Chapter 16 Chapter Fifteen Let Niuniu Regenerate

one Fayu Temple is located on the back slope of Putuo Mountain. The ancient trees in the temple are lush and the temple characters are magnificent. Although it is midsummer, it is still cool and breezy, with a beautiful charm.In front of the Daxiong Palace, there is an endless stream of pilgrims and cigarettes.The monks were performing rituals in the hall, and Yu'er and I sat on the steps outside the hall to rest.Suddenly, we noticed at the same time that in front of the Daxiong Palace, among the many pilgrims, there appeared two young disabled people.One of them was crippled, and the other was completely deformed, its skinny buttocks stuck in the air, its body and head hanging down, like an ugly beetle crawling in the dust.Judging from their shabby clothes, they must have come from a long way.The lame man struggled to insert a bundle of incense into the censer in front of the main hall, and then crawled towards the door with his companions.

My heart was suddenly sad, and I felt the humbleness and meaninglessness of the desire for life. However, Yu'er stood up in a hurry, ran over, helped the man with rickets to climb over the high threshold of the Buddhist hall with great difficulty, entered the hall, waited for him to pray to the Buddha, and then helped him turn out the door of the hall, and watched him leave. go. " When I walked into the hall, Yu'er looked solemn and whispered to me: "Each of us may have a wish." Leaving Fayu Temple and walking on the mountain road, she asked me what wish I had made.

"May I be reunited with Niuniu in another world." I said. "I'm different from you," she said, "I want Niuniu to be reborn in this life, this is my first wish." "anything else?" She hesitated for a moment and said, "Second, I wish you an open mind and a long and healthy life. Third, I wish those who love me love me forever." I smiled: "No wonder I refuse to say it. These two wishes are related to each other: I am open-minded, and those who love you can rest assured to love you." I joked with her on my lips, but I was thinking about her first wish in my heart.I avoid commenting on it.I knew that for her, Niu Niu's death was an event in this world, and so could be compensated to some extent by another event in this world.For example, as long as a girl is reborn, it can be regarded as the resurrection of Niu Niu.For me, when Niuniu dies, she will never exist, and no matter what happens in this world, it has nothing to do with her in the slightest.Of course I don't believe in another world, and the so-called reunion is just a way of comforting myself.Nothingness is a more incomprehensible concept than God, and the dead live on in his imagination so long as a man does not lose his mind to grasp its terrible connotations.This might be a kind of comfort to the living, I wish Yu'er could keep this kind of comfort, so I was careful not to touch it, as if it was a piece of fragile porcelain.

two Regenerating Niuniu is a recurring motive in your mind. While Niu Niu was dying, we stood by.You looked at Niu Niu's face that was still alive, and said softly to me: "It's your seed, it looks like you. There must be another one, called Niu Niu, or Er Niu, it's the rebirth of Niu Niu, just think about it." I nodded, but I knew in my heart that Niuniu was gone forever, and that rebirth was just a self-deception of a living person. Niuniu died, and for several days, I locked myself in the hut, smoking one cigarette after another, ignoring anyone, ignoring the world.I feel a deep gap.You pushed the door several times, but I didn't look back.

"Can't I comfort you?" you ask. I am still silent.I just feel that I have followed Niu Niu to that empty world. Everything in this world, including the comfort of living people, is so pale. You cried bitterly behind my back: "I know, you don't need me anymore... Niuniu has gone, and we are separated. I can't share yours, and you can't share mine. What's the point of living! This world What else is there to miss!" You rush out of the house suddenly. This crying and rushing brought me back from the empty world.I caught up with you in the corridor and took you in my arms and wept too.

"Darling, I know that no one in the world loves Niu Niu more than you... I never regret anything I do, only this one. I really love you, you are so sad, I feel bad. What should I do, I miss Niu Niu too Oh, I don't think about it for a moment, I'm going crazy After a pause, you continue to cry: "I must have another daughter, and I will treat her as Niu Niu, who was reincarnated by Niu Niu." A month later, I went to a residence in the suburbs and wanted to be alone here for a few days.Since Niuniu's death, I've longed for a while alone, like a melancholic yearns for his island retreat.However, late that night, the phone rang, and you were crying on the phone:

"Niu Niu, miss Niu Niu... Really! Really!..." I put down the phone, got on the car immediately, and went home quickly. You were lying on the bed, tears were still wet, when you saw me entering the room, you smiled with tears in your eyes and asked, "Dear, are you tired after such a long journey?" "Not tired, it's important to save the girl. You can't leave me, can you?" "Can you leave me?" "Neither can I." "No, you like to be alone, you are used to being alone." "A man loves you, doesn't worry about you, but can't leave you."

You nod. "I couldn't sleep just now, my mind was full of girls, I really felt that nothing was interesting." The next day, you insisted that I still live in the suburbs, promised not to disturb me, and then took my arm and sent me for a certain distance. "You are really my wife. Three years ago, you were a carefree girl. How long has it been? You have changed a lot." I said. You admitted with a smile, and said: "However, I think my wife feels pretty good, calm and quiet, without those commotions." "Actually, this life is enough to find a good partner and have a good child. Everything else is just a passing cloud."

"Am I a good companion?" "certainly." "I also think meaning is not so ethereal. Children are meaning. I see that ordinary people are busy taking care of their children, worrying about them, and playing with them. Their lives are quite meaningful." At this point, you lower your voice and add: "But I know I won't have anything, I'm getting older every day." I saw tears in your eyes, so I couldn't help feeling sorry, and said hastily, "I don't even think I'm old, so who should I be? You'll always be a child." "Okay then," you are indeed a child, with a smile on your face immediately, and he said briskly, "I'll train my body well, we'll get pregnant next year, and we'll have another girl the year after."

After Niuniu's death, we all felt pain in our eyes for a long time, and our eyesight declined sharply.Whenever your eyes hurt, you will think of the scene of Niu Niu's eye disease attack, and you will sigh bitterly. Later, you had a toothache, and the doctor used laser treatment, which caused long-lasting ulcers on the gums and made the pain worse.One night, you were in so much pain that you couldn't sleep, you started to cry, the more you cried, the more sad you became, sobbing: "Niu Niu, little Niu Niu, how painful she was at that time..." I know you're reminded of Niuniu when the cancer spread to the mouth.When you think about Niu Niu, it is often connected with your own bodily sensations. What you think of is not Niu Niu's death, but the physical pain that Niu Niu suffered when she was alive.

Once when you took a bath and got scalded by hot water, you screamed, and immediately said: "Be really careful, Niuniu was also scalded that time, such a tender little butt, how painful it is." You are telling your girlfriend about Niuniu's past, while talking, you pull up your girlfriend's clothes and ask: "Your clothes are so beautiful, what material are they made of?" I have found again and again that you talk about Niu Niu as if Niu Niu is still alive.This leads me to believe that men and women—at least me and you—feel death very differently.Women experience everything with their senses, but death is non-existence, and non-existence cannot be felt at all.On the contrary, Niuniu's illness used to be an existence that clearly affected our senses.Therefore, your grief always transcends Niuniu's death and is obsessed with Niuniu's illness, presenting as vivid memories, even physical memories.I was equally insensitive to non-existence, but it was this emptiness of feeling that was always exposed in my consciousness like a great abyss, big enough to engulf any vivid recollection.Conversely, when all the vivid little details of Niu Niu's life suddenly flashed from my memory, their light illuminated the abyss where Niu Niu no longer existed all the more shockingly.For example, now when I hear a child crying in the distance, I suddenly feel desolate. This is certainly because of the memory of Niu Niu crying when she was sick, but it is also because of the clear awareness of Niu Niu's pain. Her cries have been silenced forever, and her little life has been so miserable and helpless.It was always like this, no matter what I remembered, the same voice-over sounded immediately: Niu Niu is gone, forever gone!Her crisp and bright voice floated from the sky, hovering above my head like a lone bird, with nowhere to land, and then drifted away in an instant, drifting away without knowing where to go. In the dark night, with the howling wind, I suddenly jumped up from my dream: what about Niuniu?Immediately understood again: there is no Niu Niu.Niu Niu has been hiding in an absolutely safe place, and any natural disasters and man-made disasters in the world will not endanger her.But where is this place?In heaven and earth, where is the space of death, and where is the existence of non-existence?Non-existence is so absurd, how can man not invent heaven and hell for himself. three On the wide road, Niuniu walked in front of me, swinging her little arms, walking very fast, her posture was very similar to that of one of our neighbor's children.That little boy was one month younger than Niu Niu, and he could walk very early. I have always envied him for Niu Niu.I'm really confused, why didn't I realize that Niu Niu learned to walk so well, I thought she died before she learned to walk. When I was thinking like this, I raised my hand, Niuniu suddenly disappeared, and immediately appeared elsewhere.I understand that I have a special function, and I can move things with my mind.So, Niuniu is not dead, I can move her back anytime. I raised my hand again, but this time Niu Niu not only did not move, but turned around slowly, stood still, and stared at me.I realized that Niu Niu was indeed dead.I wanted to see what she was like when she was dead, and looking at her carefully, I found that she was still alive, but at the same time I could feel that she was dead. Niuniu seemed to realize that I had seen through her as a dead person, so she fell to the ground suddenly.I rushed over, picked her up, and found that her face was covered with a thick layer of soil, and her face was blurred.I cried bitterly, woke up from crying... I bought a piece of land and planned to build a house for Niuniu.A friend took me to see the land, and talked with me about the design of the house with great interest along the way.As I listened, I suddenly remembered that Niu Niu had died, so I cried bitterly: "Niu Niu is dead, what's the use of building this house!" My friend said that he saw Niu Niu in the nursery today, she looked very cute.It seemed to me that I realized that all children who died were sent to a special nursery, which was the nursery for death.For so long, she has been far away from her parents, blind and blind, and she has suffered a lot.The more I cried, the more sad I became, my friend took me to interview a strange man and asked him if there was any way to save Niuniu from the death nursery.The man didn't speak, just shook his head.I cried and shouted: "How could such a thing happen in the world, how could such a thing happen!" I woke up from crying, my face was full of tears.After waking up, I cried for a long time, and kept yelling: "Niu Niu, Niu Niu, Dad misses you!" Niu Niu's voice and smile were all in front of my eyes, and I even seemed to smell her breath. After Niuniu died, I often dreamed of her.It is a strange feeling to dream of a dead person: dreaming that she is alive, and at the same time knowing vaguely that she is dead.When the latter consciousness becomes clear, it is time to wake up from the dream.When I dream of a close friend who died many years ago, or a father who died not long ago, it is always clear in the dream that they are dead.The resurrection was short-lived and had been overshadowed ominously in advance. You are different, Niu Niu is always alive in your dreams, but she will definitely have a terrible attack.Once, you dreamed that you were sleeping, the bed was next to a wall, and there were two flat flowerpots on the wall, and there was a cute kitten squatting in each flowerpot.They suddenly jump on the bed, get into your bed, and play with you.You grab their paws and discover they are baby hands.Looking again, the two kittens turned into two Niu Niu.It turned out to be twins, it's so fun, you dreamed of having twin daughters, but you didn't expect your dream to come true.The two girls cuddled up to you and caressed you with their little hands.At this extremely happy moment, you suddenly find that the eyes of the two girls have turned into cat's eyes, which soon fester and rot, becoming wounds that don't heal.You reach into the wound and pull it out, pulling out long worms. The four wounds take turns pulling out one worm after another, and you can’t pull it all out.You cried and pulled, disgusted and sad, woke up from crying, little In the morning, I woke up and lay in bed.You are still asleep.Suddenly, you whimpered and cried very sadly. "Girl, don't be sad." I kept calling and patting you. "Niu Niu, Niu Niu, I dreamed of Niu Niu." You said. I already guessed it. You continue to cry: "She has grown a little bit, like a three-year-old child. However, her eyes are watering again, I think why did it happen again, I know it's bad, the disease is still there, this time I can't hide .” As you spoke, you wept again.I also cried a lot with you, because I love you, and because I miss Niu Niu. After calming down, you said: "I will meet again, once in a while, and grow up a little each time. She is still growing." "Yes, she is still there, there must be another world." I agreed. However, I knew in my heart that there would be no Niu Niu anymore.For this I want to cry without tears. Four After coming down from Mount Putuo, it was getting late, Yuer and I had dinner, walked to a pavilion by the sea, and sat there watching the sea.The sea and sky are gray and bright, dotted with dark cloud shadows, island shadows and little sail shadows. "When I have a child, I will always take her out to play and let her grow up in nature," Yu'er said. I stared at the shadow of the sail slowly moving towards the port, without speaking. "Niu Niu should be more than three years old. However, it is right not to let her live." She added. I still haven't spoken.I thought of the handicapped man I saw at Fayu Temple, and suddenly realized that there was a strange illogicality in our attitudes.She sympathized with the monster so much, but she couldn't bear that Niu Niu survived as a blind person.I despise that monster's desire for life, but no matter how disabled Niuniu is, I don't want her to die. "Do you think I can still have children?" she asked me. "Of course you can, you're still young." "What should I do if I have a bad stomach? The medicines I take are forbidden for pregnant women." The doctor told me not to get pregnant within three years after the caesarean section.It was so easy to wait until the deadline was almost over, when she suddenly had stomach bleeding and got a stomach ulcer. "Don't worry, it will be fine, we still have time." After a moment of silence, she whispered, "I have a heart disease, and I haven't told you about it." "Tell me now, will you?" "I think since Niuniu's death, there has been a gap between us." "I disagree." She ignored me and continued: "You see, I seem to be happy, but in fact, I miss Niuniu every day, but I just don't talk about it. If I can't control it, it will come to you. However, I am simple and I don't want to be in pain. Intoxicated. I end the pain myself, leaving this world is easier than others, and when I close my eyes, I don’t know anything I held her in my arms and said softly, "Why don't I know your heart? I just don't say anything." She tried her best to calm herself down, and then said: "People say that the experience of suffering together will deepen the relationship, isn't it? Pain cannot be shared. In the final analysis, everyone can only bear their own share. You are right Niuniu. I can't help you with my longing and grief, and vice versa." "You are right. According to some statistics, the divorce rate of bereaved couples is higher than 50%. Suffering is not necessarily a bond, but sometimes poison and obstacles. The so-called common suffering is actually the surface, the inner feeling that everyone feels. Pain is unique. Not only can it not be shared, but it is also difficult to convey. If you expect the other party to share it, if you fail, the expectation will turn into resentment. Therefore, what you need is not to share, but to maintain self-esteem for your own pain and respect for the pain of the other party , don't mix them together. We all understand this truth, it's all right, there won't be a big crisis. "When you were hiding and writing, I really felt lonely and abandoned." "I wrote Niu Niu for you, too?" "No, I'm jealous of you because I can't write. I feel like I have nothing." "It's not completely unreasonable for you to think so. I always thought that I could write the common experience and nostalgia of the two of us as our common memory of Niuniu. However, as I wrote, I found that I could at most It can express the worries of a naturally pessimistic person, but cannot measure the pain of a naturally happy person like you. This pain is often hidden deeper. In the final analysis, we can only stand in front of different altars , each face the dead Niu Niu alone." "After all, you still have an altar of words, and I have nothing." "Actually, I understand in my heart that the words are just self-deception, and the symbolic resurrection is as false as all resurrections. But, apart from this, how else can I comfort myself?" "You really don't think we're estranged?" "Of course not, it's necessary to loosen up a bit, or we'll all be out of breath." "I've been secretly thinking, maybe you think I'm heartless, because I'm against operating on Niuniu." "I thought about it carefully. The whole difference lies in our different attitudes towards death. I would rather die than live, and you would rather die than live. I still can't think about it." "You can't even figure out life and death, you are still a philosopher." "I can understand it and I can't understand it. One day I can understand it all, and I will become a monk. Will I stay with you?" "I think you may be buried in the ground before you can achieve this heroic feat." "Then I will realize it ahead of schedule." "What kind of child is there, without a father!" "I'm still early from Quantong, what's the rush?" I intentionally changed the subject: "The third wish you made in Fayu Temple, who is the person who loves you, can you tell me now?" "I guess you have to think about it. It's actually very simple, including you. I'm not just referring to anyone. It's easy to be loved when you are young and beautiful, but I will be old soon. I hope to love me by then." People still love me." "I thought you really had someone in your heart." "Hey, it doesn't matter if it exists or not, it doesn't matter whether it's good or bad, in the end it's still nothing, and nothing can stay." I was amazed that she let out all her grief today, so I hurriedly proposed to go back to the hotel to rest.Night has fallen, the sea is dark, only the direction of the port is scattered with blurred lights.It's windy and it looks like it's going to rain. "I know it's useless to say these things. In fact, everyone understands. What can I do? Wash your feet, go to bed, get up early the next day, brush your teeth, squeeze the car, and rush to work." After saying this, she stood I got up and followed me obediently to the hotel at the foot of the mountain.Along the way, I held her arm and remained silent.Sporadic raindrops hit his face, and it was really raining.