Chapter 16 a form and content

Husband and wife are the most legitimate of all relationships between men and women. Apart from husband and wife, there are other forms of human sexual relations, such as concubines, prostitutes, cheating, adultery, fornication, and rape.These forms have existed in history, and they have not completely disappeared now.But these forms are not proper, the law does not allow it, and the morality does not support it.Therefore, some of these forms should be restricted (such as concubines), some should be despised (such as adultery), some should be criticized (such as adultery), and some should be punished (such as rape).Among them, except concubinage was once allowed because it was a "quasi-husband relationship", and prostitution was once acquiesced because it could increase the country's financial revenue, other methods can only be underground activities, or semi-public and semi-underground activities. , I don’t see people very much, I can only sneak around, cover up, and sneak around.Only husband and wife, is the aboveboard relationship between men and women.China is like this, foreign countries are like this, and the world is like this.

So, why is the only relationship between husband and wife the most legitimate relationship between men and women?Because people are not animals.Animals are natural beings, while human beings are cultural beings.As a natural existence, the sexual relationship of animals does not need to be regulated or managed, and there is no distinction between civilization and barbarism.Human beings are different. As cultural beings, their sexual relations and behaviors must be regulated and managed, and they must also move from barbarism to civilization.Husband and wife are the historical achievement of the relationship between the sexes of human beings from barbarism to civilization.The formation of this form of civilization has undoubtedly gone through a long historical process, and there is no doubt that there are extremely profound truths in it.As the historical achievement of human gender relations from barbarism to civilization, the relationship between husband and wife is not only the most legitimate relationship between the sexes, but also the most conventional relationship between the sexes. Therefore, it has the greatest impact on shaping the gender roles of men and women.Because as two opposite parties, male and female can only be confirmed by the other side, and can only be generated by the other side.There are men and there are women, and there are women and there are men.A woman is half of a man, and a man is half of a woman.There is a kind of woman for every kind of man, and there is also a kind of man for every kind of woman.In other words, both men and women can exist as men and women only in a certain relationship between men and women.Since the relationship between husband and wife is the most legitimate and conventional relationship between men and women, it will inevitably have an immeasurable impact on the formation of the two gender roles of men and women.

This is especially prominent for Chinese people in traditional society.Because the Chinese in the traditional society are limited by the "great defense between men and women", there is very little communication between men and women.For the vast majority of people, the relationship between husband and wife is almost the only relationship between men and women.Moreover, most Chinese in traditional society marry early.Boys and girls are often married as soon as they reach adulthood.That is to say, when they first entered the state of gender roles, they were either husbands or wives.In this way, the relationship between husband and wife has to have a major impact on the shaping and generation of their gender roles.It is for this reason that when we discuss the relationship between the sexes in China, we must first discuss the relationship between husband and wife.

Marriage is what unites two people, a man and a woman. Marriage is a big event for Chinese people. Just because it is a big event, I dare not be sloppy.In traditional Chinese society, the specific operation of marriage matters is generally to go through and perform the following statutory or agreed procedures: The first step is called "Na Cai", which is commonly known as "Shuo matchmaking" in modern times, that is, the matchmaker first goes to the woman's home to state the man's marriage proposal It means asking about the age and zodiac sign of the girl who is waiting for the word, and then the man’s family will ask a magician to "marry" to calculate whether the zodiac is compatible and whether the marriage is auspicious. If both parties agree, the man will send a goose to the woman as a " It is also called "committee bird" because of the gift of accepting and choosing.After the Song Dynasty, sheep, wine, and colored satin were used as gifts, which was called "knocking on the door".The second step is called "name asking", which is commonly known as "engagement" in modern times, that is, the two parties formally exchange invitations, even detailing the name, honor title, and residence of the two or three generations and the officiant.The third step is called "Naji", which is commonly known as "Xiaopin" in modern times, that is, the man's family asks the ancestral temple for divination about his ancestors, and if he finds a fortune teller, he goes to the woman's family and sends a wedding gift (usually women's clothing), and the woman's family Also send a reply gift (usually crown shoes and four treasures of the study), and the marriage contract is established.The fourth step is "Na Zheng", commonly known as "betrothal gift" in modern times, that is, a few days before the wedding, the man will send the agreed betrothal money, cloth, clothes, jewelry, gift cakes and other things to the woman's family in a grand ceremony.After receiving it, the daughter's family distributed it to relatives, friends and neighbors to show that her daughter will be married soon.The fifth step is called "asking for a date", which is commonly known as "choosing auspiciousness" in modern times, that is, the man's family chooses an auspicious date for marriage and informs the woman.The sixth step is called "welcome in person", that is, on the day of the wedding, the groom will lead the drums, the guard of honor, and the colorful sedan chair (commonly known as the sedan chair) to the bride's home to marry the bride with courtesy and return home together.This section is the most solemn and important of the above six procedures, and the so-called "wedding" usually starts from here.From the pre-Qin period to the present day, from high-ranking officials to common people, everyone greets them personally on their wedding day, except for the emperor because he is supreme.At the same time, it is also the highest honor and favor that a woman can enjoy in her life in traditional society, so it has always been valued by women. If there is no sedan chair, she will never marry.The above six procedures are collectively called "Six Ceremonies".Those who marry according to the six rituals are called "marriage by a clear matchmaker", which has unshakable legitimacy.

However, it is precisely in this solemn, serious, rigorous and almost cumbersome ceremony that we do not see any subjective initiative of the male and female parties.Moreover, except that the bride has the right to ask the groom to greet her (this is often the request of the woman's family), and the groom is obliged to lead the marriage with drums, music, ceremonies, and colorful marriages, we do not see any rights and obligations for them. The most important "big event" in a person's life seems to be someone else's business.Choices, decisions and operations are all done and contracted by others, and the parties involved are like puppets on a string, at the mercy of others. This is really a strange thing!What's even more strange is that for thousands of years, the procedures of most people's marriages have been roughly the same, and basically no one thinks there is anything wrong with it. What is the reason?In other words, whose big deal is marriage?

In fact, the purpose of traditional Chinese marriage is very clear.For this purpose, use "Book of Rites.According to the words in "Hun (marriage) righteousness", it is "to combine the two sexes well, to serve the ancestral temple at the top, and to inherit the future generations at the bottom".In other words, the purpose of marriage is nothing more than two: one is to establish "kinship" for two opposite-sex families, and the other is to inherit "blood" for the man's family.In other words, it is "inheritance" and "connection".

Let's talk about "Jitong" first. Inheritance includes two contents, that is, "the upper body serves the ancestral temple" and "the lower body inherits the future generations".According to this theory, the marriage between a man and a woman is not for their own happiness first, or even for their parents, but for the man's family to have an explanation in front of the ancestors.Because the ancestors created this clan, they hope that the descendants will prosper and prosper continuously.At least, I also hope that future generations will not be too incompetent.Now, a member of the clan has "married a daughter-in-law", which means that he is very "successful", already a grown-up, capable, responsible person who can continue the clan blood.This is enough to comfort the ancestors, otherwise the ancestors will lose face and make the ancestors "ashamed to see others" in the underground (actually "ashamed to see ghosts").Therefore, if a young man refuses to marry or is unable to marry, he will humiliate his ancestors and be sorry to his ancestors.Therefore, in order to live up to the expectations of the "ancestor", even if you don't want to, you have to get married.

Of course, the wishes of the ancestors are also the wishes of the parents.Therefore, after the bride enters the family, the ceremony of becoming a wife and the ceremony of "meeting in the temple" must be held. The "marriage ceremony" is "worshiping uncles (parents-in-law)", which is held in the early morning of the next day of welcoming the relatives.At that time, the bride will bathe and dress up, meet her parents-in-law, and offer jujube, chestnut, and delicacies (duan xiu, that is, dried meat), which means "respect early and self-cultivate constantly", and then present grand delicacies.After the meal, the aunt and aunt stepped down from the guest seat, and the bride stepped down from the main seat, which means that the family will be handed over to the daughter-in-law from now on.

"Temple meeting ceremony", that is, the bride and her husband will go to the family temple of the husband's family or the ancestor's tablet to hold a worship ceremony.If the aunt is dead when you get married, you have to go to the family temple or in front of the memorial tablet to worship the aunt three months later, and say: "I have come to your house to be a wife." After this, the identity of the new daughter-in-law will be confirmed. If it is officially confirmed, otherwise it will be called "unidentified concubine".Du Fu's "Farewell to the Newly Married" says: "It is too hasty to say goodbye in the evening and morning! The identity of the concubine is not clear, so why pay homage to the aunt." Girl, a daughter-in-law is not a daughter-in-law, it's too miserable.

To make matters worse, if the bride dies within three months of the temple meeting ceremony, she cannot be buried in her husband's cemetery, and the body must be transported back to her mother's home.Because she hasn't been recognized by her husband's grandparents, she can't be considered a member of her husband's family.Since the birth is not from the husband's family, of course the death is not from the husband's family ghost.Her marriage is considered white. However, there is another more important content of "Shangyi Shizongmiao", which is to help the ancestral temple continue to burn.According to the etiquette, only men can offer sacrifices to the ancestral temple, and women have no right to offer sacrifices, nor have the right to inherit bloodlines.Therefore, marriage has another clear purpose - to have a son.

This task, of course, "historically" falls on the daughter-in-law. After marriage, a son must be born, which is known to almost every old-fashioned daughter-in-law.As early as when she was married, her mother had told her all her ups and downs, hoping that she would "be successful in her stomach" after she got married.When entering the door of the husband's house, the husband's house should cover the floor with pockets, and let the bride walk over it.The bags that passed by were quickly passed to the front and spread on the ground.In this way, bag by bag is passed on, bag by bag (meaning "passed down from generation to generation").This is tantamount to clearly declaring the primary task of the newcomers after they get started—carrying on the family line. This task is really difficult. Anyone with a little modern scientific knowledge knows that after a man and a woman get married, whether to have a boy or a girl, or even whether to have children, is not determined by the subjective wishes of the two people, let alone the wife's unilateral decision.To put it bluntly, it mostly depends on luck.Theoretically speaking, there may be four situations for a couple to have children after marriage: both boys and girls, only boys, only girls, and neither boys nor girls.Of course, there is no problem in having only boys: having one is "happy son", having two is "dragon soaring and tiger leaping", having three is "three tigers are tigers", having four is "four kings", and having five is " General of the Five Tigers". "There are five tiger generals in the family, and half of the earth emperor," the fathers and fellow villagers all looked at him differently and did not dare to bully or neglect.It is okay to have both boys and girls, which is called "both sons and daughters", which is also regarded as a blessed thing.It is customary in some places to put red dates and chestnuts on the marriage bed, which means "early birth"; put lotus seeds, which means "continuously get children"; There are all kinds of designs and colors, and you can enjoy family happiness.In both cases, good luck. The most unlucky thing is not to give birth to any, which will be considered as the "family misfortune" of the husband's family.The common people would say: "The hen still lays eggs, how can there be a woman who doesn't have children?" Therefore, this woman may be dismissed, because she "has no birth", which is enough to be dismissed.It is also bad to only have a girl, because she will give birth to "losing goods", which is equivalent to a factory director who makes the company lose money every year. Of course, the board of directors will remove him from his post.Therefore, a daughter-in-law who only gave birth to a girl has only two options: she can either be divorced because she is also "no child"; or she can continue to give birth without stopping until she gives birth to a boy.No matter what the future is, it is miserable for a woman. Of course, it is also possible not to be divorced, but the husband must agree to take a concubine.Since you yourself are "incapable" of giving birth to boys, you allow others to take the place of you, and you have to tolerate your husband doting on concubines who can give birth to boys.Of course, this kind of life will not be easy.But since the purpose of marriage is "inheritance", even if the women are full of resentment, what can they do? Let's talk about "bonding". "Fate" is relative to "unity".Lineage is blood, which is a vertical blood relationship system.It takes the "father-son" relationship as the core and extends upwards and downwards to form a patrilineal blood group composed of great-grandfather, great-grandfather, grandfather, father, myself, son, grandson, great-grandson, and great-great-grandson. Called "Father's Family".The lineage of this group is called "blood lineage", also called "paternal lineage". Predestined relationship is blood relationship, which is a horizontally spread kinship system.It takes the non-blood relative "husband and wife" relationship as the core, and spreads to the surrounding area by virtue of the kinship relationship between husband and wife, forming the so-called "relative" relationship among the people.Among them are blood relatives (such as cousins) and non-blood relatives (such as son-in-law, brother-in-law).Generally speaking, only blood relatives have blood relationship, and non-blood relatives have no blood relationship, but although there is no blood relationship between non-blood relatives, they are within the "kinship" relationship. It can be seen that the level of "Yuan" is lower than that of "Tong".Tradition is innate, fate is man-made; tradition is inherent, fate is found.The word fate originally has meanings such as edge, entanglement, climbing, implicating, following along, and relying on.It can be seen that "fate" does not come naturally, but depends on people to "knot", so it is called "fate". So, why do you want to get married?Because if you want to inherit the lineage, you have to have children, and men and women in the same bloodline cannot marry.Therefore, in order to establish a family, expand a family, and continue a race, one must form a relationship with a family other than blood.This is called "marriage".Marriage is the cause, in-laws are "being married because of it", and marriage is "becoming married because of it".With this kind of marriage, you can become as close as family without being close. In fact, the original meaning of the word "marriage" is "bonding".Marriage is when a man marries a wife, and marriage is when a woman marries a husband.Therefore, the father of a wife (father-in-law) is called "marriage", the father of a husband (father-in-law) is called "marriage", and the relationship between them is called "marriage".In other words, marriage has never been just a matter between a husband and wife, but also a matter between two families. It is the relationship between two families with different surnames, which is called "combining two surnames is good".This sentence is really "good"!Because the word "good" originally came from the combination of "female" and "son".There is a "daughter" in your family, and a "son" in our family. When they are reconciled, they are "good", and they are also called "a century-old good".This kind of hello, me, everyone's good, why not do it? Therefore, when a man and a woman have feelings for each other, everyone will say that they are "on the hook".However, in traditional marriages in ancient China, it is not two people who "get married", but two families. There are many "benefits" to forming ties. The biggest advantage is that it makes two families who are not related by blood related.Chinese people attach great importance to pro, and "pro" is nothing more than two or three types.One type is "direct" blood relatives, such as father and son, grandparents, etc., and the other is "collateral" blood relatives, including patrilineal offshoots (such as grandparents and clan brothers in the "Five Services") and maternal relatives (such as cousins) brothers, cousins).These two types are all "blood relatives", because they have more or less common genetic factors and more or less blood ties.The other has only one category, the "in-laws".There is no blood relationship between in-laws. It is said that they should not be relatives, but they have become "pros". This is the credit of marriage.Precisely because marriage can bring unrelated people closer, marriage is also called "marriage". The first to "marry" (become relatives) is of course the husband and wife.However, because marriage is not a matter of two people first, but a matter of two families, the beneficiaries are not limited to the husband and wife, but to the whole of the husband and wife, and thus create many "pro" relationships. Come, such as in-laws (both parents), brother-in-law (sister's husband, also known as Ya, Liao-in-law, friend-in-law, hand-in-hand, a load, etc.), sister-in-law (brother's wife, called Di Si in ancient times), and other unknown purpose in-laws.All of a sudden, the team of "pro" has grown on a large scale. What are the benefits of being a "pro"?There are many benefits! "It's a three-pointer."The Chinese treat people and things, talk and do things, and never ask right and wrong, only about relatives.Even if your relatives have committed a crime, you must protect them.If the law enforcement officer is a relative, the board should be played more lightly, and he may even be released in private.In ancient Chinese society, the legal system was not perfect, there were many unjust, false and wrongly decided cases, and unwarranted disasters came from time to time. If there were no relatives to help, life would be difficult.With relatives, good people have helpers, and bad people have accomplices, so no matter good people or bad people, they all pay attention to karma. What's more, the matter of getting married is endless.Zhang's family became attached to Li's family, Li's family became attached to Wang's family, and Zhang's family also became attached to Zhao's family. As a result, Zhang Wang and Li Zhao became "relatives".Climbing on like this, the melons and vines tear the willow leaves, naturally "all brothers in the world".Therefore, "my daughter-in-law, her natal nephew's sister-in-law's brother-in-law's brother, her brother-in-law's brother", this kind of irreconcilable relationship is also a relative.With this kind of relative relationship, going to the government office to do business, at least you can get a smiling face, and you won't have to put on a straight face to deal with business. Who said it's not good?Since marriage has so many benefits, why is it not valued by the Chinese people? It can be seen from this that for traditional Chinese marriage, the marriage of a man and a woman is just a formality; the content is the marriage of two families and ensuring the continuity of the man's family's descendants. However, whether it is a relationship or succession, it is only a "family" matter, not an "individual" matter.It is just a continuation of the old family, not the beginning of a new family; it is the addition of a member to the man's family and the addition of relatives to the woman's family, rather than a partner for both parties.Since it is not a personal matter, of course the parties concerned do not need to worry about it, ask questions, or participate in it. They just need to "sit back and enjoy the success" completely according to "the order of the parents and the words of the matchmaker".