Chapter 27 144~147

144 Tan Zongsan was notified at 5:00 p.m. that day to change his cell.There is no separate courtyard.Separate iron gate.No toilet with lid.Double the amount of warm water.There are also no writing desks and warm kerosene lamps.The new cell only has a narrow space of seven square meters.He didn't know where to put his clothes.Especially since he also wrote something.Something that he regards as very precious.After the monitors who had escorted him to the cell had left, he was still holding the small bag, sitting blankly in the dark, unable to recover from the sudden blow for a long time.I don't know if all the spectators have this kind of experience of being "detained or probated or quarantined for review".As long as I have this kind of experience once, I believe that I will definitely remember that under such circumstances, a certain part of a person's nerves will become extremely sensitive and fragile.Is there a trace of gentleness on the interrogator's face or a trace of gentleness is missing, whether he asked a question more or less, whether he raised his head or lowered his head when asking, whether he was listening while listening Whether you made a record or didn’t make a record, when you made a record, did you record it seriously or just ticked it off...even if the dinner was delivered ten minutes earlier or ten minutes later; you will know They are very concerned, and will cause a series of thrilling psychological ripples and emotional shocks.Moreover, several monitors handcuffed him when they brought him here (this had never happened before).When he left later, he didn't remove the handcuffs for him.At first he thought they forgot.He called them. (He thought it was still like the previous stage, and he could even joke with the monitors.) They didn't look back.He thought they hadn't heard.So he called again: "Squad Leader Zhang..." This time, he should have heard it anyway.Because the footsteps of "Squad Leader Zhang" suddenly stopped, and he turned his head and glanced at him at a very fast speed. Then, he walked out the door at a faster speed, and with a loud voice that he had never used before, bumped into the door. He closed the iron door and locked it with a "click".

This clearly shows that they did not forget, but were ordered to "leave" the handcuffs on his wrists. What does this mean? What? What? He froze. I learned afterwards that as soon as the young Deputy Commissioner Zhu arrived in Tonghai and got out of the car, he first interrogated Tan Zongsan about raping the dozen or so women. signed.After receiving the signature, the deputy commissioner immediately reported to the relevant leaders of the Shanghai Bureau in the form of an urgent telegram, and ordered Tan Zongsan to be transferred to a prison with stricter guards immediately.Then he took his group to the small conference room to listen to my "report".And I didn't know anything at that time!

I'm dereliction of duty.A serious dereliction of duty indeed. Why didn't I expect that he would do such a goddamn thing? But…… But what? What else is the "but"? I hurried into Tan Zongsan's new cell.The assistant held a kerosene lamp behind me.Accompanying me into the cell were the two bearded guards on duty.Tan Zongsan stood up in a panic.His face looked extraordinarily pale.Still holding the small bag in his arms.Even so, he didn't forget to pull his cuffs anxiously, trying to hide the black wrought iron handcuffs on his wrists in front of me. "Sit..." After a few seconds, he recovered a little bit of calm, and instinctively revealed his "quiet" and "gentlemanly" demeanor, lightly. (although somewhat embarrassed) smiled, first put the small bag on the floor, then straightened his upper body, and with a friendly (although already somewhat flattering) look, he went to talk to the other Several said hello.There was not even a bench in the new cell.What to sit on?He soon realized that he had slipped his tongue.look at me apologetically.But seeing that I kept my face straight, the forced smile on his face immediately subsided.

silence.About a few seconds. At this moment, I suddenly felt that the act of rushing here was really ridiculous.Do I still have to ask a "human prisoner" who has been detained to be completely "sincere and honest" to me?Do I still have to tell Tan Zongsan that I am so magnanimous to you, but you are so unkind to me?What else should I ask him?He never assured me that he was "clean" in that regard.It's just that it never occurred to me to track him down from this aspect. I don't know whether it was because the new cell had not been lived in for a long time, so it was extraordinarily cold, or because the atmosphere was too tense at that time, I saw his tall and thin body trembling in the dim light.

I know it's inappropriate for me to say anything at this time.Even troublesome people may think that I am hinting at something to Tan Zongsan, so I will report it to the inspection team.One more thing is not unimportant: this silence cannot be allowed to last for too long.Too long a silence may also be considered a cue.So I didn't say anything, and quickly backed out. After leaving the gate, I went back and said to the guard on duty: "Everything must be done strictly according to the inspection team's instructions. Don't be negligent." That's when I saw my assistant finally breathe a sigh of relief.Probably he has been worrying about me all the time, so he thinks that I have finally made up for this one thing that should not have been done.

Early the next morning, before dinner time, one of the two guards on duty came to me in a hurry.Bring a small package for Tan Zongsan.I took a closer look and saw that it was the small bag he had been holding in his arms last night.As I was unpacking, I asked, "What else did he say?" "This guy didn't sleep all night last night, sitting on the hard bed in the detention room, silently facing the high small window in a daze. Later, he lay on the wooden bed and wrote for a long time. This morning, Before dawn, he asked me to deliver this package to you. Well, there is one thing. He said, he is really sorry for you. Really very, very sorry for you. "

It seems that he has already sensed that the final execution may be carried out on him.At this time, what will he give me?I quickly opened the bag. There are basically two things in the bag, one is the dozens of letters he wrote to Huang Keying in recent years but has not been sent for some reason.Another thing is a letter written to me. you must look.Watch anyway.In an emergency, I suddenly thought of a way to prevent the assistant and the guard from leaving my presence until I had finished reading the contents of the small bag.With the two of them testifying, they will be able to explain this matter clearly in front of anyone in the future.As soon as I read it, I immediately asked the guard to send it to the inspection team.

good idea. Just do it. I thought it would take an hour or two at most to finish reading this small package of textual things.But in fact, it took me a whole day to finish watching it.Some letters were written neatly on letter paper, others in the spaces between the lines of old newspapers.The characters are extremely small, extremely close together, and look extremely strenuous.But after all, we can see a little bit of Tan Zongsan's mental journey in the last few years. I don't think it's necessary to extract all of them.Or choose what you want, pick a little. 145 Dear Mr. Lu,

Picking up the pen, I really don't know how to finish this letter, which should be the most difficult letter for me to write in this life.I know that there is not much time left for me.For a person like me who has left too many flaws and sins in this world, I cannot face your blame tonight, let alone face the regrets contained in these blames.I hope that I can accept your final punishment of me in peace.Finally to destruction.But I still feel that it is necessary to finish writing this letter to you.I am not asking for someone's forgiveness, let alone making excuses for myself.I know that any justification is superfluous and inadvisable for me.The reason why I want to do this is to ask for a right to speak out.Say something that I most want to say.From my family background, which has been so rich and prominent over the decades, probably no one would believe that I have never had a full real right to speak.Yes, for decades, no one has ever said to me that you do not have such rights.No one ever told me to shut your mouth.However, in the environment I live in, no one really needs to talk to others, and no one is willing to listen to others.People do not regard talking and listening to talk as a necessary prerequisite for a better and more harmonious life.I grew up and deformed in this kind of chatter without talking.Even today, it is really sad that a person who has committed a crime and is about to be tortured comes to ask for a confession.It's ridiculous.

A few years ago, I left Shanghai for the second time and came to Shengqiao.My only purpose at that time was to find a suitable environment to start my life anew.At the time I really just wanted to be a useful person, someone who could actually get a thing or two done.At least I have to prove that I can be a man of courage like one of my ancestors.I also want to prove that I can be different from other men in the Tan family.When I went to Shengqiao to open the sea, I really had no political intentions.I don't even want to sink myself into depravity.If it's for politics, or looking for corruption, I can stay in Shanghai.With what I had in Shanghai at the time, whether it was politics or corruption, it was probably a hundred times more convenient than going to Shengqiao and Tonghai.So, no matter whether you believe it or not, all the hateful and embarrassing things that happened later were indeed not my original intentions, nor were I always striving for them.The reason why such a "catastrophe" happened later was indeed due to its inevitable reasons.I haven't told anyone about this reason.I didn't mean to hide.I'm just afraid of being ridiculed," and I'm afraid of hurting the hearts of those who are really close to me and have hope in me.

Speaking of which, things still happened in the later period of Shengqiao.In the early days, I did fairly well.A cotton mill, a soy sauce shop, a flowered gauze store, and an abacus workshop are planned to be established in Shengqiao. Except that the scale of the mill is not as large as originally planned, everything else is quite satisfactory.So I planned to strike while the iron was hot, to expand the Mubao Port of Shengqiao according to the scale of a 5,000-ton wharf, and to establish a joint-stock shipping company, which also engaged in passenger and freight transportation.I thought things would go more smoothly than when I first arrived in Shengqiao, but unexpectedly, all kinds of obstacles came flooding in.It was only later that I figured out that in the early days, the people from Shengqiao and Shanghai did not hinder me, because both of them thought that my coming to Shengqiao was nothing more than spending too much time in Shanghai like last time. Alright, come to Northern Jiangsu to spend some money and have fun.After playing enough, I will naturally go back to Shanghai to live the kind of peaceful life they want me to live.It is neither a threat nor a danger to them.The people in Shengqiao didn't understand the situation, and even thought that I was still in charge of the real power of the Tan family.They wanted to do me a favor and get a bigger return from the Tan family's other businesses in the future.Until I became the president of Shengqiao's chamber of commerce.Later, both of them saw that things were not as they imagined. I was really going to take root in Shengqiao, and I was really going to leave the Tan family in Shanghai. Both of their plans would come to nothing.So he started to use real kung fu on me.Difficult for me everywhere.Not to mention that the newly-built wharf is struggling, even the electricity, water, labor and materials of the several factories and workshops that have been built have become problems.Even when I, the president, convened a regular meeting, no one cared for a while.It should be said that everything that happened at this time was normal.That's the real start of what I'm going to do.Only when I break through this layer of barriers can I truly lay the foundation for my own work.It also really shows that I have to do things independently and can do things independently, which is really different from those men in the Tan family who only rely on others and live their lives based on other people's faces.During the day and in front of people, I encourage myself in the same way.But at night, after people, I couldn't control myself.I panic.I worry.I thought about it and tossed and turned.I can't eat.I imagined various plans, how to make those who are unhappy with me happy again.I can't stand being around people who are unhappy or dissatisfied with me.I'm afraid to see them scowling at me.Once again, I fell into the same predicament as before: every time I do something, I can't help but think about how others will think of me.I have been trying to figure out the faces of the people around me.I dare not go out.I dread even answering the phone.I suddenly began to miss a butler I hated very much when I was in the Tan family.I always think, if only he was by my side.He must be able to solve these problems.I command myself not to think so.I know that thinking like this makes me seem too incompetent, too weak, and too worthless.But I still can't stop myself.Even one of my best girlfriends (the Miss Huang you know) can't persuade me.We had a few quarrels about it.All my old problems started to flood.This is especially true.Closed the door, in front of his relatives and acquaintances, he appears to be very powerful and self-willed, but in front of outsiders, he appears particularly weak, incompetent and fearful.And I can't help myself.I really can't control myself... You don't know how much I used to hate the head of our Tan family.I didn't expect that once I started to do things independently, I would subconsciously look forward to him and pray to him.After discovering this, I feel that I am really hopeless.I'm really disappointed in myself.I really found that I can't change it.After all, I, Tan Zongsan, am still a member of the Tan family.An out-and-out Tan family man.I can't change my last name anymore.I can't replace all the blood in my veins...they come from my crooked spinal cord.That spinal cord that the Tan family made for me.I even felt that if I stayed in Shengqiao any longer, I would soon be bleeding profusely like my eldest nephew.I was embarrassed to retreat and go back to Shanghai, so I turned to my two political friends and arranged for me to be in Tonghai... Keying: Tomorrow your distant uncle will send a special boat to fetch me to Shengqiao.He originally planned to come to Shanghai to pick me up in person.But not long ago, he was notified that Nanjing had decided to transfer him to the Ministry of Justice.This matter has been brewing for a long time, but there have been many twists and turns in the middle, which lasted for a long time, and there are many people who disagree.Now that the higher-ups have finally made a decision, they have to go through the procedures that should be done quickly, so as to avoid more accidents in Ye Changmeng.In fact, I really don't care whether he can come to pick him up or not.What I really care about is whether you can understand my actions this time.You should understand that giving up Shanghai is definitely a very last resort for me.And it is not easy to go to a place like northern Jiangsu and start from scratch!This time I am not willful.It's not playing the young master's temper.no.Ying, you must understand that I have never been so excited.I have never felt this urge to live.line yearning.I really feel like I really want to do things.Longing for the boat.Longing for the wind.Yearning to chat with sailors.When the wind and waves were three or four, and it was raining moderately, I insisted on taking a walk on the deck and looking at the telescope... According to the original plan, the boat arrived at Xiaozhang Island first, and stayed at your uncle's house that night, with several people The deputy warden came forward to welcome me.The next day, invite Shengqiao, Mubaogang, "Province Eight" and "Nv San" and all the celebrities and gentlemen in Xiaozhang Island Town to have a large dinner party and hold a grand dance party for me .Invite ten or twenty girls from the senior class of Shengqiao Nursing School, which was just established a few years ago, to add to the fun.But I refused.Not worried that you will be "jealous" because of this.no.I want to go to Shengqiao as soon as possible.My old friend Sa Chongbing in Shengqiao also received a new appointment order this month, and will be transferred to the Tongzhou Special Administrative Region as an acting commissioner.Before he leaves Shengqiao, I must talk to him carefully about my plans in Shengqiao.Some things, such as the location of the new factory in the future, the price of the land purchase, the recommendation of some important staff in the factory, etc., still need his great assistance. When will you come to my side? I miss you... miss you... I miss our day... The day I approached a thorny fence The golden cornflowers are blooming all over the little garden The day I walked into that old mill What turns under the stone mill is a dazzling diamond I looked back that day, looking back at the ups and downs of the highlands The black clouds are like the ripples of a black swan That day I prayed for the vortex of the wind, the tears of the rain and the continuation of the green leaves Tulips actually glow with the breath of jade liquid wine I closed my eyes that day What I see is the sun I bowed my head that day but walked out of the land of nothing That day I hugged your petite footprints but I don’t have to recall the lingering dreams What I don't have to hate that day is the inherent "remote" and "suspicion" But not afraid to rely on "expectation" and "desire" to mark the self in every second Oh, that day...a reinvented me That day... a world recreated by you... Dear Mr. Lu Your Mightiness: ... The disillusionment of reinvention was an irresistible blow to me.Arranged by Song Bangyin and Sa Chongbing, I went to Tonghai County as a false magistrate.Although such an arrangement put me in a "puppet" situation, I accepted it willingly because it saved me the embarrassment of "fleeing back" to Shanghai and making a fool of myself in front of my huge Tan family. Under the coercion of the two deputy county magistrates, he lived a life of peace and justice, but without passion.If we say that a few years ago, when I was in the Tan family, I still struggled and knew how to hate.So by this time, after another ups and downs, I no longer have any struggles, nor any hatred.But because of this, I also became more and more divided.In front of people, I am a gentle county magistrate who has the qualifications to study in the UK.I dress modestly and behave modestly.Seriously, it seems that "they usually have the prestige of goosebumps, and the supervisors have the potential to balance thousands of miles."Moreover, there are degrees of advance and retreat.But when I got there, I was restless.I have low self esteem.I am desperate.I daydream with my eyes open to satisfy all those unattainable wishes.I can't face any woman with the slightest brain.I am afraid of their incomprehension or unwillingness to understand, and I am afraid that they will care about me that I cannot satisfy, and I am even more afraid that they suffer from the chronic disease of "split" like me.I know their hearts are fuller than mine.They have more detailed arrangements for their lives than I do.I am afraid that in the long contact with them, my poverty and paleness will be exposed.I'm afraid they will look down on me after all.I miss Miss Huang.She came, and I was angry with her for not coming a while ago, so I insisted on not seeing her.She really didn't come, and I was so restless that I couldn't live in peace.Regret too much to live in peace.I have never felt such deep anxiety... bored... Keying: You are gone today.half past five.I look at my watch.Also looked at the thick fog outside the window.I think I heard the sound of the ship that took you to that far place at that moment.It takes away all my luxury.I had hoped that the phone would ring at this moment.The boat broke down, she said.She said she wasn't leaving.tomorrow.the day after tomorrow.Or never go.But the call never came.You finally left.I don't know what I will be waiting for in the days without you.what to look forward to.Woodburg Harbor without fog.Summer without fog.Dreamland without fog.I don't want to ask why you have to go.I know I should let you go.You are so yearning to be unrestrained.Sunlight.valley.Fall.Then yearn for the green high slopes and the sunset on the big river.I know you belong to them.You should be a bird in the forest.It's that giant water lily.It is the path in the forest that no one has walked for a long time.That big tree covered with moss.That tin chimney that will never rust.That curved antler.If you could, you would go barefoot in all those corners where no one was around.Compared to your youth, I do feel very old.I've been stuck in this world for far too long.My bones are crackling, like that too old wooden wheeled cart parked on the Bayingele Grassland. What I can tell you now is that after you are gone, I will only be able to live on memories.Relying on questioning to fill... Keying: ... In the few days since you left, I have encountered troubles that I have never had before.Really helpless.But there is indeed an advantage, that is, it forced me to calm down and think about this strange road that the two of us have walked together.I put myself in the position of the most critical "bad old man" and thought over and over again, and my conclusion is that I was the luckiest man ever.She is indeed a perfect creation and the greatest gift of God.Before I met you, I never thought about what else I would fight for.I have everything I should have.What should be, others will arrange for me.Even if I didn't want the arrangement, they wouldn't let me not.I learned not to fight for it.I learned to wait and accept.I finally got tired and fled to Shengqiao.At this time, God just sent you to Shengqiao.Since then... yes, since then, I suddenly realized that I still have to fight.What am I missing.I need something.I just started to think carefully, how can I get what I can't live without.How can I fight for what I need.It was only then that I deeply felt that the greatest happiness for a person is to have a surging heart.In fact, there have been many times I've been mad at you.When I was angry, I also wanted to do something to revenge you.However, every time I hear your voice, every time I see your figure, I can't hold myself back, and I can't take revenge.Any of your actions in front of me will melt me ​​instantly.I can only watch carefully.Listen carefully.To make up for the shortcomings of many days, I can't think of anything else, and the resentment, discord, and unhappiness I have had are not worth the satisfaction of this moment.Cozy.Why?Is this what I deserve?Even if she was "bullyed" and "abused", would you still be willing?Thousands of young women.There are thousands of warm women.Petite women are also thousands of thousands.Why can't I leave her alone?Is it just a novelty?After several years of lingering, it is said that it is no longer "fresh".But the yearning, the longing, the melting and the boiling are still the same as in April of that year!Everything is as if it just started.It's wonderful.What exactly is this?Can you tell me?Can you tell me what is this magical power in you? Maybe this is the only time I can calm down I need to calm down and ask myself what made me burn a thousand days and nights Turned into rich, turned into pure and pure, turned into the most primitive totem I ask myself, have I ever had a life like that? On the strange road at night, I have a pair of weak hands and a hot one.Heart I ask myself, have I ever been in a rush like that? Never think about the consequences or the future, just donate an old shirt I ask myself, facing countless low windows, I really don’t need to feel inferior I ask myself if I am the one who lives in the picture I ask myself, from now on I really will claim to be the Supreme like Zeus Nor would the triumphant Roman warrior have such a shining life no promises, no agreement Moving forward gently together caused lightning and thunder behind the mountain no agreement, no commitment From the winter and summer of this year to the autumn and spring of another year So lightly and lightly uplift So brilliantly and brilliantly diffuse So the thousands of years of nostalgia fade away So in the freshness of the morning mist we have the oldest sweetness and hardship So I just beg you to close your eyes When you close your eyes, I walk in the blue symphony So I just beg not to have another morning The most beautiful lines in my heart are every footprint of yours I can't imagine you ever sighed If it does sigh I will weave it into a heavy cradle Raising children I never had ... (there are two lines in the middle that have been blotted out) Oh no, don't let me crouch at your petite feet don't want don't want don't want Don't make me so poor again Don't make me reject the thoughts that never came Don't let me weave the thousand and one distant day by day No, no, no... Dear Mr. Lu Your Mightiness: ... Believe me, I have written these last lines without the slightest intention of absolving myself.But then, I'm really only at peace when I'm with women who are extremely vulgar.It was crazy again.I don't have to worry about anything.Don't worry about it.Don't have to lose.But it's not me at all.Please believe that my mood at this moment is remorse, and I can't live again.I'm sorry for those women who were defiled by me.I'm really worse than a beast.But I cannot explain to the new government why exactly I must.It means I'm still stupid and stupid.Not aware of what should be aware of.The boat leaked.It's been a long time.I'm not really a good sailor.I feel extremely tired.They come to me by themselves.when i call.These are some dirty moments.Really unbearable.But how can people be numb for a long time?They are always looking around.always needed.I have reviewed many books, and I have read some hardcover original books in foreign languages.Sometimes they really knock on the door themselves.Of course, there must be a hint from me first.All the scandals in progress are inexplicable.But I do feel extremely tired...sorry, my writing is too messy...too messy... Keying: ... Sometimes I sit alone in silence and go back to those first days.I am asking myself, people often say that people should not be obsessed with taking.Yeah?I look back on myself.I'm actually an insatiable taker.I need.I long for it.I am blank.I burn.I need to grab a pair of little hands.I can't live without it.I am actually very weak.Sometimes I am very tired.I would love so much to hear someone really say something nice about me. (Oh, Ying, in my life, you may not believe it, but there are only too many reprimands, too many "no"s...) I want sweet words.I want someone to blow me with pure breath and let me close those sour eyelids.I often want to hide in someone's arms.She knew when to tell me, just lie down.It's enough.When can you gently wake me up and say, you should move around.The rain has stopped.I need such small hands.Such a pure breath.With green purity.We walk together in a sea of ​​fire.Also go to the white sandy beach together.I am a rude person, a person who is not good at thinking deeply, a person who has to do what he thinks of doing, a person who is willful and often has low self-esteem.A man who couldn't leave those little hands.How could I not ask her for it?How could I not melt her in completely? Ying, you have been gone for another ten days.In these days, I am still the same as before, I don’t want to ask myself why I miss you so much, but I just want to find a place where I can miss that "wild child" with all my heart, miss her sincerity, her waywardness, her enthusiasm Her infatuation, her "smelly beauty" ... and her little feet, her little hands, her shyness, her moaning, her lingering, her whispering, her enthusiasm, her directness, her trembling.She always asks me to close my eyes, but I don't close my eyes every time.How can I close my eyes?How can I avoid this gift of God?I miss every time you open up to me.It was a whole-hearted opening.It thrills me every time I think of such a moment.What I am touched is a person's trust.A person (I don't want to emphasize "woman").This is the most precious.Why should I deserve her trust like that?Am I sorry for her?She opened herself up to me that way.This is her flesh, soul, essence, energy, desire, and true essence... This is nature.This is human.This is the world.This is survival itself.This is extremely Yin-Yang Tai Chi... I am needed time and time again.Can I be unneeded for a moment and just be myself?Can I have an absolutely rich void?Please leave me blank.Give me a Kusdemona.I am a selfish Moor. (There is another piece of paper sandwiched here, which seems to have been written earlier. It is not even addressed. But judging from the tone of the context, it is still written to Huang Keying: ... Tan Xuechou's condition has deteriorated again in the past two days, and he can't get out of bed again. The blood that was finally stopped has started to drip again; he has so much blood in his stool that he doesn't even have the strength to speak.During this period of time, there are always people coming to deliver all kinds of supplements, which even upset me.The door creaked.You can always see a long table in that dark corner of his small study.One end of the table is filled with ginseng, donkey-hide gelatin, astragalus, tortoise shell, turtle shell, longan, black sesame, and boxes of "Buliduo" and "Bailingji" from Jiufu Pharmacy, and "Heliwang" from Sino-French Pharmacy. , "Pujianlong" and "Yellow Brain Supplement" from Nanshi Daoshitang.There was also a bottle of milky white drops of cod liver oil, adding all of these, still couldn't stop his blood.These days, the Tan family is filled with the smell of traditional Chinese medicine decoction.Breathing in... Breathing out... It's a pity you never saw him stretch out a long, pale finger and shake it tremblingly in front of me.A big man of about 1.8 meters shrank into a shriveled little old man of about 1.5 meters within a short time. Standing in front of his hospital bed, I often want to cry. I don't mean to scare you.Because I have to let you know, this is what I will be.I must let you know that none of the men in the Tan family can escape this test. I have always wanted to know, when I am lying on the hospital bed like this, what kind of eyes will you look at me? I am afraid of your disgust...) Dear Mr. Lu: ...Perhaps I shouldn't bother you with this letter at all.You are my judge.You will decide my life or death.I know that I should have no other dealings with you than to face each other before the Last Judgment, except to state and defend my case.I feel like I've followed this "rule" all along.But after yesterday afternoon's change, I know my last moment has come.My Last Judgment has been done within you.In this case, I feel that I can say to you, apart from the merits, that I thank you very much.Thank you for maintaining such a posture during the several months of communication during this period, before the final conclusion is made, that is, to understand and understand me as a "person".Never said "no" to me casually.This kind of treatment is extremely rare in my life, even in the past when I was extremely prosperous and wealthy...Ke Ying: I'm looking in all the little streets that are about to collapse Look for the roasted roof and the roasted red of the roof You said you'd never leave me again So I planted a thousand years of anxiety and restlessness on that fiery land but the meaning is not so strong I once wanted to solidify white clouds, gray dogs, green, fat, red and thin I also wanted to laugh at the unnecessary turbulence of the river tide after crossing the mountain in front of Wushan Mountain. ' The unbearable response to Li Hong, what must be believed is that love is bound to be sick Before the wine is poured, but the sorrow is still awake, Su Di is frosted all night The rain is not so strong You said you would never leave me again But I still can't get back the minute I want You said that you will never let such a big night leave such an ancient space But how can I follow the wind outside Gubeikou that never turns back You know, the rain is not that strong ... ... 146 Although the situation was urgent, (the intelligence was intercepted the night before, saying that there were more than a dozen "fishing boats" of unknown origin gathering on the sea outside Changshan East Si.) Early the next morning, as usual, outside the East Gate A public judgment meeting of ten thousand people was held on the Great Wasteland inside the Linhai Embankment.Just condensed the various procedures.Speed ​​up the rhythm between the branches.And the tall rostrum.Dark blue side curtains.The sea breeze blows.There are also hemp ropes and "cut strips" prepared in advance.There are also tweeters strapped to tall thin wooden poles.And old vacuum tube amplifiers.This is the same as the previous public judgment.The only thing is that today's venue is very quiet.The dark crowd sat in pieces on the dike's up and down dirt slopes, all sitting on the reddish-brown reed buds and black-brown wattle twigs, all wanting to see the "county magistrate and city magistrate". (According to the instructions of the Shanghai Bureau, today's meeting was convened by Tonghai County. It was presided over by the new county magistrate of the county. The common people say "the county magistrate judges the county magistrate".) Tan Zongsan naturally knew that there was going to be a public trial.Naturally nervous.Although he felt that such a result would come two days ago, once it really came, he still thought that he was still not yet fifty-two years old.But I don't think so.Last night, the head of the military control committee in charge of justice "received" him.It affirmed his "guilt-confessed attitude" over the past period of time.Encourage him to "accept the people's judgment" with this attitude at tomorrow's public sentencing meeting.To be honest with the "final statement".He even said that "what you did when you were the chairman of the Chamber of Commerce in Shengqiao and later when you were the pseudo county magistrate in Tonghai was not all bad things."This kind of affirmation came from such a high-level person, and it was the first time during the entire detention period.After the leader of the military control committee left, he couldn't calm down for a full two or three hours.Recalling every word the leader said over and over again.I want to find enough signs from here to judge whether tomorrow's final judgment is absolute death or possible life. 当然，最让他意外的是，居然让他会见来自上海谭家花园的人。他非常慌张。在接见室足足等了有半个多小时。一直止不住上身的颤抖。但仍要求自己坐得笔直挺拔。他听见军管会的首长在隔壁房间里跟“来自上海谭家花园的人”谈着什么。声音是温和的，时而才有那么一两句高昂的话，突然让他惊俱兴奋。他没有去猜想那个“来自上海谭家花园的人”到底是谁。现在对他来说，最重要的是，上海谭家花园来人了。他这时才忽然恍悟到，在这段漫长的时间里，自己是那么的想念这座“花园”。在这段时间里，自己一直说不出口的一个心愿其实就是想回一次上海，再去看一看自己的这个“谭家花园”，看一看“迪雅”。希望再站在“迪雅”身边，倾听院后高大的毛竹林在风中轻声絮语。为什么从前对曾拥有过的这一切都那么地掉以了轻心、不以了为然呢？他责备自己，甚至轻轻地摇了摇头，眼眶竟然湿润起来。这时，隔壁的谈话声中断了。尔后就有脚步声向这边响来。他的心急剧地跳了起来。一瞬间他又不敢去看那个“来自上海谭家花园的人”了。他想回避。dodge.慌慌地站起。想低下头去。转过身去。想请求看守和管教为自己去掉手铐。想大声喊叫，我谁也不见。不想见……但他没叫。呆呆地站着，直瞠瞠地望着接见空那扇早已斑驳狼藉的木门，害怕而又焦急地等待着。that person. 人终于出现了。竟然是经易门。他心里一阵哽咽。一阵酸涩。差一点掉下眼泪来。是经易门使他镇定了下来。经易门穿着一套灰蓝色的斜纹布中山服。很少穿布鞋的他，今天穿的是一双旧的布鞋。手里提着一个小包。人依然是那么的瘦长，但非常奇怪的是一点都不显老，仿佛还是当年三十多岁那时的模样。稍稍有点不同的是，临来通海前，把日常戴着的那块“欧米茄”金表摘了下来，换上了一块老式的泰国表。进门以后，他很平常地看了谭宗三一眼，好像他们天天见面似的，只平淡地说了句，这里条件蛮好嘛。然后就回过身去对陪同他来探视的一位工作同志说，谢谢政府关照。然后坐下来，对谭宗三说，侬气色不错嘛。听说侬这里的伙食也不错。我对谭家门里的人讲，用不着带啥吃的东西的。侬看，老太太就是听不进去。真是多此一举。一边说，一边把那个小包打了开来。小包里果然都是些吃食东西。是些腌腊和谭宗三平日里用早饭时喜欢吃的皮蛋。腌腊和皮蛋当然都是检查过的。皮蛋一只只都切开了。然后经易门又说了些开导的话，大意是让谭宗三接受政府的教育，好好地交代自己的问题。不一会儿，那个陪同的工作同志就走了。说，你们谈。然后对经易门指了指墙上那个挂钟。意思大概是让他掌握好时间。经易门忙站起来点了点头。一直目送着那个工作同志走出了门，听到门“呕”地一声关上，接见室里只剩下他和谭宗三两人时，才回到座位前，木然地坐了下来，神情也顿时大不似刚才那样的自然。平淡。只是看着谭宗三。久久不语。忽然伸过手来一把抓住谭宗三，眼泪竟刷刷地流淌了下来。谭宗三有点惊异了。只觉得他不断地抚摸着他冰凉的手背，尔后就摸到他的手铐上，就一直停留在那铁做的硬环上，用力地抓着，微微地摇晃着，轻微地哽咽着。这样大概有一分钟的时间。他突然收回了手去，忙掏出那块雪白的手绢，擦去泪痕，哆哆嗦嗦地从小包里掏出一点零碎小吃东西，甚至还有两只乔家栅的双酿团，说了句：“侬吃(口伐)。” 谭宗三不动。 经易门又说了句：“侬吃一点(口伐)。” 谭宗三还是不动。 经易门眼圈便又红了，说了声：“老太太的身体都蛮好。侬放心。” 谭宗三微微点了点头。这时他只想问问上海大面上到底还发生了一些什么样的事。谭家门里最近又哪能（怎么样）了。他想知道，自己的拘审给谭家门里的其他人带来什么影响没有。他推开那些小吃东西，刚想张嘴问，只见经易门忙做了个手势，让他不要多问。并慌慌地蘸了点茶水，在那张旧桌面上写了“最后”两个字。 “最后”。 脑子已有一点木耷的谭宗三一时间不明白这两个字到底是什么意思，露出满脸的疑惑看着经易门。 经易门接着又写了同样的两个字： “最后”。 再一次直直地看着他。 这时，谭宗三似乎有一点明白了。脑子里一下嗡嗡地震响起来。一股寒气从下腹部涌上。蜂拥到全身。直至指尖。眼前即刻间便有一点模糊了。他只听见经易门在他耳边用一种非常非常轻的声音在不停地说着什么。talking.talking.talking.talking.甚至抽泣着。又说着……并一直紧紧地握着谭宗三的手。但谭宗三一句也没听清。尔后，经易门赶紧从桌面上抹去了这几个字。赶紧站了起来。离谭宗三远一点。再远一点。因为这时，他听到门外有脚步声响过来了。并最后热切地看了谭宗三一眼，用力向他点了点头。 回监室后，谭宗三还在想着那“最后”两个字的意思。解释仍可能是多样的。晚饭挺正常，只多给了一份菠菜豆腐汤，并没有临终餐的丰盛。饭送来时，看守们还“破例”地为他取下手铐。半个小时。用这点时间洗漱，还可以余一点时间抢圆了双臂，甩甩手，松一松筋骨，活络活络血脉。 当然，细细一想，也还是能觉出一点不祥的征兆。那个主管司法的首长，都快走到拘留室的门口了，又回转身来问了一句，你还有什么要求吗？谭宗三当时没反应过来，只是连声回答，没有没有，我一切都蛮好。现在想起来他为什么突然要问我还有什么要求呢？什么叫“还有”？我提过别的要求吗？No.那他为什么要说“还有”？好像我已经提过许多许多，现在最后……最后……再宽容我一次，最后允许我再提一次要求。 是这个意思吗？ At last. 骤然间他有点心慌起来。他突然想起，今天是星期三。是看守老唐去码头接儿媳妇的时间。老唐的儿媳妇在南通大生纱厂上班。星期四厂休。星期三晚上回来。老店总归要到长途汽车站去接。星期四晚上再送她走。老唐的儿子在朝鲜打仗。接送儿媳妇的事只好有芳老店了。看守管教喜欢跟老唐寻开心。星期五上班时分，大家总要摁住老唐，在他头上脸上手上脚上，寻出些“伤痕”，然后就逼他“坦白”，星期四在家里做了啥。为啥挨打、挨了谁的打。极端老实的老唐，总是憋红了脸，喃喃地回答，还有谁，吃你娘打呗。于是大家就大笑，说，老唐什么时候把儿媳妇升格当娘了？但今天他为什么不走？为什么总在自己的号于门口转悠？还有其他几位看守管教，好像都到了下班时间都应该走了为啥还不走？是告别？这几个老看守都是“留用人员”。都曾偷偷跟他讲过，政府不会对他怎么样的。难道今天他们得到了什么恶讯？ 死倒没有什么。就是五十二岁……还是有点心不甘……就是能让我再回一次盛桥就好了。他想起自己那个小旅馆。二楼拐弯角上那个空房间。推开落地窗，走上木板大阳台。能看到许多人家的后院。后院里长着五月槐。远处便是麦田。青的紫的。五月里还会有那沁香的薄荷。他要把黄克莹接到小旅馆里。他要再一次紧紧地抱住她。走过那长长的红地毯。走过那闪亮的铜管乐队。走过徐家汇天主堂。唱。唱。耶稣救救我。耶稣救救我。同时走过十六铺那充满成鱼味道的“弹阶路”（卵石路）。走进那个雅静小咖啡馆。周存伯考进了华丰航空公司当会计主任。鲰荛跟小红结婚后三年，病发而不治。三月跟一位亲戚去了香港。张大然好像重新开了一爿家具店最后他娶的不是跟他相好多年的房东太太女儿，而是房东太太本人。至于陈实，走过去。不知道出了点什么事，被注销了上海户口，迁移到安徽一个茶林场劳动。后来在那儿娶了一个小学教师，自己也做了一个小学教师。但他还经常来信而且只有他还经常来信，经常谈起当年一道收听那未来的躁动的歌曲未来的呼声。那首教导他们不要在意悲哀的摇滚。 Let it be。后来究竟是动了一下什么那个钢丝录音机再也收听不到那些古怪遥远未来的声音了呢？他真是怀念那些声音。是的，不为别的，即便只是为了那些属于未来的声音，也应该多活几年。走出上海去试一试自己。几十年来，我从来就没有过未来。 Let it be。walk over.穿一件旧衣服。再穿上那件黑呢大衣。再当着那扑面而来的海风，对着那黑压压一片拥挤着的来看“县长市县长”的民众，大声宣布，小生家贫本姓洪…… 走过去……止住浑身的颤栗……止住脚筋的虚软……抬起沉重的眼皮……Let it be，……Let it be…… 尔后，枪声响了。他没听到。只觉被什么猛地击撞了一下。头部哄地一下很热很红地涌上。就有什么东西往外跑。非常嘈杂的脚步声。一扇很宽厚的门开了。一长匹暖流从类似玻璃的一大块天幕上缓缓。slowly.slowly.slowly.slowly.缓缓……凝固。 周围真的很美好。天从来没这么蓝过。自己仿佛依靠在一棵翠玉雕砌成的石榴树上。云彩飞快地从枝桠间掠过。还有蓝色的一团一团的风。树上缀满了晶莹的水钻和红蓝宝石。他觉得风正在渐渐地吹散自己，从脚部开始。或者换一种说法，自己正在慢慢地融入这温暖的风团之中，也从脚部开始，并随着这扩散得越来广阔的风团云团，流进那根浮动着的地平线，就像跌落的瀑布或被吸进漩涡眼中的巨流。他看见自已被融化成乳白色的雾霭般的清淡。真的很清淡。他甚至特别的自豪。在风驰电掣般掠过大地上空的时候，他正视了他曾那么熟悉的每一双眼睛。正面地诚挚地恳谈般地说透了所有的遗恨。但似乎又没有谈到恨。只是说了些展望。无言地把百年后的展望闪电般浏览。全都有一双温暖的手。统统举起来、仿佛希腊古剧场两旁的歌队。戴荆冠穿灰袍的男声部和戴桂冠穿白袍的女声部。吟诵一首无字的歌。缓缓行进。但突然间，心区一阵剧烈的疼痛，使他不得不强忍住颠踬，从地平线上抬起头来。这时，他身体的大部都已化成了雾霭，和沼泽草原上的洼地融为一体，他艰难地抬起那颗仅剩的头颅。这是一颗硕大的黑灰色的头颅，支撑在同样变得十分粗壮的颈脖子上。 他看见有两个人向他走来。 模模糊糊地很难看得清楚。他最后一次挣扎。一个看清了，是黄克莹。 （为什么不带着她的妮妮？）另一个……就只能凭感觉了。飘飘忽忽的……不知为什么，这时他居然非常非常希望这另一位是……经易门。Yes.他想再看一看他，经易门。 147 我离开通海前，曾特地找了城里几位最有名的老中医，就所谓的“五十二岁”问题，作了一次专门的咨询。他们不相信。后来我又找了几个西医。也不信。后来我在人大做“调干生”，跟我们的几个校医也谈过这件事。他们就更不相信了。他们甚至要追问我这种荒唐言论的来源。我就赶紧走开了。事实上，这几十年，我走遍大江南北，也真的再没听谁说过谁家的男人一概地活不过多少岁的事。中国男人的平均寿命是实实在在地得到了极大的提高。我一直想淡忘了这件“荒唐事”。在大多数的日子里也的确把它淡忘了。只是有一回，那是在北京。下午五点多钟光景。冬日的夕阳像一盆被人放凉了的热水懒懒地散着白光。我走过虎坊桥。当时的广安门内大街还没得到如今的改扩建，依然还是一派北京老城的景象。就像是老上海的南市区或老北门。曹家渡。但我喜欢北京的南城。从来也没喜欢过什么王府井东单西单。因为比起上海天津武汉广州繁华的商业街区，它们实在算不了个什么。而老北京的南城，确确实实是全世界独一份儿的。我从珠市口大街往西来，经过著名的晋阳饭庄，正要通过虎坊桥十字路口往南拐去，却被一个人重重地撞了一下。我哎哟了一声，回头想跟人理论理论，却见那个撞我的人慌慌地朝我点了一下头便向北拐了。一面之下，我心里一痉。此人脸熟。肯定在哪儿见过。我正在苦苦追思，那人却慌慌地向琉璃厂去了。我忙跟了过去。一路走，一路想。心里突然一亮，是他？“这个人个头虽然不高，穿着固然黯旧，但举止谈吐无一不显示出他内心的清朗和精细……”是当年谭雪俦画下来，让大家侬样去找的那个？是让那位程宝霖先生暗暗惊叫，“忙回到自己家里，从阁楼上翻出一部涵芬楼刻本《北窗吟稿》；拍去函套上的灰尘，拿青蓝细布用心包好，悄悄送到谭先生跟前”，就在卷首画着的那个？“那个头戴花翎、身穿朝服、佩戴朝珠，端坐中堂的”叶大人？这些年，我一直在翻阅《北窗吟稿》。收集著有关中国的地方史料。我熟悉那幅“绣像画”。 拿叶大人的“尊像”和眼前刚见到的那个汉子一比照，简直叫人不敢相信，这二者竟如此相像。甚至可以这么说，让一百多年前的叶廷眷大人摘去顶戴花翎，脱去朝服朝靴，再让他换上半新旧的二尺半短打衫裤，活脱脱就是眼前这个故意撞我一下的“家伙”。 How is this possible? 他干吗要撞我？是有话要对我说？是想告诉我什么？ 我定定神，紧紧步子，跟了上去。我想这一回我一定要看个分明，问个清楚。我不愿让“五十二岁”这样的荒唐说法再在心里搅扰一百年。眼见他走进了一家古瓷古砚店。这时，我与他相距也就只有十来米八九米了。一会儿工夫，我也追进了店堂。店堂并不大。he is not here.也不见。再回顾四周。仍不见。左找，不见。右找，也不见。女店家甚至斩钉截铁地说，没有这样的人进过店门，更别说有这样的人出了后门。因为这家店的后门半个来月前就封死了。只等市政府派古建队来做整条街的大翻修。 那……人呢？ What about people? 我转过身，突然听到了一种古怪的声音。木凸。木凸。木凸。 木凸木凸木凸木凸木凸木凸木凸木凸…… 木凸木凸木凸木凸木凸木凸木凸木凸…… 木凸木凸木凸木凸木凸木凸木凸木凸……