Chapter 8 Chapter 6: Greenery and Hidden Beauty (1)

When I woke up, it was 7 o'clock in the morning on Monday.I hurriedly washed my face, shaved my beard, and ran to the management director's room without breakfast, telling him to go climbing in two or three days.Before that, I often went out for short trips whenever I was free, so the management director just said "ah".I took a crowded commuter train to Tokyo Station and bought a non-reserved Shinkansen ticket to Kyoto.Then hop on the "Lightning" train like lightning, and replace breakfast with hot coffee and sandwiches.After about an hour, I fell asleep in a daze.

When it was almost 11 o'clock, we arrived at Kyoto Station.Following Naoko's instructions, I took the bus to Sanjo, walked to a nearby private railway station, and asked which platform and when the No. 16 bus would leave.The answer is that it departs from the first bus shelter on the opposite side at 12:35, and it will take a little over an hour to arrive at the destination.I bought a ticket at the ticket office, then went to a nearby bookstore, bought a map, and sat on a stool in the bus shelter to look up the exact location of "Ameiliao".From the map, "Ameiliao" is indeed located in the deep mountains and old forests.Naoko's letter said: The bus needs to go north over several hills, and when it reaches a place where it can no longer go forward, it turns around and turns to the city.A few steps ahead of the parking lot where I got off is the end point.There is a climbing path from the parking station, and it takes 20 minutes to walk to "Ameiliao".I thought, the place to go is deep in the mountains, so it must be quiet.

After boarding about twenty guests, the bus set off immediately and headed north along the Kamogawa River through downtown Kyoto.The farther you go north, the more desolate the streets, and the countryside and wasteland begin to be seen.The black roof ridges and plastic sheds are bathed in the sunshine of early autumn, shining brightly.Soon, the car got into the mountain.The road was winding and winding, and the driver held the steering wheel tightly, turning it from left to right.I'm a bit motion sick and the smell of my morning coffee is still in my stomach.During this time, the number of corners gradually decreased, and just as he breathed a sigh of relief, the car suddenly drove into the gloomy fir forest.The cedar trees tower up to the sky like a virgin forest, covering the sky and the sun, and covering everything in dim shadows.The wind coming in from the window suddenly became cold, and the moisture was degraded to the skin.The car drove along Guchuan in the cedar forest for a long time. Just when I felt that the whole world would be buried in the cedar forest forever, the forest finally disappeared, and we came to a basin-like place surrounded by mountains.Looking around, the grass seedlings in the basin are green and green, extending flatly in all directions.A clear brook gurgled beside the road.In the distance, a wisp of white smoke curled up.Clothes are hanging on clotheslines everywhere.Several dogs barked "Wow, woof".In front of every house, firewood is piled up to the eaves, and cats take a nap on it.Such farmers and families continued on both sides of the road for a long time, but no one was seen.

After this scene repeated several times, the car drove into the cedar forest.Drive through the cedar forest into the village, through the village and drive into the cedar forest.Every time it stopped in a village, several people got off the bus, but none came up.About 4O minutes from the urban area, the car drove up to the top of a mountain with a wide view.The driver stopped the car and told the passengers to wait for five or six minutes, and those who want to get off may as well get off.Counting me as the only four passengers, they all got out of the car, stretching, smoking or looking at the stretching cityscape of Kyoto.The driver urinates standing up.A tanned man in his mid-fifties, who was putting a big rope-bound cardboard box into the trunk, asked me if I was climbing a mountain, and I didn't want to be bothered, so I replied, "Yes.

After a while, a bus came up from the other side, stopped next to our car, and the driver jumped out.The two drivers didn't exchange a few words before getting into their respective cars.Passengers also returned to their seats.Immediately, the two vehicles began to move in their respective directions.I immediately understood the reason why our car was waiting for another car at the top of the mountain: Not far down from the top of the mountain, the road suddenly narrowed, and we couldn't miss two large passenger cars.Our car missed several vans and cars, and each time one of them backed away, sticking the body against the corner bulge.

The villages lined up along the Guchuan River are much smaller than before, and the flat land available for cultivation is not large.The mountains are steep and approaching.It's just that there are too many dogs, but every village is the same. As soon as the car arrives, the dogs will bark one after another. At the station where I got off, there was nothing around.There is neither home nor land.I saw that the station was clearly marked and independent, a small river passed by, and a mountain climbing intersection flashed out.I put my canvas bag on my shoulder and climbed up the mountain along Guchuan.On the left side of the road, the water is gurgling, and on the right side, there are continuous miscellaneous trees.After walking along the gentle slope for about 15 minutes, a fork appeared on the right where vehicles could barely pass. A wooden sign was erected at the intersection with the words "Ameiliao refuses entry except for relevant personnel".

The road surface in the miscellaneous woods is full of traces of wheels.From time to time in the surrounding forest, the sound of birds spreading their wings "flapping and flapping".The sound sounded very clear, as if it had been partially amplified. With a "bang", there was a sound like a gunshot in the distance, but the sound was muffled and low from here, as if it had been filtered by several sheets of filter paper. Passing through the miscellaneous woods, a white stone wall appeared in front of my eyes.Although it is a stone wall, it is only as tall as my head at best, and there is no fence or barbed wire on it. If you want to, you can climb over the wall and kill people.The black gate was made of iron, with an indestructible momentum, but it was wide open, and there was no guard in the guard room.Next to the door stood the same wooden sign as before: "A Meimei is not allowed to enter except for relevant personnel."It seems that someone has stayed in the guard room for a few minutes: there are three cigarette butts in the ashtray, there is a few sips of tea in the teacup, there is a transistor radio on the shelf, and the clock on the wall is sounding dryly. , leaving a trace of time.I waited here for a while, waiting for the guard to return.But it didn't look like someone was coming, so he rang the doorbell next to him two or three times.Inside the door is the parking lot, where small passenger cars and high-horsepower coaches are parked.A dark blue Bolbo Swiss car.Thirty cars can be parked in the field, but only these three cars are parked.

Two or three minutes later, a doorman in a navy blue uniform came on a yellow bicycle from the forest road.The man was around 60, tall and bald.He leaned the yellow bicycle against the wall of the hut and turned to me: "Ah, I'm really sorry!" But that tone of voice didn't seem to imply any apology."32" written on the fender of the bicycle in white paint.I said my name and he grabbed the phone and repeated my name twice.After the other party said something, he replied: "Okay, okay, I understand", and immediately put down the receiver. "Please go to the main building and find Mr. Ishida." The guard said, "Go straight along this Linzhong Road, and there is a turntable intersection. The second road from the left--remember, take the second road from the left, Not far away is an old building, and from there to the right through a forest, there is a reinforced concrete building, which is the main building. There are signposts along the way, so you won’t get lost.”

According to what he said, I turned into the second road from the left at the turntable intersection, and at the end there was indeed an elegant ancient building that looked like a villa in the past.The courtyard is dotted with uniquely shaped stones and carved stone lanterns, and the vegetation is neatly manicured.It looks like this place might have been someone's villa estate before.From here, there is a turn through the woods, and a three-story reinforced concrete building appears in front of you.Although it is three floors, it does not give a particularly majestic feeling because it is built in a depression that seems to have been dug out of the ground.The building is simple in shape and looks very clean.

The lobby is on the second floor.I went up a few stairs, opened a large glass door and stepped in. There was a young woman in a dress sitting at the reception desk.I told my name and said that the guard called me to see Mr. Ishida.She smiled nicely, pointed to the brown sofa in the hall, told me to sit there and wait for a while in a low voice, and then dialed the phone.I put down the rucksack on my shoulders, sat on the sofa that was so soft that I almost sunk in, and looked around.The lobby is bright and clean, and feels comfortable.There were houseplants in pots, cheerful abstract paintings on the walls, and polished floors.While waiting, I turned my eyes to the shoes on my feet that reflected their shadows on the floor, and stared at them for a long time.

At this time, the girl in charge of reception told me, "I'll be here in a while."I nod.I thought this place was surprisingly quiet.There is no sound around, it seems like a nap time - people, animals, insects, plants and trees are all sleeping soundly, what a silent afternoon. But not long after, there was the sound of soft footsteps in rubber loafers, and a middle-aged lady with short hair—which seemed rather stiff—appeared.She quickly sat down beside me, crossed her legs, and shook hands with me.While holding it, I looked at my hand repeatedly. "You haven't, at least you haven't played with an instrument in the past few years?" This was the first sentence she said. "Hmm" I was taken aback. "You can tell by looking at the hands." She said with a smile. What an incredible woman.There are many wrinkles on her face, which are the most noticeable.However, it does not look old because of this, but there is a youthful atmosphere beyond age that is emphasized through wrinkles.The wrinkles were in harmony with her face as if they were born with her.When she smiles, the wrinkles follow; when she worries, the wrinkles follow.When not smiling or worrying, those wrinkles docilely adorn her entire face, not without cynical meaning.She was thirty-five and above, and not only made a good impression, but also seemed to have a breathtaking charm.I fell in love with her right away. Her hair was cut rather sloppily, in varying lengths, with a few strands here and there blazing wildly.The front hair was also ragged over her forehead, but it was just right for her.A white half-sleeved T-shirt was covered with a blue overalls, a pair of fat cream-colored cloth pants, and a pair of tennis shoes on the feet.Thin, frail figure, with few breasts.From time to time, the lips twisted aside mockingly, and the wrinkles in the eyes moved slightly.She is like a warm, forthright and skilled female carpenter who is more or less disillusioned. She retracted her jaw slightly, still twisted the corners of her mouth, and looked at me from top to bottom for a long time. I was really worried that she would immediately take out a tape measure from her pocket and start measuring the measurements of various parts of my body. "Can you play a musical instrument?" "No, it won't." I replied. "It's a pity, it would be interesting to know one!" I said "yes".I really don't understand why she always can't do without the instrument when she opens and closes her mouth. She took out the Seven Star Cigarette from her breast pocket, put it in her mouth, lit it with a lighter, and breathed out tastefully. "Hmm--is it Mr. Watanabe? Before you meet Naoyu, I think it's better for me to introduce the situation here. So first, you and I will have a talk like this. There is a little difference between here and other places. It's different, if you don't know anything in advance, I think it's very likely to make a fool of yourself. Hey, you don't know much about things here, do you?" Well, almost zero. " "Well, let me start from the beginning..." At this point, she seemed to think of something, clapped her fingers together, and said, "Oh, did you have anything for lunch? Are you hungry?" "Hungry." I said. "Then come with me. We'll discuss it while eating in the cafeteria. The time for dinner has passed, but if we go now, there might be something to eat." She took the lead, striding across the corridor and down the stairs to the cafeteria on the first floor.The cafeteria can seat more than 200 people, but only half of them are used now, and the remaining half is separated by a screen.Kind of like an out-of-season summer sanatorium.The lunch menu includes stewed potatoes with eggs, green salad, orange juice and bread.As Naoko wrote in her letter, the greens were surprisingly delicious.I bring the contents of the plate to light. "You eat so delicious!" She said enviously. "It's really delicious! Besides, I haven't eaten anything seriously since morning." "If you don't mind eating my portion, here. I'm full. Eat?" "If you don't want it, I'll eat it." I said. "I have a small stomach, so I can only hold a little. Therefore, I rely on smoking to make up for the lack of appetite." As he spoke, he took another Seven Star cigarette and lit it up, "By the way, my name is Reiko, everyone That's what it's called." Her stewed potato moved a little, so I ate it and ate the bread—Reiko looked at me with interest. "Are you Naoko's primary doctor?" I tried to ask her. "I'm a doctor?" She looked startled, and suddenly frowned, "How can I be a doctor?" "But I was told to find Mr. Ishida!" "Ah, that's right. Well, I am a teacher of music here. That's why some people call me Mr. In fact, I am also a patient. I have been here for seven years. I usually teach everyone music and help with homework. Some routine work. As a result, it is unclear whether it is an employee or a patient. Naoko didn't tell you about me?" I shake my head. "Well," Reiko said, "ah, whatever. Naoko and I live in the same dormitory, so-called roommates. It's fun to live with that child. There's a lot to talk about, and you're often talked about." "What are you talking about?" I asked. "By the way, I have to introduce the situation here first." Reiko ignored my question at all, "First of all, the first point I hope you understand is that this is not a hospital in the general sense. Simply put, this is not a hospital. The place of treatment is a place of recuperation. Of course, there are a few doctors who round the ward for about an hour every day, but that is just to confirm it like taking a temperature, rather than the so-called active treatment like other hospitals. Therefore, here There is no iron fence, and even the door is always open. People come in voluntarily and go out voluntarily. Moreover, those who can enter here are limited to those who are suitable for this kind of convalescence. It does not mean that anyone can come in, those who need special People who are being treated will go to specialized hospitals according to their condition. Do you understand this?" "I seem to understand. But, what exactly is this recuperation going on?" Reiko took a breath of cigarettes and drank the remaining orange juice in one gulp: "Life here itself is recuperation. Life is regular, we do sports, we are isolated from the outside world, quiet, and the air is fresh. We have our own fields, and we are basically self-sufficient. Self-sufficient. It is similar to the commune that is popular now. It is just that the fees here are quite high, which is different from the commune." "How high is it?" "It's not ridiculously expensive, but it's not cheap either. Look, what a magnificent facility, the place is big, there are few patients, and there are many staff. As far as I am concerned, I have been staying here for a long time, and it is equivalent to half the staff. I am hospitalized. Fei Cai is essentially exempt, which is not bad. Why don't you drink coffee?" I said I want to drink.So she put out her cigarette, got up, and went to the coffee warmer to fill up two cups.She put in the sugar, stirred it with a spoon, frowned and took a sip. "This nursing home is not a profit-making enterprise. It can be maintained with this not-so-high hospitalization fee. All the land was donated by one person, and a legal person was established. This area used to be that person's villa, about 20 years ago .See that old house?" I said I saw it. "In the past, there was only one building, and the patients were concentrated there for group treatment. Speaking of the whole story, it was like this: the man's son was also prone to mental illness, and the specialist doctor advised him to go to group treatment. The doctor The theory is that in a place far away from human habitation, everyone helps each other and loves each other. At the same time, they are engaged in physical labor, and doctors also participate in giving advice and checking symptoms, so that a certain disease can be completely cured. This is how it was established here, and the scale gradually expanded. Became a legal person. The farm was also expanded, and this main building was built 5 years ago." "Is the treatment working?" "Well, of course it is impossible to cure all diseases, and there are still a lot of people who can't be cured. But on the other hand, there are indeed many people who have been unable to recover here. The biggest advantage here is that everyone helps each other. Everyone All know their own insufficiency, and therefore want to help each other. This is not the case elsewhere. Unfortunately, elsewhere, doctors are always doctors and patients are patients. Patients turn to doctors, and doctors help patients. But here But we help each other and learn from each other. And doctors are our companions. When we find what we need, they will come to help. Sometimes we help them too. Because in some cases we are better than them Yes. For example, I taught a doctor to play the piano and a patient taught a nurse to learn French. That’s it. People with our disease have many people who have learned specialties. So we are all equal here, whether patients or staff, You are also included. You are one of us during the time you are here, I help you, and you help me." Reiko touched the wrinkles on her face kindly, and smiled, "You help Naoko, and Naoko helps you. " "How can I do it, specifically?" "First of all, you must have the desire to help the other party, and at the same time, you must have the mood to ask others to help you. Second, you must be honest. Sweet words, whitewashing, and deceit are all unacceptable. That's all you need to do." "Work hard," I said, "but why have you stayed here for seven years? I don't think there's anything abnormal about what you've said." "It's daytime," she said wistfully, "but it's going to be different at night. At night, I'm drooling and rolling around on the floor." "Really?" I asked. "Liar to you, how is that possible," she said, shaking her head in disbelief, "I'm recovered, now. I'm here only because I love helping all kinds of people get healthy too. Teaching music , grow vegetables, I like it here. Everyone is like friends. In comparison, what is the outside world? I am 38 this year, and I am 40, and I am not the same as Naoko. I go out from here, and there is no one waiting for me , there is no home to take me in, no decent job, and almost no friends. Besides, I have been here for 7 years, and I know nothing about the world. Of course, sometimes I read newspapers in the library. But I haven't left here for seven years! Even if I go out now, Monk Zhang Er can't figure it out." "Maybe there will be a new world unfolding in front of you." I said, "There is always value in trying, right?" "This—maybe." As she spoke, she turned the lighter in her hand for a long time, "But, Mr. Watanabe, I also have my specific situation. If you want to listen, I will tell you slowly next time." I nod. "So, Naoko is getting better?" "Well, that's how I see it. We were pretty disorganized when we first arrived, and we were all overwhelmed and a little worried. But now we've settled down, and our speech is much better than before, and we can express what we want to say... ...It can be said that it is indeed developing in a positive direction. However, the child should have received treatment earlier. In her case, symptoms have begun since the death of the boyfriend named Ben Yue. People should be able to see it, and she should know it herself. There is also a family background..." "Family background?" I was surprised and asked back. "Oh, you don't know?" Reiko was more surprised than I was. I nodded silently. "Then ask Naoko directly, it's better that way. The child will tell you everything honestly, she has the intention." Reiko stirred the coffee with a small spoon again, and took a sip. "Besides, there is a rule here, I think it is still It's good to make it clear from the beginning that you and Naoko are forbidden to be alone together. This is the rule, and outsiders and interviewees cannot be alone. Therefore, there is always an inspector-in fact, me-around. I I also feel embarrassed, so I have to ask you to bear with me, okay?" "Okay." I smiled. "But don't worry about it, the two of you can talk openly. Don't take me by the side. I know everything about you and Naoko." "All wide "Basically everything," she said. "We don't have group therapy, so we pretty much know everything. Besides, Naoko and I talk about everything. There aren't that many secrets here." I watched Reiko's face while drinking coffee. "Honestly, I don't understand, and I don't understand if what I did to Naoko in Tokyo was really right. I've been thinking about it, but I'm still confused." "I don't understand either," Reiko said, "Naoko doesn't understand either. That's a matter for the two of you to speak freely. Isn't it? Even if something happens, it can be changed for the better, as long as you understand each other. .As for whether it was done correctly, I'm afraid it's okay to think about it later." I nod. "I think the three of us can help each other, you, Naoko, and I—as long as we're honest with each other and have the desire to help each other. Sometimes the three of us can work miracles if we think together. You're here How long do you live in?" "I plan to go back to Tokyo the evening of the day after tomorrow. First, I have to work part-time, and second, I have a German test on Thursday." "Okay. Then stay in our room. It will save money, and you can talk to your heart's content." "Us? Who?" "My and Naoko's room, needless to say." Reiko said, "The room is separate. And there is a sofa bed, so you can sleep soundly, don't worry." "But wouldn't that be a problem, male guests living in the female dormitory?" "Look at you, you don't come to our room at 1 o'clock in the middle of the night and take turns teasing?" "Of course not, how could that be!" "So there is no problem! Just live with us, chat slowly, talk all over the world, how good it is! And there is no barrier, and I can play the guitar for you. I seriously have Two hands!" "But really don't bother?" Lingzi took the third Seven Star cigarette in her mouth, twitched the corner of her mouth, and lit it up, "We have already discussed this point, and we are going to entertain you together. It is private. You should accept it honestly." come down." "Of course I can't ask for it," I said. Reiko frowned and stared at my face for a long time: "You have a weird way of speaking." She said, "I'm afraid you are imitating the boy in "Rye Field"?" "Where do we start?" I smiled. Reiko also smiled with a cigarette in her mouth: "However, you are an honest person. I can tell at a glance. I have lived here for 7 years, and I have seen many people who come and go. I know how to look at people and know who they are. The difference between those who give out their hearts and those who don't. You belong to those who are willing to give out their hearts. To be precise, you are the ones who can give out their hearts if they want to." "So what if you take it out?" Reiko was still smoking her cigarette, she clasped her hands together on the table with joy. "It will recover," she said.She didn't care about the cigarette ash falling on the table. We walked out of the main building, up a hill, and past the swimming pool, tennis and basketball courts.On the tennis court, there are two men practicing tennis.A thin middle-aged man and a fat young man, both of them are good at the game, but in my opinion, they are both playing a game that is completely different from tennis.It gives the impression that he is interested in the elasticity of the ball and is studying it rather than playing it.They were pondering something solemnly, while persistently hitting the ball back and forth.And both were sweating.The young man in front of him caught a glimpse of Reiko, stopped playing, came over and talked to Reiko with a smile.Next to the tennis court, a man with a large lawn mower mowed the lawn expressionlessly. Going forward is the woods.Fifteen or six small Western-style houses are scattered in the forest, all keeping a certain distance from each other.In front of almost all residences, there are yellow bicycles that are ridden by guards.Reiko told me that all the family members of the staff live here. "Even if you don't go to the city, you can get what you need, and everything is here." Reiko walked towards me and introduced, "Food, as I said just now, is basically self-sufficient. There is a chicken farm, and eggs are readily available. There are books. There are records and sports facilities. There are also stores similar to self-selected shopping malls. Barbers come every week. Movies are shown on weekends. If you want to buy special things, you can entrust the staff in the city. You can order suits through advertising catalogs. Nothing wrong convenient." "Can't you go into town?" I asked. "That's not allowed. Of course, there are special exceptions, such as going to the dentist, etc., but in principle it is not allowed. Leaving here is completely everyone's freedom, but once you leave, you can't come back here. This is the same as crossing a river and tearing down a bridge. One thing. It wouldn't work to go into town for two or three days and then come back again. Wouldn't it? If that were the case, it wouldn't be full of people going in and out." Walk through the woods and up a gentle slope.Two-story wooden houses with a magical atmosphere are arranged irregularly on the slope.If you ask where the wonder is, you can't explain it well. In short, the first feeling is that these buildings are always somewhat strange.It resembles the emotion we so often get from paintings that try to eloquently depict unreal realms.It occurred to me that this might be what Walt Disney would have looked like if he had made a cartoon based on Munch's painting.Every building has the same shape and is painted the same color.The shape is roughly close to a cube, left and right symmetrical, the door is very wide, and there are many windows.The roads between the buildings meandered like the coaching lines of a driver's workshop.Flowers and plants are planted in front of all buildings, which are neatly trimmed.There was no one there, and the windows were covered with curtains. "This is called District C, and it's all women, that is us. There are ten buildings like this, and each building is divided into four units. There are thirty-two people.",. "It's too quiet for me to say. "No one is around at this time." Reiko said, "I am given special treatment, so I am so free now. Most people have to follow their schedules. Some exercise, some tidy up the yard, some have group therapy, Some people go outside to pick wild vegetables. The schedule is up to you. What is Naoko doing now? Probably changing the wallpaper or repainting, I can’t remember exactly. Such activities usually last until about 5 o’clock.” She stepped into the building numbered C-7, climbed the stairs at the end, and opened the door on the right. The door was not locked.Reiko led me around the room.There are four rooms: living room, bedroom.The kitchen and bathroom are simple and clean, giving people a good feeling.There is no frills, no discordant furniture, but it does not give a sense of foreboding.Staying in the room, I can't explain why, just like when I was facing Naoko, I felt relaxed and happy physically and mentally.The living room only has a sofa, a table, and a rocking chair.There is a dining table in the kitchen.There are large ashtrays on both table tops.The bedroom has two beds, two desks and two nightstands.There is a small table and a reading lamp beside the pillow on the bed, and a small book is lying on it.The kitchen has a small microwave and refrigerator for light meals. "There is no bathtub, it's just a shower, but it's okay?" Reiko said, "The bathhouse and washing facilities are shared." "It's overkill! The dorm I live in has only ceilings and windows." "You don't know the winter here." Reiko thumped my back and asked me to sit on the sofa, and she sat next to me. "The winter here is long and hard. Looking around, there is snow everywhere. , snow, snow. It's cold and cold, and it cools my heart. We have to sweep snow every day in winter. In that season, we make the room warm, listen to music, chat, and knitting. So, If you don’t have such a large space, you will be suffocated and uncomfortable. If you come in winter, you will know how it feels.” Reiko seemed to recall the long winter days, she sighed deeply and rubbed her hands on her knees. "Put it down for you to use as a bed," she said, banging on the sofa the two of them were sitting on, "We sleep in the bedroom, and you sleep here, okay?" "I have no objection." "Then, it's settled," Reiko said. "We'll be back around five o'clock, and Naoko and I still have things to do. You'll have to wait here alone, okay?" "It doesn't matter, you can learn German anyway." After Reiko left, I slumped headfirst on the sofa, closed my eyes, and submerged in the silence unconsciously.For a long time, I remembered the scene of my long-distance travel on a motorcycle with me this month. "Thinking about it this way, it seems to be such an autumn day. The autumn day came a few years ago? 4 years ago. I remembered the smell of Kizuki's leather jacket and the 125cc red Yamaha roaring all the way. We I ran all the way to the coast far and far away, and came back in the evening exhausted. In fact, nothing special happened, but I remember that trip clearly. The autumn wind whizzed past my ears, I hugged Muyue's jacket tightly with both hands, and looked up at the sky, feeling as if my whole body was about to be swept up into the sky. For a long time, I lay motionless on the sofa like this, recalling the scene at that time.For some reason, as soon as I lay down in this room, things that I had hardly thought of in the past came to my mind one after another.Some are heart-rending, while others are a little sad. I don't know how long it took, and I was completely submerged in the unexpected flood of memories (it was indeed like a spring gushing out of a crack in a rock), and I didn't even notice that Naoko quietly pushed the door in.When she opened her eyes suddenly, Naoko was already standing there.I raised my head and looked straight into Naoko's eyes for a long while.She sat on the arm of the sofa and looked at me too.At first I thought it was an image woven by my own memory, but it is indeed a living Naoko. "Asleep?" she asked me, her voice very low. "No. Just thinking about something," I sat up, "how are you?" "Well, it's okay!" Naoko smiled slightly.That smile reminds us of a faint distant view. "I have to go right away. I shouldn't have come here. I ran here in a little time. I have to go back right away. Here, my hairstyle is funny, isn't it?" "Where, very cute." I said. She had her haircut neatly cut like a schoolgirl, and one side was still pinned up neatly with a hairpin as usual.This hairstyle really complements Naoko.It looks like a beautiful girl who often appears in medieval woodblock paintings. "I found it troublesome, so I asked Reiko to cut it off. Do you really think it's cute?" "Absolutely true." But my mother just said no three no four. Said Naoko, she took off the hairpin, loosened her hair, combed it with her fingers a few times and put it back on. The hairpin is in the shape of a butterfly. "I, before the three of us meet together, I want to see you alone. It's not that I have to say something, I just want to see your face and get used to it. Otherwise, I won't get used to it. I'm very stupid." "Get used to it?" "A little bit," she said, putting her hand on the hairpin again, "but there's no time right now. I'll get over it." I nod. "Watanabe-kun, thank you for coming here, I am so happy. However, if you feel that being here is a burden, just say so. This place is a bit special. The management method is also special, and there are still people who can't get used to it. If you really feel that way, just say it frankly, and I will never be disappointed. We are all honest here, and we have nothing to say." "I'll tell the truth," I said. This time Naoko sat next to me on the sofa and leaned against me.I hugged her shoulders, and she rested her head on my shoulders, with the tip of her nose against my neck.After that, I remained motionless, as if checking my body temperature.I hugged her lightly, feeling a warm current in my chest.Suddenly, Naoko stood up without a word, opened the door and left as quietly as when she entered. After Naoko walked out, I fell asleep on the sofa.I didn't want to sleep at first, but finally fell asleep in the presence of Naoko who I hadn't seen for a long time.In the kitchen there are utensils for Naoko, in the bathroom there is a toothbrush for Naoko, in the bedroom there is a bed for Naoko to sleep in.In such a room, I slept soundly, as if I wanted to squeeze the fatigue out of every cell drop by drop.I had a dream, dreaming of butterflies fluttering in the dim night. When I woke up, my watch pointed to 4:35.The color of the sky has changed a bit, the sound of the wind has long since died down, and the shape of the clouds is also slightly different.I sweated from sleep, took out a towel from my canvas bag, wiped my face, and put on a new shirt.Then I went into the kitchen to drink some water, stood in front of the sink and looked out the window.From this window you can see the windows of the opposite building.Inside the window are several paper-cut artworks hung with strings.There are silhouettes of birds, clouds, cows, and cats, all cut delicately and combined together.There is still no one around, and there is no sound.I felt as if I were alone among the well-ordered ruins. -. Just after 5 o'clock, people began to return to "Zone C".View from the kitchen window.I saw three ladies passing under the window.All three of them were wearing hats, their looks and ages were unknown.But from the sound of it, it doesn't sound very young.They turned a corner and soon disappeared.Then, four more ladies walked in the same direction, but they also turned around and disappeared.There was an atmosphere of dusk all around.From the living room window, you can see the ridgeline of the woods and mountains.There is a faint sunset on the ridgeline, as if coated with a layer of light. Naoko and Reiko came back together at 5:30.Naoko and I exchanged the usual greetings as if we had just met.Naoko looked a little ashamed.Reiko's eyes fell on the book I was reading just now, and asked what book I was reading, I said it was Thomas Mann's. "Why did you bring this kind of book to this place on purpose?" Hiroko asked as if to blame. I think it's true for her to say that. Reiko poured coffee, and the three drank it.I told Naoko that the Death Squad suddenly disappeared, and he gave me a firefly on the day we saw each other for the last time.直子十分遗憾地说："真可惜啊，他怎么没了！本来还想多多听听他的故事呢。"玲子想知道敢死队，我便又讲了一遍。不用说，玲子也大笑起来。只要一提起敢死队，整个世界便充满和平、洋溢欢笑。 6点时，我们三人去主楼食堂吃晚饭。我和直子要来炸鱼、青菜色拉和炖菜，还有米饭和汤。玲子则只要通心粉色拉和咖啡，之后便又吸烟。 "上了年纪，身体就变得吃不进多少东西啦。"她解释般地说。 食堂里，有二十个左右的人围着餐桌吃晚饭。我们吃饭时，几个人进来。几个人出去。除去年龄有所不同这点，食堂光景同寄宿院内的没什么两样。另一点与我那里食堂不同的是，每人讲话的音量都相差无几。既无大声喧哗，又无窍窍私语。既无人开怀大笑和惊叫，也没人扬手招呼。每一个人都用大体相同的音量悄然而谈。他们分成几个小组吃饭，每组三到五个人。一个人谈的时候，其他人就侧耳倾听，连连点头。这个人讲完后，其他人便接着讲了一会。讲的什么我自然弄不清楚、但他们的交谈使我想起白天看见的那个奇妙的打网球场面。我猜想，直子和他们在一起时，恐怕也是这样讲话。说来奇怪，一瞬间，一股夹杂着嫉妒心理的寂寥感掠过我的心头。 我身后那张桌上，一个身穿白大褂的俨然医生派头的头发稀疏的男子，正面对一个戴眼镜的神经质模样的小伙子和粟鼠般脸形的中年女士，不厌其详地说明什么无重力状态下的胃液分泌情况。小伙子和中年女士或"啊"或"是吗"地回应着。但听了一会那讲话方式，我开始怀疑那没有几缕头发的白衣男子是否真是医生。 食堂里的人，谁也没有注意我。没有人贼头贼脑地看我，甚至连我加人其中也无人觉察。仿佛我的加人对他们来说是意料中的事。 只有一次--那白衣男子突然回头问我："在这里呆到什么时候啊？" "住两晚，星期四回去。"我回答。 "现在的季节不错吧？不过，等到冬天你再来看看，漫山遍野银白一片，壮观得很咧！"他说。 "直子说不定等不到下雪就出去了。"玲子对男子说。 "啊，可冬天确实不错的哟！"他神情认真地重复道。于是我愈发弄不清他是否真是医生了。 大家都在谈什么呢？"我试着问铃子。她似乎不大明白我问话的用意。 "谈什么？平常事啊。一天中遇到的事，看的书，明天的天气，不外乎这些。大概你总不至于以为会有人突如其来地站起大声宣布今天北极熊吞食星座所以明日有雨吧？" "嗅，当然我不是指这个。"我说，"我看大家说话都那么小声细气的，心里就不由纳闷他们究竟在谈什么。" "因为这里静，所以人们说起话来声音自然就放低下来。"直子把鱼刺整齐地堆在盘子的一端，用手帕擦擦嘴角，"再说也没有必要提高嗓门，既用不着说服谁，又没有引人注目的必要。" "怕也是。"我说。然而在这样的环境中静悄悄进食的时间里，我竟奇异地怀念起人们的嘈杂声来。那笑声、空洞无聊的叫声、哗众取宠的语声，都使我感到亲切。这以前我被那嘈杂声着实折磨得忍无可忍，可是一旦在这奇妙的静寂中吃起鱼来，心里却又总像是缺少踏实感。这食堂的气氛，类似特殊机械工具的展览会场：对某一特定领域怀有强烈兴趣的人集中在特定的场所，交换惟独同行间才懂得的信息。 饭后返回房间，直子和玲子说要去"C区"的公共澡堂，并说如果我只淋浴的话可用这里的盥洗室。我说也好。等她们走后，我便脱衣服淋浴，洗了头。然后一边用吹风机吹头发，一边抽出威尔·埃文斯的唱片放上。过了一会儿，我发现它同直子生日那天我在她房间里放听几次的那张唱片是同一张。就是直子哭泣不止、我抱她睡觉的那个夜晚。事情不过发生在半年前，我却觉得似乎过去了很久很久。或许因为我对此不知反复考虑了多少次的缘故。由于考虑的次数太多了，对时间的感觉便被拉长，而变得异乎寻常。 月光十分皎洁，我便关掉房间的灯，倒在沙发上听威尔·埃文斯的钢琴曲。窗口泻进的明月银辉，把东西的影子拖得长长的，宛如涂了一层淡墨似的隐隐约约印在墙壁上。我从帆布包中取出装有白兰地的薄金属水筒，倒进嘴里一口，缓缓咽下。一种温煦的感觉从喉头往肾慢慢下移，继而又从胃向身体的各个角落扩散开来。我又喝了一口，然后把水筒盖好，放回帆布包。月光似乎随着音乐摇曳不定。 约摸过了20分钟Z直子和玲子从澡堂回来。 "从外面看，房间的灯全都熄了，黑黑的一团，吓了我一跳。"玲子说，"我以为你打点行装回东京去了呢！" "那怎么能。好久没看见过这么亮的月光，就把灯关了。" "不满好的吗，这样。"直子说，"嗳，玲子姐，上次停电时用的蜡烛好像还有？" "大概在厨房抽屉里吧。" 直子去厨房拉开抽屉，拿来一枝粗大的白蜡烛。我点上火，把它立在烟灰缸里。玲子对烛火点燃支烟。四周依旧一片寂然，在这寂然中我们三人围蜡烛一坐，恍若世界的角落里只剩下了我们三个人。悄无声息的月影，飘忽不定的烛光，在洁白的墙壁上重叠交映，影影绰绰。我和直子坐在沙发上，玲子在摇椅上落座。 "怎么样，不喝点葡萄酒？"玲子对我说。 "这里喝酒也不要紧吗？"我不免愕然。 "实际是不允许的。"玲子搔搔耳垂，不好意思地说。"不过一般都是睁只眼闭只眼，只要喝的是葡萄酒啤酒之类，而且又似量的话。我托一个认识的职员买回来一点点。" "我俩常常把盏同欢咧！"直子调皮地说。 "不错嘛。"我说。 玲子从电冰箱里取出白葡萄酒，用开瓶盖的工具打开，拿来三只玻璃杯。葡萄酒香甜爽口，仿佛在内院贮藏了很久。唱片放完时，玲子从床下面掏出吉他，打开后不胜怜爱般地调了调弦，慢慢地弹起巴赫的赋格曲。虽然不少地方指法不甚娴熟，但感情充沛，疾缓有致， 而且充满柔情，充溢着对于演奏本身的喜悦之情。 "吉他是来这里后才开始弹的。房间里不是没有钢琴吗？所以就……纯属自学，加上手指对吉他还不适应，弹得很不成样子。不过我喜欢吉他，又小巧又简单……就好像一间温暖的小屋。" 她又弹了一支巴赫的小品，是组曲中的一段。望着烛光，喝着葡萄酒，谛听着玲子弹的巴赫，不觉心神荡漾。弹罢巴赫，直子提议弹一支甲壳虫乐队的曲子。 "现在是听众点播节目时间。"玲子眯缝起一只眼睛对我说，"直子来到后，我就日复一日地没完没了地弹甲壳虫，活活成了可怜的音乐奴隶。" 她一边这样说着，一边弹起《米歇尔》，弹得非常精彩。 "好曲子！我，无比喜欢！"说完，玲子喝了一口葡萄酒，吸了口烟，"简直就像靠霏细雨轻轻洒过无边无际的茫茫草原。" 接着，她弹了《寂寂无人》，弹了《朱丽娅》。有时边弹边闭目合眼地摇着头，然后又呷口酒吸口烟。 "弹。"直子说。 玲子从厨房拿出一个招手猫形的贮币盒，直子从钱包里找出一枚百元硬币，投了进去。 "怎么回事，这？"我问。 "我点弹时，往这里投一百元钱，这是规矩。"直子说，"因为我最喜欢这支曲，才特意这么做的，表示打心眼里喜欢。" "还能成为我的买烟钱。" 玲子探了好几下手指，开始弹。曲子注满了她的感情，而她又不为感情所驱使。于是我也从衣袋里抽出一枚百元硬币投进贮币盒。 "谢谢。"玲子说着，莞尔一笑。 "一听这曲子，我就时常悲哀得不行。也不知为什么，我总是觉得似乎自己在茂密的森林中迷了路。"直子说，"一个人孤单单的，又冷，里面又黑，又没一个人出来救我。所以，只要我不点，她是不会弹这支曲的。" "瞧你说的像电影《卡萨布兰卡》里似的。"玲子笑着说。 之后，玲子弹了几支勃萨诺巴舞曲。这时间里，我端详直子。如果自己信上写的那样，显得比以前健康，晒黑了不少，由于锻炼和野外作业，体形紧绷绷的。那深送澄澈的眸子和羞涩似的呼懦着的小嘴唇倒是和以前一样，但整个看来，她的娇美已开始带有成熟女性的气质。往日她那娇美中时隐时现的某种锐气--如同使人为之颤栗的刀刃般的锐气--已经远远遁去，转而荡漾着一种给人以亲切抚慰之感的特有的妇静。我为这样的娇美而怦然心动。同时又感到有些惊愕：不过半年时间，一个女人居然会有如此明显的变化。直子这富有新意的娇美确实一如往日或者更甚于往日，使我为之倾心痴迷。尽管如此，一想到她所失去的东西，我还是不无遗憾。那思春期中的少女所特有的，或者不妨称之为我行我素的潇洒，在她身上已经一去不复返了。 直子说想知道我的生活，我便讲了大学里的罢课学潮，讲了永泽的事。向直子提起永泽还是第一次，他那奇妙的人格。独特的思考方式、偏颇的道德观--对这些确切地加以说明是十分艰巨的任务，但直子还是大致理解了我最终想表达的意思。我隐瞒了和他去物色女孩的部分。只是说明我在寄宿院里唯一来往密切的人是这等天马行空式的人物。这时间里，玲子怀抱吉他，再次练习了一遍刚才那首赋格曲。她仍然不时地找间隙喝口酒，吸一下烟。 "倒像个不可思议的人。"直子说。 "是不可思议。"我说。 "可你喜欢他？"。"说不清楚。"我说，"大概．说不上喜欢。他那人，不属于喜欢不喜统的范畴，而且他本人所追求的也不是这个。在这个意义上，我是个非常直率的人、不弄虚作假的人、极其清心寡欲的人。" "同那么大堆女人睡觉还算清心寡欲？你可真有意思。"直子笑道，"你说睡过多少个来着？"。"人十个左右总还是有的吧。"我说，"不过，在他身上，睡的人数越多，每个行为所具有的含义就越模糊淡薄。我想这就是所谓他的追求目标。" "清心寡欲就指这个？"直子问。 "就他而言。" 直子开始思索我的话。良久，开口说："那个人，脑袋要比我不正常得多。" "我也那样想。"我说，"不过，他是把自己身上的不正常因素全部系统化、理论化，头脑好使得很。把他领来这里试试，保准两天就出去。说什么这个也懂，那个也晓得，没一个不明白的。他就是这样的人，而这样的人才会在社会上受到尊敬。" "肯定是我脑袋不好。"直子说，"这里的情况还不大明白呢。就像连对我自己本身都还稀里糊涂一样。" "不是脑袋不好，是普通一般。我对我自己也有好多好多不明白的，普通人嘛！" 直子把两脚放在沙发上，支起膝盖，将下颌搭在上边，说："暖，渡边君，我很想再多知道一些你的事。" "普通人啊。生在普通家庭，长在普通家庭，一张普通的脸，普通的成绩，想普通的事情。"我说。 "呃，你最喜欢的菲茨杰拉德好像说过这样一句话：将自己说成普通人的人，是不可信任的，对吧？那本书，我从你手里借来，看了一遍。"直子调皮似的说道。 "的确，"我承认，"不过我不是有意给自己贴这么一张标签，是从内心里真这么认为的，真认为自己是个普通人。你从我身上发现什么不普通的东西了？" "那还用说广直子惊讶似的说，"你连这点还看不出来？难道你以为我喝醉了和谁都可以睡，所以才和你睡了不成？ " "哪里，我当然没那么想。"我说。 直子盯着自己的脚尖，一阵沉默。我也不知说什么好，只顾喝葡萄酒。 "渡边君，你和多少女的睡过？"直子突然想起似的，低声问道。 "八。九个。"我老实回答。 玲子停止练习，吉他"蹦"一声掉在膝上。"你还不到20吧？到底过的怎么一种生活，你这是？" 直子一言未发，用清澈的眸子盯住我。我向玲子说了我同第一个女孩睡觉后来又分手的过程。我说对那个女孩无论如何也爱不起来。接着又讲了被永泽拉去左一个右一个同女孩乱来的缘由。 "不是我狡辩，我实在痛苦。"我对直子说，"每个星期都同你见面，同你交谈，可你心中有的只是本月。一想到这点我心里就痛苦得不行。所以才和不相识的女孩儿胡来的。" 直子摇了几下头，扬起脸看着我的脸："对了，那时候你不是问我为什么没同木月君睡觉么，还想知道？" "还是知道好吧。哦说。 "我也那样想。"直子说，"死的人就一直死了，可我们以后还要活下去。" I nod.玲子在反复练习一段乐曲的过门。 "同木月君睡觉也未尝不可，"直子说着，取掉发卡，放下头发，手中摆弄着蝶形发卡。"当然他也想和我睡来着，所以我俩不知尝试了多少回。可就是不行，不成功。至于为什么不行，我却一点也弄不清，现在也弄不清。本来我那么爱木月，又没有把处女贞操什么的放在心上。只要他喜欢，我什么都心甘情愿地满足他。可就是不行。" 直子撩起头发，卡上发卡。 "一点也不湿润。"直子放低声音，"打不开，根本打不开。所以痛得很。又干又痛。想了各种各样的办法，我们俩。但无论怎样就是不行。用什么弄湿了也还是痛。就这么着，我一直拿手指和嘴唇来安慰木月……明白么广 我默然点头。 直子眼望窗外的明月。月亮看上去比刚才更大更亮了。 "可能的话，我也不愿说这种事，渡边君。如果可能，我打算把这事永远埋在自己心底。但没有办法啊，不能不说。我自己也束手无策。可是跟你睡的时候，我湿润得很厉害，是吧？" "嗯。"我应道。 "我，20岁生日那天晚上，一见到你就湿来着，一直想让你抱来着，想让你抱，给你脱光，被你抚摸，让你进去。这种欲望我还是第一次出现。为什么？"为什么会出现这种现象？本来，本来我那么真心实意地爱着木月！ " "就是说尽管你并不不爱我？" "原谅我。"直子说，"不是我想伤你的心，但这点希望你理解：我和本月确确实实是特殊关系。我们从3岁开始就在一起玩。我们时常一块儿说这说那，互相知根知底，就这样一同长大的。第一次接吻是小学六年级的时候，真是妙极了。头一回来潮时我去他那里哇哇直哭。总之我俩就是这么一种关系。所以他死了以后，我就不知道到底应该怎样同别人交往了，甚至不知道究竟怎样才算爱上一个人。" 她伸手去拿桌面上的酒杯，但没拿稳，酒杯落到地上，打了几个滚，葡萄酒洒在地毯上。我弯腰拾起酒杯，放回桌上。我问直子是不是想再少喝一点，她沉默了半天，突然身体颤抖起来，开始啜泣。直子把身体弓成一团，双手捂脸，仍像上次那样上气不接下气地急剧抽咽。玲子扔开吉他，走过来轻轻地抚摸直子的背。当把手放在直子肩上的时候，直子像婴孩似的一头扎在玲子胸口。 "喂，渡边君，"玲子对我说，"抱歉，你到外边转20来分钟再回来好么？我想等一会她就会好起来的。" 我点头起身，把毛衣套在衬衫外面。 "对不起。我对玲子说。 "别介意。这不怪你，别往心里去。你转回来，她就会完全镇静下来的。"说着，她朝我闭起一只眼睛。 我踏着梦幻般奇异的月光下的小路，进人杂木林，信步走来走去。月光之下，各种声音发出不可思议的回响。我的足音就像在海底下行走的人的足音那样，从截然相反的方向传来瓮声瓮气的回声。身后时而响起低微而干涩的"咔嚓"声。林中充满着令人窒息的沉问，仿佛夜行动物正在屏息敛气地等待我的离去。 我穿过杂木林，在一座小山包的斜坡上坐下身来，望着直子居住的方向。找出直子的房间是很容易的，只消找到从未开灯的窗口深处隐约闪动的昏暗光亮即可。我静止不动地呆呆凝视着那微小的光亮。那光亮使我联想到犹如风中残烛的灵魂的最后忽闪。我真想用两手把那光严严实实地遮住，守护它。我久久地注视那若明若暗地摇曳不定的灯光，就像盖茨比整夜整夜看守对岸的小光点一样。 30分钟后，我折身回去。走至楼门口，里面传来玲子弹吉他的声响。我蹑手蹑脚地爬上楼梯，敲了下门。走进房间，不见直子，玲子一个人坐在地毯上弹吉他。她指了指卧室的门，仿佛说直子在里边。随后玲子放下吉他，坐在沙发上，叫我坐在旁边，并把瓶里剩的葡萄酒分倒在两个杯里。 "她不要紧的。"玲子轻轻拍着我的膝头说，"独自躺上一会儿就会安静下来，别担心，只是心情有点激动。嗯，我们两人到外面散散步可好？" "Okay." I said. 我和玲子沿着街灯下的路面缓缓移动脚步，走到网球场和篮球场那里时，在长凳坐下。她从长登底下取出橙色的篮球，捧在手中团团转动。稍顷，问我会不会打网球，我说会倒是会，只是非常差劲儿。 "篮球呢？" "也不怎么拿手。" "那么，你拿手的到底是什么呢？"玲子堆起眼角皱纹笑着问，"除了同女孩子睡觉以外？" "那也算不得什么拿手。"我有点不悦。 "别生气，开个玩笑。暖，到底怎样？什么东西拿手？" "没有称得上拿手的啊。喜欢的倒是有。" "喜欢什么？" "徒步旅行、游泳、看书。" 嘻欢一个人做事？ " "嗯--或许。"我说，"以前我就对同别人配合的活动提不起兴致。那类活动，无论哪样我都沉不下心，觉得怎么都无所谓。" "那么冬天来这儿好了。冬天我们搞越野滑雪，你保准会喜欢上的。在大雪里边扑腾扑腾一走一整天，弄得浑身是汗。"玲子说道，然后拉起我的右手，像在街灯下检查乐器似的盯盯细看。 "直子经常那样吧？"我问。 "是啊，不时地，"玲子这回看着我的左手说，"不时出现那样情况，亢奋、哭泣。不过不要紧，这样还好，因为可以把感情宣泄出去。可怕的是感情泄不出去。那一来，就会憋在心里，越憋越多，各种感情憋成一团，在体内闷死，那可就要坏事了。" "我刚才没什么失言吧？" "根本没有。不要紧，就算有什么失言也用不着担心，只管照实直说，那样再好不过。即使那样互相有所伤害，或者像刚才那样一时使对方情绪激动，长远看来也还是那样做最好。如果你诚心诚意地想使直子康复，就那样做好了。你刚来时我就向你说过，不是想帮助那孩子，而是想通过使她恢复而同时恢复自己自身，这就是这里的医疗方式。所以就是说，在这里你必须推心置腹地知无不言、言无不尽。外面的世界，不是什么话都不能全盘推出么？" "是啊。"我说。 "我在这里呆了7年，亲眼看见很多人进来出去。"玲子说，"也许我看得太多了吧，因此我只要看上一眼，凭直觉就能看出这个人是能好还是不能好。但对于直子，我却完全摸不着头脑。那孩子到底将怎么样呢，我实在把握不住。也许下个月就能出院，也许年复一年地在这里长住下去。因此在她身上我对你提不出什么建议。提也只能是极为泛泛的，例如要诚实啦要互相帮助啦，等等。" "为什么偏偏对直子看不出来呢？" "大概是因为我喜欢那孩子的缘故吧，以至不能一下子看透，感情因素掺杂太多啦。我说，我喜欢那孩子，真的。另外与此不同的是，她身上有很多问题交织在一起，挺复杂的，就像一团找不着头绪的乱麻，关键是要一根一根地清理出来。而清理，一来可能花很多时间，二来说不定因某种偶然原