决定性要素。在那里，死不过是构成生的无数要素之一而已。直子常看死在那里继续生存下去，然后她这样对我说："没关系。渡边，那只是死而已，不必在意。" 在那个地方，我不会感到悲哀。死是死，直子是直子。瞧，有什么关系？我不是在这里吗？直子难为情她笑看说。依然因她一个小动作就能稳定我的情绪，令我受创的心痊愈。于是我想，倘若这就是死的话，死也不是坏事。对呀，死根本没哈大不了。直子说："死不过是普通的外，我在这里更觉得轻松."直子从黑暗的浪潮深处向我这样倾诉。 终于退潮时，我一个人留在海滨。我觉得软弱无力，无处容身，悲哀化成黑暗包围我。那种时候，我时常独自哭泣。眼泪宛如汗水似地滚滚流下。 木月死去时，我从他的死学到一件事，而且当作座右铭带在身上，那就是： "死不是生的对等，而是潜伏在我们的生之中。" 的确那是事实。我们活着，同时在孕育死亡。不过，那只不过是我们必须学习的真理的一部分。直子的死告诉我这件事。不管拥有怎样的真理，失去所爱的人的悲哀是无法治愈的。无论什么真理、诚实、坚强、温柔都好，无法治愈那种悲哀。我们惟一能做到的，就是从这片悲哀中挣脱出来，并从中领悟某种哲理。而领悟后的任何哲理，在继之而来的意外悲哀面前，又是那样地软弱无力--我形影相吊地倾听这暗夜的涛声和风响，日复一日地如此冥思苦索。我喝光了几瓶威士忌，啃着面包，喝着水筒里的水，满头沾满沙子，背负旅行背囊，踏着初秋的海岸不断西行、西行。 一个秋风阵阵的傍晚，我正躲在废船阴影里裹着睡袋满面流泪的时候，一个年轻的渔夫走来，递我一支烟。我足有十个月未曾吸烟，便接过吸了一口。他问我为什么哭，我几乎条件反射地谎说母亲死了，所以悲伤得四处游浪。他从内心同情我，从家里拿来一瓶清酒和两只杯子。 在风声呼啸的海滩，两人举杯对饮。渔夫说他16岁死了母亲，说他母亲尽管身体不太结实，却从早到晚拼命劳作，结果积劳成疾，死了。我边喝酒边心不在焉听他说着，哼哈应付一两声。在我听来，仿佛发生在远不可及的世界里。这何足为奇！我不由陡然一阵心头火起，恨不得狠狠掐住这家伙的脖子。你母亲算什么？you say!我失去了直子，那般完美无瑕的肉体从地球上彻底消失了！而你却在啰啰嗦嗦地大谈什么你母亲！ 但这股怒气旋即烟消云散。我合上眼睛，似听非听地茫然听着渔夫没头没脑的话。过一会儿，他问我吃了饭没有。我回答吃是没吃，但背囊里有干奶酪、西红柿和巧克力。他问午间吃了什么，我说吃了面包、干奶酪、西红柿和巧克力。他于是叫我在这里等候，起身走开。我想劝阻，但他头也没回地倏忽隐没在黑暗中了。 没奈何，我便一人独饮。沙滩上满是烟花屑，海浪大发雷霆般地轰隆隆猛扑上来，在岸边摔得粉碎。一只瘦骨磷峋的狗摇着尾巴跑近，围着我燃起的炊火摇头晃脑转了几圈，寻找可吃的东西，发现一无所有，失望地走开了。 过了30多分钟，刚才那位年轻渔夫手提两个"寿司"饭盒和一瓶新酒折回来。 "这个吃掉！"他说，"下面的饭卷是海菜和油炸豆腐包的，明天再用。"他把一升瓶装酒倒进自己杯里，给我的杯子也斟了。I thank him.一个人吃了足够两人吃的"寿司"饭。随后两人喝起酒来，喝到不能再喝下去的时候，他叫我去他家住，我推说自己一个人睡在这里更好，他没再硬劝。临分手时，从衣袋里掏出一张四折的五千元钞票，塞进我衬衣兜里，叫我买点什么营养品吃，说我脸色难看得很。我谢绝说已经承蒙如此款待，哪里还能再要钱，但他执意不收回。说这不是钱，是他的心意，叫我别多想，拿着就是。我只好道谢收下。 渔夫走后，我摹地记起高中三年时第一次睡过的女友，在她身上自己做的何等残酷！想到这点，我心里感到一阵冰冷，无可救药的冰冷。我几乎从未思考过她会作何想法，有何感受，以及心灵受何刺激。甚至至今都未好好想过她一下。其实她是个非常温柔的女孩儿，只是当时我将那种温柔视为理所当然的东西，丝毫未加珍惜。她现在做什么呢？能够原谅我么？I think. 我心里难受得不行，一口吐在废船旁边，由于酒喝过量，脑袋开始发痛。加之对渔夫扯谎，还拿了他的钱，更觉快快不快。我想差不多该是返京的时候了。总不能长此以往，无尽无休。我将睡袋卷起塞进背囊，扛着朝国营铁路车站走去，问站务员现在回东京应如何乘车，他查了时刻表，告诉说若能碰巧赶上夜行车，竖日一早即可抵大皈，再从那里转乘新干线去东京。我道声谢谢，用渔夫送给的五千元钞票买了到东京的车票。候车时间里，我买份报纸看了眼日期：1970年10月2日。就是说我正好连续旅行一个月。心想这回横竖得重返现实世界了。 一个月的旅行并未使我的情绪豁然开朗，也没有缓解直子的死给我的打击。我以同一个月前几无变化的心境返回东京，甚至