Chapter 14 Chapter two

She turned off the light in the outer room, opened the white curtain and walked in. "Are you sleepy?" she asked me with a smile.She seemed to have lived with me for years. "Not sleepy," I said. "Are you sleepy? I'll make the bed." "You don't need to make the bed, there is no big man who can make the bed." She climbed onto the kang and spread the quilt skillfully. "Go and wash, the water outside will be ready for you." So I knew: 1. From now on, I don't need to make the bed and fold the quilt; 2. The "washing" she mentioned must be a necessary procedure.

After washing, I came in and she was already sleeping on the kang.so fast! I don't know what I should do at this time.There is only one quilt on the kang, but there are two pillows.How strange that in a moment a woman came running; she was not a man, she was a woman!And this woman is going to sleep next to me.No one can interfere, no one feels as weird as I do... But there must be some procedure, I think.I lit a cigarette. "You still smoke?" But there was no reproach in her tone. "Don't want to sleep yet." I smiled apologetically at her, "I'm excited."

She probably laughed too, but she didn't make a sound under the covers. "Xiangjiu, why did you marry me?" I sat down on the edge of the kang and asked her. She looked at the ceiling, was silent for a moment, and asked me, "Then why did you marry me?" "Do you remember eight years ago? In the reeds..." She laughed, trembling under the quilt. "Oh, do you remember?" "Of course, of course I do! I've been thinking about..." "I've long since forgotten!" she said decisively, interrupting me. She forgot!My heart sank.But I don't think she will forget.

"No, you won't forget. Otherwise, why did you recognize me as soon as you met?" "Sleep, sleep." She gently expressed her impatience. "What are you talking about? Now that we're together, I'm thinking about how to live in the future." "How do you live?" I asked embarrassingly, while slowly undressing.I should have a lot to say, I can say a lot, a lot of beautiful words, but now I can only follow her train of thought. "How to live?" She was lying on her back, sleeping straight. "The two of us are together, although the salary is not high, but there is no drag, we must live better than them! Those old women, who have mouths and no hair, what will they do? Huh! I don't like any of them!..."

Her tone suddenly became very angry, with contempt for "old women".It seemed as if her whole purpose in life was to start a "living" contest with those "old women" and outwit them. Woman, woman!I want to get to know you gradually.I took off my coat and trousers, and sat next to her against the wall.I'm going to finish my cigarette.I want to prolong this time a little longer.This time is worth pondering.This artistic conception is worth pondering.Here she lies!right under my feet.A tuft of shiny black hair was spread softly on the soft white pillow cover.Two crystal eyes stared at a small space.There may be many wonderful pictures in that space, and the black eyes are full of longing, hope and prospect, as well as calculations, expectations, and tension before the battle.The thin quilt could not cover her slim body.The metal plowshares pulled by the tractor contrasted sharply with her curvaceous breasts and belly.She can bear such heavy things because she has infinite elasticity.The phantom became reality and lost the color of beauty she could not grasp, but the reality was more moving than the phantom.

"Come on," she said. I lifted the quilt, and it turned out that she was exactly the same as the one I saw in the reeds... "Maybe I'm just too excited," I said. However, I say this only to cover up my shame, my guilt, and my frustration. Here is a scalding swamp in which I writhe; here is a volcano of seething lava, both magnificent and terrifying to me; The sticky tentacles entangled me forcefully and dragged me to the bottom of the sea; this is a colorful sponge attached to the white coral, it desperately sucked all the water from my body, so that I almost collapsed; this is the desert This is the mirage above; this is the oasis in the mirage; this is the garden of the giant in the fairy tale; this is the oldest fairy tale, and the oldest fairy tale is the freshest, the most elusive... The earliest human Wrestling is not between man and man, man and beast, but between man and woman.This kind of struggle is endless; this kind of struggle must not only rely on strength and courage, but also rely on emotion, strength in the soul, and innate artistic intuition...Only in the struggle of opposites can balance, peace, and unity be achieved. , to achieve perfection, while maintaining their own characteristics, their independence...

But I lost the fight!I lost my identity, I lost my independence. I was sweating like I just got out of the tub, but the soles of my feet were cold.After panting for a while, I leaned back slightly and murmured: "I want to drink water." She rolled over, lifted the quilt and sat up. "You can't, there are many things to do!" Although she said so, she still got down from the kang and poured me a glass of water.The water hit the glass with a metallic crash. "Here!" She handed the water to me.I reach for the cup in the dark and hold her hand at the same time.

"Sorry." I said.I want to pull her to sit beside me. She shook off my hand, climbed onto the kang and got into bed again. "I'm sorry. I'll try again next time." I couldn't see the expression on her face, but her voice was calm. We passed a few days in peace. I tried my best to experience happiness bit by bit from these few days.First of all, someone cooked for me, and the cafeteria that I had eaten for nearly twenty years finally bid farewell to me.Returning from the pasture, driving the horses into the stables, and returning to the two shabby barns, there must be a meal waiting for me on the beautiful table, and every meal will amaze me.The vegetables and food are exactly the same as those eaten in the cafeteria, but they are endowed with wonderful taste and color through her hands.She said: "If we want to eat like you, our ration is not enough!" But I still take this sentence as an encouragement to me.

Secondly, in front of the warehouse, I leveled a flat ground with a shovel and a stone rammer.The flat ground reflects sunlight, sunlight and moonlight shiningly in the deserted beach with grass on three sides, like a precious Tianhuang stone.After dinner, I can sit on this flat ground and daydream. On the day of the wedding, an Anhui man who sold ducklings came to our village on a bicycle.She bought four of them and held the little yellow furry lives in her hands. "If only they were all ducks," she said.She was happy that day.The female philosopher with big feet said: "You live in a warehouse, and mice must be indispensable." So she gave us a weaned kitten.White stripes are sandwiched in the gray fur, which is very lively.In this way, our little family is established and has a group of members.The ducklings are chirping, and the kittens are meowing, eating, drinking and playing in the courtyard I have leveled out.In fact, like them, I have just begun to get acquainted with this new living environment.

However, her moodiness, her unnatural smile, and her pity hidden under her meekness and thoughtfulness, destroyed my sense of happiness.I have an inexplicable inferiority complex and feel a subtle inequality between us.Is this happiness?Is happiness simply an improved quality of food and housing?I don't care about reading.I have lost even the tranquility of my solitude.The yellow setting sun, the drifting sunset glow, the thin sheep with curly hair blown by the evening wind in the twilight, the dust that has not fallen on the road for a long time, the tired animals whose skin is worn out by the shafts and reins , the composition is still a long and slow "Andante like a song", which not only still arouses a gloomy and sad mood in my heart, but also infiltrates a new sense of anxiety.

She dangles by my side every day.She is proud.She is a vigorous female animal put into the Colosseum.She waits for me to conquer her.But I felt it the first night, I knew it, I knew it unmistakably, I had lost the ability! Maybe it has something to do with the atmosphere?Maybe some mental block?While she was not at home, I quietly covered the messy corpses with another newspaper; I asked her to change another thin quilt under the pretext that it was hot under the new quilt.After removing the corpses and the tractor, what else is there?I'm dazedly waiting for the next time... A few nights later, her hand guided me, and my hand was like a flat boat, swimming all over her territorial waters in the dark and stormy waves.Troughs and valleys.Warm ocean.There was a tremor coming from the depths of the sea, as if the earth was going to float away under my feet.But I discovered with trepidation: there are mountains covered with rain and mist, there is a new continent with humid air, there are waterfalls flying down, and there are colorful butterflies flying in my consciousness.There is no notion of language here.This is the most chaotic prehistoric state.Two clumps of protoplasm with no fixed shape.Two paramecia with tiny cilia fluttering all over their bodies.Everything emanates from the solar plexus.Radiation waves are emitted from the solar plexus to the whole body... Oh, how my head aches! She gently pushed me away. "Are you sick?" she asked me with a sigh. "I don't know..." I rubbed my temples that were running violently, and whispered, "In the past...I don't know..." "You really haven't had one in the past?" "No." I sighed deeply. "Really do not have." She squirmed a few times, shook off the quilt, and the steam-like hot quilt felt a little cooler.I feel much more comfortable. "Is it because you couldn't do it because you were sick in the past, and you didn't have it in the past..." "No." I defended myself like a suspect. "No. It's because, because there are no conditions, no opportunities..." "Then," she hesitated, "I don't even want to mention that, so what about that time eight years ago?" "Eight years ago?..." I couldn't explain it.I can't concentrate.I can't explain it even with concentration, because I don't fully understand it myself. I rolled over and sat up, reaching for the cigarette on the lid of the box. "Give me one too," she said suddenly. A ball of sparks lit up in the darkness, very dazzling.Then it went out.But there are two sparks silently shining. After smoking half a cigarette, I slowly said, "I think it's probably because of my long-term depression." "Depression? What is depression?" She sucked on the cigarette in large mouthfuls, and then spit it out in large mouthfuls. "Suppression, that is, it means 'hold back'." She laughed jokingly: "I have so many words!" "Yes." I followed my train of thought, "In the labor camp, you know, everyone talks about whatever they have to do at night. But I try not to think about such things and think about other things; in the single dormitory , the same is true, when everyone is talking dirty, I cover my ears and read a book, thinking about problems... I hold back and hold back, and after a long time, this ability will be lost." I added another sentence without confidence: "Maybe , it will get better gradually in the future." "So, what are you thinking about? Why are you reading? What's the use of thinking and reading?" "A person with a head always thinks: Is this how we live? Is our country going to be like this?..." "Forget it! You're useless, you'll just play tricks." She threw a long stick of cigarettes towards the corner.A fiery arc was drawn in the darkness. "There are people who think about it, and there are people who study, and they are not like you! I heard people say that an old monk who has studied the scriptures for most of his life and has never touched a woman can do it when he comes up. People say: Thirty is like a wolf, Forty is like a tiger. You are in your prime, I can't even tease you like this, you must be born with something wrong." "In this regard, of course you have more experience than me." I suddenly became hostile to her.Without defeating her, she and I were my enemies. "Eight years ago, you still wanted to have sex with someone in the labor camp!" "Why do you still mention it? You useless person! Half human!" My words offended her, and she became even more annoyed. "Eight years ago... Humph! If you pounced on me that day, I would immediately hand you over to Captain Wang for additional punishment! At that time, I was trying to make meritorious service! You still think that I miss you and love you! Take a pee and take care of yourself!" The shadow and the body are completely separated!