Chapter 13 Chapter 12 Knocked

one Niuniu feels pain.In the mouth, in the nose, in the skull, it hurts everywhere.The right side of the face was sore.Although her tender life has been tortured by illness, she has never felt such pain.She wanted to forget the pain and tried to think of things that she was usually interested in, but she found that she was not interested now because she was in pain.She kept crying: "Look for the drawer, don't look for the drawer, drink water, don't drink water, hold Zhenzhen, don't hold Zhenzhen, listen to Xiao Jingjing, don't listen to Xiao Jingjing..." She didn't know what to do, Nothing could make her feel better.

"Knocked!" She cried over and over again.Once, a long time ago, she knocked on the bed frame and cried.While comforting her, her mother asked, "Niu Niu knocked, didn't she?" She memorized the word.She didn't understand that her pain was caused by a tumor that had been lying in wait since she was born and was now spreading ferociously throughout her head and body.She was too young to understand.She decided that she was hurt by something again.In her short life, she suffered from the severe pain of cancer that most adults never experienced until their death, but she could only say: "I'm knocked!"

Maybe she didn't understand well.At birth she was a mortally wounded fawn thrown over a cliff and bumped against jagged rocks.At this moment, she was falling off the cliff, falling into the abyss, being scraped bloody by the sharp stones along the way. I held out my palm, and a bird flew and landed on my palm.She is a bird shot by a poisoned arrow.She flapped her immature wings, eager to fly to the blue sky, but fell to the ground again and again.Toxic attack, final drop. Life comes from nothing, passes through this world, and goes to nothing.Fragile, sensitive, fleeting life, hard, indifferent, eternal world.Life and the world, what a different thing.When life passes through the world, how can it not be knocked?The purer the life, the easier it is to be knocked down, and the more it is rejected by this world.Niu Niu didn't understand why the world kept hitting her, and the pain became more and more painful, and the pain was unbearable.She didn't understand why she was always being knocked over by parents who led her through the world.She was in so much pain, she held onto her father's arm tightly, and suddenly remembered that her father had said to find a way, so she cried:

"Niuniu is knocking, good father think of a way, think of a way!" I hugged her, weeping silently.In the face of her unrelieved pain and inescapable destruction, I am ashamed to repeat the lie. two After radiotherapy, Niuniu's condition remained stable for only two months.Since mid-September, she cried more and more frequently: "Knock it, knock it!" That night, she almost stayed up all night, and immediately woke up crying as soon as she fell asleep, and kept shouting: "It's knocking!" Yu'er felt that she had a low-grade fever and wanted to take her temperature.She broke free and shouted: "No!" Then she still said: "I'm knocked." She frowned, closed her eyes, and looked extremely painful.Sometimes I rub my nose vigorously.

It was still the same the next day, refusing to drink milk or eat, crying: "Knocking, who did it! Fuck!" Sometimes comforting myself: "Kowling, it's okay—it's okay." "Daddy hurts Little girl—good girl—heart girl.” There was a little peace at noon, and I ate a few slices of peaches.As he ate, he talked to himself, with words like "brave," "awesome," and "very happy."However, he immediately shouted "knocked" again, moaning endlessly. I held her all the time, and she said softly to me: "Daddy hurts, Niuniu cries."

She yelled several times: "Scared! Scared!" I said, "Niu Niu is not afraid." She cried even harder: "Scared! Niu Niu is afraid!" I couldn't help crying, and she shouted: "Brave! Brave! " Since then, things have been up and down for her.When he is good, he is still eloquent, laughing and talking happily.However, every four or five days, he would have an attack, crying "knocked".The condition of the eye has been stable since radiation, so we can't tell where she hurts.Sometimes she complained to herself: "My stomach hurts." We suspected that it was caused by the metastasis of the tumor to the internal organs.I took her to ophthalmology, pediatrics, and oncology experts for examination, but no signs of metastasis were found.

My poor Niuniu, she's so sluggish, with a runny nose, and crying so hard.I hugged her, and she pressed her small body tightly against my body, listening to my soft words, gradually calmed down, and suddenly echoed, she said with self-pity: "Jiao." I said: "Yes, Niuniujiao, Niuniu is my father's lifeblood." She laughed when she heard the new word "lifeblood", and she was happy for a while. The two of us brought Niu Niu's CT scans and visited a retired old expert.Although the CT room clearly stated "no signs of spread" on the medical certificate, we were still worried and hoped to hear more authoritative opinions.The old expert looked at these films very carefully, and then told us: "It has been completely calcified, and no living tumor tissue can be seen."

How happy, as soon as I left the old expert's house, Yu'er laughed, and I laughed too, Niuniu was able to survive! However, I still have doubts in my heart.These days, Niu Niu always cries, "Knocked!", what's going on? That night, I felt multiple swollen lymph nodes behind Niuniu's left neck, which were hard and could not be pushed.I know this is a classic sign of cancer metastasis. Two days later, during that sleepless night, I found a large swelling with a white covering in her mouth that was always open and howling.Driving to the hospital the next day, she was extremely disturbed in the car, crying to herself: "One, two, three, four, five, stand up!" Yu'er forced Yu'er to hug her to stand up and get out of the speeding car.I hugged her and paced around the hospital yard, waiting for the results of the sentencing examination. She was still extremely disturbed, twisting her body and sobbing.

Hope is completely shattered, shattered so that there is not a trace left.The doctor diagnosed that the cancer had metastasized to the oral cavity along the lower temporal surface. The kind-hearted doctor Hu came from afar to examine Niuniu, and the diagnosis was equally convincing. There are three ways of retinoblastoma metastasis and death: brain tissue involvement; tumor invasion of nasopharyngeal cavity causing dysphagia and suffocation; distant metastasis to liver, kidney and bone.Among them, the second type is the most appalling in appearance, but it is also the most tortured in fact.

Niuniu's life is really hard. At this moment, she frowned tightly, closed her eyes, and lay softly in Yu'er's arms.There was music blaring in the room, and she listened, whispering short sentences in fits and starts.Sometimes it is a newspaper program: Smurfs-Happy Birthday-Birds are singing-On the grass.Sometimes associations arise from the lyrics: la la la—la la good.There was a car horn on the street, she said: "The car is ringing." Immediately remembered something, and said: "The balcony is very comfortable and warm." Yu'er didn't understand what she meant, she was anxious, and said in a high voice : "Go to the balcony!" Yu'er hugged her to the balcony, she said happily: "Sun, it's very comfortable." She waved vigorously in the direction of the window.

After Doctor Hu left, Yu'er cried into tears. "Now I can only think that she is also suffering..." I tried to enlighten her. "I understand. It's right in front of me—she's still hot, hugging you in her arms, holding you tightly, it's unimaginable that she'll be cold." Over there, Ah Zhen stood by Niu Niu's side, crying too.Niu Niu, however, was sitting on the bed playing with toy cats and dogs, and suddenly cried out: "Wow, woof!" three In the interval of pain, Niu Niu still has lively moments.Ah Zhen hugged her and came to me, I heard her voice from far to near: "Looking for Dad, looking for Dad..." Stand before me.Ah Zhen coaxed her: "Father is not at home." She blurted out: "Zhenzhen is talking nonsense!" I took it over and asked, "Is that Dad?" She said proudly, "This is Dad." She shook the book in her hand and told me, "Niuniu's book." Then she asked, "Go for a walk." I carried her to the corridor and said to myself, "It's getting cold." She immediately said, "It's raining, the sky is clear, it's getting dark, and the lights are on." I thought of music again.I carried her back to the house, and as soon as she entered the door, she immediately said, "Niu Niu's room." Holding the tape cassette, she asked herself, "Whose music box is it? Niu Niu's box." Insert a report on her own feelings: "Farted, Niuniu farted." Suddenly she shouted softly: "Yes, I'm so happy!" When he said it, his tone was lifelike. I turned up the volume, she laughed out loud, and then said: "I like it, I like to turn it up!" I sighed that she was smart, and I was going to tell Yu'er.She immediately said: "Tell mom, I like to turn it bigger." I asked: "Do you want to listen to the piano?" She replied: "Listen, play the piano for Niuniu." At this time, Niu Niu's right side of her face was obviously swollen.Because the nasopharyngeal cavity is filled with tumors, it is difficult to breathe, and the mouth is always open.Feed a sip of Jianer powder, often have to take a breath or two before swallowing.It is also difficult to speak, the voice is spit out, the breath is out of breath, and it is said again. Sometimes a sentence has to be started several times before it is said, and it is finished several times.Even so, as long as the pain wasn't too severe, she talked and talked with gusto.However, I can clearly see that she rubs her right ear, nose, and cheek with her small hands from time to time.Once, when she was having fun, she suddenly raised her hand and rubbed the right part of the bridge of her nose vigorously, her face changed abruptly, she cried, and shouted, "Itchy, my nose is knocked!" Knocked!Knocked!The shouts sounded like the death knell at a festive dinner, clearly indicating that the feast was coming to an end and that death was breaking through the door. Niuniu woke up and lay quietly on the small bed, stretching out her little hands to play with the bed rails.She said to herself: "Ah, baby." She rubbed her head and said, "It's itchy, I'm knocking." Yu'er approached her, and she smelled the breath, and said, "Mom hug." Yu'er picked her up , She said: "Listen to music." While listening, she muttered: "Niu Niu is amazing... In the world, it is good to have a mother." "Mom sing," she demanded, "dance and pat Niu Niu." Yu'er said, "Niu Niu is so nice." She said, "I like it." The car horn sounded outside the window, and she told her mother, "The car is calling. "She also laughed for no reason a few times and laughed out loud.Yu'er said: "It's a good smile." She laughed again at her mother. Taking advantage of the warmth, A-Zhen Zhang Luo gave her a bath.Since the onset, I haven't bathed for several days.I was worried that she would refuse to wash, but I didn't expect her to be in very good condition, sitting in the basin, playing with building blocks, bowls, towels, and talking non-stop.She knew that it was Ah Zhen and her mother who were bathing her, so she said: "Good night, good night Zhenzhen, good night mother." I took a picture, and the flash clicked, and she said, "Camera." After taking a bath, she was very beautiful and fair. His face was wide open, very energetic, like a healthy child again.However, when I was dressing her, I felt a swollen lymph node on the left neck and a hard lump on the right cheek. In the afternoon, Ah Zhen took her and she played on the bed by herself.Suddenly, she bent down and pressed her head against the bed, her small body bowed there, motionless.Ah Zhen kept asking, "What's Niuniu doing?" She ignored her, continued to bend her body, and then lay down again, with her face buried in the quilt, not moving for a long time.Ah Zhen thought she was going to sleep and ignored her.Suddenly, she burst into tears.I rushed over and picked her up, only to see that her nostrils were full of bloodshot snot. "Knock!" she told me, crying. At night, Yu'er took her with her. I was awakened by her crying and took her from Yu'er.She had a runny nose, cried loudly, and shouted: "It hurts, it hurts, it hurts to death!" Then she shouted: "Think of a way!" There were some words I couldn't understand.She opened her mouth wide, and I saw that the tumor on the upper jaw had grown bigger, and it was black and blue, which made people feel creepy. Niuniu slept in my arms all night.She turned sideways, with a small hand always on my chest.Under the light, I looked at half of her swollen face and found that the inner side of the right nostril had been obviously thickened.No wonder her breathing became more and more difficult, she struggled to open her small mouth, and the sound of her heavy breathing rang out in the room. My own flesh and blood, my own flesh and blood.Father's dearest and dearest flesh and blood.My flesh and blood are being eaten away in great chunks.What a good girl, she was in pain, but she fell asleep peacefully in her father's arms.Good girl, she is always happy when she is sick like this.Who did it?Niuniu did it!Zhenzhen is talking nonsense, and Niuniu is also talking nonsense!Give it to Dad, forget it if you don’t eat it!Ah Zhen said, Niuniu is really good, and Niuniu shouldn't have this disease. Such a nice girl, she is leaving soon.The lovely voice will be silenced in an instant, and it will never be heard again.The last joy of life, together with the unbearable pain, will end with life.Life is really a fucking dream, and even the pain is unreal.When life is gone, where is the pain that once tortured people to death?That being the case, what does it matter, what is the point of enduring it?Knock it, knock it!Niuniu is knocking, dad is knocking, mother is knocking, our family is fucking knocking!Who did it, who the fuck did it?Niuniu is lying in my arms so trustingly, but I can't save her, what kind of fucking father am I?Such a good girl must die, what the hell world is this?It thundered, it rained, and the sky fell!Mi woo, woof woof, be good little sheep, open the door, Niuniu wants to come in.Open bigger, Niuniu likes to open bigger.Look and look and look and look and look and look for papa, papa is here.Hey, hello, Niuniu calls Dad, and Niuniu writes to Dad.It's amazing!Niu Niu cries, Dad hurts, Dad loves Niu Niu.Good father think of a way, think quickly!Go to waiwai, don't go to waiwai, Niuniu doesn't go to waiwai!If Niuniu doesn't go, she just won't go!Dad hugs little girl!hold on tight!Good girl, don't be afraid, Dad is holding her, no one can take it away.It can't be taken away, and no one can fucking take it away!I can't take it away, I'm dead, I can't take it away, I'm dead, I'm dead, Niuniu is dead, my father is dead, a big corpse hugs a small corpse, the white brig is floating, floating.Dad and Niuniu are together, no one can fucking take it away, can't take it away... Four I put on the famous pair of red dancing shoes and danced non-stop from morning to night with Niuniu in my arms.Niuniu likes it.This is her last happy hour.This is all I can give her. Accompanied by the music of the Western March, I walked with a fast and powerful pace.Niuniu sat on my raised arms, quietly enjoying the music and the rhythm of her body.After a while, she lay down with her face on my arm. "Lie down on the doll," she demanded.I gave her the doll, and she said: "Niu Niu's doll." Touching the doll's legs, she said, "The doll's tail." The look of being at ease. Change to a plate of Western classical music.Recently, Niu Niu likes listening to music more than listening to songs.She listened attentively and was very engaged.There is a section of brilliance, she laughs every time she hears it, and says repeatedly: "It's so nice." Yu'er said, making a leap.However, no matter how engrossed she is listening to the music, she will never let go of the sound of car horns in the distance, and she will say to herself: "Car." Tired from dancing, I hugged her and sat down to play the piano, and played "Looking for Friends".She clicked "Little Witty" again, I don't know how to play it.She said: "I don't listen to playing the piano anymore." I asked: "Dad can't play well, can you?" Well, listen to the music again.Suddenly shouted: "Knock!" But don't cry, just shout.I often cough and complain about "hiccups", presumably because my throat is uncomfortable.I saw that the tumor in her mouth had covered more than half of her throat opening.She was panting in my arms.Gradually fell asleep, eating small hands, blocking the already narrow passage, breathing became more difficult, with a heavy fricative sound.She seemed to have fallen asleep, and was about to put her on the bed, she closed her eyes and shouted dissatisfiedly: "Hurry up and change the music!" Sure enough, the music has come to an end... When I woke up, Niu Niu's delicate voice came from the room over there: "The puppy is called Wang Wang..." I entered the room and saw her playing with her mother.Yu'er was sitting on the carpet, and she stood in front of Yu'er, very lively.After a while, I bent down, touched Yu'er's feet and slippers, and said, "Shoes, Yaya." After a while, I crossed my legs back, stepped onto the small chair, and finally stepped on it.Yu'er teased her: "Ah, what are you doing!" She also playfully drew out "Ah". I approached her, she grabbed my hair and said: "Hair." Yu'er asked: "Whose's?" The answer: "Niuniu's——Mom's." She grabbed my glasses.Yu'er asked again: "Whose mirror?" She still answered: "Niuniu's." Yu'er said: "Think about it again." She replied: "I know Dad wears mirrors." Then she put her arms around me and said: "No Mirror case, daddy.” Every time she snatched away her glasses, I would replace them with a mirror case, but she didn’t want to change them, so I preemptively said no mirror case. I picked her up and she leaned back on purpose.I said, "Good guy!" and she imitated me and said, "Bad guy!" and laughed. Putting it on the bed, she jumped up and down.The bed board didn't make any noise, so I said, "What's the matter?" She then yelled, "What's the matter! What's the matter!" When she moved to a place, the bed board rang, and she jumped more and more happily, admiring the vibration of the bed board.Ah Zhen came in and asked her: "Niu Niu, what's the noise?" Answer: "Little belly ringing." "Play!" she ordered.He gave her a toy bear with a toy watch around his neck. She touched it and said, "The bear wears a watch." There was a smile in her eyes.Smartly ringing the handbell, she said to herself: "Niuniu rings the bell." Holding the toy rabbit, she said, "Daddy loves little Niuniu, and Niuniu loves little rabbit." Niuniu finally fell asleep.Now it is becoming more and more difficult for her to fall asleep, and she can only sleep for a short while after taking sedatives. She often wakes up crying suddenly, shouting "knocking". Yu'er turned on the flashlight and showed me her nose and mouth.The maxillary tumor is growing day by day, almost filling up the mouth.The right nostril was blocked by a tumor, leaving only a small hole.The upper lip was cracked and oozing with blood from straining to breathe through the mouth. The little baby can bear it, other children may be crying.Tonight, she was playing with her parents, still so happy and smiling so sweetly.I coaxed her to sleep, she teased me on purpose, suddenly said "ah" and smiled slyly.Immediately the pain broke out, and I kept yelling "knocking".I said: "It's okay, just dance." She then said: "Knock, dance." I danced to the music, she laughed, laughed out loud, and immediately turned into crying, shouting "Knock!" caught".I quickly praised her, saying that she is obedient, kind, and cute, and my father liked it very much. After she praised her, she gradually calmed down and said to herself: "Sleep with little hands." I carried her to the corridor until she fell asleep . I went out for half a day to get medicine from the hospital.Niuniu kept calling at home: "Look for daddy, take Niuniu to look for daddy!" Sometimes she said to herself: "Look for daddy, but daddy isn't there, he's not here." When I got home, she heard the noise and shouted again: "Take Niuniu to look for daddy! "I quietly entered the room without making a sound. She crawled over from the other side of the bed, touched me, and turned around and threw herself on me. "Daddy loves Niuniu, daddy loves Niuniu and cries!" This was the first sentence she blurted out. As soon as I picked her up, she was so happy, her eyes were shining, she was smiling, she straightened her body proudly in my arms, and looked around.I said again and again, baby, it's really Daddy's little baby.She turned her face to mine, stared blindly at my face, and said clearly: "Little heart." Added: "Daddy's heart." Then she laughed out loud. "The flesh of the heart" is a word I only heard yesterday.At that time, she had just woken up, she was depressed, and repeatedly cried and complained that she was knocked down, and she had a lot of nasal discharge.I hugged her to dance, she gradually calmed down, and said softly from time to time: "Jump." Seeing that she is so obedient and patient, I couldn't help but say a lot of words of praise for her.She was lying in my arms, "looking" at me, listening quietly.I said, Niu Niu is really my father's little girl, little jiaojiao, little baby, little heart, heart, and lifeblood.She raised her voice, and only repeated one word: "heart and heart." This new word caught her attention, and she really remembered it. "Be coquettish, Niuniu is coquettish." She told me. I asked Yu'er, "Where is Ah Zhen?" Yu'er replied, "Watching TV." Niuniu immediately said, "Niuniu also watches TV." , It’s so nice.” Singing along: “Jump, dance.” He talked a lot, and kept laughing out loud, so happy, because he found his father! In the middle of the night, the whole building fell asleep.In the middle of the building, the eighteen-story staircase spiraled up silently in the dark.Holding Niuniu in my arms, panting, I climbed up the steps, then quickly ran down, and then climbed up... Yu'er took her with her at night, and she woke up crying.She was in pain, terribly.Her little hands clung to her mother's shoulders, crying so hard that she couldn't breathe.The tumor in her mouth was the size of a pigeon egg, and she could hardly close her mouth.Due to crying and struggling, a lot of blood flowed from the chapped lips, and a row of neat small teeth were soaked in blood. She heard my voice, and cried to herself, "Dad is here." In my arms, she gradually stopped crying.She was really tired from crying.I carried her into the corridor. "Down, down!" she kept yelling in my arms. She was about to enter a long sleep without awakening, and before she fell into a long sleep, she had to go through these long sleepless nights in great pain.When I ran down the stairs with her in my arms, maybe there was a feeling of lightness that diverted and eased her pain.Descending, descending, descending, wishing the staircase would never end, but it stopped suddenly at the bottom.I immediately hugged her and climbed up again... One, two, three... ten girls!Niuniu is awesome!Niuniu is smart!But Niuniu no longer has the energy to count, and I don't count, just keep climbing up and running down, in the middle of the night, on the dark eighteenth floor of the stairs, like a piece of cough in a long windpipe Bloody sputum came out. "Go outside," she demanded. It was cold outside, so I stopped at the gate on the ground floor and coaxed her: "It's already outside." She knew no, and repeated, "Go outside." I had to actually carry her outside, but it was so cold outside that I immediately went back into the building. "Go back to waiwai, go back to waiwai!" she called angrily.She is not afraid of cold, cold can relieve pain.I obey.Leaning on my shoulder, she said without raising her head, "This is Wai Wai, Wai Wai is good, Wai Wai is really good." got windy.She raised her head and said: "The wind, the wind is strong, it's really strong." I asked: "How about going home?" She agreed: "Go home and listen to music." She lay limp in my arms, blinking her eyes, listening to the music quietly.After a while, she said softly: "Singing, Niu Niu loves to sing." After a while, she sighed softly: "It's so nice." He sighed three times in a row. One side of the recording was almost finished, and she said: "The music is gone, I know it's gone." There was a sense of pride.Yu'er turned around.She said, "It's ringing again." I didn't understand, but she was really anxious, and she kept talking.Yu'er heard it clearly, and repeated it to me, and she was satisfied.She is so eager to communicate, every time we can't understand her words, she is very anxious and repeats, until we understand, repeat, or respond, she relaxes. While listening to the music, she was struck by severe pain again, and she cried out, "I'm knocking! I'm knocking my head!" I walked back and forth quickly, coaxing her in every possible way, but she couldn't stop her crying.However, despite the pain, she still pays attention to the music and various sounds from the outside world, and keeps reacting.While crying and shouting, she will stop suddenly, predict the next program, prompt a certain line of lyrics, or tell you: "the car is ringing", "the door is ringing"... Really, there are too many car horns on the street, and the sound of doors opening and closing comes from the corridor, and it is dawn.We spent another miserable sleepless night with Niuniu. Fives "We have to find a way." I said to Yu'er. "I've thought about it, it's better not to give her radiotherapy." A few days ago, we took Niuniu to Beijing Hospital to inquire about the possibility of another radiotherapy and chemotherapy.The doctor believed that radiotherapy only played a role in local control, chemotherapy was too painful, and the survival period would not be long, so they urged us to give up.But I didn't give up completely.Maybe one day, when we look back, we will say that when Niu Niu’s cancer spread, we were all hopeless. I didn’t expect her to survive radiotherapy and chemotherapy and live to this day... However, even I think this fantasy is too bizarre and embarrassing Say it. "She's still so cute," I said. "Cute is cute, but you can't lose sight of the overall situation. I know you want to stay with her for a few more days. Think about it, whether there are these few days or not, it will look the same afterwards." "I wanted to ease the pain in front of her eyes." "This test cannot be avoided. It has been eased now, but it will be severe in the future. We have to face this test sooner or later." After a pause, she said softly, "Let her go to heaven as soon as possible." "You've become a philosopher, I'm just a poet." "Sometimes you're a philosopher, and we're—citizens, not poets." The tone was very calm, but I saw tears welling up in her eyes. My girl, a very nice woman. After a long silence, I said with difficulty: "She will suffer more and more in the future. We have to delay without any treatment, and let her go to that world with the most tragic memories." Yu'er cried aloud: "Making a decision is the most difficult, everything is irreversible..." "We must hold on and move forward." She nodded. The music was gone, and Dad tried to find a way.Dad does it, it's done.It was getting dark and raining, and Dad tried to find a way.Niuniu knocked, Dad tried to find a way.Good father, hurry up and think of a way.Niu Niu believes that since her father said "find a way", he will definitely find a way.She remembered the word in excruciating pain, held on to it, repeated it many times.The word gave her hope. Dad is trying to figure it out.Pa said to Mama, "We've got to find a way." The way is there, it's there, and everyone knows it.This is the only way Niuniu can get rid of the pain.This solution will keep her from being knocked on again, and there will be no more music at the same time.How did Niuniu know that there is such a so-called method in the world, her good father would come up with such a method. six Niu Niu stood on the bed, her hands pressed against the wall, she held her breath and closed her eyes, motionless.No matter who called her, she ignored it, and she refused to let anyone hug her. After a while, she lay down by herself, still not letting anyone touch her and move her, as if she was trying hard. "Niuniu, are you going to tease Smelly?" Yu'er asked. She remained silent.Yu'er wanted to serve her Kasailu, but she cried and refused.Three days ago, Yu'er gave her Kayserol, and with great difficulty picked out a bloody feces from her anus.She didn't want to suffer this again, so she tried her best, and finally pulled out a piece of hard shit with her own strength. These days, due to oral lesions, swallowing difficulties, she only eats milk, yogurt and red bean paste, resulting in dry stool and difficulty in defecation.In fact, she still has an appetite.Once, when we were having dinner, she heard the sound of bowls and chopsticks and smelled the aroma of vegetables, so she said, "Eat lentils, Niuniu also wants to eat lentils." Yu'er hurriedly chopped the lentils and mixed them into the paste to feed her, but she took a bite no more.Her diseased throat could no longer accept even chopped vegetables. However, Niu Niu wants to eat, everything. "Eat melon seeds." She demanded.In the past, grandpa often peeled melon seeds for her to eat. She loved it very much, and she remembered it again when she was sick.Dry and hard melon seeds, how can her throat bear it?I had no choice but to put the melon seeds in my mouth, chew them into mince, and then feed her.I didn't expect her to love food so much, she kept saying, "I still eat it, I still eat it." I had an idea, and I chewed vegetables, bamboo shoots, and lean meat into minced meat and fed it to her, and she loved it too.We have always paid attention to her food hygiene, but what is there to be taboo now, her life is too short to catch any diseases from me. "Still eating, still eating, still eating..." I took up the task of feeding Niuniu, and was intoxicated by her rhythmic calls, which proved that she still loved all the enjoyments in the world.She should have had many enjoyments in this world, but it was too late. My method worked quickly.In the evening two days later, she was sitting on my lap, and I fed her breast milk as usual, eating a lot of mushrooms. "No more." She said, then closed her eyes and tried hard, and I couldn't help but hold my breath to cooperate.She had a hard time pulling, she must have felt pain, and cried from time to time: "Pull-no-pull-pull-no-pull!" At last she succeeded, and she came out with a lot of shit that was hard at first and then soft. Niuniu woke up and was talking to Yu'er: "Hot grandma for Niuniu to eat." I sat in the study and listened to her delicate voice.At times like this, my heart always hurts badly, and I clearly feel that this beloved little life is moving away from me. Soon, the lovely children's language will no longer be heard in that room. Someone opened the door of the apartment.I heard Niuniu say: "Open the door." Then came Yu'er's singing: "Little Yang, be good, open the door." Then it was Niuniu's voice: "Hurry up and let mom come in." I have quietly stood at the door of their house.Niuniu is playing with a small ball and a small round box.She stuffed the ball into the round box, covered the open side of the round box with her hand, shook it, and enjoyed the sound of the ball rolling.When the ball rolled down, Yu'er let out an "ah", and Niuniu immediately said, "Zhenzhen did it!" Yu'er asked, "Did Niuniu do it?" She replied, "No." After thinking about it, she added : "Mom did it!" Ah Zhen entered the room and picked her up.She said, "Go to Dad." Then she added: "Look what Dad is doing." I smiled, and responded, "What is Dad doing looking at Niu Niu." I carried her to the piano room and stumbled on the corridor. for a moment.She scolded: "Damn it!" She told me: "Cursed." I asked: "Who scolded?" Answer: "Niuniu scolded." Ask: "What should I do?" Answer: "Slap me. I slapped her butt three times, but she was not satisfied and said, "I still slapped her." Sitting down in front of the piano, I played two old tunes.She clicked "Little Smart" again, immediately remembered, and said, "Dad can't play." I asked, "Is Dad stupid?" The answer: "Stupid, very stupid." She was sitting in my arms, and her right eye was huge, indicating that the tumor in the eye had resurfaced.The lesion was expanding in all directions like a bamboo shoot, and a hard bulge appeared on the back of the skull and above the right eye.The lesions in the nasopharyngeal cavity made her runny nose constantly. Because of the pain, she refused to wipe her face, and a thick scab formed under her nose.She must be suffering, but she still sits obediently in my arms and cheers up to play with me.Such a good girl, it's all my fault that I didn't make up my mind to treat her earlier, which made her fall to where she is today. "Yes, Dad is very stupid." I said with tears. In the middle of the night, Niuniu kept waking up crying, and said mournfully in Ah Zhen's arms, "Look for Dad." Her crying really touched my heart, whether I was asleep or awake, I always heard it.She gradually fell asleep in my arms, and said something in her sleep: "Daddy hurts Niuniu and cries." After a while, she suddenly said sadly: "The music is gone!" I hurriedly turned on the stereo, and she immediately fell asleep again.Just can't let go, as long as I have the intention to let go, she will hold me hard. Woke up again, and said: "Eat bean paste." I wanted her to continue to sleep, but I ignored her, so she persistently repeated it, with a calm tone and a firm attitude, and said it more than ten times.Had to feed her.She was really hungry, and she kept saying, "I still eat, I still eat." She ate a lot.After choking, I said, "Have you choked?" After a while, she said to herself, "I choked again." After eating the red bean paste, she said: "Listen to music and walk gently." Recently, she often said the word "gently".What she meant was to save me from dancing, as long as I carried her around, there was a thoughtfulness in her words. Ah Zhen wanted me to rest and hug her.She held me firmly and shouted: "Zhenzhen doesn't hug Niuniu, Dad does." Ah Zhen coaxed her and said to take her to see the tabby cat.She opened her eyes, thought for a while, and screamed.Ah Zhen took advantage of the situation and hugged her, and led her to the corridor, she was still whining along the way. Still not working, she cried endlessly in A-Zhen's arms.I got up and hugged her again.She was itchy and kept scratching her right ear, right cheek and head.Itching all over the body is one of the symptoms of advanced cancer.Poor Niuniu, I hardly dare to look into her mouth, the grayish-yellow bumpy tumor is getting bigger and bigger, corrupting the root of the tooth, and the original white teeth are deteriorating and turning black.Her vocal cords may also have been affected, and her speaking and crying were hoarse, and the volume was significantly weakened.However, despite this, she gradually stopped crying and calmed down in my arms. She told me: "Niu Niu is feeling bad." I said with tears in my eyes, "Daddy knows." She followed up and said, "Daddy knows." It was obviously reassuring, as if Dad knew, there was hope that her pain would be relieved.I hugged her and walked in the corridor, she seemed to be asleep, and suddenly said: "Hey, hello." I ignored her, she kept feeding, so I had to talk: "Who is it?" Answer: "It's Niuniu, here Dad is calling." Ask: "What are you doing?" Answer: "Go home and listen to music." Well, let's have a plate of excitement.我放她近来爱听的那盘探戈曲，她说：“好听，真好听。”边听边说出她的理解，不时告诉我：青蛙叫，猫叫，炮响了，打雷了，下雨了，狗叫，鸟叫，铃铛，鼓掌……我惊讶她形容之贴切，我自己是想不出来的。