Chapter 37 Two subtle relationships

Generally speaking, in traditional Chinese society, the order in which men marry wives is in order of age.The elder brother has not yet married, and the younger brother has to wait. There is absolutely no reason to "reap the barley without reaping the wheat".In this way, there is a "friendship of uncle and sister-in-law" between married women and other unmarried men other than their husbands.Because those unmarried men are either their husband's brothers, or their husband's cousins, cousins, family brothers, or "buddies" who can be regarded as brothers, and married women are naturally "sister-in-law".

The relationship between uncle and sister-in-law is the most delicate relationship. In the "Great Defense of Men and Women" established by our ancestors, there is a very important rule called "uncle and sister-in-law can't talk about it", that is, sister-in-law and uncle can't even talk.Why such strict regulations?Just because uncles and sisters-in-law are extremely prone to adultery.Uncles and sisters-in-law are close in age and live together every day. If the two are in love, it is almost impossible to guard against.What's more, when the younger brother sees his elder brother making out with his sister-in-law, he will inevitably "see the situation and love him";If the two of them really "do not offend the river", how can they keep it?If it is not done well, a pot of "chowder soup" will be made.It was the worst incest and one of the biggest scandals.Because according to the etiquette, "elder brother is like father, elder sister-in-law is like mother", uncle and sister-in-law commit adultery, it is tantamount to "killing father and marrying mother", isn't it like a beast?Therefore, the best way is to isolate them and not even allow them to speak, so as to prevent problems before they happen, at least to avoid the suspicion of plums in the melon field.

However, although the rule that uncles and sisters-in-law do not know how to ask questions has some truth in it, it is rarely operable in practice.Don't say that small families who have to work and live together can't do it, even big families can't do it.Jia Baoyu and Wang Xifeng are uncles and sisters-in-law, so why not ask questions?Not a lot.In fact, in traditional Chinese families, the sister-in-law and the unmarried uncle not only communicate frequently, but also have a relatively good relationship and affection.As I said before, married women in China often have a natural maternal instinct.If it is said that their love for their husbands is somewhat like that of a mother for a son, then their love for their unmarried uncle is more like a mother for a younger son.In the eyes of many married women, the younger brother-in-law is the one who needs to be loved the most by themselves: they are young, and they are not loved by their daughter-in-law. So, if the sister-in-law does not love them, who will love them?Therefore, although it is the sister-in-law who takes care of the brother's diet and daily life, it is often the sister-in-law rather than the elder brother who is eager to find a wife for him.This happens all the time.For example, the relationship between Wang Xifeng and Jia Baoyu far exceeds that of Jia Lian.In this book, we can often see Sister Feng's sincere care and love for Baoyu.In addition to the talented Sister Feng's admiration for the equally talented Baoyu, and the utilitarian element to please Jiamu (Jiamu loves Baoyu), the affection for uncle and sister-in-law is also one of the reasons. .Because Sister Feng also loves Jia Huan who is "incompetent" and "nobody cares", at least she doesn't bully him that much.

Married women not only tend to love their younger uncles more, but also almost have such a caring and loving heart for their husbands' unmarried boyfriends and male colleagues, that is, all those who can be regarded as "brothers-in-law" in a broad sense.Because it is a natural psychological tendency to compare oneself with others and to compare oneself with others.Since "old, I am old" can "be as old as a person";of course can.What's more, what a great love is maternal love!When a woman views the world with maternal love, her love may extend beyond the family.And in their view, the most worthy of pity and love are those unmarried men, that is, those "big boys" who are not loved by women.

The psychological reason for this is very deep. A more realistic deep-seated psychological reason, we might as well call it "love child complex".Almost all Chinese women have a son-in-law complex, for example, they love their sons and grandchildren very much.This is often one of the reasons why the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is not good, and the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law are in a state of hostility.The reasons for the love child complex are both physiological and social.The physiological reason is "heterosexual love", and the social reason is that mothers are more expensive than children.Fathers love their daughters more, and mothers love their sons more. This may be a common feature of human beings.This commonality, coupled with the fact that mothers value children more, makes Chinese women's son-loving complex particularly serious.This complex is hereditary and contagious.Therefore, a married woman, regardless of whether she has children or not, will treat her husband, her brother-in-law, and all young men who can be regarded as brothers-in-law with the mentality of a mother loving her son.

Another relatively ancient deep-seated psychological reason seems to be called "group marriage complex".We know that at a certain period in primitive times, if a woman became the wife of a man, it often meant that she was also the joint wife of the man's brothers, just as a man who became the husband of a woman often meant that she was also the wife of his brothers. It means that he is also the co-husband of this woman's sister.What's more, China originally had the tradition of "brother ends up with brother", that is, after the death of the husband, brothers can marry their sister-in-law as wives.In this sense, the elder brother's wife is half of the younger brother's fiancee.This is actually the subtlest of the subtleties in the relationship between uncle and sister-in-law, and it is also the most profound intention to stipulate that "uncle and sister-in-law don't know how to ask questions".Because of this "quasi-fiancée" relationship, it is very easy to lead to the younger brother's "wrong thoughts".It will not only lead to "incest" but also may lead to "brother killing", and brother killing can kill two birds with one stone: it can not only "take a wife" but also "take a son" (take the elder brother) The status of the first son), and even the wife inherits the property and power together, that is really an "irresistible temptation"!

However, if a "little brother-in-law" is not a real brother, he does not have such a "criminal motive".Because "brother end brother and brother" is limited to brothers.Cousins, cousins, family brothers, brothers, and "sister-in-law" do not have the nature of "quasi-unmarried couples", so they have no scruples. On the contrary, the relationship between real uncles and sisters-in-law is more casual.On the one hand, they are not "quasi-unmarried couples" in terms of etiquette and customs;Therefore, if an unmarried man and a married woman are in a relationship that is neither close nor close (too close to be "uncle and sister-in-law", too close to be "suspected"), then they are very likely to become a kind of "uncle and sister-in-law". quasi-lover".The so-called "quasi-lover" means that they don't really have a love relationship or a sexual relationship like a "true lover", but there is more or less a hint of sexual love in their interactions with each other.Its specific manifestations are "talking about the wind" and "eating tofu".

Among the people, especially in the vast rural areas, flirting, talking and laughing between unmarried young people and married women has always been a rather "beautiful" folk scene.Most people who have some experience in rural life have seen this kind of scene.This kind of scene was still spectacular in the period of "People's Commune".At that time, male and female commune members had to work in the fields together, or repair water conservancy, or learn from Dazhai.This kind of program will also be staged during the work break, and at this time, all kinds of dirty and gossip can be said.Because this is in public, under the watchful eyes of everyone, there is absolutely no suspicion of adultery, so you can be presumptuous.Therefore, when the excitement is high, some people not only use their mouths, but also use their hands a little, such as turning a certain woman on the ground, stuffing soil into her body, and so on.At this time, all the people will come to watch and cheer, and the leaders will not stop it.The reasons for not stopping it are nothing more than the following: first, this kind of thing has existed since ancient times, and it has always been like this, so there is no need to make a big deal out of it; Recreational activities"; thirdly, after laughing and frolicking, everyone's body and mind will be relaxed, and the work efficiency may be higher when they go back to work.Therefore, the smart rural grassroots leaders will not be so "unpopular" to stop this kind of program. On the contrary, they sometimes add a few words to show that they are having fun with the crowd and have a harmonious relationship between the cadres and the masses.

This is simply the modern "Shangsi Festival", and it is simply the modern version of the era "Victors and women, Yi Qi flirt with each other, and give them peony".The difference is that the modern version is much more "vulgar" (there is no peonies to give away), but it is also more "decent".Because the ancient "Shangsi Festival" really wanted to elope, but its modern version is just a joke.But the functions of sexual catharsis and sexual enlightenment are the same.Many of the urban school children (educated youths) who went to the mountains and the countryside in those days received their sexual enlightenment on such occasions.

There are two groups of people whose attitudes are quite interesting on this occasion. One category is unmarried girls.They cannot participate in this kind of teasing, and men are not allowed to play this kind of joke with them, otherwise it is hooliganism.It can be seen that even in folks who don't take sex very seriously, girls' chastity is still extremely important.Boys may wish to be "polluted", but girls must remain "innocent".Even, on the occasion mentioned above, if a young girl gets up and walks away with a straight face, the farce will automatically end immediately, and everyone will feel embarrassing and embarrassing.It seems that chaste girls do have a sense of holiness, and its influence is invisible but quite powerful.

The other category is the husband of the person concerned.When people gossip and make fun of a married woman, her husband can only stand by and do nothing to stop her.Not only will it be useless to stop it, but it will only make things worse and even pay for it.To put it mildly, people would laugh and say, "Why, do you love your wife?" In China, loving your wife is more embarrassing than being afraid of your wife, and you can't afford to lose face.If it is more serious, maybe the husband will also be pushed to the front line, and let him stand with his wife to "be criticized", and this face is also unbearable.The smart way, of course, is to ignore them and pretend to be confused. In fact, this kind of thing often does not require husbands to "help", women can deal with it by themselves.To put it bluntly, the difficulty of being a human being is nothing more than a face. "People are shameless, even ghosts are afraid." Married women are not virgins, and shame has long since become less important.So when it comes to gossip, I'm afraid it's more powerful than men.As a result, the young people who provoked the incident often became overwhelmed with lust and became overwhelmed, and finally fled amidst the laughter. The reason why the husbands stand idly by is that they know very well that they have to turn a blind eye to the fact that unmarried young men are flirting with their wives, so as not to recognize the truth.First of all, this kind of thing is not "true" in the first place, but just a "joke".Secondly, the folks in the big hometown, you can’t look up and you can’t see down. Five hundred years ago, it was a family, and they were all "brothers".Brothers, if you really can’t hold back your sexual hunger and thirst, then you really want to give up your wife. Now it’s just a joke, and you’ve had your mouth full, so what’s the fuss about it?Therefore, if anyone even called this kind of thing real, he would be despised by others, thinking that this kid is too stingy, too unmanly, and not enough buddies.You kid is hot tea, hot rice, hot kang, enjoying the happiness of the world, but the brothers are "fighting the famine", why don't you let everyone talk about being happy?It is certain that whoever takes it seriously on such an occasion will become extremely unpopular in the village.Of course, the same is true for that woman. A husband must actively support and affirm his wife’s love for his sister-in-law, but a wife will definitely not tolerate her husband’s love for her sister-in-law.There is inequality between men and women in traditional Chinese society, and men always take advantage of women and suffer, but this is an exception. The relationship between brother-in-law and sister-in-law is also the most delicate. The relationship between brother-in-law and sister-in-law is so subtle that they don't even have a title.The Chinese attach great importance to kinship, and to the types and levels of kinship.There are special terms for different relationships, such as husband and wife, mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, son-in-law, uncle, sister-in-law, sister-in-law, brother-in-law, in-laws, etc.The relationship between brother-in-law and sister-in-law does not seem to have such a technical term. I don’t know whether it is caused by the concept of "boy preference" or whether the ancients deliberately "diluted" this relationship. Indeed, adultery is more likely to occur between brother-in-law and sister-in-law than uncle-in-law.A sister-in-law is like a wife, and it is easy for a husband to "go from here to there"; a brother-in-law is like a brother, and it is easy to make a younger sister "envious"; and it is human nature for men to like young women, and for women to admire mature men .Therefore, once the wife grows old and becomes a "golden flower", the husband is likely to favor the sister-in-law who is "cardamom branch in early February", and the sister-in-law who is just in love may also be overwhelmed by the "mature charm" of her brother-in-law.What's more, according to the "concubine system", a man originally had the right to marry his wife's adult sister into the house, thinking that it was "a matter of the emperor's daughter", so it was not considered an "unreasonable idea".In fact, it is not uncommon in history for a brother-in-law to steal a sister-in-law.The most famous is Li Yu, the empress of the Southern Tang Dynasty.It is said that when his first wife, Empress Zhou, fell ill, he had an affair with his aunt (later Empress Xiao Zhou). Bodhisattva Man".This is really "hard evidence". Therefore, as a wife, you have to be more vigilant about the relationship between your husband and your sister.Not only the younger sister must be guarded against, but women who are similar to the younger sister must also be strictly guarded against.Those young and beautiful girlfriends and female colleagues of mine should also be more careful to avoid "unforeseen events".It's hard work, but there's nothing you can do about it, and it's better than a real scandal or a "third party" breaking up the family. This kind of high vigilance and careful precautions will of course cause "crowded snakes" and "tremendous winds", resulting in unnecessary misunderstandings and an unhappy ending.For example, the husband and aunt (or other girls) were fine at first, but the wife made a fuss and reminded them, or caused them to have a rebellious mentality, and they wanted to make the fake come true.Unfortunately, this kind of thing happens from time to time.And the probability of it happening may not be much lower than that of a brother-in-law stealing a aunt. This is really a ridiculous thing. Wives, however, cannot but maintain their vigilance. In fact, public opinion is no less sensitive to such matters than wives.In any community and unit, if a married man has a slightly closer relationship with an unmarried girl, then it is hard to guarantee that no one will gossip. This sensitivity cannot be said to be completely unreasonable, because the relationship between men and women is inherently sensitive.Although modern society no longer talks about "setting up great defenses between men and women", if the relationship between a man and a woman is too close, there must be a "statement", otherwise it will make people suspicious.Other relationships generally have "arguments".For example, if an unmarried man and woman have a good relationship, it may be "love"; if a married man and a woman have a good relationship, it may be "friendship".Because married men and women each "have a family and a house", and there are people watching both parties, the possibility of "deviation" is always relatively small, so it may as well treat it with kindness.If a married woman has a good relationship with an unmarried man, it may be "caring".Because married women are half like mothers and half like sisters to single men, the possibility of "cheating" is relatively small.If the age gap between the two is large, you can rest assured.The most unreliable thing is that a married man has a good relationship with an unmarried girl.Why do they have a good relationship?No, since there is no, then it is "illegal". Therefore, in the relationship between men and women in China, the people who must pay the most attention to the suspicion of "melon fields and plums" are married men and unmarried girls.Moreover, once something happens, the man who suffers the most is often the man.Because girls can be interpreted as "ignorant" (but they will inevitably be dismissed as "not self-respecting"), while the man has no reason to "justify himself".Needless to say, the wife will get divorced, gossip in the unit, and even the boss comes to talk to her, and the girl's parents may also come to the door to "ask for an explanation."In this way, wouldn't there be an uproar and a discredited reputation? Of course, in the end, both men and women "suffered from it".A girl who "fools around" with a man who has a wife is of course not a "good guy"; a man who already has a wife "seduces" a girl who has no experience in the world is naturally a "rogue".So, is this man and woman really having "adultery"?No one will delve into this, it is nothing more than catching wind and shadows, taking it for granted!However, "taking it for granted" is not against the law, nor is "gossiping".If you want to keep others from gossiping, you have to check your behavior, recognize the boundaries, and don't make troubles without reason.As for the wives, even if it is just to prevent others from gossiping about their husbands and make the front of the house unclean, they cannot but maintain a high degree of vigilance.