Chapter 15 Chapter Eleven Bitter Love

That year, 1969, reminded me of the swamp.It was a sticky mud that seemed to completely fall off with every step.I was walking very hard in that mud.I can't see anything in the front and back, no matter where I go, there is only an endless gray swamp that continues. Even time moves with my pace.The people around have already run to the front, only me and my time are dragging and crawling in the mud.The world around me has changed a lot.John Cotter, for example, even these famous people are dead.Everyone calls for reform, as if they see reform coming not far away.However, those incidents are at best just unrealistic and meaningless background days.I barely put on a face and just went about my day in and day out.What is reflected in my eyes is only the endless mud.Take a step forward with your right foot.Lift the left foot, then the right foot.I can't find where I am.Not sure if it's going in the right direction either.I only knew that I had to go forward, so I went forward step by step.

I entered my twenties, autumn and winter came and went, and my life didn't change at all.I continued to go to college with no interest, worked part-time three days a week, occasionally re-read "Biography of a Tycoon", and on Sundays I did laundry and wrote long letters to Naoko.Occasionally meet with A Midori.Eat and eat, run to the zoo, watch a movie.The sale of Kobayashi Bookstore was going well, so Midori and her sister rented a two-bedroom apartment in Myoga Valley to share.Ah Lu said that if her sister got married, she would move out and rent another house.I was invited to have lunch there once, and it was a beautiful apartment facing the sun, and Midori seemed much happier than when she lived in Kobayashi Bookstore.

Yongze invited me to play several times, but every time I refused because of something.I just find it troublesome.Of course I don't want to sleep with girls.But the thought of just drinking in a night market, finding a suitable girl to strike up a conversation with, and then going to a hotel makes me feel tired.For Nagasawa, who never gets tired of it, I regained my awe.Maybe it was influenced by what Hatsumi said.It made me feel happier thinking about Naoko than sleeping with a strange and boring girl.The touch of Naoko's finger that guided me to ejaculate in the grassland that day remains in my heart more vividly than anything else.

At the beginning of November, I wrote to Naoko asking if I could meet her there during the winter break.Reiko wrote me back.She said I was welcome to go.Since Naoko is still unable to write the letter smoothly, she will write it for her.However, Zhiqian's condition has not deteriorated, it just has ups and downs like waves, so don't worry. As soon as the university vacation was over, I stuffed my luggage into my backpack and put on my snowshoes to go to Kyoto.As the wonderful doctor said, the scenery in the mountains surrounded by snow is indeed beautiful.Like last time, I stayed in Naoko and Reiko's room for two nights, and spent about three days almost the same as last time.After nightfall, Ling played the guitar and we chatted.Instead of going to a picnic during the day, the three of us played cross-country skiing.Putting on ski shoes and walking in the mountains for an hour, I couldn't help but sweat profusely.In my spare time, I also help everyone remove snow.The strange doctor named Guan Tian occasionally joined our table and told us "why people's middle fingers are longer than index fingers, but feet are counterproductive".Omura, the gatekeeper, still talked about pork in Tokyo.Reiko liked the records I brought as presents so much that she wrote down some of them and played them on the guitar.

Naoko is much more reserved than she was in Autumn.When the three of them were together, she barely spoke, just sat on the sofa and smiled.Reiko spoke a lot on her behalf. "Don't worry about it," Naoko said. "That's the way it is now, it's more fun to listen to you than to say it myself." When Reiko went out on the pretext of errands, Naoko and I hugged on the bed.I kiss her neck, shoulders and breasts lightly, and she guides me with her fingers as before.After ejaculating, I hugged Naoko and told her that for the past two months, I have always remembered the touch of your fingers and masturbating while thinking about her.

"Haven't you ever slept with someone else?" Naoko asked. "No." I said. "Then, remember this too." Saying that, she moved her body down, kissed my dick lightly, and then held it tenderly, licking it with her tongue.Her straight hair falls to my lower stomach, moving back and forth in time with the movement of her lips.Then I ejaculate again. "Will you remember?" Naoko asked me afterwards. "Of course, I'll always remember." I said.I put my arms around Naoko and put my finger in her panties to touch her pussy, fuck it.Naoko shook her head and pushed my hand away.We hugged and watched without saying a word for a while.

"After this school year is over, I want to move out of the dormitory and look for another house." I said. "I'm getting tired of dormitory life, and as long as I work part-time, living expenses are not a problem. If possible, do you want to live together? Just like I said last time." "Thank you. I'm so glad to hear that," Naoko said. "I also felt that this place is a good place. It is quiet, the environment is good, and Reiko is also a good person. But it is not suitable for long-term living. Because this place is too special, the longer you live here, the harder it is to leave."

Naoko didn't speak, but looked out the window.Only snow can be seen outside the window." The snow cloud looked down gloomyly, and there was only a little space between the snow-covered earth and the sky. "You can think about it slowly." I said. "In any case, I will move before March. If you want to go to my place, you are welcome to come anytime." Naoko nodded.I hugged her body in bursts like holding a glass handicraft that is easy to break.Her arms circled my neck.I looked naked, she was only wearing a pair of white panties.Her body is beautiful, no matter how you look at it, you can never get tired of it.

"Why don't I get wet?" Naoko whispered. "That's the only time I've really messed around. On my twentieth birthday in April. That night you had it. Why can't I?" "It's a mental problem, it will go well after a while, don't worry." "My problems are all mental," Naoko said. "If I never get wet and can't have sex for the rest of my life, will you still love me forever? Can you endure sex with only hands and lips forever? Or do you solve sex problems with other women Qilin?" "I'm an optimist at heart." Find that

Naoko sat up in bed and put on a T-shirt, flannel lined and blue jeans.I also put my coat back on. "Let me think about it," Naoko said. "Think about it, too." "I will." I said. "Also, you are good at playing the flute." Naoko blushed a little and smiled sweetly. "Kizuki said the same thing." "He and I agree very much in terms of opinions and interests," said Look.I laughed. Then we met each other at the kitchen table, drinking coffee and talking about the past.Gradually, she could talk about Muyue.She chooses words sporadically.It stopped when it snowed.Never seen a clear sky in three days.When we broke up, I said that I would come in March, and then hugged and kissed her across the thick coat. "Goodbye," Naoko said.

In 1970, my teens came to an end, and I entered my twenties.Then I stepped into a new quagmire.I passed the final exam with relative ease.Because I had nothing to do, I went to school every day, and passed the exam without any special effort. Several disputes occurred inside the dormitory.The group who joined the school activities hid helmets and iron bars in the dormitory, and because of this, they clashed with the dormitory's favorite physical education students, resulting in two injuries and six being kicked out of the dormitory.That incident left a long tail, with almost daily skirmishes.A heavy air enveloped the dormitory, and everyone became nervous.I was also implicated because of this, and was almost beaten up by the guys in the physical education department. Fortunately, Yongze came in to mediate and it was resolved.Anyway, this is my time to move out of the dorm. After the exam was over, I started to look for a house seriously.It took a whole week to finally find a cheap room on the outskirts of Kichijoji.Although the transportation is not very convenient, fortunately it is an independent one, so it can be said that I picked up a bargain.This room, which is similar to a yard guard hut, stands alone on a large corner of it, looking at a rather deserted courtyard separated from the main hall.The owner uses the front door and I use the back door for privacy.There is a small kitchen and toilet in one room, and a large closet beyond imagination.There is even a suite facing the courtyard.The rent is quite cheap, on the condition that the landlord's grandson may come to Tokyo next year, and I have to move out then.The owner is an old couple with a good temper, they won't be picky about anything, and told me to do whatever I like. Yongze helped me move.He borrowed a pickup truck from nowhere and carried my luggage for me.He also gave me the refrigerator, TV and big thermos as promised.as for me.Just the gift you could have wished for.He also moved out of the dormitory two days later.Move to an apartment house in Mita. "I don't think we'll see each other for a while, just take care," he said when they parted. "However, as I said before, I always feel that I will suddenly meet you in some strange place in the future." "I'm looking forward to it," I said. "By the way, let's talk about the exchange of female partners last time. I think the one who is not beautiful is better." "I feel the same way." I said with a smile. "However, Nagasawa, you should cherish Hatsumi. It's hard to find a good girl like her, and her heart is more easily hurt than her appearance." "Well, I know." He nodded. "To be honest, it would be great if I could take care of her after I'm gone. I think you and Hatsumi will get along very well." "Don't be kidding:" I am dumb. "Just kidding." Nagasawa said. "I wish you happiness: Although you have many problems, you are also quite stubborn. I think you will handle Yuga. May I give you a piece of advice?" "Hurrah." "Don't pity yourself," he said. "Compassion for oneself is the work of mean people." "I'll remember that." I said.So we shook hands and said goodbye.He went to his new world, and I returned to my own muddy world. Three days after the move, I wrote to Naoko.I wrote down what my new home looked like.I was very happy and relieved when I thought that I would be free from the black smoke of the dormitory and no longer have to be disturbed by the boring thoughts of those boring guys.I want to start a new life with a renewed mood in this place. "Outside the window is a large courtyard, which has become a gathering place for the cats in the neighborhood. Whenever I have free time, I lie on the porch and watch the cats. I don't know how many there are, but there are a lot of them. So we all lay there and basked in the sun .They don't seem too fond of me settling down in the middle of nowhere, but when I put down the expired slices of cheese, a few of them came over timidly and ate them. Maybe I'll be on good terms with them before long. One of them has half an ear The broken tabby male cat actually looks like the housekeeper of the dormitory where I live. It makes me feel as if the national flag will start to be raised in the yard now. It's quite far from the university, but when I entered the special course, the morning classes were reduced a lot, so I don't think it would be a problem to go to class.You can read a book slowly on the tram.On the contrary, it may be a good thing.All that remains is to find an easy part-time job on Wednesday, Thursday, or two days near Kichijoji, so that I can resume my "clockwork life" every day. I'm not in a hurry to see a conclusion, but spring is a good time to start something new, and I think it would be best if we lived together from April onwards.If all goes well, you can also go back to school.If you have problems living together, I can also find you a house nearby.The most important thing is that we are nearby and can meet anytime.Of course, it doesn't have to be in spring.If someone thinks summer is good, then summer, no problem.What is your opinion on this matter?Can you answer me? After I settle down, I plan to go to work again. In addition to earning back the cost of moving a ball, it always costs a lot of money to start a personal life. At least I have to buy all the pots and utensils.However, it will be free in March.I will definitely visit you.Can you tell me when is the most convenient time?I will go to Kyoto according to your time.I look forward to your face and wait for the reply. " Two or three days later, I went to Kichijoji Street to buy my daily groceries piece by piece, and made some simple loose meals at home.I went to a nearby lumber shop to buy wood planks and used them to make a desk and a drum table.I also built a shelf, bought all the condiments, and a white female cat who was only half a year old began to approach me and eat at my place.I named the cat "Sea Crane". After generally settling down, I found a part-time job in a paint shop on the street, working as an assistant to a master painter for two consecutive weeks.The salary is good.But it was quite laborious, and the smell of thinner made me dizzy.After work, dinner and beer, I went home to play with the kittens, and then slept like a dead body.Two weeks passed, and Naoko never heard back.On the way to knead the lacquer, I suddenly thought of Ah Xian.Thinking about it carefully, I haven't talked to her for three weeks, and I haven't even informed her that I have moved.I mentioned to her that I was going to move, but she said "Oh" at that time, and I haven't contacted her since. I went into the public phone booth and dialed Midori's apartment number.Her sister answered the phone, and when I gave my name, she said "please wait a moment", but waited and waited.Ah Lu didn't come to answer the phone. "Hey, Midori is very angry, she said she doesn't want to talk to you"" said her sister. "You didn't contact her when you moved, did you?You didn't even tell her where you were going, just left without saying a word, didn't you?So she was fuming with rage.Once the child gets angry, it is very difficult to calm down.Same as animals. " "I once explained it to her, can you call her to listen for me?" "Then I've explained it now, I'm sorry, could you please tell Midori?" "She said she didn't want to hear your explanation." "I'm not doing it." Her sister said indifferently. "You can explain that kind of car to her yourself: you are not a manly horse? You should take responsibility for it yourself." I had no choice but to say thank you and close the line.Later, I felt that it was not unreasonable for Ah Lu to be angry.In order to move and make money to settle in a new house, I didn't think about Alu at all.Even Zhi Yu hardly thought about it.I have always been like this, once I concentrate on doing something, I completely ignore the things around me. Then I thought about it the other way around, what would I think if Ah Lu also moved without telling me where to move, and didn't contact me for three weeks?Most likely feel hurt.And it hurt pretty badly.How to put it, although we are not a couple, but in a certain way, we are closer than a couple, and we accept each other.Thinking of this makes me very sad.What I hate the most is hurting others meaninglessly, especially the ones I cherish. After work, I went home and wrote to Alu about looking at the new desk.I honestly wrote down what I thought.I don't give excuses or explain.Just apologizing for my carelessness.I said, "I'd love to see you. I want you to come and see my new home." Then I put a courier stamp on it and put it in the mailbox. However, after waiting left and right, there was still no response. The wonderful early spring is coming.During spring break, I've been waiting for a reply.They don't travel, they don't go back to their hometown, and they don't even want to work part-time.Because Naoko may write to me at any time asking me to see her relationship.During the day, I went to the streets of Kichijoji to watch two simultaneous movies, and read books for half a day in the Jazz Cafe.Didn't see anyone, didn't talk to anyone.Then Ji Bin wrote to Naoko every week.I didn't mention asking her for an answer because I knew she didn't like being pushed.I wrote about the part-time job in the lacquer shop, the "Haihe", the peach blossoms in the garden, the kind aunt in the tofu shop, the bad-hearted aunt in the food store, and what I cook every day.Still no reply. When I also got tired of reading books and listening to records, I started to tidy up the garden slowly.I borrowed brooms, bamboo handles, hedgerows and scissors from the owner to pull out the weeds and trim the overgrown trees appropriately.With just a little tidying up, the garden becomes quite aesthetically pleasing.While I was pruning, the owner asked me if I wanted tea.I sat on the porch of the main hall, drank tea and ate pancakes with him, and chatted about family affairs.The homeowner said that after retirement, he worked as a director of an insurance company, and resigned from his directorship two years ago to spend his days leisurely at home.The house and land are all left by the ancestors, and the children are independent, so they can spend their old age leisurely.He also said that his couple often travel abroad. "That's great." I said. "It's not good," he said. "Traveling is no fun at all. It's not as good as working." He said that the reason why he left the garden unattended was that it was difficult to find a gardener in this area. He could have tidied it up slowly by himself, but recently his nasal allergies have become more serious.Unable to protect flowers and weeds.Yeah?I say.After drinking tea, he took me to look at the storage room, and said that there was no good reward, and if there were any useful things in it, just take them and use them.The storage room is indeed full of all kinds of sundries.Everything from bath tubs to kids' swim rings to baseball bats.I found an old bicycle, a small dining table, two chairs, a mirror and a guitar, and asked him if he could lend them to me, and he said that as long as you like it, you can use it. I spent the day scraping the rust off the bike, filling it with oil, putting air in the tires, adjusting the gears, and going to the bike shop to put in a new clutch and wires.In this way, the bicycle is so beautiful that it is almost unrecognizable.I cleaned the dust off the dining table.Repainted.The strings on the guitar were all replaced with new ones, and any loose boards were superglued.Then use a brush to remove the rust and tighten the screws.Although not a very good guitar, it can generally produce the correct tone.Looking back, I started owning a guitar after high school.I sat on the lap, recalling the "On the Roof" of the Rangers band that I had practiced before, and slowly trying to play.Incredibly, I still remember most of them. Later, I made a letterbox out of the remaining planks, painted it with red paint, wrote my name on it, and erected it in front of the door.However, before April 3rd, the letters in the mailbox were only notified by the forwarded high school classmates.No matter what happened, I didn't want to participate in the activities of the class reunion, because it was because of the classes that Kizuki and I were in.I immediately threw it into the wastebasket. On the afternoon of April 4th, a letter was put into my mailbox. It was from Reiko.write on the back of the envelope The name "Ishida Reiko", I cut open the seal with scissors, and sat on the verandah to read the letter.From the very beginning, I had a hunch that the content of the letter would not be very good, and it was as expected after reading it. First, Reiko apologized for the delay in replying.She said that Naoko has been struggling in her heart to write back to you, but she has never been able to complete it.I said several times that I would write for her, and I said that it would not be too late to reply, but Naoko insisted that it was a personal matter and that she had to write it herself, so it has been delayed until now.Reiko said.It may have caused you a lot of trouble, and I hope you forgive me. "Perhaps you have had a hard time waiting for the letter this month. For Naoko, this month has also been quite a painful one. Please understand this. To be honest, her situation is not optimistic at the moment. She is trying to find a way Relying on his own strength to recover, but there is no effect yet. If you think about it carefully, the first symptom is that you can't write letters smoothly.It probably started at the end of November or the beginning of December. When she tried to write a letter, she was disturbed by many people talking to her. So she was disturbed in the choice of words. In your Before the second visit, it was mild, and frankly, I didn't think much about it, because we all have this kind of periodic symptom. But when you go back, her symptoms have become serious. Now Even everyday conversation is difficult for her. She can't choose her words, so she is very confused now. Confused and timid, and listening is getting worse. We discuss with specialists every day.Naoko, the doctor, and I talked about everything, trying to find out exactly what was missing in her heart.I suggest that if possible, you may wish to join the discussion.The doctor agreed, but Naoko objected.According to her, the reason was "I want to see him with the most beautiful body".I tried desperately to convince her.That wasn't the problem, it was the need to recover as soon as possible, but she wouldn't change her mind. As I explained to you before, this is not a specialized hospital.Although there are also specialists who can provide effective treatment, it is not easy to provide intensive treatment.The purpose of the equipment here is to create an effective environment for patients to treat themselves, and does not include medical treatment.Therefore, in case Zhizi's condition deteriorated, I had to transfer her to another hospital with medical equipment. I also felt very uncomfortable, but I had to.Of course, doing so is tantamount to a temporary "business trip" for treatment, and it is possible to come back here again.If all goes well, he may be discharged from the hospital after being completely cured.In any case, we will do our best, and so will Naoko.Please pray for her recovery, and write to her as you have done. Reiko Ishida March 31" After reading the letter, I continued to sit on the porch and gaze at the yard, which was completely full of spring.There is an old cherry tree in the yard, and the cherry blossoms are very lush.The wind was soft, and the sun turned into strange and indistinct hues.After a while, "Sea Crane" ran out from nowhere, creaked and scratched on the wooden boards of the verandah for a while, and then stretched generously by my side to sleep. I knew I had to think, but I didn't know what to think.To be honest, I don't want to think about anything.Although the time when I have to think about it will come soon, and then I will slowly think about it.At least for now I don't want to think about anything. I stroked and looked at the "Sea Crane" on the verandah, and looked at the courtyard by the pillars all day long.It felt like I had exhausted all my energy.Finally night fell.The bluish night surrounded the courtyard. "Haihe" has long disappeared, and I am still looking at the cherry blossoms.In my eyes, the cherry blossoms are like rotten flesh bursting out of the skin.The courtyard was filled with the rotten smell of many rotting meats.Then I thought of Naoko's body.Naoko's beautiful body lay in the darkness.Buds of countless plants emerged from her skin, and those green buds trembled slightly as they were blown by an unknown wind.Why does such a beautiful body get sick?Why couldn't they give Naoko some peace? I walked into the room and drew the curtains, and the room was filled with the fragrance of watching spring.Although the scent of spring fills the ground, ding now only reminds me of rancidity.In the room where the curtains were drawn, I hated spring violently.I hate everything that spring brings me.Hate it too for waking up pain deep inside me.This is the first time in my life that I hate something so strongly. For the next three days, I lived the wonderful days of Wanga walking on the bottom of the sea.I can't hear someone talking to me, and they can't understand what I say to someone.It feels like a thin film is placed around me, preventing me from getting in touch with the outside world smoothly, and at the same time, they cannot touch my skin.I am weak in myself, and they are the same with me. I leaned on the wall and stared blankly at the ceiling. When I was hungry, I ate what was available. When I was sad, I drank whiskey and went to sleep.I didn't take a bath or shave, and I went like this for three days. On April 6th, Alu sent a letter.She said that registration for courses was on April 10, and she suggested that we meet in the courtyard of the university on that day and have lunch together.He also said that it deliberately delayed the reply, so let's make it a tie and make up as before!Because she can't see me, she is also very lonely.Ah Lu's letter said so.I reread her letter four times and still don't quite understand what she means.What is the point of this letter?My mind was so fuzzy that I couldn't find the contact points of the sentences and the connections between the sentences.Why was it a "tie" when I saw her on the day of "course registration"?Why does she want to have "lunch" with me?I feel that my mind is also starting to become abnormal, my consciousness is slow, and it is as powerless as the hatred of a dark plant.I vaguely thought, I can't go on like this.It can't go on like this forever, something has to be done.Then I suddenly remembered Yongze's words: "Don't pity yourself." "Pitying yourself is something that despicable people do." Woohoo, Nagasawa, you are amazing.So I sighed and stood up. I haven't done laundry in a long time and now I do it again, go to the bathhouse, shave, clean the house, do the shopping, cook a decent meal, feed the "sea eagle", don't drink alcohol other than beer, do Thirty minutes of gymnastics.When I looked in the mirror while shaving, I realized that my face had suddenly lost weight.The eyes are so big and ugly, it seems to be someone else's face. The next morning I rode my bicycle a little farther, and after lunch at home, I re-read Reiko's letter again.Then settle down and think about what to do in the future.The biggest reason why Reiko's letter had a great impact on me was that I had previously optimistically predicted that it would develop in a good direction, but the prediction was completely opposite. Naoko herself said it was deeply rooted, and Reiko said she didn't know what else could happen.But I met Naoko twice, and my impression was that she was getting better gradually. The only problem was how to restore her courage and return to the real world. I thought that as long as she regained her courage, we could work together to solve all the problems.However, my fantasy city built on fragile assumptions suddenly collapsed because of Reiko's letter.All that remains after that is the plane of insensibility.I have to pull myself together.It will probably take a long time for Naoko to recover again.Even when she recovers, she will be weaker and less confident than before.I had to adapt myself to that new situation.Of course, I know very well that my strength cannot solve all problems. In any case, all I can do is to improve my morale and continue to wait for her recovery. I think of Kizuki.Muyue, I am different from you, I decided to live on, and live on my own way.You must be in pain, and so am I.real.It's a relationship that leaves Naoko behind and dies.However, I will never abandon her.Because I'm in love with her, and I'm stronger than her.I will live stronger than now and mature.I'm going to be an adult and I have to.I used to wish I could stay seventeen or eighteen forever, but not anymore.I'm not a teenager anymore.I feel what is called responsibility.Muyue, I am no longer the person I was with you back then.I am twenty years old.In order to survive, I have to pay a good price! "What's the matter with you? Watanabe." Midori said. "Why are you so skinny?" "Really?" I said. "Did you do too much with other people's wives?" I smiled and shook my head. "I haven't slept with a woman since last October." Midori whistled hoarsely. "You haven't done that in half a year? Really?" "Yes." "Then why are you so thin?" "Because I grew up." I said.Midori grabbed my shoulders and kept staring into my eyes.He frowned for a moment, and finally smiled brightly. "Really. Compared with before, it seems to be a little different." "Because I've grown up." "It's awesome that you have such an idea." Midori said admiringly. "Let's eat: I'm hungry:" We decided to go to the small restaurant behind the Faculty of Arts to eat.I ordered a set meal for the day, and she also wanted a "Watanabe, are you angry?" Midori said. "What are you angry about:" "I'm mad at me for not answering my letter out of revenge. You think I shouldn't? Because you've apologized so well." "It's my fault, there's no way." I said. "But revenge like this, isn't it calm?" "My sister said I shouldn't be like that, that I'm not tolerant enough, that I'm too childish." "Ok." "That's good." "You are really tolerant." Ah Lu said. "Hey, Watanabe, I really haven't had sex for half a year." " "No." I said. "The last time you put me to sleep, you really wanted to have a good time with me, didn't you?" "Maybe." "But you didn't do it:" "Since you are my most important friend now, I don't want to lose your relationship." I said. "At that time, if you insisted, I probably couldn't resist. At that time, I was really weak!." "But mine is big and hard." She smiled and touched my wrist lightly. "Before that, I decided to trust you. I believed it 100%. So I fell asleep with peace of mind. I know it's okay to be with you, so I can rest assured. Did I sleep soundly?" "Well. Indeed it is," I said. "Also, if it's the other way around, you say to me: "Lu, will you have sex with me?"Everything will be fine. "I think I'll probably do it to you. Even though I say this, don't think I'm seducing you, or prodding you as a joke. I just want to tell you honestly how I feel." "I understand." I said. While we were eating lunch, we showed each other the course selection registration ten.Found that we have two classes that are the same.That is, I can see her twice a week.Then she talks about her life.She said she and her sister couldn't adjust to apartment life at first.Because compared with the past life, it is too easy now.Ah Lu said that they are used to taking turns taking care of patients, helping with business, and being busy in and out every day. "However, recently I began to feel that this kind of life is good." Ah Lu said. "This is a life for our own happiness and auspiciousness, so we don't have to worry about anyone. You can do whatever you like. But I can't calm down, as if my body is floating in the air two or three centimeters from the ground. I don't think it's real, so An easy life is impossible in reality, so we are very nervous. Lest we suddenly turn it upside down." "The hard-working sisters!" I said with a smile. "It was really hard in the past." Ah Lu said. "But it's okay, we will fully redeem everything we lost in the future:" "I'm sure you can do it," I said. "What does your sister do every day?" "Her friend recently opened a jewelry store near Omotesando, and she helps out three days a week. In addition, she learns to cook, dates with her fiancé, watches movies, or just goes in a daze. In short, she is enjoying life." Midori asked me about my new living situation, and I told about the layout of the house, the big courtyard, the cat named "Haihe" and the owner. "Are you happy?" "Not bad." I said. "But, you look listless." Midori said. "But, it's spring." I said. "It's a nice sweater that she knits for you." Startled, I looked at the grape-colored sweater I was wearing. "How do you know she wove it?" "You're so frank. That's just a wild guess, so I don't need to say it." Alu seemed taken aback, "But you really don't have the energy." "I'm trying to cheer myself up." "You might as well think of life as a cookie jar." I squeezed my head and looked at Ah Lu's face. "Maybe I'm out of my head, sometimes I don't understand what you're talking about." "Isn't the biscuit jar filled with all kinds of biscuits, including favorites and dislikes? If you eat the favorites first, the rest will be the ones you don't like. I always think this way when I feel bad. Although it is not satisfactory at present, but it will be fine in the future, first bitter and then sweet. Life is like a cookie jar.". "It's kind of a philosophy, too." "Indeed. I learned it from experience." Midori said. While drinking coffee, two girls who looked like students in Alu's class walked into the store, exchanged course registration cards with Alu, and talked about last year's German scores, how did they get injured in the internal disturbance, and those beautiful shoes Where is really waiting not to look at marginal topics.I listened absently, as if the conversations were coming from the other side of the world.I drink coffee and look at the scenery outside the window.As always a college spring scene.The sky is cloudy and misty, and the cherry blossoms are in full bloom. I seem to be a freshman holding a new textbook and walking on the road. Looking around, I feel at a loss again.I think about Naoko who still can't go back to school this year.By the window of this shop, I looked at a small glass vase with anemones in it. After the girls said their goodbyes and returned to their desks, Alu and I walked out of the coffee room, took a walk on the street, went around the second-hand bookstore, bought a few books, went into the coffee room to drink coffee, and went to the game Playing marbles in the center, talking with Kan sitting on a bench in the park.Most of the time, it was Ah Lu who was talking, and I answered her with a hmm.Ah Lu said she was thirsty, so I went to a nearby candy store and got two bottles of Coke.During that time, she wrote on report paper with a ballpoint pen.I asked her what to write and she said nothing. At half past three, she said she was leaving because she had an appointment with her sister to meet in Ginza.We walked to the subway station, where we parted ways.When we parted, Midori stuffed a piece of report paper folded into four into my coat pocket and told me not to read it until I got home.I opened it on the tram to watch it. "A little forward. Now you go to buy Coke, I take advantage of this time to write this letter.It was a first for me to write to a person sitting next to me.But if I don't, I won't be able to convey to you what I'm about to say.In fact, no matter what I say, you hardly listen to it.right? do you know?You did something cruel to me today.You didn't even notice that my hairstyle changed, did you?I've worked so hard to grow my hair long and managed to get a feminine cut last week.And you didn't realize it.This hairstyle sure looks good.And we haven't seen each other for a long time, I thought you would be shocked when you saw me, but you completely treat me as transparent, isn't it too much?You probably can't even remember what clothes I'm wearing.I'm a girl too.不管你有什么心事都好，起码应该好好看我一眼吧：只要你说一句"你的发型好可爱"，其后不管你怎么想怎么做，我都会原谅你。 因此我向你撒了谎。我说我和姐姐约好在银座碰头是骗你的。我本来打算今天到你家过夜，连睡衣也带来了。不错，我的袋子里面有睡衣和牙刷。哈哈，我好傻。因你根本没邀我到你家去。不过算了，你似乎觉得我在不在都无所谓，你像是希望一个人独虚的样子，我就让你独处好了。请你尽情去胡思乱想好了。 不过，我也不是十分气你。我只是觉得寂寞极了。因你对我百般亲切，而我好像不能为你做什么。你一直把自己关在自己的世界里，虽然我咚咚咚地敲门叫渡边，你仅仅台台眼，又马上回到自己的世界。 现在你拿看可乐走回来了。好像一面走一面想心事，我希望你摔一绞就好了，但你没有。如今你坐在我旁边，咕咕声喝看可乐。我期待你买可乐回来时会发现，然后说"哦，你的发型改变啦。"毕竟希望落空了。若是件察觉到了，我会把这封信撕碎，告诉你说"吱，到你那儿去吧：我为你做一顿好吃的晚餐，然后亲亲热热地一起睡觉。"然而你就像铁板一般粗心大意。Goodbye! P． S．下次在教室见面时，请不要跟我讲话。 " 我在吉祥寺车站打电话去阿绿的公寓，没人接。由于无所事事，我在吉祥寺的街上闲逛，看看能不能找一份半工读的兼职。我周六、周日全天有空，周一、三、四从下午五点开始可以工作，但要找到一份完全配合那个日程表的工作并不容易。我放弃了，买了晚餐的喂菜回家，又尝试打电话给阿绿。她姐姐接电话，说阿绿还没回家，何时回来不太清楚。我道谢了就收线。 晚餐后，我想写信给阿绿，改了几次不能写成，结果转而写信给直子。 我说春天到了，新学年又开始，见不到你，非常挂念，无论以怎样的形式都好，我很想见你，和你聊天。我已决定坚强起来，因我没有别的路可以选择了。 "还有一个我的问题，对你而言也许无所谓，就是我不再跟别人睡觉了。因我不想忘记你碰我身体时所留下的感觉。对我而言，那种感觉比你想像中更重要。我永远记得当时的事。" 我把信放进信封，贴上邮票，坐在桌前注视它片刻。这封信比平时写的短很多，但我觉得这样反而能够把意思传达给对方。我在玻璃杯里斟了三公分左右的威士忌，分两口喝掉，然后上床睡觉。the next day.我在吉祥寺车站附近找到一份只有星期六日两天的兼职。在-间规模不大的意大利餐听当侍应，条件差强人意，附午餐，也给交通费。如果周一、周三、周四的晚班休假他们时常拿假期我可以代替他们上班，这对我实在很恰当。做满三个月加薪，经理叫我这个星期六开始上班。跟新宿唱什行那个不长进的店长比起来，这位经理看起来能干得多。 我打电话到阿绿的公寓，又是她姐姐接电话，她说阿绿从昨天起一直没回家，她也想知道阿绿的行踞，她用疲倦的声调问我有无头绪。我所知道的只是她的袋子里有睡衣和牙刷而已。 星期三的课，我见到了阿绿。她穿一件草绿色的毛衣，戴一副夏天常戴的深色眼镜。她坐在最后一排位子上，跟一个以前见过一次的戴眼镜小蚌子女孩聊天。找走过去。告诉阿绿待会有话对她说。戴眼镜的女孩先看看我，然后阿绿看看我。阿绿的发型的确比以前有女性韵味了，看起来成熟许多。 "我约了人。"阿绿侧一例头说。 "不会化你太多时间，五分钟就够了。"我说。 阿绿摘下眼镜，眺起眼睛。宛如正在眺望一百米以外一间快要倒塌的废屋时的眼神。 "我不想跟你说话，对不起。" 戴眼镜的女孩用"她说她不想跟你说话"的眼神看我。 我坐在最前排右端的位千听课。一关于田纳西威廉斯戏剧的总论其在美国文学占有的地位一上宗课，我慢慢数二声，然后回头。已经不见阿绿的人影。 一个人度过的四月是个太过寂寞的季节。四月里，周围的人看起来都很幸福。人们脱下大衣，在阳光下聊天。玩投球，谈情说爱。而我完全的孤苦零丁。直子、阿绿、永泽，一个个都离开我所在的地点好远。现在的我连城"早安"、"午安"的对象也没有。我甚至怀念起"突击队"来。我在百无聊赖的孤烛中送走了四月。我曾几汰旧试找阿绿，它的答覆总是一样。她说现在不想跟我讲话，从她的语调可以知悉，她是出自真心的。她通常和那个戴眼镜的女孩在一起，不然就跟一个高个子短头发的男生在一块。那个男生的腿很长，每次都穿白色的篮球运动鞋。四月结东，五月来临。五月比四月更难过。到了五月，我感觉到自己的心在深春里颤抖和摇动。那种颤动通常在黄昏时刻来临。在木莲花香轻轻飘荡的昏暗中，我的心莫名地被膨胀、颤抖、摇晃和痛楚所刺透。那时我就紧闭双眼，咬紧牙关，等候那种痛楚过去。它在漫长的时间里过去以后，留下隐隐的痛楚。 那时我会写信给直子，我在信中只写美好和愉快的事物。关于草的香味、舒畅的春风、月光、电影、喜欢的歌、感动的书之类。当我重谛那些内容时，我自己也觉得安慰。我觉得自己生活在一个何等美好的世界中啊：于是我写了好几封这样的信。然而直子或玲子都没回信给我。 我在做兼职的餐厅认识一个叫伊东的打工学生。和我同年，我们时常在一起聊天。他在美术大学念油画系，为人老实，沈默寡言，我们认识了一段时间才开始交谈的。我们放工后，到附近的咖啡室喝喝啤酒，天南地北地聊。他喜欢看书听音乐，我们通常都聊这些。伊东长得硕长俊秀，对于当时的美术大学男生来说，他的头发算短了，而且衣著清洁。他说得不多，但有正当嗜好和想法。喜欢法国小说，偏爱乔治巴泰尔和波里斯维安的作品，音乐方面则常听莫札特和拉维尔。他和我一样，正在寻找在这方面烹气相投的朋友。 他曾招待我去他自己的寓所。位于井之头公园后面的别致平房公寓，屋里放满画材和画框。我说我想看看他的画。他说不好意思，画得不好，不想让我看。我们喝看他从他父亲那里伦愉带来的芝华士威士忌，用炭炉烤鱼吃，听卡沙德修斯演奏莫札特的钢琴协奏曲。 他出生于长崎，把情人留在故乡出到东京来念书。每次回去长崎都会跟她上床，不知何故最近相处得不太融洽，他说。 "你也多少了解女孩子啦。"他说。"女孩子到了二十或二十一时。突然开始具体地考虑许多事情，变得非常现实了。以前觉得她很可爱，现在看起来既庸俗又忧郁了。一见到我，通常亲热之后，就会问我大学毕业后怎么打算。" "你打算怎样？"我也问。 他一边啃鱼一边摇头。"我能怎样打算？没得打算呀，油画系的学生。如果考虑前途的话，谁也不会念油画了。因为读完油画系出来的人，连饭也没得吃。于是她叫我回长崎当美术老师。她准备当英语教师哪。哀哉！" "你已经不那么爱她了，是不？" "大概是吧。"伊东承认了。"何况我根本不想当什么美术老师：我不想像猴子般教那些吵吵闹闹又没教养的中学生昼昼，然后这样终了一生。" "为了双方看想。是不是跟地分手比较好？"我说。 "我也这样想，可是说不出口呀。我觉得对不起她。因为她认定要跟我结婚。如果对她说我们分手吧，我已经不受你了之类的话，实在说不出来。" 我们不加冰块，干喝芝华士威士忌。吃完烤鱼，就把黄瓜和西芹菜切细，沾味当来吃。吃黄瓜时发出删删声，令我想起阿绿的父亲。接看想到失去阿绿，我的生活变得何等无味可厌，不由难过起来，不知不觉间，原来她的存在已在我心中逐渐膨胀。 "你有没有情人？"伊东问。 我作个深呼吸才答说："有是有的，但有一些隐情，她现在离我很远。" "可是心灵相通，是不？" "但愿如此。若不这样想就没得救了。"我半开玩笑地说。伊东很平静地说起莫札特的长处。就如乡下人熟知山路一样，他也熟知莫札特音乐的精华所在。他说他父亲很喜欢莫札特，所以他从二岁起就听了。我对古典音乐所知并不详细，但是一边听他解释"这个部分"、"怎样？这里"之类，一边倾听莫札特的协奏曲时，的确觉得心平气和起来。这是很久已没有的感觉。我们望看俘在井之头公园上空的上弦月，喝完最后一滴芝华士威士忌。美味无比的酒。 伊东叫我留下来过夜，我以有事婉拒了他。谢谢他的威士忌之后，九点以前离开他的公寓，回家的路上打电话给阿绿。稀罕地，阿绿亲自接电话。 "对不起。现在不想跟你讲话。"阿绿说。 "我知道，因为听过好多次了。可是，我不想就这样结束我和你的关系，你真的是我少数的朋友之一，不能见你真的好难受。我几时才能跟你说话？至少应该告诉我这个吧！" "到了适当时候。我会主动找你的。" "你好吗？"我问。 "还好。"她说，然后挂断电话。 五月中旬，玲子寄来一封信。 "谢谢你定时来信。直子欢欢喜喜地读了，我也借来看了。我看你的信，不介意吧。抱歉好久没写信给你了。老实说，我也有疲倦的倾向，而且没什么好消息可说的。直子的情形不太好。前些时候，直子的母亲从神户来，和我、直子、专科医生四个人一起交谈了许多，最后达成协议，暂时把她转去专科医院进行集中治疗，看看结果再回来这里。直子也希望留在这里治病，我也舍不得和地分开，而且担心她。可是坦白地说，在这里逐渐不容易控制她了。平时没什么事，但她经常情绪很不稳定，那种时候我们不能离开她半步，因为不晓得会发生什么。直子有严重的幻听，她把一切关闭起来，钻入自己的牛角尖。 因此我也认为直子暂时进去适当的医院接受治疗是最好的事。虽然遗憾，但没办法。就如以前告诉过你的，耐心等待最要紧。不要放弃希望，把纠缠的线团逐一解开。不管事态看起来如何绝望，一定可以找到线头的。周围纵然黑暗，只好静观其变，等候眼睛适应那种黑暗了。 当你收到这封信时，直子应该移送到那间医院去了。联络得太迟，我也觉得抱歉，可是许多事情都是匆匆忙忙之间定下的。新医院是一家有定评的医院，条件很好，也有高明的医生。地址写在下面，请往那边写信。我这边也会得到直子的情况，届时再告诉你，但愿有好消息可写。想必你很难过，但不要灰心。直子不在以后，仍希望能给我写信来--即使不经常也好。goodbye. 这年春天我着实写了好多信。每周给直子写一封，给玲子也写，还给阿绿写了几封。在大学教室里写，在家把"海鸥"放在膝头俯着桌子写，间歇时伏在意大利饭店的餐桌写。简直就像通过写信来把我几欲分崩离析的生活好歹维系在一起。 "由于不能同你说话，我送走了十分凄楚而寂寞的四月和五月。"我在给阿绿的信中写道。"如此凄楚寂寞的春天我还是第一次体会到。早知这样，让2月连续重复三次有多好。现在对你说这话我想为时已晚--那新发型的确对你非常合适，非常可爱。眼下我在一家意大利饭店打工。从厨师那里学会了做极细的面条，十分好吃，很想几天内请你品尝一次。" 我每天去学校，每周在意大利饭店做两三次工，同伊东谈论书和音乐，从他手里借来几本巴雷斯看，写信，同"海鸥"玩，做细面条，侍弄庭园，边想直子边取乐，一场接一场看电影。 阿绿向我搭话是6月快过完一半的时候。两人足有两个月没开口了。上完课，阿绿来我邻座坐下，手拄下巴，半天没有吭声。窗外雨下个不停。这是梅雨时节特有的雨，没有一丝风，雨帘垂直落下，一切都被淋得湿漉漉的。其他同学全部离开教室后，阿绿也还是以那副姿势默然不动，一会儿，从棉布上衣袋里掏出万宝路街在嘴上，把火柴递给我。我擦燃一根给她点上。阿绿圆圆地噘起嘴唇，把烟缓缓地喷在我脸上。 "喜欢我的发型？" "好得不得了。" "如何好法？" "好得全世界森林里的树统统倒在地上。" "真那样想？" "真那样想。" 她注视着我的脸，良久，把右手伸出。我握住它。看上去她比我还要如释重负。阿绿把烟灰抖落在地板上，倏地起身立起。 "吃饭去吧，肚子贴在一起了。"阿绿说。 "where to?" "日本桥高岛屋商店的食堂。" "干吗故意去那种地方？" "隔些日子我就想去一次那里。" 于是我们乘地铁来到日本桥。也许从早上就开始下雨的关系，商店里空空荡荡，没有几个人影。整个店内充溢着雨气味，店员也因无所事事显出无聊的神情。我们走到设在地下室的食堂。细细看了一遍陈列的样品，两人都决定吃盒饭。虽是午饭时间，但食堂里人并不挤。 "在商店的食堂吃饭，这可是相隔好久的事了。"我一边说一边端起几乎惟独商店食堂才能见到的光溜溜的白茶杯，喝了一口。 "我喜欢这样。"阿绿说，"觉得好像做了一件特殊事情。这大概同小时的记忆有关，小时很少很少由大人领着逛商店。" "我倒好像常逛，我妈喜欢逛商店的。" "真好。" "也谈不上好不好，我本来不乐意去什么商店。" "不是那个意思。我说的好是指在大人关怀下长大。" "嗅，独生子嘛！"我说。 "小时候我就想好了，长大后一定一个人来商店食堂饱饱吃上一顿。"阿绿说，"不过也够无聊的，独自在这种地方毛毛草草吃顿饭，哪里能有什么意思。既不是特别好吃的东西，又乱哄哄地让人心烦意乱，空气又糟，光是地方宽敞。但我还是时常想来这里。" "这两个月好难熬啊广我说。 "从你信上知道了。"阿绿面无表情地应道，"反正先吃饭吧，除此以外我现在考虑不了别的。" 我们把半圆形饭盒里的东西一扫而光，喝了汤，饮了茶。阿绿吸了支烟。吸罢，一言不发地迅速立起，拿伞在手。我也随之欠身，拿起伞。 "这回去哪里？"我问。 "来商店吃完饭，往下当然是去天台喽！"阿绿说。 雨中的天台一个人也没有。爱畜用品柜台看不见售货员。小卖店和乘用物售票处也都落着卷闸门。我们撑着伞，在湿漉漉的木马。花木架、摊床之间散步。东京的闹市区中心居然有此等荒凉的场所，我有些意外。阿绿说要看望远镜，我投进一枚硬币，她看的时候为她撑伞。 天台角有一小块带凉棚的娱乐场，摆着几台儿童游戏机。我和阿绿在里边一条歇脚凳样的矮台上坐下，观望丽景。 "说点什么呀！"阿绿说，"总该有话说吧，你？" "我并不想为自己辩护，不过上次我确实心绪很糟，头脑本木的，对好多事都心不在焉。"我说，"但见不到你后我才深深意识到--只因有你，我才得以好歹坚持到现在。而失去你之后，我着实孤独得好苦。" "可你不知道吧，渡边君？由于不得见你，这两个月我是多么寂寞，度日如年。" "不知道，没想到。"我惊讶地说，"我以为你生我的气，所以才不想见我。" "你这人脑袋怎么这么简单？我肯定想见你的嘛！我不是说过喜欢你的吗？我并不会随随便便喜欢上一个人，或轻而易举抛弃一个人。这点你还看不出来？" "那当然是那样………" "不错，我是生你气来着，恨不得狠狠踢你一百八十脚。还不是，好久才见一次面，你却呆愣愣地只顾想别的女人，看都不愿看我一眼，我就是生这个气。不过另一方面我一直在想，恐怕还是同你分开一段时间为好，即使为了把事情弄清楚。" "事情？" "就是我同你的关系。具体说来，我已经渐渐觉得同你在一起更有意思，较之同他相处。你不认为这无论如何都不合情理都有欠稳妥？当然我是喜欢他。虽然他多少有点固执、偏激，有点法西斯，但优点也多的是。而且一开始我也是经认真考虑才喜欢他的。但是，对我来说，你这人总像有些与众不同。和你在一起，我感觉再称心如意不过。我信赖你，喜爱你，不愿放弃你。一句话，自己对自己都逐渐没了主意。这样，我就去他那里开诚布公地商量，看如何是好。他叫我别再找你，说如果再找你就得同他一刀两断。" "那怎么办了？" "和他断交了，利利索索的。"说着，阿绿把一支"万宝路"衔在嘴上，用手找着划火柴点燃，猛猛吸了一口。 "why?" "为什么？"阿绿吼道，"你脑袋是不是不正常？又懂英语假定形。又能解数例，又会读马克思，这一点为什么就不明白？为什么还要问？为什么非得叫女孩子吐口？还不是因为我喜欢你超过喜欢他么？我本来也很想爱上一个更英俊的男孩儿，但没办法，就是相中了你。" 我想说句什么，但喉头似乎有什么东酉堵着，一时未能出口。 阿绿把烟扔进水注："喂喂，别阴沉着脸，叫我看着难受。你放心，知道你另有心上人，我什么都不指望。不过抱一抱我总可以吧？这两个月我也真熬得够呛！"－。 我们在娱乐场后头撑伞抱在一起。身体紧紧贴住，嘴唇急切切地合拢。她的头发。她的牛仔布茄克的领口都发出一股而气味。我不由想：少女的身体是何等柔软何等温暖！隔着一层茄克衫，我胸口明显感到了她的乳房，觉得自己确实好久都未曾接触如此充满生机的肉体" "上次和你见面那天夜里，我就跟他讲了，就此各奔东西。"阿绿说。 "我非常喜欢你。"我说，"打心眼里喜欢，不想再撒手。问题是现在毫无办法，进退两难。 "因为那个人？" I nod. "嗯，告诉我，和她睡过？" "只一次、一年前。" "那以后再没见面？" "见了两次，但没干。"我说。 "那又为什么？她不是喜欢你么？" "无可相告。"我说，"情况极为复杂，千头万绪，而且由于天长日久，实情都渐渐变得模糊不清，不论对我还是对她，我所知道的，只是一种责任，作为某种人的责任，并且我不能放弃这种责任。起码现在我是这样感觉的，纵使她并不爱我。" "我可是有血有肉的活生生的女孩儿，"阿绿把脸颊擦在我脖颈上说，"而且现在就在你的怀抱里表白说喜欢你。只要你一声令下，赴汤蹈火都在所不惜。虽然我多少存蛮不讲理的地方，但心地善良正直，勤快能干，脸蛋也相当俊俏，乳房形状也够好看，饭菜做得又好，父亲的遗产也办了信托存款，还不以为这是大拍卖？你要是不买，我不久就到别处去。" "需要时间。"我说，"需要思考、归纳、判断的时间。我也觉得对不起你，但现在只能说到这里。" "但你是喜欢我，是不想再撒手吧？" "那当然是的。" 阿绿离开身子，动情地一笑，看着我的脸。"那好，我等你，因为我相信你。"她说，"只是，要我时就只要我，抱我时就得只想我。明白我说的意思？" "明明白白。" "还有，你对我怎么样都可以，但千万别做伤感情的事。在过去的生活里我已经被伤害得够厉害了，不想再受下去，我要活得快活些。" 我搂过阿绿，吻着她。 "还不快把那破伞放下，拿两只胳膊紧紧抱住广她说。 "放下伞不淋成落汤鸡了？" "管它什么落汤鸡！求你现在什么也别想，只管死死抱住我。我都整整忍耐两个月了。" 我把伞放在脚下，顶着雨把阿绿紧紧搂在怀中。惟有车轮碾过高速公路的沉闷回响仿佛缥缈的雾霭笼罩着我们。雨无声无息、执着地下个不停，我们的头发已被彻底淋透，雨滴如同泪珠一般顺颊而下，她的牛仔布茄克和我的黄色尼龙风衣全被染成了深色。 "到能避雨的地方去吧？"我说。 "去我家！家里谁也不在。这样非伤风不可。" "百分之百。 "瞧，咱俩活像从河里游过来的。"阿绿边笑边说，"痛快！" 我们在毛巾柜台买了条大号