Chapter 57 The fifty-seventh chapter Qingchang.would rather lose him

Sometimes late at night, he would go to her bedside and ask her softly, Qingchang, is it still so difficult.She nodded weakly without opening her eyes, and he walked away to watch TV or clean the kitchen.Sometimes in the early hours of the morning, he would come over and ask her, Qing Chang, is it still so difficult.She still nodded in the slightly bright sky, and he walked away again.Until one day she was able to communicate. He said, Qing Chang, people don't do things that go against their nature, if you are suffering like this, it is wrong to leave him.You can go for him, let go of your self-esteem, drop your suspicions, and talk to him once.Assuming only affection can complete you, why not try to get it.

After she calmed down, she became self-aware and said, I am different from his emotional model.I need feelings that are pure, firm, and fully affirmed.Such unrealistic idealism must be a tragedy, but I can't talk myself out of it.This is my belief.If I accept his random self-preservation balance split attitude, it is a compromise and surrender.I can't do it.Dingshan.It's his way, not mine.His way felt to me incomplete, incomplete, a form of self-deception and humiliation.I would rather lose him. He said that the actual situation is complicated, and maybe he has something to hide.Why not give him patience and time.

I am not impatient with time, she said.There is no problem waiting for him for 10 years.But I lost trust in his emotion. He wavered and hesitated, but he didn't actually have faith in this emotion.I don't need shows and drama and entertainment, I want validation and proof.I know that this way is too strong, rigid and conservative, dogmatic and stubborn, it will be broken and there will be no results.But I am willing to accept this ending.All I can do right now is admit defeat, keep quiet, and try to heal myself. He said, well, you rest and try to recover.Although it is painful, the pain will be reduced by 10% if I sleep one more night every day.Time is the best medicine.Day by day, all the pain and brokenness will eventually subside.That's all.

The emotion he brought was ignited like a fire, and the sky was full of fireworks.When it is extinguished, it is more urgent and realistic to see the desolation and decline of the situation.She knew that giving up on him was a kind of giving up on herself.The end with him made her no longer sure of her position in the world, and could only drift with the tide.Even so, she had to forcefully and support herself to continue to survive. Keep silent and fend for yourself.Like most everyday people, they live with patience. She never went back to the residence.According to Dingshan's wishes, he returned the house and lived with him.Dingshan is willing to take care of her.As far as she is concerned, she is also worried that Qing Chi will find her in a rented house after returning to China.After settling down, it takes more content and action to keep life busy and lose memories and emotions.In addition to literature work, she went to a private orphanage run by Americans as a volunteer, bathing, washing, hair-cutting, nail-cutting and feeding disabled children, and talking to them.For a long time, Qingchang felt that he had a social barrier, and he was always not good at communication, and he often had nothing to say to people.For this reason, her life is flawed and she has been living on the margins of society.But she can take on this job, and she doesn't need to be deliberate when dealing with young, sick and weak children, and she can understand the innocence by herself.One sentence from you, one sentence from me, endless topics.Ants on the ground, dew from flowers, dust in the beam of light, the sound of rain, the number of fingers, the color of clothes... everything can be answered patiently for half a day.

She taught them to recite ancient poems.The first song is "Spring Dawn".I don't feel dawn when I sleep in spring, and I hear birds singing everywhere.The night comes wind and rain, Whispering Colour.When I read it aloud, I feel that 20 Chinese characters are simple and clear, enough to cover one's life and arrange the past and future in place one by one. This ancient poem has a light-like Zen quality.Transparency, clarity, generalization penetrates everything.Like a letter from "empty", this sentence comes from a Japanese monk.During that time, she passed her leisure by reading Zen books.In this letter, she read about time and experience.When I read about the journey up the stone steps when I was a child, the white begonia petals that fell on the skirt were blown away by the wind and then fell to the empty valley.Reading the emotion in her heart that fluctuates gently like water waves and is as clear as ever, her love has not been dried up, but has only been damaged and hidden.As I read, the voice became lower and lower, and the children fell asleep one by one.Gently touching the soft little body, smelling the smell of young hair and skin that only belong to children, the pure fragrance is like the smell of a cub.The air slowly became silent, only the low vibration of the voice could be heard.

Unknowingly, a head of straight black and thick hair grew longer and reached her waist.She never goes to the barber for a trim, just washes and combs carefully.Sometimes it is braided into a thick long braid in the Indian style, with thin cotton threads of dark blue and dark red intertwined in the hair.In this way, spend the 30th birthday in the summer. People grow old in an instant.Qing Chang really felt that he was getting old.