Chapter 4 3. Sunrise in the East

When I first entered college, I thought long and hard about my father's life.I felt aggrieved for my father, such a good man, so talented, yet lived his life so miserable.Is it easy to be a good person and say it out of the mouth under the nose?Also, father, is he worth it?That Judolf turned around and bit him. But I still haven't kept these questions in my mind.During those years, my heart was filled with the passion to look at the world, and I could never be satisfied with the kind of life that regards life as life and myself as the ultimate life, nor can I conceive of limiting my vision to be self-centered and self-interested as the radius in that little circle.That kind of mediocre philosophy is as light as a feather, I think it is really ridiculous, and I really dismiss it.It is a poor choice for others to experience the world in a worldly way, and I will never go that way.There seems to be a mysterious voice that grows from the depths of my soul to remind me that I am destined to live for the world, not just for myself. This is my destiny and I have no choice.In my heart, I call those who regard material enjoyment and possession as the highest goal in life as "pig people", and I have drawn a clear boundary with them spiritually, and thus feel spiritually superior.People should pursue meaning, meaning is more important than life, otherwise how can we still be called human beings?At that time, the rural reform had just started. During the summer vacation, Hu Yibing and Liu Yuejin, together with each of us carried a satchel, and went to various townships in Qiushan County to conduct investigations. Write it down in a notebook.At night, I slept in the grass, and there were so many mosquitoes, I took turns shaking the fan, while making various analyzes of the situation learned during the day, and drawing grand conclusions.Sleeping in the green grass and looking up at the boundless starry sky, you really have the heroic spirit of being close to the universe and small world.We can fight for most of the night over one issue, seeming to conclude about the future of the nation and the destiny of mankind.After drifting for more than 20 days, we arrived at Liu Yuejin's house, closed the door and worked hard for a few days, wrote an investigation report, more than 30,000 words, and sent it to the State Council.Although there is no more text, a few people still feel that a big event has been done.

In the year of my senior year in college, in 1981, one spring night, I returned to the dormitory from the library, and the black and white TV in the activity room was showing a football game, and there was a lot of people.I seldom watch football, but today I was infected by that emotion, and I also moved a stool and stood behind to watch.It was a match between China and Saudi Arabia. After falling behind 2-0, the Chinese team turned the tables and won 3-2.As soon as the game was over, everyone was going crazy with excitement.Someone was shouting outside the dormitory, and everyone rushed down in a swarm.Someone stood on a stool to speak in the dark, and someone lit a broom and held it up as a torch.At this time, the trumpet was blown upstairs, and countless people sang along with the trumpet: "Get up, people who don't want to be slaves, build our new Great Wall with our flesh and blood..." The fire shone on people's hearts Tears were shining on everyone's face, and then the students joined hands, eight people in a row, and spontaneously formed a parade.Walking in the procession, my heart was filled with sacred feelings, even if it cost me my life.I suddenly thought of Wen Tianxiang and Tan Sitong, and at that moment I understood them deeply.A female classmate who was holding my left arm cried bitterly. I looked over by the dim light of the torch, and it turned out to be Xu Xiaoman in the class.Someone in front shouted the slogan "Unite and revitalize China", which immediately became the theme of that night, resounding over the campus.That day was March 20, and almost all universities in Beijing held campus parades. "Night of March 20" kept me in a state of excitement for several days. I felt that my soul had been baptized with holiness, and it also greatly stimulated my sense of responsibility.I firmly believe that it is as undoubted and unchangeable as the sunrise in the east.

After that parade, I ran into Xu Xiaoman on the side of the playground, I nodded and brushed past her.Walking over, she called from behind: "Chi Dawei." I stopped obediently and turned around.She stood still, said nothing, and smiled. I was stunned for a while and said: "What's the matter, Xu Xiaoman?" She said: "Who stipulates that you can only call you when you have something?" I stood there very uncomfortable and said: "That, that..." Before I finished speaking, she nodded her head so lightly, as if she was telling me to go over.I was afraid that I might have misunderstood it, so I still stood there.She raised her hand and hooked her index finger lightly. As if I had received an order, I moved over.She said: "I missed class the day before yesterday for pharmacological analysis. I want to copy your notes. Here are them." I took the notebook out of my schoolbag.She took it without saying anything, still looking at me and smiling.

I panicked in my heart and said: "What do you want, Xu Xiaoman?" She still looked at me and said: "Nothing." I avoided her eyes and stared at her feet.She smiled lightly and said, "Chi Dawei." I raised my head suddenly and said, "What's the matter, Xu Xiaoman?" She pursed her lips and said with a smile, "It's nothing." He raised his hand and wiped it with his sleeve.She grinned, raised her hand gracefully and said, "It's nothing, you can go." A few days later, in class, she returned the notebook to me in front of her classmates. I squeeze my eyes.I saw that the cover of the notebook had been wrapped, and the damaged parts inside were also glued with scotch tape.I was very moved, but I didn't dare to think deeply.Is Xu Xiaoman something a person like me can bear?Her beauty is famous in our department and even in the whole school. The male students in the dormitory often stand at the upstairs window to watch her go back to the dormitory from below after eating.Once I saw her drinking porridge in the cafeteria with my own eyes. A male classmate from the foreign department sat next to her and wanted to talk to her.

What's more, she is from Beijing, and her father is a military cadre.It is said that there are eight classmates in the class who want to pursue her, and they are called "eight elders".I have always kept a respectful distance from such a girl, and never thought that I could have any special relationship with her.For more than three years in college, I seldom talked to female classmates, let alone Xu Xiaoman. I didn't underestimate myself, and I was even very proud in my heart. I tried my best to show this pride in my studies, especially in the exams.At the same time, I look at myself realistically. I live on a stipend of 21 yuan a month, and I don’t have a piece of chic clothes. My schoolbag is still a military schoolbag made of canvas.How many people still use this old-fashioned schoolbag on campus?Several classmates in the dormitory were arguing about whether Xu Xiaoman's satchel was imitation leather or real leather. They were blushing and almost quarreling. The final investigation concluded that it was real leather, or calfskin imported from Australia.Based on this difference, I never thought that I would have any special relationship with Xu Xiaoman.It's not your own thing, why think about it?My heart is like still water, so I don't have to toss and turn like the "eight elders" and others, unable to sleep at night.So after I was moved, I only thought that Xu Xiaoman was a good girl, and didn't think about anything else.

One night I went to the Three Teachings for self-study, and as soon as I sat down, Xu Xiaoman came in, leaned up to me and said, "Chi Dawei, you are here too." She sat a few rows behind me.When I read a book, I always feel that my head is numb, and I want to turn my head to look at it several times, but I hold back.The book became more and more vague, and my mind turned to the person behind.After a while Xu Xiaoman came over and asked me a question, unfortunately I spoke incoherently and vaguely.I am very sorry that she has gone. It took me several years to wait for such an opportunity to perform, but I was ashamed.Will she underestimate me in her heart?I really hope she gives me another chance.It was as if there was a telepathy, and just as I was thinking about her, she came over again, and this time I spoke in an orderly manner.There was a strange fragrance emanating from her hair. I couldn't help pretending to go into more detail, so I moved my head closer and inhaled vigorously a few times.That night, I was in a restless mood lying in bed, and the faint fragrance always lingered around me.

The next night I went to that classroom again, vaguely hoping to see Xu Xiaoman again.It was after nine o'clock that she still hadn't come. I was uneasy, and I convinced myself, "I only met once in a few years. Is there a second time?"Just thinking about her coming in, I couldn't believe my eyes, I blinked vigorously, but it wasn't her.She smiled, and I nodded, then lowered myself and pretended to concentrate on reading.She sat down in front of me on the left and took out a pen to write something.My head seemed to be disobedient, and I couldn't help squinting slightly to glance at her profile, nose, ears, and hair, all of which were just right.Seeing her head move, I immediately turned my head to the book.Several times like this, I looked at Wang Qing, and when she suddenly turned her head, I didn't seem to remember that I should hide it, and I still stared blankly with my mouth slightly open.She blinked her eyes questioningly, and then I remembered that I had lost my composure, and turned my eyes to the book, but I couldn't read a single word of what was written in the book.I will not dare to go to that classroom in the future, who is Xu Xiaoman, and who is Chi Dawei, is that possible?It is already a luxury to take a look at it so closely, can it really be wishful thinking?It never occurred to me to excel in this area, it was impossible and it did not fit my personality.

I met Xu Xiaoman face to face in the library one day, and she stopped me and said, "Chi Dawei, why do you keep avoiding me lately?" These nonsensical words had a lot of meaning, but I still didn't dare to fully express myself. Imagine, give an accurate explanation.When I was talking to her, I couldn't help but glance to both sides, for fear that my classmates would see me and list me as "old nine". She said: "Chi Dawei, why are your eyes always furtive?" I had no choice but to talk about the "Eight Elders". She said: "Is there such a thing? Then let you go now, tomorrow night, the same place." Without waiting for an answer, she went.

At that time, I went to the Third Teaching and waited in that classroom for a long time, but Xu Xiaoman didn't come either.I felt so itchy that I ran downstairs and up again, jumping up and down more than a dozen times, until I rang the bell to turn off the lights, and finally lost my breath. I'm too self-indulgent, and when people say a few words in passing, I take it seriously.I blamed her again in my heart, you are boring and I don't dare to have any delusions, you just want to provoke me and make me into a square inch, I don't know when this chaos will subside.Xu Xiaoman was nowhere to be seen in class the next day. I wanted to ask my female classmate, but I didn't dare to.Before dinner, I heard Wang Guifa and Wu Wei discussing in the dormitory that Xu Xiaoman was hospitalized in the school hospital with stomach cramps caused by a sudden cold, and they had already visited him.

My heart skipped a beat, I pretended nothing had happened, and ran to the hospital as soon as I got out the door. At the door of the ward on the first floor, I saw a few male students around the bed, and I backed out.I walked back and forth outside the window, always trying to find an opportunity to see her alone.But people kept coming and going, staying for more than half an hour and an hour at a time.After dark came another man, tall and big, who sat in front of her bed for several hours, making my heart itch with hatred. At first, I wanted to just go in and see my classmates, but then I lost my courage. Some people watch and others guard, who am I?I went back to the dormitory and wanted to find another classmate to go with me, but I didn't have the courage to speak, as if others would know what I was thinking as soon as I opened my mouth.Back at the hospital, the man hadn't left yet.Until the hospital closed, seeing the man come out, followed him for a while, completely discouraged.

I didn't go to class the next morning, and went straight to the school hospital as soon as the bell rang. God bless, there was no one beside her bed.Xu Xiaoman said excitedly: "Dawei, why didn't you come to see me?" I said, "Anyway, you have someone to see." She said: "I've been waiting for you." I said, "I came last night, and there were people here all the time. Some people kept guard until the door was closed, but they didn't come in." She smiled and said, "Silly brother, that's someone else, don't care about him. If someone wants to come, I can't tell him to go, it's someone else." We were talking, and the thing in her eyes seemed to be very clear, but not clear, I couldn't be sure.While talking, she slowly stretched out a hand from under the blanket, seemingly inadvertently, touched my hand on the bedside, and stopped.I didn't move, her cold fingers groped up, squeezed lightly on the back of my hand, then slowly touched, stroking my wrist back and forth, and finally held my right hand, clenched it tightly, gradually clenched it It was hot, and said: "Hello." The eyes also flashed a strange light, as if a kind of energy was ignited in an instant.I was so moved that I wanted to cry, and said, "Is it true? Impossible, really impossible!" She said: "Who said it's not true, it's impossible?" He held my hand tighter, a kind of damp heat and longing came from the palm.All my senses were focused on that hand, and I felt the palm of the hand trembling evenly, like a small heart beating there. It was at this happy moment that her mother came to take her back.I called "Auntie" and she nodded without saying anything.Watching her mother packing things, I stayed there, my hands and feet became superfluous things. When her mother helped her up, I wanted to go up and help her, but I stretched my hand forward and then retracted it.Xu Xiaoman said: "Chi Da will take things for you." My heart warmed up, and I held the net bag in my hand.At this time a soldier came in, and her mother said, "Xiao Li, put the things in the car." I obediently handed over the net bag.Xiao Li started the car, and I just stood there.Xu Xiaoman said: "Dawei, I will be fine soon." As soon as I raised my hand, the car started.Back in the dormitory, I put my right hand in front of my nose and smelled it, and smelled it again, hesitantly, I touched my cheek, my face was hot, I sniggered shyly, hesitated again, and took off my clothes, Touched the whole body up and down.