Chapter 10 Chapter 7 Women Are Like Waves

A woman is like a wave. When she is in love, her self-esteem rises and falls like a wave. When she feels good, she reaches the crest and when she is low, she sinks. When a woman's wave rises, she feels that she can give abundant love, but when the wave falls, her heart is empty and needs love to fill, and the bottom point is also her emotional cleaning moment. If when the wave rises, she represses negative feelings or hides herself in order to show more love, then when the wave falls, she begins to experience those negative feelings and unmet needs that were suppressed. During her fall, she had a special need to talk to someone about her problems, to be heard and understood.

My wife, Bonnie, described this "falling" experience as falling into a dark well.When a woman falls into her "well," she realizes that she is sinking into the unknown out of herself, into darkness and diffused feeling.She may experience a host of unexplained emotions and vague feelings, and she may feel helpless, alone, and unsupported.But when she's at a low point, if she feels love and support, she'll get better right away, and she'll automatically go up and radiate love again in the relationship. A woman's self-esteem rises and falls like a wave, and when it hits a low point, it's time for an emotional cleanse

A woman's ability to give and receive love in a relationship is a reflection of how she feels about herself, and she must never accept or appreciate a partner when she is unhappy with herself.During periods of slump, she has a tendency to become overwhelmed or emotional.When the wave hits a low point, she becomes more vulnerable and needs love, and this is a good time for your partner to understand her needs. How Men Respond to Waves When a man falls in love with a woman, she begins to shine with love. Most men naively expect her light to last forever, but expecting her eternal love is like expecting the weather to never change and the sun to shine forever.Life is a rhythm - day and night, heat and cold, summer and winter, spring and autumn, dark clouds and sunshine.Similarly, the relationship between men and women also has its own rhythm and cycle, which is manifested in the ability to love. Men withdraw and get closer, while women rise and fall.

When the relationship between a man and a woman is manifested in the ability to love, the man is withdrawn and close, while the woman is Rising and falling. A man thinks that a woman's sudden change of mood is entirely caused by his behavior. When she is happy, he thinks it is his own credit; when she is unhappy, he also feels that he should be responsible for it. Be good and fall into great frustration.One minute she was happy, which he believed was because he was doing a good job, but the next minute she was unhappy, which infuriated and shocked him, because he had always thought he was behaving properly, and it never occurred to him that she would suddenly not be happy. Happy.

Bill and Mary have been married for six years.Bill had been trying to thwart Mary's wave form, and he tried to "Solved", but got worse.He thought there must be something wrong with her emotional ups and downs, and he tried to ask She explained that she didn't need to be sad, it just added to Mary's confusion and frustration. He thinks he's "solving her troubles," but in reality he's doing the opposite.when she enters When he was in the well, it was time for him to learn to support her unconditionally instead of solving her problems at this time. Bill said: "I don't know my wife Mary. She'll be the best woman for weeks on end.

person, who loves me and everyone unconditionally, but is suddenly overwhelmed by what she has done, and Start denying me.Her unhappiness is not my fault, yet explaining it to her only makes us quarrel. more fierce. " Bill, like many men, made the mistake of trying to stop his partner from "falling" or "bottoming out." He wanted to pull her to save her. He hadn't learned that when a woman falls, she must fall to the bottom to rise. The first sign of Mary's downfall was feeling overwhelmed, but instead of listening to her empathetically, Bill tried to pull her back by explaining why she shouldn't be upset.

Stop Trying to "Fix" a Woman's Lows The last thing a woman wants when she's down is not to be told why she shouldn't be down.She needs someone to be with her at this time, to share her feelings, to empathize with her experience.Even if a man can't fully understand why a woman is at a loss, he can give her love and more attention and support. Gradually, although Bill knew that women had their ups and downs like waves, he still felt confused.He practiced listening when he felt his wife was stuck in a well, and when she talked about something that was bothering her, he offered no "solution" advice, and after twenty minutes of listening he began to feel bad because his wife's situation was not It didn't get better.

He told me: "I listened attentively, and she seemed to be open and shared more, but she seemed to be getting sad again, as if the more I listened to her, the more uncomfortable I told her that she shouldn't be more sad, but it caused a big debate .” Although Bill took the time to listen to Mary, he still tried to think about her problems. He expected her to get better immediately. He didn't know that when a woman was in the well, she just felt supported. Her mood may have gotten worse at the time, but that was a sign that she had been helped, and his support might have helped her fall to the bottom faster and then turn around faster.She has to sink to the bottom before she can come up, this is the cycle.

Bill was puzzled that when he listened, she didn't benefit from his support, but made it worse.In order to prevent this confusion from happening, a man must remember that sometimes he succeeds in supporting her, but she may act more sadly. If he can understand that a woman must sink to the bottom before rising, a man can let go of his expectations and not have to. Why didn't she get better immediately. Even when a man is successful in supporting a woman, she may act more distressed. With this new insight, Bill became more understanding and patient with Mary.After learning that Ruhe supports Mary when she falls into the well, he also understands that he can't predict how long she will be sad-sometimes her well will be very deep.

Repeated Ups and Downs and Controversies When a woman comes out of the well, she is a lovely person again. Men often don't understand this positive change. They will think that what is bothering her has been completely solved or healed, but this is not true. It is just an illusion. Because she was suddenly more positive and loving, she mistakenly thought her problems were solved. When her wave descended again and the same problem rose again, he became impatient because he thought the problem had been solved long ago.So without knowing the "Wave Principle," it's hard to pinpoint how she's feeling when she's in the well.When a woman's unresolved feelings resurface, he may respond inappropriately:

1. How many times have we done this? 2. I have already heard it. 3. I think we've settled that one. 4. When will you stop talking? 5. I won't talk about it any more. 6. Incredible!We're arguing about the same thing again. 7. Why do you have so many questions? As soon as a woman falls into the well, deep-seated problems come to the surface. These problems may have been formed in the relationship, usually buried deep in the heart from past relationships and childhood.Inevitably, issues left unresolved or healed from the past will come to the fore, and here are some of the feelings she may have experienced as she fell down the well: The warning sign that she fell into the well (desperately needs his love) how she feels she might say ．at a loss ．There is so much to do. ．Insecure ．I need more. ．anger ．I do everything. ．trouble ．But, that....confuse ．I not only why....exhausted ．I can't do anything. ．helpless ．I don't know what to do? ．negative ．I don't care, do what you want. ．Require ．you should:…. ．inhibition ．I do not want…….do not trust ．What do you mean? ．control ．OK, then you....negative ．how can you forget... When she has a lot of support in difficult times, she trusts the relationship with the other person, and is able to go in and out of the well without conflict, or struggle with life so much, that is the blessing of a loving relationship. When a woman is at the well, a man's support is a gift she sincerely appreciates.She will gradually free herself from past influences, and while there will still be ups and downs, they will not overshadow her loving nature too much. understand women's needs During my caring workshop, Tom complained: "In the early days of our relationship, Susan saw It was very strong at first, but it didn't take long to become very weak.I comfort her, I love her, she's big on me want.After we talked a lot, this obstacle was lifted.But a month later, she had the same Insecurities, like throwing everything we talked about in the first place.I'm feeling depressed so I'm arguing There was one. " Tom was surprised that other men had the same experience.When Tom met Susan, she was at the peak of her wave, and after the relationship began, Susan's love for Tom began to grow.Once she reached the peak, she immediately felt vulnerable, possessive, and insecure, demanding more attention from Tom.It was the beginning of the fall, but Tom couldn't understand why she had changed.After several hours of lively discussion, Susan felt much more comfortable, Tom reassured her of his love and support, and he was relieved that Susan was now climbing the ladder again. Tom thought he had successfully solved the problem, but a month later, Susan fell again, with the same insecurities as last time, this time Tom lost patience, he had promised her his love a month ago He is humiliated that she does not believe him.In self-defense, he negatively criticizes Susan's need for his reassurance, which of course creates an argument. Tom understands that women are waves, and that Susan's repetitive needs and insecurities are natural, inevitable, transient phenomena.He also realized how naive he had been in thinking that a loving response could heal Susan's innermost being forever. When Susan falls in the well, Tom learns how to let her solve her inner problems easily and successfully save them from quarreling: 1. A man's love and support cannot permanently solve a woman's problems, but his love can enable a woman to safely dive down the well.He learns to tolerate a woman's ups and downs, and each time he becomes more supportive of her. 2. It was not his fault or failure that the woman fell into the well.To back her up, he can't stop her from going, but helps her through. 3. After a woman falls to the bottom, she has the ability to rise up by herself, and a man does not need to solve this problem for her.She wasn't broken, she just needed his love, patience and understanding. when a woman feels insecure A woman has a tendency for waves to increase in intimate relationships, but basically, she'll ride out the cycle safely; likewise, she'll do her best to pretend nothing happened and suppress negative feelings. If a woman feels unsafe in the well, her only vigilance is to avoid intimacy and sex, or to suppress the numb feeling through indulgence, such as drinking, overeating, overwork, or overcare.Even when she was addicted to something, she would periodically fall down the well and rise again uncontrollably. You may have heard of many couples who never quarreled or argued and suddenly decided to divorce. In this case, most of the women suppressed their negative feelings in order to avoid quarreling. As a result, they gradually became numb to love and felt less than love. Suppressing negative feelings will cause positive feelings to be suppressed as well. At this time, love is declared dead.Avoiding arguments and fights is a good thing, but not through repression.We'll explore in Chapter 9 how to avoid arguments without suppressing your feelings. Repressing negative feelings will affect positive feelings and be suppressed. At this time, love will be declared die. emotional cleaning When a woman's wave falls, it's time for her to clean up her emotions. If she doesn't vent her emotions, she will gradually lose the ability to love and be loved. Depressed feelings will block her natural waves and gradually lack enthusiasm. , producing a feeling of no love. Some women with PMS fight against their natural waves to avoid dealing with negative emotions, and some women who successfully process their feelings can feel that PMS doesn't bother her.We'll explore more therapeutic techniques for dealing with negative emotions in Chapter Eleven. Even a confident, successful strong woman needs an occasional visit to her well.A common misconception among men is that if his girlfriend is successful at work, she won't have moments of emotional housecleaning, when in fact the opposite is true. Especially women are usually under stress and emotional pollution at work, and she urgently needs emotional cleaning; similarly, men also need to pull away like a rubber band under extreme work pressure. According to one study, a woman's self-esteem typically rises and falls on a cycle of twenty-one to thirty-five days.There's no research on how often men pull off like a rubber band, but my experience is that men's cycles are about the same as women's.A woman's self-esteem cycle does not necessarily coincide with her menstrual cycle, but it happens every 28 days on average. When a woman puts on her work clothes, she is detached from her role as an emotional processor, and when she comes home, she needs the tender, loving support of her partner.It is important to recognize that a woman falling into a well does not affect her ability to work, but falling into a well can deeply affect her communication with her intimate loved ones. A wise man puts himself in a woman's shoes to help her rise and fall safely. He lets go of judgment and demands and learns how to give the support needed so that he can enjoy a growing relationship of love and passion later on. He may have to go through some emotional storms and droughts as he learns to support women, but he will be rewarded richly in the end.The unenlightened man is still in the throes of storm and drought, and if he does not learn the art of loving her in the well, the love between them will gradually be suppressed and stop growing. she in the well, he in the cave Harris said: "I went home and tried everything I learned in the seminar, and it worked. We So close, I felt like I was in heaven.But my wife Cass suddenly complained that I watched too much TV, She started treating me like a child and we had a big fight.We've always gotten on well, but But this time I don't know what happened. " Here's an example of waves and rubber bands happening at the same time.Cass is delighted and can hardly believe that Harris has managed to give more to his wife and family than ever after attending the seminar.They are closer than ever and her waves are peaking for a few weeks and one night Harris decides he wants to watch tv and sleep later when his rubber bands start to pull out and he needs to get out into his cave middle. When he pulled away, Cass was deeply hurt, her waves immediately began to fall, and she saw his withdrawal as the end of their new experience of intimacy.A few weeks ago she was content, and now she thought it was all over.This intimacy had been a dream of hers since she was a child, and his withdrawal was such a shock to her, it was like giving the baby a candy and then taking the essence for the sensitive little girl inside her. Walk.This made her very sad. It's hard for a man to understand what Cass feels like being abandoned.A man will logically say, "I've been great for the past two weeks, shouldn't I take some time for myself? I've given you all of my time, and now it's time for me. I feel more secure and more convinced that my love is right!" The woman also spoke logically about the different experiences: "The first two weeks have been so good, I've been more open to you than I've ever been. It hurts me to lose your attention. I started to really open up and you slipped away." past feelings emerge Without total trust and openness, Cass would have spent years protecting herself from harm.But just two weeks into her loving life, she was more open than ever, and Harris' support made her feel safe about her past feelings. Suddenly, however, she would return to the situation where her father was too busy when she was a child.She took out unresolved issues from the past and feelings of helplessness and anger on Harris's TV watching behavior.If the feeling didn't arise, Cass would be happy to accept Harris watching TV. The act of making him watch TV hurt her because old feelings surfaced.If she is given the opportunity to share and discuss her hurt, deep feelings will surface.Cass would first fall completely into the well and then suddenly turn around.Once again, she had to trust that there was still intimacy, even if his inevitable brief withdrawal made her uncomfortable. Harris didn't know why she was hurt, he went to tell her she shouldn't feel hurt, and the dispute resumed.When a man tells a woman that she shouldn't feel hurt is the worst thing, it hurts her more like a sore. When a woman feels hurt, she may speak in a tone that sounds like she's scolding him, and trying to explain to her that she shouldn't feel hurt will only make things worse.Sometimes a woman who is feeling hurt can rationally agree that she should not be hurt, but she will still be hurt emotionally, and what she needs is an understanding of why she is hurt, not blame or an explanation. Unintentional harm, quarrel justified Harris was so confused by Cass' hurt reaction that he thought she was asking him to never watch TV.Cass wasn't asking him to give up the TV, just that he knew that at that moment his watching TV would cause her pain. A woman instinctively believes that if her partner hears her pain, she will make some changes for her.When Cass recounts her hurt, all she needs is for him to listen and promise her that he will never be the same TV-obsessed and demanding emotionally independent Harris he used to be. Of course Harris has a right to watch TV, and Cass has a right to be sad; she has a right to be heard, understood, and comforted; Harris is right to watch TV, and Cass is right to be sad. Men fight for the right to be free, women fight for the right to be sad; men want space, women People need to understand. Harris didn't understand Cass's waves, thought her reaction was unfair to him, thought that every time he wanted to watch TV, he had to calm her down first, he became irritable, and felt that he could no longer Love, get close to people. Harris felt that just watching TV would ruin her mood, while Cass just wanted to feel bad about being heard.He argues with Cass about watching TV, and Cass argues with Harris about being hurt and sad.Harris believes that the anger and helplessness that Cass has accumulated for twelve years can completely disappear in two weeks of love life, which is simply a fantasy. Harris' withdrawal caused Cass to slump, and her unresolved feelings began to emerge, and she reflected not only Harris' watching TV but years of neglect that night.Their argument turned into a rant, and two hours passed before they actually talked to each other. By understanding what's wrong, they can resolve each other's conflicts and faux pas, and Harris understands that his withdrawal triggers Cass's emotional housecleaning.After talking calmly, he learns the importance of listening to her, and she understands the importance of supporting his freedom. He supports her need to be heard, and she supports his need to be free. Cass knew that Harris would come back after withdrawing, so she experienced intimacy again. She knew that their growing intimacy would trigger his withdrawal. She also knew that her hurt feelings would make him feel controlled, and his It also needs to feel that she is not telling him what to do. Harris asked: "What if I can't hear her and I'm going to my cave? Sometimes when I start listening, I get very angry." I made him believe he was normal.It sometimes triggers his rubber band to pull away when her waves fall and she most wants to be heard.He couldn't provide for her needs, he agreed with empathy: "Yes, I want to pull away, but she wants to talk." Three Steps to Supporting Her When He Needs to Pull Off When a man wants to withdraw and a woman wants to talk, he will only make matters worse by trying to listen.It doesn't take long before he's critical of her, or grumpy, tired, confused, and she's even more upset.When he cannot listen carefully with care, understanding, and respect, he can get help from the following three methods: 1. Accept your own requirements. The first thing you have to do is accept that you need to withdraw and that you don't have the energy to give at this time.No matter how much you tried to make yourself loving, you just couldn't listen carefully at the time.Don't push yourself to listen when you can't. 2. Understand her pain. Next, you have to understand what she wants, not what you can give her.She deserves her pain, don't make her think it's a mistake for her to ask or hurt too much.When she needs your love and you ignore her, she will be very frustrated; you are right in asking for space, and she is right in asking for closeness.You may be afraid that she won't forgive you or believe you, but if you care and understand her hurt, she will trust you more and forgive you more easily. 3. Avoid arguments and give comfort. By understanding her hurt, don't make her feel wrong for her sadness and pain.While you can't be supportive of her needs, don't let the argument make the situation worse, and just reassure her that you'll be back is giving her the support she needs most. replace argument with correct expression Harris is not wrong for wanting to be alone and watch TV, nor is Cass wrong for feeling hurt, and to avoid the TV-rights argument, he can say, "I know you're upset, but right now I really need to watch TV to relax. Let's talk about it when I'm more comfortable, okay?" This would give him time to watch TV and calm down and prepare to listen to her hurt feelings without hurting her. She may not have a calm reaction, but she will respect his decision, because what she wants is his usual caring appearance.He can't give what he doesn't have, all he can do is avoid making the situation worse.The point is that both he and she need respect.He can come back and respond to her needs after he has had the cooling time he needs first. When a man can't listen to a woman's hurt feelings because of his need to pull away, he can say, "I understand you feel hurt, and I need a moment to think about it. Let's pause for a moment." This way for a man to apologize first and stop listening is better than Much better to try to analyze her damage. Cass asked, "What do I do when he goes to the cave? I give him space, but what do I get?" Cass gets the best treatment he can give.If she doesn't force him to listen when she wants to talk, she can avoid big problems from arguments.Then when he comes back, she can have his support - he has filled himself with the capacity to support her. Remember, when a guy pulls away like a rubber band, he comes back with more love, he listens better, and this is a good time for the two of you to talk. Accepting a man's need to cave doesn't mean you don't need to talk, it means that whenever she wants to talk, don't expect him to listen.Cass learned that some men sometimes don't want to hear or talk, but after a while he's happy again.Timing is a big factor, and she knows she can't give up sparking a conversation, but finding the right time for him to listen. When a man pulls away, that's when a woman looks for support from a friend. If Cass wants to talk and Harris doesn't want to hear it, she can go to a friend. Treating a man as the only source of love and support will leave him breathless.When a woman's wave is down and her partner is in the cave, she must need other emotional support, or instead of helping her partner, she will resent him. Treating a man as his only source of love and support can leave him breathless. How Money Creates Problems Chris said: "I'm totally confused. We were poor when we got married and both worked hard but still Can't even pay the rent.Sometimes my wife Penn complains that her life is too hard, which I absolutely can't bear. to understand.But now our economic situation is much better and our business is very successful, why Is she still unhappy and complains a lot?Other women may do many other things to satisfy themselves, but It's us, but we only quarrel.The days are not good, we live happily, but now we have to leave married. " Chris didn't understand that women are like waves. When he married Penn, her waves would occasionally fall. At this time, he would listen and understand her unhappiness. He could easily affirm her feelings by sharing them.As far as he could see, she had good reason to be upset—they didn't have enough money. Money can't satisfy emotional needs Men have a tendency to think that money can solve everything.As Chris and Payne struggled to end poverty, he listened to and felt her pain, and then worked to make more money to keep her from being unhappy.Payne felt that he genuinely cared about her.But when they got better financially, she would still be sad occasionally, and then he couldn't understand why she was still unhappy.He thought she should be happy all the time, because they had money, and now Payne felt that he didn't care about her. Chris didn't know that money couldn't stop Payne from being sad.When her waves fell, they fought because he was bent on taking away her bad feelings.Ironically, the richer they are, the more quarreling they get. When they were poor, Payne's pain was centered on money, but when women became financially secure, they began to notice their emotional needs. This was a natural, normal, and predictable process. After women's financial needs are met, they begin to pay attention to their emotional needs. When a woman has money, people (especially her husband) do not give her the right to be sad, he thinks her emotions should no longer have ups and downs like waves, and he doesn't think she should discuss her feelings and other needs in life. Chris was encouraged when he knew that he could actually make his wife happy. He remembered how he had put himself in his wife's shoes when he was poor. Now that he was rich, he could still do the same thing. When he knew how to support her, No longer feel hopeless.When he really knows that love and understanding are the source of her satisfaction, he no longer thinks that only money can make her happy. Pay attention to feeling Sometimes when a woman is unhappy, she will never be truly happy unless she is supported.True happiness needs to be able to immerse in it with confidence, relax, heal, and purify emotions. This is a natural and healthy method. If we are going to feel positive feelings like love, joy, trust, gratitude, etc., then we also need to feel anger, sadness, fear, sadness, etc. on a regular basis.When a woman goes to her well, it is also her time to heal these negative feelings. Men also need to experience negative feelings in order to experience positive feelings. When a man experiences negative feelings in silence, it is time for him to go to the cave. We will explore techniques for releasing negative feelings that are effective for both men and women in Chapter 11. When a woman is on the crest, she is very self-satisfied.But when she fell, she cared about what she missed; when she was in a good mood, she had the ability to reflect the good things in life, but when she fell, her vision of love was clouded, and she cared about what she missed in life. what was missed. Just like half a glass of water, you can think it is half full or half empty; when a woman rises in waves, she also sees the rich side of life, and when she falls, she sees the empty side.Feelings of emptiness that she'd ignored on her ascent became the focus of her attention on her descent. Men cannot understand or support their spouses without learning that women are like waves.It confuses men when things are going well outside of their relationship, but they are on the rocks in their relationship with their spouse.But by remembering the differences between men and women, a man can give her the support she needs most when she needs it most.