Chapter 6 Chapter 5 Desperate Family Love (Notes 2)

1 perfect destruction If there is perfection in the world, it only exists in children.Babies are the work of God, untouched by human hands and uncorrupted by age.And you are a masterpiece among the works of God, combining the advantages of your parents so perfectly.Rather, in you, mom and dad have a perfect combination for the first time. Now, it's not a defect, it's not a fly in the ointment, it's perfection that is completely destroyed at once! Such a beautifully built small palace planted a ticking time bomb during its construction.I clearly know it's there, but no human power can take it out and prevent it from exploding.

In the depths of disaster, I no longer understand parents who regret their children's little flaws.Minor illnesses and minor disasters are simply blessings, and they are human tragedies that have nothing to do with me. 2 The most ridiculous death Death is absurd, and what I saw was the most absurd, unnatural death in the world—the pre-announced, irremediable death of a healthy, beautiful baby. Your dark eyes are so bright, and you love to watch and laugh.However, Death built his nest in it, and from there weaved a gray-yellow poisonous spider web around. Your lips play involuntary smiles in sleep, like ripples on a lake under a new moon.But deadly waves are destined to break their banks and engulf your little lake of life.

Your little body is both fresh and full, exuding a sweet, soft and fresh breath.However, not long after, this small body, which is fresh and intoxicating to the touch and smell, will return to dust. Newborns and Cancer - God, what are you kidding! People in the world frequently say the metaphor of "killing in the cradle". Only the parents who guard the empty cradle know the tragic meaning of this sentence. 3 Dad's Diary From the day you were born, I have kept a diary for you.I plan to give it to you as the best gift when you grow up. However, you will never read it. In a diary, I once wrote: "Dad has you in the middle age. When you grow up, Dad will be old. Thinking that Dad will leave you when you are in full bloom, how can Dad be willing?"

Who would have thought that it is not that one day your father will leave you, but now you will leave your father early. Who would have thought that the first family member I personally sent to die in this life was actually my daughter! However, I still write a diary for you every day, not for you to read in the future, but for you to read now.Whenever I am alone with you and whisper to you, the way you look at me makes me believe that you understand everything.There must be two worlds, one false and one real.Only in this false world in front of us, we will live and die.The real world is eternal, where we are one and never come together.My diary belongs to that world, so you understand every sound before you pronounce it, and you understand every word before you write it down.

4 by the creek At dusk, I hold you in my arms and walk through the market to find a small river.There are fish and flowing water in the creek.There is wind and sunset by the small river, as well as red flowers, green grass and low-flying birds. Pedestrians looked at me in surprise, watching a father walking through the evening market with a small baby in his arms. I once thought, my daughter, when you grow up a little and can walk, I will take you to the small river and show you fish, birds, flowers, and grass.But you won't have that day, so let's go today. At dusk, I hug you and sit by the river.The sun was setting and the evening wind was blowing from the east.I rocked you, told you the story of the little fish and the little bird, and you fell asleep quietly in my arms.

5 life is nowhere else The world is far away from me.I only have eyes for you, my child. Death is already at your side, and shamelessly asks me to hand you over to it.I held you all day, my hands were sore and numb, drenched in sweat, and I refused to let go. In the distance, life goes on as usual.Lovers are kissing and bickering.Merchants were getting rich and broke.Politicians are forming and knocking out cabinets.The hackers were singing and cursing.People from the city flock to the suburbs, shaking off the heat of the city in the shade of the mountains, forests and lakeside.The poor lucky ones lined up outside the embassy overnight waiting for visas.

I heard a voice say to me: put her down, go far away, there is only death around her, life is elsewhere. But, my child, if death around you is real, isn't life elsewhere all false?For me, the only real life right now is nowhere else but beside you, where death and I vie for you and will defeat me in the end.I suffered a crushing defeat, as if I had died once, but I also lived deeply because of it. 6 this one Well-meaning people advised me: Don't be sad, there will be another one in two years, and it will be this one. I know that you were born by chance, and that if it hadn't been for love and conception at that particular moment, there would be no you.I have no more reason to regret that you were never born, any more than I have no reason to regret that every possible child was never born.

However, you have been born.Once a life is born, it is unique and irreplaceable.And I'm not even saying that in a philosophical sense.I am not a spiritual father, and being connected with you is the truest feeling for me.For me, whether I have children in the future is still a relatively minor matter. The most important thing is to have you, and this is what I want.Authentic love is very experiential, presupposing the existence of the object, and it is impossible for me to love something that never existed.So, I don't feel as a void that never existed.However, once it exists and loves, it is completely different.If I lose you, the vacancy you left will always be exposed in the vision of my heart, nothing can fill or cover it, but your existence will continue to be irreplaceable because of the irreparable vacancy.

7 Failure to do so Some people say: Natural disasters and man-made disasters, as long as parents have fulfilled their responsibilities, they should feel at ease. However, when earthquakes, air crashes, and plagues have already occurred, and the bad luck is irreversible, and your relatives are bound to be swallowed up by disasters, how do you fulfill your responsibilities?Since it's fate, don't say anything and do your duty. However, when the victim happens to be your closest relative, and you cannot accept this cruel fact anyway, even if you have done your duty, how can you feel at ease?Since it is love, don't say anything and do your duty.

I am not responsible.Everything I do has nothing to do with fulfilling my responsibilities.I have to bear the blow of fate, and I have to love my daughter, that's all. 8 is not an episode They comforted me and said: After the incident, looking back, this was just an episode. However, I know that whether an event is an episode or a full movement does not depend on the time it occupies.The most memorable experiences in life are often short-lived, and the most soul-stirring events are often of a sudden nature.The mental journey does not obey the rhythm of the passage of time, it sometimes bends, twists and knots.Who can calculate the depth of mental engraving and the length of memory?

Nor do I want to measure the value of a life event by success or failure, deliberately downplaying the importance of an unfortunate experience in order to alleviate the pain.I would rather accept its pain as well as its value, refusing to forget in advance, and never giving up my precious gains. 9 Sense of Destiny Strange street market, I sit on the street, you are in my arms.Pedestrians with different expressions walked past us, busy for their own goals, and had no time to pay attention to us.My face is close to yours, very close, very close.You frown slightly, revealing what looks like confusion and sadness in your eyes.Your immature face is completely exposed in front of my eyes, and it is so immature that I am shocked, so that I hardly have the courage to take you to continue wandering. I have an indescribable sense of destiny when I am alone with you.In the vast universe, how can there be me, how can there be you, how can you be my daughter?All my years have been hidden in the dark, watching with bated breath when I meet you.When my mother was there, I felt more of the joys and sorrows of a family.Facing you alone, I seem to face fate alone, and my heart is filled with sorrow of life and death. However, when I talk to you, you always look at me with understanding.I can't help thinking, my daughter, you came to this world in a hurry, is it to recognize your father and prepare for the eternal reunion? 10 tear At night, when the whole of China is gathered in front of the TV, I quietly push open your door.Under the dim light, you sleep peacefully with your eyes closed, your little face is clear and clean, and you are enjoying your sleep peacefully.Your unguarded state was completely exposed before my eyes, which made me feel distressed for a while. Your mother said that there are very few fathers like me in the world.I am also surprised that such a small thing can make people love it so much that they don't know what to do.As long as I see you, love will "smack my nose".This may not make sense, but it is my true feeling.Your cuteness and pity are always present at the same time, and suddenly a cloud of strong emotions of love and sorrow rushes towards me, wrapping me tightly in an instant. It was a forewarned catastrophe, and between the initial grief and the final blow, stretched the entire life of the three of us—a world of sun and trap, love and ravages.Your cuteness makes us very happy, and when we are most happy, there will be a sudden stab in our hearts.The signs of growth and the shadow of death go hand in hand, attachment and fear grow together day by day, God on earth, how can a person's fragile heart withstand such tearing! 11 The powerlessness of love So far, you have generously allowed us to share in the joy of your little being thriving.Now, when the pain begins to torment you rampantly, we can't share the slightest bit for you. Your weak body alone bears the severe pain that adults can't bear.Although you are our own flesh and blood, the pain is only on your body. We are always outside of your pain, and we can only judge from the side, not feel it ourselves.The so-called "empathy" has never been just an expression of a mood. I thought I loved you more than anything in the world, but now I am ashamed of this love.Facing fate, facing your death and the pain you suffered before it, how powerless this love is. I heard my mother crying in despair: "Why didn't this disease grow on me!" Listening to your screams like little animals, my heart was in a frenzy, and I uttered a blasphemous curse—— O God, I will never forgive! 12 Bondage I know a couple whose seventeen-year-old only daughter had cancer.At first, they were also in pain.However, after a long time, they were exhausted by the drag, and they hoped that their daughter would die soon so that they could be relieved.I totally understand the situation, it's upsetting to serve a terminally ill patient for a long time. My mother and I were also exhausted physically and mentally.But we don't bother. When you firmly grasped my skirt with your little hands and pressed your little body tightly against my arms, I couldn't help but hug you even tighter.At this moment, a feeling of kinship has become our common comfort, no matter the numbness of my limbs or the pain of your body, it cannot be drowned.You found it in my sickness, and with it you inspired me to endure all weariness. 13 Paradise It's late at night, I hypnotized you with pious steps, and you finally fell asleep in my arms.However, my footsteps still couldn't stop.Could it be that this is a journey without an end? The city and history are gradually disappearing behind, and there is silence all around, only the sound of your breathing and my footsteps are in the same rhythm, repeating evenly and monotonously. Now, my steps stopped by themselves. A father holds his critically ill daughter in both hands, standing in the deserted wilderness. Here there is no time, no life, and therefore no death.This is our paradise. A teardrop falls on your face, a water lily blooms, and you smile sweetly in your dream. 14 Love is not afraid of being in vain and will never be in vain After a horrific episode, you miraculously recover.I know that this is just an illusion, and the disease is still advancing quietly and unstoppably.But yet another burst of laughter from you is far from fake, it proves that you still love life and are capable of enjoying it. Someone advised me, since you are bound to die, it is better to let you be freed as soon as possible, why waste energy and emotion on you in vain. It's not that I don't know, all hope is lost and you're just living.However, in this world, who is not suffering?We are all doomed to die, but we do not lose patience with ourselves, why should I lose patience with you?There are a thousand reasons for you to leave early, and only one reason to keep you. This reason is better than those thousand reasons. It is my love for you. In vain?Love is not afraid of futility. It's not that I don't know that the longer I spend with you, the deeper I love you, and the more painful the final parting will be.However, in this world, don't people who love each other always have a difference?Since we don't refuse to stay together before separation because of this, why do I have to give up the happy gathering with you?This is a reunion around death, so it is precious, and every minute and every second will always be treasured in my heart.Death will take you, but not this gift of love you left me. In vain?Love is never in vain. 15 Eternal Daughter You made me a father once.Too short, I just got hooked, and you're leaving.You only made me a father for a moment. However, the ocean-like deep and broad fatherly love you awakened in me will always exist, shrouded in the lonely sky, and the endless sound of the waves calling for you. Of all the roles of a man, the father is the most human.The rest of the roles, including son, husband, careerist, and conqueror, can't help showing shame and lowering their voices in the face of the father role.A real man, once a father, cannot help being a father forever. You have purified my vision of women.You made me understand that women were once daughters and always are daughters.The more I love my woman, the more I want to see her like this. But while other daughters will sooner or later be other things, wife and mother, you are only a daughter and will always be a daughter.You are an eternal daughter. My eternal daughter, you have made me an eternal father. 16 Disillusionment We are usually trapped in the world of mortals.Although the death of relatives and friends will cause us to hurt others, it is the death of others after all, separated from us.We can only imagine our own death, which no one can witness.Death seems to be something that the witness cannot experience, and the sufferer cannot witness. However, the death of his own child was different.The child is truly flesh and blood, and his life is directly separated from our own.In the process of raising him to grow day by day, we seem to be transferring our own lives to him little by little.No matter how lucidly our reason sees into the nothingness after death, our racial instincts still lead us to believe that the life of a child is a continuation of our own.So, to witness the death of a child is almost to witness one's own death.This is the closest thing to witnessing and experiencing death.There is no greater sense of disillusionment in the world than to see the life that one has conceived destroyed, and the whole drama of impermanence play out right under your nose. Maybe, my daughter, your short and beautiful life is my true destiny, and my life in this world is just a phantom... 17 Wait and endure What am I waiting for? In a world where miracles are rarer than virtue (the so-called goodness) or even justice (the so-called good is rewarded), I have long since ceased to believe in miracles. Of course, I'm not waiting for the inevitable end.How could a father wait for his child's death? But I do wait.I wait for every laugh from my terminally ill daughter, who loves to laugh so much that my waiting is rarely in vain. I knew that one day the sickness would force her to stop laughing and finally take her life.At that time, I will not wait any longer, just grit my teeth and bear it. Life is nothing more than an alternation of waiting and tolerance.Sometimes there is waiting in patience, and anticipation in despair.When there is nothing to wait for, just bear it for the last time, at worst, die, and then you will be completely liberated. 18 Gain and loss of life I ask myself: A baby dies at birth, does he have nothing to lose, or has he lost the long life he should have enjoyed? When an old man dies, has he lost the long life he once enjoyed, or has he lost nothing? I ask myself: How to measure the gains and losses of life?What is the significance of the length of life? I told myself: Life is complete and indivisible, so death at any age is incalculable and incomparable, it is the loss of a complete life. I found that my questions and answers were both paradoxical, using metaphysics to cover up a common-sense truth: the death of an old man is natural and normal, while the death of a child is unnatural and absurd. In the face of death, the child gives a real consolation: life is irresistible. But what about the death of a child? 19 mediocre father A poet is not fit to be a husband.Once married, poetry is gone.A philosopher is not fit to be a father.When a child is born, philosophy dies. Have I ever made a high-level statement like this? So someone advised me based on this: "This is God's will, God wants you to be a philosopher." But now, if I were allowed to choose, I would choose to be a father rather than a philosopher without hesitation. A friend gave me the reason: In this day and age, there are too many mediocre philosophers and too few great fathers. No, my choice is: I would rather be a mediocre father than a brilliant philosopher. My reason is much simpler: I love my daughter more than all philosophy.No philosophy has touched my heart so dearly as this delicate little creature.Let any philosophy die as long as my daughter lives. However, my daughter was doomed not to live. Yet philosophies of all shades are destined to survive in this world. I cradled the tiny corpse of my daughter, refusing to accept any kind of philosophical comfort. It's not up to me to choose, I'm just a mediocre father in my bones, and I can't be an outstanding philosopher. 20 Niobe's Tears On the cliff of Sipyros stands a stone statue of a mother.Her whole body was stiff and lifeless, only those dull eyes dripped with tears that would never dry up. Here is Niobe weeping for her slain children. The queen of Thebes was once the happiest mother in the world, with seven beautiful daughters and seven healthy sons under her knees.How naive she was, who did not boast of her power and wealth, but relied on her many lovely children to disdain the god Leto who had few children, and finally suffered such terrible revenge. When dancer Duncan's two children are killed in a car accident, she feels like she too has been turned to stone like Niobe.From then on, no matter what she experienced, everything was outside her, just like the waves are outside the stone. Niobe and Duncan were real women who loved their children more than the throne or the art that made them great.I believe their ambition is pure because it is docile to their supreme motherhood. There can be no greater calamity for a mother (and I will add a father) than the loss of a child.A survey shows that among all kinds of life events, the death of a child causes the greatest psychological pressure.Whereas other events strike the head or the heart, the loss of a child strikes directly at the deepest racial instincts of man. Therefore, Niobe is a tragic symbol.In the moment of catastrophe, she was turned to stone, everything about her died, only her sorrow lived forever.As long as there are unfortunate parents in the world, her tears will not be shed.