Chapter 11 Chapter Eleven

Mulan, you once asked me, why did you marry your father?You also asked me, since I was unwilling at the time, why didn't I refuse?Why have you never heard me complain in the decades since. I always laugh without answering these questions.It's not that I didn't answer on purpose, it's that I don't know where to start.You must know that the answers to many questions have been hidden in the long years, and the answers will not be revealed until that day. Now I am old, very old.The heart is older than the face, and a pair of old feet have gone through many answers. Some of these answers were expected and some surprised me.But no matter what, they let me understand one by one that my life is not a pale life, and the happiness it experiences is as much as the suffering it endures.What a blessing to be a woman to have so much happiness and misery.

Why did I marry your father. Why reluctant, but did not refuse. This is the last answer I've seen in my life.I would like to give an answer to this. I said that in my life, I only arranged for myself once, and the only time was to join the army.I ran away from home desperately, left my mother who was alone, and joined the People's Liberation Army.From then on, when I was talking about the army, I never arranged for myself.I handed myself over to the organization, completely.The organization handed me over to your father again, and it was also completely handed over. until today.

Today your father suddenly left me and left first.When we got married, he said he would stay with me for the rest of his life, but now he doesn't even say hello, and leaves first.Yes, you said he had a cerebral hemorrhage, and you said that cerebral hemorrhages are so sudden.But I still can't accept that, anyway, he didn't keep his word. He said he would stay with me for the rest of his life, but he only stayed with me for 48 years. I was 20 years old when our days together began 48 years ago.In Qamdo. At the end of 1950, we finally arrived in Qamdo after untold hardships.Despite the sacrifice of so many comrades and the downfall of so many yaks, we finally delivered all the supplies to the frontline troops, completed the arduous task of transportation, and finally reached Qamdo together with the large troops.

Qamdo is the gateway to Tibet.Although this is only one-third of the journey to Tibet, and not the most difficult one-third, we are still very happy.Especially when we were praised for successfully completing the transportation task, the pride and happiness in our hearts were indescribable.This is the first time I have completed the task assigned by my superior after joining the army. Before we reached Qamdo, our army had won a decisive victory in the Battle of Qamdo.After that, the Tibetan local government finally sat down in Beijing and held peace talks with the central government. In order to show the sincerity of the peace talks, our army into Tibet stationed in Qamdo.One stay is half a year.

After a brief rest, the troops devoted themselves to the construction of the Kham-Tibet Highway.Our female soldier transportation team was disbanded because it completed the transportation task from Ganzi to Qamdo.Some female soldiers were assigned to hospitals, some to art teams, and some to propaganda departments.I was assigned to Captain Su, Wu Fei and Zhao Yuening, and 7 of us were assigned to the division's art team. Since then, my fate has taken a new turn.At that time, I had changed a lot compared to when I first set off from West Sichuan. The death of the administrator and Liu Yurong became a haunting shadow in my heart.

Fortunately, young, life still has sunshine and happiness. I worked as a radio operator in the propaganda team of the division's literary work team. Every night, I watched an old-fashioned radio, collecting major news at home and abroad, and then sorted out and published it in the "Battlefield News" run by our division.I like this job very much, because whenever I listen to domestic and foreign news, I feel very close to the mainland. In addition to collecting news at night, I also went up the mountain with other comrades to cut horse grass and collect firewood during the day to prepare for the next move.At that time, I was young, and no matter how late I went to bed at night, I still worked vigorously during the day.The superior made a rigid rule for us on this task. Each person must reserve 300 catties of horse grass and 500 catties of firewood within a week.Thinking about it now, even in the Western Sichuan Plain, it is not so easy to complete this task, let alone in Tibet?But at that time, it seemed that no difficulty was considered difficult. When I received a task, I only knew to work hard to complete it, and I never complained, let alone bargained.

Every morning we go up the mountain to collect firewood.When the firewood was packed and went down the mountain, I was always so hungry that my chest was pressed against my back, and I couldn't carry the bundle of firewood, so I had to drag it.Sometimes I was too hungry to walk, so I grabbed a handful of snow and ate a handful of fried barley.However, it is also very uncomfortable to eat too much barley and not understand the stool. Even so, I feel that life is much easier. After all, I don’t have to climb snow-capped mountains and cross glaciers every day, and I don’t have to set up tents to drive yaks every day.

I completely forgot my birthday that day.It's hard to think about yourself in hard times. When we woke up in the morning, our eyes were still blurry from drinking.The so-called four-eyed paste is the nickname we give to the food substitute powder. After arriving in Qamdo, the troops still faced food shortages, and each of us was given 4 or two generations of food flour per day.One meal is only a little more than 1 tael, and every time the paste is as clear as water, if you look into the pot, there are two eyes on the top and two eyes in the pot.So everyone called it four-eyed blurred vision.Some male soldiers put it more humorously, they called it "object".

After drinking, Captain Su said, our task today is to paint slogans.We were overjoyed to hear that.Brushing slogans is our favorite job.why do you like it?Let's talk about this later. Just as she was about to go out, the messenger in the division came to inform Captain Su that Commissar Wang was coming to a meeting today and told her to wait.Captain Su blushed upon hearing this.She hasn't seen Commissar Wang since we arrived in Qamdo.In other words, since we left Ganzi, she has not seen Commissar Wang.She never said it, but we knew she was thinking about it. Captain Su blushed and said, "Xuemei, then you will be in charge."

I said no problem, don't worry.We made faces at her, grabbed our things and ran. The weather was fine that day, the sky was blue and blue, like washing water.I feel like a heart of mine is bare and alive to the sun.Wu Fei, Zhao Yuening, and the young Xiao Mao were also very happy.Since I entered the Tibetan area, the sky was so blue most days, but I still felt it that day. I looked up at the sky and couldn't help but sing: the glaciers thaw in spring, and everything in spring Resurrection. As soon as I sang a few lines, a few male soldiers passing by shouted, great singing!Sing one more!This shout made me feel embarrassed to sing.I didn't sing, but the male soldiers sang instead. They sang to us female soldiers: Every revolutionary soldier wants a wife, and I hope the superiors will give each one a wife.

It's not the first time we've heard this song, but I still feel pissed and annoyed.I decided to suppress them with my own singing, so I sang loudly: All revolutionary soldiers must keep in mind the three major disciplines and eight points of attention. Wu Fei and Zhao Yuening also sang along with me.We sang confidently, and when the male soldiers saw this, they were embarrassed to sing again, laughed for a while and ran away. We put up promotional slogans according to the arrangement of our superiors. We are familiar with the road and work quickly.But I don't know if the morning meal replacement powder is too thick, or the weather is too cold, anyway, I'm hungry as soon as 10 o'clock. My stomach was rumbling, and I was too embarrassed to say anything.As a result, Xiao Mao spoke first.Xiao Mao is one of the youngest in our art team, about the same age as Xiao Zhao, like a child.He said loudly, I am so hungry, who has the money to buy a cake?When he said this, he looked at us lesbians, because he knew that only we lesbians had money, and that was the sanitation fee given to us by our superiors, which was 3 silver dollars a month.He once gave advice to Captain Su about this, and he said why lesbians have sanitation fees and our male comrades don't.Don't we gay men need to talk about hygiene?Captain Su didn't know how to explain it to him at the time, so he had to buy cakes with the health fee and treat him to eat.There is nothing to buy in Qamdo City, only cakes, five silver dollars each.Usually we would rather use some messy substitutes to solve the monthly women's problems, but also save money to fill our stomachs. But on that day, I mean on my birthday, we were penniless, so we didn't say anything after Xiao Mao said it.Xiao Mao simply said to me, Sister Xuemei, let's buy a pancake.Xiao Maoguan, we female soldiers are called sisters.I shook my head in embarrassment, then comforted Xiaomao and said, don't worry, I have a handful of flour left from making the paste today, let's boil it tonight and drink it. I just said we like to brush signs, and here's why.When we painted the slogan, we could get a small pot of flour from the logistics department, and we always made the paste as thin as possible, saving some flour to cook the paste.Xiao Mao murmured, I'm hungry now, let's go back and cook now. When we were a little embarrassed by hunger, Xiao Zhao suddenly cried out in surprise: "Come and see, come and see." We didn't know what happened, so we ran over to see it.Under a corner of the wall, we saw a line of words written in black charcoal: Bai Xuemei, I love you. My face flushed instantly, and I wiped it with my hands desperately.But where can I wipe it off?In our opinion at that time, such words were not beautiful, but shameful, disgraceful, and being teased by others. Wu Fei saw that I was in such a hurry, so she brushed a layer of paste on it, and then poured some soil on it to cover it.Everyone laughed there, saying that they didn't know which daredevil did it.Zhao Yuening said, look at that stinking word, how can we Xuemei like it. This sudden incident disturbed my mind and my stomach stopped growling.I wonder who did this, what a shame. Of course, we are not surprised by such a thing.At that time, 90% of the leaders above the battalion, not to mention the soldiers, were bachelors in the army entering Tibet, so we, the few female soldiers, became the focus of everyone's attention.Although singing songs like "Every revolutionary soldier wants a wife" is a joke, the message is unmistakable.However, most of our female soldiers are female students, and we still have romantic ideas about marriage, so we all adopt an evasive attitude towards such matters. In fact, after arriving in Changdu, the superiors put forward the slogan of "supporting the frontier and building Tibet for a long time".At first I didn't understand what the slogan meant to me. I just thought, okay, long term.Anyway, there are revolutions everywhere. When I first entered Tibet, I thought (not just me, I am afraid everyone thought so) that we would go back to the interior after Tibet was liberated.But now the superiors propose not only to march into Tibet, but also to build and defend Tibet, that is to say, we have to stay, stay in Tibet.We also quickly accepted.As far as we are concerned, whatever the party calls for revolution, we will happily accept it without turning a corner. But since this call was put forward, the organization has started to make plans for some veteran cadres to start a family.At that time, the only ones who could marry them were our female soldiers.So many of us female soldiers were asked to talk.Except for very young ones like Zhao Yuening, almost every lesbian was not left behind.We finally understand that building Tibet for a long time means starting a family in Tibet, or more directly, marrying a Tibetan soldier. It scares me.I am not afraid of settling down in Tibet, but I am afraid of settling down with someone I don't like.At that time, I already had a hazy feeling for Dr. Xin.From Ganzi to Qamdo, Dr. Xin has been with us day and night, although I pay attention to the distance between me and him.But this distance did not affect my getting closer to him in my heart.I'm not sure what kind of relationship that is, but I always feel that there should be something between me and him. But at the same time, I know very realistically that it is absolutely impossible to fall in love with Dr. Xin.Because there were too few female comrades who followed the army into Tibet, the organization had clearly stipulated that before the road to Tibet was completed, all male comrades under the age of 30, under the regiment, and who had participated in the revolution for less than 10 years were not allowed to enter Tibet. The troops are looking for objects.That is to say, priority should be given to solving the marriage problems of older and senior comrades. I know I can't fall in love with him, but I want to wait for him.Wait until he can. And I promised to wait for him. I was washing clothes by the river when Dr. Xin came to say goodbye to me.He called me, and when I looked up and saw him, I blushed.It was a flush of uncontrollable shyness. I stood up and said, why are you here?where have you beenWhy haven't I seen you for several days?I sent out a series of questions, and this series of questions brought out my mind. He looked at me with a smile and said like looking at a child, look at your face. I don't know what's wrong with my face, I don't have a mirror.I lay down on the river and took a picture, but I still couldn't see it clearly.He just pulled a towel from his waist and wiped it for me, it was my chin.Probably when I was cooking in the morning, I lay on the ground and blowing on the fire, and my chin was covered with ashes. He wiped my chin and tucked the towel back around his waist—he was always so neat and lean, as if he had never crossed a snow mountain or a glacier—and said to me, I’m here to say goodbye to you of. I felt sad all of a sudden. I had heard before that that he was going to be transferred.At that time, a doctor like him who came out of a regular medical school was a treasure in the army and wanted everywhere.As soon as our transport team completed the mission, he also completed the mission, so the organization has decided to transfer him to a field regiment far away from the division headquarters.Even though I knew he was going to leave and leave us, he still felt very sad when he said that himself, and I didn't want him to go.I want to see him every day. But I didn't show it.At that time, we were not used to expressing our personal feelings.Really, I can do it without restraint.I twisted the clothes on my hands and said calmly, I know.Are you leaving now? He said yes, let's go now.So come to say goodbye to you. I didn't speak, and went to twist the clothes again.I think he came here specially to say goodbye to me, which means he has me in his heart.This gives me some comfort.But I still can't speak.Many emotions cannot be translated into words. He said, I am not worried about your health. There is still a very difficult road from Qamdo to Lhasa. Can you do it? I nod.I said, where else can I suffer?I can do it for sure. He also said, if you feel that something is wrong, you should pay attention to rest and don't hold on.I found that you are very strong, you like to push yourself when you are young. I laughed.I like it when he says that about me.I said I will take care of myself, don't worry. He said then I'm leaving.But after he finished speaking, he didn't leave, he still stood there. I suddenly said, don't you want to hear me sing?Shall I sing you a song?My face turned red as soon as the words came out of my mouth. I didn't expect to say that, but at that time, I just wanted him to stay with me for a while.He has said many times that he wants to hear me sing, but I have always been embarrassed to sing for him. He happily said yes, but immediately said embarrassingly, no, there is no time, they are waiting for me.I nodded regretfully. That's when I said that sentence. I said, well, bye.I will wait for you in Lhasa. His eyes lit up and he said, really, you are waiting for me in Lhasa. From his expectant eyes, I understood the weight of the words I said.I looked at him and nodded cautiously. Why didn't I wait for him?I am willing to wait for him. I threw the clothes into the basin, shook the water off my hand, and wanted to shake his hand and say goodbye.But he put his hands behind his back, smiled childishly, and said, don't shake it now, and shake it when we arrive in Lhasa and meet in victory. I was a little surprised. You know, at that moment, how much I wanted to hold his hand. He went, carrying his backpack, and disappeared into the valley.I suddenly thought, for a young man like him, with such a family background, such talent and ambition, and many thoughts and ideas that no one else had in mind, he entered Tibet not only with simple enthusiasm and ideals, He also had greater ambition and greater conviction, and what a different young man he was. At that moment, I suddenly had a kind of concern, a deep concern for a person who had just passed away. In the later days, I recalled this situation countless times, and determined countless times, did I make a promise to him?The answer is yes. But I failed to keep my promise. When we returned to the station after brushing up the slogans, Political Commissar Wang had already left. Captain Su was washing his clothes while humming, a rare blush appeared on his face.We gathered around and asked, how is it, how is Commissar Wang?Captain Su said with a smile, it's still the same.Let's say it's still like that?She said it was intact. Seeing her so happy, I was about to say something, but she suddenly turned around and said, Hey, Xuemei, Chief of Staff Ou is also here. I gave her a strange look and said, who is Chief of Staff Ou. She said you forgot, when we were in Ganzi, he came to visit us at Ram's house with us Lao Wang. I vaguely remembered that there was such a person.I said what does his coming have to do with me. Captain Su said meaningfully, Chief of Staff Ou asked about you.He's very impressed with you. I didn't speak.I don't know what to say. At this time, the correspondent came to call me and said that the head of the organization section wanted to talk to me. Wu Fei immediately made a funny face at me.We all understand what it means to organize the section chief to talk to lesbians.I was thinking about the sentence I saw on the wall just now, about what Captain Su said, and about Dr. Xin, and I became upset for a moment. I dillydally went. The head of the organization section didn't know what I was thinking, so he said, Comrade Bai Xuemei, you are 20 years old. I said, not yet. He said, is it full?I remember you turned 20 this month. When he said this, I remembered that today is my birthday.It seems that the organization remembers better than I do. The head of the organization section said kindly that he had not considered personal issues. I blushed suddenly. I blushed not because I was embarrassed, but because I was touched by something on my mind. The section chief thought I was embarrassed, and quickly explained that the personal problem I was talking about was not getting married right away, but finding a partner first, and talking about it after a period of time.The higher authorities have already proposed long-term building of Tibet, we must not only accept it in thought, but also show it in action.How do you think about this issue. I'm a little guilty, I wonder if he knows what I'm thinking?But thinking about it again, I'm just a hazy thought, and I don't even know what I'm thinking. Seeing that I didn't say a word, the section chief thought I accepted it, so he went further and said, you know Captain Su's lover, right? I said I know.Isn't it the political commissar Wang of the advance detachment? He was right.Have you seen his partner, Chief of Staff Ou of our division? I froze for a moment, why is it him again?But I still shook my head.I want to appear distant. The chief of the organization section said, Chief of Staff Ou has met you and has a good impression of you. I didn't say anything, I just met once, how could he have a good impression of me?It must be the section chief's nonsense. It was a long time later that I heard from your father that he said this, not that the chief of the organization section was talking nonsense.When he was in Ganzi, he met me twice, one time on the river beach, when we went to visit their camp, we couldn't help singing and frolicking, and he yelled at me. Once, he and Political Commissar Wang came to our residence to see Captain Su's mother and son, and I took them upstairs to our Ram's house.But my attention was on Commissar Wang at the time, and I wanted to see what our Captain Su's lover looked like. At that time, I was very happy and lively, which left a deep impression on your father.In that poor and difficult environment, every young girl's smile will be as bright as the sun. Your father said, I left singing.This sentence made me believe what he said was true, because I really loved singing at that time. But he didn't know that after the journey from Ganzi to Qamdo, I had changed a lot.I laughed less and less and sang less and less. The head of the organization section began to introduce your father to me.I was absent-minded and just shook my head.The head of the organization section saw me shaking his head, and said dissatisfiedly, you haven't seen anyone yet, why are you shaking your head?I said section chief, I'm only 20 years old, isn't it too early?The section chief said that 20 years old is too early? At the age of 20, she is already an old girl in the countryside.I still shake my head.The section chief said, you can get to know each other first, and then you can get to know each other better.To tell you the truth, Chief of Staff Ou is a very good officer. He not only knows how to fight, but also likes to read books. I still shake my head. The section chief got a little anxious and said that I am not talking to you on behalf of an individual, but on behalf of a first-level organization.Do you trust the organization. I got angry and said how could I not trust the organization?I have given everything to the organization, my destiny, my ideal future, and everything to the organization.Don't believe I can hand it in?The section chief said that's right, the organization will never introduce anyone to you casually. It was all carefully considered. He suddenly added: Unless you already have someone in your heart. This time I shook my head even more.Maybe his face turned red even more.Immediately I thought of Dr. Xin.Is he in my heart?What about me, am I the one in his heart?We didn't even hold hands, everything was just a hazy feeling.I shook my head in my heart, I didn't want to implicate him. So I said, section chief, where did you think of it? I decided to temporarily put aside Dr. Xin's factors and think about this matter independently. To be honest, I do have my own opinion on the matter. I said to the section chief, section chief, since you are here to talk to me on behalf of the organization, I want to talk about my true thoughts.When I voluntarily signed up to join the army to enter Tibet, my whole heart and mind was to liberate Tibet, liberate the last piece of land on the mainland of the motherland, and complete the great cause of the reunification of the motherland.So even though I heard some nasty comments at the time, I didn't care. The section chief said, what an ugly comment. I said, don't you know?Some people commented that we female soldiers were specially recruited for leading cadres and entered Tibet to solve the marriage problems of leading cadres.I think it's an insult to us lesbians.Although we are lesbians, we also have lofty ideals. We definitely did not come to the army just to get married.But isn't it just responding to these ugly comments by doing so now?Isn't this disrespectful to us? The section chief looked at me in surprise, he didn't expect me to say that.He opened his mouth slightly and his eyes widened. To be honest, I didn't expect that such a sharp question would come out of my mouth. But the section chief was the section chief, so he immediately calmed down.He said, I believe you came to the army for the revolution.I also came to the army for the revolution. I don’t think all of us joined the revolution and marched into Tibet for personal gain, right?However, one has to learn to see things holistically.You are for the revolution, aren't you leading cadres?They suffered more and sacrificed more.Why did they not have a family?Just for the revolution.You want to be respected and happy, don't leading cadres want it?They are human beings and want to live a normal life.They were born and died to make revolution, shouldn't the organization consider them?Shouldn't you help them solve their problems? What the chief said left me speechless.Yeah, I really didn't think about it that way.I thought leading cadres were leading cadres. I didn't say they were not human, but I didn't treat them as ordinary people. To be precise, I didn't treat them as ordinary men. But I still feel awkward.I do not speak. The head of the organization section took a breather and said, besides, the leading cadres of our army are all outstanding comrades. They are brave, upright, hard-working, and capable, otherwise they would not have reached leadership positions.You should not hold prejudices against leading cadres.I heard that there is a saying among you lesbians that leading cadres are "respectable, admirable or cute". I burst out laughing. The section chief said, this is one-sided, who said leading cadres are not cute?You will understand when you meet Chief of Staff Ou... In fact, they are not very old, at most they are in their 30s.Chief of Staff Europe just turned 30.Xiaobai, I want to tell you that you can disagree with the organization's introduction, but you should not feel that marrying a leading cadre means that you have suffered a lot of grievances.In my opinion, you still have to study harder. I am speechless. The head of the organization section finally said, of course, this is a major event in life, and the organization does not force you, you can make the final decision yourself. When I heard this, I felt relieved. Not long after, I met your father. Since the organization had already made an introduction, he thought it was only natural for him to come to see me.He came.I don't want to, there is no sunshine on my face, it is cloudy, and there is fog.This surprised your father. He said that I seemed to have grown old all of a sudden, without the joy when we first met, and without singing. I think I am really getting old, I seem to be many years older than when I started. He came to the division for a meeting and said that Political Commissar Wang had something to bring to Captain Su, so he came to our art team.I was about to go out when he walked in.My first impression was that it was very tall, and the room was dark when I blocked the door—of course, our room was already dark, and there were 4 people crowded in a hut of a few square meters. He walked in, followed by a little soldier, probably his messenger.The little soldier looked at me with his head, and then stood outside the door.Captain Su greeted him with a smile, and also took Wu Fei and Zhao Yuening away. No matter how emotional I feel, I also know the basic manners. In the army, he is the leader and I am the soldier.So I still respectfully called him chief, and then looked down at the ground without speaking.I lowered my head and didn't look at him. Another reason was that I was embarrassed. After all, it was the first time I saw a man for such a reason. Without being flustered at all, he sat down and asked me questions like a superior to a subordinate.Looking back now, I must have been too ungirly to make him flustered.Let's put it this way, if I were mixed with the male soldiers at that time, I would be pretty much the same except for my thin stature.My hair is as short as a male soldier, and I wear a hat all day long. I always wear a military cotton jacket with a belt.As long as I don't speak, I'm no different from his little correspondent. We just sat and talked so primly.Whatever he asked, I answered. But when he said, it looks like your body is weak, I got angry. At that time, the last thing I wanted was to be called weak.I said angrily, that is, I am weak and inexperienced, and I get sick every three days.But he didn't realize that I was angry, and said very seriously, then you must pay attention to exercise.The next step is to march to Lhasa. The journey will be very difficult, and it is impossible to go there if we are not in good health. I laughed in my heart, thinking that this person was too straightforward.He said, do you have a problem with me?I said I don't know you well, what's your opinion?He said, why is your face full of dissatisfied expressions?I couldn't help but laugh out loud.He didn't smile, but still said seriously, "I hope we can get along with each other honestly, and we can bring forward any opinions we have."I said no opinion, really no opinion.But I said in my heart, I haven't promised to get along with you yet, how can I be honest. After sitting for less than 10 minutes, he left and said that he would come to see me again in the future.I breathed a sigh of relief.Before leaving, he took out a small piece of beef jerky and a small piece of ghee from his satchel, and said that you should eat more Tibetan food so that you can adapt to life on the plateau.Seeing these two things, I felt happy all of a sudden, these were the treasures at that time.But I tried not to look and sent him out the door. In the light outside the house, I looked up at him, and found that he was very straight-looking, and... not really old. The little messenger was standing there stamping his feet because of the cold.Seeing us coming out, he hurried to lead the horse.Your father introduced that this is Xiao Feng, the correspondent of the detachment.Then he told Xiao Feng, this is Comrade Bai Xuemei.Xiao Feng looked at me, then at your father, and grinned.His smile makes me feel very kind.Your father patted him on the shoulder and said gently, let's go, let's go back. In the evening Wu Fei and Captain Su asked me how I feel?I immediately curled my lips and said, the head of the organization section said he was both civil and military, but I saw neither his literary nor his martial arts.Captain Su said, after only a short while, what can you see. When I said this, the 4 of us in the same room were sharing the ghee and beef jerky he brought.Wu Fei said, don't be unconscionable, eat other people's food and say bad things about them.I said it wasn't what I wanted, he brought it himself.The little Zhao Yuening said while eating, Sister Xuemei, why don't you let him visit you often in the future, so that we can often eat beef jerky.I said thanks to you, you can figure it out and fill your stomach with my marriage?I don't do it.Everyone is happy.Zhao Yuening looked at us incomprehensibly.She just turned 15.She was the only lesbian whom the organization section chief didn't talk to. Captain Su laughed and said, Xuemei, I think Chief of Staff Ou is really good.People also look more energetic than our Lao Wang.I said Captain Su, what are you doing?Also became the chief of the organization?Captain Su said yes, I will not.But she said it again, she said that although Chief of Staff Ou is a military cadre, he likes to read very much.I heard from our Lao Wang that whenever he is free, he picks up a book and reads it.Do you know what his ideal is?read more, walk more. This made my heart move.I like people who love to read.I didn't expect a chief of staff to have such ideals.But I immediately thought of Dr. Xin, I believe he must also love reading.I remembered the look in his eyes at the time of parting, full of concern and tenderness.Where did he transfer to?Why is there no news at all? I really want to ask Captain Su, but I dare not.Captain Su will definitely criticize me when he finds out. Wu Fei waved her hand in front of my eyes, she said hey hey, what are you thinking?Absently.We are discussing your marital affairs.I interrupted embarrassedly, Captain Su, tell me about you, why did you marry Commissar Wang?Was it also introduced by the organization?Do you think you are happy?Captain Su said that it was introduced by the organization.I think we're fine.When she said this, she really had a very satisfied expression on her face.Wu Fei asked curiously, how did you figure it out?How do you want to?Captain Su said, I don't have anything to think about, and it is my blessing to be able to marry him. It's not the first time I've heard her say this.But I'm still a little unconvinced, really?I asked. Captain Su nodded, and she said, you know, I joined the army to escape marriage.In order to escape marriage, I cut off my fingers. How is it not a blessing for me, a poor girl whose father doesn't love me, to be able to work in the army and marry a good man like Lao Wang?I am really content. Captain Su said while covering Zhao Yuening with a quilt, the little Zhao Yuening was already asleep. I couldn't sleep that night.I miss Captain Su for a while, and your father for a while.I think there is something very similar about them.I can't tell what it is. Unexpectedly, when we met for the second time, there was a conflict. That day when I was working the night shift to collect domestic news, I overheard the news of a flood in my hometown. The news reported that the Jialing River had reached the highest water level in history.Although our family lived in a relatively high location on a small hillside, this news aroused my homesickness, and my mood suddenly became dark. I missed my mother.After leaving my mother, I have not heard from her.After arriving in Qamdo, I wrote to her, but I don't know if she received it.Because I was in a bad mood, I couldn’t fall asleep after returning from the night shift, so I took out the Bible my mother gave me, held it in my hand, and stroked it. I couldn’t help crying. At this time, your father came.He saw the book in my hand at a glance, and he is very sensitive to books.He immediately asked, what book are you reading? I know that it is very inappropriate to bring such a book to the army, and I never took it out along the way.I hastened to cover up trying to hide it.But his hand is fast, and he has already taken it.As soon as he saw the title of the book, his expression changed, and before I could explain it, he said sharply, what do you think of this kind of book. I said I didn't watch it, I just took it out to have a look.When I was in a hurry, I couldn't explain clearly. Your father said angrily, you are a soldier, how can you read this kind of book. I said it was given to me by my mother. No matter who gave it to you, you shouldn't read it, he said. His expression was serious and his voice was stern.I wasn't in a good mood at first, but hearing his indiscriminate criticism made me angry too.I grabbed the book and said, what happened to this kind of book?It is not counter-revolutionary.And it's beautifully written. He was taken aback, probably not expecting me to talk back.He stood up angrily and said, I don't care if it is beautiful or not, I only know that it is a religious book, and it is related to faith.What is your belief?Isn't it communism?If you believe in communism, why read such a book. I am speechless.I'm sure I'm not reading it for faith, but...how can I make it clear. 你们父亲见我不吭声，语重心长地说，白雪梅同志，你已经不是女学生了，你是一个军人，是一个革命者，我希望你好好想想这个问题。那书上说的是什么？它说这个世界是上帝创造的，它还说上帝主宰着人类历史的发展。这些观点你能相信吗？你不去分析它的错误观念，反倒说它写得美。它写得美就是为了迷惑你这样的人。我看，你还得努力克服头脑中的小资产阶级情绪才行。 本来他讲的那些道理我已经听进去了，可这最后一句话让我急了，我朝他嚷嚷说，没有调查就没有发言权，你凭什么说我有小资产阶级情绪？你又不了解情况，我看你才是官僚主义。 你们父亲被我这么一嚷嚷，脸都气红了。他说，什么，我官僚主义？我们团上上下下从没人这么说我，你倒说起我来了。白雪梅同志，这件事明明是你错了，你还不虚心接受批评。不行，我得去找你们苏队长谈。 我大声说，找就找，你去找吧，我不怕。 他扭头摔上门就走了。 他一走，我扑到床上就哭起来。我想这个人太讨厌了，我们还没怎么样呢，他就那么凶。 以后要是跟他过日子，还不被他气死？我马上就想到了辛医生。还在往昌都走的路上，有一天辛医生偶然看见了我这本书，很吃惊，他悄悄问我怎么会有这样的书。我就告诉他是母亲临行前送的，母亲是个基督徒。辛医生表示了理解，他说，如果你要看的话，就把它当做一本文学书籍来看，它写得挺美。他还说他的父亲也信基督，所以小时候他也看过。 相比之下，辛医生显然通情达理多了。 我心里对你们的父亲更有了一种拒绝。 我不知道那天你们父亲是怎么和苏队长谈的。因为他再也没有回来找我，就直接回支队去了。但他显然是找了苏队长的，因为苏队长一见到我就说，怎么，和欧参谋长吵架了。 我一下觉得很委屈。我说他太武断了，不了解情况就训人。本来我就想家。 苏队长说，他是为你好。 我说，难道我还不知道怎么该对待那本书吗？我又不是孩子。 苏队长说，欧参谋长是个直性子，快人快语，你就别和他计较了。 我还是生气，不说话。 不久后，你们父亲给我写了一封信，让小冯送文件时捎给了我。同时捎来的还有一大摞书，什么《共产党宣言》、《中国社会各阶级分析》、《苏联共产党（布）历史简明教程》、《西藏社会发展简史》等等。另外还有一小块砖茶。 小冯在交给我时说，我们1号说你晚上要工作学习，这块茶给你提神。 我心想，他是要我喝着茶读他带来的那些大部头书吗。 我倒是很想知道他信上写些什么，最主要的是想看看他会不会为上次那件事向我表示歉意。可当着那么多的人我不好意思看。这时吴菲悄悄走过来，一把抢走了那封信，嬉笑着要打开看。我无所谓地说，你看吧，你还可以大声念。 吴菲将信将疑地打开信，草草看了一遍就叫起来：他怎么尽写这些呀？这完全可以当文件在全师传阅嘛。 我笑笑，心里有些失望。我猜想吴菲说的“这些”，肯定是希望我加强学习，加强锻炼，和同志们搞好团结，要求进步之类。我拿过来匆忙扫了一眼，果然如此。他只字没提上次和我吵架的事，只说希望我多读读他带来的那些书。 小冯看出我有些失望，就说，我们1号太忙了。下次我让他写长一点儿好不好。 小冯叫他1号，我也就跟着叫。我说，叫你们1号下次不要带东西给我了，我们这儿都有。我说这话不完全是拒绝他，我想他负责整个先遣支队，肩上的担子很重，口粮并不比别人富裕，我不忍心享用他的东西。 小冯说，你自己跟他说嘛，你给他写封信，我给你带回去。现在想来，小冯似乎已经明白我和你们的父亲是怎么回事了，并且很想促成这回事。 我说我现在不想写，你先回去吧。 小冯不想走。我说，你很喜欢你们1号。 小冯说当然，没有人不喜欢。 我说是吗？不知怎么，我倒很想听他说说你们父亲。但小冯只是反复说，我最佩服他了。 我们支队的人都佩服他。他有好多传奇故事呢。 小冯走后，我自己把信看了一遍，毕竟这是第一个给我写信的男人。果然就是那些话。 惟一一句有些意味的话是：我们之间还需要多加了解。从这句话我判断，他大概从苏队长那里知道了什么。但我仍觉得索然无味，把它丢在了一边。 丢开信我走出门外，望着远处的雪山。我想，辛医生到底上哪儿去了呢？他怎么不给我来封信呢？难道真的要到了拉萨才见。 奇怪的是，那天夜里我竟梦见了他，我说的不是辛医生，而是你们父亲。这让我非常不好意思，虽然梦很短，只是一个画面，但却非常清晰，我们一起爬山，爬到一半他忽然不见了，我怎么找也没找到他，因为着急我就醒了。 我想我怎么会梦见他呢。 How strange. 不久之后，你们的父亲又给我写来一封信，内容差不多。我还是没有回。我在心里拒绝他，等着另外一个人。 我喜欢等。 但我不知道，有些事情是永远也等不来的。 有一天组织科长来找我，直截了当地问，你为什么不给欧参谋长回信？我不吭声，心里有些不满。我想说好了组织上只是建议，不干涉的，我又没有答应这个建议，我和他没有任何关系，回不回信是我个人的事，难道这种事情也要向组织反映吗？但组织科长接下来说的一句话让我心动了，他说，欧参谋长以为你病了，很担心，要我专门过来看看你。 我正想解释一下，组织科长又说：今天师里有人去他们团，你赶紧给欧参谋长写封信，就算是组织上交给你的任务吧。 我只好坐下来。我想即便是出于对关心的回报，我也该给他回一封信。 我把信纸垫在腿上，心里别扭着，折腾了半天，总算划拉出半页纸。当然，和他一样，写的全是些可以让大家传阅的话，努力学习，要求进步，锻炼身体，靠拢组织，就是这些。 当然，我在这儿全是说的自己，他是首长，是老革命，要说得留给组织上去说，轮不到我。 事隔一个多月，你们的父亲又来了。仍是到师里开会。 这次他没再到我们小屋子里来，大概他觉得坐在那里面很憋闷。他让小冯来叫我，说出去走走。小冯去遛马，我们两个就往山上走。很久以后我才知道，每次你们的父亲来或者小冯来，都不是件容易的事。从他们支队的驻地嘎玛到我们师部所在地，要走5天，中间还要翻越一架大雪山。他来看我一次，来回得艰难地走上10天。可当时我对此一无所知。我以为他们想来就来了。 我们一前一后地上了山。他走得很快，我小跑着才能跟上他。我一边走一边在心里拿定主意，如果他要问我想好没有，我就说没想好。他要再逼我，我就豁出来了，告诉他我不愿意。反正组织科长说了，不能勉强。 可是他没问。他什么也不问，好像我们之间的事已成定局，不需要再征求我意见了。这让我气恼。更生气的是，他上来就批评我，他说我那封信字写的不好，还有错。我想我连张桌子都找不到，我用膝盖当桌子，心情也不好，怎么可能写好字嘛。我挺生气，我把生气写在脸上，他就像没看见似的，也不哄哄我。我决定不理他，一句话也不说，看他怎么办。 他不知道是真的没察觉，还是故意不察觉，自顾自地往前走，看到部队在训练，就开始给我讲他打仗的事。我跟在身后不吭声，但我也不敢离开。 他上来就说，我的兵太好了。以前从来没有进行过高原作战，也从来没有在高原上负重行军过，可是一旦拉上去，全都坚持下来了。It's amazing. 他说打昌都的时候，为了追击逃敌，全体官兵背着枪支弹药和背包不分昼夜地翻山越岭，每天除了吃饭前后能作短暂的休息外，全都在路上奔跑，十几天内从没脱过鞋袜，等战斗结束时，很多人的鞋袜都脱不下来了，脚肿得像发面馒头。战士们开玩笑说，嗨，这回咱们都长胖了。 他说他的部队翻越一座5000多米的雪山时，突然遇上了暴风雪，天色一片昏暗，几步之外什么也看不见了，风雪又急，抽得人站不稳，稍有不慎就会滑下无底深渊。但为了及时切断敌军退路，我们继续前进，终于在凌晨5点突然出现在了敌军营地前。敌军做梦也没想到解放军能通过那样险恶的地形，都在呼呼大睡，我们仅仅用了10分钟就解决了战斗。战斗结束后有的兵都还在摇晃，手扶着石头，说是翻山时的那股子劲儿还没过去，有种随时要掉下深渊的感觉。 他说，那场仗打完后，敌军为首的那个代本（代本注释：藏军的建制单位，相当于一个团）浑身哆嗦地直喊饶命。我叫他坐下，给他讲了我军优待俘虏的政策。他还是惊魂不定，说你们离得那么远，怎么来得那么快？我说我们是飞来的，我们是神兵天将。那个代本真的信了。后来我把骡马行李还给他，叫他回家去。他一步三回头，生怕我反悔。我就拿出烟抽上，他这才放心地走了。我没骗他，我们确实是飞来的。你想想，那么大的风雪，衣襟若没扎好，风都能撕碎它。我们还一溜小跑着，那不是飞是什么。 He said. 他不停地说。 我发现只要一说到打仗他就特别会说，眸子闪闪发光，神采飞扬，表达很流畅。也许那是他生命的自然流淌吧。我还发现他一说起他的兵就像换了一个人，语气充满温情。好像那些兵，他们不是他的部下，而是他的孩子，他的兄弟。我想这个人还是很重情的，只是不善于表达。 那天我们在山上走了很久，大部分时间是他在说打仗的事。应该说，我们在一起也是愉快的，而且他的经历让我感到新奇和尊敬，有着很浓的传奇色彩。就像看、那样的小人书。但没有那种让人心跳的感觉。他像个兄长，像个大哥，惟独不像他想要成为的那种人。 不过，分手的时候，却出现了一点儿意外。 到现在我也搞不清楚自己，为什么会那样说。也许人的感情在很多时候是游离在自己身体之外的，不受控制的。我怎么会告诉他那句话呢。 当时他有些含混地说，那个……上次那件事，你还在生我气吗。 我明知故问地说，哪件事。 他说，就是书的事？后来我听你们苏队长说了一下你家里的情况……你母亲她，现在有消息吗。 I shake my head.我的心里已经原谅他了，我想看来他还不是个蛮不讲理的人。 我说，我也不对，我不该和你吵。 他说，我当时可能太急了，有些话没说明白。你太年轻，我怕你受一些不好的影响，去相信那些虚无飘渺的东西。Heaven?有天堂吗？如果有，那就是我们为之奋斗的事业，共产主义就是我们的天堂。不说大道理，有一点起码可以肯定，一切美好的生活都要靠我们自己去创造。若不是自己奋斗得来的，再好也靠不住。 他的这番话打动了我。我不由得深深点头。我想，看来他的确是个脚踏实地的人。 我们说着这些话时，正在一起爬山，我忽然有一种似曾相识的感觉，好像此情此景在哪里见过，也是这样的大山，也是这样的氛围，也是我们两个人。我仔细一想，哦，是那个梦。 我做过的那个梦。我就脱口说，我梦见过和你一起爬山呢。他很意外，说真的吗？我说是，但爬到一半你就不在了，不知跑哪儿去了。他咧嘴笑笑，好像这件事很有意思。他笑起来表情丰富，是那种满脸开花的笑，那种笑让人想起不谙人世的孩子。 他笑过之后没再说什么，我也转眼就把它忘了。分手的时候，他在嘱咐了我这个那个之后，突然盯牢了我，脸上飞速掠过一丝温柔，说，下次做梦别再把我弄丢了。 他说得很随意，我却愣住了，愣在那里一直看他走远。 That's it.正是这句话，让我终于不再把他看成个首长，而是个男人。 其实在后来漫长的婚姻生活中，你们的父亲再也没说过这样温情的话了。而且后来我再提起这事时，他完全忘了。那句话对他来说是突如其来的，好像某个精灵钻进了他的体内。他毕竟是个不善于表达儿女情长的人，骨子里那一点点柔情，也被戎马生涯所需要的坚定、刚强、决绝、毅力压在了感情世界的最底层，若没有生命中的火山和地震，是不可能为外人所知晓的。 但对我来说，却永远无法忘记。就像一块干裂的土地，它会把落在上面的点点滴滴的水分都深深地吸进去。一旦水分充沛，它便成了一块活过来的大地，即便没有种子，也能长出新芽来。 而且，我有理由知足地对自己说，我遭遇了他情感深处惟一的那一次地震。 即使如此，我们的交往依然是淡淡的，或者说形式大于内容。有时候我在工作之余也会想起他，但我想起他的时候，多半是想起他的那些英勇的士兵，还有他的那些传奇经历。它们是我经历中所没有的。 我们一起工作的几个女兵，包括我们师机关的其他人，都知道我和你们的父亲已经有了那样一层不是我自觉自愿的关系。他们甚至拿它来开玩笑了。但我自己，却远不如人们想的那样。我的心里完全没有进入恋爱的感觉，一点也没有。有的只是一种无奈，一种不知所措。 我和他的心还离得很远。 再说从地理位置上讲，我们也相距很远。在我们驻地和他们团部中间，也就是说，在昌都和嘎玛之间，隔着一架大雪山。我只有一点感觉，就是在雪山的那一边，有个人与我有某种联系。那是一种你不得不去承担但却恼人的联系。 直到几个月后，那个雪夜的出现。 那个雪夜让我走向了你们的父亲，那个雪夜让我放弃了所有的犹豫和彷徨。 我终于要讲到那座雪山了。 我知道翻越它对我来说是一件很困难的事，但我必须翻越。如果说40多年前我翻越它时经历了巨大的痛苦，现在翻越它所要承受的，仍是痛苦。 它的名字叫恰巴山。恰巴山不仅有着极高的海拔，还有着庞大的身躯，整架大山绵延120公里，其间有7座峰。 这座大山将我们阻隔。 直到我翻越了那架大山，并在山上经历了那样一个雪夜之后，这种阻隔，我是说心的阻隔，才被夷为平地。 转眼到了3月。即使是在昌都这样的地方，春天的气息也日渐浓了起来。 有一天我学了藏语回来，见小冯正在房间里等我。他说1号有东西给我。我吃惊地发现，那东西不再是牛肉干茶砖之类，而是一束野花。这太出乎我的意料了，可以说那束新鲜水淋的野花击中了我。毕竟对一个女孩子来说，花比食物更可爱。尤其在那个时候，我们的生活非常清苦，没有一丝色彩。所以一看到花，我不禁怦然心动。 我甚至一下子觉得他有些可爱了。 小冯见我那么高兴，很兴奋，马上跑出去找了个空罐头盒，装上水。我把野花小心地插进去，放在床头，没事儿的时候我就盯着它看。 其实那花一点儿也不漂亮。花朵非常小，颜色也不鲜艳。但却很生动。阳光从窗外涌进，簇拥着野花，有种如梦如幻的感觉，就像不愿面对现实的我。 苏队长见了啧啧地说，怎么样，我说欧团长不错吧？我们老王就从来没干过这种事。吴非则又是羡慕又是惊讶地说，他在哪儿采的？我们那位说想给我采一束花，找了半天都没找到，一点儿花的影子都没有。我说，那当然，这是从雪山那边采过来的。吴菲说，是吗，这花还翻过了大雪山？ 吴菲说这话时我脑子里闪过一念，是啊，这花在路上这么多天，居然还这么鲜活。但我没来得及往下细想，人就被吴菲拉出去了，她说要和我聊天。那时候她正处于兴奋状态，组织科长给她介绍的对象是政治部副主任，我们师出了名的大才子。 她心里早就对他有好感了，组织上一介绍她就欣然同意了。两个人一拍即合，非常恩爱，让我很羡慕。她常常给我讲他们在一起的事。我想人家那才叫浪漫呢。吴菲告诉我，他们已经准备结婚了。吴菲说你呢，你到底怎么想？我摇摇头，说，我能怎么想？一点念头也没有。反正我不想结婚。 尽管如此，为了那束花，我还是主动给你们的父亲写了封信。我用刚刚学来的一点藏语写到：你带给我的“梅朵”（花）收到了，吐其其（谢谢）！祝你扎西德勒（吉祥如意）！ 他没有回信。 野花一天天枯萎了，我心里感情却依然鲜活。很多事情就是这样，一件东西不在世上了，但却在你的心里活起来。 到了4月初，事情终于被向前推了一步。对我来说，似乎来得早了些，但对你们的父亲来说，也许已经等得太久。这个时候距我们的认识，或者说距组织的介绍，已过去3个月了。 4月初组织科长找我谈话，说打算把我调到团里去工作，就是你们的父亲那个团，组织科长说那边开展群众工作，需要一个女同志，问我是否愿意。 我当然明白组织上这样调动的意思。本来我用不着考虑，服从组织安排就是了。 可是因为有你们的父亲的事，我对这个做法就产生了抵触情绪。我觉得他们有些勉强我。我对科长说，为什么不把苏队长调过去？她可以和王政委团聚。科长说这个你放心，组织上会考虑的。我没话说了，但我还在下意识地抵抗着，我说我想考虑一下。 组织科长居然没生气，他说那你就考虑考虑吧。 我怎么考虑？我没法考虑。我只能服从组织安排。可是我心里别扭。 应该说到了这个时候，阻止我向你们的父亲走近的已不是远去辛医生了，而是一种情绪。我知道即使没有辛医生的存在，没有我心里对他那种说不清道不明的感情，我也不愿意自己这样被迫地和谁结婚。 我推说自己的收音工作还没交接，打马草的任务还没完成，一天天地把调动的事情拖着。组织科长说，你交接完工作后马上告诉我，我好让团里来接你。 一星期后，小冯又来了。这回他送了文件后没有马上走，他说如果我办好调动了，他就和我一起走。我催他先走，我说我的工作还没安排好呢。可是他就是不走，他说他等我。也不知是你们的父亲有过交待，还是他自己鬼心眼多，总之他就在我们文工队住下来了。 那时候我们的粮食极度匮乏，每个人的口食都限得死死的，每人每天4两，多一两都没有。现在突然多了一个吃饭的小伙子，大家都感觉到压力很大。小毛忍不住问我，雪梅姐你什么时候到团里去呀？我感到抱歉。我不能为了个人的事，让大家为难。 我终于说，马上走，明天就走。 说出这话的一瞬间，一种从未有过的委屈和难过在我心间弥漫开来。 这种委屈和难过伴着我上了路，上了恰巴山。 走的头天夜里，苏队长，吴菲，还有小小的赵月宁，聚在一起为我送行。我把省下来的牛肉干和酥油全都拿了出来。说全部，也只有很少一点点。我们用那一小块酥油烧了一点酥油茶，以茶代酒，一起碰了杯。 苏队长说，雪梅，我知道你心里不太痛快。但有一点我可以肯定，欧团长会对你很好的，他是个好人。 我想，难道找个丈夫只要是好人就行了吗？但我没有说。我不想让苏队长为我操心。她够难的了，留在甘孜的孩子下落不明，丈夫又不在身边，还要为我们这些姐妹操心。 吴菲说，你过去以后先工作一段时间，一边工作一边了解他，如果确实和不来，再跟组织上说，我相信组织上不会勉强你的。 这话说到我心上了。我正是这样想的。 小小的赵月宁天真地说，我觉得欧团长特别好，把酥油和牛肉省下来给我们吃。 我笑道，你就知道吃，现在谁要是拿一袋米来娶你，保证娶走。赵月宁孩子气地说，才不会有这种事呢。现在谁会有一袋米呀，有银元都买不到。苏队长说，雪梅，没准儿你到了团里，比在我们这儿要吃得饱些。吴菲笑说，我们那位如果能让我每天都吃的饱饱的，我今晚就嫁他。 Everyone laughs.I also laugh.心里却酸酸的。 我不能不承认，苏队长的话对我是有效的。我自私地想，说不定他真的会让我吃的饱饱的。他是1号呀。我一想到这儿肚子就咕咕叫起来，心里在那一刻竟然好受一些了。 我心里好受一些还因为我想到了那束花。我想说不定在雪山那边，真的有许多的花开放着，等着我去看它们。 回想起来，我下决心出发，竟是为了一口粮食——为了在多出一张嘴的时候大家不匀出少得可怜的粮食，为了可能在未知的将来多吃到一点粮食，这事拿到今天来说，真是不可思议。同时，在那样饥饿、艰苦、严峻的日子里，我还在渴望浪漫，真的很奢侈，很不实际。可是这是事实。尽管我把自己弄得像个假小子，可是在那套宽大的军装里，在皮带紧紧扎着的怀里，在空得只剩下两层皮，常常因为缺食而疼得发慌的年轻的胃之上，依然有一颗少女的心。 这颗心怀着委屈，怀着戒备，也怀着期待，踏上了路程。 第二天一大早，我和小冯，还有师部通讯员小周一起上路了。 分手的时候，很少哭的吴菲忽然放声大哭起来，一头扑在我的肩上，咸咸的泪水蹭得我一脸都是。我除了紧紧地抱住她，说不出话来。我明白她的心情，她一定又想起玉蓉了。我也想她，我的身上