Chapter 10 back view

That cemetery used to be a place that Jose and I often passed by. In the past, whenever we walked on the high hills on this newly arrived outlying island, we always liked to look down at the thick white walls in all directions, look at the unique silk fir in the cemetery, and the old door inlaid with flowers. big iron gate. I don't know why, but I never get tired of looking at that piece of enclosed and lonely land, as if attached to it like nostalgia, but we have never entered it at all. At the time, he didn't understand that this was the place Jose would return to soon after.Yes, Jose fell asleep forever.

In the cemetery in the early morning, the sound of birds is like washing, and the wind blows, bringing the fragrance of leaves.Not far from the hillside, you can see the place where Jose last worked, you can see the old town, and naturally you can see the blue sea. I always sit in a daze until dusk, until the dark night slowly brings the shadow of death around me. It was always the same grave keeper who came to me holding a big copper ring with a big ancient key hanging from it, and comforted me in a low voice: "Madam, go back! It's getting dark." I thanked him, followed him silently through row after row of crosses, and finally saw him lock the iron gate that separates life and death, and then went to the town of thousands of lights.

When I returned to the rented apartment, as soon as my mother heard the sound of footsteps going upstairs, the door opened quickly, and what I faced was my father and mother who had been waiting for me all day. Shout out as usual: "Daddy, Mommy, I'm back!" Then go back to your bedroom, lie down, look at the ceiling, and wait for the dawn to come again. At six in the morning, the cemetery opens, and you can go to the Dutch West ran. The parents immediately followed into the bedroom, and the mother always held a bowl of soup, watched the words and expressions, and said softly, almost begging: "It's fine to have a sip, and I don't force you to stop going to the graveyard. I just ask you to take a sip. After so many days How can you survive without eating anything?"

I didn't want to contradict my mother, but I really couldn't eat anything, so I shook my head and refused to look at my parents again, and buried myself sideways in the pillow without moving.Mother stood there for a while, then took out the bowl of soup again. In the living room, there was a dead silence, and the parents didn't seem to be talking. I don’t know how many days it has been since Jose was buried, and a large number of garlands piled up have withered. I knelt on the ground, pulled the wire wrapped around the garlands with all my strength, and hugged the dismantled stumps to the place again and again. Throw it away in the trash can far away.

The flowers are gone, and what is exposed under the sun is a piece of dry yellow dust. Under this dazzling land, which I have seen a thousand times and ten thousand times, lies the most beloved husband in my life. The flowers were bought again and placed in a large vase filled with clear water. The piece of loess without a name remained stubbornly silent. In the breeze, red and white roses were gently swinging, but they always brought The message of life does not come. At noon that day, I got down from the cemetery, parked the car, and stared at the passing vehicles and pedestrians in a daze.

From time to time, passers-by I know or don’t know pass me, stop, hold my hands, kiss my forehead, murmur a few words of condolences, and then walk away with their heads bowed, according to the ancient customs of the island.I just thanked them numbly, and didn’t listen to them at all. In my hand, I pinched a piece of white paper that was crumpled into shape, and there were some things that I had to face——: Go to the funeral home to pay the bill, go to Go to the forensic doctor to see the results of the autopsy, go to the police station to return José’s ID card and driver’s license, go to the coastal defense headquarters to fill in the accident history, go to the court to apply for a death certificate, go to the city government to ask for permission for the style of the cemetery, go to the Social Welfare Bureau to declare the death, go to the I made long-distance calls to the head office in Madrid to ask for proof of José's work contract, to inquire about the schedule and cost of sending the car back to Gran Canaria, and to do one heartbreaking and helpless trifle after another.

I silently figured which thing to do first, and then remembered that some documents to be photocopied were forgotten at home. The day seemed to be very stuffy, and the black mourning clothes made people sweat like rain. The thirst that had risen from the moment he learned of Jose's accident hit him again and again. At this time, at the gate of the post office, I saw my father and mother. It was the first time I saw them in the town after Jose was buried. It seemed that I had never brought them out to do business together.They should be the ones who are waiting at home all day long for me to go back.

I still leaned against the car door and didn't greet them, but my father quickly pointed at me and dragged my mother across the street. That day, my mother was wearing a navy blue material shirt and a white skirt, and my father was wearing the only gray suit he brought with him when he hurried back to this outlying island, even wearing a tie. Mother holds a handful of yellow carnations in her hand. They walked from the other side of the town, and people who were not afraid of the heat like my father were sweating. "Where are you going?" I said calmly. "Look at Jose."

"No need." I still didn't respond. "We're going to see Jose." The mother said again. "After searching for a long time, I finally bought flowers in a small alley. The people in the store refused to accept the money, and they couldn't make sense. After arguing for a long time, they refused to accept it. We left hundreds of dollars and ran out of the store. I don’t know if it’s enough.” My father hurriedly told me about it, but I was still indifferent. Thinking back now, my parents not only walked a long way from home, but also took many wrong detours when buying flowers, and they were actually suffering without sleep or food during those few days. Young, how can bear to walk such a long way under the scorching sun.

"Let's drive to the cemetery together, you are tired." I said. "No, we can still go, you go to work." Mother immediately refused. "The road is long, and it's uphill. It's better to go by car. Besides, there is still a return trip." "No, no, go and do it, we know the way." Father also said. "No, it's too hot." I also insisted. "We're going to walk, we want to walk slowly." Mother repeated this sentence, as if I was going to cry if I forced her to get in the car again. The pain of the past few days could no longer be controlled in her voice.

Father and mother walked across the street silently, turning to the road up the mountain.I stood behind them and didn't leave right away. The flowers were tightly held by the mother, and the father bent over as if he was taking out a handkerchief to wipe his sweat again. Under the dazzling sun, sorrow, so obviously crushed their shoulders, and dragged their steps so heavily , There were people passing in front of me all around, but my eyes only saw the backs of my parents gradually going away, and the real physical thirst made people dizzy again. I have been standing there thinking and thinking, I don’t know why I am in this situation, I don’t understand why José suddenly disappeared, and I can’t believe my eyes—my parents are there holding a bouquet of flowers to go to a garden where Thousands of mountains and rivers came to meet us, but this dream ended abruptly on the road leading to death.My eyes were dry, without a drop of tears, I was just thinking about it.The owner of the bookstore across the street came to me and said, "Come on, don't stand under the sun." I said to him: "Take me to your store to drink water, I'm thirsty." He helped me cross the street by my elbow, and I went back to find my father and mother, who were still climbing the mountain road there, two sad figures and a bunch of yellow flowers. When I went back to He Xi's side at dusk, I saw that the bouquet of carnations of my parents had been planted in someone else's place. It was a new grave next to He Xi's death. I heard that an old lady had fallen asleep.The two pieces of loess without a nameplate will naturally be mistaken, not to mention that at the moment of burial, my parents were almost driven crazy because of my screams. It is impossible for them to pay attention to the way to the cemetery at that moment. . "Grandma, it's good that I gave you the flowers, please take good care of Jose!" I gently smoothed the loose sand around for the old lady, and straightened the misplaced bunch of flowers again, thinking in my heart that this recognizable tombstone should be done soon. In the old carpenter's shop, I drew the shape of a simple cross, explained the height of the surrounding fences, and then asked him to make a thick sign and nail it in the middle of the cross. He was also our friend. "If there are too many words to be engraved on this epitaph, we will have to wait another week." He said apologetically. "No, just engrave these simple words: José Marian Gero—rest in peace." "Engraved below - your wife commemorates you." I said softly. "After carving it, please come and get it yourself, find a worker to make the grave, and use the best wood to carve it for you. This job and materials are all given away, child, be strong!" The old man's rough and strong hands held my shoulders heavily, and there were tears in his eyes. "You have to pay, but thank you the same." I bent down to him unconsciously, I just couldn't cry. In those days, I always spent the night with my parents at home, and friends kept visiting me. I spoke Spanish, and my parents retreated to the bedroom.The sea outside the window is calm and waveless during the day, but under the illumination of a bright moon at night, it caresses the ocean that took Jose's life even more tenderly. My father, mother and I spent the first Mid-Autumn Festival after being separated for twelve years. It was agreed that we would go to get the cross and the wooden fence at ten o'clock in the morning that day, but I didn't see my mother when I went out.My father didn't seem to have eaten breakfast. The kitchen was cold and clear. He stood on the balcony with my back behind his back. All he could see was the ocean that he couldn't escape. "Daddy, I'm going out." I whispered behind him. "Do you want to accompany you? What are you going to do today? Mom and Dad don't understand the language, so they can't help you with anything." Hearing my father's regretful words, I almost wanted to ask him to go out with me. Although he can't speak Spanish, he would feel much better if I asked him to accompany him. "Where, I'm sorry for you, what happened..." I couldn't continue, I opened the door and left quickly. I dare not tell my father that I will go to the grave without inviting the workers, for fear that he will go with me even if he tries his best. I have to move the cross and the wooden fence that are still too heavy for me by myself, and I have to use my fingers to dig out the piece of loess where Jose is buried. I like to build his permanent dormitory by myself, and I am willing to use my hands. Big rocks, to dig, to nail, to surround, to do the last thing in this world for Jose. The wind was particularly strong that day, and the waves splashed on the embankment next to the driveway seemed to be as high as the sky. I drove the car slowly, and the sidewalk on the opposite side of the embankment was also covered with seawater blown by the wind. Suddenly, in front of the rows of old wooden houses that had been eroded by the sea wind and almost turned into bone gray, I saw the wind blowing. In, in the mist, the mother walking alone. At that time, the sidewalk was empty except for my mother, and the weather was bad, and people who knew the way would not take this avenue by the embankment. The mother held her leather bag tightly under her armpit, and carried two large supermarket pockets with heavy hands. Those things were so heavy that the mother bent her calves as if she was about to squat down and slowly moved. Dragging step by step. Her hair billowed in the wind, and sometimes it blew up over her eyes, but with so many things in her hands, it was almost impossible to brush the tangled hair from her face. Could the woman walking alone in front of me be my mother?Could it be the mother who, not long ago, was wearing a red shirt and followed Jose and I to pick wild fruits like children?Is that the same mother?Why did she change, why is she not her when she is clearly her? The body of this haggard and silent woman, without saying a word, just like a river rushing out of her own soul, inside her, how deep sorrow, grievance, obedience and tears are like a book of open stories The book tells people clearly. But she was holding her big bags firmly in her hand, no matter what kind of blow she seemed to be able to lift them, she would not put them down. I quickly stopped the car and ran towards her: "Mom, where have you been? Why didn't you call me?" "Go shopping!" Mother replied as if nothing had happened. "I took an empty pocket from the supermarket and walked to the place I thought I was about to arrive. I pointed to the words on the pocket and asked people. Naturally, someone would hold my hand and lead me to the gate of the vegetable market. I could do it myself when I came back. Didn't Jose and you drive me off many times?" The mother still said kindly. Thinking of my mother who has lived in Taipei for half her life and still can't figure out the streets, now she is alone in a foreign land with a pocket and gesturing to ask people for the way to the vegetable market. Splashing her, I saw her and blamed myself so much that I wished I could die. During the days when Jose left, I completely forgot about my parents. Selfish grief drove me to death. I didn’t know that my parents were still around, and I forgot that they were in pain. The medium of my language has been completely closed. Of course, the lack of their daily necessities is not in my mind. Didn't my parents eat anything during this time?Why didn't I think of it? I just remember the hours after Jose’s family members came to attend the funeral, I was sedated and lay on the bed, but the medicine didn’t help, I was still calling for Jose to come back, Jose to come back!My father was also on the verge of breaking down at the time, only my mother, she didn't come in and talk to me, she handed me over to my teary good friend Gloria, because she was a doctor.I remember that day, there was a sound of frying pan in the kitchen, and I knew afterwards that my mother was trembling and using a small pan to scramble eggs and fried rice again and again, cooking for my mother-in-law and Jose’s brothers and sisters, and those family members , cried for a while, ate for a while, and then rushed to the street to buy some duty-free cigarettes, alcohol, watches, and cameras on the island, and boarded the plane in a hurry, including the mother, who did not forget to buy a new watch. Walk. What about in the future?In the following days, I never heard the sound of cooking in the kitchen again.Why is it so quiet? It seems that I didn't see what my parents were eating. "Mommy, get in the car. The things are too heavy. I'll take you home." My voice choked. "No, you go to do things, I can go." "Don't go, it's too heavy." I went up to grab her heavy bag. "What are you doing in town?" Mom asked me. I dare not say that I am going to make a grave, for fear that she will follow. "There is something to do, you come up first!" "Hurry up and do something, we can't help you because we don't understand the language, and you don't even have time to cry when you run around like this. Do you think it's not sad to be an adult? Look at you, your lips are split , are still fighting for these light bags." Her eyes were wet when she said these words. My mother didn't say anything anymore, she quickened her pace as if she was afraid that I would chase her, and almost started to run in the strong wind. I ran up to grab the bottle of mineral water in my mother's bag, and she yelled: "Your spine is bad, let go." At this time, my heart was beating violently, and I couldn't breathe unobstructed again, and the needle-like pain on the side of my ribs came again. I let my mother go, walked back to the car slowly, and lay on the steering wheel. , and then quickly pressed his hand to the painful place.By the time I got my breath, my mother had already left. I was sitting in the car, and the car was parked slantly in the middle of the street. In the rearview mirror, I could still see the back of my mother. Her hands were dragged by those things as if they were about to fall to the ground, but she still took one step after another. go on there. The bluestone slab that my mother stepped on was broken hearts one after another. She almost staggered, but she refused to let go of the burden on her hands and hand it over to me. I know that as long as I live, she will not wrong me. one second. Recalling this, I suddenly burst into tears, what is love, why is it so bitter and painful, as long as I can hold it, I will still refuse to give up until death, and I will be willing to die. Father, mother, this time, the child has hurt you heavily again, didn’t I just say not long ago that I will never hurt you again, I, who kept my promise, broke my promise to you again, although I should have been stronger at the time , but I didn't do it. Watching Angel!You flew all the way to North Africa, and it turned out that you protected me in the dark. When will your old wings rest? Finally there are tears.Then I am not a walking dead, father, mother, you are sleeping peacefully at this time, so let me shed tears quietly. When the children show their true feelings, they always seem to be behind you, and when you show me the deepest love, it seems that they are always behind you again and again.When will we be able to see each other face to face, no longer hide each other, and not just write it secretly in the article, when will I be willing to clearly explain this sincerity to you in our limited life Woolen cloth.