Chapter 19 Chapter Nineteen
Shinjuku Station is a huge station.A total of nearly 3.5 million people pass through this station in one day.Guinness Book of Records officially recognized JR Shinjuku Station as "the most passenger station in the world".Several lines intersect at this station, the main ones are Chuo Line, Sobu Line, Yamanote Line, Qijing Line, Shonan Shinjuku Line, and Narita Express Line.These tracks are intersected and combined in an extremely complicated way, with a total of sixteen platforms.In addition, the lines of the two private railways of the Odakyu Line and the Keio Line and the three subway lines intersect with each other.It's a maze.During rush hour, the maze is crowded with people.The turbulent and howling sea of people swarmed towards the entrance and exit.The movement of the transfer crowd is complicated, and there will be dangerous vortexes.No great prophet, however great, could divide this turbulent sea of people in half.
Five times a week, twice in the morning and evening, such an overwhelming and huge flow of people, under the ingenious guidance of the understaffed station staff, can barely pass smoothly, which is really hard to believe.Especially the morning rush hour is a big problem.People are rushing to their respective destinations and must arrive at the company within the time stipulated by the time recorder.They were not in a happy mood, and the drowsiness had not been completely eliminated, and the car with no gaps devastated their bodies and nerves.Only a very lucky few get a seat.Tsukuru has always been in admiration that there were no riots, no accidents that caused bloody tragedies.If such an extremely crowded and mixed station and carriages are attacked by fanatical terrorists, it will undoubtedly cause a fatal situation.The damage must have been severe.Whether it's for the people working in the railway company, the police, or for the passengers, it's a nightmare beyond imagination.But even so, until now, little has been done to prevent such a tragedy.And such a nightmare actually played out in Tokyo in the spring of 1995.
The station staff kept broadcasting requests with loudspeakers, the departure bell rang non-stop, and the ticket checking machines silently read the enormous information on the train cards.The long trains departing or arriving in seconds are like well-trained domestic animals. They regularly stand out from the crowd, absorb another batch, and drive to the next station as if it is too slow to even close the doors.When going up and down the stairs, someone stepped on your foot in the crowd, or even if a shoe fell off, it was impossible to go back and get it.The shoes were swallowed up by Gao Feng, the rapidly falling quicksand, and disappeared.He or she has to wear a single shoe to get through the long day.
In the early 1990s, before Japan's bubble economy burst, a well-known newspaper in the United States published photos of people going up and down the stairs at Shinjuku Station during the winter morning rush hour. (Maybe Tokyo Station is also possible, but the two are the same).The commuting passengers in the photo all lowered their heads as if they had agreed in advance, their faces were ashen as squashed fish in a jar.The report read: "Maybe Japan has become richer, but most Japanese people look so unhappy with their heads drooping." And this photo became famous.
Whether the Japanese are actually happy or not, this work does not know.But the real reason why people lower their heads in unison when descending the stairs in the crowded Shinjuku station in the morning is not so much that they are unlucky, but that they are paying attention to their feet, so as not to miss the first step of the stairs, so as not to lose their shoes —— During peak hours, this is an extremely important issue at such a huge station.The photograph says nothing of this actual background.And people who wear dark coats and walk with their heads down, most of the time, they don't look very happy.Of course, it is logically possible to turn a society that needs shoes without losing them on the way to work every day into an unfortunate society.
Just think about how much time people spend commuting to and from get off work each day.On average, it takes one to one and a half hours one way, which is probably the case.After getting married and having one or two children, if ordinary office workers who work in the city center want to own a single-family house, they can only move to the suburbs where they spend so much time working.In this way, in a twenty-four hours a day, two to three hours will be spent on commuting.In a train full of passengers, you may be able to read a newspaper or a small book if the situation is good.Or listen to Haydn's symphony with ipod, and it is also possible to learn Spanish conversation.Some people may be able to close their eyes and lose themselves in metaphysical contemplation.But generally speaking, the two or three hours in a day are probably hard to count as the most meaningful and high-quality time in life.How much time in a person's life is deprived by this meaningless (probably) movement?And how exhausting and dissatisfying is it?
But this is not something that Tazaki Sakuta, who works for a railway company and whose main job is designing stations, should consider.Everyone's life is up to them.That was their life, not Tazaki's.Let people judge for themselves how unfortunate, or how fortunate our society is.What he should think about is how to properly and safely guide this astonishing flow of people.This requires no introspection, only precisely verified practicality.Because he is not a thinker, nor a sociologist, but an engineer.
Tazaki likes to look at JR Shinjuku Station very much.
As long as he went to Shinjuku Station, he bought an admission ticket from the ticket vending machine, and he almost went to the platforms of Line 9 and Line 10, where the departure point of the Chuo Line limited express train was, and it was a long-distance train to Matsumoto or Kofu.Compared with other platforms where commuters are mainly commuters, the number of people getting on and off the train here is much less, and the departure and arrival of trains are not so frequent.Tsukuru could sit on the bench and quietly observe the situation at the station.
Similar to how other people go to concerts, movies, clubs to dance, sporting events, and shop windows, Tsukuru goes to train stations.When he has free time and can't think of what to do, he often goes to the station alone.When he was in a restless mood or thinking about something, he would naturally walk towards the station.Then I sat down on the bench on the platform, drank the coffee I bought from a small shop, checked whether the train departed according to the timetable (keep it in my bag), and just sat there quietly.That's how many hours can pass.When I was a student, I often paid attention to the shape of the station, the flow of passengers, and the actions of the staff, and I would record the things I noticed in a notebook in detail, but I don’t do that anymore.
The special train pulled into the platform while slowing down.The door opened and the passengers got out of the car one after another.Just looking at such a scene, Tsukuru's mood becomes satisfied and peaceful.When he finds out that the train arrives on time according to the timetable, even if it is not the station of his own railway company, Tsukuru will feel a kind of pride, just a kind of steady pride without ostentation.Cleaning staff quickly entered the arriving trains to collect garbage and clean the seats.The stewardesses wearing hats and uniforms continued to work swiftly, preparing for the departure of the next train.They replaced the destination signs on the bodywork and put new numbers on the trains.All of this is carried out in seconds, extremely orderly, concise and without stagnation.This is the world Tazaki belongs to.
He did the same thing at the station in Helsinki, sitting on a bench with a simple timetable, drinking hot coffee in a paper cup, and watching the arriving and departing trains.He confirmed the destination of the train on the map, and also confirmed where the train came from.He also watched the figures of the passengers getting off the train and the passengers rushing towards the platform, and followed the actions of the staff and flight attendants in uniform with their eyes.If you do this, your mood will become as peaceful and stable as before.
Time flows evenly and smoothly.It's the same as at Shinjuku Station except you can't hear the station radio.Perhaps in every part of the world, the operating procedures of train stations are basically the same, with the level of precision and expertise.This naturally resonated in his heart, and he felt that he was in the right place.
When Tsukuru Tazaki finished work on Tuesday, the clock on the wall pointed to around eight o'clock.He was the only one left in the office at this time.The work he does is not so urgent that he needs to work overtime.But on Wednesday night, I had an appointment with Sara, so I wanted to clear up the accumulated work before then.
After finishing his work, he turned off the computer, put the important disks and files into a drawer with a lock, and turned off the lights in the room.Then he greeted the familiar guard and walked out of the company through the back door.
"It's hard to work so late," said the doorman.
Looking for a place to eat a meal, but no appetite.But I didn't want to just go home, so I walked to JR Shinjuku Station.He also bought coffee at a small shop in the station that day.In this hot summer night in Tokyo, he was sweating profusely on his back, but he still prefers to drink steaming black coffee rather than iced one, this is out of habit.
On Line 9, as always, preparations are being made for the last express train bound for Matsumoto.The flight attendants walked through the carriages, checking with their skilled but unrelenting eyes, in case there were any omissions.This car is the commonly seen E257 series. Although it is not as gorgeous and eye-catching as the Shinkansen trains, I like its unadorned and straightforward appearance.It goes along the Chuo Main Line to Shiojiri, and then along the Shinono Line to Matsumoto.The train reached Matsumoto at five minutes to midnight.Because the route to Hachioji is in the urban area, the noise must be suppressed, and because most of the driving is in the mountains, there are many turns, and it is impossible to drive fast, so the distance is not too long, but it is very time-consuming.
It still takes some preparation time before the car can be taken, but the passengers on this car are already busy buying lunch boxes, snacks and canned beer at the canteen, and prepared a few magazines for themselves.There are also people who have ipod white earphones in their ears, and have created a world of travel that is exclusive to them.People everywhere are either operating their smartphones with their fingers sensitively, or talking loudly to their phones at a volume not inferior to that of the radio to communicate with others.I also saw figures of young couples who seemed to be traveling together.They sat shoulder to shoulder on the bench, looking happy and whispering this.There was a pair of five or six-year-old twin boys who looked like they wanted to sleep very much. They were held by their parents and walked past Zuo quickly.Each of them held a game console in their small hands.Two foreign youths were carrying heavy backpacks, and the girl with a cello bag had a very beautiful profile.These people who took the express train at night and went to distant places—— Tsukuru envied them a little bit.Anyway, they have somewhere to go now.
Tsukuru Tazaki had no particular destination to go.
Come to think of it, he hasn't been to Matsumoto, Kofu or Shiojiri yet.If you say that, even the Hachioji hadn't been there.Although he has seen countless express trains headed for Matsumoto on this platform of Shinjuku Station, the possibility that he will take this train has never appeared in his mind so far.why?
Tsukuru imagined that he would take this train now, and go to Matsumoto just like that.Not entirely impossible.And he didn't think it was such a bad idea.Coming to this platform itself is a sudden idea. If you want to go to Matsumoto, there is no reason why you can't go.What kind of place is there?What kind of life do people live there?But he shook his head and dismissed the idea.It's impossible to get back to Tokyo before tomorrow's work time.You can know it even without looking at the timetable.And there is an agreement to meet Sha Luo tomorrow night.Tomorrow is an important day for him, it is impossible to go to Matsumoto now.
Tsukuru drank the rest of the warmed coffee and threw the paper cup in the trash can next to him.
Tazaki had nowhere to go.This is like a proposition in his life.He has neither a place to go nor a place to belong.There never was before, and there still is.The only place for him is "where you are now."
No, it's not like that, he thought.
If you think about it carefully, life ends here, and there is only one time when you clearly know where you are going.That was in high school, and Tsukuru hoped to enter Tokyo's engineering university to study train station design professionally.That's where he's going.And study hard for it.The head teacher once told him coldly that it is 80% impossible to get into that university based on your grades.But with his hard work, he finally broke through this difficulty.At that time, it was the first time in his life that he devoted himself so wholeheartedly to studying.Although I am not good at competing with others for rankings and results, as long as I am given a specific and acceptable goal, I can devote myself to it and display my strength.This was a new discovery for him.
As a result, Tsukuru left Nagoya and came to Tokyo to start a life alone.When he was in Tokyo, he was eager to return to his hometown town as soon as possible to meet his friends who had left for a while.That's where he belongs.This kind of living between the two places lasted for a little over a year.But at some point, that communication was abruptly cut off.
After that, there is neither a destination to go nor a place to belong.There is still his home in Nagoya, his own room has been preserved, and his mother and eldest sister still live there.The second sister also lives in the urban area.Although I go back once or twice a year as a courtesy, and when I go back, I am welcomed with affection, but I don’t have much to say to my mother and sisters, and I don’t feel nostalgic when I’m with them.What they want is the former appearance of Tsukuru who was no longer wanted and discarded.In order to reproduce that self, he has to do some unnatural performances.The look of Nagoya also looks strangely distant and dull.What I want to see or miss, I can't find anything there.
On the other hand, Tokyo is just a place where he happens to live.Where school used to be, now it's work.He belonged here because of work, nothing else.Tsukuru leads a regular and quiet life in Tokyo.It's like a desperado who is wanted by the country in a foreign land, in order not to cause disturbances and troubles around him, and in order not to be deprived of his residence permit, he lives a secluded life carefully.He lives as an outlaw in life.The metropolis of Tokyo is an ideal place to live for such people who want to live anonymously.
To be someone who has no close friends.Only had a few girlfriends, and soon separated, smooth relationship and peaceful breakup.No one could enter his heart.Maybe it's because he himself doesn't seek that kind of intimate relationship, and the other party doesn't yearn for him deeply, maybe half and half.
Sitting on a bench at Shinjuku Station, Tazaki thought, my life has essentially stopped moving since I was 20 years old.The life after that was like a gentle wind blowing past him quietly, leaving no scars, no sadness, no emotional fluctuations, and no happy memories left behind.And he was approaching middle age.No, there is still a little time before middle age.But at least he was no longer young.
After thinking about it, in a sense, maybe Eri can also be regarded as a fugitive in life.She was also seriously wounded in her heart, so she left many things behind and her hometown.But she chose the new world of Finland for herself.And now she has a husband and daughters, pottery making, a job where she can pour her heart.There is also a summer house by the lake and a lively dog.Finnish is also learned.There she created a little universe for herself.different from me.
Tsukuru glanced at the TAG Heuer on his left wrist. The time was 8:15.The special train has already started boarding, and people boarded the train one after another with their luggage and sat in the designated seats.After putting the bag on the luggage rack, I took a break with an iced drink in the air-conditioned car.They could be seen doing this through the window of the car.
This watch was inherited from my father, a rare tangible thing.It is a fine antique watch made in the sixties.If you don't wear it for three days, the screws will become loose, and the pointer will not turn.But Tsukuru liked the inconvenience instead.It's really a pure mechanical product, no, maybe it should be called a handicraft, not even a small piece of quartz or chip.Everything is made to run regularly by delicate springs and wheels.And under nearly half a century of non-stop rotation, the time it records is still amazingly accurate.
Tsukuru has never bought a watch himself since he was born, and has always used the cheap ones given by others without interest, as long as he can know the exact time.That's what he thinks about watches.All you need is the simplest electronic watch from Casio to meet your usual needs.So when his father passed away and took over this high-priced watch as a relic, he didn't have any emotion.Just because it needs to be wound up every day, it is like a task that I carry with me every day.But as soon as he used this watch, he completely fell in love with it.Tsukuru likes the tactile feel, the just-right weight, and the small mechanical sound.I even checked the time more often than before.And every time I look at it, the shadow of my father flashes in my mind.
In fact, to be honest, I don't remember much about my father, and I don't have any special nostalgia.Whether it was a child or an adult, I have no memory of going somewhere to play with my father, or having a close conversation between the two of them.My father was originally a very silent person (at least he didn't talk much when he was at home), and the rest was busy with work every day, and he seldom went home.Now that I think about it, I probably had a woman somewhere else.
For Tsukuru, he is more like a relative of a wealthy man who often visits the house than a blood-related father.Tsukuru was essentially raised by his mother and two older sisters.Tsukuru basically didn't know what his father's life was like, what kind of thoughts and values he had, and what he did every day.The limit he knows is that his father was born in Gifu, his parents passed away when he was young, and he was adopted by his uncle who was a monk. Anyway, after graduating from high school, he started from scratch and set foot in the society, and finally achieved great success, which made him what he is today. cause.From the perspective of people who have suffered, it is rare that they are unwilling to mention their past hardships.Maybe it's because he doesn't want to think about it. Anyway, my father undoubtedly has extraordinary business talents, knowing how to buy what he needs as soon as possible and throw away what he doesn't need halfway.The eldest sister inherited his business talent.The second sister still inherited part of her mother's active and sociable side.And Tsukuru didn't inherit any qualifications from either party at all.
My father smoked fifty cigarettes a day, got liver cancer and died.When Tsukuru went to visit his father at the University Hospital in Nagoya City, his father was completely speechless.At that time, he seemed to want to say something to Tsukuru, but he couldn't.A month later, he stopped breathing in a hospital bed.What his father left Zuo was a one-room apartment in Jiyugaoka, a bank deposit in his name, and this TAG Heuer watch.
No, he left something else behind, the name Tazaki.
When he said that he wanted to go to Tokyo Institute of Technology for professional studies, his father was disappointed when he learned that his only son was not interested in his self-made real estate business.But on the other hand, he also expressed great agreement with Tsukuru's ambition to become an engineer.That's what my father said. If you think so, go to Tokyo and go to university. I'll give you the money you need.Whatever it is, it's good to learn the technology and do something practical.This is useful to the world.Just study hard and build your favorite station.Father seemed pleased that his choice of the name "Saku" was not in vain.This was the first and last time that he made his father so happy, or that his father showed his joy so clearly.
Just like the time on the timetable, the limited express train bound for Matsumoto left the platform on time at nine o'clock.Do was still sitting on the bench, watching to the end, watching the lights of the train gradually move away from the tracks, speeding up and disappearing into the summer night.After the last bus left, the surrounding suddenly became empty.The light of the city itself seemed to have dimmed for a moment.Like a stage where the lights are dimmed after the play is over.He got up from the bench and walked slowly down the stairs.
Walked out of Shinjuku Station, walked into a small restaurant next to it, sat at the counter table and ordered meatloaf and potato salad.And half of the two were left, not because it was unpalatable, this shop is famous for its meatloaf, but because there was no appetite, the beer industry only drank half as usual.
Then he took the tram back to his home, took a shower, washed his body carefully with soap, and washed away the sweat from his body.Then he wore an olive green bathrobe (a gift from his ex-girlfriend for his 30th birthday), sat on a chair on the balcony, and listened to the chaotic noises of the street while blowing the night wind.It was nearly eleven o'clock, but he wasn't sleepy yet.
Tsukuru recalled the days when he was in college and only thought about dying.That was already sixteen years ago. At that time, just staring at the depths of my heart, I felt like my heart was about to stop naturally.Just like focusing a beam of light through a lens, the paper will burn, as long as you concentrate your mind completely and focus on one focal point, your heart will definitely be fatally injured.He was looking forward to such an ending from the bottom of his heart.But contrary to his wish, after several months, the heart did not stop beating.The heart is not something that simply stops.
In the distance came the sound of a helicopter.It seemed to be approaching here, and the sound gradually became louder.He raised his head and looked at the sky, looking for the shadow of the machine.It gives the impression that a messenger has arrived with an important message.But in the end, the plane was still not seen, and the sound of the propeller was far away, and disappeared towards the west.Only the chaotic noise of the night city remains.
At that time, what Bai hoped for might be the disintegration of the small group of five.This possibility suddenly appeared in Tsukuru's mind.He sat down on a chair on the balcony to give this possibility some concrete content.
The five of them in high school were almost seamless and in perfect harmony.They accepted each other for who they were and understood each other.Everyone feels a strong sense of well-being in the group.But this supreme happiness cannot last forever.Paradise will be lost one day.People grow at different speeds and in different directions.As time goes by, even if you want to avoid it, things that violate the harmony will appear.There may be subtle cracks, too.And that, after a while, can get out of hand, far more than subtle.
Bai's spirit probably just couldn't bear the pressure that would eventually come.Maybe it's because he felt that if he didn't break the chain of spirits in this group now, everyone would be involved in the collapse of the group, and he would be fatally injured.It was like a drifter being dragged to the bottom of the sea after being engulfed by the whirlpool caused by the sinking of the ship.
This feeling can be understood to a certain extent, and it should be understood now.I am afraid that the tension brought about by the inhibition of sex has no doubt played a significant role.Tsukuru imagined it this way, and the realistic sex dream that came in the future was probably the extension cord of the tension.It also brought—though not exactly what—something to the other four.
Shiro probably wanted to escape from this situation.Maybe it's because I can no longer bear the burden of this close relationship that requires emotional control all the time.Among the five people, Bai was without a doubt the most sensitive person.Perhaps she sensed this gap earlier than anyone else.But there is no way to escape with one's strength, and she doesn't have that kind of strength.So Bai took it as training to become a traitor.At that time, Tsukuru was the first member to leave the group to go outside, and also the one with the weakest connection in the community.In other words, he has the qualifications to be punished.Then when she was raped by someone (who raped her and under what circumstances so that she became pregnant, this is probably an eternal mystery), in the hysterical confusion under the blow, she was like pulling After getting off the emergency stop device in the tram, I tore off their connection with all my strength.
If you think about it that way, a lot of things make sense.At that time, Bai probably relied on instinct, wanting to use Zuo as a pedal to climb out of this closed cage.Perhaps Shiro intuitively felt that even if Tsukuru Tazaki's words were placed in that position, he would be able to survive well, which is the same conclusion that Eri came to after calm thinking.
Tazaki Saku-kun who has always been calm and detached but followed his own pace.
Tsukuru got up from the chair on the balcony and returned to the room.He took the bottle of Cutty Sark from the cupboard and poured some into a glass, then went out onto the balcony with the glass in hand.He sat in a chair and pressed the fingers of his right hand to his temple.
No, I'm neither calm nor keeping my own pace.It's just a matter of balance.It's just that you can put your own weight skillfully on the left and right sides of the fulcrum.It may look light and handy in the eyes of others, but it is by no means a simple task, and it is much more laborious than it appears on the surface.And even with good balance on both sides, the overall weight on the fulcrum will not be lighter at all.
Even so, he still forgave Bai—you.She was in heavy pain, and she did that just to protect herself desperately.She is very weak and does not have enough shell to protect herself.When the imminent crisis came, I was exhausted trying to find a safer place, and I had no time to consider other means.Who could blame her?But in the end, no matter how far she escaped, she still couldn't escape in the end.The shadow with a hidden violent side persistently chased after her.Eri called it the "evil spirit".And on that cold and quiet rainy night in May, that thing knocked on her door and broke her slender and beautiful neck with a rope.It probably happened at a pre-determined place and a pre-determined time.
Tsukuru returned to the room, picked up the receiver, pressed the shortcut key without thinking about anything, and called Sharo.But after the dial tone sounded three times, he suddenly reacted and put down the microphone.By tomorrow, I will be able to meet her and have a good talk with her face to face.Before that, it was very clear that he shouldn't say something to her so vaguely.But anyway, now he just wanted to hear Sharo's voice right away.This kind of emotion came out of my heart very naturally, and I couldn't restrain this impulse.
He put Lazar Bellman's "Pilgrimage Year" on the turntable and lowered the pointer.He settled down and listened to the music.The scenery of the lakeside of Hameenlinna (Hameenlinna) emerged in front of my eyes, the white lace curtains beside the bed were blown by the wind, and the boat was beaten by the waves to make a rattling sound.In the woods, the mother bird is patiently teaching the little bird how to sing.The citrus scent of shampoo lingered in Eri's hair.In her soft and full breasts, the weight of life continuation is accumulated.The grumpy old man who led the way for him spit thick phlegm into the lush summer grass.The puppy happily wagged its tail and rushed towards the luggage seat behind the Renault car.Thinking back on these scenes, the pain in Tsukuru's chest came back.
Tsukuru tilted the glass of Cutty Sark slightly, smelling the aroma of Scotch whiskey.My stomach warmed up slightly.From the summer to the winter of my sophomore year, during the days when I just wanted to die, I drank a small glass of whiskey every night like this, and I couldn’t fall asleep if I didn’t do it.
Suddenly, the phone rang.He stood up from the sofa, raised the pointer of the record player, and stood in front of the telephone.This should be a call from Sha Luo, there is no one who will call me at this time except her.She knew Tsukuru called her, so she called him back.The bell rang twelve times, and Tsukuru hesitated whether to pick up the receiver or not.He pursed his lips tightly, held his breath, and stared straight at the phone, as if in order to solve the long math problem written on the blackboard, he stepped back a few steps to carefully check the details of the problem.But the clue to the problem was not found.After a while the ringing stopped, followed by silence, a deep silence.
To fill the silence, he put down the needle of the record again, returned to the sofa and continued to listen to the music.This time he tried not to think about any specific things, closed his eyes, let his mind empty, and let his consciousness focus on the music.For a while, as if being drawn out by the melody, various images of various colors appeared one after another in the eyelids, and then disappeared again.A series of images without specific shape and meaning, they vaguely appeared on the edge of his consciousness, silently crossed the range within reach beforehand, and then were swallowed up by other edges and disappeared.Like microbes with enigmatic outlines across the circular field of view of a microscope.
Fifteen minutes later, the phone rang again, but Tsukuru still didn't pick up the receiver.This time, he didn't stop the music, still sitting on the sofa, just staring at the black microphone.The bell rang several times without counting.After a while, the bell stopped and all that was heard was the music.
Shaluo, Tsukuru thought, I want to hear your voice more than anything else.But I can't talk to you right now.
Tomorrow, Sha Luo might choose not me, but another man.Tsukuru lay on the sofa, closed his eyes and thought.Not only was it perfectly possible, it might have been the right thing to do for her.
What kind of person that man was, what kind of relationship the two of them had, and how long they had been dating, Tsukuru couldn't know, and he didn't want to know at all.Only one thing is clear, what I can give to Shaluo now is only very few, an extremely limited quantity, and a limited variety.And judging from the content, there is probably no merit.Who would really want something like that?
Sha Luo said that she has a good impression of herself, which is probably true.But many times in this world, just having a good impression is not enough.Life is so long, sometimes it is too cruel, and some situations require victims, and someone must play that role.And the human body is made so fragile and vulnerable that it bleeds when cut.
No matter what, if Sara didn't choose me tomorrow, I would really die.he thought so.Whether it is a real death or a metaphorical death, it doesn't matter which one it is.But this time I might actually cut myself off from life.Tazaki, who has no color, has completely lost his color, and will quietly withdraw from this world.Everything has turned into nothingness, and the rest is just a piece of hard frozen soil.
It's no big deal, he told himself.So far, I have almost reached that step several times, and it would not be incredible if it really happened.
But purely physical phenomena.The clockwork of the fully loaded watch gradually slackened, and the torque was infinitely close to zero. It would not take long for the gears to stop running, and the hands of the watch suddenly stopped at a certain position.Silence falls, that's all, isn't it?
Go to bed before the date changes and turn off the lamp next to your pillow.If only I could have a dream where Sharo appeared, Zuo thought to himself.Even if it's an erotic dream, of course, it's okay if it's not.But if possible, it's better not to be a sad dream.It would be even better if I could touch her body in my dream.It's nothing more than a dream.
Tsukuru pursued Sharo with all his heart.How wonderful it is to be able to pursue someone from the bottom of your heart like this!After a long time, Tsukuru felt this strongly.Maybe for the first time in my life.Of course not everything is wonderful, and at the same time it hurts, it feels suffocating.There will be fear, there will be gloomy regressions.However, even this pain has now become a precious part of nostalgia.He didn't want to lose this feeling at the moment.Once lost, maybe we will never meet such warmth again.Losing it is better than simply losing yourself.
“作，你应该把她追到手，不管出现什么情况。假如你放走她，只怕今后别想再追到什么人了。”
惠理这么说过。她说得大概没错。作也明白，不管发生什么，都必须追到沙罗。但不消说，这并非他一个人就能决定的事。这是一个人和另一个人心灵之间的问题。有应当付出的东西，也有应当获取的东西。总而言之，一切就看明天了。假如沙罗选择我，接受我，我立刻就向她求婚。把现在自己能给她的东西，不论是什么全都给她。趁着还没有迷失在森林里，被坏心眼的小矮人逮住。
“并不是一切都消失在了时间的长河里。”这是作在芬兰的湖畔分别时，应当告诉惠理的话。不过那时他没想到。“那时，我们坚定地相信某种东西，拥有能坚定地相信某种东西的自我。这样的信念绝不会毫无意义地烟消云散。”
作静下心，闭上眼睛入睡。意识尾部的灯火，如同渐渐远去的末班特快列车，徐徐增速，越变越小，被吸入黑夜的深处消失了。身后只留下风穿过白桦林的声音。