Chapter 5 Section five

Xiao Chaoying also drank too much, his face was as free as paper, fine beads of sweat hung on the tip of his nose and his forehead, and he was also sweating unceasingly. After taking off his coat, the back of his shirt was soaked.He opened his bloodshot eyes and kept saying: "It's fine if you don't go, it's fine if you don't go." "It's fine if you don't leave..." I restrained my dizziness and nausea and stood up, and shouted at Du Mei: "Have you cooked your noodles yet? Why are you so slow!" She didn't even start, and stirred the noodles in the pot with chopsticks Noodles swirling inside.

I opened the door and went out, vomited in the toilet for a while, flushed the dirt, wiped my mouth and walked back, holding on to the door frame and trying to smile at them. At night, when it was dark, Du Mei turned on the light. The three of us were still sitting dumbfounded, and hadn't eaten a few mouthfuls of the three bowls of noodles on the table. "Come back. Come back." I said to Xiao Chaoying, "Let's start a company together when we come back." "Okay," Xiao Chaoying stared at a bouquet of silk flowers in a vase, "Should be able to make money?" "Should!" Pan Youjun spoke expressionlessly.

"Hey," Du Mei walked over with a straight face, "Shouldn't you guys leave? It's getting late, and if you don't go back, your family should be anxious." She has been wrestling on one side for a long time, and we are unresponsive after drinking. "It's okay," Pan Youjun said, "My wife and the boss are on a business trip to Shanghai, so it doesn't matter if we don't go back overnight." "But we have to rest, and we have to go to work tomorrow. I'm really sorry, let's play again on another day." Pan Youjun and Xiao Chaoying watched I, I couldn't hold back my face, and said to Du Mei: "Go, go, don't worry about it, we know when it's time to leave."

"Know what? What time is it? You're not in good health. You've drank so much wine and chatted all day, but you still haven't talked enough?" I was furious: "Why are you so ignorant?" "Forget it, let's go." Xiao Chaoying stood up. "Don't go, if you want to go, go." I pointed to Du Mei. "Please, please go, okay? I really have a headache, I feel so uncomfortable, and I want to sleep..." At this moment, my head suddenly felt hot, like something suddenly burst into pieces, and the shirt was broken. The buttons were also pulled off, and when he stood up, turned around and swung round, a big slap was stuck firmly on Du Mei's face.Then he yelled:

"You are too ignorant! Boom my buddy. How many years have we not seen each other? Tell you, if you want to get out, get out, we didn't have you when we were together!" Du Mei was stunned by my slap on the house, covered her face and looked at me in surprise: "You hit me?" Beat up!" I was so angry that I trembled all over, and apologized to Xiao and Pan: "I'm sorry, my wife is not well-bred." Xiao Chaoying severely criticized me: "How can you beat your wife? You are too much." Pan Youjun also sobered up, and said repeatedly: "You are so wrong, you will make it impossible for us to come to the house in the future."

At this time, Du Mei burst into tears, and rushed over: "I'm jealous of you." I slapped her back to the bed with one mouth. Xiao Chaoying grabbed me and shouted sharply: "You don't want to stop!" "You hit me?" I looked at Xiao Chaoying, and my eyes turned red. "You are not allowed to hit people, understand? You are not allowed to hit people!" Xiao Chaoying was also very excited. After a moment of stalemate, he let go of my wrist, picked up my coat, and said to Du Mei, "I'm sorry, it's all our fault. Pan Youjun, let's go."

As soon as he stepped out the door, he suddenly cried, turned around and cried to me and said, "How can you hit someone casually? Don't you have something to say?" Then he left crying. Du Mei cried all night, I didn't say a word, and I didn't sleep. After that, we went to work as usual, cooked, ate, and slept, but we didn't say a word to each other, and we didn't even look at each other. A ghost or two shadows are blind to each other.The cross talk and humorous skits in the movies can’t make us smile, and even the tragedies that are absolutely tear-jerking we are always indifferent from the beginning to the end, and the faces we appear in front of each other are always expressionless.

Our family is in a state of cold war. I told myself repeatedly: endure, endure, endure for another 5 minutes.But I couldn't bear it.My boss has been pacing behind me all afternoon, his leather shoes with iron soles rattling rhythmically like donkey feet on the concrete floor.He also hung a small blackboard on the wall behind me. Whenever he thought of an idea, he would write a few strokes with chalk. There was a layer of chalk on the desk. He has been doing this not for a day or two, but for years and months. I have been enduring it. I think I will get used to it eventually, but I can’t get used to it. I always feel a fire burning in my heart, like a pile of The flames in the ashes were blown continuously by the wind, and finally rekindled.This damned little clerk, who was born in a peaceful life, only looks at the wind and pretends to be a leading cadre, like a guy with fat meat pretending to be a cream, actually spraying hairspray on his hair fucking!I stood up and shouted at him loudly: "You don't want to walk around here, okay!" My sudden movement surprised him, and he blinked and looked at me: "I'm hindered by walking here." What's wrong with you?" All the drowsy colleagues in the office also raised their heads and looked at us silently. "Annoyance! No matter whether it hinders me or not, you are not allowed to walk here. You want to take a walk on the street." "Oh, it's strange."

He forced a calm smile, took a step back and looked at the ground and said, "This is not your home, this is a public place, how about I walk around?" "You are not allowed to go, there is no reason." "Hey, hey, it's strange." He looked at everyone with a dry smile. "It's inexplicable!" "Stop talking nonsense, don't leave if you are not told, and stay where you should. It's not like there are no chairs for you in the office." "You're being unreasonable..." "Yes, I'm being unreasonable today—— You go one step further and try. ""What's the matter with you today?Why are you so angry? "Seeing that no one in the office showed up to express righteous indignation, and echoed him, he changed into a look of concern, and adults are not blamed by villains." Is there any discomfort? "

"I don't feel uncomfortable, just seeing you is annoying! It's not a day or two to tell you that you are annoying, so stay away from me!" I waved at him and sat down angrily, not looking at him. He smiled embarrassedly, and stood still: "Don't do this, you can give me any suggestions." "It's so fucking annoying! So fucking crooked!" I turned my face and looked out the window and cursed fiercely. "Why are you swearing?" he snapped. "I've scolded you, I've scolded you," I turned my face and shouted at him, "I'll scold you!"

The gloss on his face seemed to be mixed with other neutral pigments and disappeared in an instant. He walked away like a young boy who lost his temper on the stage. I didn't feel any better from scolding this innocent, and to be fair, old man.After get off work, I wander the streets.The street is full of bright melons and fruits and attractive young girls, but all these can't make me desire, the thriving and bustling noise on the street makes people feel depressing.I didn't know what I was going to do, I didn't want to go anywhere or meet people.Nothing interested me.I felt numb, like being stabbed by a silver needle in a certain acupuncture point, and my whole body was paralyzed. I didn't take it seriously when someone bumped into me.I believe that there is a place for me in this world, just like I used to believe that there is a person waiting for me, but I don't know how to get there, maybe I have missed it. I'm serious and traditional at heart, but there's nothing I can take seriously.I've chosen myself to be disappointed.I did my best and everything was zero.Others think this is love, but no matter what, they can't convince themselves that it is love.Seeing everything fit together and thinking about the cracks that have been there since day one. It may be another misunderstanding, and it may never end. I always feel that I owe something, and I know in my heart that I have never received it, and the suspicion hurts everyone.I wandered the streets until late at night, when the crowd dispersed and the cars were dormant, leaving only the neon lights along the way.When I went back to the courtyard, it was pitch black, Du Mei was probably asleep too, and the lights in the room were turned off.I gently took out the key to open the door, and the door was locked.I knocked on the door, but there was no movement inside. I knocked louder and louder, but there was no response from inside.Then I started kicking at the door, violently and savagely.The neighbors were alarmed. Lights poured out from a door. They opened the door and turned their heads, then closed the door again with a grunt. "If you don't open the door, I'll kick the door open." I was lucky enough to kick it out, kicked in vain, and strode into the room with a big stride, almost causing a big split on the ground.In the dark, I heard the sound of her running to bed and getting under the covers and her low laughter.I turned on the light, and she lay in bed looking at me peacefully, wrapping herself tightly with the quilt. "Who made you come back so late? I thought you weren't coming back." She spoke to me.I looked at her, feeling a faint pain between my feet and crotch. "What do you think I'm doing?" She raised her face provocatively, "Don't you have the ability to ignore me? Leave me alone for the rest of your life." I took a step towards her.She immediately said: "If you dare to touch me again, I will call out everyone in the courtyard." "If I don't move you, why should I move you?" I sat down on the sofa. "Don't make trouble, I've had enough. Get up and let's talk." "Don't talk about it, what's there to talk about?" She wrapped herself in the quilt and turned back. "If you don't talk about it, then I'll talk about it. It's meaningless to keep making trouble like this. Now that I think about it, it's not entirely your responsibility. We were a little careless when we got married..." She turned over quickly, and the quilt was loosened: "What do you mean?" "It's not interesting." I said calmly, "I think our personalities are too incompatible, it's not about you, my personality is not good either. It's not good to get along like this anymore, it's better to separate..." "Oh," she sat cross-legged on the bed and stared at me: "You want to divorce me? " "I mean separate first..." "Don't be hesitant!" "Yes. I want a divorce." My attitude also became firm, "It's not good for anyone to continue like this, and you are to blame. I don't want the house and furniture, everything belongs to you." "Is there someone out there?" "No, whatever you think." "You want me to agree?" "Well, it's easy to talk about it, we are all educated people..." "No, I don't agree." She lifted the quilt and dropped to the ground barefoot, slipping on her slippers as if she was going to do something, but she didn't know what to do, and stood by the bookcase in a daze. "It's useless if you don't agree. I'm not here to ask for your consent, but to inform you personally." "Snap" she threw a pair of small porcelain figurines on the bookcase to the ground and smashed them, and then swept all the way to remove the All her favorite knick-knacks: tricolor horses, stuffed ducklings, porcelain lying pigs, perpetual stainless steel formulas and mirrors, small clocks, my butane pump, tea leaves, throat lozenges, and that vase all returned to the ground, Swinging in a mess, he turned his head and stared at me angrily: "Divorce, let's leave, that's all." She began to take out books from the bookcase and tear them one by one. "It's all smashed, it's all torn, it's okay anyway." "These things are all yours." I reminded her. "You're destroying your own stuff now." "I don't want it!" she yelled at me with wide-eyed eyes. "Then you can do whatever you want." I avoided the mess on the ground, walked towards the door, and kicked away the coffee table blocking the way. "Let's talk another day, wait for you to calm down." "Don't go!" she shouted from behind. A bottle of "Guozhen" flew over from behind and smashed on the door, shattering with a "smack", splashing a burst of choking orange powder smoke.My nose was not my nose, my face was not my face, I turned around and yelled, "What are you doing?" She smiled, and "snapped" a lighter in her hand to light the flame: "If you want to leave, I'll light this one." "Who are you scaring? Light it if you dare." Without saying a word, she sat on the bed, lifted the corner of the sheet and ignited it with a lighter. I rushed over and pushed her down on the bed, putting out the fire with my hands.She giggled and lit the pillowcase with a lighter.I grabbed her up and snatched the lighter from her hand: "You're crazy!" She wrapped her arms around my waist and hugged me tightly: "If you want to leave, I will die." I smacked her fingers hard: "Why do you have to? It's not like who can't live without you." "I can't live without you." She reluctantly let go and hugged me even tighter. I have known for a long time that women have amazing power, and this time I have more experience.She was tightly wrapped around my waist like a steel cable, her two arms almost strangling into my flesh. "You strangled my waist." "Then do you still want to go?" "Okay, okay, I won't go tonight, please let me go." I rubbed my strangled flesh, staggered to the side, and shouted at her anxiously: "What are you doing? Who are you looking for? Who are you looking for? Ouch, I sprained my waist." "Let me see." "Go, go aside!" I avoided her in disgust. "What the hell are you doing?" "Nothing," she said calmly, "I won't let you go." "What's the point of detaining me?" I sat down on the sofa and complained full of complaints: "What's so good about me? I have no money, no skills, average looks, eccentric personality, and hepatitis B virus. Or, why don't you leave me and find a better one?" "No." She said. "I have fallen in love with you, I have fallen in love with you, no matter how many faults you have, I will not dislike you, no matter how good others are, I will not look down on you." "Stupid! Stupid!" "It's stupid, it's stupid—because I love you." "Oh——" My whole body paralyzed as if being bound, and love here turned into a naked threat. "I love you, so I won't let you go." "You love me, but you didn't ask me if I loved you?" "I don't care if you love me or not, I love you anyway." What kind of logic is this! "I used my fist forehead, then thought about it, and asked her: "You said you love me, do you understand me?" " "Know." "Know what? I don't even know myself. You've been blind from the start." It's like being knocked unconscious with a stick. Only after waking up and staying for a while can I realize what happened, feel a splitting headache, and realize how serious the injury is. Du Mei burst into tears, and said as she cried: "From the beginning, I was not blind, but I really fell in love with you. I thought you were good, and you were good to me. Who said I didn't know you? I just knew you, and you were the same at that time." If you really love me, don’t deny it now.” "Okay, okay, don't cry all the time, you're not a three-year-old kid. Even if I loved you back then, if I treat you like this to me, can I still love you?" "What have I done to you? Even if I love to quarrel with you sometimes, it's someone else... Didn't he admit his mistakes to you every time in the end? I didn't say I was right." Her words made me laugh I have no words to say, pointing to the ground: "Look at you smashing things here, does this house still look like a house?" "I pick what I smash, I sweep, and I buy again." I couldn't bear to see her standing there in her thin underwear, sobbing and sobbing. "Okay, don't cry." She cried more and more aggrieved. "Okay, don't cry anymore!" I raised my voice and shouted: "Don't cry anymore!" Her crying became quieter and stopped, and she was still crying, because she couldn't help it even though she was silent, her face was still crying. "Bring the dustpan, clean up the floor." I bent down to pick up the two halves of the broken horse, and picked up a torn book. Sniffing, she took a dustpan and a broom and swept the debris away. I picked up the little clock with a broken glass cover, put it to my ear and listened: "It's still going." Du Mei said with a broom nose: "Tomorrow I will take it out to change a watch cover." ""Don't make trouble with us anymore." Du Mei leaned into my arms and whispered, "I'm really scared if this continues." "I will definitely treat you well in the future, and I will never make you unhappy again. "Get up the next morning, she said again.She went out early on Sunday morning, and when I woke up, I was lying on the bed alone, and the autumn sunshine outside the window shone on my face, and there was a warmth, which made me wonder.I think about my future, and I wish I could manipulate fate. There was the clucking of chickens in the hallway, followed by exclamations and the sound of running footsteps.From my window I saw a group of neighbor's kids catching a bloody Lynn's chicken.Then Du Mei appeared in sight, holding a bright kitchen knife, fluttering around in the grass, followed the children around a tree and looked up, then swarmed into the depths of the bush and disappeared.A moment later, she came out of the bushes with leaves and grass clippings stuck to her head, still holding the spotless kitchen knife, with a disappointed expression. It turned out that she was ambitious and wanted to kill a chicken, but she ran away because of the heavy responsibility of the chicken.Run away and run away, it hit us to eat other meat. "I reassure. She was still very disappointed, and muttered to herself that she was stupid: "The knife didn't cut the place, the hand was soft, and the head should be cut off first." She took a bottle of expensive "Langjiu" and said that she bought it for me. "Don't you like to drink? Drink good wine." In fact, I don't like sauce-flavored wine, including "Moutai". The overly strong aroma makes me sick, especially the aftertaste.But I didn't say anything, I picked up the bottle of wine and looked at it to express my appreciation.I suggested we go out for a meal, and she was delighted.We've rarely eaten out since we got married, and maybe that's one of the reasons our relationship seems less romantic now.We opened the papers to see what movies were playing in the street, and went to a vaunted picture or two before dinner. We all want to spice up our lives.I even went to concerts with her, and we, like most people, blindly believe that Western music is something highbrow.In general, we can only accept softer small violins and pianos. It was an unfortunate day.The entire concert is composed of opera excerpts. Nevertheless, we listened carefully.As the soprano lingered ostentatiously in her high register, I noticed Dumay close her eyes.At first I thought she couldn't bear it, and then found that she was deeply moved, and when she opened her eyes, her eyes were filled with tears. I believe this is not due to the infection of singing. She knows nothing of Italian like me. It must be the plot that makes her feel sorry. It is an aria from "Madame Butterfly".Thinking about it this way, I also feel that the melody is exciting. After that, no matter what the fat men and women who were waiting for the stage were singing, we were all immersed in the same emotion and couldn't extricate ourselves, even if we were singing an operetta like "The Marriage of Figaro". In fact, we are no longer listening, but just dreaming in a pleasant atmosphere, like lying on the waves, and the gorgeous scene in front of us can make us seem to be attracted so as to escape the embarrassment of unreasonable melancholy. When watching a popular feature film that can only be said to be made up, Du Meisuo whimpered and cried aloud. At that time, the heroine's bad luck was just beginning to emerge, and the women who watched the movie with handkerchiefs were still calm. Ziruo, she was the first to cry. When the heroine comes to the end of bitterness and enjoys wealth and wealth, and all the crying women in the movie theater are laughed at by tears, she is still crying. At the end of the show, she was the red-eyed one among the group of red-eyed rabbits. I know what makes her so emotional, but I can't comfort her.I've tried my best to be kind to her.After that night, we never quarreled again and treated each other as guests. Whenever there was a sign of a dispute in the conversation, one party would stop, stop talking, or simply go along with the other party.We go in and out together, and the husband sings and the wife follows, which is enviable.If I hadn't resolutely and almost rudely refused, the neighborhood committee would have almost recommended me to run for the city's "Top Ten Good Husbands." Du Mei never smiled at me until I gave her the same smile before continuing to do other things with confidence.Even in the process of making love, she did not forget to cast me a smile on time.We have visited Pan Youjun's house a few times, his traitorous wife is so contrived that it's disgusting, she always shows how close she is to Pan Youjun in front of us, no matter how narrow a chair is, she will squeeze in with him sit down— That's at her house!No matter how small a piece of food is, such as half an apple, you should feed each other like a bird.It is no exaggeration to say that she called Pan Youjun just like Song Meiling called Mr. Jiang: "Da Ling." I won't say anything about the fact that she only drinks instant coffee and sour wine at her house.She can crunch ice cubes when she drinks and you can tell her teeth have been trained so hard since eating. What I can't stand is that she has an accent when she speaks.A genuine local girl with a single vocabulary in Chinese who can only say: "It's very interesting." Du Mei admired her very much.Of course she wasn't vulgar enough to like brandy and Picasso.She only envied that she could show love so openly.When I criticized her for being airy and effeminate, she defended her: "That's how women are, when you love someone, you really love them. Only men think it's too much." "It's not called love, it's called acting, and it's for others to see." I retorted her. "You have to show something, otherwise how can people know?" On this point, she has always been stubborn. "Don't say, don't do, how do I know you love me?" "But even if you say and help, it doesn't necessarily prove who loves whom. Playboys and sluts are the best at this set." "I'd rather be coaxed by a person's sweet talk for a while, than be silent for a lifetime, even if he loves the most in his heart." Sometimes she also imitated Pan Youjun's wife, and came over timidly and sat on my lap. I didn't push her away and didn't speak. After sitting for a while, she walked away bored.She often had nightmares at night, and I was often awakened by her twitching and moaning, and shaking her desperately, she woke up terrified from the nightmare. She loved to tell me about the dreams she had that frightened her.They were wild, surreal dreams, many of them in Europe.One of the memories I have is that she led an armed uprising in the Czech Republic at the end of World War II.Who doesn't know about the rebellion, anyway, it's some men in woolen coats and automatic guns.After the failure of the uprising, she was hunted down in the city and was shot several times without dying. She crawled out from the pile of corpses, and then found the remaining team and retreated to Germany with the retreating German army.I was exhausted when I crossed the Alps, and there were many people from their hospital in the team, including Jia Ling.It was easy to retreat to the German border, and France on the other side of the border had been liberated. Stallon led a group of brothers on patrol, and when he spotted her, the machine gun swept over.Panting and running up the mountain again, she thought: No, I have to rebel.But Jia Ling and the others still showed a fearless look of persevering to the end.Then I woke up and went back to China. Another dream is that a group of leather jacket gangs murdered and set fire to the city, lawless.She was so lost in the street that she tried desperately to run back to the yard where the guard was standing, but the gates were closed, so she had to find a place to climb over the wall.After finally entering the courtyard, she found that the atmosphere in the courtyard was very gloomy. The dean and political commissar muttered, and she immediately understood that they wanted to cooperate with each other.So thinking of the safety of my home, I wanted to go home, but I couldn't find my home in the dark corridor, and I opened a door, no, no, no, I opened a door, it was full of armed bandits who were plotting.She suddenly realized that she had gone to the wrong place, and her home was in another house outside the window.She jumped out of the window and ran to another house.As soon as she entered the door, she found that she had entered the gangster's headquarters, and it was too late to run away. She was so shot that she couldn't open her eyes... Countless people were pressing on her, making her breathless. I never appear in her dreams. Once, in extreme fear, she looked for me in a dream, but she couldn't find me everywhere.Nobody told her where I was.There were a few people who looked like me on the street. She had identified the wrong person, and those men grabbed her and tried to moles her.I have to tell her where I am after all this.She said yes to some of them, but they still wouldn't tell her where I was afterward.Her blood flowed on the bed, and even the quilt was stained.She took off the quilt and sheets without a sound, soaked in cold water, rubbed it with her hands little by little until it was completely washed.When she was in pain, her face was pale, her waist was hunched, her teeth were clenched and her eyes were closed, she lay motionless on the bed, as if she couldn't survive this ordeal. At this time, I just sat quietly and watched her, not making a sound all day long.I drink every night, no matter what kind of alcohol, as long as it is enough.She first took a few sips with me, fearing that I drank too much, so she drank the rest by herself.Later she drank it herself.It was often the two of us who drank a bottle of baijiu casually.Then they stared at each other with red eyes, went to bed drunk, and fell asleep drowsily before eight o'clock.Just like in a fairy tale, two greedy people dug up the treasure in the ground and found a human skeleton. Although they buried it quickly, and even planted trees and flowers on it, both of them knew clearly in their hearts that what was buried underneath was what.Seeing trees and flowers, what I think about is the skeleton in the ground. "Since when did you not love me?" In the middle of the night, she suddenly asked. I didn't speak. "Is it that time I slammed your friend?" She said to herself, "Or that time after I scolded you for not being able to make as much money as me?" "Okay, you go to sleep, what are you thinking about?" "Even earlier, you didn't love me after I ran out at night and lost my temper with you in front of many people? You didn't love me from the beginning, did you?" "Of course not, I still love you now." "Don't lie to me, I know." She said calmly, "I can feel that you don't love me a long time ago." "Then why am I still with you now?" "That's because you're afraid of hurting me, afraid that something will happen to me, which means you still loved me." "..." "I won't always pester you." She said after a while, "Don't worry, I only want you to give me three more years, give me your best three years, and after three years I will let you Let's go, divorce you." "Stop talking nonsense. I don't think about anything." "Three years, just three years, I will be content with three years." She murmured. Later that month, Pan Youjun got divorced. That day, Du Mei and I came out from my parents' house as guests and stopped by to see them. Du Mei borrowed a beauty book from Youjun's wife and wanted to return her. When they arrived at the entrance of their building, they saw a truck parked on the side of the road, and several men carried furniture and electrical appliances from the building to the truck. When I went upstairs, I realized that the furniture had been moved out of their house.Pan Youjun and his wife were both there, and Pan Youjun also told the workers: "Don't touch the refrigerator, the refrigerator is mine." Seeing us, he came up to meet us.I asked him if he was moving.He said, "Where is it, divorced, we are divorced." I thought he was joking, but I didn't believe it yet.He said he really left.He also turned his head and asked his wife to confirm, "Did you leave?" The woman turned her head to see us and confirmed, "It's Lie." She also smiled at Du Mei.Although I have opinions about this woman, I still feel sudden. "How do you say to leave?" "If you don't say leave, you will leave. We are not like those ordinary people, we have to fight for a few years." Pan Youjun said indifferently, "Don't you also hate her? I hate her even more. Her." Then he added: "She has already been outside." At this moment, the woman came over and asked Pan Youjun, "Where's my big bottle of French perfume?" "I don't know," Pan Youjun shook his head, "I didn't see it." "Despicable!" The woman gave Pan Youjun a glance, turned and walked away. Pan Youjun smiled and said to me, "I stole several things from her, and she still has something missing later." The woman talked to Du Mei, wrote her her phone number and new address, and asked Du Mei to find her in the future. She went to play.That beauty book was given to Du Mei. Pan Youjun said to me: "You can also come to play with me in the future, it's quiet here. Marriage is boring, now I'll tell whoever I catch. Fortunately, I didn't have children at the time, and now it seems that this point is quite wise. "He joked with me again:" You can leave too, and later persuade Xiao Chaoying to leave too, we bachelors live together, Duo Leer. " Seeing Du Mei turn around, he changed his tone again and said sincerely: "Don't listen to me, you can stay or stay, if you can get along, get along. You don't know how hurtful a divorce is, even though we both A person who can think about it." When I got home, I kept silent, and Du Mei was also lazy.It was obvious that she was more frightened than I was. The next day, I was standing in front of the window smoking a cigarette while watching a few little girls outside playing with throwing sandbags.She spoke aside and said: "Are you envious?" I glanced at her and ignored her. "I'm so envious that people can leave as soon as they say so. Do you think I'm a cunning, not as easy-talking as Pan Youjun's wife?" "You know what. Pan Youjun's wife already has someone outside." "Are you short of someone outside?" "Do you want to quarrel with me again? Don't make trouble for nothing." "Don't dare to speak out if you have something to say, it's worse if you're lame in your heart. Look at Pan Youjun, he's a man, he's brave enough to act." "I don't have the energy to quarrel with you." I left the window and sat on the sofa. She followed again: "Is it annoying to look at me? You don't even like to quarrel with me anymore. Keep your energy and use it with others." "What's wrong with you deliberately looking for a recommendation? Pan Youjun and his wife divorced, why are you angry at me?" "You are all good guys, you are not good!" Du Mei said angrily, "I have seen through it, it is all fake, no The same is true." "You just know." I sneered. "Yes, I just found out, is it too late?" She sat down across from me and said sharply, "Tell me when are you going to divorce me?" "You really want to leave?" "I really want to." "But I don't want to leave with you." I turned my head. "Then you should be nice to me!" She puffed her chest out and said angrily, "Don't be yin and yang all day long, like a dead person, who will show this grievance?" "What's your name? What kind of wild things are you doing? Do you want to smash your home again?" "It's nothing difficult." She pointed at me with red eyes, "Say boy, don't mess with me. I cried too many times for you, I have never cried like this in my life-just for you! "You are really capable. You are almost as good as a three-year-old child. You look so uncute. Look in the mirror and see what you have become." "Don't be mad at me, don't be mad at me, did you hear that?" Her lips trembled, and the muscles of her cheeks also howled, and suddenly she bent down and yelled at me, "Don't be mad at me!" "You Torture me, deliberately torture me, and mentally destroy me!" "Overbearing, you are so overbearing! Everything you do is imposed on others, and I don't accept that!" That night we quarreled violently all night, accusing each other fiercely.Shake out all the old sesame seeds and rotten millet, and even say the usual jokes to attack the other party, lest the words are not malicious and cannot stab the other party. "I only loved you, but I found out that I loved you wrong!" "Am I the only one? More than one? Wu Lindong must be counted as one of them. I don't mention those." "You were a hooligan before you knew me!" "Fish look for fish, shrimp look for shrimp, you are not clean." "You dumped things in Guangzhou back then, and reported you to the fucking Public Security Bureau. "You told jokes about the country's leaders behind your back, and if you sue your political department, you can be declared a counter-revolutionary." "What are you? You're a rogue!" "What are you? Little bitch... It would be too ugly for me to scold you." At the end of the quarrel, we cursed everything, like a pair of sworn enemies.We are so familiar with each other, so the blades we stab at each other are extra sharp, and we hit each other hard. Du Mei looked at me with contempt. I feel disfigured.The end result that night: separation.I made a berth for one on the couch--I don't even look at her! I had a deep sense of failure, my honor, my self-respect was gone, like a petty ruler who has been dethroned by a slave rebellion. If I had no feelings for her at all like a prisoner has for his guard, that would be fine.This is not the case. Rather, I feel more like a business owner facing bankruptcy due to poor management. When I really want to break up with her, I feel sad and sad. "You are cowardly, playful and lose one's ambition." Pan Youjun said to me. "Women are like glasses. The prescription is not suitable. If you continue to wear them, you will only damage your vision—even gold-rimmed glasses!" Now I am often with Pan Youjun, spending all day at his house.I babbled about my feelings to him, and this feeling was like a letter with an unknown address, which was sent repeatedly, no matter whether it was registered or delivered, and it was always returned to the sender in the end. "Did you hit your hand?" Pan Youjun smoked a cigarette and talked to me, "It's better to say that you are an honest sender than a township entrepreneur who specializes in manufacturing fake and inferior products. If users don't buy your account, it means you The quality of the products is inferior and the price is high. What about the packaging? The advertisement is as good as asking? Oh, I’m being tricked by you with your eyes closed? The user is God, do you understand?” “I…” I was about to argue when he interrupted me. "Okay, don't advertise it to me, and I don't buy your stuff. I know you man, you belong to that kind of disposable goods, we all belong to it, but what the girl wants to buy is durable consumer goods, so矛盾就产生了。你瞧大凡人家有扔筷子扔碗的，没有扔彩电冰箱的就是这道理。” “你别跟我胡扯了，我这跟你说正经的呢。” “可不就是胡扯么？光棍在一起还不就是胡扯？” “谁光棍？我还没离呢。” “你呀，跟我两个月前一样，就是个怀有二心的丫环，一方面怨活儿累，一方面又贪恋这家给的钱多吃得好。只有两条路，要么老老实实给人家干，要么去他妈的。这老婆我还有一比——记住，将来你要写小说，版权是我的——好比手里这烟。这烟对身体有害是谁都知道的，为什么还有那么多人抽？皆因一口成瘾。除非你真有毅力，除非你得了肺癌。说戒也就戒了。”潘佑军把烟扔在地上，用脚碾灭，站起来伸了个懒腰打了个哈欠说：“改抽白面了。” 我笑，望着他：“叫你一说，什么事都成扯蛋了。”“仔细一想不就是这么回事！”他又坐下，活动着十指。“你瞧我，活得比谁差了？刚离婚时也挺难受，可是哥哥挺过来了。 封锁吧，封锁个十年八年，我们就什么都有了。 " 他信心十足地望着我：“离了，趁早离了。这样老婆也要不得了。还想检举你，这是品质问题呵！你要张不开嘴，我去替你跟她谈。不离不行，想赖没门，咱上边还有各级人民法院呢。”现在和潘佑军四处去玩。没事就到开公司在饭店里包房的朋友那儿坐着，人家谈生意，我们就和朋友手下的姑娘穷逗，到吃饭时间就跟着一起下楼去吃。 打电话，给全国全世界认识的人不管熟不熟都敲电话，胡扯，开玩笑，要不就骗人家说有发财的生意给他做，弄得好几个远在美国和香港的朋友都急匆匆坐飞机赶回了国——电话通了，开口第一句总是：“你猜我是谁？” 有时我们自己在饭店里敞开了玩，游泳、洗桑拿、打保龄球，甚至在外汇商店买进口巧克力和洋酒，都用朋友的卡签单。朋友被闹得直求我们：“你们饶了我吧。” “不饶！”我们振振有词地说，“凭什么就你一人过得好呵？皇上还有三门穷亲戚呢。 你要那么多钱干嘛——干嘛？ " “唉，”朋友叹口气，“有两个离了婚的朋友顶上一个小队的日本兵了。”尽管吃得昂贵，玩得豪华，可我不快乐。也闹也笑，可笑完就像被别人笑了一场。 我每天都回去很晚，每天回去杜梅都没睡。一个人开着所有的灯，坐着听收音机。收听的节目十分芜杂，有时是歌曲有时是京剧有时是新闻。 雪亮耀目的灯光下，她像一个魂儿轻飘飘地没有质感。 她什么也不说，我一回来她就立刻上床睡觉。我知道她畏惧黑夜，每天洗完脸洗完脚就等着屋里再有一个人，才敢上床睡觉。每当看到她这副样子，我心里就有某种坚硬的东西在融化，某种被压抑的东西在复苏。我想对她温柔一点，起码和气一点，可她对我那种不搭不理的态度，又使我望而却步，无从表达。我给过她一个笑脸，可她视而不见。 那天，我们在歌厅认识一两个打扮得很过分的年轻姑娘。她们似乎很为我和潘佑军的风采与口若悬河所吸引。我们坐在一桌喝酒，聊得很放肆。潘佑军公然挑逗她们，她们不以为然，反觉得很刺激。后来我们出门叫了一辆车，把她们带到了潘佑军家。我那个姑娘很温驯，又很会制造气氛，讨男人欢心，正是我想像中的那种令人心满意足的效果。 我甚至对她产生了一点怜借之情。 我不感到羞愧，只是一种沮丧，一份没精打采，连占了点小便宜的感觉都没有，只是觉得无聊，像吃了很多又都吐光了之后那种空虚。第二天早晨，潘佑军和两个姑娘又是留电话又是留地址，约时间再来。我一个人趴在床上，脑子空空如也。后来，在上班的路上，我认为自己是够卑鄙的。 下班后我没再去找潘佑军，直接回家了。 门锁着，杜梅不在家。 我开了门进去，随便弄了点东西吃，坐下看电视。我很久没有真正在这个家呆上一会儿了。我边吃边打量这个家。看着看着发现有些异样，也说不上变化在什么地方，只是觉得和我熟悉的那个家不同了，陌生了。我放下盘子仔细瞅了半天，蓦地发现是那些小织物小绣垫没有了。所有家具、器皿都赤裸裸摆在原处。露出原有的质地、纹路、迭痕和污垢，旧了，粗糙了，狰狞了。这发现使我触目惊心。 “新闻联播”完了，杜梅仍未回来。我坐不住了，出门去院里溜达。天已经暗了，灯光球场开着灯，警卫排的战士在和附近一所中学的校队打篮球，球场边围着很多人在看。 我走过去，在人群中发现贾玲。她扭脸看见我，便出了人群向我走来。“看见杜梅了么？”我问她。 “她一下班就出去了，会不会去她姨家了？”她的脸在暮色中带有几分忧伤。“哪儿和哪儿赛？”“你们怎么了？”她看着我。 “没事，挺好。”“何必闹成这样呢？原来不是挺好？多不容易呀，能凑到一起。”我心中一动，不禁感触，要是杜梅能像贾玲这么善解人意，哪怕脾性随和点，我又何至于…… 我无言地看她一眼，低头走开。 她又回去看球。将近10点钟，杜梅回来了，大概她在外边看见屋里亮着灯，知道我在家，所以一进屋就是满脸凛然之色。 “回来了？”她没理我。“我觉得，我想了又想，咱们应该好好谈谈了。” 她拿了脸盆毛巾和牙具就出了门，把门“哐”地带上，到水房洗漱去了。我耐心地等她。片刻，她端了半盆凉水回来，放在地上，我拿起暖瓶，她一把夺过去，把半暖瓶热水倒进盆里，自己坐在床上，拘起裤腿，开始脱袜子。“你不想跟我谈谈么？” 两只丝袜一前一后扔到我旁边的沙发上。 “你不要认为我对现在这种样子无动于衷无所谓。” 她两只脚把水撩得哗哗响。 “这是干嘛呢？离又不离，谈又不离，谈又不谈，就打算这么耗到哪天耗一辈子么？” 我蓦地立起，喉头一阵哽咽。 这时，她擦着腿慢悠悠地说话了：“噢，你着急了。你怎么不出去玩了？出去玩多开心呀？何必回来跟我着急？” “你别用这种口气，我今天是想跟你好好谈谈。” 她站起来，一步跨过洗脚盆：“这不是你惯用的口气？” 她端起脚盆往外走，我把她拦住。“你就不急？你觉得这样挺好，挺舒服？” “我觉得这样挺好，谁也不管谁，爱干吗干吗，也用不着一天老吵架了。”她出门把水泼在走廊里。 “算了算了。”我站在原地对自己烦躁道，“离了算了，这样也没意思。哎，杜梅，我们还是离了吧。” 杜梅拎着盆进来，把盆“咣朗”一声扔进一摞盆里：“不离，你有本事就让法院判吧。” 你这是折磨谁呢？这么做你自己能得什么好处？ “我跟着她的走动转身。”好玩。 “她说，上床铺开被子拉到肩膀上躺下去。”就想看你难受。 “她躺下后忽地又坐起，冲我大声说：”这回你甭想让我向你认错！ “说完蒙头大睡。”喊——“我哭笑不得地走到沙发前脱衣：”不谈算了。 " 第二天晚上，我正躺在长沙发上就着台灯看书，她下床主动走过来对我说：“我想谈。” 我连忙和下书，坐起来，眉开眼笑：“想谈好呵，坐吧。” 她坐到一边的单沙发上，垂着眼睛问我：“你说咱们的感情还能维持么？”“照目前这个样子，我觉得没必要维持。这些天，我也很痛苦……”我伸手拿了一支烟，看到她诧异的目的，不由尴尬。“呵，我说的是这也是我所不希望看到的。” 她拽过我被子上的毯子盖住自己。“怎么搞到这一步的？”我问她。 她摇头：“不知道。”“当初我和你结婚的时候，我没想到短短几个月后就会变成今天这种样子，当初我以为是个……幸福美满的结局。”说到这里，我动了点感情，眼睛也湿润了。 杜梅察觉到我的情绪变化，向我投来忧郁的一眼。 “我也是。”我接着往下说：“为什么我们总是争吵？为一点小事就吵？和那些平等关系的人我们都不这样，都比较客气，善于容忍。偏偏我们反而互不容忍。” “不知道，不知是怎么回事，别人说什么哪怕冷嘲热讽我都不生气，就对你，我不能容忍你对我一点不好。” “可在一开始，你什么都能忍。” “那不一样，那不同。不单是我，你在那时对我也不像现在这样。那会儿你……那会儿你很温柔。” “我一直就是这样，并没有这会儿和那会儿的区别。我以为你那会儿很欣赏我这点。” “你的意思又是说责任在我了？”她怒气冲冲地反问。 “不是，我是说我们都有责任。” “谁的责任更大一点呢？哪会儿你对我什么样？现在你连多看我一眼都不愿意，我想和你亲热点，可你毫无反应。” “我不愿意结婚后两个人还老是那么酸溜溜的。我有我的感情表达方式。你非逼我那么做我别扭。我有自己的好恶，我有权利按我自己的意愿处事为人，你不能强迫我，这也不代表我一定对你怀有反感。”“可你过去不这样。”她坚持道，“我们刚好的时候，你每天都亲我、抱我，就愿意一天到晚和我在一起，哪怕什么都不干，光呆着。那时候你说想我爱我一点都不难为情，张嘴就来，为什么你现在就觉得这一套酸了？” “根本没有'那时候'！这一切都是你的幻想！”我尖酸刻薄地指出，“你对现实失望，就躲入过去，没有一个过去，你就制造一个过去，在梦呓中把过去想像得无比辉煌，无比灿烂，一方面降以自慰，一方面借此指责我——自欺欺人！” “你连事实都不承认？” “好啦好啦，不争了，再急我们就又吵起来了，就算过去有……”“不是就算，而是就是有！” “就算有，难道你现在还想让我像过去那样：每天对你表忠心，痛哭流涕地跪在你面前，一天八百遍对你说：我爱你我爱你，没有你我就不能活——你烦不烦呀？” “我也没有非说要把这搞成仪式，形成制度。事实是你现在根本不爱我了，不是形，是从心里讨厌我。你为什么这么讨厌我？我哪点对不起你了？” “这不是事实。”“就是事实，别以为别人都是傻瓜，看不出来，我对你还不够好？伺候你你伺候你喝，每天把一切都给你弄得好好的，家里的大小事不都是我在忙，用你操过一点心么？瞧你都胖了，还不满足？你满世界打听打听去，上哪儿找我这么贤慧又能干的老婆？急不得人家说男人全是人家好——你找个潘佑军那样的老婆试试，就你这样的一天和她也过不下去。”“我没有否定你的丰功伟绩，我承担你做了很多事情。话又说回来了，这不是都是你该干的？你是主妇呵，在这个位置上你要不干，每天好吃懒做，走东家串西家，横草不拿竖草不拈油瓶子倒了都不扶——你不能把应该做的算成恩德，你得算丑表功吧？” “我不是想给自己评功摆好。我做这些事是应该，我为你做我也愿意，再苦再累也心甘。人家图什么？不就图你念个好儿，别做了跟没看见一样。可是你呢？倒成冤家了——我寒心！”我倒一下给她说愣了，没词了，一肚子要和她好好理论一番的想法都被风扬了。我只是说：“这是你的逻辑，典型你的逻辑……”“甭管谁逻辑，对不对呀？你不是说说：服从真理。我今天也不是要跟人算账的，目的还是想把这个家维持下去。从你刚才说的话来看，你还是爱我的，对我有感情的，我没说错吧？”“是，当然有感情，这么长时间了。可这个问题十分复杂。”我想了一下，尽管这个话很难说，但我还是决定开诚布公，不要最后又糊涂了事。“我看没什么复杂的。”杜梅又说，“只要感情还在，我们双方又都能从今天起从头做起，重新做起，就不会再出现今天这种情况。”杜梅又很认真地对我说：“我发现一个问题，我们总说'双方'、'双方'，好像是在谈判，其实我们是一家人。” “你还爱我对么？你还爱我对么？”她反复盯着我问。 我发觉当我面对她时我缺乏应有的勇气和坦诚。忽然，我的思路顺了。“这与感情无关，这是两回事，虽然我还爱你但我照样无法忍受。你别打断我听我说完！我承认你对我生活上照顾得很好。给我吃给我跑，婚后比婚前生活水平提高很多，这我不抱怨，瞧，我都胖了。但，我说了你别生气呵，但我不是一个衣食无忧就完事大吉的人。和你在一起，老实说，我精神上感到压抑。”我停下不说了，喝水。 她说：“可是我并没有从精神上管制你，我还是想方设法想创造一个愉快的环境的，没事我们不也常去看电影，听音乐会？”“这是两回事。”“怎么是两回事？我觉得是一回事。你觉得我在思想上不关心你？”“不是！”我直接大声道，“我觉得你在思想上太关心我了！都快把我关心疯了！一天到晚就怕我不爱你，盯贼似地盯着我思想上的一举一动。稍有情绪变化，就疑虑重重，捕风捉影，旁敲侧击，公然发难，穷原间委，醍醐灌顶，寸草不生，一网打尽。杜小姐，你不是对我不好，你是对我太好了！你对我好得简直人粉身碎骨无以回报，而你又不是一个不要求回报的人！”“我没听明白，你这是夸我呢还是骂我呢？” “夸你呢！说你好！你对我情重如山而我使尽浑身解数也只能是高山仰止。你对我的'好'给我造成巨大的精神压力。不客气地讲，你用你的'爱'就象人们用道德杀寡妇一样奴役了我！我那么在乎每天下班回来能捏着小酒盅啃猪蹄子你坐在旁边含情脉脉地指着我？ 我那么在乎冬穿皮夏穿纱那么在乎被窝里有个热身子？向往的是想心所想，为心所为，不赔不嫌，平安周到。 “”我明白了，你是怨我没有给你乱搞的自由。 " “我操……好，好，你要非往这庸俗下流去想我也没办法。唉——有时候真是还不如和没心肝的人混在一起来得痛快。” “我觉得人有点变态。对我好还不行？非得对你恶狠狠的一天打着骂着你才舒坦？” “两回事，不说了。”“我看你也没什么可说的，不通嘛。” “好吧，还是用你可以理解的词句说吧，我不爱你了，我不愿意这么过下去了。” “……”“你别激动。”“我不激动，我没事，眼泪早哭干了。我不相信你的话，你说的不是真心话。我知道，你还是爱我的。” “我说的是真心话。”“不是。”“是！你现在这样已经不能激起我真挚的感情了。” “可你当时选择了我，不能才过了几天就变卦。” “我当然可以变，因为人，你我都在变。” “你认为你当初选中了我就是错的？” “当初选你是对的，现在不选你也是对的。我没卖给你。你不能像……你是什么呀？信仰、国籍、姓名？你给我说一个不能变的东西？性别都不是一成不变了。” “我们的结合是有婚姻做保证的。” “婚姻可以解除，协议可以撕毁，承诺可以推翻。我不喜欢不中意了，一切纸上的东西都是一纸空文。” “就是说，你下决心了，不计后果了？无论我说什么，做什么都无可挽回了？”“我觉得，我确实觉得，我们目前还是分开的好。我们不合适，在很多方面存在分歧，从根本儿上，我们是两种人，继续绑在一起，分歧不但不会缓和，矛盾还会愈演愈烈，最终才是真正的无可挽回。也许分开后，我们冷静了，有了更多的比较和思考，没准将来还会走到一起，起码会成好朋友，人生知己。人生不过百年，最后仍要分手，永世不见，我们不过是提前了5分钟而已。这一生能认识你，我也很幸运，我会到死都想着你的。使我一生中的一段时间有过快乐。能被你这样优秀的姑娘爱过我觉得没白活，很好。希望你对我印象也别太坏，权当是不小心被蛇咬了一口……”说着说着我的语气就开始变得无耻，我完全没料到就象今天晚上我开始谈时根本没想要和她离婚。