Chapter 3 Chapter 2 The Death of a Friend

A long time ago, about twenty years ago, I lived in a student dormitory.I was eighteen years old and had just started college.My parents were worried that I would be unfamiliar with the place of life in Tokyo and it would be the first time I was away from home, so they helped me find this dormitory.Not only does three meals are served here, but it is also well-equipped. Both elders feel that even a fledgling boy who is only eighteen years old should be able to adapt.Of course, money is also a factor.The cost of living in a dormitory is much cheaper than living alone, because you only need to prepare quilts and lamps, and you don’t need to buy anything else.If possible, I naturally hope to rent an apartment by myself and live comfortably. However, when I think of the admission fees, tuition fees, and living expenses of private universities, I am embarrassed to speak up.What's more, it's just a matter of finding a place to live, and it doesn't need to be too particular.

This dormitory is located on a high platform with a good view in Tokyo.It occupies a large area and is surrounded by high stone walls.As soon as you enter the gate, you will see a tall beech tree standing there, at least one hundred and fifty years old.Standing under the tree and looking up, the sky is covered with green leaves seamlessly. The cement walkway was made around the giant tree before being made in a straight line across the yard.On both sides of the yard are two three-story concrete buildings, side by side.This large building Walk straight ahead from the concrete road, and you will see a two-story building in front of you, which is exactly the city.The first floor is a restaurant and a large public bath, and the second floor has an auditorium, several meeting rooms, and even a VIP room, but I don’t know what it is used for.Next to the headquarters is the third dormitory, which is also a three-story building.The yard is huge, with a waterwheel turning around on the green lawn, and the sun is shining on the car.Behind the headquarters, there is a baseball and football field and six tennis courts.The equipment is indeed as good as it gets.

There is only one basic doubt in the entire student dormitory.Its operator is a consortium centered on a certain extreme rightist, and its business policy is naturally distorted from my personal subjective opinion, which is quite strange.You only need to look through the dormitory handbook and dormitory regulations to get a general idea. "The basic policy of education is to cultivate useful talents for the country", this is the original intention of the dormitory.Many people in the financial world donate their personal property ostensibly out of approval, but their actual intentions are ambiguous, just like other groups in this society.No one knows their true purpose.Some people say it's just a tax avoidance strategy, some say it's an act of name-grabbing, and some even say that they are building a dormitory under the pretext of just trying to get this first-class land in a similar fraudulent way.Others say that they are all wrong, and the real intention is much more complicated.He said that the operator intends to use boarding students as a team to form an underground faction in the political and economic circles.However, in fact, there is indeed a privileged group in the dormitory, which specializes in recruiting the best among the dormitory students as members.Although I don't know the details, I know that they hold research meetings several times a month, and the operators also participate in them.I heard that as long as you join as a member, you will not worry about not having a job in the future.There are many opinions, and I really can't judge which is right and which is wrong, but these statements have one thing in common, that is, "Anyway, this ghost place is a bit strange."

Nevertheless, I spent the two years from the spring of 1968 to the spring of 1970 in this "somewhat strange" dormitory.If someone asked me why I was able to spend two full years in such a "strange" place, I would not be able to answer.If I just live a simple daily life, it doesn't make any difference to me whether he is a rightist or a leftist, a hypocrite or a hypocrite. Every morning, the solemn flag-raising ceremony kicks off the prelude to the whole day's dormitory life.Of course the national anthem is also played. Just as the march is inseparable from sports coverage, the national anthem is also inseparable from the flag-raising ceremony.The flag-raising platform is placed in the very center of the courtyard, and it can be seen from the windows of the dormitory in that building.

The host of the flag-raising ceremony was the warden of the East Dormitory (the dormitory where I live).He is tall and tall, with sharp eyes, and he is about sixty years old.His angry hair was mixed with some white hair, and there was a long scar on his tanned neck.I heard that he was from the Nakano School of the Army, but I don't know if it is true or not.Beside him was a student who seemed to be helping to raise the flag. No one knew the origin of this student.He has a crew cut, always wears a student uniform, and he doesn't know what his last name is or which room he lives in.I never met him in the cafeteria or in the bathhouse, and I don't know if he was really a student.But because he always wears a student uniform, he must be a student.Otherwise, I really can't guess who it is.Unlike Mr. "Nakano School", he is short and fat, with a fair complexion.It is such a pair of treasures that raise the flag in the yard of the dormitory at six o'clock every morning.

When I first moved into the dormitory, out of curiosity, I often woke up at six o'clock to observe this patriotic ceremony.At six o'clock in the morning, almost exactly the same as the time reported by the radio, the pair of treasures appeared in the yard. Needless to say, the "student uniforms" were naturally wearing student uniforms and black leather shoes; while the "Nakano School" was in sports Dress up, plus a pair of white cloth shoes. "Student Uniform" carried a thin paulownia box, while "Nakano School" carried a Sony portable tape recorder. After "Nakano School" placed the recorder next to the flag raising stand, "Student Uniform" opened the wooden box.Inside the box was a square-folded national flag.At this time, the "student uniform" respectfully handed the national flag to "Nakano School" so that he could thread the flag, and then the "student uniform" pressed the power switch of the recorder.

The national flag of "My Emperor Governs the World" (translation: the name of the Japanese national anthem) climbed the flagpole and rose slowly. When "Xiaoshi's..." was sung, the national flag was raised to the center of the flagpole, and when "For the time being..." was sung, the flag had already risen to the top.The two straightened their backs (attention), looking up at the national flag intently.If the sky is clear and the wind is blowing at this time, it is really a moving scene. The flag-lowering ceremony in the evening is roughly the same as the flag-raising ceremony.It's just that the order is just the opposite of that in the morning.In the evening, the national flag is lowered slowly and put into wooden boxes.No national flag is flown at night.

Why isn't the national flag flying at night?I have no idea.At this time of night, does the country still exist, and don’t many people work?Such as the driver of the train, the taxi, the barmaid, the fire brigade on the night shift, the night guard of the building, etc.And these people don't get the asylum of the state, which I always feel is very unfair.But maybe it's not that serious!Maybe no one will pay attention to these things?Only people like me will pay attention!Besides, I just thought of it on a whim, and I didn't plan to delve into it further. The dormitory is allocated rooms. In principle, two students in the first and second grades share a room, and students in the third and fourth grades share one room.The room for two people is about six tatami mats in size and rectangular in shape. There is an aluminum door and window on the wall at the end of the room. In front of the window are two sets of desks and chairs that can be read with their backs.There is also a double-layer iron bed on the left hand side of the door.The furniture looked very simple and solid.Besides the desk and bed, there were two other cabinets, a small coffee table, and a fixed shelf.No matter how you think about the bright side, you can never say that this is a poetic environment.Most of the shelves in the room are equipped with transistor radios, hair dryers, hot water bottles, electric heaters, instant coffee, tea bags, sugar cubes, pots for making instant noodles, simple tableware and so on.On the cement walls were pasted some nude photos from "Ordinary Strike," or posters of some small movies I'd ripped out of nowhere.Photos of two pigs mating were also jokingly posted, but this is considered rare.Most of them post photos of naked women or young female singers and actresses.On the bookshelf on the table are some textbooks, dictionaries, novels, etc.

Since the residents are all boys, most of the rooms are filthy.Some moldy orange peels were stuck to the bottom of the garbage cans, and the empty cans used as ashtrays had accumulated a full seventeen centimeters of soot. As soon as the smoke started to rise, immediately pour some coffee or beer to put out the fire. So there is always a bad smell in the room.Every kind of tableware is dirty, and there are some inexplicable things sticking everywhere, and there are some instant noodle bags, empty beer bottles, lids and so on on the floor.But no one would think of taking a broom to sweep the waste into the bucket, and then take it to the trash can.Therefore, as long as the wind blows, the dust on the floor will fly up, making the room gray.Moreover, every room has an unbearable strange smell.Although the taste is slightly different depending on the room, the "molecules" that make up the taste are almost exactly the same.Nothing but sweat, body odor, and garbage.Because everyone piled all the dirty clothes under the bed, and because no one regularly dried the quilts, the quilts absorbed a lot of sweat, and the smell was terrible.To this day, I still find it inconceivable that there was no fatal infectious disease in this chaos.

But compared to them, my room was as clean as a morgue.The floor is spotless, the glass windows are shiny, the quilts are dried once a week, the pencils are neatly put into the pencil case, and even the windows are washed once a month.My roommate is almost pathologically obsessed with cleanliness.I said to the others: "This guy even took the windows down to wash." No one believed me.No one knows that windows must be cleaned frequently.Everyone believes that once a window is hung up, it will be hung for most of its life. "Is he crazy?" they said.So, from then on, everyone called him "Nazi" or "Commando".

Our room doesn't have revealing photos, it has photos of Amsterdam's canals.I posted a picture of a naked woman, but he said, "Hey! Watanabe, I... I don't like this thing..." and ripped it out and replaced it with a picture of the canal.It's not like I have to post nudes.So I didn't say anything.However, the people who came to my room looked at the picture of the canal and said, "What is this?" I replied, "'Commando' is staring and masturbating at the same time!" I was just joking. Just talking casually, I didn't expect everyone to believe it readily.Because everyone is so straightforward, even I can't help but believe that this is true! Also, while everyone was sympathetic to me living with Commando, I didn't really dislike him.As long as I keep myself clean, he doesn't interfere with me much, and I'm happy to be at ease.He is the one who sweeps the floor, he is the one who dries the quilts, and he is the one who takes out the trash.If I don't take a shower for three days when I get busy, he will advise me to take a shower when the smell comes out; or advise me to go for a haircut or shave my nose hair.What was more nerve-wracking was that as soon as a bug appeared, he took the insecticide and sprayed it around the room.At this point, I had no choice but to hide in the chaos in the next room. "Commando" studied geography at a state university. "I'm memorizing... a map." He said to me when we first met. "Do you like maps?" I asked. "Hmm! After graduating from university, I want to enter the National Institute of Geosciences to make geo... maps." I deeply understand that people in this world really have different hopes.different life goals. This is one of the first things I felt after I came to Tokyo.In today's society, there are so few people who are interested and passionate about making maps, even though they don't really need many, which is really nerve-wracking. But a person who stutters as soon as he utters the word "map" would want to enter the National Institute of Geosciences, which is a bit weird. "Commando" is not necessarily a person who stutters as soon as he speaks, but as soon as the word "map" is mentioned, he stutters 100% immediately. "You... what are you reading?" he asked. "Drama." I replied. "Drama? Do you mean acting?" "No! No. Plays, plays. Like Rachel, Eyon Nesley, Shakespeare." He said he had only heard of Shakespeare.In fact, even I myself have almost never heard of it.I just wrote it while taking notes. "That's all you like?" he asked. "It's not like I like it very much." I said. This answer puzzled him a little.As soon as I got confused, my stuttering became more serious, making me feel as if I should not be. "I like everything," I explained, "Ethnology, Oriental history, I like them all. It's just that sometimes I like drama more, that's all." Of course, this explanation couldn't convince him. "I still don't understand," he really had a puzzled expression. "I...I like earth...maps, that's why I read earth...geography, that's why I made a special trip to Tokyo to go to university, and asked my family to send me money. But you have a different motive..." In fact, his motives are correct.But I'm too lazy to explain.After that, we folded the match stick into two sections to determine the up and down.As a result, he fell asleep and I fell asleep. On weekdays, he always wears a white shirt, black trousers, and a blue sweater.Small crew cut, tall, high cheekbones.Wear student uniforms when attending school.Shoes and schoolbags are all black, but it looks like a right-wing student attire.So, he is 100% not interested in politics, even though everyone nicknamed him "Commando".The reason why he always wears the same set of clothes is also because he is too lazy to choose clothes to wear.All he cares about is the news about changes in the coastline, the completion of a new railway tunnel, and so on.As long as this topic is brought up, he will stutter and babble for an hour or two until you want to run away or doze off. And every morning "My Emperor rules the world" is his alarm clock, as long as he hears it, he will get up.From this point of view, the majestic and grandiose flag-raising ceremony is not completely worthless.after getting up.He put on his clothes and went to the bathroom to brush his teeth and wash his face.When I started brushing my teeth and washing my face, Fei always refused to come out for most of the day.One can't help but wonder if he will pull out the teeth one by one for cleaning.After finally returning to the room, "Help! Help!" Smoothed the wrinkles of the towel a few times, spread it on the radiator to dry, then put the toothbrush and soap back on the shelf, and then turned on the radio to start Do radio gymnastics. Since I am used to staying up late to study, I always sleep until about eight o'clock in the morning.Often, he has already woken up and started busy work, or started doing gymnastics, while I was still dreaming.However, if it happened to be the jumping section of gymnastics at this time, I would definitely wake up.You must wake up.Because every time he jumps, which is really high, it shakes and rattles my bed.I endured it for three days.Because I have been advised that a certain degree of patience is necessary in corporate life.But by the morning of the fourth day, I couldn't take it anymore. "I'm sorry! Can you go up on the roof and do radio gymnastics?" I said firmly. "What you do here will wake me up." "But it's already half past six!" He had an unbelievable expression. "I know it's 6:30! But 6:30 is still bedtime for me. No reason, that's how it is!" "No way! If you go to the roof to do it, the people on the third floor will talk. This room is under the warehouse, and no one will talk." "Then you go out to the yard and do it! Do it on the lawn!" "That won't work! I...my radio is not a transistor, it won't work without a power supply, and I can't do gymnastics without music!" His radio is indeed an antique type, and mine is solid state, but only accepts FM music, which is great. "Give in a little bit to each other!" I said. "You still do your gymnastics, but skip the jumping! It's so noisy! Is that okay?" "Huh! Jump?" He seemed taken aback, and asked again: "What jump?" "Jumping is just jumping! It's like bump jumping!" "No!" My head started to hurt.I didn't want to worry about it any more, but I felt that I couldn't figure out what I said, so I really hummed the first melody of the NHK radio gymnastics program, and then jumped on the floor "Bump! Bump!" stand up. "Look, this is it! Is there any?" "Oh! That's right! Yes! I forgot... forgot." "So say it!" I said, sitting back on the bed. "Just save this one? I can live with the rest. Save this one and let me sleep, okay?" "No!" he said briskly. "I can't save this one anyway. I've done it every day for ten years, and as soon as I start it, I end it unconsciously. If I skip a section, I can't do it at all." What can i say?What else can I say?The easiest thing to do would be to throw that damned radio out the window while he was away, but if it did, it would surely spark a revolution.Because "Commando" is a person who loves his "property" very much.I was speechless for a while, and sat on the edge of the bed blankly. At this time, he smiled and comforted me. "Wat...Watanabe, why don't we get up and do gymnastics together?" After finishing speaking, he went to eat his breakfast. I told Naoko about "Commando" and his radio gymnastics, and Naoko couldn't stop giggling.I didn't intend to tell it as a joke, but I ended up laughing too.It's been a long time since she smiled even if it was fleeting. Naoko and I got off the tram at Yotsuya, and walked along the embankment next to the railway to Ichigaya.It's a Sunday afternoon in mid-May.A morning downpour had died down before noon, and the low-hanging black clouds were blown away by the wind from the south.The bright green cherry trees swayed in the wind, and the sun shone brightly above them.That sunshine is the sunshine of early summer.People passing by have already taken off their sweaters and coats, and put them on their shoulders or hugged them in their arms.In the warm sun of Sunday afternoon, everyone seemed to be in a state of bliss.There was a tennis court on the opposite side of the causeway, and a young man with his shirt off and only shorts was swinging a racket.The two nuns were neatly dressed in black winter uniforms, which made people feel that the summer sun seemed helpless to them.However, the two still had a satisfied expression, chatting while basking in the sun. After walking for fifteen minutes, my back was sweating, so I took off my thick cotton shirt, leaving only a T-shirt.She rolled the sleeves of her light gray tracksuit up her upper arm.The tracksuit looked like it had been in the water so many times, the colors faded nicely.I remember seeing her wear it a long time ago, but I can't remember clearly.I just feel as if I have seen it.At the time, I wasn't that impressed with Naoko. "Is the group life good? Is it nice to live with other people?" Naoko asked. "I don't know. It's been less than a month!" I said. "It's not bad, though! At least there's nothing too much for you yet." She stood still at the drinking water place, took a small sip of water, and took out a white handkerchief from her trouser pocket to wipe her mouth.Then he bent down and carefully tied the shoelaces. "Hey! Do you think I can live that kind of life?" "Do you mean group life?" "Yeah!" said Naoko. "Well... that depends on one's own opinion. It's annoying to say that it's annoying. There are too many rules, and there are some arrogant and half-dead stupid guys, and some people get up at 6:30 in the morning to do gymnastics. However, It doesn't bother you so much when you think there's people like that everywhere. You know you've got to live there anyway, and you can. That's what it is." "That's right." She nodded, lost in thought for a while, and then stared deeply into my eyes as if she wanted to spy on something.Upon closer inspection, her eyes were surprisingly clear and deep.I have never noticed that she has such clear eyes.Speaking of which, I never had the chance to stare at her.This was the first time the two of them walked together, and the first time they talked so much. "Are you going to move into a student dormitory?" I asked. "No! It's not," said Naoko. "I was just thinking about what group life is all about. Then..." Naoko bit her lip, trying to figure out how to phrase it, but it didn't seem to go well.She sighed, then lowered her eyes. "Oh! I don't know! Forget it!" That's all for the talk.Naoko continued walking east again, and I followed closely behind her. Before this, Naoko and I had not seen each other for a year.In the past year, Naoko has lost a lot of weight.The round cheeks that had once been her features have become sunken and her neck has become thinner, but despite this, it does not give the impression of skinny or unhealthy.Her thinness looked perfectly natural and composed.It was as if he had quietly disappeared into a small space, and his body had slimmed down so naturally.Also, Naoko was much prettier than I remembered. That's all I've been wanting to tell her, but I really don't know how to word it, so I don't say anything. We came here for no purpose.I met her by chance on a tram on the Chuo Line.She was planning to go to a movie alone, and I was on my way to Kanda Bookstore Street.Since neither of us had anything serious to do, Naoko invited me to get off the train together, and we got off the tram.I didn't know it was Yotsuya Station until I got off the bus, that's all.But in fact, there is nothing special that two people must discuss together.Why Naoko asked me to get out of the car together, I have no idea.From the moment we met, the two of us had nothing to say. When she walked out of the station, she didn't say where she was going, she just rowed quickly for nothing.I had no choice but to follow behind her.There was a distance of about one meter between the two.Of course, it's not impossible to walk beside her, but somehow I'm a little cringe-worthy, so I can't keep walking beside her.One meter behind her, I walked while staring at her back and her long black hair.There is a brown hairpin in her hair, and a small white ear beside her.Naoko would often turn around and talk to me. I could answer some of the words, but I didn't know what to answer, and I couldn't understand some of the words.But she didn't seem to care whether I could hear or not.After she turned around and said what she wanted to say, she continued to walk forward.well!never mind!Anyway, the weather is fine for a walk, so I think I'll let her go! However, the more Naoko walked, the less it seemed like a walk.She turned right at Iidabashi, exited the canal, then crossed the Jimbocho intersection, climbed up the Ochanomizu ramp, reached Hongo, and finally walked along the Tokyo Metropolitan Railway to Komajin.This section of the road is not short.When we arrived at Juxun, it was just sunset.It was a clear spring evening. "Where is this?" Naoko asked as if waking up from a big dream. "Ju Xun." I said. "Don't you know? We've come full circle!" "Why did you come here?" "Then I have to ask you! I just followed." We went into a noodle shop near the station and ordered something to eat.With a parched mouth, I drank some beer. We didn't say a word from ordering to finishing the noodles.I was exhausted from walking, but she put her hands on the table, as if she was deep in thought again.The news report on TV said that because it is a Sunday holiday, the scenic area is full of people.And we walked from Yotsuya to Juxun. "You are in good health!" I said after eating the noodles. "You startled?" "Ok!" "When I was in junior high school, I used to be a marathon runner. I ran 10 kilometers and 15 kilometers. And because my father also likes to climb mountains, I used to climb on Sundays when I was young. You know, there is a mountain behind my house! Naturally Good feet." "But I really can't see it!" I said. "Yes! Everyone thinks I'm so weak! But how can people be judged by their appearance?" After finishing speaking, she smiled incidentally. "On the contrary, I was rude, and I was too tired!" "I'm so sorry! I stuck with you all day." "But I'd love to talk to you! We've never had a chance to talk just the two of us!" I said.In fact, I don't even remember what we talked about today. She began to fiddle with the ashtray on the table unconsciously. "Can we meet again if it doesn't bother you too much? Of course, I know I have no reason to ask." "Reason?" I asked in surprise. "What do you mean no reason?" She blushed suddenly.Maybe I was too surprised. "I can't tell!" Naoko was eager to defend.She rolled the sleeves of her blazer over her arms, then rolled them down again.The light dyed the hair on her arms into a golden yellow, which was really beautiful. "I didn't mean to say 'reason'. That's not what I meant." Naoko leaned on the table with one hand and stared at the calendar on the wall for a while.As if expecting to find the appropriate words to explain it.But of course she didn't find it.Sighing, she closed her eyes and turned to fiddle with the hairpins again. "It's okay!" I said. "I think I understand what you mean. I don't know how to say it, though!" "I just can't tell," Naoko said. "Recently, I've been like this all the time! Whenever I want to express something, some wrong words pop up in my mind. Either the bull's head is wrong, or it's just the opposite. Then, the more I want to correct it , the more chaotic the mind became, the more the bull's head was wrong with the horse's mouth. In this way, I forgot my original intention. It seemed that my body split into two, chasing each other! There was an extremely thick pillar in the middle , just circle around and chase after it. The most appropriate words are always held in the arms of the second me, and the first one will never be able to catch up." Naoko raised her head and looked into my eyes. "Do you understand?" "I think everyone feels that way!" I said. "Everyone wants to express themselves, and when they can't express themselves properly, they start to rush." From what I said, Naoko seemed a little disappointed. "It's different from that!" said Naoko.But no further explanation was given. "Of course we can meet again!" I said. "Anyway, if you are idle on Sunday, you are also idle. Walking is also good for your health!" After that, we took the Yamanote Line, and Naoko changed to the Chuo Line in Shinjuku.She rented a small apartment in Kokubunji. "Do you think the way I speak is different from before?" Naoko asked when we parted. "It's a little different," I said. "I don't know how it's different, though. To be honest, we used to be together a lot, but we didn't seem to talk much." "Yeah!" She agreed. "Can I call you next Saturday?" "Okay! Of course. I'll wait for you!" I said. I met Naoko in the spring of my sophomore year in high school.She was also in the second grade that year, and she was studying in an aristocratic church school.How "noble" is this school?If you study too hard, people will gossip about you and say you are "not noble".I have a good friend named Kizuki (not so much a good relationship, but rather the only friend, as the name suggests), and Naoko is his girlfriend.Kizuki and her are childhood sweethearts since they were born, and the distance between the two families is less than two hundred meters. Just like normal childhood sweethearts, their relationship is quite open, but they will not be tired of being together all day long.The two often visit each other's homes, have dinner or play mahjong with each other's family.I also often act as a light bulb.Naoko will bring her classmates, and the four of them will go to the zoo to play, or go swimming, watch movies, etc.But, to be honest, the girls Naoko brings are cute and cute, and the level is clearly above mine.I always feel that the girls in public high schools are more suitable for me, and they are more comfortable talking, although they are a bit vulgar.I had no idea what was going on in the lovely head of the girl Naoko brought.I think maybe they can't understand me either! So Kizuki no longer wants me to go on a "foursome date", and from now on it's just me, Kizuki, and Naoko hanging out or chatting with each other.It sounds a bit deformed, but it turned out to be the most pleasant and perfect arrangement.As soon as a fourth person joined, the atmosphere immediately became tense.When the three of us dated, it was really like a talk show on TV. I was the guest, Kizuki was the smart host, and Naoko was the assistant.Kizuki always plays the central role, which is a breeze for him.Kizuki does have a habit of sneering, which is often mistaken for arrogance by others, but he is actually a kind and fair person.When we were together, he was always careful, trying to treat Naoko and me as equals, talking and joking so that neither of us felt left out.If either party remained silent all the time, he would turn to him and talk about the other party.Some people may think that this is too tiring, but in fact it is not a big deal.Because Kizuki has the ability to be aware of changes in the atmosphere at any time and deal with them skillfully.At the same time, there is a rare ability to manage to find several interesting topics from the extremely boring conversation of the other party.Therefore, when chatting with him, you will feel that you are very funny and your life is very interesting without knowing it. He was by no means a social figure, though.At school, he only knew me well.I really don't understand why a person with such a good brain and eloquence doesn't use his ability to the vast world outside, but is content with our small three-person world.I also don't understand why he chose me as his friend.Because no matter how you say it, I am ordinary and inconspicuous, and I only like to read books and listen to music by myself.Kizuki does not have the talent to drive away the silence and please others at any time.But even so, we hit it off and became instant friends.His father was a dentist, known for his good medical skills and high fees. "This Sunday, do you want to go on a date with us? My girlfriend is in a girls' school, and she will bring cute girls!" Kizuki said to me as soon as we met.I also immediately agreed.That's how I got to know Naoko. Me, Kizuki, and Naoko, our three-person dates became frequent.But Naoko and I froze as soon as Kizuki left his seat.Neither of them knew what to say.In fact, Naoko and I had no common topics of conversation.We had no choice but to drink water in silence, or start fiddling with things on the table, and wait quietly for Muzu to come back.As soon as Kizuki came back, the chat continued. Naoko didn't like to talk, and I was a person who preferred to be an audience, so I always felt a little uncomfortable when the two of us were alone.It's not that they can't get along or anything, they just have nothing to say. I met Naoko once, two weeks after Kizuki's funeral.We agreed to meet at a coffee shop to talk about something, and when we were done we didn't know what to say.I tried to find a few topics to chat with her, but I couldn't continue halfway through the conversation.And Naoko is always defensive when she speaks.I always feel that she seems to be a little disrespectful to me, but I don't know why.After that, I broke up with her, and we didn't meet again for a year until we met again on the Chuo Line train. I wondered if the reason why Naoko was disrespectful to me was because I was the last person to meet and talk to Kizuki instead of her?It may not be appropriate to say this, but I seem to understand her mood.If possible, I'd rather it be her than me, but it's futile to think about it now. On a sunny afternoon in May, just after lunch, Kizuki invited me to skip the afternoon class and play pool together.I wasn't interested in the afternoon class either, so the two of them walked out of the school gate, wobbling downhill towards the port, and then walked into a billiards club to play four rounds.I won the first round quite easily, but Kizuki suddenly became serious and won the other three rounds.According to the prior agreement, I paid the money.The strange thing is that he didn't say a single joke when he was playing.When we were done, we each smoked a cigarette. "Why are you so serious today?" I asked. "I don't want to lose today!" Kizuki smiled contentedly. That night, Kizuki died in the garage of his home. He connected the rubber pipe to the exhaust pipe of the N360, sealed the window with rubber tape, and then started the engine.I don't know how long it took him to die. In short, it wasn't until his parents returned home after visiting a relative's illness, and opened the garage door to drive the car, that they found out that he had already passed away.The car's radio was still on, and a gas station receipt was clipped to the windshield wipers. There is no suicide note, and no motive can be conceived.Since I was the last person to see him, the police transferred me for questioning.I told the police officer who was interrogating that I couldn't see anything unusual about him at all, he was no different from usual. Neither Kizuki nor I seemed to have a good impression of the police officer.He probably thought it was not surprising that high school students who skipped class to play pool would commit suicide!As a result, only a small square was published in the newspaper, and the matter was hastily ended.The red N360 was also disposed of.And Kizuki put white flowers on the seats in the classroom for a long time. 从木漉死后，到高中毕业为止的这十个月之间，我发现我很难在周遭的世界中找到自己的定位。我是有个女朋友，也和她上过床，但也维持不了半年。我从来都不曾对她动过情。后来，我选了一所比较容易进去的东京私立大学考，之后就浑浑噩噩地进去念了。临行前，那女孩一直要我打消主意，但我当时只一心想离开神户。到另一块陌生的土地上开始我的新生活。 "我已经和你有过关系了，所以你就不理我了是不是？"她哭道。 "没的事。"我说。我只是想离开这个地方而已，但她却不能谅解。于是我们便分手了。在开往东京的新干线上，想起了她的种种好处，觉得自己实在过份，不禁有些后悔，但眼看着木已成舟，我只好下定决心忘了她。 到了东京，住进宿舍，开始我的新生活时，我知道只有一件事是自己该做的。 亦即凡事都不能想得太深，凡事和自己之间都必须保持适当的距离。我决定将过去的一切忘得一干二净，忘了那铺着绿毡的撞球台，红色的N360、座位上的白花，还有从火葬场那高耸的烟囱冒出来的烟、警察局的审问室里那个厚重的文镇，这一切的一切都要忘掉。刚开始的时候进行得还算顺利，但不论如何努力想忘掉，我心中总是还残存着一种朦胧而彷佛空气一般的凝块。随着时光的流逝，那凝块渐渐地形成了一种单纯、清楚的形状。我现在可以用一句话来替代这个形状了，也就是底下这句话。 死不是生的对立，而是它的一部分。 将它替换成文字就显得俗气多了，但对于当时的我而言，我所感受到的并不是文字，而是一种空气的凝块。死，它存在于文镇里面，存在于撞球台上面四个并排的红、白色球里。我们一边慢慢地将它吸进肺里，像是吸细小的灰尘一般，一边过活。 在那之前，我将死看成是一种和生完全迥异的东西。死，就是"总有一天，死会紧紧的箍住我们。但是反过来说，在死箍住我们之前，我们是不会被死箍住的"。我一直觉得这是最合乎逻辑的思考方式。生在这头，死在那头。而我是在这头，不是那头。 然而自从木漉自杀的那个晚上开始，我无法再把死（还有生）看得那么单纯了。死已不再是生的对立。死早已存在于我的体内，任你一再努力，你还是无法忘掉的。因为在五月的那个夜里箍住木漉的死，也同时箍住了我。 我就这样一面感受那空气的凝块，一面度过我十八岁那年的春天。但同时，我也努力不让自己变得深刻。我渐渐能意会到，深刻并不等于接近事实。不过，左思右想，死仍旧是一种深刻的事实。我便在这几乎令人窒息的矛盾中，来回地兜着圈子。如今回想起来，那真是一段奇妙的日子。在生的正中央，一切事物都以死为中心，不停地旋转着。