Chapter 11 Chapter 10 Purple Mark

one I took Niuniu to the hospital for a CT scan.The scanning room is a crude concrete platform with a well in the center.A masked nun in black put Niuniu into an iron bucket, then hoisted her down the well and placed her in a sealed device.According to the program, Niuniu will be sent to another exit along with this device by the conveyor belt.I hurried to that exit, and a wretched little old man guarded me not to let me in, and I didn't see Niu Niu coming out.It suddenly occurred to me that the sealing device had to undergo cold and heat treatment during the transmission process, and Niuniu would definitely die.Knowing that I had been deceived, I was so anxious that I ran back to the platform and jumped down the wellhead.

At this time, I found that I was in a morgue, and Niuniu was already dead, lying on the corpse bed.She looked exactly like before her life, her eyes were big and black, and her small hands were stretched forward, but they were already stiff, like a taxidermy.Yu'er was wearing the green duck down jacket she usually wears, and was pawing over Niuniu's body, holding her stiff little hands, crying sadly.When she saw me walking in, she suddenly laughed loudly, grabbed an iron bucket beside her and threw it at me. I recognized it as the iron bucket that hung Niuniu down the well.I also laughed and threw the bucket back.We both laughed wildly and shook each other.A group of watching children quickly gathered around, and I found that Niu Niu was among them, standing in the forefront of the group of children, within my reach, a piece of skin was missing on her forehead, dripping with blood.I picked her up and ran away.I knew that if she didn't escape in time, she would become one with the girl on the corpse bed and die together.At the same time, I was thinking about Niu Niu on the corpse bed, because once the body rots, Niu Niu in my arms will also die.I just ran a few steps like this, and then went back to look at the corpse, going back and forth endlessly.The corpse inevitably rotted, and Yu'er and I wept together.

When I woke up, my pillow was soaked with tears.Niuniu, niuniu, it really killed me. Yu'er never asks about world affairs, but these days she is enthusiastically concerned about whether the Gulf War will break out, and this worry is mixed with her concern for Niu Niu, and she falls into a dream—— We were traveling in Iraq, and there was a war, and the planes bombed and the tourists fled.After the air raid, I found out that I had separated from you and Niuniu.I was so anxious that I looked for you everywhere, and saw a notice on the side of the road, with the portraits of you and Niuniu drawn, with crosses on the portraits.This shows that you have been arrested and sentenced to death.I took off the notice and continued to run. When I saw people, I would show the portraits on the notice and inquire about your whereabouts.A man who looked like a soldier saw the notice and pointed it casually. I looked in this direction and saw a military truck driving. You and Niu Niu were standing side by side in the truck, and you were being escorted to the execution ground for execution.I am desperately chasing after you, with all my heart to catch up with you, and die together with you.

"I'm really in a hurry, I'm afraid I won't be able to catch up with you." "Have you caught up?" "When I was about to catch up, I woke up from the dream. At that time, I really felt a sense of relief. I thought that the whole family was finally together, and it was over." The dirty and lame little old man was playing with a handful of snakes, and a snake slipped out of his hand and was crawling towards Niu Niu.I hurriedly picked up Niuniu, not seeing clearly whether the snake bit her.Back home, her little face gradually turned green and transparent.I put my mouth on her little mouth to suck the venom, and felt that I was dying with Niuniu...

Open your eyes, the sky is already bright.Niu Niu's short cry came from the room over there, mixed with Yu'er's sigh.I jumped up and pushed open the door over there, only to find that Niuniu was soundly asleep.Yu'er was lying beside Niuniu, with her eyes wide open, looking at me questioningly. I pushed open the door again, the room was dark, there was no one, only Niuniu.She woke up for about a while, lying on the bed with her head up, crying.I rushed over and took her in my arms. Niuniu's crying really touched my internal organs, because she didn't cry easily, and because her life was too bitter.

It's New Year's Eve, and countless families gather happily in front of the TV and are bored.I sat alone in the dark room with Niuniu in my arms.Her little hands were tightly around my neck, and her little head was clinging to my shoulder, as if she was not asleep.I held her in my arms and seemed to be asleep.In this twilight, I suddenly feel very clearly that the years are passing by quickly, taking away Niuniu and myself, and my life has come to an end in the blink of an eye.My own cry woke me up: what a deception life is! The bell of the new year is ringing. two Once, once, again... I clearly felt the heavy blows falling on my head and face one after another, but I couldn't tell whether it was a stick or a fist, as if there were both.Oddly it doesn't hurt.Every time I hit, I felt the inside of my head turned upside down, as if a floodgate had been opened, and blood gushed out from my mouth and nostrils.In a trance, I also felt that a kind of iron was inserted into my mouth, and I instinctively reached out to grab it. It was a thick curved iron bar, the kind that is common on construction sites.One front tooth had been pried off, and the other had been pried off, hanging precariously on the gums.Still fighting, blood still gushing.

Today is over. I was sober, and I didn't have much fear or sorrow in my heart. The main feeling was that I was useless, and I was too useless. One spring night, I collapsed for no reason on a remote street in a strange city.Behind is a broken wall. Behind the broken wall is the former ancient capital and today's dirty market.Thousands of miles away, there is my little home that is being devastated, my daughter who is alive but will soon die, and my wife who knows it is futile but still concentrates on raising her daughter. I fell on the soil slope at the foot of the wall, the ground was damp.There were three murderers in total, surrounding me.The light was dim, and I could only see the face of one of them clearly.They are all young, like farmers in the suburbs.The face exposed in the dim light kept swearing in Shaanxi dialect.Their beating and yelling seemed far away from me. At this moment, I knew that I was an orphan, abandoned by the world.I flashed Lawrence's woman on horseback who was sacrificed alive by black people, and Kundera's French mathematician killed by Cambodian thugs.A civilized man, alone in the hands of savages, is left at the mercy of no language or law, and even fear and anger are too extravagant passions.Of course, I thought of Yu'er and Niuniu with some regrets, thinking that after I died, Niuniu would lose her father's love in the few remaining days of her life. This father's love is very precious to her, and Yu'er will be alone. It was too heavy a burden for her to bear the final suffering of Niuniu's death.However, don't worry about things you can't manage.When the real death is imminent, people are very calm, so calm that there is no romantic feeling.To die is to die, what a simple thing to die, death simplifies everything, the end is the same anyway.

However, the bandits finally stopped.They started searching.The harvest is really not big: a Seiko watch, more than 100 yuan.A pack of Hongmei brand cigarettes was found in my trouser pocket. "You only smoke red plums?" a thug asked disdainfully. "Poor scholar." "We can completely cut you up. Seeing that you are a poor scholar, we will spare you." "You guys have a bit of a conscience." I don't know if it was acting, or if I really felt compassion, the guy squatting on my left reproached: "Why did you beat him like this?" Then he asked me to wipe off the blood on my face. I didn't bring a handkerchief, and he Ask the guy on the right with his face exposed to the light to give me his handkerchief.

"Sit here and don't move, and leave in thirty minutes." They hopped into a taxi and left. In fact, I don't want to get up right away without their threats.Only myself, deserted streets, dark corners, I sit in a pool of my own blood.The wet mud is cool and comfortable.Sit for a while, sit for a while.Once I got drunk and lay down on the street, and I also experienced this kind of cold pleasure.At that moment, my mind was as clear as a mirror, and I saw clearly the meaninglessness of the hurried footsteps of the pedestrians around me.When a man falls, he acquires a new vision.

It has been a whole year since Niuniu was born, and I have not been separated from her for a single day.This time there was a convenient opportunity to go to Xi'an, Yu'er urged me to come out to relax, and agreed to fly back and forth, and the journey would take three days, so I came here ruthlessly.I didn't expect that the catastrophe was over, and I encountered this small misfortune again.Little misfortune really.When people are extremely unlucky, they don't bother to care about fate. After dialing the long line in Beijing, it was Yu'er's voice on the other end.Hearing her voice, I immediately felt that I was not an orphan anymore.When she heard that my two front teeth had been knocked out, she let out a scream, and then couldn't help laughing again.She said she couldn't imagine what it would be like to have no front teeth.She also asked Niuniu to listen to my voice on the phone, and Niuniu cheered "Dad" repeatedly when she heard it.

Flying back to Beijing, Yuer picked me up at the airport.On the car ride home, she was full of warmth and spring breeze, and she kept turning her head to look at me with a curious expression.It seemed to her that the whole thing was a comedy.She told me that A-Zhen commented after hearing the news: "Big brother only has these two beautiful front teeth, and it's a pity that they were knocked out." The reactions of the women made me feel happy. Got home.Niuniu and my kiss, she threw herself into my arms, hugged my neck tightly, laughed endlessly, and yelled at my father endlessly. three After Niuniu's death, Yu'er often talked about that Li Qigong master, repeatedly saying that he was a good person.Li is indeed a good person. He had met me once. When he heard about Niuniu’s illness, he asked someone to tell me that if I really wanted to save my daughter, I should go to him sincerely.When we heard the news, we immediately went to the door with Niuniu in our arms. Master Li Qigong is middle-aged, with a kind face.He met Niu Niu and liked him very much. He repeatedly said that Niu Niu was destined to be with him, and with his eyes, he saw that Niu Niu was a virgin who came down to earth from Guanyin. .Immediately, he lit a stick of incense, stood facing the wall in front of the three printed Buddha statues, and muttered words in his mouth.After praying, he sat on a chair with his eyes slightly closed, his thumbs and index fingers bent into two circles and hung on his chest. "I saw the root of the disease, which was on the upper left side of the left eye. However, I also saw the cure. I could use magic to "tune" out the cancer cells and burn them to death. I clearly heard a voice from outside the three-dimensional world. Tell me: no problem." He opened his eyes and said calmly. "Great, Niuniu is saved!" Yu'er shouted excitedly. There was another qigong master present, a young companion of Li's. He looked into Niu Niu's pupils for a long time, and then made a startling statement: "Is that a tumor? No, it's her karma, coming out of her eyes. She She made a mistake by Guanyin's side and was punished to the lower realm. This is her karma. I think her eyes are different, she can see things that ordinary people don't see, and she must have supernatural powers in the future." On the way home, Yu'er was in a good mood and said to me with a smile: "Niu Niu is really extraordinary. She took Mom and Dad to travel in wonderlands and enter the four-dimensional space." Master Li Qigong came to treat Niuniu.He chanted mantras, burned incense, and prayed silently to a porcelain statue of Guanyin, and then performed spells while amplifying the recording of the sad mantra.When performing the spell, he asked me, Yu'er, and Yu'er's mother to sit quietly with their eyes closed. When it was over, he asked us, "What did you see?" Yu'er said that she saw Niu Niu smiling while slowly pulling something out of her eyes. Yu'er's mother said that she saw four images successively: yellow pupils; many black dots; white rectangles; and finally water and sky in one color. I don't see anything. "I know you didn't see anything." Li said, "Both of them have light on their heads. You have no light on your head, and your celestial eyes are not open." He talked about what he saw with his third eye: "Niu Niu's illness is unusual, and it is related to a karma. Her left eye is filled with black smoke, and there is a small golden snake coiled in it. Just now I wanted to turn the little snake into a When I came out to be burned to death, I immediately felt a sharp pain in my left eye. I didn’t know well, this little snake is very important, and it must be burnt to death. So, I invited it to the East China Sea and let it live. Auntie saw it Yes, I saw the development process of Niuniu’s disease. The white rectangle is Guanyin, and with Guanyin’s blessing, Niuniu will definitely recover. The last thing I saw was the sea with the same color of water and sky.” Then, he spread out his left hand, pointed his palm at the top of Niu Niu's head, and performed exercises for her.Niuniu was very disturbed when she performed the exercises.After finishing the work, she became quiet. Yu'er found that her little face was extremely smooth, which was never seen before, and exclaimed in surprise: "It looks like a little virgin!" However, I am indeed a person in the secular world, and I have completely different feelings.At night, the lights in the house were turned off, only the faint light coming in from the window, vaguely bright.The tape recorder plays Namo Amitabha mantra.Standing in front of the porcelain statue of Avalokitesvara in my arms holding Niu Niu, who had already fallen asleep, I suddenly felt desolately how weak and helpless my little daughter and I were in the face of the mysterious power that ruled our destiny. The Sichuan native was specially invited by the Qigong Association to come to Beijing. It is said that his gong power is extremely high. Three days ago, he gave a demonstration to 600 businessmen and crushed a patient's calculus on the spot.Surrounded by a group of admirers, he walked up to Niuniu and glanced at it, and immediately said, "Left eye, a round tumor." After that, he bent his thumb and index finger and made a gesture. I whispered to him that the circle was the shape of the pupil, not the shape of the tumor on the retina.He curled his lips, showing displeasure. Then, with a bowl of water in his left hand, he dipped his right hand in the water and swiped and swung in the air.After a while, he looked at Niu Niu again and said triumphantly, "Look, she's smaller, much smaller! It's still destined!" Yu'er timidly asked: "Do you think there is hope?" He yelled: "It's obviously much better, but you still say there is hope!" There lived an old Chinese doctor in a private courtyard in the south of Beijing, who was famous for treating cancer.As soon as he entered the door, he saw pennants and plaques all over the wall, all of which were presented by cancer patients he cured.There is a patient register on the table, and when you open it, most of them are overseas Chinese who come here for their reputation, which shows that they are well-known. The old Chinese doctor is a kind old man. When he met Niu Niu, he couldn’t stop praising her for being cute, and then said: “Blastoma, right? I prescribed a prescription, and after taking a few of my medicines, the tumor gradually shrank. gone." Then he told an astonishing fact in a homely tone: two years ago he cured a patient with this disease! "Children with this disease are very smart," the old Chinese doctor continued. "The child is only two years old and can recognize hundreds of characters. After he was cured, he often came to my house to play and took all my raisins. eat." "Is our child serious?" Yu'er asked worriedly. "What's serious? That child is more serious. Both eyes are cat's eyes, and the tumor covers half of it." "Where is that kid now?" I asked. "His family is from out of town, so he went back." From chatting, I learned that the old Chinese medicine doctor studied Western medicine at a famous university in his early years, and then studied under a certain medical Chinese medicine doctor after graduation. "Chinese medicine theory is nonsense, and Chinese herbal medicine is a good thing." He summed up his experience in this way. This man seems to have a lot of knowledge in his chest, and he has a good conversation.Regarding Niu Niu's illness, he at least said something he knew how to do.For the first time in many days, Yu'er had a smile on her face. Niuniu's condition is stable, Yu'er called Qigong Master Li to announce the good news.Li said that he already knew that when he performed the magic spell at his home, he saw that Niu Niu was completely transparent, and the black smoke in her left eye had disappeared and shrunk into a small black spot, indicating that her illness was improving.He also said that he had covered Niuniu's body with lotus flowers. A teacher at a certain university in Beijing, praised by the news media as a miraculous doctor, opened a qigong clinic in the suburbs of Beijing.He visited Niu Niu, the first judgment: "There is a disease in the right eye." The second judgment: "There is also a problem with intelligence." The third judgment: "There are problems with the nervous system and cardiovascular system." Then he announced that the disease It must be cured by him, and others must not be able to cure it. However, Niuniu obviously has a disease in her left eye, and it is obviously more serious than her right eye. I have full confidence in Niuniu's intelligence. Niuniu's condition suddenly deteriorated and she became completely blind in her left eye. Master Li Qigong said: "Don't worry, this is the qigong that released the sickness, which proves that the sickness is getting better. I used my third eye to see the situation after a year, and I saw her sticking two small brush handles and kowtowing to Guanyin. .She'll be fine." The old Chinese doctor pondered for a while: "The weather is too hot, don't take Chinese medicine for now, wait until the weather cools down." Various miraculous stories of qigong and traditional Chinese medicine curing terminal illnesses are still coming out, which are elusive, and miracles will always be elsewhere. Yu'er finally lost her confidence, and cursed: "Fuck, Chairman Mao is right, idealism saves the most effort." Four Niu Niu slept on the small bed and never woke up.The small bed is next to the big bed, and the quilt and pillows are used to block it.There was no one in the house for a little while.When I entered the room again, I found that she had woken up, climbed over the barrier by herself, and climbed onto the big bed, crying on the quilt.I quickly picked her up. She cuddled softly against me, with her arms around my neck, tears streaming from her sick eyes.I said to her, "Dad is distressed." She raised her head and responded, "It hurts." Then she moved her face closer to mine, clearly "looking" at me.Due to the close proximity, her small face seemed to widen, her facial features were extremely clear, and there was an expression between her brows that was both focused and bewildered.She "looked" for a while, then called out, "Dad." "Niuniu, have you seen Dad?" A barely noticeable smile crosses her face, but she drops her head again and leans on my shoulder. She is sick again.The next day, she closed her eyes all day long, didn't eat or drink, and clung to the adults' shoulders, sobbing endlessly.Sometimes my whole body twitches from crying, changing positions back and forth, but I can't get rid of the pain.While crying, a few words she had learned occasionally came out: "fa", "water", "xin", "fan"... more often she called her own name, "Niu Niu Niu" in a row. "Niuniu hurts, doesn't it? Mom has never been in such pain..." I heard Yuer say to her. On Children's Day, the streets are very lively. Parents dress up their children beautifully and take them out.I cycled through downtown to the hospital to get my daughter's medicine.While other kids were enjoying the holiday season, my daughter was lying in a hospital bed suffering from cancer.And what kind of medicine did I take? It was nothing more than painkillers and anti-inflammatory drugs, which couldn't even really relieve the pain in front of her. Of course I understand that the suffering of any one person in the world does not detract in the slightest from the total amount of joy in the world.Even if the emperor dies and the leader dies, the common people should still be happy.The pain and destruction of a small life is really nothing to this world.However, when I rode back with these few pills for headache and brain fever, I was still full of grievances, as if I had been fooled.The streets are full of smiling faces of adults and children, Niuniu is dying little by little, and I am rushing around with a few useless pills, what is going on in this world. We decided to make up for Niuniu's Children's Day.It was a sunny day, so we took Niu Niu and walked towards the park along the small river.Niuniu was in my arms, resting her face on my shoulder. "Niuniu, what place is this?" She replied without raising her head: "River." After a while, as if she suddenly remembered, she said: "Grass, grass." I folded a blade of grass on the side of the road and handed it to her, and she held it tightly in her hand. In the park, the sunset is infinitely beautiful, and the lake and sky in the west are bright red.Facing this scene, my heart is full of sadness.How can I tell my daughter the story of the colorful nature? Children's playground, all kinds of entertainment facilities, children are playing to their heart's content.Yu'er hugged Niu Niu, sat on a stone bench to rest, and looked around excitedly, with joy shining in her eyes, obviously attracted by the joyful atmosphere.However, after a while, her eyes dimmed. We came to an entertainment facility, which were two concentric gardens, the inner circle was a large basin filled with colorful balls, and the outer circle was an elastic stretched net.The children had so much fun, jumping on the stretch net for a while, jumping high, and then jumping into the big basin and buried deeply in the pile of small balls. Yu'er stared at it obsessively, and her voice sounded in my ears, as if she was talking about a beautiful dream: "Tomorrow, let's make a net like this for Niu Niu and let her jump on it." "Then she should be so happy." I agreed, recalling Niuniu's intoxicated look when her feet jumped side by side. Niu Niu was still holding the blade of grass in her hand, and it was crumpled by her. Before going out, Yu'er put on a little pink velvet hat and a pink cloak for Niuniu.Niuniu opened her almond eyes quietly, accepting our praise with grace.In the car, I gently supported her, and she stood firmly on my lap, turned her head, and looked out the front, rear, left, and right windows, obviously feeling strange about the light and the sounds on the street. How happy we would be if we took Niu Niu to play.It's a pity not, every time I go out, I always run towards the hospital.Every once in a while, we took her to Dr. Hu for a B-ultrasound examination, not to check whether the condition has improved (it is absolutely impossible to improve), but to check how far the condition has progressed.Of course, it is developing. Every time you check, the tumor is bigger than the last time.In fact, if you don’t check, you will know why you came here, and why you need to soberly measure the distance of death. Niuniu was playing with a cardboard card, and the corner of the paper poked her eyelid, she immediately covered her eyes with her little hand, without snorting. "Niuniu is really strong." I said. "A child is in pain if it hurts, and it doesn't hurt if it doesn't hurt. It can't be called strong." Yu'er retorted. "Human nature is different..." I argued with her. Niu Niu was annoyed, and desperately waved her two little hands, screaming and protesting. "Let me tell you, anyway, Niu Niu is fine with everything." After Ah Zhen took Niu Niu away, Yu'er said to me, "But now she can understand us, we have to pay attention to what we say. Do you remember, once We discussed whether to have surgery in front of her, and I said no, and I wouldn’t live long if I did it, and she ignored me for a whole day after that.” "I've also noticed that as soon as she mentions her illness recently, she yells and doesn't let us talk about it." "We make a rule: don't talk about her illness in front of her." "It's a deal." "In the past few days, she has been waking up from her sleep crying, and crying when she wakes up, calling her name." "She seems to have a premonition." "Babies aren't that complicated, are they?" "That may be, how many mysteries are there in the subconscious that we don't know." "Niu Niu is a villain." "Maybe babies are little people, and we adults are the ones who are confused. We think we can fool children, but we are only fooling ourselves." "It's so fun." She said, showing me how Niuniu eats, while agitating her cheeks with relish, while shaking her head leisurely. "She loves to enjoy. She eats custard in the morning, laughs out loud while eating, and sprays me all over. This is like you." "Her usual demeanor looks like you, so much like you, she is so focused on everything. It's so strange, her demeanor can be inherited. She can't see you, so she can't imitate it." "That's what blind people look like." "Are you blind too?" "I am a person who concentrates on everything and does not look aside. I am almost blind." "That's right, it's the same when you love someone. It seems that there is only one person in the whole world." "If I were blind, I would love more single-mindedly. Eyes are a bad guide. You look at Niuniu, touch the folding stool, bend over, and follow the order, the front, corners, edges, back and back of the stool We touched every component of the building over and over again, so carefully, while we touched it, we still muttered words, as if we were naming everything we touched. Can we treat a person and a thing so carefully?" "Put her in a flowered dress and braid her hair today, she looks like a girl." "It's also a girl's temperament. That day when A-Zhen fed her, A-Zhen was sitting while she was standing. Every time she fed her, she would put her face on A-Zhen's lap for a while, whining and pretending to cry, waiting for A-Zhen to touch her little arm , and then raised her face to take another bite. Another time, she and A-Zhen were both sitting on the big bed, why was she angry with A-Zhen, she turned her back to A-Zhen, her eyes drooped, and she remained motionless. A-Zhen begged her, She just doesn't care." "I pat her to sleep, and she always stretches out her little hand to pat me, as if she is coaxing me to sleep." "She is so cute, we still have to think of a way. This time, I thought it was a tumor that pierced the cornea, but luckily it wasn't. It would be terrible. You didn't see the picture in the book, the tumor pierced through the eye More than ten centimeters, hanging like a sausage. We can't let such a disgusting thing happen to Niuniu." "What is the solution?" "I want to give it a try and double the amount of 'Tianxian' capsules, maybe there will be unexpected effects." "No, I'm afraid it will affect her appetite." "You have a double standard. On the one hand, you believe that she must die, but on the other hand, you want her to be healthy." "You think your medicine can save her from death? You are so romantic." "Then try radiotherapy. I asked Dr. Hu, and she said that radiotherapy can shrink the tumor and prevent it from growing outside the eye." "Give Niu Niu radiotherapy, will she recover?" "Okay, don't count on it, and extend your life for a few years at most." "Then shall we still do it?" "I'm afraid of complications." "You should discuss it with the doctor, and if you want to do it, do it as soon as possible." Fives The Department of Radiation Therapy of Beijing Hospital, all cancer patients who come here for treatment are struggling on the verge of death.They were men and women, young and old, and each wore purple ink markings marking areas that needed radiation.Those exposed marks on the skull, cheeks, neck, etc. are particularly eye-catching.A girl in a long pink dress has a shaved head with a big purple square drawn on it.A well-mannered middle-aged man, the purple square frame is drawn in the middle of the bridge of the nose, like a clown's makeup. In the eyes of others, this purple mark is nothing more than a death mark.All of these patients, however, seemed to have grown accustomed to their fate, or their personal grief had been assuaged by the same fate.So, they piled up in small groups in the corridor or in the waiting room, talking to each other about their illnesses, as calmly as talking about the weather and prices. Among these patients, the youngest is Niuniu, who is one year and two months old.On the temples on either side of her eyes are two bold purple squares.Such a tender little life who just came into the world actually joined this death journey, and she could not help but attract sympathetic gazes from her comrades.It would have been much more natural if I had been here with that mark myself. For more than a month, five times a week, we carried Niuniu here to receive radiotherapy.I was deeply humiliated when the doctor first stamped this purple mark on her face.When I got home, I washed her face with my heart, trying to get rid of this mark.But in vain, as soon as it faded a little, the doctor would reprint it for her the next day.This mark is always bright and eye-catching, exposing everything ruthlessly, driving Niuniu out of the world of healthy people like excommunication, no matter where we carry her, people can tell at a glance that she is a terminally ill patient. While drawing marks on Niu Niu's face with ink, the kind director of the radiotherapy department told us that she once saw a sick child on the street with a tumor hanging almost to the ground, and a beggar used him as a begging tool.She took him in for free, and the tumor retracted into the eye after electric shock.However, due to the late treatment, the sick child still died. I noticed that she never said "radiotherapy" in her speech, only said "baking electric therapy", and also said "baking electric therapy is comfortable", and she said it with a very friendly meaning, giving people a warm and harmless feeling, It smells like freshly baked bread. Niu Niu was given a spoonful of fast-acting sleeping potions, and she fell asleep.Still, it took some effort to get her into the desired pose.At the beginning, the director had someone bring in a wooden box, shaped like a small coffin, specially made by the parents of a sick child in the past, and discarded after use.We spread Niu Niu’s quilts in the wooden box. While laying it, I thought that the sick child must have died. The real meaning of this wooden box made for radiotherapy is a small coffin, and Niu Niu will also die, and we are like that sick child. Parents of children must also go through this immediate step, as if performing a rite of passage for death.However, when we tried to put Niu Niu, who had fallen asleep, into this wooden box, she suddenly struggled and resisted, and then burst into tears.We had to give up the wooden box she rejected and put her directly on the radiotherapy table.Niu Niu was too sensitive, and she still moved restlessly in her sleep for a while, but she finally lay down in the required upright position. After the director made arrangements, he shouted in a low voice: "Run!" Everyone followed her and ran away from the scene. Time and time again, only Niuniu was left alone in that empty radiotherapy room.From the fluorescent screen, one can see how isolated and helpless her small body exposed to direct X-rays is, full of desolation.I held my breath and stared at the screen intently, with a heart hanging all the time.When she moved a little, the heart seemed to roll out of her throat.I was afraid that the radiation would miss it, and that her small, uncovered body would fall off the radiotherapy table.The exposure lasted only a few minutes, but it seemed so long to me.As soon as the irradiation was over, I ran back to her and held her tightly in my arms, as if I had experienced parting from life to death. There is a park opposite the Beijing Hospital. During radiotherapy, we often take Niuniu to stay there, sometimes waiting for her to fall asleep before radiotherapy, and sometimes waiting for a car to pick her up after radiotherapy. After the radiotherapy was over that day, we took Niuniu to play in the park again.She probably felt the fragrance of trees, birdsong and fresh air, and gradually became active from the exhaustion of the treatment.In order to make her happy, I hugged her and ran down the stone steps of the hillside.She loved the quick fall that resulted, so happy, giggling, and yelling, "Run, run!" We were playing so happily when I heard a mother explain to her child, "That's a blind man, don't you see that one eye is all white?" My heart was suddenly stabbed.Niuniu in my arms has purple marks painted on her face. Due to radiation damage, her eyelashes have gradually fallen off, her eyes have shrunk significantly, and her appearance has completely changed.I thought of the way she sat on the bed playing with toys these days, sitting upright, her eye sockets sunken, her eyes turned upwards, and her little hands groping for toys one by one, she really looked like a blind person. six At dusk, we came out of the Temple of the Reclining Buddha Hotel where we were staying, walked along the mountain path, and stopped beside a pool of water.This is a small reservoir upstream of Cherry Valley, and there is a small platform on one side of the embankment.A year ago, we brought Niuniu to play, and Yu'er and I went swimming in the water, and Ah Zhen took Niuniu to sit on this small platform. It was not long after the radiotherapy. Niuniu lost weight and her face turned yellow, but her condition was stable and she was in good spirits.This was her first and only time away from home, to spend the night outside.I was worried that she would not adapt to the unfamiliar environment, but it turned out that she was able to eat and sleep smoothly, and nothing happened.She obviously likes the outdoors and is very excited. She kept talking in Yu'er's arms, using superlatives, and her sweet voice echoed in the valley and woods: "It's so comfortable!" "It's delicious!" "It's so good !""great!"…… Yu'er pointed to the small platform and said, "It's really like a dream." There are two people fishing by the platform.I turned around and cast my eyes on the other side of the embankment, where the gully was dark and the shade was dense. On the day after radiotherapy, it was hot summer and the weather was extremely hot.At night, Niu Niu slept on a big bed covered with mats, with a low-temperature medicinal pillow, still sweating profusely.Yu'er sat beside her all night, wiping her sweat and shaking her fan.I kept making ice cubes in the freezer, one by one, and put them in a basin on the side of her head to cool her down.In the summer more than 20 years ago, I saw a young boy running along a long and narrow alley. He was wearing only trousers forks, sweat was dripping on his bare arms, and the wooden sticks under his feet were tapping all the way.When he arrived at the small shop at the entrance of the alley, he hurriedly grabbed the handset of the public phone, and a well-informed classmate of his came from there, reporting to him the news that he had been admitted to the Department of Philosophy, Peking University.I saw this boy running towards me, his young days fell behind him like pieces of dead leaves, and now he was busy sweating in front of me.Suddenly, I suddenly wondered what the relationship between the terminally ill young girl sleeping on the bed and this young man who ran towards me was, and how she could be his daughter.I also don't know who I am or where I am.At this time, Yu'er's worried voice sounded in my ear: "The first time Niuniu got sick was in summer. This summer is so hot, I don't know if she can survive it." These days, Niu Niu always wakes up from her dream in the middle of the night crying, crying sadly: "Hug little Niu Niu! Hug little Niu Niu!" The delicate voice makes people feel desolate in the dark night. She was alone in the room, and I was in the living room, when I heard her cry suddenly and sadly: "Okay, it's gone!" My heart tightened all of a sudden.What, what's missing? She shouted again and again with an anxious expression: "A-NA-XI-DI!" What is the meaning of this mysterious lingo? Why did she burst into tears when she heard the lyrics of "Little World"?I hurriedly changed the tape, but she was still talking about "Little World" to herself, and she lowered her eyes, pursed her mouth, and began to cry.In her little mind, what kind of sad world is the "small world"? One of the tapes she often listens to has a children's song with percussion in the intro.每听到这里，她就不满地抗议：“不敲门！”可是，敲门声依然不止……