Chapter 23 Three wives are not as good as concubines

In traditional Chinese families, the wife plays not a single role, but a "multiple roles".In short, there are at least four tasks for her, namely: assisting her husband, honoring her parents-in-law, educating children and managing housekeeping.Correspondingly, there are four kinds of her role requirements, namely: good wife, good mother, good daughter-in-law and strict wife. These four roles are not easy to play. The so-called "virtuous wife" means "virtuous wife".Theoretically speaking, it is necessary to do all the logistics work well, relieve the husband's worries, create a good family environment, and assist the husband to succeed in his career.On the surface, there is nothing wrong with this.This seems like a reasonable request given the historical conditions in which women cannot go out to work and achieve their own careers.However, we must remember that this role was designed on the premise that "men are superior to women" and "husbands dominate outside and wives dominate inside".That is, it is male-centric.Since the husband is the center of the wife's role design, there is only one standard for a wife's "virtuous" and "unvirtuous", that is, whether the husband is satisfied.Obviously, this is a subjective criterion, not an objective one. "People's hearts are different, and they are as different as faces." Every man has a different personality, and the formation of these personalities is due to temperament, endowment, upbringing, experience and many other reasons. Who can guarantee that every husband has a different personality? Good character?Who can guarantee that every wife has the same character as her husband?Therefore, whether a wife can satisfy her husband is unknown in terms of personality alone.

What's more, in the case of an arranged marriage, many of the husband and wife have never even met each other before marriage, so how can they know each other?Isn't it a "myth" to ask a wife to satisfy her husband without knowing the character of the other party?In the modern era of "free love" couples, there are quite a few couples who find "discordant personalities" after marriage and quarrel, let alone those who are arranged by their parents?However, if the husband is dissatisfied, he can still vent to his heart's content; if the wife is dissatisfied, she can only compromise.This puts the wife in a very embarrassing and embarrassing situation right from the very beginning, and casts an unforgettable shadow on her young heart.

Therefore, in order to be a good wife, wives have no choice but to figure out their husband's psychology and adapt to his personality.To put it bluntly, it is to see the husband's "face".It's not easy, however.Not to mention how painful it is to suppress oneself to adapt to others, nor how long this adaptation is. Even if these difficulties are overcome, there is no guarantee that the husband will recognize her as a good wife, because the husband's personality, interests and requirements Will change.The husband has changed, and the wife can't react, so she still flatters him in the same old way, isn't she just asking for trouble again?

Besides, the husband's request is reasonable or unreasonable; some can be done, and some can't.Just as Jia's mother said when she reprimanded Mrs. Xing: "He forces you to kill, and you kill too?" In such a situation, what should a wife do?It can be seen that it is difficult to be a wife looking at the face of a husband. What's more, a standard "good wife" should not only satisfy her husband, but also make her husband a "good man".For example, let the husband be promising, successful, successful, famous and so on.In other words, a wife not only has the duty to care for and take care of her husband, but also has the duty to assist and even educate her husband.

According to the traditional concept, whether a man is promising or successful, the responsibility of the wife is very important.Because the mother is only responsible for pre-adult education.As soon as a man reaches maturity, he will marry a wife, so the man is handed over to the wife.If the man turned out to be "good for nothing", then the mother would never admit it.Because no mother in the world will admit that her son is not good and her education is not successful.Those who are more tolerant can admit that it is their son's "bad luck"; those who are not tolerant will insist that it is the daughter-in-law who "broke the son's business". There may be three reasons for the "bad things": one is that the daughter-in-law "has a bad fate" and ordered Rickoff;All these three conditions can constitute the conditions for divorce, causing the parents-in-law to ask the daughter-in-law Daxing for their sins.

In traditional society, of course not many wives are willing to be divorced, and not many people are willing to be blamed.What's more, the husband has a successful career, and for the wife, there are also many practical benefits.When the husband gets rich, the wife can "wear gold and silver";On this point, the traditional society is considered "fair": if the husband commits a crime, the wife will be punished;Therefore, generally speaking, even if it is for their own honor and disgrace, a wife would like her husband to stand out. If you want to be a master, you must first endure hardships.The "hardship" mentioned here also includes enjoying a little less sexual pleasure.In the traditional view, sex is a means of procreation.If the problem of succession has been resolved, and there is too much sex life, it will be "prostitution", at least it is also a "plaything", and a "plaything" will be "depressed".In order to keep her husband from "losing his mind", the wife has no choice but to make herself "not fun".That is, becoming less sexy, less attractive, and even less sexual.Of course, love and so on are out of the question.

Not only that, but the wife also has the duty of admonishing and declining the husband's "excessive" sexual demands.This is equivalent to cutting off the "back road" for oneself to fight for love.What's more, the content of the persuasion is not limited to this, but all the "bad" habits or behaviors of the husband.Women used to like nagging, but now that they have the right and obligation, it is inevitable that they will intensify.If the wife is right and has her in-laws backing her up, the husband is of course helpless.But this does not prevent him from hating his wife in his heart, or even ignoring her altogether.In this case, is there still love between husband and wife?

Being a "good wife" is not easy, but being a "good daughter-in-law" is even more difficult. From ancient times to the present, the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law in China has always been a headache.However, in traditional society, being a good daughter-in-law is more important than being a good wife.Because the etiquette has already stipulated: "Women who are obedient are obedient to their uncles (parents-in-law), harmonious to their family members, and then to their husbands." That is to say, filial piety to parents-in-law and harmony with the family are much more important than love between husband and wife.Moreover, in fact, the parents-in-law have more power over the daughter-in-law than the husband.If a wife does not please her husband, or has no feelings for her husband, but as long as the mother-in-law does not speak, the husband will not be able to divorce her, such as Chiang Kai-shek and Lu Xun's first spouse.Conversely, if the mother-in-law doesn't like the daughter-in-law and wants to kick her out, then no matter how good the relationship between husband and wife is, it won't help.For example, Liu Lanzhi, the wife of Jiao Zhongqing, and Tang Wan, the wife of Lu You, are both in Peacock Flying Southeast.Therefore, in order to ensure their own safety, those "smart" women will regard being a good wife as more important than being a good wife.For example, Mrs. Wang hangs around Jia's mother all day to please Jia's mother, but she rarely sees any emotional exchanges between her and Jia Zheng.

So, what kind of daughter-in-law is a "good" daughter-in-law? According to traditional concepts, a standard "good daughter-in-law" should not only respect her parents-in-law, but also have a good character, a decent style, a dignified demeanor, and be unsmiling.Behind these seemingly high-sounding and impeccable requirements are actually the meanings of "no nonsense" and "no romance and liveliness".Regarding this point, traditional Chinese ethics have quite detailed regulations, and some regulations are very specific and meticulous, for example, do not make noise, make noise, hiccup, sneeze, yawn, stretch, and walk on tiptoe in front of your mother-in-law. Walking heavily), you can't squint at each other (of course you can't stare at each other, but you should lower your eyebrows as a submissive gesture), and you can't spit or wipe your nose.It is impossible to talk about how much personality and charm a person can maintain if he is cautious, respectful and restrained.

A good daughter-in-law should not only be "submissive to her aunt", but also "be in harmony with her family", which is another problem.In traditional Chinese big families and big families, not only the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is difficult, but also the relationship between sister-in-law and sister-in-law is often tense.However, a "strict family style" family will never allow "civil strife" to happen.This is only to regulate and suppress the daughters-in-law.The eldest sister-in-law must restrain herself, the younger sister-in-law must be humble, everyone must restrain and suppress themselves, and they must go to the mother-in-law to win praise.I don't care much about my husband!Besides, I put on a show in front of my mother-in-law during the day, did a play all day, and returned to the room at night, exhausted physically and mentally, and it was really hard to have any interest in having sex with my husband again.With this energy, why not think about how to treat your mother-in-law and calculate your sister-in-law tomorrow!

The third task - managing housekeeping well, being a "good housekeeper" is equally difficult. According to the etiquette, after the new daughter-in-law passes through the family, the mother-in-law will hand over the "right to manage the family" and hand over the family to the daughter-in-law to manage.The symbolic ceremony is that after paying homage to uncles and aunts, the parents-in-law go down from the guest seat, and the daughter-in-law goes down from the main seat.From then on, the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law has the meaning of subject-object relationship.However, that being said, there are not many who hand over power happily.Some will "listen to politics behind the curtain", while others "intervene directly".Even the mother-in-law, who really delegates power, still has the highest adjudication power over major household affairs, while the daughter-in-law is just a "clerk".In other words, a daughter-in-law only has "governing power" at most, but no "sovereignty".Sovereignty is still in the hands of the mother-in-law, which is one of the reasons why "the family is difficult to manage". What's more, the old-style big family is already difficult to manage.The so-called housekeeper is nothing more than "governance" and "financial management".Governance is the management of people, and financial management is the management of money.These two things are not easy to do.The former will make her a "thorn in the eye" of everyone, and the latter will make her a "thorn in the flesh" of everyone.The cowardly ones can't handle it, so they have to hide in the house and wash their face with tears, which makes their husband hate it; the more powerful ones will inevitably be hated by others, which makes their own image bad and makes their husband upset.For example, Wang Xifeng is undoubtedly a good housekeeper, but Jia Lian said that she is "the wife of the king of hell" and "Yasha star".Although these words were said by Jia Lian when they were having an affair, they are not entirely true, but it is true that Wang Xifeng's management of the family has affected their relationship as husband and wife. The remaining role that is easier to play is probably the "good mother".Because there is no need for acting, it is all about nature.In fact, in families with arranged marriages, due to the indifference between husband and wife, the tense relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, and discord between mother-in-law and mother-in-law, the only person who can pour affection is the child.However, if you love your children too much, you will inevitably neglect your husband.The more "maternal" a woman is, the less "wifely" she is.At least, in front of the children, the husband and wife should not be too intimate, lest the children look ugly and inappropriate.Needless to say, when the intimacy between husband and wife is eliminated in daily life, it is difficult to imagine that there will be a deep love between them. Indeed, in a traditional Chinese marriage, as soon as a couple has a child, their roles will quickly change from "husband and wife" to "parents", and "the child's father" and "the child's mother" become their mutual relationship. the most common appellation.As "fathers" and "mothers", it seems very embarrassing and unnatural if you are still in bed, or still cursing and flirting under the lamp.This is even more so when the child grows up.Chinese children seem to have a hard time imagining and understanding that their normally serious and loving parents would actually do "that kind of thing", so once they accidentally find out, they will be greatly traumatized in their hearts.Over time, it is natural that the wife becomes more and more "indifferent", while the husband becomes more and more "boring". Therefore, although it may not be difficult to be a "good mother" (in fact, it may not be), it may not have much benefit in enhancing the relationship between husband and wife. Not only is it difficult to play the role of wife, but even if it is done well, it is not very good. The reason is also very simple: a husband and wife will turn her into a follower; persuasion and advice will turn her into a nagging ghost; respect and etiquette will turn her into a fool; Housekeeping will turn good into a dominatrix.And who would like follower, nag, dumb, iron abacus and dominatrix?What's more, under what conditions does a girl in her teens and twenties learn to play these roles!Young, in an unfamiliar environment, isolated and helpless, under the watchful eyes of everyone.Under such conditions, it is not easy to do all the things that are required of her. How can there be any talk of "falling in love" with her husband?What's more, in all these character designs, there is no "love" content at all.If not, how should she do it? Obviously, although the wife that Ming Media is marrying has the highest status, she also has the heaviest burden and the least hope of obtaining love.Rather, the honorable status of a wife is obtained at the expense of love, just as the so-called "if husband and wife are different, father and son are close", the consolidation and maintenance of Chinese families is achieved by alienating husband and wife. In comparison, the burden on concubines is much smaller. A concubine does not have to "advise" her husband, she has no such qualifications; a concubine does not have to "serve" Weng Gu, there is no room for her to speak in front of her parents-in-law; ’, because it is the duty of the wife to raise children.A concubine has only one task, which is to satisfy her husband's request and make him happy.The task is not only single, but also relatively easy to complete.Because most of the so-called "concubines" are pretty.Besides, if you can make your husband happy, it will naturally make your husband love you more.Why not do such a flattering and obedient thing?Moreover, if a concubine can please her husband, other than causing the jealousy of his wife and other concubines, others will not make irresponsible remarks, because that was originally her task.A concubine making her husband happy and loving can only show that she is "doing her duty". Then the husband and concubine are fighting fiercely, aren't they afraid of being said to be "playing things and losing their ambitions"?Do not worry about it.Because generally speaking, those who are eligible to take concubines are mostly "successful and famous" and are eligible to "happy for the rest of their lives".In the past, once a scholar was named on the gold list and became an official of the court, he often had to do four things, which were called: "Prepare him a sedan chair, give him a number, engrave a manuscript for him, and marry him a young lady." , and concubines are among them.If the merits are not successful, the name is not good, and the concubine is messing around, then the wife is not strict in running the family, and the unlucky one is the wife. Speaking of it, this seems fair: since feudal etiquette did not give so many "courtesy" to concubines, concubines did not have to follow so many "rules".At least, in front of her husband, there is no need to dress up and act like a lady.During the day, in front of the master and wife, it is natural to lower your eyebrows and hold your breath, but at night, in front of your husband, it is no harm.Similarly, the husband does not need to be restrained in front of his concubine (the concubine is not qualified to "receive the ceremony"), and he can also behave freely. In this way, the sexual relationship between the husband and the concubine is more relaxed and satisfactory. Therefore, although most concubines are not regarded as People look at it, but some concubines can get real love. They are often taken as concubines by their husbands first, and they are moved in love. Therefore, if a husband really loves them, he will be more than a wife chosen by his parents. For example, after Jia Lian got the second sister You, he "loved her more and more, and liked her more and more. I don't know how to flatter her second sister to get by." Jia Lian even said to the second sister You: "Everyone says our Yasha Po Jun, in my opinion now, I don't even need to pick up your shoes for you. "The so-called "wife is not as good as concubine", this is proof. Of course Jia Lian is a bastard who loves the new and dislikes the old.Later, after he got Qiutong, he left his second sister aside.So Jia Lian's words are not entirely reliable.But in history, there are indeed examples of men having love with their concubines.For example, Liu Shi, the concubine of Tang Dynasty poet Han Xu, was originally the concubine of his friend Li Sheng.After Li Sheng knew what Liu Shi wanted, he presented Liu Shi to Han Xu as a concubine during the banquet for Han Xu.Han and Liu are deeply in love.During the Anshi Rebellion, Liu's family was afraid of being captured by the generals, so he cut his hair and destroyed his shape, and lived in a nunnery. Later, Han Xu entrusted someone to suggest Liu's family and brought a song "Zhangtai Liu": "Zhangtai Liu, Zhangtai Liu , Is the youth of the past still here? Even if the long strip looks like it hangs down, it should be broken by someone else's hands." Seeing the words, Liu couldn't help crying, and the complex word "Willow Branches" said: "Wild willow branches, Fangfei Festival, I hate to give away every year for parting A leaf follows the wind and suddenly announces the autumn, even if the king comes, it will be unbearable." These two poems are sad, beautiful, and elegant in style. They cannot be written without geniuses, and they cannot be written without true feelings. Undoubtedly, the love of Han and Liu was rare in ancient China.In most cases, the husband's relationship with his concubine is just to play with, or even just to vent his desire (such as Jia Zheng's relationship with Aunt Zhao).But even if it's playing around, compared with the "routine" and "ceremony" with your wife, there is always more personal love and more fun, right?Therefore, it is entirely possible that a husband prefers a concubine.What's more, concubines are generally younger and more beautiful than their wives, so they have an advantage in competing for favor.The ancients said: "Marry a wife and marry virtue, take a concubine and accept sex."Even Confucius said: "I have never seen a person who is virtuous and lustful." Of course, "a wife is not as good as a concubine"!In other words, concubines have no status, but they have advantages; wives have important benefits, but they lack true affection.For this kind of situation, the wife who is politely ignored will never be satisfied, and a war between wives and concubines is inevitable.