Chapter 7 shudder

When I was fourteen, I discovered a mysterious act in the dark that gave me a sense of wonder.When the moment of intense and incomparable happiness appeared, I was very surprised by the trembling at the beginning.This was the first time I discovered that my body was expressing joy in a way that was fearful.Afterwards, when I came across the word trembling, my understanding was obviously different from that of people of the same age, and I began to approach Goethe's intention.The dead old German once said: — Fear and trembling are the highest good of man. I panicked when I first found a piece of my panties wet after those dark nights over the agitated mountain peaks and into the void of nothingness.The first panic that came did not cause me to blame my behavior, but purely physical fear.At first, I interpreted the wetness as the outflow of urine. What I was ashamed of, being ignorant, was not the invisible person who acted like that. I was uneasy because of enuresis at my age, and at the same time, I was flustered by doubting the arrival of the disease. .Still, I repeated the shudder of joy again and again involuntarily, out of that momentary physical agitation of longing.

When I walked out of the house at noon in the summer when I was fourteen, and walked to the school in the city, the bright sun made my face pale.It was at that moment that I was about to perform an act of shame, and I was about to solve the mystery of the night effluent.At my age at that time, I was already unable to make everything act according to what was considered to be the correct standard, and my inner desire began to quietly preside over some of my words and deeds.It's been some days and I've longed to know what exactly that oozes.Such behavior cannot be done at home, and all I can choose is the school toilet at noon, when the toilet will be empty.That dilapidated toilet made me shudder in retrospect, and for a long time I was compelled to accuse myself of performing the ugliest acts in the ugliest places.Now that I've rejected such self-blaming, my choice of toilet made me see myself as a teenager with nowhere to hide.This choice is imposed on me by reality, not voluntary.

I hate to describe the unbearable surroundings, but the thought of the buzzing of flies and the loud buzzing of cicadas outside was enough to make me nervous.I remember feeling weak in all my limbs as I left the toilet and walked across the playground in the sun.What the latest discovery brought me was at a loss after being confused.I walked into the classroom building opposite, hoping that I could lie down in the empty classroom.However, I was horrified to see a female classmate doing homework in the classroom, and the peaceful expression of the female classmate suddenly made me feel deeply guilty.I didn't dare to go into the classroom, and stood at the window in the corridor, feeling infinitely sad. I didn't know what to do next, as if the end had come.Then I saw an elderly cleaning lady carrying a wooden bucket into the toilet I had just left.This situation made me tremble all over.

Later, as I gradually got used to the shaking of my body, I was no longer so afraid of sin after the night came.When I became more and more aware of what I was doing, the accusations against myself began to seem powerless in the face of physical temptation.The tranquility of the night always gives me tolerance and comfort.When I'm exhausted and about to fall asleep, what I see before my eyes is often a brightly colored blouse drifting slowly in the light gray air.The voice that solemnly judged itself began to move away from me. However, once I set foot on the road to school in the morning, the heavy shackles came at the same time.When I approached the school, I couldn't help but blush when I saw the neatly dressed female students.The healthy life shown by their laughter and laughter in the sun made me feel unprecedentedly beautiful at that time, and my own filth aroused my resentment towards myself.

What hurts me the most is that the smiles in their eyes occasionally pass by my eyes. Apart from being frightened, I have no right to enjoy the happiness and excitement when being illuminated by girls' eyes. At this time, I always make up my mind to change myself, and after the night comes, I repeat the same mistakes.In those days, my hatred for myself manifested itself by walking away weakly, walking to a deserted place and standing there between classes.I avoided my friend Su Yu who was becoming more and more attached to me. I didn't think I should have such a beautiful friend. When I saw Su Yu, who knew nothing, approached me kindly, I sadly walked to the other end.

My life unfolds in two parts, day and night.During the day I am so upright and brave to torture myself ruthlessly, but once the night comes, my will will be vulnerable.The speed with which I fell into the arms of desire surprised even myself.My soul was turbulent in those days, and it was often obvious that I was torn in two, with two parts of me glaring at each other like a pair of enemies. Desire runs wild in the dark, and at that moment I need more and more assistance from the female figure.I definitely don't want to tarnish anyone, but there is really no way.I chose the female classmate named Cao Li.The pretty girl who arrives at school in western shorts in the summer, swoons over her rapidly maturing male classmates, admiring her sun-exposed thighs and hearing their whispers about women I was amazed at the lack of real sensitivity in my body.What I don't understand is why they don't praise her face, which I thought was so beautiful at first, and only her smile can make me feel so sweet.She became my indispensable imaginary companion in the dark.Although I wasn't paying as much attention to her body as the other boys, I was equally aware of her thighs, whose bright luster made me shiver slightly.But what I love most is still her face.The sound of her voice when she speaks will thrill me anywhere.

In this way, after the night falls, the beautiful Cao Li will come to my side in my imagination.I never had a bad idea about her body, the two of us were always walking along a deserted river.I faked what she said, and the way she looked at me, and when I was the most daring, I could fake the breath emanating from her, which was similar to the smell of the grass in the morning.The only time I imagined it was out of the ordinary was when I stroked her windblown hair.Later, when I was about to touch her face, I was suddenly scared, and I warned myself: I can't do this. Although I effectively prevented myself from touching Cao Li's sweet face, I still felt that I had hurt her so obscenely when the day came, that it made me tremble as soon as I stepped into the school.My eyes dare not look at her, but my hearing cannot do it, and her voice will suddenly come at any time, making me feel both happy and miserable.Once when she threw a ball of paper at a female classmate, she accidentally hit me.She stood there at a loss, then sat down blushing amidst the laughter of male and female classmates, and lowered her head to organize her schoolbag.Her disturbed expression at the beginning deeply shocked me. An insignificant ball of paper would make her so shy, and my imagination of her at night could not be regarded as dirty.But it didn't take long for her to change completely.

I vowed many times to give up secretly hurting Cao Li. I tried to associate with another girl in my imagination, but it didn't take long before Cao Li's image quickly replaced her.All my efforts have made me unable to get rid of Cao Li. What I can give myself in those days is that although I hurt her in my imagination again and again, she is still so beautiful, and her body is still so lively when running on the playground. moving. As I sank deeper and deeper into self-indulgence and at the same time self-torture, Su Yu, who was two years older than me, noticed the haggard look on my face and my odd behavior of avoiding him.

At that time, not only seeing Cao Li was a huge torture to me, but even seeing Su Yu would make me feel ashamed.Su Yu's quiet posture when walking on the sunny playground reveals the purity and peace of seeking nothing.My filth has no right to associate with him.When class was over, I no longer went to the high school classroom to visit Su Yu as usual, but walked alone to the pond next to the school, silently enduring all that I had caused. Su Yu came to the pond a few times, the first time he asked me what happened with great concern, Su Yu's concerned voice made me almost cry at first.I didn't say anything, just watched the ripples on the water.After that, Su Yu didn't say anything when he came. We stood together silently waiting for the class bell to ring, and then left together.

Su Yu couldn't know the torment I suffered in my heart at the beginning. My demeanor made Su Yu suspicious, wondering if I was starting to tire of him.After that, Su Yu became cautious, and he stopped visiting me by the pond.The once close friendship between us has created a gap since then, and at the same time, we have become estranged rapidly.Sometimes when we met on the school road, each of us seemed a little nervous and uneasy.It was at that time that I noticed Zheng Liang, the tallest student in the school, who began to appear next to Su Yu.Zheng Liang laughed loudly and talked affectionately with the elegant Su Yu standing on the side of the playground.My sad eyes saw Zheng Liang standing where I should be.

I tasted the taste of losing friendship, and I was deeply dissatisfied with Su Yu's relationship with Zheng Liang so soon.But when I met Su Yu, the doubt and sadness in Su Yu's eyes still moved me deeply, and it ignited my strong desire to continue our old friendship with Su Yu.But I, who was getting deeper and deeper in the sins of the night, faced many difficulties once I wanted to do this.I was terrified of the day in those days, and I always hated myself when the sun was shining.This hatred intensified because of Su Yu's departure.So that morning I decided to tell Su Yu about my filth and ugliness.On the one hand, this was to give himself real punishment, and on the other hand, he wanted to show his loyalty to Su Yu.I can imagine Su Yu's horrified expression after hearing what I said. Su Yu obviously couldn't imagine that I was so ugly. But that morning when I bravely called Su Yu to the pond, and kept this brave until I finished speaking, Su Yu didn't have any panic on his face, but told me seriously: "It's masturbation." Su Yu's demeanor took me by surprise.I saw his shy smile, and he said calmly: "me too." Then I felt tears welling up in my eyes, and I heard myself murmuring: "Why didn't you tell me earlier." I will never forget the morning when I stood by the pond with Su Yu. Because of Su Yu’s words, the day became so beautiful again. The grass and trees not far away were lush in the sun, and several male students laughed relaxedly there. , Su Yu pointed at them and told me: "And so will they at night." One night not long after, it was the night just after winter, Su Yu, Zheng Liang and I walked along a quiet street.This is my first night with Su Yu, I remember putting my hands in my trouser pockets, I haven't reacted from the winter cold, I was surprised when I noticed that my hands in my trouser pockets started to sweat Ask Su Yu: "Is it spring?" I was fifteen at the time, and walking with two friends who were much taller than me was an unforgettable moment for me.At that time, Su Yu was walking on my right, and his hand was on my shoulder the whole time.Zheng Liang was walking on the right, and it was the first time that Zheng Liang interacted with me. When Su Yu introduced me to Zheng Liang affectionately, Zheng Liang did not neglect me because of my short stature. He seemed very happy and said to Su Yu: "Does he still use introductions?" Zheng Liang left a deep impression on me that night. Zheng Liang's tall figure gave people a sense of confidence in the moonlight. He often waved his arms when he walked forward.It was at moments like these that the three of us whispered about masturbation.The topic was caused by Su Yu. Su Yu, who has always been taciturn, suddenly spoke in a calm voice, which surprised me secretly.When I recalled this scene many years later, I realized Su Yu's real intention.I hadn't quite shaken off the resulting mental weight back then, and Su Woo did it to help me.In fact, it was only then that I completely relaxed.The mysterious tone when the three of them talked at the beginning still makes me feel kind and sweet until now. Zheng Liang's attitude is unrestrained and generous. This tall classmate told us: "When you can't sleep at night, it's very helpful to come here." Zheng Liang's demeanor reminded me of the self-torture I was still doing a few days ago, which made me look at him full of envy. Although I was relaxed that night, Zheng Liang's inadvertent words later brought me a new burden.When Zheng Liang said that, he didn't know that he was expressing a kind of ignorance. He said: "That kind of thing is like water in a thermos bottle on a person. There is only so much. People who use it diligently will lose it when they are in their thirties, and people who save money will still have it when they are eighty years old." Zheng Liang's words made me fall into a state of extreme physical tension.Because I was too extravagant some time ago, I always felt that the fluid in my body had been exhausted in the dark.This horror makes me look worried when I look forward to my future life.Especially the longing for love, because of psychological barriers, not only can I not restore the sweet imagination of the past, but I am more and more sure of my future loneliness.One night, when I thought of myself as a shambling old man walking alone in the winter snow, I was very sad for my own misery. In the many nights that followed, my behavior at night was no longer hunting for physical pleasure, but gradually became a physical proof.After each successful experiment, the consolation given to me was always very short-lived, followed by panic.I am well aware of the risks I take every time I prove it, and I always feel that the last fluid in my body has just flowed out.At that time, I would hate and regret the proof I had just completed. But within three days, the worry about the emptiness in my body made me plunge into the proof again. The growth of my body is always going on with my pale face. I often stand by the pond at the south gate to see my image in the water.I saw thin chins and tired eyes floating limply in the water, and the slight waves made me see that my face seemed to be wrinkled.Especially when the sky is overcast, I can clearly see a gloomy and prematurely aging face. I didn't know the correct answer until I was twenty.At that time I was studying at university in Beijing, and I met a famous poet at that time.This was the first celebrity I knew, and his casual and neurotic demeanor made me often drive two hours across town just to talk to him for a few minutes.When I'm lucky, I can talk to him for an hour.Although he still didn't remember my name after my three visits, I didn't feel bad for his genial demeanor and sharp mockery of his peers.While he was talking, he could also pay attention to my long speech, and from time to time he came out to correct what he thought was wrong. In this forty-year-old single poet, I often meet some women with different looks, which reflect the broad taste of this poet.As the relationship between us continued to deepen, once I carefully reminded him whether it was time to get married.He wasn't offended by my invasion of his privacy, he just said casually: "Why do you want to get married?" I was embarrassed then, and I went on out of sheer concern for the man I admired: "You don't use up that stuff prematurely." What I said with shame surprised him, and he asked: "Why do you have such an idea?" So I repeated Zheng Liang's words to him that night a few years ago.He let out a deafening laugh, and I can't get over how happy he was curled up on the couch.Later, he kept me for dinner for the first time, and the dinner consisted of two bags of instant noodles when he went downstairs. At the age of forty-five the poet finally married, to a beautiful woman in her thirties, who was as remarkable in her fierceness as in her looks.The poet, who had previously lived a life of chic and laissez-faire, tasted the sarcasm of fate.He was like a child who met his stepmother, and the money in his pocket was only enough for the round-trip bus fare when he went out.Control over money is just one of her means.He also often came to me with a bruised nose to hide from me for a few days, because a lady called him.A few days later, he had to be escorted by me before he dared to return home to make an apology. I said to him: "Don't be downcast, you have to be upright, you are not wrong at all." He said with a playful smile: "It's better to admit your mistake." I remember this pretty woman sitting on the couch saying to her husband who had just walked in: "Go take out the trash." Our poet looks beaming as he picks up his dustpan full of rubbish.He mistakenly thought that labor would keep him safe, but when he came back the woman said to me unceremoniously: "You go back." Then the door was closed.I heard the sound of adults scolding children from inside. This woman, as a wife, of course understands that the person she reprimanded is a very talented poet.So I heard the precepts that made me dumbfounded. The precepts were filled with Tang poetry, Song poetry, modern political terms, popular lyrics, etc. Countless.Interspersed with her husband's pious words: "Well said." or: "I suddenly realized." The woman's voice became more and more impassioned. In fact, at that time, she was not trying to reprimand her husband, but purely to reprimand herself.Her voice showed me that she was reveling in the flow. It is unimaginable to live under such a woman's long skirt.Even if he could bear the bruises and swollen eyes, he couldn't bear her chattering. The most severe performance of this woman is to arrange the confession, guarantee, and self-criticism written by her husband on the inner wall of the house like decorations, so that the husband's friends can feast their eyes on them when they come.At the beginning, my friend always looked livid, but after a long time he was able to pretend nothing had happened.He told us: "A dead pig is not afraid of boiling water." He once said: "She tortured me mercilessly not only physically, but also mentally." I asked him, "Why did you marry her in the first place?" "How did I know she was a shrew?" If I and other friends advised him to divorce, in the end he would tell his wife all about it.He betrayed us, each of us received a threatening phone call from a woman, and the curse I got was that on my twenty-fifth birthday, I would die violently on the street. In the spring when I was fifteen, one day when I was changing clothes after taking a shower at noon, I noticed a strange change in my body.I saw a few long hairs appearing on my lower abdomen, which added a new layer of panic when I was still bearing the psychological pressure brought about by that dark night action.Those slender things suddenly came to my smooth body like an uninvited guest.I stared at them dumbfounded for a long time. I couldn't find a suitable attitude to treat them. I just felt scared that my body had lost the carefreeness of the past. When I walked to school through the sun, everything around me showed the same as before, only my body changed.Something ugly was hidden in my shorts then, and it made my steps feel heavy when I walked.As much as I hate them, I must keep them a secret, because I cannot deny that they are part of me. Shortly thereafter, the hair on my legs also grew rapidly.I discovered this in the summer when I took off my trousers, and when I wore shorts to school, the visible hairs on my legs made me feel like a mess because there was nowhere to hide.As long as there are female classmates looking here, I will feel restless.Even though I plucked all the hairs that had grown up on my legs the next day, I was always worried that Cao Li had seen them. At that time, there was a student who was the tallest in the class. The fine hairs on his legs were already black, but he was still walking around casually with them exposed.For a period of time, I often worried about this classmate. When I occasionally found that the female classmate's eyes were fixed on the fine hair on his legs, this worry turned into uneasiness directed at myself. At noon when the summer vacation was coming, I came to school very early.At that time, several female students in the classroom were chatting and laughing loudly, which made me lack enough courage to go in. To this day, it is still a scary thing to let me go in alone when the room is full of women or strangers.With so many eyes on me at the same time, I'm going to panic.At that time, I was going to leave immediately, but I heard Cao Li's voice, and her laughter gripped me tightly.Then I heard them ask Cao Li which male classmate she liked, and I was taken aback by their boldness.What surprised me even more was that Cao Li was not shy because of this, she answered with obvious joy in her voice, and she asked them to guess. My initial nervousness made my breathing choppy.They uttered a series of names, including Suhang and Lin Wen. These names have nothing to do with me. Their forgetting of me caused my sadness.Meanwhile, Cao Li's total denial gave me fleeting hope.Soon when a voice mentioned the classmate with dark thighs, Cao Li immediately admitted.I heard them laugh out loud together, and through the laughter one voice said, "I know what you like about him?" "What?" "His legs are hairy." Cao Li's defense made me puzzled by this world for a long time afterwards.She said he was the most adult-like of the male classmates. I left the classroom silently. When I walked alone, Cao Li's wanton laughter always followed me.The scene just now shocked me rather than saddened me.It was at that moment that life first showed me a different face than I had imagined.The tall classmate, the classmate who doesn't care about the hair on his legs. When writing a composition, there are many typos, and no teacher will let go of ridiculing him. It is such a classmate who has won Cao Li's favor.It is precisely what I think is ugly, but it is full of charm in Cao Li. I walked to the pond next to the school and stood alone for a long time, watching the sun and leaves floating on the water, and my deep disappointment in Cao Li gradually changed. into pity for oneself.This is the first time in my life that my beautiful yearning has been shattered. The second disillusionment was brought to me by Su Yu, and that was the secret about a woman's body.At that time, I had a long-standing vision of women, but I knew nothing about their physiology. I gave up all the purest parts of myself, and created the image of womanhood in a void.This image appears through Cao Li's face in the dark, but it is always far away from the reality of sex.At night at that time, I could often see extremely beautiful female figures flying in the dark sky. It started with the hardcover book on Su Yu's father's bookshelf.For Su Yu, he is very familiar with hardcover books, but his real discovery of this book still passed through Suhang.They have been living in the dormitory building of the hospital since they left the South Gate. Su Yu and Su Hang lived downstairs, and their parents lived upstairs.The daily task given to the brothers by their parents is to clean the floor with a mop.In the first few years, Suhang was in charge of cleaning the downstairs. He was unwilling to carry the mop upstairs, which would undoubtedly increase the difficulty of the work.Later, Su Hang suddenly told Su Yu that he would clean the upstairs in the future.Suhang didn't state any reason, he was used to giving orders to his brother.Su Yu accepted Su Hang's suggestion silently, and this small change did not attract his attention. After Suhang took charge of the upstairs, two or three classmates came to the house every day to help Suhang mop the floor upstairs.So Su Yu downstairs often heard them whispering and sighing strangely upstairs.It was only after Su Yu broke in by accident that he learned the secret of the hardcover book. Since then, Su Yu often looked melancholy when we met. Like me, his longing for women was too illusory, and when the real things came all of a sudden, he was caught off guard.I remember that night we walked quietly on the street, and then stood on the concrete bridge that had just been completed. Su Yu looked at the intertwined moonlight and lights on the water with a heavy heart, and then told me with some anxiety: "There's something you should know." That night my body trembled slightly in the moonlight, and I knew what I was about to see.Suzhou and Hangzhou neglected me, so that my understanding of the color picture has been postponed until now.For a long time, I regretted that I chose to stand guard. The next morning, I sat in the chair upstairs in Su's house, which was a dilapidated wicker chair, and watched Su Yu pull out the hardcover book from the bookshelf.He showed me that color picture. My first feeling at the beginning was to show my teeth and claws, and the most beautiful female image accumulated through imagination quickly collapsed in front of that color picture.I didn't see the beauty I expected in advance, but what I saw was an extremely ugly picture, and the fierceness was clearly revealed in the picture of baring teeth and claws.Su Yu stood there pale, and I was also pale.Su Yu closed the hardcover book, and he said: "I shouldn't have shown you." The colorful pictures pushed me from the illusory beauty to the actual nakedness, and Su Yu had the same experience.Although I have continued my beautiful vision for a period of time, I often feel that I have been unable to do what I want when I dream. When I re-imagined women, the original purity was lost, and the colorful pictures brought me into the actual physiology.I started to imagine all kinds of women. Although I felt extremely frightened that the fall was coming quickly, the pure physical desire made me irresistible.As I grew older, my gaze on women changed rapidly. I began to pay attention to their buttocks and breasts, and I was no longer only moved by their beautiful expressions and gazes as in the past. In the fall of the year I was sixteen, the film projection team in the city came to South Gate again after half a year.At that time, the country night movie was a grand festival, and people from neighboring villages moved their stools before dark.For many years, the captain's seat has always been entrenched in the center of the drying yard, and has remained unchanged for many years.I always remember the way the captain walked to the drying yard with a bamboo pole for drying clothes in the dark.After he sat down, the long bamboo pole leaned on his shoulder.As long as someone in front blocked his view, no matter who that person was, he would stretch out the bamboo pole and hit that person on the head.The captain maintains the spaciousness of his field of vision with a bamboo pole. Children usually sit on the opposite side of the screen and watch the characters in the movie shoot guns with their left hands and write with their left hands.When I was a child, I was an audience on the opposite side of the screen. When I was sixteen, I didn’t go to the opposite side to watch movies.At that time, a girl in her twenties from a neighboring village stood in front of me. I still don't know who this girl is.The hustle and bustle brought me behind her, and it was through her hair that my eyes reached the screen.At first I was calm, but it was the smell from her hair that gradually made me uneasy. The warm and fleshy smell hit me in bursts.Then there was a rush of the crowd, and I found my hand on her buttocks, and that brief contact blew me away.Once the temptation appeared, it was hard to get rid of it. Although I was terrified, I still touched it lightly.The lack of response from the girl certainly added to my courage.I turned my palm over and almost supported her hip.At that moment, as long as her body swayed slightly, I would run away immediately. Her body was as stiff as a piece of wood, and my hands felt her body heat, which made the parts of my hands hotter and hotter.I moved lightly a few times, but the girl still didn't respond.I turned around and looked back, and saw a tall man standing behind me.I next squeezed the girl's buttocks with uncanny audacity, and she giggled.Her laughter suddenly sounded at the most boring time in the movie, which was very prominent.It was this laughter that killed my growing courage in a flash.After I squeezed out of the crowd, I pretended to be careless at first, but I couldn't hold on after walking a few steps. I ran to the house desperately, and my heart was still beating wildly after I lay on the bed in a panic.At that moment, as soon as footsteps approached the door, I would tremble all over, as if she had brought someone to arrest me.After the movie ended, the chaotic footsteps made me even more frightened.When my parents and brother were in bed, I was still worried that the girl would come to my door.I didn't save myself until sleep came. When I was at a loss in the face of my own desires, Su Yu also fell into the same predicament. Unlike me, Su Yu was freed from the mental pressure brought about by life at the South Gate.Now when I look at the old days, the happy and happy childhood life of Su Yu I saw by the pond is actually as unreliable as the wind blowing across the water at that time.At that time, I already had a vague idea of ​​the entanglement between Su Yu's father and the widow, but I didn't know the real blow it brought to Su Yu.In fact, when the antagonism between me and my family became more and more obvious, Su Yu started to panic about the family because of his father's actions. When the Su family moved in, the widow was not yet old, and the forty-year-old woman made no secret of her strong interest in Dr. Su.Before her vigorous lust was about to pass, she committed the habit of liking the new and disliking the old that can be easily found in men.Previously, all the farmers who got out of her bed were muddy legs. Dr. Su's appearance made her feel refreshed.This elegant man who wore glasses and always smelled of alcohol made the widow suddenly realize that although countless men had visited her carved wooden bed, those men were all of the same type.When the doctor came, the widow couldn't restrain her inner excitement. She said to everyone: "Intellectuals are likable." To be fair, during those days of being infatuated with the doctor, she remained virginal for at least a fortnight, and she no longer refused anything.She knows that doctors are all about hygiene, and she doesn't want to wrong the doctor. The seduction starts with pretending to be sick.When the doctor learned that the widow was sick and went to her house, he didn't know that he was walking into a trap.Even when he walked to the widow's bed and the widow looked at him with demented eyes, he still didn't arouse enough vigilance.The doctor asked her what was wrong with her usual calm tone, and the widow replied that it was a stomachache, and the doctor asked her to pull back a corner of the quilt for examination.What the widow pulled was not a corner of the quilt, but she pushed the quilt aside with her hands and feet, showing her naked body to the doctor.All this sudden, let the doctor panic.He saw a body completely different from his wife's, an extremely strong woman's body.He stammered: "No, you don't need to pull it all away." The widow gave her an order: "you come up." Then the doctor didn't run away, but turned around slowly, and walked out just as slowly.The strong body of the widow made him want to stop. Then the widow sprang up from the bed, and her strength made it easy for her to carry the doctor to the bed.Throughout the whole process, the widow heard the doctor muttering to herself: "I'm sorry for my wife, I'm sorry for my children." The doctor's uninterrupted confession did not stop his behavior, and everything happened as usual.Afterwards the widow told others: "You don't know how shy he is, what a nice guy." Nothing happened between them after that, but for a long time, people in the village could often see the strong widow dressed as a Xinjiang girl, walking around the doctor's house with countless braids, showing off. coquettish.The doctor's wife would sometimes come out to see her, then go in again, and nothing happened.Several times the doctor was blocked by her on that road. From the widow's affectionate smile, what the villagers saw was the doctor running away in embarrassment. One night when I entered the second year of junior high school, Su Yu narrated to me what happened another night with a peaceful expression.The brief entanglement between Su Yu's father and the widow did not cause an uproar at home, it just happened.He remembered that one day his parents came home very late and saw his mother come back after dark. When he and Suhang went up to meet them, his mother ignored them, but took a few clothes from the box and put them in the bag, and then carried them I went out with my bag.Soon after my mother left, my father came back.The father asked them if the mother had come back, and after getting an affirmative answer, the father also went out.They endured hunger and waited until midnight. When their parents still didn't come back, they went to bed.When I woke up the next morning, my parents were already preparing breakfast in the kitchen, as usual. Su Yu's tone of voice that night was obviously disturbed.Sensitive and vulnerable Su Yu, in the days after his father's accident, even if he saw a man and a woman talking intimately together, he would suddenly panic.Although his father's behavior was well concealed by his parents, he gradually understood everything.When he saw the carefree demeanor of his classmates, his envy for them was filled with gratitude to their parents. He never doubted that the parents of his classmates would also have unclean places. He always believed that such scandals would only happen in his own family.他曾经也向我表达了这样的羡慕，虽然他知道我在家中的糟糕处境。他羡慕地望着我的时候，他不知道我父亲孙广才正肩背着我祖母生前使用的脚盆，嘻嘻笑着走入寡妇家中。面对苏宇友好的羡慕，我只能面红耳赤。 高中的最后一年，苏宇生理上趋向成熟以后，他开始难以抵挡欲望的猛烈冲击，其激烈程度与后来升入高中的我不相上下。他对女性的渴望，使他在一个夏天的中午，走向了在我们当初看来是可怕的身败名裂。那个中午他在一条僻静的胡同里，看到一个丰满的少妇走来时，竟然浑身颤抖不已。 那一刻欲望使他失去了控制自己的能力，他昏头昏脑走向那位少妇时，根本不知道自己会抱住她，直到她发出惊恐的喊叫，挣脱以后拚命奔跑，他才渐渐意识到自己刚才干了什么。 苏宇为此付出了惨重的代价，他被送去劳动教养一年。送走的前一天，他被押到了学校操场的主席台上，胸前挂着一块木牌，上面写着—— 流氓犯苏宇 我看到几个熟悉的男女同学，手里拿着稿纸走上台去，对苏宇进行义正词严的批判。 我是很晚才知道这些的。那天上午课间休息，我像往常那样朝苏宇的教室走去时，几个高年级的同学向我喊道。 “你什么时候去探监？” 当时我并不知道这话的意思，我走到苏宇坐的那个窗口，看到郑亮在里面神色严峻地向我招招手。郑亮出来后告诉我： “苏宇出事了。” 然后我才知道全部的事实，郑亮试探地问我： “你恨苏宇吗？” 那时我眼泪夺眶而出，我为苏宇遭受的一切而伤心，我回答郑亮： “我永远不会恨他。” 我感到郑亮的手搭在了我的肩上，我就随郑亮走去。刚才向我喊叫的几个人那时又喊了起来： “你们什么时候去探监？” 我听到郑亮低声说： “别理他们。” 后来我看到苏杭站在操场的西端，正和林文一起，向我的那些同学灌输急功近利的人生观。苏杭丝毫没有因为哥哥出事而显露些许不安，他嗓音响亮地说： “我们他娘的全白活了，我哥哥一声不吭地把女人都摸了一遍。明天我也去抱个女人。” 林文则说：“苏宇已经做过人了，我们都还不能算是做人。” 半个月以后，苏宇被推光了头发站在台上，那身又紧又短的灰色衣服包着他瘦弱的身体，在阴沉的天空下显得弱不禁风。苏宇突然被推入这样的境地，即使早已知道，我依然感到万分吃惊。他低着头的模样使我心里百感交集。我的目光时刻穿越众多的头颅去寻找郑亮的眼睛，我看到郑亮也常常回过头来望着我。那一刻只有郑亮的心情和我是一样的，我们的眼睛都在寻求对方的支援。批斗会结束后，郑亮向我打了手势，我立刻跑了过去。郑亮说：“走”。 那时苏宇已被押下台，他要到街上去游走一圈。很多同学都跟在后面，他们嘻嘻哈哈显得兴奋不已。我注意到了苏杭，不久前对哥哥的出事还满不在乎，那时他却独自一人垂头丧气地走向另一端，显然批斗会的现实给了他沉重打击。游斗的队伍来到大街上时，我和郑亮挤了上去。郑亮叫了一声： “苏宇。” 苏宇像是没有听到似的低着头往前走去，我看到郑亮脸色涨红，一副紧张不安的样子。我也叫了一声： “苏宇。” 叫完后我立刻感到血往上涌，尤其是众多的目光向我望来，我一阵发虚。这一次苏宇回过头来，向我们轻松地笑了笑。 苏宇当初的笑容让我们大吃一惊，直到后来我才明白他为何微笑。那时的苏宇看上去处境艰难，可他却因此解脱了心灵重压。他后来告诉我： “我知道了父亲当时为什么会干出那种事。” 我和郑亮在苏宇出事后的表现，尤其是最后向苏宇道别的喊叫，受到了老师的无情指责，并惩罚我们每人写一份检查。在他们看来，我们对苏宇的流氓行为不仅不气愤，反而给予同情的表现，证明了我们是没有犯罪行为的流氓。有一次放学回家时，我听到了几个女同学在后面对我的评价： “他比苏宇更坏。” 我们坚持不写检查，无论老师如何威胁，当我们见面时，都自豪地告诉对方： “宁死不写。” 不久后郑亮就显露了沮丧的神情，郑亮当时鼻青眼肿的模样使我吃了一惊，他告诉我： “是我父亲打的。” 随后郑亮说： “我写了检查。” 我听了这话十分难受，告诉郑亮： “你这样对不起苏宇。” 郑亮回答：“我也是没办法。” 我转身就走，同时说：“我永远不会写。” 现在想来，我当初的勇敢在于我没有家庭压力。孙广才那时正热衷于在寡妇的雕花木床里爬上爬下，我的母亲在默默无语里积累着对寡妇的仇恨。只有孙光平知道我正面临着什么，那时的孙光平已经寡言少语，就在苏宇出事的那天，我哥哥的脸遭受了那个木匠女儿瓜子的打击。当我遭到高年级同学取笑时，我看到远处的哥哥心事重重地望着我。 我不知道那些日子为何会仇恨满腔，苏宇的离去，使我感到周围的一切都变得那么邪恶和令人愤怒。有时候坐在教室里望着窗玻璃时，我会突然咬牙切齿地盼着玻璃立刻粉碎。 当一个高年级的同学带着挑衅的神态叫住我： “喂，你怎么还不去探监？” 他当时的笑容在我眼中是那样的张牙舞爪，我浑身发抖地挥起拳头，猛击他的笑容。 我看到他的身体摇晃了一下，随后我的脸就遭受了重重一击，我跌坐在地，当我准备爬起来时，他一脚蹬在我胸口，一股沉闷的疼痛使我直想呕吐。这时我看到一个人向他猛扑过去，可随即这人也被打翻在地，我认出了是苏杭。苏杭在这种时候挺身而出，使我不由一怔。从地上爬起来的苏杭又扑了过去，这次苏杭抱住了他的腰，两人滚倒在地。苏杭加入鼓舞了我的斗志，我也迅速扑了上去，拚命按住他乱蹬的腿，苏杭则按住他的两条胳膊。我在他腿上咬了一口后，苏杭又在他肩膀上咬了一口，疼得他嗷嗷乱叫。然后我和苏杭互相看了一眼，也许是因为激动，我们两人都哭了起来。在那个下午，我和苏杭响亮地哭泣着，用头颅捶打那个高年级同学被按住的身体。 因为苏宇的缘故，我和苏杭开始了短暂的友谊。苏杭手握一把打开的小刀，和我一起杀气腾腾地在学校里走来走去，他向我发誓：谁要再敢说一句苏宇的坏话，他就立刻宰了那个人。 也许是时过境迁，没人会长久地去记着苏宇，我们没再受到挑衅，从而也没再得到巩固我们友谊的机会。总之当我们凶狠地对待这个世界时，这个世界突然变得温文尔雅了。是仇恨把我和苏杭联结在一起，仇恨一旦淡漠下去，我和苏杭的友谊也就逐渐散失。 不久之后，曹丽和音乐老师的私情也被揭发出来。曹丽对成熟男子的喜爱，使她投入了音乐老师的怀抱。我当初得到这一消息时简直目瞪口呆，我不能否认自己埋藏很深的不安，尽管自卑早已让我接受这样的事实，即我根本配不上曹丽，可她毕竟是我曾经爱慕并且依然喜爱着的女性。 曹丽为此写下了一份很厚的交待材料，当初数学老师看完后，在楼梯上笑容古怪地交给了语文老师。正在抽烟的语文老师显得迫不及待，他在楼梯上就打开看了起来，他看得两眼发直，连香烟烧到手指上都全然不觉，只是哆嗦了一下将烟扔到了地上。然而当苏杭从后面悄悄凑过去时，他竟然还能发现苏杭，他嘴里哎哎嗯嗯地发出一串乱七八糟的声音，去驱赶苏杭。 苏杭只看到了一句话，可使他整个下午都兴致勃勃。他油腔滑调地将那句告诉所有他遇上的人，他也告诉了我，他说： “我坐不起来了。”随后他眉飞色舞地向我解释：“这是曹丽写的。你知道是什么意思吗？曹丽那东西开封啦。” 整整两天，“我坐不起来了”这句话在众多的男同学嘴里飘扬着，那些女同学则以由衷的笑声去迎接这句话。与此同时，在教师办公室里，化学老师作为一位女性，对曹丽写下如此详细的材料，表达了毫不含糊的气愤，她将那一叠材料抖得沙沙直响，恼怒地说： “她这不是在放毒吗？” 而那些男老师，已经仔细了解了曹丽和音乐老师的床上生涯，一个个正襟危坐，以严肃的目光一声不吭地望着化学老师。 那天放学的时候，接受老师审查以后的曹丽，向校门走去时镇静自若。我注意到她脖子上围了一块黑色的纱巾，纱巾和她的头发一起迎风起舞，她微微仰起的脸被寒风吹得红润透明。 那时候以苏杭为首，一大群男同学都聚集在校门口等待着她，当她走近以后，他们就齐声喊叫： “我坐不起来了。” 当时我就站在不远处，我看着曹丽走入他们的哄笑，然后我看到了她锋利的个性。她在他们中间站住，微微扭过头来厉声说道： “一群流氓。” 我的那群同学当时竟鸦雀无声了，显然他们谁都没有料到曹丽会给予这样的回击。直到她远远走去了，苏杭才第一个反应过去，他朝曹丽的背影破口大骂： “你他娘的才是流氓，你是流氓加泼妇。” 接着我看到苏杭一脸惊讶地对同伴们说： “她还说我们是流氓。” 音乐老师被送进了监狱，五年后才获得自由，但他被发配到了一所农村中学。曹丽和别的女同学一样，后来嫁人生了孩子。音乐老师至今独自一人，住在一间破旧的房子里，踩着泥泞的道路去教那些乡下孩子唱歌跳舞。 几年前我返回家乡，汽车在一个乡间小站停靠时，我突然看到了他。昔日风流倜傥的音乐老师已经衰老了，花白的头发在寒风里胡乱飘起。他穿着一件陈旧的黑色棉大衣，大衣上有斑斑泥迹，他和一群乡下人站在一起，唯有那块围巾显示了他过去的风度，从而使他与众不同。那时他正站在一家热气腾腾的包子铺前，十分文雅地排着队。事实上只有他一个人在排队，所有的人都在往前挤，他则挺着身体站在那里，我听到他嗓音圆润地说： “请你们排队。” 苏宇苏动教养回来后，我见到他的机会就少了。那时郑亮高中已经毕业，苏宇经常和郑亮在一起。我只有在晚上进城才能见到苏宇，我们在一起时依然和过去一样很少说话，可我渐渐感到苏宇对我的疏远。他说话的声调还是有些羞怯，但他对话题的选择已不像过去那么谨慎。他会直截了当地告诉我，他当时抱住那个少妇时的感受，苏宇说这话时脸上流露出了明显的失望，那一瞬间他突然发现，实际的女性身体与他想象中的相去甚远，他告诉我： “和我平常抱住郑亮肩膀时差不多。” 苏宇当初目光犀利地望着我，而我则是慌乱地扭过脸去。 我不能否认苏宇这话刺伤了我，正是苏宇这句话，使我对郑亮产生了嫉妒。 后来我才明白过来，当初的责任在于我。苏宇回来以后，我从不向他打听那里的生活，担心这样会伤害苏宇。恰恰是我的谨慎引起了他的猜疑。他几次有意将话题引到那上面，我总是慌忙地躲避掉。直到有一个晚上，我们沿着河边走了很久以后，苏宇突然站住脚问我： “你为什么从来不问我劳教时的生活？” 苏宇的脸色在月光里十分严峻，他看着我让我措手不及。 然后他有些凄楚地笑了笑，说道： “我一回来，郑亮马上就向我打听了，可你一直没问。” 我不安地说：“我没想到要问。” 他尖锐地说：“你心里看不起我。” 虽然我立刻申辩，苏宇还是毅然地转过身去，他说： "I'm leaving." 看着苏宇躬着背在河边月光里走去时，我悲哀地感到苏宇是要结束我们之间的友情。这对我来说是无法接受的，我走了上去，告诉他我在村里晒场上看电影时，捏一个姑娘的事。我对苏宇说： “我一直想把这事告诉你，可我一直不敢说。” 苏宇的手如我期待的那样放到了我的肩上，我听到他的声音极其柔顺地来到耳中： “我劳教时，总担心你会看不起我。” 后来我们在河边的石阶上坐下来，河水在我们脚旁潺潺流淌。我们没有声音地坐了很久，苏宇说： “有句话我要告诉你。” 我在月光下看着苏宇，他没有立刻往下说，而是仰起了脸，我也抬起头来，我看到了斑斓的夜空，月亮正向一片云彩缓缓地漂去，我们宁静地看着月亮在幽深的空中漂浮，接近云彩时，那块黑暗的边缘闪闪发亮了，月亮进入了云彩。苏宇继续说： “就是前几天告诉你的，我抱住女人时的感受棗” 苏宇的脸在黑暗里模糊不清，但他的声音十分明朗。当月亮钻出云彩时，月光的来到使苏宇的脸蓦然清晰，他立刻止住话题，又仰起脸看起了夜空。 月亮向另一片云彩靠近过去，再度钻入云层后，苏宇说道： “其实不是抱住郑亮的肩膀，是抱住你的肩膀，我当时就这样想。” 我看到苏宇的脸一下子明亮起来，月光的再次来到让我看清了苏宇生动的微笑。苏宇的微笑和他羞怯的声音，在那个月光时隐时现的夜晚，给予了我长久的温暖。