Chapter 15 9. A fear

More than 1,000 yuan can save a life, but without this more than 1,000 yuan, a person will die. This fact gave me a strong stimulus.I studied medicine for eight years. Although I did not become a doctor after graduation, the concept of cherishing life is still deeply rooted.Looking around, I noticed that many people have lost the ability to experience the pain of others in a kind of leisure, and they can maintain such a calm state of mind towards the pain of others.Let’s just say that day, there were so many people coming and going, and they turned a blind eye to those who knelt before them begging for mercy.It has been nearly ten years since I left that extremely poor mountain village, but I have not lost this ability. I feel lucky.But I often feel that this kind of sympathy is too pale, and I really can't do anything except sympathy.That day in Huayuan, I met an old man selling oranges for ten cents a catty on the street. I said, "Eight cents." He immediately agreed.When picking oranges, he told me that his home is more than 30 miles away from the county seat.I asked him if he came here by car, and he said, "How much is a car for a catty? Shoulder car!" He patted his shoulder.The oranges have to be planted, harvested, and sold in the city. Fortunately, they have to walk back when they are sold out. It costs a few dollars.That day I bought ten catties of oranges and gave him a dollar, and he kept saying thank you.All I can do is buy a few kilos of oranges.There have been many times when I saw those who cut eels in the vegetable market. Their hands were cut in several places, and they were wrapped in adhesive tape and their hands were still soaked in blood all day long. I sighed in my heart. This is how to live under pressure.But all I can do is sigh.After the barefoot doctor thing, I had to look at money in a new light.With this kind of thinking, I feel that the waste of money in the hall is too great, which is really unfair to those poor people.How hard it is for some to make money, and how easy it is for others to spend it.After that, I went to the hotel to draft documents, and I pushed them to Ding Xiaohuai.I knew in my heart that the money was still spent, and my self-comfort had no real meaning.

One day I went to the motorcade to find Da Xu, and saw him polishing a new car.I said: "Is this also the car in our hall?" He said: "I drive a Honda now, it feels really different." He told me that the hall bought two more imported cars.I asked Honda how much it cost, and he said, "More than 300,000 yuan." I was shocked and said, "Why is it so expensive?" He said, "That's expensive? The chemical industry hall next door, Lexus bought it back. Three More than 100,000 yuan does not include various expenses, such as handling fees, road maintenance fees, license fees, gasoline fees, maintenance fees, and maintenance fees, depreciation fees, and a large amount.” I said, “I still need a driver.” He said: "Can it be calculated? If you calculate the detailed accounts, you will be frightened and turn over a few times." I said: "In fact, one or two cars in the hall is enough." He said: "Xiaochi said that you are in the hall. It's been so long, why do they speak like overseas Chinese in the United States, who don't understand China's national conditions at all?

With so many leaders, which one doesn't have a car that can be mobilized at any time, he feels uncomfortable all over.If Zhang San has it, can Li Si not exist?Then there will be a storm.In the final analysis, it is not a question of whether there is a car, but whether there is weight in the hall. Is that a trivial matter? I said: "It is enough for several people to share one car." He said: "That will have to wait until the day you become the director."When that day really comes, our drivers will lose their jobs. " I touched the Honda car and said: "It's beautiful and it's really beautiful, and the feeling of sitting in it is really a feeling, but it's really not worth the money if you calculate the details." Da Xu said: " What kind of account do you use for public money.” He sat down to smoke while talking, and told me the account, a car is 310,000 yuan, used for ten years, and the annual depreciation cost is 31,000 yuan.The interest of 310,000 is 22,000 per year, the road maintenance fee is 6,000 per year, gasoline is 3,500, and maintenance and repairs are not counted.I said: "A rough estimate is more than 60,000 a year, not counting the driver?" He said: "You always remember me, then add another 3,000." I said, "If you don't retire, live in a house, or get sick ?” He said, “How can things from the public house be so detailed? This thing is a waste of money.” I said, “The cost of such a thing is spread out every day, which is about two hundred yuan, which is more expensive than mine in a month. wages are higher.

Look at the barefoot doctor, who knelt at the door for so long before he took more than ten yuan. He said: "Can people compare with others?"The one who can't win has to go head-to-head to die, who told him not to be the head of the department?The hall is a good pier, people just want to dock on a good pier, not to mention the barefoot doctor, if I go to the Renqi company to drive, I will lose a lot of money after being tired several times!The docks are different!The rats in the toilet eat feces, run around when they see people, the rats in the warehouse eat corn, and swagger when they see people, the pier is different! "I said: "You don't know some accounts, and you will be shocked. He said: "You don't think like this when you become the director. You feel that you have been wronged. Director Yang of the Chemical Industry Department is sitting in a Lexus. When you go to a meeting in the province, the two cars are parked together. Let alone the director. I feel uncomfortable.Didn't you see that driver Zheng drove that Lexus style, and he ignites like this when he smokes! "He said with a cigarette in his mouth and raised his head, took out the lighter and made a gesture of lighting it up, "Then I can only watch him flaunt his style!"Fortunately, I bought this car to save me some face. "

In those days, I always thought about this matter and couldn't let it go.It's true that my money is useless, and I won't get any extra points if I save the money, but the money can be used to save some people's lives. This is a firm fact.I think this is a discovery of my own that no one else is aware of.I can't be silent, I want to tell this discovery, let everyone think about it, and there is even a kind of shock.Most of the people in the hall are graduates of medical schools. When a voice calls out to their conscience, they will not stand on the sidelines.Thinking of this, I became a little excited, even excited, and felt that I had found a way to fulfill my conscience.But when I really wanted to find an opportunity to express this idea, I felt guilty again, and felt that there was a mysterious power that I couldn't see through or grasp, which made people inexplicably frightened.When I wanted to describe this mysterious power and make it clear, I found it very difficult.It was as if my heart was being sawed by a blunt saw, and I thought that I could be considered an intellectual. After seeing the truth of the matter clearly, I could only pretend to be blind and deaf.I don't have enough courage to fulfill my natural responsibility, which belongs to the role.Conscience and sense of responsibility are the self-names of intellectuals in terms of personality. This is a sentence that has echoed in my heart for a long time. I even thought of taking it as the motto of life. It gave me a little bloody courage.But once faced with reality, the convincing power of this sentence is not so sufficient.

After all, reality is reality, and it has already preset reasons for people to shirk. As long as they take a step back, they will retreat under the shade of those reasons, and their hearts will be at ease.But I asked myself again, if a principle can be modified for personal reasons, it is not a principle.Silence is not only a suppression of conscience, it is simply a challenge to self-esteem.I felt the humiliation in my heart, and I was no different from "pig people and dog people", living in an animal-like way.I felt an insurmountable fear deep within me, as mysterious and indescribable as that power.After thinking about it, this is the fear of losing my identity. I am an intellectual, and if I don’t speak up, who else can I expect to speak up?I am silent then who am I?I hesitated for a long time in anxiety.After hesitating, I decided to give up, which made me lower my self-evaluation.Turns out, my inner superiority complex had no good reason.

But after a while, a speech made by Director Ma at the staff meeting of the hall aroused my inner impulse again.At that meeting, Director Ma criticized Director Tang of the Audit Office.An accountant in the audit office raised different opinions on the audit of the renovation project of the Provincial People's Hospital, and Director Tang arranged for her to be a cashier.Director Ma said at the meeting: "Is there any cadre in the health department who can't listen to different opinions? I can't control other places. In the health department, there must be a communication channel from top to bottom to form a dialogue. When you sit in your seat, you have to convince others. That's the level. .

Let people talk, the sky will not fall.It will not collapse itself.If you don't let others talk, the sky will fall, and you will inevitably collapse. "Director Tang's position was indeed removed. This incident shocked me a lot. I wondered if I thought the leader's mind was too narrow? So I wanted to find an opportunity to say what I wanted to say, and I had that little courage.The fear and anxiety of losing my identity tormented me, and I had to speak up.No identity, no principle, no responsibility, that's terrible.As a small person, I have no physical freedom, and I can't go to the opposite office when I go to work.

But I should still stick to the freedom of the mind, which is more important than the freedom of the body.I must speak. At another party branch’s democratic life meeting, after everyone else had spoken, I felt that those speeches were neither painful nor satisfying, empty, and didn’t even touch the fur.So I said: "I have some ideas, I don't know if I should say it or not?" Director Ma looked at me encouragingly and nodded, seeing that I was still hesitating, he said: "I still say that, let people talk, and the sky won't fall." So I said it, first talking about going to the hotel to draft documents, and then When I got to the car, I calculated all the accounts carefully, and finally concluded with the humanitarian feelings of medical workers. I think I have a good sense of proportion, and I only talk about things without mentioning anyone.After I finished speaking, I found that the atmosphere was not right, and no one came to answer me. Ding Xiaohuai looked at me with a surprised expression, with a smile on his lips.The meeting place was silent for a long time, and this silence constituted a huge psychological pressure on me.Finally Director Ma said: "Xiaochi is able to speak out his own thoughts, which is worthy of recognition. Everyone can discuss and discuss, and everyone can say the same or different opinions. The truth will become clearer and clearer." Looking at the watch again, he said : "I have to go to the provincial government. Master Xu is waiting for me below."

just go.Director Liu said: "Xiaochi's motivation is still very good, but can we think about the problem more comprehensively? For example, cars. It costs a lot of money to keep these small cars in the hall, but it is convenient for work and improves efficiency. , this kind of value cannot be measured by that amount of money.” Ding Xiaohuai immediately picked up: “Da Wei may be a little paranoid when looking at things. There are only a dozen or so small cars in the hall, which I don’t think are many. We have a few extra sets. That is to say, the leaders of the department adopted the principle of economy because they consider that the patients in our department are all the patients, especially those barefoot doctors, who spend too much money and don’t have enough funds.” Director Hao of the Supervision Office also said: "I think Xiaochi's speech is specific and targeted. Who is it aimed at? Considering the tension in the hall, the leader would rather run by himself every day than crowd the comrades. This kind of selflessness Isn’t the spirit of ours an example for us to learn from?” The more he spoke, the more excited he became, and his fists almost hit the table.

I couldn't help but say, "Have you calculated the accounts? The money consumed by a good car a year ago is more than enough to build a house." He slammed his fist on the table and said, "Arguing, what's the point?" I'm arguing!" Obviously he was the one arguing, but he justly said that I was arguing.If the principles of the world can be said in this way, is the world still a world? The atmosphere in the venue prevented me from going on, but had to accept his evaluation of me. What's going on?Then there were several people who spoke, and the thing that chilled me the most was that even Xiao Mo, who had such a good relationship, made a speech, accusing me of being wrong. In the end, even I felt that I was too one-sided, rash and unreasonable.Director Liu said: "Everyone's opinions, I think Xiaochi will still consider them. Of course, he can also keep his own opinions. If you can't figure it out for a while, you can take your time." The meeting ended.Ding Xiaohuai looked excited, and whistled as soon as he went out.