Chapter 18 Chapter 18 Tengo's Silent and Lonely Satellite

"That person might be around here." Biting her lower lip, Fuka-Eri said after thinking about it for a moment. Tengo folded his hands on the table again, and looked into Fuka-Eri's eyes. "Near here? In other words, she's at Kouenji?" "It's within walking distance from here." Tengo really wanted to ask, why did you know such a thing?But even if such a question is asked, she probably won't answer it.Even Tengo could have guessed the result.Substantial questions that require only a yes or no answer. "That is to say, if you look around here, you can meet Aomame?" Tengo asked.

Fuka-Eri shook her head. "Just walking around, still can't see." "She's within walking distance from here, but I can't find her just walking around looking for her. Is that so?" "Because she hid." "Hiding?" "Like a wounded cat." In Tengo's mind, Aomame curled up and hid under the eaves of a musty smell somewhere. "Why? Who is she hiding from?" he asked. Of course, there was no answer. "Since she has to hide, does that mean she is in a critical condition?" Tengo asked. "Critical situation." Fuka-Eri repeated Tengo's words, showing the expression of a child facing bitter medicine.Probably because I don't like the lingering sound of the word.

"Like being hunted down by someone," Tengo said. Fuka-Eri tilted her head slightly.Meaning: not sure. "But she won't be here forever." "time is limited." "limited." "However, like a wounded cat, she hides motionless, so she doesn't take a leisurely walk outside." "I won't do that," said the beautiful girl decisively. "So I have to go somewhere special." Fuka-Eri nodded in agreement. "What kind of special place is that?" Tengo asked. Needless to say, there was no answer. "About her, is there anything you can recall?" After a while, Fuka-Eri asked, "Maybe it will be useful."

"It's useful," Tengo said. "If I can recall something about her, maybe I can get a clue about where she's hiding, isn't it?" She didn't answer, just shrugged slightly.There is an affirmation in it. "Thank you," Tengo thanked. Like a contented cat, Fuka-Eri nodded gently. Tengo was in the kitchen preparing dinner.Fuka-Eri carefully selected records on the record rack.There are not many records, but the selection took her a lot of time.After thinking about it, she picked up an old Rolling Stones record, put it on the turntable, and dropped the needle.It was a record I borrowed from someone when I was in high school, and for some reason I kept forgetting to return it.Haven't heard it for a long time.

Listening to "Mama's Little Helper" and "Ms. Jane," Tengo made fried rice with ham, mushrooms, and brown rice, and cooked miso soup with tofu and wakame.The cauliflower was boiled and served with the curry prepared in advance.Also made a green salad with string beans and onions.Tengo didn't find cooking painful.He is used to thinking while cooking.About everyday problems, about mathematics, about novels, even about metaphysical propositions.When standing in the kitchen and doing things, you can think better and more organizedly than when you don't do anything.But no matter how much he thought about it, he couldn't imagine what kind of place Fuka-Eri was talking about as a "special place".In a place where there is no order, it is futile to insist on adding order.The places that can be reached are limited.

The two sat opposite each other at the dining table, having dinner.There is no dialogue that can be called a conversation.They are like a couple who have ushered in a period of burnout, silently putting food into their mouths, each thinking about different things.Or maybe nothing at all.Especially with Fuka-Eri, it's hard to tell the difference between the two.After dinner, Tengo drank coffee, and Fuka-Eri ate pudding from the refrigerator.No matter what she ate, her expression didn't change.Seemingly thinking only about chewing, Tengo sat at the dining table, following Fuka-Eri's hint, trying to remember about Aomame.

Is there anything you can recall about her?Might be useful. But Tengo couldn't concentrate and think of anything.The Rolling Stones record was changed. "Little Red Rooster", Mick Jagger ① obsessed with singing during the Chicago blues period.good.But it's not music for the brooding or those struggling with memory.The Rolling Stones had few such zeal.He thought, he should find a quiet place to stay alone for a while. ①Mick Jagger, British rock master, lead singer of the Rolling Stones. "I'm going outside for a walk," Tengo said. Holding the Rolling Stones record bag, Fuka-Eri nodded indifferently.

"No matter who comes, don't open the door," Tengo warned. Wearing a navy blue long-sleeved T-shirt, beige khaki pants with no iron marks, and sneakers, Tengo walked towards the station, walked into a small shop called "Maitou" in front of the station, and ordered draft beer.This is a bistro serving wine and simple food.The store is not big, and it will be overwhelmed by more than 20 customers.He had been to this store several times before.In the middle of the night, there will be a large number of young customers, which is very lively, but there are fewer customers between 7:00 and 8:00, and it is quiet and comfortable.Perfect for sitting alone in a corner, drinking a beer and reading a book.The chair is also very comfortable to sit on.The origin of the store name is unknown, and its meaning is also unknown.In fact, he could ask the clerk, but Tengo was not good at chatting with strangers.In addition, even if you don't know the origin of the store name, there is no inconvenience.Anyway, this is a cozy tavern called "Maitou".

Thankfully, there is no music playing in the store.Tengo sat at a table by the window, drinking Carlsberg draft beer and chewing assorted nuts in a small bowl, thinking about Aomame.Recalling Aomame's appearance meant that he himself was going back to his ten-year-old boyhood, and it also meant experiencing a turning point in his life again.At the age of ten, he was shaken by Aomame, and then refused to go with his father to collect NHK audio-visual fees.Shortly after, he experienced a definite erection and first ejaculation.For Tengo, this became a turning point in his life.Of course, even if Aomame doesn't shake hands, this turning point will come, sooner or later.But Aomame had inspired him, brought about the change, and it was as if she had pushed him behind the scenes.

He spread his left hand and looked at the palm for a long time.The ten-year-old girl shook that hand and changed something in me.Can't coherently explain why this happened. But at that time, the two people understood and accepted each other in a very natural way.Almost miraculously, completely and completely.This kind of thing cannot happen many times in a lifetime.Not only that, in some people it may not even happen once.It was only at that moment that Tengo failed to fully grasp the significance of it.No, not just at that moment, until recently he hadn't really grasped the implications.He just kept the image of that young girl in his heart indifferently.

She was thirty, and probably looked very different now.Perhaps he has grown taller, his breasts have bulged, and his hairstyle has naturally changed.Maybe a little makeup if you're out of the Witness Council.Maybe she is wearing exquisite and expensive clothes now.Tengo couldn't imagine what it would be like for Aomame to walk down the street in a full CK suit and high heels.But it's also very possible.People are destined to grow, and the so-called growth means to complete changes.Maybe she is in this store at the moment, but I don't notice. He raised his glass to drink his beer and looked around again.She's around here.within walking distance.Fuka-Eri said so.So Tengo believed her words.Since she said so, probably so. But apart from Tengo, there was only a pair of young men and women who looked like college students sitting side by side in front of the bar, whispering to each other and whispering vigorously.Watching them, Tengo felt a deep loneliness he hadn't felt in a long time.In this world, I am alone and have nothing to do with anyone. Tengo closed his eyes lightly, concentrated, and once again imagined the scene in the elementary school classroom in his mind.Last night, when he had intercourse with Fuka-Eri during the intense thunderstorm, he also visited that place with his eyes closed.Real, very concrete.Because of this, his memory seemed to be refreshed into something more vivid than usual.It was like the dust on it was washed away by the night rain. Anxiety, anticipation and timidity are scattered everywhere in the empty classroom, like timid little animals, secretly hiding in everything.The chalkboard that was not wiped clean, the chalk that was broken and shortened, the cheap curtains that faded from the sun, flowers in a vase on the podium (the name of the flower can’t be remembered), children’s drawings pinned to the wall with thumbtacks, hanging The world map behind the podium, the smell of floor wax, the swaying curtains, and the laughter coming from the window—Tengo could vividly reproduce the scene there in his mind.He can follow the omens, attempts and riddles contained there with his eyes one by one. During the few tens of seconds that Aomame held his hand, Tengo saw many things, like a camera, and accurately recorded these images on his retina.It became one of the basic scenes that sustained him through his torturous teenage years.This scene is often accompanied by intense tactile sensations at her fingertips.Her right hand eternally gave courage to Tengo who had grown up amidst suffering and struggle.It doesn't matter, you have me.The hand told him. You are not alone. Fuka-Eri said she hid herself motionless, like a wounded cat. When you think about it, fate is really unpredictable.Fuka-Eri was also hiding here, and would never step out of Tengo's room.In this corner of Tokyo, there are two women who are also missing, escaping from something.Both were women who were closely related to Tengo.Are there any common factors among them?Or is it just a random coincidence? Naturally there will be no answer.Just asking random questions.Too many questions, too few answers.This happens every time. The beer is gone.The young clerk came up and asked if he wanted anything else.After a moment's hesitation, Tengo ordered bourbon on the rocks, with a side of assorted nuts.Bourbon, we only have "Four Roses", okay?All right, said Tengo.whatever.Then move on to Aomame. From the kitchen at the back of the store, came the wonderful smell of pizza baking. Who was Aomame hiding from?Maybe he was evading the pursuit of the judicial authorities, Tengo thought. But he couldn't imagine her being a criminal.What crime did she commit?No, that would never be the police.Whoever or whatever was chasing Aomame had nothing to do with the law. Tengo suddenly thought, maybe that was the same thing that was chasing Fuka-Eri?Little man? But why does the little man have to chase after green beans? However, if they were really chasing Aomame, the key person in it might be me. Of course Tengo couldn't understand why he had to become such a key figure in the development of the situation.But if there was one factor that connected the two women, Fuka-Eri and Aomame, it could only be Tengo.Perhaps without my knowledge, I exerted some kind of force and pulled Aomame closer. some kind of power? He looked at his hands.I don't understand.Where do I have such power? There were four roses on ice, and small bowls of new assorted nuts.He took a sip of Four Roses, put a few nuts in his hands, and shook them lightly like dice. Anyway, Aomame was somewhere in this small town, within walking distance from here.Fuka-Eri said so.And I believe it.If you ask me why, I can't answer, but I believe it anyway.However, how can I find Aomame hiding somewhere?It is not easy to find someone who leads a normal social life, not to mention that she deliberately hides her whereabouts, of course it is even more difficult.How about holding a megaphone and calling her name around?I'm afraid that if she does this, she won't be able to walk out in a big way.It will only attract the attention of all around and expose her to more danger. There must be something else that should be recalled, Tengo thought. "About her, are there any things that you can recall? Maybe it will be useful." Fuka-Eri said.But before she said those words, Tengo had always had a feeling in his mind: whether there were one or two important facts about Aomame that he hadn't been able to recall.It was like a pebble in a shoe, and it made him feel uncomfortable from time to time.Although indifferent, it is true. Like cleaning a blackboard, Tengo refreshed his consciousness and tried to dig up his memory again. About Aomame, about myself, about the things around the two of them, like a fisherman dragging a net, skimming the soft mud bottom, carefully recalling one by one in order.But no matter what, it happened twenty years ago. No matter how vividly I remember the scene at that time, there are still limited things that can be recalled concretely. Still, Tengo had to find something that existed at the time, and something he had missed so far.And right here and now.Otherwise, Aomame might not be able to find her hiding in this small town.If Fuka-Eri was to be believed, then time was limited and something was chasing her. He tried to remember the sight.What did Aomame see there?And what did I see?Make memories along the passage of time and movement of eyes. The girl held Tengo's hand and looked straight into his face.She never looked away for a moment.Tengo began to fail to understand the meaning of her actions, looking into the other's eyes demanding an explanation.There must be some misunderstanding, he thought, or something wrong.But there is neither misunderstanding nor error.What he figured out was that the girl's eyes were surprisingly clear and bright. He had never seen such a pair of clear and bright eyes without impurities before.Like a clear and bottomless spring.If you stare at it for a long time, you seem to be sucked in.So he moved his gaze aside, as if avoiding the other's eyes.He had to look away. He first looked at the wooden floor under his feet, then at the empty classroom door, and then turned his head slightly to look out the window.Meanwhile, Aomame's gaze did not waver.She gazed into Tengo's eyes looking out the window.His skin felt hot at her gaze.And her fingers gripped Tengo's left hand with constant strength.There was no wavering in that grip, no hesitation.She has nothing to fear.He wanted to convey this feeling to Tengo through his fingertips. Because the cleaning had just been done, the windows were wide open for ventilation, and the white curtains swayed slightly in the wind.Behind that is the vast sky.It's already December, but not too cold.There are clouds floating in the sky far away.It is a snow-white cloud that retains the charm of autumn, as if it has just been brushed.What else?Something is suspended under the clouds.sun?No, it's not.That's not the sun. Tengo held his breath and pressed his fingers to his temples, trying to peer deeper into his memory. Explore along the thin line of consciousness that seems to be broken at any time. By the way, there is a moon there. Although there is still some time before dusk, there is a moon floating there flickeringly.A three-quarter moon.Tengo was surprised.The sky is still so bright, and you can see such a big and clear moon!He still remembers it.The insensible gray rock seemed to be suspended by an invisible thread, floating in the low sky boredly.There is an artificial atmosphere in it.At first glance, it looks like a man-made fake moon, and it seems to be a small set for acting.But that is of course the real moon.certainly.Who would have the spare time to purposely hang a fake moon in the real sky? Suddenly she came to her senses, and Aomame no longer looked into Tengo's eyes, her eyes were facing the same direction as Tengo's.Like him, Aomame stared at the daytime moon floating there. Still holding Tengo's hand tightly, she had a very serious expression on her face.Tengo looked into her eyes again.Her eyes are not as clear as before.It was just a fleeting special clarity and brightness.However, this time he saw a solid crystal in it, which was both smooth and cold like frost.What exactly does that mean?Tengo didn't understand. Soon, as if she had made up her mind clearly, the girl abruptly let go of her hand, turned her back on Tengo, and walked out of the classroom quickly without saying a word.He never looked back once, leaving Tengo in a deep void. Tengo opened his eyes to relax his concentration, took a deep breath, and took a sip of bourbon, savoring the sensation of it passing down his throat and down his esophagus.Then take another breath in and out.Aomame's figure had disappeared.She turned around and walked out of the classroom.So, her figure disappeared from his life. Since then.Twenty years passed. It's the moon, Tengo thought. I saw the moon then.Aomame also saw the same moon.Gray rocks floating in a sky that was still very bright at 3:30 in the afternoon.Silent and lonely satellite.The two stood side by side, looking at the moon.But what exactly does that mean?Will the moon lead me to where Aomame is? It suddenly occurred to Tengo that perhaps Aomame had secretly entrusted some wish to Moon at that time.There may be some sort of secret pact between her and the moon.In her gaze towards the moon, there is an astonishing sincerity that makes one think so. Tengo had no idea what Aomame had entrusted to Moon at that time.But he could probably imagine what the moon had given her.It may be pure solitude and tranquility.That is the best thing the moon can give to mankind. Tengo paid the money, walked out of Wheat Head, and looked up at the sky.Did not see the moon.It was sunny and the moon must have come out.But on the road surrounded by buildings, the moon is not visible.He put his hands in his trouser pockets and walked from street to street, looking for the moon.He wanted to find a place with a wide view, but in Kouenji, such a place was not easy to find.The terrain here is flat, and it takes a lot of effort to find a slope.Not even a slightly higher place.It is possible to climb to the top of the building where you can look around, but there are no suitable buildings around you to climb to the top of the building. While wandering aimlessly, Tengo suddenly remembered that there was a children's park nearby.Used to go there on a walk.The park is not big, but remember there is a slide there.Climb up and look at the sky to see a little more openness.Although it is not very high, it is farther than staying on the ground. He walked towards the park.The hour hand of the watch pointed to nearly eight o'clock. The park was empty.A mercury lamp stands high in the middle, illuminating every corner of the park.There was a huge zelkova tree, still very thick with leaves.There are also some low flowers and trees, with drinking places, benches, swings, and slides.There is also a public toilet, but staff from the district government come to close and lock the door at dusk, perhaps to keep homeless people out.During the day, young mothers come here with their pre-kindergarten children, letting them play and gossiping lively among themselves.Tengo had seen this scene many times.But when it gets dark, almost no one visits. Tengo climbed up the slide and stood on it looking up at the night sky.A new six-storey apartment building was built to the north of the park.It didn't exist before, probably it was built recently.The building was like a wall blocking the sky to the north.But other directions are low-rise buildings.Tengo looked around and found the moon in the southwest.The moon hovers above an old two-story house.It is three quarters.It was the same as the moon twenty years ago, Tengo thought.Same size, same shape.Fortuitous coincidence.perhaps. But the moon floating in the night sky in early autumn is unusually bright, with the introspective warmth unique to this season.It feels very different from the moon hanging in the sky at 3:30 in the afternoon in December.The tranquil and natural light heals and comforts the hearts of the people.Just like the flowing of clear streams and the whispering of gentle leaves, it can heal and comfort people's hearts. Tengo stood on the top of the slide, looking up at the moon for a long time.From the direction of the circular line No. 7, there was a raging sound made up of various types of tires.The sound suddenly reminded Tengo of the nursing home in Chiba, where his father had been. The light of secular civilization in the city, as usual, erased the shadows of the stars.Although it was a clear night, only a few extraordinarily bright stars could be seen sporadically and faintly.Nevertheless, the moon can be seen clearly.The moon doesn't complain about the lighting, the noise, or the polluted air, and just floats there in an orderly manner.Looking out, you can recognize the wonderful shadows cast by the huge craters and the Grand Canyon.Tengo looked intently at the moonlight, and something like a memory passed down from ancient times in his heart was awakened.Long before man acquired fire, tools, and language, the moon has always been man's friend.As a god-given light, it illuminates the dark world from time to time and eases people's fears.Its roundness gives people the concept of time.Gratitude for this gratuitous mercy of the moon seems to be firmly imprinted in the genetics of man, even now that darkness has been driven from most lands.As a warm collective memory. Thinking about it carefully, it has been a long time since I looked at the moon carefully like this, Tengo thought. When was the last time you looked up at the moon?Hurriedly living in the city, before I knew it, I became only looking at the life under my feet.He even forgot to look up at the night sky. Then Tengo noticed that there was another moon floating in the corner a little away from that moon.At first he thought it was an illusion of the eyes, or an illusion created by the light. But no matter how many times you look, there's a second, chiseled moon there.He was speechless for a moment, with his mouth slightly open, just staring in that direction in a daze.What exactly did I see?Unable to calm consciousness.Outlines and entities are difficult to combine, just like ideas and words cannot be combined. another moon? Close your eyes and rub your cheek muscles with both palms.what's wrong with me?Didn't drink much wine!Tengo thought.He quietly took in a breath, and then let it out quietly, confirming that his consciousness was in a lucid state.who am I?Where are you now?doing what?Close your eyes and recheck in the dark.In September 1984, Tengo Kawana, Koenji, Suginami Ward, Children's Park, was looking up at the moon floating in the night sky.That's right. Then quietly opened his eyes and looked up at the sky again.Calm down and watch carefully. However, there are still two moons floating there. Not an illusion.There are two moons.Tengo clenched his right fist for a long time. The moon is still silent, but it is no longer alone.