Chapter 18 postscript

At the end of 1992, a year after Niuniu's death, I locked myself in the house and started writing this book, and wrote the first draft in July 1993. In July 1994, the second draft was completed.After that, I put the manuscript on hold for almost two years.I'm not happy with it and want to change it again.At last, however, I found that I could not modify it to my real satisfaction, and resolved to make only the necessary abridgements, and immediately submitted it for publication. I don't know how to classify this book.It is not like a novel because it lacks the basic element of a novel-the fiction of the plot.It also doesn't feel like prose because it's too long.It seems that it cannot be classified as reportage, because its protagonist is just a baby who has only lived to one and a half years old, and there is nothing worth reporting.Finally, I said to myself: Let it look like nothing, it is just a journey in my life, and this special journey cannot be classified.

After the second draft of this book was completed, at the request of an editor of "China Women's Daily", I selected a small part of the manuscript and serialized it in the newspaper she worked for.I wrote a small quotation for the excerpt, which expresses my motivation for writing this book more accurately, and it is copied here: I wrote a book for Niuniu.This book is called, and there is a subtitle: "A Father's Notes".Niuniu only lived to be one and a half years old, and it has been almost three years since she left me.Sister Niu liked to play with books when she was alive, and when she caught any book, she would happily shout: "Niu Niu's book". Her—book.

Of course, this book is also written for myself.How many stories will there be for a short-lived little life?However, for my wife and I, Niuniu's story is the most beautiful and tragic story in our lives, and I couldn't help writing it.Niuniu was diagnosed with a terminal illness shortly after she was born, and lived a short life with this terminal illness in a very cute and pitiful way.In this book, I wrote about the loveliness and pity of Niu Niu, the love and sorrow of raising our daughter under the shadow of death, and my thoughts beside the cradle and grave.I write all this because I have to let go of the heavy thoughts that weigh on my heart and get on with my life.

If someone asks what this book means to the world, I am at a loss for words.In this noisy era, what is the meaning of the life and death of a small life, the joy and sorrow of a small family?This book is a product of not asking what the meaning is, and it is for readers who don't ask what the meaning is. Unexpectedly, when I submitted this book for publication today, not only the little life described in the book had died for more than four years, but also the small family described in the book no longer existed. Yu'er and I broke up. Until now, uninformed and well-meaning people still often inquire with concern whether Yu'er and I have another child, and I don't know what to do.

It is impossible to have another Niu Niu.The one and only girl is thus eternal. I certainly believe that no matter what life path Yu'er and I will take in the future, we will never forget Niuniu and the days we spent together with Niuniu. There are many irreversible things in life.Since you are alive, you have to move forward.Those who have experienced great suffering have the right to prove that creating happiness and suffering belong to the same faculty.Not being overwhelmed by suffering is not a disgrace, it is an honor.I would like to share this belief with Yu'er and wish her peace from now on.

1996.3.16