Chapter 22 Six Men and Women in Shanghai

On January 7, 1997, Taiwanese writer Long Yingtai published the article "Ah, Shanghai Man" in "Wen Wei Po".The article wrote: "Shanghai men are so cute: he can buy vegetables, cook and mop the floor without feeling inferior; he can wash women's clothes without feeling inferior; he can talk softly to women without feeling inferior. Without masculinity, he can let women be strong without feeling weak, and he can appreciate his wife's success without feeling like a failure. Shanghai men don't need to bang their chests like chimpanzees and show their hair to prove themselves masculine Ah, this is the man who really has a bright future! What our new women who pursue liberation in the 20th century dream of is this kind of gentle and magnanimous man liberated from the myth of heroes. It turns out that they are in Shanghai. "

As soon as this article, which Ms. Long thinks and I think is a compliment to Shanghai men, immediately caused an uproar in Shanghai.According to the cloud: "Shanghai men" have called the newspaper office to scold the author for "insulting" Shanghai men, but Shanghai men are still real "husbands" and so on.Some Shanghai men (including women) also wrote articles one after another, and took up the challenge, enumerating all kinds of faults in Longwen, and expressing all kinds of grievances of Shanghai men.There are also Shanghai men who sent letters across the ocean, expressing the strongest protest against Long Yingtai, and implicating Wen Wei Po, threatening to initiate a campaign to boycott Wen Wei Po overseas.The aggrieved Long Yingtai was inexplicably surprised: "It is common for my articles to cause debates, but this is the first time that they have caused completely outrageous misunderstandings." In fact, Ms. Long suffered a "group attack" in Shanghai, which was more or less "self-inflicted".Because when she praised Shanghai men, she really shouldn't have used a teasing tone, such as what Shanghai men are "a rare breed in the world", what Shanghai men "are not ashamed to help women wash underwear", what " In Shanghai, China at the end of the 20th century, it’s not surprising that the protagonists of the rumors were actually men, abused men” and so on, not to mention there are so many bizarre stories, such as Shanghai men who dare not sit down because they are afraid of their wives. toilet, can only squat on the toilet to do things, or is forced to have sex by his wife every night, etc.Anyone who puts this on the head will be annoyed.

It should also be admitted that the articles discussing with Long Yingtai (including those articles that are not necessarily discussing but just posting comments) also have their own reasons.Some words are very reasonable. For example, the root cause of men cooking is that women are generally employed and men and women are paid equally for equal work, and they are also "low paid". Therefore, they need to work equally in society and in the kitchen." Otherwise, when do you have dinner?" (Feng Shize's "Say "Sweep") Some words are quite witty, for example, in ancient times, "women are the ones who please themselves", but now "men are the ones who please themselves" Cook" (M.P. "Letter from Sweden").Some words are both reasonable and witty: "Not every man in Shanghai has the experience of kneeling on the washboard. The man who was kicked out of the house in the middle of the night may be walking to his lover's bachelor apartment carefree, while the woman at home who is roaring from the east of the river is full of feelings." Intersection is lamenting the bitterness of life, but thinking about the man who walked out of the house in desperation." (Zhang Yazhe's "Talking about "Shanghai Men") Some words may or may not be true, for example, "Many people in Shanghai hang 'fear of his wife' on Men who talk or pretend to be 'sex-afraid' are not actually henpecked, this is just a well-intentioned 'strategy' in their relationship between husband and wife." (Lu Shoujun "Also Saying "Shanghai Men") or "Shanghai men are more pragmatic, they don't insist on traditional concepts, and they don't twist to please women." It has become a rare species in the world, and rare goods can live in." (Shen Shanzeng's "Unable to Praise "Shanghai Men") Others are no longer just speaking for Shanghai men, such as the difficulties of mainland women: "Shaking the crowded bus She has to be able to hold the child; when her husband is not around, she has to be able to carry the gas tank. She is not gentle, she is a bit rough to be a mainland woman." It is also difficult for mainland men: "Originally, the house should be assigned to him, But I don’t know whose back door was squeezed in. He is also angry! Women can call him a wimp because of this, but he can’t call the unit leader a bastard.” “How can he be a man! Guard the door Comrades, the old man on the bus, the conductor lady on the bus, the little aunts in the nursery school, the upstairs and downstairs neighbors, the superiors and subordinates, colleagues and leaders, he is careful not to offend", "If a relationship is not handled well, he will be unlucky. Husband and wife In terms of relationships, he doesn’t take retreat as an advance, so what’s the point of making things difficult for his own family? You let him puff out his chest muscles and beat up women to show his masculinity.” “In fact, a Shanghai man who rides a bicycle every day and brings fish home They also don’t have the time and energy to exercise their pectoralis major muscles. They can’t exercise and show off their muscles like the well-fed Western men to show their masculine charm. Shanghai men know how heavy the burden of life is on them and their wives.” Therefore” A Shanghai man whose heart is too soft can't stand by and watch his beloved woman exhausted to death (Tang Ying's "Shanghai Man, Tired").

If it is so true, who would not be moved by it after reading it? However, the question is not how many mistakes Long Yingtai made and how many others were right, but why this matter caused such a big repercussion in Shanghai.You know, Shanghainese are "accustomed to scolding", such as "Shanghai people are selfish", "Shanghai people are stingy" and so on.These gossip and gossip are all over the country and the world, and Shanghainese have long turned a deaf ear to them.Just as a northern woman living in Shanghai said: "Newspapers and magazines and gossip from all over the world sometimes make comments about Shanghainese, especially Shanghaimen, and most of them are derogatory; Seriously, few people defend and refute it." (Yang Changrong "Say a Word for Shanghai Men") For example, the TV series "Desire" was suspected of alluding to the selfishness of Shanghai men, and "Negative Debt" was mistaken for saying that Shanghai men scattered romantic seeds, "dare to live but dare not raise", irresponsible.Although the two dramas aroused dissatisfaction in Shanghai, there was no "any Shanghai native jumping out to make a theory".This time it was an exception.So, why are the Shanghai people indifferent when they have suffered so many "unjust injustices", but this time Ms. Long just praised the Shanghai men with teasing words, which made the Shanghai People's Congress angry and angry? It is a particularly sensitive issue, and Shanghainese are particularly taboo about others saying that they are afraid of their wives?

Indeed, the relationship between men and women is indeed a sensitive issue, and it is not very decent to be afraid of your wife.However, although being afraid of your wife is not decent, it is not too shameful.Henfephobia has existed in China since ancient times, even emperors and prime ministers were henpecked (please refer to my book), and I have never heard of how embarrassing it is.At least, being afraid of your wife is not as shameful as being selfish and petty.What's more, Shanghai people don't deny that they are afraid of their wives. In 1991, Shanghai TV broadcasted a series of skits called "Shanghai Husband Variations", listing 10 types such as apron type, plywood type, troublesome type, escort type, and private money type, and sang: "Where are there men? Let's go. Xiao Wang takes milk, Lao Zhao buys soy sauce. The wife yells, and the husband shakes three times. All wages and bonuses are handed over, and the leftovers are kept by himself. The heavy and dirty work is done by one person, and he will not fight back even if he is beaten or scolded. If Ms. Long is not allowed, the Shanghainese laughed out loud after watching it, and I have never heard of anyone wanting to "ask for an explanation" from the TV station.

Perhaps, the problem lies in: Shanghainese themselves can say it about henpeck (and other related things), but others can't say it, especially Long Yingtai.Because Shanghai men "are men after all, Chinese men. Although they are rare 'rare', or 'gentle and magnanimous' to 'like a curved bean sprout'" (Hu Yan's "Long Yingtai and "Unworthy Shanghai man"").What man wants to be said to be "unmanly" No.It's even worse if a woman says that.What's more, You Yingtai is a Taiwanese woman married to a foreigner. At the same time, she is also a famous woman whose works are as good as her body. The bent Shanghai man made irresponsible remarks?As a result, the men and women in Shanghai "became a plate of roasted red lobster for no reason under the watchful eyes of the public", while the lady Long, who was blowing the whirlwind, "had already been sitting in her beautiful home in Switzerland, admiring and recording Her son An'an's witty remarks, our endless chatter about Shanghai men has nothing to do with the pain and itching of that family" (Li Hongbing's "Long Yingtai and Zhou Guoping").Think who is not angry?

But, even so, it seems that there is no need to be so angry.You know, You Yingtai has no malicious intentions after all!She didn't sarcasm or ridicule Shanghai men, but she was a little "confused" and a little "ridiculous". In fact, the reason why things go bad is because of the word "ridicule".Think about it, if you really think that "the most liberated man is the most gentle man", and Shanghai men are exactly that, then, why are you making fun of it?This is irritating, and the underlying reason for irritating is being poked where it hurts.In fact, the image problem of Shanghai men has always been a "heart disease" for Shanghai people.I don’t know when, there has been a “consensus” all over the country, that is: “Shanghai men are the least like men.” Shanghai men themselves know this and feel deeply distressed by it.It's not that Shanghai men haven't made efforts. For example, some people grow their hair and beards and look like "hard-core niches" or "western cowboys", but they don't feel "like".Because "you can't imagine a strong man with thick beard and long hair speaking soft Wu dialect to bargain with peddlers" (Yang Dongping's "City Monsoon").Precisely because Shanghai men know it well and have nothing to do, they are especially afraid of what others will say.Now, Ms. Long has embellished all the performances that most people think of as "unlike a man", and yelled so that the whole world knows that this is not out of intention to make life difficult for Shanghainese, and she can't swallow it no matter what.I can't tolerate this kind of thing, but the whole world "shares the same heart", not just Shanghainese.However, Shanghainese are Shanghainese after all.In the "return" to Ms. Long, although some words may not be on the point, the attitude is still elegant and decent, Fairplay.

So I also want to say a few words for Shanghai men. If you want to talk about Shanghai men, you have to talk about Shanghai women first. Speaking of which, things in Shanghai are a bit strange.For example, everyone agrees that Shanghai is a good city, but they don't think highly of Shanghainese.Among Shanghainese, Shanghai men have always had a bad image, but Shanghai women are well-received (except that they are particularly disgusted with their voyeurism and gossip).In all fairness, there are beautiful women and excellent women all over the country, and Shanghai women are not the most beautiful and outstanding among them.However, Shanghai women seem to be the only ones who can still have a "feminine taste" when a woman is in her 30s, 40s, 50s or 60s, or does heavy physical labor under harsh conditions.It can be said that Shanghai women are the "most feminine women" in China.

The reason why Shanghai women are particularly feminine is that, apart from the fact that southern women are more beautiful and urban life is far superior to rural life, what is more important is that they pay special attention to their own gender characteristics. There is a kind of education that can be called "women's cultivation". tradition of.They know what a woman should be and how to be a woman from an early age.As a result, even if they were not the most beautiful and outstanding, they became the most beautiful and outstanding. This is the unique magic of the city of Shanghai.Chen Danyan said: "Shanghai is such a place. If there is a little money, it can pretend to be very rich. It naturally knows how to make itself look good." "Shanghai's Romance") We can also say: Shanghai A woman is a kind of person. If she is a little bit beautiful and a little bit coquettish, she can look very beautiful and coquettish. They naturally know how to make themselves feminine.

The femininity of Shanghai women can be summed up in one word: whine. The word "嗲" belongs to the south completely.Northerners, no matter men or women, often don't know what "嗲" is.In my book, I have a definition of "嗤", which I think is the unique "smell" of some girls that can make men feel distressed and affectionate.The reason why a girl can have this kind of taste is mostly because of her petite figure, charming figure, gentle personality, elegant conversation, decent manners, fashionable clothes, she is graceful when she is still, graceful when she moves, and soft when she speaks. The food should be chewed slowly, so that the men will feel tender, love abnormally, and have a heart of caring.Among them, in addition to innate temperament, acquired self-cultivation is also very important, and the skill of conquering men with this is the so-called "bad skill" in Shanghai.

However, if you think that Shanghai women are all weak and pampered "Miss Jiao", then you are very wrong. Shanghai women are not only beautiful, but also capable. ——Chinese women can be capable, but it is difficult to be capable while maintaining femininity.In my impression, the women in Shanghai and Chengdu are the ones who can do this among urban women.However, Chengdu women are too talkative, unreasonable, and not sweet enough, so their femininity is slightly inferior to that of Shanghai women. Shanghai women are all "experts" - they specialize in caring for their families.Except for female high-ranking intellectuals, female high-ranking cadres, and other individuals, Shanghai women who belong to the citizen class generally do not have extensive knowledge, know little about the outside world, and do not have much interest, but as long as they are involved in family building and family life , is omniscient and omniscient.In this respect, they are often more knowledgeable than their husbands (their husbands are better than non-local men), and they are often smarter than their husbands (their husbands are smarter than non-local men).Therefore, it is a matter of course that they should enjoy the dominance and leadership of the family, and it is also a matter of course that their husbands should do grocery shopping, cooking, laundry, and mopping the floor.Of course, there are husbands who are smarter and more capable than their wives.However, in such a family, the husband often does not let his wife work as a small worker in turn, but "from slave to general" alone.So their wives can continue to be "baby sisters", while those whose ability is obviously stronger than their husbands may change from "baby sisters" to "tigresses".But generally speaking, even the "Tigress" is Shanghai-style.They can firmly control the power of housekeeping and make their husbands bow their heads and obey their ears, not by the roar of the east lion, but by the policy of gentleness, that is, not high pressure, but hard work.Therefore, when men find that "strict wife control" turns out to be a "sweet pain", they will willingly continue this disease. What's more, when men are shopping, cooking, washing, and mopping the floor, women are not idle.Shanghai women are restless.In fact, there are not many people in Shanghai who make men exhausted and women stand by.It's more like "husband and wife both build the house, and you bring water and I water the garden" (the only thing I don't know is where the Shanghainese get so many chores to do).Shanghai women are almost all generals who "lead by example" at home.No matter how men in Shanghai are said to be "Sister-in-Law Ma", women do most of the housework.While controlling the "government power", they also provide the best service, make their husbands dress decently, and raise their children white and tender.No wonder some people laughed and said: To know what "leadership is service", it is best to go to the home of a Shanghainese. It seems that we should also say that Shanghai women are the best women, at least in their families. It's hard to imagine that the "least man-like men" stay with these best and most feminine women. There seem to be many reasons for saying "Shanghai men are the least like men".First of all, the shape is "not like".When northerners mention Shanghai men, the first impression is often "little white face" and "sissy", that is, thin skin and tender flesh, with a milky voice (in fact, this is not the case or not completely).Compared with "big men from the north" or "cowboys from the west", the people of Shanghai are indeed more white and tender, and the Shanghainese dialect is also indeed softer, giving people a feeling that there is more femininity than masculinity.However, it would be superficial and ridiculous to assert that "Shanghai men are the least like men".Do you really have to be muscular like a thug and bearded like a bandit to look like a man?Not so! Shanghai men's "unlike men" is mainly because their lifestyle and pursuit of life are too much like women.In this respect they even have the same tastes and tastes as women.Their housework is no longer just about sharing the labor or building a family together, but taking it as a "career", indulging in obsession, and never getting tired of it.Many Shanghai men are not only good at cooking and can cook beautiful side dishes (this is understandable and acceptable to men from other places), but also very good at tailoring clothes (this is incomprehensible and acceptable).They love shopping like women (it is universal for men not to shop), they are familiar with commodity prices, they are proficient in bargaining skills, they are good at identifying the authenticity of fabrics, and they are familiar with all kinds of popular styles of clothing. Can knit sweaters.This is really like a woman, how can a "big man" think about needles and threads all day long, and never forget the stitching of sweaters and the matching of buttons? Shanghai men will. Men in Shanghai can also chatter like women, mother-in-law and mother-in-law, and they are keen on trivial matters in life that cannot be put on the table, and neighbors can't tell right from wrong.Of course not all Shanghai men are like this, just as not all Shanghai men know how to wear sweaters.Moreover, there are also such men in other places.But in people's minds, such men seem to be the most typical in Shanghai, and they even think that Shanghai men are "just like this".Therefore, if you meet such a man in other places, people will say: "Why does he look like a Shanghainese?" There are so many "unlike men" in Shanghai men, fear of his wife is no longer a serious problem I have said many times that, in a sense, "henpephobia" is actually a "remnant of feudalism".Only in traditional society can there be "afraid of his wife", and only in traditional society "afraid of his wife" is ridiculous.Because the rules in traditional society are "men are superior to women".It's ridiculous that the "big men" who are supposed to be majestic are actually afraid of their wives.What modern society advocates is independence of personality, freedom of will, and equality between men and women. Women should not be afraid of men, and men should not be afraid of women. "The east wind blows, the war drums beat, who in the world is afraid of whom?" I'm afraid it means "no one is afraid of anyone".The same goes for Shanghainese.Most of the men and women in Shanghai families are still "afraid of no one".Women may be more partial to their natal families, but at least they will not treat their husbands badly; men may be more filial to Wen's mother, but it may be regarded as a disguised reward for his wife's hard work in housekeeping. .As for sharing housework, it is no longer limited to Shanghai.It's just that the housework of northern men is mostly limited to "manual work" such as changing gas or "technical work" such as installing electrical appliances, and they will not wash underwear for their wives.However, this does not mean that they have reason to look down on Shanghai men.Doing housework, what else has to be done?Besides, if people want it, you can control it What's more, Shanghai women should be responsible for the "unlike men" of Shanghai men.On the one hand, the gentle, smooth, sweet and greasy image of Shanghai men was designed and shaped by Shanghai women.As Yang Dongping said, they always like to dress up their husband and son as "beautiful big boys" ("City Monsoon") in accordance with the aesthetic ideal of "Xiaojiabiyu" and follow the patterns provided in the tailoring book.On the other hand, they place too much emphasis on family life, constantly compare with colleagues and girlfriends, and must not lag behind in everything, which also creates burden and pressure on men virtually.As mentioned earlier, elegance is the atmosphere of Shanghai, and Shanghainese also pursue elegance in their family life, which is understandable.The problem is that, for most wage earners living in cramped quarters, living in style comes at a heavy price.This is: both husband and wife must devote their time, energy, intelligence and intelligence to family building, exhaust their energy, think hard, save money, and find ways to be beautiful.A person, especially a man, if he spends too much time on this aspect, it is difficult for him to become petty and trivial.It is understandable and forgivable for women to be petty and petty (although not all women are petty and petty), and men are looked down upon for being petty and petty.At this time, together with his appearance and tone of voice, he will be regarded as an expression of "femininity". Of course, those who have the above-mentioned "characteristics" are only a part of Shanghai men.The percentage of them among the men in Shanghai may be something that will never be known.Moreover, there are "girly" men in other places, even in the north.Therefore, it is unfair to say that "Shanghai men are the least like men".There are misunderstandings and prejudices.For example, the so-called "fear of his wife" and taking the initiative to undertake housework, grocery shopping, cooking, helping his wife wash underwear, etc. are also evidence of "unlike a man", which is caused by traditional concepts.Others such as "like a curved bean sprout" or "drinking fermented glutinous rice all over the face", etc., are not enough.I said in a book that you don't have to be tall, muscular, and powerful to be a man. "The strength of a man lies first in his personality, and the strength of his personality lies in his righteousness." I think there are such men in Shanghai. However, the question is not whether Shanghai men look like men, how many of them look like men, and how different they look like, but why so many people agree with it when they say "Shanghai men don't look like men". , the Shanghainese themselves will be particularly sensitive and annoyed?There is no getting around this fact.For example, what would happen if Long Yingtai's article was renamed "Ah, Beijing Man" and published in Beijing's newspapers? It would only cause a roar of laughter, thinking that it was just an April Fool's Day joke. In fact, Shanghainese shouldn't be angry.Some outsiders like to laugh at Shanghai men, but they don't laugh at Shanghai women.Not only did he not ridicule, but he would give Shanghai women high marks in his heart.At least, no one will say that "Shanghai women are the least like women".Since Shanghai women are the most feminine, then, according to the principle of "half of a man is a woman", their men should not look like men. In fact, in the "Military Medal" of Shanghai women, there are indeed both "her half" and "his half".It is precisely because of the love and care of Shanghai men that they have a far better living environment and living environment than northern women, so that they can still maintain their admirable "femininity" after becoming wives and mothers.Shanghai men make sacrifices for their women.If you want to sacrifice, sacrifice to the end!Stop worrying about whether you "look like a man".What's more, some things that are considered "unmanly" may be precisely a kind of progress.As Wu Zheng said, some of the "manly style" and "big man's style" in the northern wilderness and southern countryside that "make Shanghai men stare and shake their heads" are "precisely such areas that will not be able to do so in the foreseeable future." One of the signs of taking off the hat of poverty quickly" ("Understanding Shanghai Men").Progress needs no justification. "Big talk without arguing".If a Shanghai man firmly believes that he is a new modern man, he doesn't need to rush out to defend himself. Perhaps, generally speaking, Shanghainese are not ideal, complete, and strictly modern urbanites (except some outstanding ones).They did get some modern ideas early on while sporting a traditional braid and tail.Therefore, when the braid is grabbed and the tail is stepped on, it will cry out.At least, they seem to be a bit lacking in confidence when facing the challenge of traditional concepts.The reason for my lack of confidence is that besides being unable to sever history and sever traditions, it is also because I also know that I have "a lot of problems", including some things that are really "unlike men".Some of these problems are caused by Shanghai's distorted and deformed history, and some are caused by Shanghai people's own lack of self-examination.What's more, some traditional virtues such as generosity, humility, etc. may no longer be "out of date", but after all, they once had their own rationality.Therefore, when people who firmly believe in the rationality of traditional virtues adhere to these moral norms, and therefore feel qualified to criticize Shanghainese, they are righteous and moderate, and they represent the "modern" "urban tribal people" , will feel ashamed, incoherent, and even become angry from embarrassment. In fact, Shanghainese are full of contradictions deep in their hearts, and their daily behavior is not lacking in resentment.For example, Shanghai Beach was originally open.It is the unrestrained opening up that created the great Shanghai.However, it is difficult for Shanghainese to open their minds to the outside world.Shanghai people are cautious in their words and deeds, don't talk too much, don't make friends indiscriminately, and absolutely don't have the "boldness" of some northerners who "get acquainted with each other and talk about everything". The creed of "nothing" is more artificial than in traditional society.This is exactly the result of the lessons learned in the "Ten Mile Foreign Market" back then when they were intrigues, and if you were not careful, you would be deceived.As a result, "the undefended Shanghai civilization finally gave birth to Shanghai people who are everywhere fortified" (Yu Qiuyu's "Love for the Future of Shanghai Civilization").Precisely because there are defenses everywhere, I especially like to spy on private matters, because I have to guard against other people's tricks behind their backs.Everyone sets up defenses, and everyone is peeping. Everyone wants to spy on people and prevent others from peeping. The result is that they are more defensive and more selfish. Everyone is sneaky, and everyone smiles. .This will inevitably make outsiders, especially the bold northerners, look disgusted.But in Shanghai, there are unspeakable difficulties.It should be said that Shanghainese are moving from tradition to modernity with a heavy psychological burden.Only in this way, they will become the most controversial family.