Chapter 13 Chapter 9 The View of Abnormal Love

Halfway through that week, my palm was cut deeply by the glass.Because I didn't notice that the glass partition of the record cabinet was cracked.There was a lot of bleeding, dripping to the feet, the floor was stained red, and even I was shocked.The store manager came over with a few towels, used them as a bandage to hold me tightly, and answered and called to inquire about the location of the emergency hospital that is also open at night.This person doesn't have much ability, so it's very quick to deal with him at this time.Luckily the hospital was nearby, but before we got there, the towels were stained red and spilled blood dripped onto the asphalt.People hurriedly made way for me.It seems they thought I was injured in a fight.I didn't feel much pain, it was just that the blood flowed non-stop.

The doctor took off the bloody towel indifferently, tied my wrist tightly for me, stopped the bleeding, disinfected and sutured the wound, and told me to come back tomorrow.Back at the record store, the store manager said I could go home, and he went to work for me.So I took the bus back to the dormitory.I'll go to Nagasawa's room first.Because of the injury, I was excited and wanted to talk to someone, and I didn't think I had seen him for a long time. In his room, he watched Spanish lectures on television, drinking beer from a can of beer as he watched them.Seeing me in a bandage, ask me what's wrong.I said it was a minor injury, but nothing serious.He asked if he wanted a beer and I said no.

"It's over soon, wait a minute," Nagasawa said, and practiced his Spanish pronunciation.I boil water myself and drink tea with brown color.A Spanish woman read the example text on TV: "This kind of heavy rain history is not an exception. In Barcelona, ​​several bridges were washed away." Yongze also read it himself, and then said: "The example texts are all like this, really of. " After the Spanish lecture, Nagasawa turned off the TV and took out another can of beer from the refrigerator to drink. "Will I bother you?" I asked. "Excuse me? Not at all. I'm just feeling bored. Really don't want beer?" I said no.

"Yes, yes. The last exam has been announced. I passed." Nagasawa said. "Examination by the Ministry of Foreign Affairs?" "Yes, officially, it's the Ministry of Foreign Affairs Recruitment Examination, isn't it a stupid name?" "Congratulations." Said look, I stretched out my left hand to shake him. "thanks." "Of course you will pass." "Of course." Nagasawa said with a smile. "However, it must be a good thing to be hired." "Do you have to go abroad after entering the Ministry of Foreign Affairs?"

"No, in the first year you have to study in China, and then you will be sent abroad." I stopped watching the black tea, and he drank beer with relish. "This refrigerator, if you want it, I'll give it to you before you move out." Yongze said. "You want it: With a fridge, there's cold beer." "If you can, of course. But don't you also need to be hard? After all, you are going to live in Bao's apartment." "Don't be silly. If I left this place, I would live a luxurious life with a bigger refrigerator. After four years of living in such a poor place, I don't want to see these used things again. TV, Kettle, radio, whatever you like will be given to you."

"I don't care." I said.Then I picked up the Spanish textbook on the table and read it. "You started learning Spanish P." "Well, the more languages ​​the better, the more you know, the more useful they are. Besides, I was born with a talent for languages. Even French, I learned quite well by self-study. It's like a game, as long as you know the rules, the rest will be handy. It's like having a girlfriend." "Quite a reflective way of life," I said jokingly. "By the way, do you want to have dinner together?" Yongze said. "Go fishing and hunting women again?"

"No. It's just a meal. Me, Hatsumi and you three, go to a formal dinner party to celebrate my employment. Try to go to the most expensive restaurant, anyway, dad is the one who pays." "This kind of celebration, shouldn't it be better for Hatsumi and you two?" "It's happier to have you here. Both Hatsumi and I hope you are here." Nagasawa said. Alas.Isn't that exactly the same as when Chip, Naoko and I were together? "After dinner, I'll spend the night at Hatsumi's. Let's have dinner together, the three of us!" "You two think that's convenient, so go ahead." I said. "However, what are you going to do with Hatsumi's affairs? After your studies, you will go abroad to serve, and you probably won't be back for several years. What about Hatsumi?"

"That's Hatsumi's problem, not mine." "I don't quite understand what you mean." He put his feet on the table and drank his beer, then yawned. "Anyway, I don't want to marry anyone, and I've made it clear to Hatsumi. So, if Hatsumi wants to marry someone else, I won't stop her. If she doesn't want to marry, she can wait for me. That's what it means. " "Hmm." I couldn't help admiring. "You think I hate too much, don't you?" "Yes, you are too much." "This world is fundamentally unfair. I didn't cause it. It has been like this from the beginning. I have never cheated on Hatsumi. In a sense, I am a very excessive person. I have told her in advance that if she Break up if you don't like me."

After Yongze finished his beer, he lit a cigarette. "Have you ever felt fear in life?" I asked. "Zhi, I'm not a fool." Yongze said. "Of course, I also have times when I feel afraid of life. That goes without saying. However, I don't make that a precondition. I will give full play to my ability. Go for what you want, and don't fight for what you don't want." Fight for it. This is how I survive. If it doesn’t work, I’ll think about it when I get to the point where I can’t do it. I said this is an unfair society, but think about it the other way around: this is also a society where you can give full play to your individual abilities.”

"Seems like a selfish theory," I said. "However, I am not one to sit on the sidelines. I have been working hard in my own way, ten times harder than you." "Exactly." I admitted. "Sometimes it's really tiresome to look at the world. Why don't those guys work hard? How can you just complain that the world is not fair without hard work?" I stared at Nagasawa's face in surprise. "It seems to me that the world works hard. Am I wrong?" "That's not called hard work, it's just labor." Nagasawa said succinctly. "The hard work I'm talking about is not like this. The so-called hard work should have a theme and a goal."

"You mean like you decided to get a job and you started learning Spanish while everyone else was still in a daze?" "Exactly. In the spring, I will be able to master Spanish completely. I understand English, German, French, and almost Italian. Do you think this can be achieved through hard work?" He was smoking, and I was thinking about Lu's father.Ah Lu's father probably never dreamed of watching TV to learn Spanish: he never thought about the difference between hard work and labor!He was too busy with work, and had to go to Fukushima to bring back his daughter who had run away from home. "As for the meal, I decide this Saturday, how about it?" Nagasawa said. I say yes. Nagasawa chose a quiet, high-end French restaurant on a back street in Azabu.After Yongze said his name, we were led to the VIP room inside.On the wall of the small room, there are fifteen prints.Before Hatsumi arrived, Mizusawa and I were talking about Conrad's novels while enjoying delicious wine.Nagasawa was wearing an expensive-looking gray suit, and I was wearing a very ordinary navy blue sports jacket. About fifteen minutes later, Hatsumi arrived.She had put on her make-up with great care, gold earrings, a smart dark blue dress, and elegantly shaped red stilettos.When I complimented her on the nice color of her skirt, she told me it was called "Midnight Blue". "It's a nice place." Hatsumi said. "Dad eats here every time he comes to Tokyo. I accompanied him once before. I don't like the pretentious cuisine very much," Nagasawa said. "What does it matter if you eat once in a while? Don't you think so? Watanabe." Hatsumi said. "My dad usually brings women along," Yongze said. "Because he has a woman in Tokyo." "Really?" Hatsumi said. I pretended not to hear and drank wine. Finally the waiter came and we took our order.We all chose side dishes and soup, Nagazawa's main course was duck, and Hatsumi and I had donkey fish.Food came slowly, we drank and chatted.At first, Yong Ze talked about the topic of the Ministry of Foreign Affairs exam.He said that almost all the candidates were garbage that could be thrown into a deep swamp, and only a few of them were decent.I asked him, which ratio is higher or lower than the ratio in the general society? "Of course the same." Nagasawa showed a natural expression. "That ratio is the same everywhere, fixed." After drinking the wine, Yongze ordered another bottle, and ordered a double serving of Scotch whiskey for himself. Then Hatsumi started introducing me to the topic of girlfriends again.This is an eternal topic between Hatsumi and me.I wanted to introduce me to a "very cute girl from the lower class in the same club", but I always avoided it. "She's really a good girl, and she's pretty. I'll bring her here next time. Let's have a chat. You'll like it." "No." I said. "I'm too poor to be worthy of the girls in your college. I have no money, and I can't talk about speculation." "Oh, nothing. She's a good girl with a big heart and no airs." "Watanabe, what does it matter if we meet once?" Yongze said. "It doesn't have to be that way." "Of course. If you do it, it will be a disaster. She is a big girl with yellow flowers," Hatsumi said. "Just like you before." Yongze said. "Yes, just like me before." Hatsumi smiled sweetly. "However, Watanabe, it has nothing to do with being poor. Except for a few girls in the class who put on airs, we are all ordinary. We eat 250 yen lunch in the school cafeteria at noon." "Hello, Hatsumi." I interrupted. "In my school cafeteria, there are three types of lunches: A, B, and C. A is 1110 yuan, B is 100 yuan, and c is 80 yuan. Sometimes I eat meal A, and everyone stares at me. .Some people can't even afford c meals, and eat a bowl of ramen for 60 yuan. I am a school of this level. Do you think we can talk?" Hatsumi laughed out loud. "It's such a cheap lunch. I want to eat it. But Watanabe, you're a nice person. I'm sure you can talk to her. Maybe she likes a 120-yen lunch too." "How come?" I said with a smile. "Nobody likes that kind of lunch until they have to." "But you can't overturn a boatload of people, Watanabe. Although it is a noble school with a smell of copper, there are quite a few girls who think seriously about life issues and live a serious life. Not everyone They all want to make friends with boys in sports cars." "Of course I know that." I said. "Watanabe has another favorite." Nagasawa said. "About her, this man never said anything, kept his mouth shut, and was a complete mystery." "Really:" Hatsumi asked me. "Really. But it's not a mystery. It's just that the situation is so intricate that it's hard to explain." "Is it an immoral love? Zhi, please discuss it with me." I drank to perfunctory. "Look, aren't you keeping your mouth shut?" Yongze said as he sipped his third glass of whiskey. "Once this person decides not to speak, he will never speak." "It's a pity." Hatsumi cut the meat into small pieces and put it into her mouth with a fork. "If that girl and you develop well, we can both date." "You can exchange partners when you're drunk," Nagasawa said. "Don't talk nonsense." "No nonsense. Watanabe likes you too." "That's another matter," Hatsumi said quietly. "He's not that kind of guy. He's a guy who cherishes what's his. I know that. That's why I want to introduce girls to him." "However, Watanabe and I had the experience of exchanging female partners once before. Hey, don't you think so?" Nagasawa said, drinking the whiskey in the glass as if nothing had happened, and ordered another glass. Hatsumi put down the knife and wiped her mouth with a napkin.Then look at my face. "Watanabe. Did you really do that?" I didn't know how to answer, so I just kept silent. "To be honest, it doesn't matter." Yong Ze said.I know things are not going well.Sometimes Yongze will get "sick-hearted" after drinking alcohol.However, I know that his evil intentions tonight are not aimed at me, but at Hatsumi.So more restless. "I want to know that story. Isn't it interesting?" Hatsumi said to me. "I was drunk at the time." I said. "It's okay, I'm not blaming you. I just want to know what happened." "Mizusawa and I were drinking at a bar in Shibuya, and met two girls who came together. They seemed to be girls from a junior college. They were also quite drunk, so we went to sleep in a nearby hotel. Me and Mizusawa took two connected rooms. In the middle of the night, Nagasawa came to my door and said he wanted to exchange female partners, so I went to his room and he came to mine." "Aren't those two girls angry?" "They're all drunk and it doesn't matter to them who they sleep with." "I naturally have my reasons for doing this." Nagasawa said. "What reason?" "The appearance of the two girls is too different. One is beautiful and the other is ugly. I don't think it's fair. Because I want the beautiful one, am I sorry for Watanabe? So I exchanged with him. Is that right? Watanabe. " "Probably." I said.However, to be honest, I quite admire the girl who is not beautiful.She is funny in conversation and has a kind personality.After we were done, we chatted happily on the bed, but Nagasawa came and said he wanted to switch partners.I asked her if she was okay and she said, "Okay, if you want to do that." Presumably I wanted to sleep with that pretty one. "Are you happy?" Hatsumi asked me. "You mean the swapping thing?" "I mean the taste after the exchange." "No pleasure," I said. "Just doing that. It's not really fun to sleep with a girl that way." "Then why did you do that?" "I invited him to go." Yongze said. "I'm asking about Watanabe." Hatsumi said firmly. "Why did you do that?" "Sometimes I really want to sleep with girls." I said. "If you have someone you like, why don't you go to her and do what you want to do?" Hatsumi thought for a while before saying. "There are many complicated inside stories." Hatsumi sighed. Just then, the door opened and the food came.The roast duck was delivered to Yongze, and the donkey fish was placed in front of Hatsumi and me.Vegetables were placed on the plate and seasoned sauce was poured over." After the waiter left, there were only the three of us in the room. Nagasawa cut open the duck meat. He ate the meat with relish and drank the wine. I ate the spinach. Hatsumi didn't Touch the dish in front of you. "Watanabe, I don't know what you have inside, but I don't think that kind of thing is suitable for you, it doesn't match your personality, what do you think?" Hatsumi said.She rested her hands on the table and stared at me. "Yes." I said. "I think so sometimes too." "Then why are you still doing it?" "I need warmth sometimes." I said frankly. "Without that warm feeling on my skin, I would feel lonely and embarrassed." "In a nutshell, that's it." Nagasawa interrupted. "Although Watanabe had felt something in his heart, he couldn't have sex with her because of his difficulties. So he dealt with his sexual desire elsewhere. What's the relationship? It's normal in theory. You can't tell him to masturbate in the room all the time. " "But, if you really love her, can't you be patient, Watanabe." "Maybe," I said, putting the donkey fish with gravy sauce in my mouth. "You can't understand what a man's sexual desire is," Nagasawa said to Hatsumi. "It's like I have been dating you for three years. During this period, I have slept with countless girls, but I have no impression of them. I can't even remember their faces and names. Each of them only sleeps once. Meet, make love, break up .That's all. What's wrong with that?" "It's this kind of arrogance that I can't stand." Hatsumi said quietly. "It's not about you sleeping with other women. So far. I've never been seriously mad at you for flirting with women, have I?" "That's not called playing with women, it's just a play on the occasion. No one will be hurt." Yong Ze said. "I'm hurt," Hatsumi said. "Can't you be satisfied with just me?" Yongze looked at the whiskey glass in silence for a moment. "It's not unsatisfaction. That's a whole different level. There's something inside me that craves that. I'm sorry if it hurt you like that. But it's not because you're the only one who isn't satisfied. But I can only live with that hunger. That's me, what can I do?" Hatsumi finally picked up the knife and fork and started eating the donkey fish. "But at least you shouldn't drag Watanabe down." "I have similarities with Watanabe," Nagasawa said. "Watanabe, like me, is basically only interested in our own affairs. As for arrogance and not arrogance, that's the difference. We are only interested in what we think, feel and how we act. So we can think about ourselves separately from others Things. That’s what I admire about Watanabe. But he still doesn’t fully recognize this, so he still feels hesitant and hurt.” "Is there anyone who doesn't feel lost and hurt?" Hatsumi said. "Or do you think you're never hesitant or hurt?" "Of course I wandered and got injured. However, these can be alleviated through training. Even rats know how to choose the path with less chance of injury after receiving electric shocks." "But mice don't know how to fall in love." "Rats don't know how to fall in love." Nagasawa repeated, then looked at me. "Brilliant. Wish there was some soundtrack and two harps for the symphony orchestra" "No kidding: I mean it!" "It's time to eat," Nagasawa said. "And Watanabe is here too. If you want to talk seriously, why don't you find another opportunity to talk, which is more polite." "Do I need to back off?" I said. "Please stay here, it's better that way." Hatsumi said. "It's rare to come here, why don't we leave after eating some desserts." Yongze said. "I don't care." I said. Then we continued to eat in silence.I ate up the donkey fish and Hatsumi kept half of it.Yongze had already finished eating the roast duck, and was drinking whiskey again. "Donkey fish is pretty good," I said, and no one answered.It's like putting a small stone into a deep hole. The trays were taken away, with lemon sherbet and Italian coffee.Yongze started smoking after eating a little of everything.Hatsumi didn't touch lemon sherbet at all.I ate the sherbet and drank the coffee in a rather wistful mood.Hatsumi looked at her hands resting on the table.Those hands, like the accessories she wore, looked exquisite and noble.I thought about Naoko and Reiko.What are they doing now?Maybe Naoko is lying on the sofa reading a book, and Reiko is playing "Norwegian Wood" on the guitar.I had a strong yearning, and really wanted to go back to the small room where they were.What the hell am I doing here? "The similarity between me and Watanabe is that we never thought about wanting others to understand us." Nagasawa said.This is where we are different from others.Others are busy watching to let the people around them know themselves, but I am not such a person, and neither is Watanabe.Because I think it doesn't matter if people don't understand me.I am me, others are others. " "Is that so?" Hatsumi asked me. "How come?" I said. "I'm not such a strong person. I don't think it's okay not to be understood by anyone. I also have people who want to understand each other. I just feel that even if other people understand me to a certain extent, they can't help it." That's all. I gave up. So, I'm not like what Nagasawa said, I don't care about it without understanding." "The meaning is almost the same as what I said." Yongze said, picking up the coffee spoon. "It's really the same. Only the late breakfast is called the early lunch. The content is the same, the time of eating is the same, but the name is different." "Yongze, do you also think it's okay not to let me know?" Hatsumi asked. "It seems you don't quite understand what I mean. One does not understand another until the due time, and it is not the man who wishes the other to understand him." "So, isn't it right that I want someone to get to know me well?" Like I want you to get to know me. " "You are right." Nagasawa replied. "Serious people call this love. If you want to know me. But my system of thought is very different from other people's." "You're not in love with me, are you?" "So I said, what do you think of me" "It doesn't matter what it thinks or not," Hatsumi shouted angrily.I saw her yell.It's the one and only- Nagasawa rang the bell beside the desk.The receptionist came in with the bill, "Nagazawa handed him the credit card. "I'm sorry about today's matter, Watanabe." Nagasawa said. "I want to send Hatsumi back, you - go and have fun by yourself｜." "I'm fine. The food is good." I said.but no one answered." The receptionist came back with the credit card. After confirming the payment, Yongze signed it with a ball pen, and then we left.Out of the store, Yongze went out to the road to stop the taxi, but Hatsumi stopped him. "Thank you. However, I don't want to be with you anymore today, so I don't have to send you away. Thank you for your hospitality:" "Anything." Nagasawa said. "I want Watanabe to see me off," Hatsumi said. "Anything." Nagasawa said. "However, Watanabe is just like me. Although he is kind and gentle, he can't really love anyone. He is usually sober, just hungry. I hate to know that." I stopped a taxi, let her get on first, and told Yongze that I would take her back. "I'm sorry." He apologized to me, however looking.Another thing was already on his mind. "Where are you going? Back to Ebisu?" I asked Hatsumi.Because its apartment is in Yebisu.Hatsumi shook her head. "So, how about a drink somewhere?" "Yeah." She nodded. "To Shibuya." I said to the driver. Hatsumi crossed her arms and leaned against the corner of the seat with her eyes closed.Small gold earrings sparkle as you watch the body rock.Her midnight basket dress looked as if it had been custom-made to match the darkness of the carriage.Her lips, well-shaped and lightly lipsticked, moved from time to time as if talking to herself.When I saw her demeanor, I felt that I could understand why Yongze invited her as a special object.There are more beautiful girls than her, and for that kind of girl, Nagasawa has as many as he wants.But in a woman like Hatsumi, she had something strong and shocking about her.It wasn't that she sent out a powerful force to shake the opponent.The power she exerted is extremely small, but it can resonate with the other party's heart.I watched her until the taxi arrived in Shibuya, and couldn't stop wondering what the emotional shock she was causing me was.However, I didn't know until the end. It was twelve or three years later that I remembered what kind of feeling that was.At that time, I came to Santa Fe, New Mexico, USA to visit a certain painter. In the evening, I walked into a nearby biscuit shop, drinking beer and nibbling biscuits, while watching the miraculously beautiful sunset.The whole world is dyed red.From my hands to the dishes on the table, everything in sight was stained red.A bright red like pouring a glass of special juice over your head.In that shocking twilight, I suddenly thought of Hatsumi.Then I realized what the shock she gave me at that time was.It was an insatiable, never-satisfied arrogance of adolescence.A long time ago, I left such pure and innocent understanding somewhere, and I can't even remember that it was ever in my heart.What Hatsumi shocked me was the "part of me" that had been sleeping inside me for a long time. When I realized it, I felt a sadness that almost made me want to cry.Hatsumi is really a special woman, and someone should do everything possible to save her. However, neither Nagasawa nor I can save her.Hatsumi is like many friends I know, when she reached a certain stage in her life, she suddenly thought of ending her own life.She went to Germany two years after Nagasawa.Married another man, cut his wrists and committed suicide two years later. Of course it was Nagasawa who notified me of her death.He wrote to me from Bonn. "Hatsumi's death made me feel that something had disappeared, and even I thought it was a painful and embarrassing thing." I tore up his letter and deleted it, and never wrote to him again. We went into a small bar and had a couple of drinks each.Hatsumi and I barely spoke.She and I are like a couple entering a period of burnout, watching, drinking and eating peanuts relatively silently.Soon the store was crowded.We're about to go for a walk.Hatsumi said she would pay the bill, but I said I had invited her and paid for it. When outside, the night air gets chilly.Hatsumi put on a light gray cardigan and continued walking beside me without a word.I put my hands in my trouser pockets and walked slowly with her aimlessly on the street at night.I couldn't help thinking: This is exactly the same as when Naoko was together. "Watanabe-kun, do you know if there is a place to play billiards in this area?" Hatsumi said suddenly. "Billiards?" I was taken aback. "You know how to play billiards?" "Well, it's pretty good. How are you?" "With four balls, you can hit it, but you can't hit it very well." "Let's go then." We found a pool room nearby and went in.This is a small shop at the end of an alley.Hatsumi was in a nice dress, I was in a navy blue sweatshirt and slip-on tie—our outfits stood out in the billiard room, but Hatsumi didn't pay much attention, picked out a cue, and held it in the middle "Chuck" After touching the club head a few times, I immediately took out the hairpin from my satchel and pinned it next to my forehead so that the hair would not affect the shot. We played four balls twice.As expected, Hatsumi was quite skilled at the game as she said.Because I was wrapped in a thick bandage, I was always a little bit clumsy when hitting the ball, but she won both times. "It's a good fight!" I was willing to bow down. "You can't be judged by your appearance, right?" Hatsumi smiled while carefully measuring the position of the ball. "Where did it come from?" "My grandfather used to like to play this game very much, and he had a table at home. Every time I went there when I was a child, I would poke it with my brother. When I was a little older, my father taught me the proper way to hit the ball. He is a good man, fashionable and stylish. Chic, dead. He's proudest of all that he used to see Diana Dabin in New York." She won three times in a row and lost the fourth time.I managed to get it back once, and then I hit a few good shots. "It's all the bandages," Hatsumi comforted. "It's been a long time since I've had a relationship. I haven't had a fight for two years and five months." "How do you remember it so clearly?" "A friend died the night I played pool with me, so I remember it exactly." "Then you won't fight anymore?" "No, it's not all about that," I replied after a moment of thought. "It's just that, for some reason, I've lost the chance to play billiards since then—that's all." "How did your friend die?" "Traffic accident." "She hits a few more balls. Her eyes are focused on the path of the ball, and the force of the ball is even when she hits the ball. She pulls back her perfectly combed hair, and her gold earrings shine brightly. , a pair of boat-shaped shoes stood accurately, her slender fingers pressed the felt pad of the table, and then hit the ball out--seeing her expression and behavior, one felt that there was a sense of dirt in this place In the billiards room, only her position seems to be a corner of a luxurious social place. It is the first time to be alone with her, but it is really a rare and precious enjoyment for me. As long as I am with her, I feel in a trance My own life was dragged to a higher level. At the end of the three rounds - of course she was a three-in-a-row - the wound on my hand started to hurt, and we fell here. "Forgive me, I shouldn't have played billiards with you." Hatsumi apologized. "It's okay, it's not a serious injury, and besides, I'm happy." Before leaving, a thin middle-aged woman who looked like the owner of the billiard room said to Hatsumi, "Miss, you are well-trained!" Hatsumi smiled charmingly, said "thank you", and then paid the bill. "Pain?" Hatsumi asked after going out. "It doesn't hurt very much," I said. "Is the wound open?" "Never mind. Maybe." "Sure. Go to my place, look at the wound, and change your bandage," Hatsumi said. "I have bandages and antiseptics ready-made. It's not far away." I said not afraid, there is no need to worry so much.But she insisted that she must see if the wound was open. "Or do you hate being with me? Can't wait to go back to your dormitory right away?" Hatsumi said jokingly. "where." "Then you are welcome, just go there. It will be a short walk." It took 15 minutes to walk from Shibuya to Ebiji Hatsumi's apartment.The apartment was not flashy, but it was quite grand, with a small balcony and an elevator.There was a dining table in the room as soon as I entered the door. Hatsumi told me to sit down at the table and go next door to change clothes.When he came out, he was wearing a hooded jacket with the words "Princeton University City" and a pair of cotton pants. The gold earrings were also missing.She took out a first-aid kit from somewhere, put it on the table, unwrapped the bandage, and after confirming that the wound was not open, roughly sterilized it and rewrapped it with a new bandage.All this was done very neatly. "How do you do everything so beautifully?" I asked. "I used to do it in the volunteer service team and learned to work as a nurse, so I remember it." Hatsumi said. After wrapping up the bandages, she took out two cans of beer from the refrigerator, she drank half a can, I drank a can and a half.Then, Hatsumi showed me photos of the girls in the lower grades in the club. Sure enough, there were quite a few cute ones. "If you want a girlfriend, come to me anytime, and I'll introduce you right away." "As ordered." "If you don't turn over to Mr. Bian, I'm afraid I'll look like an old matchmaker in your eyes? Tell me obediently." "A little bit." I answered honestly with a smile.Hatsumi also smiled, she is a person who is very suitable for wearing a smile on her face. "Watanabe-kun, what do you think about my relationship with Nagasawa?" "What do you think? What do you mean?" "What should I do, from now on?" "It's too late for me to say anything," I said over my icy cold beer. "Okay, just say it, say what you want." "If I were you, I would go my separate ways with him and find someone with a little sense of reason to live happily. No matter how well-meaning you look at it, you can't be happy with that person. It doesn't matter whether you are happy or make others happy. , he doesn't take this to heart. With him, there must be something wrong with his nerves. In my opinion, it's a miracle that you've been dating him for three years. Of course, I don't dislike him. He is funny, has a lot of strengths, great abilities, and is strong. A character like me can’t match it. The problem is that his way of thinking about things and his attitude towards life are not authentic enough. When talking to him, I often feel that I am always going back and forth in the same place. He uses The same program keeps moving forward, but I always linger in the same place and feel very empty. In a word, the outlook on life itself is different. Do you understand what I mean?" "It's clear." After saying that, Hatsumi took out another can of beer from the refrigerator. "Besides, he entered the Ministry of Foreign Affairs and studied in the country for a year, and then he will go abroad, right? What should you do? Keep waiting? That person has no intention of marrying anyone at all." "I know that too." "Well, I have nothing more to say." "Well." I poured beer into the glass and drank it slowly. "When I was playing billiards with you just now, a thought came to me," I said, "that is, I have no siblings, and I have been alone since I was a child. Therefore, I have never felt lonely or wished to have brothers and sisters. I am satisfied by myself. But When I was playing billiards with you just now, it occurred to me how wonderful it would be to have a sister like you--a chic and elegant sister who would wear a dark blue dress and gold earrings, and who could play billiards." With a happy smile on her face, Hatsumi looked at me and said, "At least among all the songs I've heard this year, your line just now makes me the happiest, really." "So, as me, I also wish you happiness." I said with a little heat on my face, "But it's incredible, you seem to be able to get along with anyone happily, why did you just look at someone like Nagasawa? ?" "It's probably fate, and I don't know why. If Yongze said it, it would probably be my responsibility, and it has nothing to do with him." "Probably." I agreed. "But Mr. Watanabe, I'm not a woman with a good head. Generally speaking, I'm a bit pedantic and old-fashioned. It doesn't matter what my outlook on life, responsibility, etc. I'm married, and I hold my sweetheart in my arms every night. Children, that's enough, nothing more. That's all I'm after." "He was after something very different." "But people change, don't they?" "You mean, after going through ups and downs and setbacks in society, you mature?..." "Hmm. And with the fact that you've been with me for a long time, maybe your feelings for me will also change, right?" "That's for ordinary people," I said, "for ordinary people, maybe. But that man is another matter. The man's will is stronger than we think, and it is getting stronger every day. The more he suffers, the more self-reliant he is. He would rather eat a clam than admit defeat in front of others. What else can you expect from such a person?" "I don't want to cross over to Mr. Bian, now I can only wait." Hatsumi said on the table Zhi Yi. "How much do you like Nagasawa?" "I like it." She replied immediately. "Never mind." I sighed and drank the beer at the bottom of the glass. "To be able to fall in love with someone so persistently is probably a remarkable thing in itself." "I'm just pedantic and old-fashioned."Hatsumi said, "Have some more beer?" "No, it's ok, it's time to go back. Bandaging and entertaining, thank you!" I stood up and went out to put on my shoes.Just then the phone rang, and Hatsumi looked at me, at the phone, and then at me.I said "good night", opened the door and walked out.As the door quietly closed, I caught a glimpse of Hatsumi picking up the receiver—that was the last time I saw her. Back to the dormitory, it was already 11:30.I went straight to Nagasawa's room and knocked on the door.It took more than a dozen knocks before I remembered that today is Saturday.星期六晚间永泽以去亲戚家为由，每周都被允许在外面过夜。 我折回自己房间，解下领带，把上衣裤子挂在衣架，换上睡衣，刷牙漱口。随即想起：得得，明天又是星期天。我觉得简直就像每隔四天就来一个星期天。再过两个星期天，我将满20岁。我歪倒在床上，望着墙上的挂历，不觉黯然神伤。 星期天上午，我仍像以往那样俯在桌前给直子写信。我写了封长信，边写边用大杯子喝咖啡，边听迈尔斯·戴维斯的唱片。窗外细雨霏霏，室内如同水旅馆似的凉意浸人。刚从衣箱里掏出的厚毛衣上还残留着樟脑气味。窗玻璃上方，一只圆鼓鼓的苍蝇附在那里纹丝不动。由于无风，日丸旗俨然元老院议员长袍的下摆，垂头丧气地裹在旗杆上一动不动。一匹有气无力的褐毛瘦狗不知从哪里跑进院子，团团围着花坛粗声大气逐个唤着花瓣。狗为什么在雨天里非要来回唤着花瓣气味呢？我全然捉摸不透。 我伏案疾书。每当握笔的右手开始作痛，便茫然地打量着院子里这番光景。 我首先写了在唱片店打工时把手割了一道深口，写了我同永泽。初美三人祝贺永泽通过外交官考试的情形，告诉直子那是怎样一家饭店，点的什么样的菜，还告诉她尽管菜肴非比一般，但席间气氛却有些尴尬等等。 写到同初美去桌球室时，我想起了本月，一时有些踌躇，但终归还是写了，我觉得是应该写的。我清楚地记得那天--木月死的那天他击最后一个球的情景。那其实是个需要相当冲击力的难球，我以为他不至于一举成功。然而大概是一种巧合吧，那一击居然百分之百地准确无误，白球与红球在绿色的毡垫上悄无声息地轻轻撞合，结果成了他得的最后一分。那动人的一击给我留下了很深的印象，至今仍历历在目。那以后的近两年半时间里，我未曾打过桌球。 但是，在同初美打桌球的那个晚间，直到第一局打完也一点没有想起本月。对我来说，这是个不小的打击。因为，自从木月死后，我一直以为每逢打桌球必然想起他。不料直到打完第一局而在店内自动售货机买百事可乐时，都全然未能想起。至于为什么在那里才想起本月，是由于我和他常去的那家桌球室也同样有一台百事可乐自动售货机，我们常常用买可乐的钱来打赌玩。 打桌球时居然未想起木月，这使我感到似乎做了一件对不起他的事。当时我觉得自己已将他彻底忘在脑后。然而夜里返回宿舍，我开始这样想道：那以后已经过去了两年半，而他依然17岁。但这并不意味他在我的记忆中已渐趋淡薄，他的死带来的东西依然鲜明地留在我的脑海里，有的反而比当时还要鲜明。我即将满20岁，我同木月在16岁和17岁那两年里所共有的东西的某部分早已消失得无影无踪，无论怎样长吁短叹，都已无法挽回--我无法表达得更为确切，但我觉得对于我的感觉、我想要表达的，你是会充分理解的。而且能理解此事的恐怕也只有你一个人。 我比以前任何时候都更仔细地思考你的问题。今天在下雨，下雨的周日多少使我有些惶惶然。因为下雨不能洗衣服，自然也不能熨衣服。既不能散步，又不能在天台上翻来滚去。只好坐在桌前，一边用自动反复唱机周面复始地听《温柔的蓝》，一边百无聊赖地观望院子的雨中景致。以前我已写过，星期天我是不拧螺丝的，因此信也就写得很长很长。不再写了，这就去食堂吃午饭。goodbye.