Chapter 14 Chapter Thirteen A Difficult Farewell

one Suffering from the severe pain, Niuniu cried loudly, her voice became hoarse from crying, and she could not cry out.Dad carried her downstairs and walked in the yard.She leaned on her father's shoulder, closed her eyes, and frowned.Dad hurts, and Niuniu cries.If Dad doesn't hurt, Niuniu won't cry.But, it just hurts.She said softly: "Go home and listen to music." Maybe listening to music would be good.Dad walked quickly towards the dormitory building.As soon as I stepped up the steps, there was another sharp pain. "Don't go home, go home, don't go back..." she cried.

Daddy rushed upstairs, and then kept going in and out of the house, walking quickly, trying to distract her. Useless.Niu Niu couldn't stop crying, mixed with shouts: "Why! Baby! Knock! What are you doing!" Mom poured her a spoonful of dissolved painkiller sleeping pills, and she choked.No, it's not choking, the throat disease has made her lose the ability to swallow.She was nauseous, wheezing, and screaming heart-rendingly.Mom cried, Dad cried too, and the mother and daughter cried together. The tango was playing in the room.Niuniu cried and shouted: "It's so beautiful!" Then she cried and imitated the meowing sound in the music: "Meow, meow..." She looked very cute and pitiful.She heard her father crying, "Niu Niu, my father loves me so much!"

Due to the effect of sleeping pills, she finally fell asleep for a while, woke up and told her parents: "Niu Niu is knocking." Then she asked her mother to play the piano, order programs with a hoarse voice, and occasionally sing a line.Suddenly coughed, and kept coughing. Every cough would lead to nausea and asthma, making a hissing sound, and the trachea and throat were constantly snoring.However, she didn't cry, maybe she didn't have the strength to cry, maybe she didn't think it was worth crying over this little discomfort.During the interval of coughing, she said lightly to herself: "Cough."

Knocked, coughed, that's all.She endured as much as she could.From the time she was three months old, she learned to live with physical ailments.She believes that as before, she will be fine if she bears with it.She didn't know there was such a thing as death in the world. However, we know.Not only do we know that Niuniu is dying, but we also hope that she will die in time and not suffer too much pain before she dies. Euthanasia is a wise choice for those who are terminally ill and cannot bear the long-term torture of dying.I would even say it is a reassurance.Regardless of whether it is implemented in the end (this will be decided on a case-by-case basis), patients and their relatives can feel reassured by having this backup plan.In fact, since the spread of Niu Niu's cancer, this program has existed without saying, and we have tacitly understood it in silence.

However, it is easy as a backup plan, but how difficult it is to actually put it into practice.Due to the lack of relevant legislation, doctors all regard this as daunting.Although they unanimously concluded that Niu Niu's life was irretrievable and that any treatment would be useless, when it comes to euthanasia, no one is willing to take responsibility.Of course, this is completely understandable.It's okay, we can take care of ourselves.Doesn't it involve so-called complicated legal issues if you undertake it yourself?Newspapers disclosed such a case: a patient with advanced liver cancer could not stand the torture of the disease, and begged his wife to perform euthanasia for him, and the wife complied, but the poor woman who was in grief over the loss of her husband was sentenced to death.The law is said to uphold the right to life in this way.However, when the continuation of life has become pure pain, isn't it also the right of life to end this pain?What I saw in this case is not so much the protection of the right to life by the law, but the mockery and deprivation of the right to life by the law.What we are facing is the most immediate fact: Niu Niu is suffering intolerable pain, and since there is no hope of recovery, there is no point in suffering this pain.Faced with this fact, isn't it too selfish for parents to stand by and watch because they are afraid of taking responsibility?

The real difficulty, at least for us, is not legal but emotional.The cancer was wreaking havoc on her senses, but not her sense of the world.Seeing her in so much pain, I hope she leaves soon.However, as long as she doesn't die, there will always be a time for temporary relief of pain, although the duration is getting shorter and shorter.At that time, she has the desire to listen, speak, communicate, and move, that is, to have the desire and joy of living again, so I hope she can live on, even if she lives for one more day.To be sure, being early and late made little difference to her, especially to the one who would soon cease to exist.It doesn't make much difference to us, especially for us who are bound to lose her soon.However, isn't life just the difference between leaving early and leaving late?Prolonging her life and shortening her suffering were two irreconcilable motives.How difficult it was to determine an exact time for her to go.And the most difficult thing is, how can parents deal with their own flesh and blood!Medicine you can't save lives, can't you teach me a way to actually die peacefully, and when my daughter wakes up with too much pain and too little pleasure, let her sleep more and wake up less, and when she wakes up there is nothing but pain When she is happy, let her never wake up again?Now I have only one humble wish left, that my daughter can gradually enter into the eternal sleep without awakening in the most peaceful way...

Niu Niu buried her face on the mattress and lay on her body, motionless.Just now she had another violent attack, coughing desperately, out of breath, and shouting hoarsely, trying to yell out the pain in her throat to get rid of it, but she couldn't get rid of it.The mother shed tears silently, and she cried in her mother's arms, crying weakly.She no longer has the strength to cry.Finally, she broke free from her mother's arms and fell down by herself.She felt better that way.She lay motionless for a long time. There was music playing in the room, and she was listening.Hearing a piece of wind music, she smiled and said to herself: "Insects scream." She continued to lie on her stomach, but turned her face to the direction of the tape recorder, listening more intently.She began to explain the music in a low voice according to her understanding: "Frog, croak - cat meow, meow, meow - shit, let the cat eat..." She really wanted to shit and turned over , lying on his back.Mom cheered by the side, she exerted all her strength, and slowly pulled out a dozen or so poop particles.Sweating all over, she said to herself: "I'm soaked and sweating."

Now she feels more comfortable and has the desire to play.She called out the names of the toys one by one, asked her mother to get them for her, and played with them all.Grabbed a piece of paper, tore it up, and said, "Tear it up." Stretched out a little hand to pull down the sock, and said, "Sock." Suddenly shouted itchy: "Yaya itch, hand itch, cat itch, puppy itch , Mom gave me a scratch." Finally, she felt uncomfortable again, crying hoarsely, and shouted: "What I want to play with is a small round board!" It was a small green plastic disc that fell from a toy and became her baby, almost It is equal to Jia Baoyu's psychic jade.Whenever she feels bad, she thinks about it.When she sleeps, she also wants it, holding it in her hand, it is easy to fall asleep with peace of mind.Now she is in a hurry and screams: "Hurry up! Find it!" There is also a small yellow disc with exactly the same shape and texture, which she does not want.She can feel the difference, only the green one is a baby, and the yellow one is just an ordinary toy.Mom and Ah Zhen struggled to find it for a while, and finally found it in mom's pocket.

Niuniu held the small round board in her hand and gradually calmed down.She lay with her eyes closed, raising her hand from time to time to drop the small round board from above the bed rail, and it fell on the toy in her mother's hand, making a knocking sound.She repeated the action, listening to the sound. Dad watched the scene from the sidelines for a long time, remembering a sentence he read in a book a long time ago: "How sad it is for a sick child to still play with the toy in his hand before dying." two "You can see that the tumor in her mouth is growing rapidly, and it is getting more and more difficult to swallow. After that, sleeping pills can't be given anymore."

"We have to be decisive." "I'm afraid that she won't be able to get through it all at once and suffer even more." "I can't even think about it. It's ridiculous..." "Everyone says to think about it, but in fact, only we know what we have experienced, and it is impossible for others to experience it." "From now on, let's make wood and stone, squeeze out our feelings, and leave nothing behind." "It would be much better if the two of us supported this matter. After you go, what should I do if I encounter something by myself?"

"Have another baby. You'll be much better off with kids." "We have experienced this together, it is really unforgettable, everything else is just superficial." "It's just too hard for you, you still had a cesarean delivery." "Yo, I forgot. But the main thing is you two, you and Niuniu. She's so small, and you're so sensitive." "I have studied philosophy all my life, and this benefit has enabled me, a sensitive person, to become philosophical." "Are you sensitive? For the same thing, if I get one point, you get two points." "Niuniu suffers very much. Let's not talk about it, we must pass this hurdle..." three In the middle of the night, the lights of Wanjia had been extinguished, but this room was lit as usual.Niu Niu fell asleep, her curled up body shrank under the light, looking pitiful.Her lively and lovely photos hang on the wall, but she is no longer the girl in the photos.Her fresh source of life has been completely polluted by the disease, which makes her weak, her complexion is gray, and cancerous tumors burst out from various parts of her head and face one after another.The most frightening thing was still the inside of the mouth, where the tumor had displaced the lower row of teeth, and the surface of the tumor was ulcerated, giving off a foul smell. Niu Niu, my sweet-smelling baby, the frankincense of her body makes me so intoxicated. Looking at the unrecognizable Niuniu in front of me, I knew it was time to let her go.It is a great shame for her to allow her to continue to suffer such ugly torture. When I was thinking like this, I suddenly realized how ruthless life is, it instinctively rejects a dead body, even if this body is my own flesh and blood.No matter how much you love your loved one and mourn her imminent death, once she is actually dying and you are not ready to die with her immediately, your life instinct will urge you to let her go. distance between the living and the dead.It is not my intention to condemn this perfectly natural attitude, any more than I should accuse those who loved me of the same attitude when I lay dying. But that is why, my Niuniu, how helpless she is at this very moment.Medicine—the world's authority on matters of life and death—had pronounced her dead, and no one had come out against the verdict.Everyone, including her parents, is only waiting for one thing, which is her death.She is a little life abandoned by this world.Even I sided with the world and joined in the unification of her abandonment.If I can forgive myself, the only reason is that sooner or later I will be abandoned by this world, so I have already accepted punishment and redemption in advance.My life is temporary, my loss of my child is temporary, and the flow of time will eventually wipe out my insignificant existence and tragedy. Four "Still eating, still eating..." Niu Niu kept talking while lying on the small bed with her eyes closed.Dad wrapped the chewed bean paste with the melted Anthium, and stuffed it into her mouth mouthful.Despite difficulty swallowing, she ate with gusto.She is indeed hungry.Sometimes her father hesitated a little, and she would anxiously raise her voice and shout "still eat". "Yes." Dad said with tears. "Yes." She also said, expressing her understanding and reassurance. She ate a lot of bean paste.For many days, her appetite had never been so good.After eating, her spirit was never better than in many days, and she played happily on the bed for three and a half hours. "Playing cards," she demanded.Dad handed her a mahjong tile. "Play cards with Dad, play cards with Mom," she said. The music is playing.She asked: "Mom sings, Dad sings." She reported the title of the song and said: "Niu Niu sings." She repeated the lyrics with a smile: "Everyone loves me." After hearing this, Mom looked at Dad sadly. Struggled to stand up, jumped on the bed, jumped a few times, fell down, and said, "Daddy hurts." "I want a newspaper." Waving the newspaper, enjoying the sound.Then tear and knead and tear into several pieces. "Play with the drawer." Carried her to the drawer, her little hands were really strong, opened and closed the drawer, and played for a while. "Bow." Her mother helped her up, and she counted herself while bowing: "One bow, two bows..." "Toys." Give her the toy basket, she reached out to take the toys one by one, played with them and threw them aside, and finally waved the empty basket. "I want Tutu—Tutu is lost—I found it, I found Tutu." "Take the music box." She held it in her hand, scratched the surface of the box with her nails, listened to the sound of friction, and kept groping for each facet with her hands, then lifted it up and waved it. "I want a ball." Holding one in each hand, he tapped and said, "Two balls." Put the ball into the small round box and shake it. "Take the small round board." At this time, she was tired, holding her beloved small round board, and gradually fell asleep in her father's arms.With tears in his eyes, Dad hugged her and walked away for a long time, recalling that she played with all the toys before going to bed, like a final farewell... However, three hours later, she was half awake, and said drowsily, "Take something to play with and listen to music." Six hours later, she was fully awake and had fun and appetite again, but her physical discomfort gradually recovered. , began to itch and hurt. 13,500 tablets of diazepam can bring down 27 elephants and 270 adults.What Niuniu got was ten hours of comfort that she hadn't had in a long time. Impossible, absolutely impossible! What the fuck is impossible!You are all blind to the most obvious truth: Niuniu just doesn't want to go. Niu Niu was lying on the bed with her eyes closed all the time, not being hugged or touched.She felt exhausted.Sometimes, she would cry for a while by herself in a low voice, but she would not call her parents, as if she knew that they could not save her. Now, every time I feed, I mix some sleeping pills in the food, in order to weaken the attack of the disease.However, it also damaged her vitality.So far, what else can we do? On this day, just after feeding, she still didn't open her eyes, but called softly: "Mom." "Mama, how about a hug?" Mom asked. "No hug." Mom really wants to hug her. She hasn't hugged her for two or three days, and she always feels empty in her arms.Mom stretched out her hand to test, but she was quite small and refused. "Itches," she said. Mom stretched out her hand to scratch her, but she pushed it away with her little hand.After a while, she cried mournfully again. "Why is Niuniu not feeling well, tell Dad." Dad leaned close to her ear and asked. "Knocked." "How about a hug, Daddy?" "Don't hug—huh?" She cried, her voice was weak and inarticulate, but it was in a heartbreaking tone of negotiation. Finally, it fell into a half-sleep-like silence, and soon woke up again, weeping mournfully, and kept whispering: "Dad, I want my dad, I want my dad..." I stretched out my two little hands to touch my dad.Dad leaned over, and she took off his glasses, held them for a while, and then threw them away.Dad teased her with tears in his eyes: "Ah—" She wanted to respond, but it was too uncomfortable, and crying choked her answer, so she tried again to shout: "Ah—" Dad couldn't bear it anymore, and shook his head. pick her up.She cried out with difficulty in her father's arms: "Don't hug—ah? Hug..." Coughing violently, she struggled to lie back on the bed. After she calmed down, she called again: "Look for Dad." Dad answered. "Find the elephant," she said.The voice was muffled, and Dad couldn't hear clearly. She repeated it with difficulty, was interrupted by a sharp cough, and then insisted: "Look for the elephant." Dad understood and showed it to her. "Ball." Dad gave her a small plastic ball, but she didn't want it, so she repeated: "Ball." Hitting Dad with the ball, she said, "Daddy hurts." I started to have fun, but was immediately interrupted by the drama cough.I was exhausted from coughing, and just stopped, suddenly said: "The music is gone." As soon as the words fell, the music stopped.She often listened to this lullaby when she was born, but she hardly listened to it afterwards, but she still remembered it.She wept weakly. "Daddy hug, okay?" She was lying on her side, but Dad heard her say in a very soft voice, "Okay." Dad hugs her and changes music.Together with the music, she stopped crying and said, "Tango." It was indeed the tango.Her mother had told her so many days ago, and she remembered.In the last days of her life, her mind was still very clear. Lulu sent some dolantin, just in case.Everyone felt that this untimely need was imminent.The mysterious thing is that every time this happens, Niuniu's vitality will show signs of temporary recovery. The whole family was eating, and Niuniu woke up, and said softly to herself: "Cat, Dad." Dad put down the bowl and chopsticks, and walked to her side. "Eat," she said.Dad didn't hear clearly, so she repeated. "Is it okay to eat food?" "Okay, hurry up and feed." Dad fed her lean meat, chestnuts, green vegetables, and tofu by spitting out candied preserved meat. She loved them very much and kept saying "I still eat", which was later simplified to "I still eat".I ate a lot, and almost recovered the food intake before the onset of the disease.After eating, I struggled to stand up, wanted to jump, and wobbled a few times, after all, I was powerless and lay down. "Daddy hug, okay?" "Hug, hurry up." Dad hugged her, she was listening to the music, dissatisfied, and ordered: "Change the music!" There was a knocking sound in the music, and she explained: "Knock, knock, who is it?" I haven't washed my face and hands for a few days due to skin tenderness.While she was in good spirits, Ah Zhen washed her, and her little face was clean again.Then, Ah Zhen braided her hair again, and asked: "Niuniu, what am I doing?" The answer: "Put braids." Ask for cereal, which is a kind of baby food smaller than a ring. She doesn't eat it. She holds it in her hand and plays with it. The two small hands deftly pass each other. After playing for a while, she throws it on the ground. "Did Niuniu drop the cereal?" Mom teased her. "Mom dropped it!" She also teased her mother. After a while, she asked: "Read books." Mom handed her a book, and she tore it up with her hands. This is her "reading".The little hands are really strong. She tore off a page, and then tore the page into pieces three times, and then tore a larger piece into two pieces, took one piece in each hand, and said, "Two." Use actions to show that she understands. One becomes two. Not only did she love to talk, but her voice was also recovering and becoming louder again.Respiratory symptoms seem to have also been alleviated, and the runny nose and cough are no longer there. Things are better at night. "Listen to playing the piano." She asked, and ordered the program.After listening for a while, she volunteered: "Niuniu plays the piano." Sitting on her mother's lap, she patted the keys with her little hands and played happily for a long time. Faced with this situation, my father quietly hid those few sticks of dolantin. Fives The room was very quiet, only Niu and I.She lay sideways on the small bed with her eyes closed, her left hand was holding on to the iron railing above the bed frame, the iron railing was cold.Sometimes the hand let go, and then immediately grabbed it again.His right hand stretched out from the gap in the iron bars and rested on the side of the bed.I sat beside her and gently stroked her hand that was clinging to the bed rail. She remained motionless.It was extremely quiet, and there was something regrettable in this stillness. After what seemed like a long, long time, she slowly withdrew her two hands and grabbed one of my fingers together.She dragged my hand to her cheek, resting on one ear. "Itches," she said softly. I massage her helix with my index finger.She held my thumb with her right hand and the other three fingers with her left hand, still lying quietly with her eyes closed.Sometimes, she called out "Dad" softly, and I responded softly, and then there was silence again.A slight echo, like whispers and gossamer, no one hears in the vast universe, leaving no trace, but it makes me feel the weight of farewell more and more.Of all the farewells in the world, none is more painful than the farewell to a child.No matter whether it is the self or the child, the one who is really abandoned is always the young life, and the desperate pity for the child also makes the parents feel strongly that they are abandoned by God.This is also the loneliest farewell. There can be no verbal comfort, entrustment and commemoration between the living and the dead. But I heard Niu Niu calling softly: "Dad." I leaned down, and she reached out to touch my face and lips, and put her little hand in my mouth. "Daddy's heart hurts." She said, her voice was very small, but I could hear every word clearly.I licked and kissed her little hand with tears, that tender little hand covered with my tears and spittle. six Niuniu fell asleep, and I stayed by the bed and dozed off. I vaguely saw a tall man in black, followed by Yu'er in white.They went to the cabinet where Dulantin was stored, unlocked it, and took out the potion.The man cut through the vials one by one and sucked the medicine into the needle.I suddenly understood what they were trying to do, and I wanted to cry out in fright, but I couldn't make a sound.With tears all over her face, Yu'er took off Niuniu's pants.A big trembling hand inserted the needle into the little butt, and the medicine in the needle tube was empty. Niu Niu cried and stopped abruptly.Then, she began to twitch, straightened up, and took a hard breath, making a sharp fricative sound in her throat.She couldn't catch her breath, her lips turned white and black in an instant, her little hands also turned gray, and soon turned into a small corpse. I finally yelled out, "No, don't!" "Don't want what?" Yu'er's voice. I opened my eyes and she was standing next to me in her lavender pajamas.Niu Niu was still lying down, a little awake, and played with her little hand. "Don't euthanize," I said. "Why don't you understand? Euthanasia is the best, so she will be happy." "No, there's no euthanasia at all." I thought of Niuniu’s tragic struggle just before she died, and I no longer believed that death could be peaceful, and I refused to let her become such a small corpse.Although the disease has ruined her beyond recognition, her small body is still warm and can be snuggled up evenly when held in her arms. Live blood still flows in her veins, giving her the color and color of life. luster.Once dead, it's all gone, she'll be cold, stiff, gray, and it won't be her anymore.Life and death have nothing in common.I can't see a corpse, especially my own flesh and blood turned into a corpse.I can't see myself turning into a corpse, luckily I can't.Life is like a dream, but it is not as light and clean as dreams come and go. Birth and death are so heavy and stained with blood.Why can't life be like a cloud of air drifting away in an instant, a beam of light disappearing in an instant, but it has to go through the process of being pulled out of the flesh?As long as this process cannot be avoided, death cannot be pleasant. "I will definitely be euthanized when the time comes. Whether you are willing or not is still a question." Yu'er's critical voice came from a distance, and I nodded indifferently. seven Niu Niu's condition deteriorated sharply.The tumor on the right side of the mouth was extremely large, and the left side also had a tumor. The tooth that was crooked by the tumor had fallen off at some point, and the tumor was bleeding and suppurating.She lay there with her mouth wide open, her brows furrowed, her closed eyes covered with secretions, and a thick brown scab formed under her nose. The most frightening thing is the pain. When it happens, it is really helpless and heartbreaking.The attacks became more frequent and kept her from sleeping.In fact, she no longer had real sleep, only a slumbering sleeplessness, which was the exhaustion and weakness after the onset of pain.You are awake most of the day, and being awake is pain, not pleasure. But Niuniu is still very patient, she always frowns and endures the pain that must be continuous, and only cries when she can't bear it anymore: "It hurts so much! It's so itchy!" "Knock it! Hit it! hit!" Oddly enough, her voice suddenly became extraordinarily sonorous, as if it were a flashback of her lovely voice before it fell into perpetual silence. Even with such an illness, she still does not forget music. "Listen to tango," she demanded.When the music started, she said, "Here comes the tango." Dad hurriedly praised her for being smart, and every time she praised her, she laughed.In fact, she almost lost the ability to laugh, and the muscles on her face were tightened by the tumor, but she still tried to move her mouth to show that she was smiling and understood and accepted her father's praise. Sometimes, she even wanted to tease Mom and Dad as usual. "Plate," she demanded.Handed it to her, she let go, and then shouted: "Ah—" The tone was not lacking in the usual mischievous meaning, but there was a frowning and closed expression of pain on the face. This weird combination is even more heartbreaking. Eating became increasingly difficult due to the blockage of the tumor.In the past few days, she just used a straw to drip a little soup into her mouth to maintain her life.Of course it is impossible to take medicine, and the general painkillers can't stop the more frequent and severe pain, maybe it's time to use those few pethidine. "Let's find someone to help." "No one can help you with this job, let's liberate ourselves." "None of us have any experience with injections, so I'm afraid it won't work well." "There's always a first time. I'm practicing now, and you may need it when you're sick." "I don't worry about you, I'm careful, let me come." "What's the use of being careful? You need boldness and dexterity. You're so indecisive and clumsy." "That's true. You have to be careful." "You'd better avoid it at that time. Things will be much easier if you are not around." "Don't underestimate me, I can stand it, maybe I can be your assistant." Late at night, when a severe pain was about to break out, she gave Niuniu the first injection.After the injection, Niuniu thrust into her arms hard.She put Niuniu on the bed and dressed her, and Niuniu stood up again and rushed towards her.She couldn't help crying. But the effect of pain relief was obvious, and Niuniu fell asleep after a while.In the morning, with the whole family around her, she gradually woke up. "Who?—Little heart." These were the first words she said after waking up. Soon, the effect of the medicine wore off, and she began to suffer from pain again. She kept crying, "Look for mom, hurry up! Hurry up!" and shouted, "Where did you go? Where did you go? Where are you?" one meaning.She seemed to know that her mother could relieve her pain.Mom came and gave her another injection. Zhenzhen was about to go downstairs, but she heard her mother say to Zhenzhen: "Bring the evening paper by the way." Then she shouted: "Bring it, bring it!" Mom asked: "What are you bringing?" She replied: "Newspaper. " The medicine took effect, and she fell asleep, holding the evening paper that Zhenzhen gave her in her little hand.This poor little life, dying of illness, is still yearning for a piece of paper in the world. Why are you in such a hurry, I bought another ten boxes of dolantin without me, a total of one hundred sticks, and injected them all into Niuniu's little body at once.You can't hide it from me, your sneaky looks have already given everything away.You were afraid that I would find out, so you threw all the used small glass bottles into the small river, and I smelled the pungent smell of medicine coming from that direction.But you failed again, and Niuniu died only five hours later.Just when you thought she was going to die this time and were preparing to take care of the funeral, she said softly: "Dad." She woke up again.I told you a long time ago: Niuniu doesn't want to leave. But you are determined, if you don't do it, you don't stop, call immediately, check medical books, and find a new surefire medicine.Even though you keep your voices down, I can hear you talking about phenobarbital.No use, no use at all.Since I know that Niuniu doesn't want to leave, you don't want to do it again. Eight Niuniu laughed and laughed in her sleep.The corners of her mouth trembled slightly, and she laughed very hard, often like sobbing, but she was indeed smiling.What did she dream about? The tall man in black came in holding the syringe, followed by Yu'er in white.They discussed in whispers for a while.Yu'er took the needle and started to inject.Niu Niu was not fully awake, she kicked her buttocks, and kept crying, "Okay-oh? Okay-oh?" It seemed to be discussing and begging for mercy. Yu'er pulled out the needle, and Niuniu shouted, "Look for Dad." I stood up in a daze and hugged her.She said: "Dance." A lullaby sounded in my ears, and I couldn't help but rippling with the music.I found that I was in a spacious white room with delicate little cradles lined up, all covered with white gauze.It turned out that this was the nursery room of the hospital where Niuniu was born. It was so beautiful. I had never been in it before.I was dancing in the open space between the cradles, Niuniu was in my arms, and her little hands were inserted under my armpits, gently picking at my body.I knew I couldn't stop dancing, or Niuniu would die, so I danced more and more frantically.But Niuniu's movements of teasing me became slower and slower, and finally stopped.I also stopped, looked down, and found that Niuniu was no longer in my arms.A gust of wind blew open the window and lifted the white gauze cover of the cradle in the corner, and Niuniu's little body was lying inside, pale and transparent like a little wax figure. The music was still playing, but the lullaby had been replaced by a requiem. The cradle in the corner is the farthest from me, and there are many other cradles in the middle, their white gauze covers are tightly covering them, and they are completely motionless.I jumped over these cradles and ran towards Niuniu's cradle.When I was about to arrive, the cradle suddenly rose and floated in the direction of the window.I pounced on it and grabbed the cradle.At this time, I found that I was still in my home, and Niuniu was still in my arms. She had fallen asleep and her breathing was very weak. The phone in the corridor rang unnecessarily. I put Niuniu on the bed and answered it unnecessarily.When I returned, I couldn't find the door. The place where the door used to be was replaced by a thick wall.I bumped my head towards the wall, the wall collapsed, and I bumped into Yu'er.She blocked me with all her strength and cried loudly: "Get out! Get out!" I pushed her away and rushed to the bed.Niuniu was lying on her back and had stopped breathing. Yu'er clung to Niu Niu's body and cried, "Why should I give birth to her, why should I give birth to her..." I snatched Niuniu from under her, rushed to the balcony with the little body in my arms, and jumped into the dark night outside the window. There was silence, no requiem. Nine I locked the domeridines in the cupboard, and kept the key myself.Only when Niuniu was in severe pain, I unlocked and took out one for Yu'er to inject. "Okay, I'll listen to you." Yu'er burst into tears. During an injection, she accidentally pricked Niuniu's buttocks to bleed, and cried sadly.She actually felt that this small mistake was more serious than the fact that Niuniu was dying. When I woke up again, I found that it was extremely difficult for Niu Niu to speak. Her mind was still clear, but she was no longer able to do what she wanted. "Wait...wawa," she whispered.I knew she wanted to say she wanted mom and dad, but she couldn't pronounce those two sounds. I carried her to the piano room, and she said, "Play—" but she couldn't pronounce the sound of "qin".I played a piece and asked her what it was, she moved her lips as an answer.I quickly said, "Niu Niu is so smart, it's "Looking for Friends." I carried her to each room and asked her where she was, but she moved her lips and was speechless. Attack after attack, injection after injection, the potency of the drug is diminishing, but the damage to the body is accumulating.Meanwhile, the tumor was still growing and eventually blocked the esophagus, making it impossible to eat or drink anything.Niuniu gradually entered a state of exhaustion. Every time she fell into a deep sleep, I always stood by her side, counting her pulse and breathing. "Niuniu, go, go..." I whispered to her softly, hoping that she would hear my advice and leave with peace of mind.However, seeing her finally wake up slowly, I was relieved and breathed a sigh of relief. Now, everyone is waiting for the doomed ending, with calmness, anxiety, anticipation and fear intertwined in their hearts.Only Niuniu didn't wait, she was just lethargic and in pain, enduring the double consumption of disease and medicine.However, that ending was exactly hers, the ending that belonged to her alone and not to anyone else. The end has finally come. Niu Niu has not woken up for two days.She slept on the cot, her body shrank very small, her face was pale, and her breathing was weak.Yu'er and I stayed by the little bed day and night, touching her little hand from time to time.The little hands are still warm.She slept soundly, and seemed no longer bothered by the pain, which her exhausted body was no longer able to feel. The room was extremely quiet, only broken by the occasional sound of cars from the street.The windows were curtained and dimly lit.Everyone walked on tiptoe, as if afraid of waking up the little beings who were sinking into eternal sleep.In fact, she will not be awakened.Rather, everyone is aware that the god of death has come, and it is the only owner of this room at this moment, while all the living people have instead become shadows that should disappear. When it was nearly dusk, Niuniu moved her lips suddenly, and Yu'er and I heard her say in a very soft voice at the same time: "Open..." That's right, she wanted to say "Turn on the music."I went to turn on the stereo, turned the volume down to the minimum, and the melody of a lullaby echoed in the room. Niu Niu suddenly stretched out her hand, tightly grasping Yu'er's wrist which was close to her, and sighed softly.Then her hands loosened, her whole body twitched violently, and she stopped breathing. Cars sped unnecessarily towards the hospital.Niu Niu is in my arms, her little head hangs weakly to one side. Niuniu died at 5:00 pm on November 7, 1991.