Chapter 17 Chapter Seventeen

The two sat down across the table again and talked about their inner thoughts.Many of them have not been put into words for a long time, but are closed in the depths of the soul.They lifted the lid of their hearts, opened the door of memory, poured out their truest feelings as much as possible, and listened quietly to each other's words. Huili said. "Actually, I still abandoned you. I tried to escape from her. I wanted to escape from what was attached to her as far as possible. That's why I devoted myself to pottery, married Edward, and ran as far as Finland. The place has come. Of course, this is just a natural development of things for me, and it is not something I have sought. But this way, I don’t have to take care of pomelo anymore, and this idea is not uncommon. I like her more than anyone else, and I have regarded her as my double for so long. So I support her to go on no matter what, but on the other hand, I am exhausted physically and mentally. Because I have to take care of her all the time , I'm really exhausted. No matter how hard I try, I can't stop her from leaving the real world day by day. This is extremely painful for me. If I continue to stay in Nagoya like that, maybe even I It's become abnormal too. But these are just my excuses, right?"

"You just expressed your feelings truthfully, which is different from an excuse." Eri bit her lip for a moment. "But it's still equivalent to me abandoning Yuzu. Then Yuki went to Hamamatsu alone and was killed so cruelly. Her neck is so slender and soft, do you remember? Like a beautiful bird, a little If I force it, it will be broken. If I was still in Japan, such a tragedy would not have happened. Because I cannot let her live in such a strange place alone." "Maybe so. But even if it didn't happen at that time, maybe it will be staged elsewhere in the future. You are not Yuyou's guardian, and it is impossible to be by her side 24 hours a day. You have your own life, and what you can do It's very limited."

Huili shook his head. "I've convinced myself like this, countless times. But it won't help anything. Because part of me left Youyou in order to protect myself. This is an indisputable fact. Apart from whether she was rescued in the end, there is still There was a problem of not belonging inside of me. And during that time, I lost even you. Because of Yuzu's illness, I had to break up with the innocent Tazaki Saku-kun. Just for our Convenience, I hurt you deeply. I obviously like you so much." Tsukuru fell silent. "But it's not just that." "Not just that?"

"Well, to be honest, the reason why I abandoned you was not just because of You. That was just a high-sounding reason. I did it because of timidity. I don't have the confidence as a woman. I know that no matter what I have I like you so much, you probably don’t even think about me. Your heart is probably towards You. That’s why I resolutely severed the relationship with you. In fact, it was also to cut off my affection for you. If If I had a little self-confidence and courage, if I didn't have that ridiculous self-esteem, no matter what the situation, I wouldn't break with you so coldly. But at that time, I probably didn't have a normal mind. I really You did something bad. I apologize from the bottom of my heart."

There was another silence. "I should have apologized to you like this earlier." Eri said, "I know that very well. But I couldn't do it anyway, because I am so ashamed of myself." "Don't worry about me." Tsukuru said, "I've passed the most dangerous period. I also managed to swim through the sea in the middle of the night alone. We each continue our respective lives with all our strength. And we can see far If so, even if you made a different judgment and made a different choice at that time, there may be some errors, but we will probably settle down and be the same as today. I have this feeling."

Eri bit her lip, thought for a while, and then said, "Takuro, can you tell me something?" "Anything is fine." "If, at that time, I had the courage to tell you that I liked you, would you and I become lovers?" "Even if you suddenly told me that in person, I probably wouldn't believe it," Tsukuru said. "why?" "Because someone actually likes me and wants to be a lover with me, which is completely unimaginable to me." "You are so gentle, calm and stable. You have already decided your own way of life at such a young age. And you are so handsome."

Tsukuru shook his head. "I had a very boring face and I never liked the way I looked." Huili smiled slightly. "Maybe. Maybe your face is really boring. My brain is wrong. But at least for a 16-year-old ignorant girl, you are handsome enough. If you have someone like you as a lover How good it would be." "I don't even have anything resembling a personality about me." "As long as there is a living person, everyone has a personality. It's just that there are people who are easy to see on the surface and people who can't show it." Eri narrowed her eyes and looked straight at Tsukuru's face. "So, what's your answer? Will you be my lover?"

"Of course." Tsukuru said, "I like you very much. It's different from being attracted to Yuzu, you are deeply attracted to me. If that's what you confessed to me, I will definitely become a lover with you .and we're bound to get along just fine." The two of them will presumably make an intimate couple and enjoy themselves to the fullest sexually.Tsukuru thinks so.There is a lot to share between Tsukuru and Eri.Temperaments are very different at first glance (reticent and introverted, Eri gregarious and sharp-tongued), but they each try to use their hands to create meaningful tangible things.But the process of the two of them getting closer and closer seemed not to last.As time goes by, there will inevitably be a gap between what Huili pursues and what he pursues.Both of them are still in their teens, and they will grow up steadily towards their goals, and the road they are advancing will eventually encounter a divergence point soon, and they will be divided into left and right.Probably there is no need to argue at all, and there is no need to hurt each other, and they parted ways naturally and peacefully.And in the end, they will come to this step, Tsukuru is building a train station in Tokyo, Eri and Edward get married and move to Finland to live.

Even if this is the result, there is nothing incredible about it, and there is a very high possibility.And such an experience will never play a negative role in the lives of the two of them.Even if they are no longer lovers, they will definitely be good friends in the future.But that is not the case.What actually happened to them was completely different.And now the facts are more significant than anything else. "Even if it's a lie, I'm glad you can say that," Eri said. "It's not a lie." Tsukuru said, "I won't put this kind of thing down on you. If you and I will spend happy days together, it's a pity that it didn't turn out like that. I feel so from the bottom of my heart. .”

Eri smiled, and there was no sarcasm in that smile. Tsukuru remembered the Harumu that he often dreamed of Yuzu appearing in the past, and Eri also appeared there.They are two people together.But the objects he ejaculated in the dream were all in Yuzu's body, and he never ejaculated in Eri's body once.This may have some meaning in it.But this kind of thing couldn't be said to Eri.No matter how hard-hearted and honest we are, there are things that cannot be said. Thinking of having such a dream, Tsukuru probably couldn't do it and couldn't agree with it. Yuzu claimed that she was raped by herself (claiming that she was pregnant with his child), that is a complete fabrication.Even if it was nothing more than a dream, Tsukuru couldn't help but feel that he might also be responsible.No, not just the rape thing.Same thing with the one where she was killed.On that rainy night in May, perhaps without realizing it, something inside me rushed to Hamamatsu, and maybe broke her beautiful neck as thin as a bird.

The scene of himself knocking on the door of Yuyou's apartment and saying, "Can you open the door for me? I have something to tell you." appeared in his mind.The black raincoat he was wearing was soaking wet, and there was a smell of night rain in the air. "What is it?" Yuzu said. "I have something to tell you. It's very important. I came to Hamamatsu specially for this purpose. It won't take you much time. I hope you will open the door." He said.He continued facing the closed door: "I'm sorry that I came here without contacting you in advance. But if I had contacted you in advance, you would definitely not want to see me." You hesitated for a while, then silently unlocked the anti-theft lock.His right hand gripped the rope in his pocket tightly. Tsukuru frowned.Why do you have to do this kind of meaningless imagination?Why was I the one who broke Yuzu's neck? Of course, I have no reason to imagine this.It never occurred to Tsukuru that he wanted to kill anyone.But on a symbolic level, maybe he wants to kill Yuzu.Tsukuru himself couldn't see through the thick darkness lurking in his heart.What Tsukuru understood was that Yuzu probably also had her own deep darkness in her heart.And maybe in the deep underground, her darkness and Tsukuru's are connected to each other.And Tsukuru went to hang her neck because she wanted to do that.Perhaps from the connected darkness, Tsukuru heard her hope. "Are you thinking about Yuzu?" Eri said. Zukuo said: "I have always regarded myself as the party who made sacrifices, and I have always felt that I have been treated cruelly and harshly for no reason. It is because of this that I have been deeply hurt in my heart. The life I should have had. To be honest, I also hated the four of you. Why am I the only one who has this kind of experience? But maybe this is not the case. Not only am I the victim, but at the same time I don’t know People around me got hurt because of it...and then I got hurt because of it." Eri didn't say anything, just stared at the book. "Maybe I killed Yuzu." Tsukuru said frankly: "That night, maybe I was the one who knocked on the door of her room." "In a sense." Eri said. Tsukuru nodded. "In a sense, I also killed Yuzu," Eri said, then turned her face away. "Maybe I was the one who knocked on the door of her room that night." Tsukuru looked at her beautiful tanned side face and her slightly upturned nose, which he had always liked since before. “We each carry our own share of the pain,” Eri said. The wind stopped for a moment, and the white curtains on the bed remained motionless.There was no rattling of boats, either, but only the cry of birds, with strange tones never heard before. She listened to the birdsong for a while, picked up the hairpin with one hand and pinned her bangs up again, and then gently pressed the hairpin on her forehead with her fingertips. "What do you think of the work that Hong runs?" she asked.The flow of time has become a little brisk, and I almost want to take off the weight. "I don't really understand." Tsukuru said, "The world he lives in is too far away from the world I live in. I can't simply judge him by good or bad, right or wrong." "I can't agree with Hong's work, it's clear. But I can't cut off contact with him because of this. Because he used to be one of my best friends, and he is still a good friend now. Even if we have been seven or eight It's been a year." She stroked her bangs again, and said. "Hong donated a lot of money to the Catholic church every day to keep the school going. The people there are very grateful for what he did, because their financial situation is very difficult to continue to operate. But he None of us knew about the donation, because he himself strongly requested to be an anonymous donor. Apart from himself, the person involved, I should be the only one who knew about it. I just happened to know about it because of some circumstances. He is definitely not bad. You have to understand this, in fact, he is just pretending to be old-fashioned on the surface. I don’t know the reason why he did this, probably because he has to.” Tsukuru nodded. "It's the same with Qing." Eri said, "His heart is still so pure. I know very well that it's just too difficult to live in this real world. And both of them have achieved achievements beyond ordinary people. .They each tried their best to live in a decent way. Zuo, the small group we formed together is by no means useless, I think so, even if it lasts only a short memorial." Eri buried her face with her hands again.She was silent for a while, then raised her head and continued. "Whether it's me or you, we've all survived like this. And those who survive have their own responsibilities. That is, do your best to live a good life. Even if many things have changed It's a pity." "All I can do is keep building the station." "That's enough, you just need to continue building the station. The station you build must be complete and safe, and it will be very convenient for everyone to use." "I am so looking forward to doing it as much as possible." Tsukuru said: "Actually, it is not allowed, but in the station where I am in charge of the project, I have always put my name inside. It is invisible from the outside. Write your name on wet cement with a nail, Tsukuru Tazaki." Huili smiled. "Even if you're gone, the good station you built will stay. It's like putting my initials on a plate." Tsukuru looked up at Eri. "Can I tell you about my girlfriend?" "Of course." Eri said, and smiled charmingly. "I'd like to hear about that smart girlfriend who's older than you myself." Tsukuru talked about his relationship with Sara.Incredibly attracted to her when they first met, and then started a sexual relationship with her on the third date.She wanted to know about the small group of five in Nagoya and what happened.Then the last time he saw her, Tsukuru was somehow incapacitated and unable to enter her body.Say it all frankly.Also, Sharo persuaded him to go to Nagoya and Finland.She said that without doing this, Tsukuru's inner problems would not be resolved.Tsukuru felt that he was in love with Sharo, to the extent that he was willing to marry her.This is probably the first time that I have such strong emotions for a person.But she seems to have an older lover.Sharo looked very happy as he strolled down the road with the man.On my own, I might not be able to give Shaluo such a happy feeling. Eri listened carefully to Tsukuru's words without interrupting him a word, and finally she said this. "Takuku, you should go for her no matter what the situation is. I think so. If you leave her now, you may not be able to have anyone in the future." "But I don't have that confidence." "why?" "Because maybe I don't have an ego at all. I don't have a identifiable personality, I don't have any bright colors. I don't have anything identifiable about me. That's all I've had for a long time, feeling like It's like an empty container. The shape of the container is there to a certain extent, but there is not much content in it. I don't think I am worthy of her at all. As time goes by, as Shaluo treats me The more I know, the more likely she will be disappointed in me, and then she will stay away from me." "Zuo, you should have a little more confidence in yourself. Because I liked you before, and I wanted to dedicate myself to you. As long as it is what you want, you can do anything." "Zaku, you should be a little more confident in yourself. Because I liked you before, I once wanted to dedicate myself to you, as long as it is what you want, you can do anything. A girl, I like you so much Degree. You have enough value, not nothing." "I'm glad you said that." Tsukuru said, "Really. But I don't understand what happened with Sharo. Although I'm already 36 years old, as long as I start to think about myself seriously, I will be the same as before, No, it's more than ever, and I'm at a loss. I don't know what to do inside. Especially since this is the first time in my life that I have had such strong emotions for someone else." "Even if you're an empty container, isn't that fine." Eri said, "Even so, you're still an excellent, attractive container. No one really knows what you are. I understand. Don’t you think so? So, you just need to be a beautiful container, a container that makes people want to put something in it, a container that gives people a good impression.” Tsukuru thought about what she said.He could understand what she was trying to say, regardless of whether it was suitable for him or not. Eri said, "As soon as you get back to Tokyo, go and tell her everything. That's what you should do. Opening up always leads to good results. Just, can't talk about seeing her with that man .Just keep it to yourself. Women, there are things you don't want to be seen, but beyond that, tell her how you feel." "I'm terrified. I'm afraid that if I do something wrong or say something wrong, everything will be destroyed and it will disappear." Eri shook her head slowly. "It's the same as building a station. Assuming it's a very important and valuable station, it won't be ruined and returned to nothingness because of a small mistake. Even if it is not complete, the station must be built first, right? Because if there is no station, the tram will not be able to stop there, and it will not be able to meet important people. If there is any problem, it is enough to adjust it after the event. The first thing is to build the station, build a A station specially designed for Saro, a station where you can’t help but want to stop even if you don’t need a tram. Imagine the appearance of the station in your mind, give it a specific color and shape, and then engrave your name on it with a nail On the foundation, inject your life. You have such power, because you have swum in the icy night sea.” Eri stayed to have dinner together. "It is said that you can catch very fresh trout in this area, and it is very fat. Although it is simply fried with herbs and fried on a pan, it is very delicious. If possible, come and have dinner with us." "Thank you, but I think it's time to go back, because I want to go back to Helsinki before it gets dark." Huili smiled. "While it's still dark? Well, this is Finland. It's bright in summer until late at night." "I still want to go back," Tsukuru said. Eri understood his feelings. She said: "I really appreciate you making the trip to come here to see me. I am very happy to talk to you like this, really. It seems that something that has been pent up in my heart for a long time has been unraveled." Of course not everything was clearly resolved, but it was a big help for me." "I'm in the same mood." Tsukuru said, "You've helped me a lot. I also met your husband and daughters, and I know how you're doing here now. It's worth coming to Finland for me." The two of them walked out of the hut together to where the VW golf cart was parked, taking each step slowly as they savored each step, and finally hugged each other again, this time she stopped crying and Tsukuru felt the pain in his neck. Her peaceful smile.Her plump breasts are full of life force.Eri's finger caressing his back was so real. Then Tsukuru suddenly remembered the presents he had bought in Japan for Eri and the children.He took presents from the backpack in the car and gave them to Eri, a boxwood barrette for Eri, and a Japanese picture book for the children. "Thank you, Zuojun." Huili said, "You have always been like this, always so gentle." "It's not as good as what you said." Tsukuru said.Then I remembered the evening when I bought these gifts, and saw Sharo walking on Omotesando with a man.If I didn't want to buy gifts, I wouldn't have seen that scene, it's incredible. "Goodbye, Tazaki Saku-kun. Be careful when you go back." Eri said at the time of parting, "Don't be caught even if you came to Finland." "Evil dwarf?" Eri narrowed her eyes, her lips were slightly tilted to one side mischievously as before. "We always say that here, don't be caught by the evil dwarves, because from long ago, there are all kinds of things living in the nearby forest." "I know." Tsukuru smiled. "Will be careful not to be caught by the evil dwarves." "If you have a chance, tell Qing and Hong." Huili said, "Just say that I have a good life here." "I'll pass it on." "Zuo, I think you should meet up with two of them more, or with three of them. It's good for you and good for them. It will definitely be beneficial." "Yeah, maybe it's a good thing," Tsukuru said. "Also, maybe it's a good thing for me." Eri said, "Although I can't be there, I still think so." Tsukuru nodded. "When I go back, I must try to meet them. It's also for you." "But it's incredible to say it," Eri said. "what?" "That beautiful era has just passed away, and it will never come back again. Many wonderful possibilities have been absorbed and flowed away with the passage of time." Tsukuru nodded silently.Although he knew what to say, he couldn't speak. "The winter in this land is extraordinarily long." Eri said while looking at the lake, as if speaking to herself in the distance. "The nights are long and it feels like it will never end. Everything is frozen hard, and it feels like spring will never come. So you can't help but think of dark things, no matter how much you don't want to think about them matter." Still speechless, Tsukuru just silently looked at the surface of the lake where Eri was looking.When I thought about what I should say at that time, it was already after I buckled up my seat belt on the direct flight to Narita Airport.For some reason, the words that should be said always come to mind later. He turned the key and started the engine.The VW Golf's four-cylinder engine wakes from a brief slumber to finally rev up round and round. "Goodbye." Huili said, "Take care. And catch Miss Sharo well. You need her no matter what, I think so." "I'll give it a try." "Zaku, there is one thing to remember. You are not lacking in color. It is just a name. Although we often use this to laugh at you, it is just a joke without deep meaning. You have always It's the good and colorful Saku-kun Tazaki who is building beautiful stations. Now a healthy 36-year-old citizen who has the right to vote, pays taxes, and flies to Finland alone for me. You have nothing Lacking. To show some confidence and courage, all you need are these two things. You can’t lose the important person for the sake of timidity and boring self-esteem.” He started the car, put it in gear, stepped on the accelerator, then moved down the window and waved his hand.Eri waved at him too, and she kept waving at him with her hand held high. After a while, Eri's figure was hidden among the trees, and the rearview mirror reflected only the greenery of Finland's summer.The wind picked up again, blowing small white water waves on the broad lake.A tall man paddling a kayak passed in front of him like a big beetle. Probably will never come here again, and will never see Eri again.The two of them continued on their respective paths in their respective limited places.As Qing said, there is no going back.If you think about it this way, sadness will come from somewhere like water, a formless and penetrating sadness.This is his own sorrow, and it is also a sorrow that is beyond his reach.It was painful as if a piece of chest had been gouged out, and it became difficult to breathe. After the car reached the asphalt road, Tsukuru stopped on the shoulder of the road, turned off the engine, leaned on the steering wheel and closed his eyes.In order to regulate the beating of the heart, it is necessary to breathe slowly and deeply.Before I knew it, I suddenly felt—a cold and hard thing near the center of my body—like a core of cold and frozen soil that would not melt for many years.That is caused by inner pain and suffocation.Until now, Tsukuru didn't know that such a thing still existed in his body. But this is the inner pain that is due, and it is also the suffocation that is due.This is what he has to feel.He had to melt that frozen core bit by bit.It may take a long time, but it's what he has to do.And in order to dissolve that frozen ground, Tsukuru needs the warmth of others, his own body temperature alone is not enough. Let's go back to Tokyo first, this is the first step.Tsukuru turned the key and started the car's engine again. On the return trip to Helsinki, Tsukuru prayed in his heart that Eri would not be caught by the evil dwarves in the forest.All he could do now was pray.