Chapter 9 Chapter 6: Greenery and Hidden Beauty (2)

"My parents are also cautious about me, as if they are afraid of touching an abscess. In fact, I also understand that they must be very disappointed. Until not long ago, they were proud of their daughter, but now they are a returnee from a mental hospital, and their marriage is difficult. It's hard to talk about it. When I live together, I feel their feelings so real, I don't know what to do. But when I go out, it seems that people nearby are talking about me, and I'm so scared that I dare not go out. Then there was another bang, the screw flew, the chain was messed up, and it was dark for a while. This was when I was 24 years old. I was in a nursing home for seven months. Not here, but around the high courtyard wall , a place with a closed door. It was dirty and there was no piano... At that time I didn’t know what to do. But I still wanted to get out of there, and worked hard to cooperate with the treatment. Seven months - what a long time! Wrinkles crawled like this come up."

Reiko grinned and smiled: "Shortly after he was discharged from the hospital, he met and married my husband. He was younger than me. He worked as an engineer in an aircraft manufacturing company and was a piano student with me. He is a good man! Although he doesn't talk much, he is kind and kind-hearted. Almost practice After learning the piano for half a year, I suddenly asked if I could marry him. It was out of the blue one day when I was drinking tea after practicing the piano. Well, can you believe it? We had neither dated nor even held hands before. I Taken aback, I said I couldn't marry him. I said I thought he was a good man and I liked him, but I couldn't marry him for a variety of reasons. He said he wanted to hear the reason, and I told him all of it openly. I told him. He said that he had been hospitalized twice because of his abnormal brain, and he even told the details. I told him what caused the situation, and it might happen again in the future. He said let him think again For a moment, I said that you can think about it slowly and never rush it. But when he came the next week, he still said he wanted to get married. So I said: "Wait for me for three months.Let's hang out during this time.If you still have the mood to get married later, the two of you will discuss it again at that time. "

"For three months, we met once a week, went to many places, and talked a lot. This way, I fell in love with him outright. With him, I feel that my life seems to be renewed Come back. As long as the two of us are together, my heart suddenly clears up, and all kinds of annoying things are gone. Although I can't be a pianist and have been in a mental hospital, my life is not over. There are still many, many things in my life. Wonderful thing I didn't know - he made me feel this way and for that alone I thank him from the bottom of my heart. After three months he said he still wanted to marry me. If he wanted to sleep with me he could. I said to him, I haven't slept with anyone. But because I like you so much, if you want to hug me, that's all right. But marrying me is another thing entirely. You Marrying me means taking my troubles with you, and it's a lot more serious than you think. Doesn't that matter?

"He said it didn't matter. Said that he didn't just want to sleep with me, but wanted to marry me and share everything in me with me. And he really thought so, and he wouldn't say it if he didn't really think so, And once he said it, he kept his promise. So I said ok, let's get married. In fact, that's all I can say. Marriage is probably after those four months. He quarreled with his parents because of this I cut off the relationship. His family is a family with some background in the countryside of Shikoku. My parents conducted a thorough investigation on me and knew that I had lived in the hospital twice, so they objected to this marriage and quarreled. Objection is also justifiable. Like this. We didn’t even hold a wedding. We only went to the district office to register our marriage and stayed in Hakone for two nights. But it’s really happiness, everything! So, I was a virgin until I got married, and I was 25 years old. Like Are you lying?"

Reiko sighed and picked up the basketball again. "As long as I'm with this person, it's not a big problem. I thought," Reiko said, "as long as I'm with this person, the old disease won't relapse. You know, for our disease, the most important thing is trust. Feeling. Leave it to me personally! Whenever my situation is slightly wrong, that is, the screw has just started to loosen, he will immediately notice it and take the trouble to correct it meticulously-tighten the screw, straighten the chain one by one As long as I have this sense of trust, my illness will not come back. As long as there is this sense of trust, the bang will not happen. I am so happy, thinking how beautiful life is! That feeling, just It's like being fished out of the violent and icy sea, wrapped in a towel and put on a warm bed. After two years of marriage, I had a child. Since then, I have devoted myself to taking care of the child. My own illness and so on, also because of this Almost forgot all about it. Wake up in the morning, do the housework, take care of the kids, make him eat when he comes back...every day. But I feel happy. The happiest time of my life. How many years? Ongoing to 31. And then there was another bang, bursting the wide

Reiko lit the cigarette.The wind had died down, and the smoke was rising straight up, disappearing into the night.Before he knew it, countless silver stars had flashed in the sky. "What happened?" I asked. "Uh--" Reiko said, "a very wonderful thing. It was like a trap or a trap waiting for me. It makes me shudder to think about it now." She held up her free hand , rubbing his temples. "Sorry, just listen to me. You came to see Naoko." "I really want to hear it," I said, "tell me if you can?" "After the child went to kindergarten, I started playing the piano a few more times." Reiko continued. "Not for others, but for myself. Playing Bach. Mozart, Scarlatti. Of course, due to the long blank, it is difficult to recover the sense of music. Compared with before, the fingers are not obediently obeying. But I'm still very happy that I can play the piano again after all. Every time I play it, I feel deeply and sincerely that I love music, how much I want music. It's so beautiful, to be able to play for myself.

"As I said before, I have been playing the piano since I was 4 years old, but when I think about it, I have never played it for myself. Either to pass the exam, or because it is a research piece, or to impress others, I play it over and over again." That’s all for this. Of course, this is also very important. It can enable people to master a musical instrument. But after a certain age, people have to play for themselves. The so-called music is such a thing. In my From a top musician to a laggard, I finally realized this truth after I was 31 or 2. I sent my child to kindergarten, hurriedly finished the housework, and played my favorite tunes for an hour or two. There were no problems during this time, no?"

I nod. "Unexpectedly, one day, a wife, a wife who just said hello when we met on the road, came to my door and said that she had a daughter who wanted to learn piano from me, and asked if I could teach her. According to the wife It is said that when the child passed by my house, he often heard me play the piano, and he was very moved. He also recognized me and admired me very much. The child is in the second grade of junior high school, and he has learned from a teacher several times before, because of more than one reason It's always going badly, and I'm not learning from anyone right now.

"I declined. I said that firstly, I have many years of gaps, secondly, it is another matter if I am a complete beginner, and it is very difficult to teach someone who has practiced for several years in the middle. Besides, I have to take care of children, I was so busy that I couldn't spare time. Besides—of course I didn't tell the other party—it would be a headache to change the teacher's child every now and then. But the wife insisted on letting me see her daughter, even if it was only once. That's okay. I saw that this person was a bit desperate, and I thought it would be difficult to refuse him immediately, and it was not good to refuse him if he only wanted to meet, so he said that it would be okay if he only met once. After three days God, that child came alone. She was as beautiful as a little angel, and she was almost transparent. I had never seen such a beautiful child before or since. Her hair was as black as ink that had just been grinded , looking for it to fall down. The fingers are slender, the eyes are flickering, and the small lips look so soft, as if they were just made. When I first saw her, I forgot to speak for a long time-- she is so beautiful When I sat on the sofa in my living room, the room was filled with brilliance, and it seemed like a different world. When I looked closely, I felt dazzling, and I even had to squint my eyes. This is such a girl, who still vividly remembers it to this day. eye."

Reiko squinted her eyes for a long time, as if the girl's face really appeared in front of her eyes: "We talked over coffee, this and that, for over an hour, about music, about school. It was immediately clear that she was a smart kid, well-organized, to the point, with a talent for attracting people. Ability. Even a little. Afraid of people. As for what it is that is afraid of people, I couldn't figure it out at the time, but I suddenly felt that she was so clever and intimidating. However, when I talked to that child face to face, I would unconsciously lose my normalcy That is to say, the other party is too young and too charming, so that he is overwhelmed by his aura, and feels that he is greatly dwarfed by it. Therefore, even if the thought of negation flashes in a flash, he will turn to suspect that it must come from an ulterior motive. Dark mind."

She shook her head a few times: "If I were as smart and beautiful as that child, I would become a more authentic and accomplished person. Since I am so smart and beautiful, what more can I ask for? Since I am so loved by everyone, why bother to bully and irritate me?" How about ravaging the weaker than yourself? Isn't there simply no objective reason why you must do this!" "What did she do to embarrass you?" "Ah, let me put it in order. That child is a pathological liar, a complete disease. Whatever he speaks, he makes up lies. During the time of making up, he even believes himself to be true. And in order to make a lie made up Not revealing the flaws, even changing all the related things around. If it is a normal situation, it will definitely make people suspicious. But because the child's mind is turning so fast, he has made a seamless connection before others get suspicious, so the other party can't detect it at all. This is what is called lying. And generally speaking, no one would think that such a beautiful child would lie about trivial matters, including me. I have heard countless lies told by that child in half a year. But never doubted once, though it was a lie from root to tip. Fool, pure fool "What lies are you talking about?" "Everything." Reiko said with a mocking smile, "I just said that if a person wants to lie about a certain matter, he will inevitably invent a lot of related lies about it. This is lying syndrome The problem is that the lies of liars are generally innocent, because most of the people around them know what they are doing. But that child is different: in order to protect herself, she can spread rumors and slander at will, using everything available Things. In front of her mother or relatives and friends who can easily identify her lies, she doesn't lie much, and when she has to lie, she will think carefully and carefully, and she will never let the other party find out. And if she is found out, she will start from the beautiful She squeezed tears out of her eyes drop by drop, or explained or apologized, with a voice like that of a little Wuyi. This way, no one can get angry anymore. "As for why the child chose me, I still don't quite understand. Whether she chose me as her victim or to seek some kind of relief, today I don't know, I don't know at all. Of course, It doesn't matter if I know it or not. Because everything has gone to waste, and I'm here again." There was a brief silence. "She repeated her mother's words again. She said that she was very moved when she heard my piano when she passed by my house. She met me a few times outside and admired me very much. It was worship. As a result, I My face turned red. How can I be admired by a girl who is as beautiful as a rag doll! However, I think she is not completely lying. Of course, I am over 30 years old, and I am not as beautiful or smart as her. Special talent. But there must be something about me that appeals to the kid—perhaps something she lacks. That's why she's interested in me. Well, it's not bragging!" "Understood, I can understand." I said. "She brought the sheet music and asked if I could play it. I said yes, please. And she played Bach's Invention, that, how should I put it, very interesting, or incredible, In short, it is not ordinary. Of course, the technique is not very good. After all, she did not go to a specialized school, and she practiced as a teacher, fishing for three days and drying the net for two days. If she played like this in her practice test, she would be eliminated immediately after just one note. But her playing is still worth listening to. That is to say, even though 91% of it is a mess, the remaining 10% is still quite good. This is Bach's Invention. So I became very interested in that child, thinking what is going on with this child? "Speaking of which, there are many children in the world who can play Bach better, and there are probably children who can play Bach twenty times better than that child. But that kind of performance is almost meaningless, dry and empty Nothing. But the child, although not very good at playing, has something that at least impresses me. So I thought: this child may have teaching value. Of course, now retraining her into a professional It's too late, but it is still possible to cultivate a happy pianist who plays and entertains himself like I was then-and I am now. In the end, my hopes were completely dashed. This girl is not silent. He is not the type of person who does things loudly for himself, but a scheming child who does not hesitate to use any means in order to make others fall in love with him. How to make people feel good, how to get others' praise - this set She knows it all by heart. Including what kind of playing style can impress me, she has also carefully calculated. And how many times she has practiced hard for the part worth listening to, this is completely imaginable. "But then again, even now that everything is out, I still think that performance is quite good. Let me listen to it again now, and I must still think that way-except for her shortcomings such as cunning and lying. Know Well, there is such a thing in the world." Reiko cleared her throat dryly, stopped talking, and remained silent for a long time. "So you took her in as a student?" I asked. "Yes. Once a week, on Saturday morning, the child's school is closed on Saturday. She has never missed a class, never late, a perfect student! Practice is also very attentive. After practice, we will Eat cake and chat." Having said this, Reiko looked at her watch as if suddenly conscious. "Hey, it's almost time for us to go back to the room. I'm a little worried about Naoko. Are you forgetting Naoko?" "I won't forget it," I laughed, "I'm just attracted by your words." "If you want to continue listening, do it tomorrow. It's too long to finish in one sitting." "Exactly." "Uh, then you can't go back to Tokyo!" Reiko also laughed. We went back to the room through the weed forest path we came here.The candles were extinguished, and the living room lights were not turned on.The door of the bedroom was open, and the bedside lamp was on inside, and the dim light spilled into the living room.In this dim light, Naoko was sitting alone on the sofa.She had changed into a pajama-like dress with the neckline wrapped around her neck, and she was sitting on her knees on the sofa.Reiko walked up to Naoko and put her hand on top of her head: "All right?" "Well, well, I'm sorry." Naoko whispered.Then he turned to me and said sorry shyly. "You startled?" "A little bit." I said with a smile. "Come here," Naoko said.I sat down beside her.Naoko was still on the sofa with her knees arched, and she brought her face closer to my ear as if she was going to whisper something.Kissed gently on the earlobe, whispered "I'm sorry" to my ear again, and then moved away. "Sometimes I don't know what's wrong with me," Naoko said. "I do that sometimes too." Naoko smiled slightly and looked at my face. "Well, if possible, I would like to hear about you," I said, "life here, what you do every day, and what kind of people you have." Naoko then slowly but clearly talked about her day in the life.Get up at 6 am, eat breakfast here, clean the birdhouse, and then mostly work on the farm, tending vegetables.One hour before or after lunch to meet individually with the attending physician, or to have a group discussion.The afternoon is free for activities, you can choose your favorite lectures, fieldwork or sports.She chose to listen to several lectures, including French, weaving, piano, and ancient history. "Piano is taught by Reiko," Naoko said, "and she also teaches guitar. We are each other's students and teachers. Those who are good at French teach French, those who have been social studies teachers teach history, and those who are good at knitting teach weaving. It's pretty much a school in that sense. It's a pity I don't have anything to teach people." "I do not have either." "Anyway, I work harder here than I did in college. It's a lot of work, and it's fun to do it, which is great!" "What do you usually do after dinner?" Chat with sister Reiko, read books, listen to records, or play in other people's rooms.that's it. " said Naoko. "I practice guitar and write my autobiography." Reiko said. "autobiography?" "Just kidding." Reiko laughed, "We went to bed around 10 o'clock. How is it? This life is good for health, right? Sleep soundly." I looked at my watch, it was almost 9 o'clock. "Then, I'm afraid you're going to be sleepy?" "No, it's okay today, even if it's later." Naoko said, "I haven't seen you in a long time, and I want to talk for a while. Would you like to say something?" "When I was alone just now, I suddenly remembered a lot of things from the past." I said, "Do you remember the time when Ben Yuejun and I went to visit you? Go to the seaside hospital. It was probably the second year of high school." The summer of my grade." "It happened during the thoracic surgery." Naoko smiled faintly, "I remember it very clearly. You and Kizuki-kun rode a motorcycle, carrying melted chocolate, and I ate it very hard. But it seems like a long, long time." Like the old story." "Yeah. Back then, it was like you wrote a long poem." "Every girl at that age would write it." Naoko chuckled, "Why did you suddenly think of this?" "I don't know, I just thought of it for a while. The smell of the sea breeze, oleander, this and that, suddenly came to my mind." I said, "Okay, Mr. Ben Yue will visit you often at that time?" "Where can we talk about visits, we almost didn't go, because of that, we had a quarrel afterwards. At the beginning, I went once, and then I went with you two, and then it disappeared. Did you say it was too much? At the beginning At that time, he was absent-minded and left in less than 10 minutes as if there was something urgent. The one who brought the oranges mumbled a few words, then peeled the oranges for me to eat, and then mumbled a few more times. He said something nonsensical, and disappeared in a flash. He also said that he had a headache when he entered the hospital." Having said this, Naoko smiled. "In this regard, that person has always remained in the child class. No, there is no one who likes hospitals! It is also because of this that people go to visit and cheer up the patients. But these, he can't understand." "But it's not like that when I went with the two of us, it's no different from what ordinary people do." "That's in front of you." Naoko said, "He's always like that in front of you, trying his best to hide his vulnerable side. Kizuki must like you. That's why I try to let you only see his good side That aspect. But it’s different when I’m alone with you. I don’t have the energy to be brave. I’m really a person who can change his mood. For example, a person who was eloquent and eloquent at first, suddenly suddenly He didn't say a word. It happened a lot, and he's been like that since he was a kid. Even though he wanted to correct himself and improve himself." Naoko swapped the legs of the stack on the sofa: "He always wants to correct and improve himself, but he always fails to achieve what he wants. He is anxious and sad. Originally, he has very outstanding and perfect talents, but he has no confidence in himself until the end. That has to be done, and here too. Kai--that's all the stuff that's running around in your head. Poor Kizuki!" "However, if he really intends to let me only see the good side of him, then his effort seems to be successful. I really only see the good side of him." Naoko smiled slightly and said, "He must be happy if he can hear it. You are his only friend, Hiro." "And for me, Kizuki is also my only friend." I said, "Besides him, I have no one in the past or present that can be called a friend." "So I am very happy to stay with you and Muyue, so that I can only see Muyue's good side? Then, I am very happy and relaxed. So I like San Alone together. I don't know what you think." "I'm worried about what you'll think." As I spoke, I shook my head slightly. "But the problem is that this kind of state can't last indefinitely, and things like that small circle can't last forever. This month understands this, I understand it, and you understand it too, right?" I nod. "But, to tell the truth, I even liked that man's weak side as much as he liked his good side. Didn't I? He didn't mean anything bad or malicious, just weak. But when I say that He didn't believe it, and said this: Naoko, it's because you and I have been inseparable since we were three years old. You know me so much that you can't tell what is bad from what is good. Many things have been mixed together. He says that a lot. But no matter what he says, I like him, and I'm hardly interested in anybody else." Naoko turned her face to me, with a sad smile on her face: "We are very different from the ordinary relationship between men and women. The relationship is like a certain part of the body is closely connected. Even if we are far away sometimes, it seems to be pulled back to the original position by a special gravitational force. So I am with Mu It is very natural for Yue Jun to develop into a lover, there is no room for consideration and choice. We kissed when we were 12 years old, and we have already caressed each other when we were 13 years old. Either I go to his room, or he comes to my room to play, I handled it with my hands... But I didn't realize that we were precocious at all, and I took it for granted. If he wants to touch me, I don't care if he touches me. If he wants to vent, I don't care. I would have helped him without caring. So I would have been surprised, or offended, if anyone had blamed us for this: we had done nothing wrong, we had done what was right. Both of us, It was such a feeling to look at each other's body carefully, as if we shared it with each other. But for a long time, we controlled ourselves and didn't take a step forward. Firstly, we were afraid of getting pregnant, and secondly, we didn't know what to do at the time Contraception... In short, this is how we grew up hand in hand. We have almost never experienced the sexual repression and uncontrollable depression experienced by ordinary developing children. As I said just now, we have always It's open. As for the ego, because it can absorb and share with each other, it's not particularly strongly aware. Do you understand what I mean?" "I think so." I said. "The two of us are inseparable. If Kizuki was still alive, I think we would still be together, loving each other, and falling into misfortune step by step." "How did you see it?" Naoko ran her fingers through her hair a few times.The hairpin has been removed, and every time she lowers her head, her hair falls to cover her face. "Perhaps, we have to pay back the debt we owe to the world." Naoko raised his face and said, "Pay back the hardships of growing up. We didn't pay the price when we should have paid the price, and that debt has been transferred to today. Because of this, Wood That’s why Yue ended up like that, and I’m locked up here. We are like bare-bottomed children who grew up on an uninhabited island. We eat bananas when we’re hungry, and sleep in each other’s arms when we’re lonely. But we can’t go on like this forever, We grow up day by day, and we have to meet the world in society. So for us, you are an indispensable existence, and your meaning is like a chain, a chain that connects us with the outside world. We try to use you to try to assimilate themselves into the outside world, but in vain." I nod. "But we didn't intend to use you at all. I really like you this month. For us, the chance encounter with you is our first contact with outsiders. And it is still going on. Although Muyue is dead and gone, But you are still my only link to the outside world, even now. I like you just as Kizuki likes you. Even though we didn't mean it at all, we probably broke your heart in the end. I really didn’t expect this to happen.” Naoko lowered her head and was silent for a while. "How about some cocoa?" Reiko asked. "Yes, I want to drink, very much," Naoko said. "I'd like to drink the brandy I brought, may I?" I asked. "Please," Reiko said, "maybe give me a bite?" "That's needless to say, I laughed. Reiko brought two cups, she and I had a drink, then Reiko went to the kitchen to make cocoa. "Tell me something cheerful?" Naoko said. But I had no ready-made topic of delight.I thought regretfully, if only the death squads were still there.As long as that guy is around, there will be a steady stream of jokes, and as long as the joke is mentioned, people's hearts will immediately burst into flames.What a pity!Helpless, I had to take the trouble to talk about the unhygienic life everyone lived in the dormitory.I was annoyed when I said it because it was so unhygienic, but both of them seemed to find it very funny, and they laughed hard.Then, Reiko imitated the expressions and behaviors of various mentally ill patients, which was also very funny. At 11 o'clock, Naoko's eyes looked drowsy, and Reiko turned the back of the sofa to make a bed, and brought sheets, blankets, and pillows. "It's okay to come and play in the middle of the night, just don't get it wrong!" Reiko said, "The body on the left bed without wrinkles is Naoko's." "Nonsense, I'm on the right," Naoko said. "Hey, there are a few activities planned for tomorrow afternoon, let's go on a field trip. There is a very nice place nearby." Reiko said. "Okay." I said. After they took turns going to the bathroom to brush their teeth and walked into the bedroom, I drank a little brandy and lay down on the sofa bed to think about what happened from early this morning to now.It feels like a very long day.The moonlight still flooded the room silvery.The bedroom where Naoko and Reiko slept was silent, and there was hardly any sound in the surroundings, except for the slight creaking of the bed occasionally.Close your eyes, there seems to be small figures flying back and forth in the darkness, and the lingering sound of Ling playing the guitar is still in my ears.But it didn't last long, and after a while sleep came and dragged me into the warm swamp.I dreamed of willow trees.There are green willows lined up on both sides of the mountain road, and the number is unbelievable.The wind was not blowing weakly, but the willow branches remained motionless.What's going on?It turned out that there was a little bird squatting on each branch, which was so heavy that the branches could not shake.I took a stick and knocked on the branch in front of me, trying to drive the horse away and make the willow branch shake again.However, the bird couldn't fly, not only couldn't fly, but turned into bird-shaped iron lumps, and landed one after another with "crack, clack, clack". When I opened my eyes and woke up, I still felt in a trance that I was still in the dream.Under the moonlight, the room was faintly glowing with white light.Reflexively, I searched for bird-shaped iron bumps on the floor, but of course I couldn't find them.Naoko was sitting alone at the foot of the bed, staring quietly out of the window.She embraced her two knees, resting her chin on them like a hungry orphan.I wanted to check the time, and reached for the watch on the pillow, where it should have been, but wasn't.Judging from the appearance of the moonlight, it was estimated to be two or three o'clock.I felt my throat dry with thirst, but I didn't move, just staring at Naoko.Naoko was still wearing the same blue pajamas she had just had on, and one side of her hair was held back with a butterfly hairpin as usual.Therefore, the delicate forehead is vividly illuminated by the moonlight.I was suspicious: she took off the hairpin before going to bed. She remained in the same position, motionless, looking like a small nocturnal creature caught in the moonlight.The shadow of her lips is exaggerated due to the angle of the moonlight.The shadow looked extremely fragile, rising and falling slightly with the beating of her heart or the throbbing of her heart—as if she was speaking a silent language in the face of the night. To quench the thirst in my throat, I swallowed a mouthful of saliva.In the stillness of the night, the sound unexpectedly echoed loudly.Naoko stood up abruptly as if responding to the echo, came rustling with the rustling of her clothes and knelt on the floor next to my pillow, staring intently at my eyes, and I also looked at her eyes. head.The eyes didn't say anything, and the pupils were so clear that one could almost see the opposite world through them.However, no matter how hard you look, you can't find anything out of it.Although the distance between my face and hers was only 30 centimeters, it felt like she was light-years away from me. I reached out, wanting to touch her.But Naoko shrank back quickly, her lips trembling slightly.Then, he raised his hands and began to slowly unbutton the pajamas.There are seven buttons in total. As if continuing to dream, I watched her undo them one by one with her delicate and slender fingers.When all seven small white buttons were undone, Naoko slid the pajamas off her waist like an insect shedding its skin.The only thing she has is the butterfly hairpin.After taking off her pajamas, Naoko was still on her knees, looking at me.Naoko's body, bathed in the soft moonlight, is like a brand-new body that has just been born, with soft light shining, making people extremely lovable.Every time she moved her body a little bit—quickly, really—the parts cast by the moonlight would slide away subtly, and the shadows all over her body would also change accordingly, just like the ripples of water rippling on the surface of a quiet lake. shape. What a perfect body—I thought.When did Naoko have such a perfect body?Where did that body of hers that I embraced that spring night go? As I gently undressed Naoko that night, I got the impression that her body was not perfect.The breasts are hard, the nipples look like misplaced protrusions, and the waist is always a little round.Naoko was, of course, a beautiful girl with an attractive body.This made me have an explosive impulse, and a huge force rushed towards me.Even so, while I was holding her, caressing and kissing her, I couldn't help feeling a strange feeling about the unevenness and ingenuity of the flesh.I want to explain to her: I'm having sex with you, getting inside you.But in fact there is nothing, it is indifferent, it is nothing more than a contact between the bodies, we are just telling each other the emotions that can only be expressed through the contact of two imperfect bodies, and sharing our respective differences perfection.Of course this explanation cannot be well dictated.So I could only hug Naoko tightly in silence.As soon as I hugged her body, I felt a rough and blunt feeling like a foreign body that had not been thoroughly tamed and remained on the surface of her body.And this feeling aroused my love and made me impulsive. However, the body of Naoko in front of me now is completely different from then.I think that the body has changed, how it has become incomparably perfect and was born in the moonlight.First of all, the lightness and softness of a girl disappeared suddenly around this month's death, and was replaced by a mature plumpness.Because Naoko's body is too perfect, I don't even feel any excitement, I just stare blankly at the smooth curve of her waist, plump and clean breasts, and smooth belly that rises and falls quietly with breathing... She kept the nudity in front of my eyes for about five or six minutes.Then she put on her pajamas again and buttoned them up from top to bottom.After tying everything up, he stood up quickly, quietly opened the bedroom door, and disappeared inside. I lay still on the bed for a long time, then got out of bed, picked up the watch that fell on the ground, and looked at the moonlight: 3:40.I went to the kitchen to drink a few glasses of water, and then I went to bed, but I didn't close my eyes until it was daylight -- the sunlight that filled the room completely wiped out the pale moonlight.In a trance that seemed to be half asleep, Reiko came over, patted my cheek twice, and shouted, "It's dawn, it's dawn." While Reiko was making my bed, Naoko was standing in the kitchen preparing breakfast.She smiled at me: "Good morning" and I replied "Good morning". Naoko was humming something while boiling water and cutting bread. Any hint of nakedness. "Hey, your eyes are so red, what's wrong?" Naoko said to me while pouring coffee. "I didn't fall asleep until midnight, and I didn't sleep well when I went down." "I didn't snore?" Reiko asked. ""No. "I answer. "It's fine," Naoko said. "He's very well behaved!" Reiko yawned. 最初我以为当着玲子的面直子故意做出若无其事的样子，或者是出于害羞，但在玲子从房间消失后她的神情仍毫无变化，眼睛仍旧那么晶莹清澈。 "睡得可好？"我问直子。 "嗯，死死的。"直子回答得十分轻松。这回拢住头发的是没有带任何装饰的朴素的发夹。 我这种较为清新纯净的心情在吃饭时间也未改变。我往面包上涂黄油，剥开煮鸡蛋，同时像要寻找什么痕迹似的坐在直子对面，不时地瞟她一眼。 "我说，渡边君，今早你干嘛总看我的脸？"直子好笑似的问道。 "他么，怕是在热恋着一个人。"玲子说。 "你热恋一个人？"直子问。 "或许。"我也笑着说。 这两个女子于是就此拿我开起玩笑。我听着听着，决定不再思索昨天晚间那件事，门头吃面包、喝咖啡。 早饭后，两人说要去鸟合给鸟喂食，我也打算跟去。她俩换上工作服，穿上白色长靴。鸟舍在网球场后面一个不大的公园内。里边有各种各样的鸟，从鸡到鸽子都有，还有孔雀、鹦鹉。四周有花坛，有观赏树，有长凳。同是患者模样的两名男子用扫帚在路上清扫落叶，两人看上去都在40至50岁之间。玲子和直子走到那两人跟前寒暄一句，玲子还说了句什么笑话，逗得两个男子直笑。花坛里开着大波斯菊，观赏树被精心修剪得整整齐齐。鸟儿一见到玲子，马上卿卿喳喳欢叫着在栏里扑来扑去。 她们钻进乌舍旁边的小仓房，拿出饵料袋和橡胶软管。直子把橡胶管接在水龙关上，拧动开头，然后在注意不让鸟跑出的同时进人栏内，清洗脏物。玲子用硬刷"嚓嚓"地刷洗地板。飞溅的水珠在阳光下闪闪耀眼，孔雀们生怕溅到身上，在栏里"扑扑通通"地一阵逃窜。火鸡则扬起脖子，像老大不高兴的老人似的拿眼珠瞪着我。鹦鹉在横杆上仿佛心怀不满，弄出很大声音拍打着翅膀。玲子对着鹦鹉学了声猫叫，鹦鹉便钻到角落里缩起肩膀，稍顷叫道："谢谢。神经病，臭屎蛋。" "谁这么教的？"直子叹息道。 "不是我哟，我哪里会教这种歧视人的话。"玲子说。随即又学了声猫叫，鹦鹉这回没再吭气。 "这小家伙，有一次给猫吓个半死，那以后就怕猫怕得什么似的。"玲子笑道。 打扫完毕，两人放下清扫用具，接着把饵料投进每个饵槽。火鸡不管三七二十一地扑打地面的积水，跑过来一头扎进槽内，直子拍打它的屁股，它也顾头不顾腚地只管猛啄不止。 "每天早上都做这活儿？"我问直子。 "是啊。新来的女的，一般都做这个，简单嘛。想看兔子？" "想看。"我说。 鸟舍后面是兔舍，十来只兔子趴在草堆上。她拿扫帚把兔粪扫在一起，给食槽放完食，便抱起一只小兔贴睑。 "可爱吧？"直子欣欣然地说。然后让我抱过来，那暖乎乎的小圆团儿在我怀里一动不动地蜷缩着，两耳一抖一抖地直动。 "放心，这人不用怕的。"直子说，用手指抚摸小兔的脑门，看着我的脸甜甜地一笑。那张笑脸没有一丝阴翳，甚至晴朗得有些耀眼，我便也情不自禁地跟着笑了。并且思忖，昨晚的直子到底怎么回事呢？那千真万确是直子本人呀，绝非什么梦境--她确实在我面前脱光身子来着…… 玲子打口哨悠扬地吹着《骄傲的玛莉》，一边归拢垃圾，装到塑料袋里，扎上口。我帮忙把清扫工具和饵料袋收进小仓房。 "我最喜欢早晨。"直子说，"一切都好像重新开始似的。中午时间一到我就有些伤感，晚上最最讨厌。每天每日我都是这么想着度过的。 "而且那么想着的时间里，你们也会像我一样上了年纪--就是在朝朝暮暮的时间里哟！"玲子不无得意地说，"快得很哩！" "不过玲子姐看起来倒是挺高兴上年纪似的。"直子说。 "上年纪我是并不高兴，可也不想再重新年轻。"玲子应道。 "那为什么？"我问。 "嫌麻烦呗，那不明摆着。"玲子回答。随即便继续吹着《骄傲的玛莉》的口哨把扫帚放进仓房，关好门。 返回房间，她们脱下长胶靴，换上普通运动鞋，说这就去农场。玲子劝我留在这里看书或做点什么算了，因为去看也没大意思，又是跟其他人共同作业。 "看完书，盥洗室桶里满满装着我们的脏内衣内裤，洗洗可好？"玲子说。 "开玩笑吧？"我吃了一惊，反问道。 "那还不是，"玲子笑着说，"当然是开玩笑嘛，这种话。你这个倒满可爱的，是吧，直子？" "是的吧。"直子笑着赞同。 "我学德语好了。"我叹了口气。 "乖孩子，我们等不到中午就回来，可得好好用功哟广玲子说。随即两人呵呵笑着离开房间。窗下传来一伙人走过的脚步声和说话声。 我走进盥洗室，重新洗把脸；拿她们的指甲钳剪了指甲。就两位女士居住这点来说，这盥洗室真是朴素利落得可以。雪花膏、唇脂育、防晒膏、洗头膏一类东西倒是零零碎碎排列了不少，而化妆品样的东西却几乎见不到。剪罢指甲，我去厨房倒杯咖啡，坐在桌前边喝边打开德语课本。我捡一处暖洋洋的阳光，只穿件圆领半袖衫，逐个往下背德语语法表。这时我不由产生不可思议的感觉：德语不规则动词同这餐桌之间，似乎相隔着所能想象得到的最遥远的距离。 11点半，两人从农场回来；轮流进去淋浴，换上洁净衣服。接着三人去食堂吃午饭，饭后步行到大门口。这回门卫倒正好在门卫室内，在桌前津津有味地吃着想必从食堂端来的午饭、搁物加上的晶体管收音机播放歌曲。我们走到时，他"呀"一声扬下手，寒暄一句，我们也道了声"您好"。 玲子说三个人这就出去散步，大约要三个小时后回来。 "嗅，随便，随便。嗯，天气满好嘛！沿河谷那条路因最近大雨有塌方危险，其他的尽管放心，没问题。"门卫说。 玲子在一张外出登记样的纸上写下直子和自己姓名以及外出时间。 "路上注意些！"门卫嘱咐道。 "挺热情的嘛！"我说。 "那人这地方有点小故障。"玲子用手指戳着脑袋说。 这且不论，反正天气确如门卫所说，果然不错。天空掉了底似的一片湛蓝，只有断断续续的云片在穹隆依稀抹下几缕淡白，宛如漆工试漆时涂出的几笔。我们沿着"阿美寮"低矮的石围墙走了一会，便离开墙，顺一条又陡又窄的坡路一路攀援而上。打头的是玲子，直子中间，我最后。玲子在这羊肠小道上步子迈得甚是坚定，俨然一副对这一带的山势无所不知的派头。我们几乎没再开口，只是一个劲儿地搬动脚步。直子身穿白衬衫蓝布裤，外衣脱掉拎在手中。我边爬边望着直子在肩头飘来摆去的垂直秀发。直子不时地回过头，和我目光相碰时便微微一笑。坡路长得简直令人发晕，但玲子的步调居然一点不乱，直子时而擦把汗，随后紧追不舍。倒是我因好久没跟山打交道了，不免气喘吁吁。 "经常这么爬山？"我问直子。 "一星期差不多一次吧。"直子回答，"很累吧？" ． "不轻松。"我说。 "三分之二了，不多了。你是男孩子吧？顶得住才行！"玲子说。 "运动不足嘛。" "光顾和女孩厮混了。"直子自言自语似的说。 我本想反驳一句什么，但透不过气，终未能顺利出口。头上生着一根伊然装饰性羽毛的红色小鸟不时从眼前掠过。它们那以蓝色天空为背景飞行的身影十分赏心说目。周围草丛里盛开着各色野花，白的、蓝的、黄的，多得令人眼花缘乱。到处都有蜜蜂的嗡嗡声。我一边观赏眼前景致，一边一步步往上移动，什么也不去想。 又爬了10多分钟，山路没有了，来到高原一般平坦的地方。我们在这里歇息片刻。擦汗，喘气，喝水筒里的水。玲子找来一种什么叶片，做成哨笛吹着。 下坡路便徐缓了，两侧狗尾草已经抽穗，黑压压的又高又密。大约走了15分钟，我们路过一处村庄。村里空无人影，十二三座房子全都作废了。房前屋后长满齐腰高的荒草，墙上的窟窿里沾着白花花的干鸽子粪。有的房子塌得只剩下立柱，但其中也有的似乎只消打开木板套窗便可以马上住人。我们从这早已断绝烟火的无声无息的房子中间的道路穿过。 "其实也就是七八年前这里还有几个人居住来着。"玲子告诉说，"四周全是庄稼地。可终归都跑光了，生活太难熬啦。冬天大雪封山，人动弹不得，再说土地也不是那么肥。还是去城里干活赚钱。" "可惜啊，本来有的房子还满可以使用。"我说。 "值皮士住过一阵子，冬天也都冻得逃之夭夭。" 穿过村庄，前行不一会，便是一片草地。像是一座四周有围栏的广阔牧场，远处可以望见几匹马在吃草。沿围栏走不久，一只大狗"啪喀啪喀"甩着尾巴跑来，扑到玲子身上，在她脸上嗅了嗅，然后又扑向直子摇头晃脑。我一打口哨，它又跑过来伸出长舌头左一下右一下舔我的手。 "牧场的狗。"直子摸着狗的脑袋说，"估计都有20岁了，牙齿不中用，硬东西几乎啃不动。总在店前躺着，一听到人的脚步声，就蹿上去撒娇。" 玲子从帆布包里掰下一块干奶酪。狗嗅到那气味儿，便奔过去一口叼住，高兴得什么似的。 "和这东西再也见不了几天了。"玲子拍着狗脑袋说，"到10月中旬，就要把马和牛装上卡车，运到山下的牧舍里去。只是夏季在这里放牧，让它们吃草，还开了一个小咖啡店招待游客。说起游客，一天跑来的顶多也就是二十来个。怎么，你不喝点什么？" "可以。"我说。 猗带头把我们领到那家咖啡店。这是座正面有檐廊的小建筑物，墙壁涂着白漆，房檐下悬挂一块咖啡杯形状的退色招牌。狗抢先爬上檐廊，"唿"地躺倒，眯缝眼睛。我们刚在檐廊的桌旁坐定，一个身穿教练衫白布裤、梳着马尾辫的女孩儿闪出，亲热地向玲子和直子塞暄。 "这是直子的朋友。"玲子介绍我。 "您好。"女孩儿说。 "您好。"我应道。 三个女士一阵闲聊的时间里，我抚摸着桌下面狗的脖子。那脖子的确老了，硬邦邦的几根筋。我在那硬筋上搔了几把，狗于是十分舒坦似的闭目合眼，"哈味哈味"喘着气。 "叫什么名字？"我问店里的女孩子。 " "贝贝。"她说。 "贝贝。"我叫了一声，狗完全无动于衷。 "耳聋，得再大点声才能听见。"女孩儿的话带有京都味儿。 "贝贝！"我扯着嗓门喊道，狗这回"霍"地立起身，"汪汪"两声。 "好了好了，慢慢睡，好长命百岁。"女孩儿说罢，贝贝又在我脚前来个就地卧倒。 直子和玲子要冷藏牛奶，我要了啤酒。玲子请女孩儿放立体声短波。女孩儿便按了下放大器开头，选放立体声。里面传出布莱德·舒特·安德烈斯的歌--《飞转的车轮》。 "说实话，我是为听立体声才到这儿来的。"玲子一副满足的神情，"我们那儿连个收音机也没有，要是再不来这里几次，连世上现在唱什么歌都不晓得了。" "一直住在这里？"我询问女孩儿。 "那怎么成，"女孩笑着回答，"这种地方，夜晚会把人孤单死的。傍晚由牧场的人用那个送回市内，早上再赶来。"她指了指稍远一点牧场办公室前停着的四轮机动车。 "这里怕也快到闲时候了吧？"玲子问。 "嗯，就要一点点地收摊了。"女孩儿说。玲子掏出烟，两人拍起来。 "你不在可就寂寞啦。"玲子又说。 "来年5月还来呀！"女孩儿笑道。 库利姆的《白房间》播完后，有一段商业广告，接着是西蒙和加丰凯尔乐队演唱的电影《毕业生》主题歌。曲子播完，玲子说她喜欢这首歌。 "这电影我看了。"我说。 "谁演的？" "达斯汀·霍夫曼。" "这人我不知道啊。"玲子不无伤感地摇摇头，"世界一天变一个样儿，在我不知道的时间里。" 玲子请那女孩儿借吉他用一下。女孩答应着，关掉收音机，从里边拿出一把旧吉他。狗抬起头，"呼噜呼噜"嗅了嗅吉他味儿。"可不是吃的哟，这个。"玲子像讲给狗听似的说。带有青草芳香的阵风吹过檐廊。山脉的棱线清晰地浮现在我们眼前。 "简直像《音乐之声》里的场面。"我对调弦的玲子说。 "你说的是什么呀？"她问道。 她弹起刚刚播过的电影《毕业生》主题曲。听起来她没见过乐谱，是第一次弹，未能一下子准确把握基调。但反复摸索之间，终于捕捉住那种流行的风格，把全曲弹了下来。而到第三遍时，已经可以不时地加人装饰音，弹得很流畅了。 "我的乐感不错。"玲子朝我挤下眼睛，用手指点了点自己的头，"只要听上三遍，没乐谱也大致弹得下来。" 她一边低声哼着旋律一边弹，直到把这首主题曲完整地弹完。我们三人一齐拍手，玲子彬彬有礼地低头致谢。 "过去弹莫扎特的协奏曲时，掌声更大着哩！"她说。 店里的女孩儿说，如果肯弹甲壳虫爵士乐的《太阳从这里升起》，冰藏牛奶可算店里请客。玲子伸出拇指，做出OK的表示。随即边哼歌词边弹《太阳从这里升起》。音量并不大，而且大概由于过度吸烟的关系，嗓音有些沙哑，但很有厚度，娓娓动人。我喝着啤酒，望着远山，耳听她的歌声，恍惚觉得太阳会再次从那里探出脸来。那心境实在太温馨、太平和了。《太阳从这里升起》一曲唱罢，玲子把吉他还给女孩儿，再次让她打开立体声短波。然后叫我和直子到附近一带散一个小时步去。 "我在这儿听收音机，和她聊天，3点前转回就可以了。" "两个人单独果那么久没有关系么？"我问。 "照理是有关系的。也就算了吧。我又不是守护婆，也想一个人轻松一下。更何况你大老远来一趟，也攒了一肚子话要说吧？"玲子边说边重新点燃一支香烟。 "走吧！"直子说着，立起身。 我便也起身跟在直子后面。狗睁开两眼，随后跟了几步，终于觉得自讨没趣，跑回老地方去了。我们在牧场围栏旁边平坦的路上从容自得地走着。直子不时拉起我的手，或挽住我的胳膊。 "这样子走路，像是很久以前的事了吧？"直子说。 "哪里很久，今年春天嘛广我笑道，"直到今春还这么来着。这要是说很久，10年前岂不成了古代史啦！ " "真有点像古代史似的。"直子说，"昨天真对不起，精神又有点激动。你特意跑来的，都怪我。 "不要紧的。我想恐怕还是把各种情感发泄出去好些，你也罢我也罢。所以，如果你想向谁发泄那些情感的话，那么就向我身上发泄好了。这样可以进一步加深理解。" "理解我又怎么着呢？" "嗅，你不明白。"我说，"这不是怎么着的问题。世界上，有人喜欢查时刻表一查就整整一天；也有的人把火柴棍拼在一起，准备造一艘一米长的船。所以说，这世上有一两个要理解你的人也没什么不自然的吧？" "或许类似一种什么爱好？"直子好笑似的说。 "说是趣味也未尝不可。一般而言，头脑精明的人称之为好意或爱情。你要是要称为爱好也是可以的。" "暧，渡边君，"直子说，"你喜欢本月？" "当然。"我回答。 "玲子呢？" "那人也极喜欢，好人呐！" "我说，你喜欢的那么都是这样的人呢？"直子说，"我们这些人，可全都是哪里抽筋儿、发麻、游也游不好、眼看着往水下沉的人啊。不论我、本月还是玲子，没一个例外。你为什么喜欢不上更健全的人呢？" "因为我并不那样想。"我略一沉吟，这样答道，"我无论如何也不认为你、木月和玲子有什么不正常。我觉得不正常的那帮家伙全都在神气活现地东奔西窜。" "可我们是不正常啊。我心里明白。"直子说。 我们默默走了一会。道路离开围栏，通到一片形状如同小湖一般圆圆的、四面围有树林的草地。 "夜里我时不时地醒来，怕得不得了。"直子依偎着我的胳膊说，"万一就这样不正常下去，恢复不过来的话，岂不要老死在这里了--想到这里，我就心都凉透了。太残酷了！心里又难受，又冰冷。" 我把手绕到她肩头，拢紧她。 "觉得就像本月从黑暗处招手叫我过去似的。他嘴里说：喂，直子，咱俩可是分不开的哟！给他那么一说，我真不知怎么才好了。" "那种时候怎么办呢？" "嗯，渡边君，你可别觉得奇怪哟。" "Okay." I said. "让玲子抱我。"直子说，"叫醒玲子，钻进她被窝，求她紧紧抱住，还哭。她抚摸我身体，直到心里都热乎过来。这--不奇怪？" "不奇怪。只是想由我来代替玲子紧紧抱你。" "马上就抱，就在这。"直子说。 我们坐在草地上的干草上，抱在一起。我们的身体完全隐没在草丛之中，除了天空和白云，什么都看不见了。我把直子慢慢放倒在草上，紧紧搂住她。直子的身体柔软而温暖，双手摸索着我的身子。我和直子接了一个深情的吻。 "暧。渡边君？"直子在我耳边说。 "Ok?" "想和我睡？" "自然。"我说。 "能等？" "当然能等。" "在那以前，我想再调治一下自己。恢复得好好的，成为一个符合你口味的人。能等到那时候？" "当然等的。" "现在变硬了？" "脚底板？" "傻瓜广直子哧哧笑道。 "要是你问的是冲动没有，那倒是的，还用问。" "嗯？，不说那个还用问好不好？" "好，不说。"我说。 "那滋味，不好受？" "what?" "冲动啊。" "不好受？"我反问。 "就是，是不是……憋得不舒服。" "看怎么想。" "给你放出来好么？" "用手？" "嗯。"直子说。 事完后，我温柔地抱住她，又接了次吻。 "这回走路好受一点了吧？" "亏你帮忙。"我回答。 "那么，再走一会儿好么？" "Okay." I said. 我们穿过草地，穿过杂木林、又穿过草地。直子边走边讲她死去的姐姐。她说，这话还几乎没向任何人讲过，但认为还是向我讲了为好。 "我们年龄相差6岁，性格什么的也很不相同，但关系处得非常融洽。"直子说，"一次架也没吵过，真的。当然，也有水平差距等方面的原因，水平差距大，也是吵不起来的。" 直子接着说； "姐姐属于无论让干什么都拿第一那种类型。学习第一，体育第一，又有威望又有领导才能。性格热情开朗，在男孩子中间也很有人缘，也很受老师喜爱，得的奖状足有一百张。哪所公立学校都有一两个这样的女孩儿。示过，倒不是因是自家姐姐才这样说，我姐姐可不是别人一宠就自以为好了不起或对人摆出一副不冷不热面孔的人，她不喜欢哗众取宠，只不过是不论干什么都自然而然干得最好罢了。 "这么着，我从小就决心当一个可爱的女孩儿。直子一边来回旋转着狗尾草穗一边说，"原因很简单，因为我是一直听着周围人夸姐姐脑袋又好使又会体育又有人缘这些话长大的。我觉得我再怎么死追活赶也撵不上姐姐。要是光论长相，倒是我稍漂亮一点，父母也像是打算让我在他们的疼爱下长大，因此从一上小学就把我送人那样的学校：天鹅绒连衣裙、镇花边的短罩衫、漆皮鞋，还学钢琴和芭蕾舞。不过因此姐姐可喜爱我了，喜爱得不得了，真像对待可爱的小妹妹似的。买各种各样的小东西送给我，领我去各种各样的地方，教我怎样用功，同男朋友约会时也带我一起去来着。实在是个再好不过的姐姐。 "至于她为什么自杀，谁也弄不明原因，和木月的情况一样，一模一样。年龄也是17，直到事件发生前也没有自杀的征兆，遗书也没有--一样吧？" "倒是的。"我说。 "大伙都说那孩子聪明过分了，看书看过头了。可也是，确实手不离书，有好大一堆书。姐姐死后我也看了不少，心里很难过。书里有她写的字，夹着标本花，还夹有男朋友的信。为此我哭了好几场。" 直子停了一下，默然转动着狗尾草穗。 "差不多所有的事情都能自己一手处理，几乎没找过谁商量或求人帮忙。也不是因为自尊心特别强，不过是觉得那样做是理所当然的，大概。父母也对此习已为常，说这孩子撒手不管也不要紧。我倒是经常找姐姐商量，她非常热心地教这个教那个，可自己不找任何人商量，全都一个人解决。既不发脾气，也没有不高兴的时候，真的，不是夸大其词。女人嘛，例如来月经的时候不是心情烦躁得要冲人发火吗，或多或少。姐姐连这种情况也没有。在她身上，是用消沉来代替不高兴的。往往两三个月就来一次，一连两三天闷在自己房里睡觉。学校不去，东西也几乎不吃。把房间光线弄得暗暗的，什么也不做，只是发呆，但不是不高兴。我一放学