Chapter 6 A good wife and mother

Compared with men, there are a little more types of women in traditional Chinese society.Among these types, the one with the largest number, the most respected, and the most feminine characteristics is the so-called "good wife and loving mother" type. The tradition of being a good wife and loving mother has a long history, dating back to the Zhou Dynasty. Since then, it has been the most basic and most respected moral requirement for women in traditional Chinese society.Not only do men require their wives to be good wives and mothers, women (as long as they are "good women") will almost consciously strive to be good wives and mothers.

Literally, there is nothing wrong with being a good wife and a good mother. We can't ask women to be "bad wives and mothers", right?Wishing a woman to be a "good wife and mother" is just like wishing a man to be a "good husband and good father".At least, there may be some requirements for a "good father", for example, "it is the father's fault whether to raise or not to teach".But the next sentence should be followed by another sentence "teaching is not strict, the teacher is lazy".It can be seen that the so-called "parental education" just means that when a child (usually only boys) reaches the age of school, the father has the responsibility to send him to school or hire a tutor for him.He can't care about other things.At most, it is nothing more than asking him to play a role model of "precept and example" in terms of morality.

In fact, tutoring in traditional Chinese society has always been the responsibility of mothers.Therefore, when people think that a child "lacks family education", they will call him "motherless" or "motherless", and will never blame his father.It can be seen that a father at home is actually not responsible for the growth and education of his children.Such matters, without exception, should be taken care of by the "good mother".Therefore, if a middle-aged man who has lost his wife (or divorced) raises his children alone, he will receive widespread sympathy from the society, thinking that it is really not easy for him to "be both a father and a mother" by himself.On the contrary, if a widow raises the children alone, of course she will also win sympathy, but the sympathy will never be on the point of raising children, because that is originally a woman's "vocation".

A man has no obligation to be a "good father", let alone a "good husband".In traditional Chinese society, there are only virtuous or unvirtuous wives, but no virtuous or unvirtuous husbands.In other words, husbands seem to be naturally virtuous, and it is only the wives who may be unvirtuous.Therefore, there are only those who divorce their wives because of their unworthiness, but not their husbands because of their unworthiness.There are also those who voluntarily ask for a divorce from their husbands (such as the wife of Zhu Maichen in the Han Dynasty), but most of them are because the husband is "poor and lowly" rather than "unworthy".

Obviously, being a good wife and loving mother is a unilateral requirement for women and an "unequal treaty" between husband and wife.If we blindly praise so-called good wives and loving mothers without analysis, we are undoubtedly praising this unequal relationship.As Zhou Enlai pointed out in his article "On "Good Wife and Mother" and Motherhood" written in 1942, as long as this old fixed term is maintained, it will first fall into the position of patriarchal society. In fact, the good wives and good mothers in traditional Chinese society are not only designed unilaterally according to the requirements of men, but also to a certain extent, this design is against the nature of women.

Let's look at the so-called "virtuous wife" first. The literal meaning of virtuous wife is "good wife", but its actual content is often "good wife".In traditional Chinese society, the primary criterion for a good wife is not to be considerate to her husband, but to respect her parents-in-law.If honoring parents-in-law is just supporting the elderly in the modern sense, there is nothing wrong with it.In other words, honoring father-in-law and mother-in-law should be promoted in the same way as honoring father-in-law and mother-in-law.But unfortunately, "filial piety to parents-in-law" in traditional society is often synonymous with "being a cow and horse"; and the specific connotation of "good daughter-in-law" is often almost "good slave".A good daughter-in-law must take the will of her parents-in-law as her will, her feelings as her feelings, her likes and dislikes as her likes and dislikes, her parents-in-law's right and wrong as her right and wrong, and even her diet must take her parents-in-law's taste as her taste. "I went to the kitchen for three days, washed my hands and made soup. I didn't know my aunt's (mother-in-law's) food habits, so I sent my sister-in-law to taste it first." The reason is also very simple: whether a woman is a good daughter-in-law or not must first be judged by her parents-in-law.Of course, not all daughters-in-law are inferior.If she can meet a good-tempered father-in-law and a talkative mother-in-law, she may live a more relaxed life and even enjoy the warmth of the family.However, in China, the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law has always been a permanent problem, not to mention whether a woman can find a good mother-in-law depends entirely on her luck.

What's more, the interpersonal relationships that a "good daughter-in-law" has to deal with are not limited to mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, there may be aunts and sisters-in-law.Although these people are not the highest judges, most of them are also qualified as judges, and their picky eyes may not be inferior to mother-in-law.Living in such an environment, those who want to be a "good daughter-in-law" have to "behave with their tails between their legs", suppress their own nature, stifle their emotions, twist their hearts, and try to please and cater to a large number of strangers, Aloof, and possibly even hostile people.

So, under these conditions, what kind of woman is most likely to receive favorable comments?Most of them are mediocre women, or women who are not mediocre but good at hiding clumsiness, such as Mrs. Wang and Xue Baochai in the novel.Mrs. Wang is the most unfeminine woman in Jia's mansion, and Xue Baochai is a widow, but they are regarded as good wives.Wang Xifeng is feminine, smart and capable, but although she is favored by her ancestors and favored by Mrs. Wang, her mother-in-law doesn't like her, and no one seems to call her a good wife. In addition to "respecting her parents-in-law", a good wife must also "obey her husband", that is, take her husband's likes and dislikes as her likes and dislikes, and take her husband's will as her will.In other words, whether in front of her parents-in-law or her husband, she must completely lose her independent personality and free will.

Not only is this unreasonable, but it is actually very difficult to do.For example, being submissive to a husband certainly includes satisfying his sexual desires.However, a good wife must "not be promiscuous". "Not promiscuous" includes not only not having sexual relations with any man other than the husband, but also not having excessive sexual relations with the husband.Because of excessive sex life, it is considered to be bad for a man's body.So, when a husband makes a sexual request, should a good wife agree, or should she refuse?Rejecting is "disobedient"; agreeing is "shameless".After all, women are bad.Therefore, those good wives had no choice but to deal with it in this way: try their best to satisfy their husbands' requirements, so as not to bear the charge of "contradicting"; try not to show the charm of women in front of their husbands, so as not to bear the charge of "lewdness".This is one of the reasons why the good wives in Chinese history were mostly "carried out" by people who lacked femininity.

Even when the husband's request obviously hurts them, good wives can't protect their legal rights, but should express their firm support and "help the evildoers".For example, if a husband wants to take a concubine, a truly good wife must not only support it, but also do it herself.The most virtuous and virtuous wife should be her husband who drove someone to him before he even spoke, which made him overjoyed and shouted "Madam is virtuous".For example, Jia She (an old pervert) in the movie fell in love with Yuanyang, the maid next to Jiamu, and his wife, Mrs. Xing, hurriedly went out in person: talking to Yuanyang, passing words to Yuanyang's elder brother and sister-in-law, I went to Jia's mother again to inquire about information, but in the end I met with a thorn in the boss, and even Jia's mother didn't take it seriously: "You are also 'three obediences and four virtues', but this virtuousness is too much!" "He forced you to kill, and you also Kill?" In the end, it was this woman who was unlucky: she lost her personality and face, she failed to protect her own rights, and she failed to become a "good wife".

We know that in a relationship between the sexes, whether it is a man's jealousy or a woman's jealousy, it is human nature.Since the standard of a good wife requires a woman not to be jealous, it is tantamount to asking a woman not to be a woman.In fact, Mrs. Xing is another example of the lack of femininity in the Jia family.But Mrs. Wang's lack of femininity is due to "false prudence", and Mrs. Xing's lack of femininity is due to "not famous".Although they are disgusting, they are also really pitiful. It's not easy to be a good wife, but what about a good mother?It may not be easy to be.Some people say that maternal love is a woman's nature, and being a good mother is always relatively easy.actually not.In fact, not all mothers are good mothers.Because a good wife and a good mother are a whole, a good mother must be promoted from a good wife.If a woman has not obtained the qualifications of a good wife, then it is often very problematic for her to be a good mother. However, even a good wife may not necessarily be a good mother.First she must be fertile.Infertile women often cannot even keep their status as good wives, unless they make up for it by taking the initiative to take concubines for their husbands.Next she had to have a boy.It is also very troublesome to only have girls and not boys.Third, the son she bears must also grow into a man.If her son is not successful, she will not only fail to be a good mother, but she may also be charged with "teaching her son poorly". Therefore, for these women, having a son has become the overriding top priority.Lucky women may have "early sons" shortly after marriage.This kind of good luck may even make her be regarded as a good wife immediately without going through too many tests, because for a family of several generations or parents-in-law who are eager for grandchildren, this in itself is a virtue.But this by no means means that she can let it go easily, because there are still tasks of "raising" and "teaching" waiting for her.Moreover, it was not until her son became famous and honored his ancestors that the crown of "good mother" she had been looking forward to for a long time fell on her head.This is often a lengthy process.As for those women who are unlucky and have no children or only give birth to girls, they may wish to become reproductive machines for the rest of their lives.The price a woman pays for this is often unimaginable to a man.Too many births make them age prematurely, so there is an ancient saying that "women lose their looks when they are thirty".In fact, a 30-year-old young woman is more sexually mature, so she may not be less attractive.The reason for the "fading" is probably mainly due to premature birth and too much birth.Even those pampered ladies with few children lose their femininity fairly early, because they have to be "good mothers."This also means etiquette, demeanor, role model, model at the same time.Therefore, they must become "dignified" so as not to be "unseemly" and "unseemly" in front of their children.For example, a young woman in her twenties and thirties can act like a baby in front of her husband, and this is one of the ways to increase her femininity, but it obviously goes against the image of a good mother.There are only coquettish children in the world, how can there be a coquettish mother?There is no other way, in order to be a "good mother", I have no choice but to give up my son-daughter relationship and attitude. Therefore, the mothers of those heroes are often wrinkled and white-haired.For a woman, this is really a heavy loss. In fact, although a good mother in China must be promoted from a good wife according to the rules, in reality, the composition of a good mother is often much greater than that of a good wife.Even, as long as a woman is recognized as a good mother, generally no one will doubt her status as a good wife. Indeed, most Chinese women are more willing and better at being mothers than wives.This kind of psychology is probably half from the nature of women, and half from the precepts and deeds of their own mothers.In traditional Chinese society, girls rarely have the opportunity to go out to school, and some even have few opportunities to go out to play. Their world is their family, and the traditional Chinese family is actually composed of one or several mothers. to host.Therefore, their mothers are the first teachers and authoritative guides in their life classes, and what they see in their mothers is the shadow of their future.Undoubtedly, they see their mothers less as wives than as mothers.This gives them a natural yearning and pleasure in being a mother, or at least takes it for granted. Therefore, traditional Chinese women often show maternal nature when they are girls. For example, they will act as mothers to young siblings or widowed fathers, caring and considerate.Such girls, after marriage, will often become standard good wives and mothers, and even give mother-like care and protection to their husbands, allowing them to open their mouths for food, stretch out their hands for clothes, and enjoy their success and happiness.If you marry a husband who is younger than yourself, this kind of doting will be increased, so there is a saying that "female juniors hold gold bricks".A wife is two or three years older than her husband, so it's hard to say whether she can hold a gold brick or not, but it's entirely possible for her to love her husband half as a younger brother and half as a son. Correspondingly, in this marriage model, it is difficult for the husband to be a "good husband and good father", but most of them are "prodigal sons and urchins".To them, marriage is nothing more than passing from the arms of one woman to the arms of another.Then, you can do things in the arms of the first woman (for example, breastfeeding), and you can do something in the arms of the latter woman (in disguise); what is your attitude towards the former woman (for example, love and fear) , you can adopt this attitude towards the latter woman (so there are many stories about being afraid of your henpeck), and the latter woman tends to adopt this same attitude.As Zhang Mingyuan said in the book "The Curve of Chinese Life", the relationship between many husbands and wives in China is "just like the relationship between an arrogant son and a gentle mother." Therefore, Chinese ladies, when they see a son in distress, they will suddenly feel like helping him.At this time, they often don't care about their identities, their faces, their family style, and their family rules. ) into her arms, and placed under her wings, just like an old hen taking care of her chicks, preventing them from being snatched away by eagles.It's no wonder that the stories of distressed companies being rescued by Miss Passionate emerge in endlessly, spread widely, and are popular for a long time.Of course, these troubled companies are without exception the frail young men who are sad and sick, and they are beautiful boys with a baby voice, and these amorous ladies are without exception the future good wives and mothers.If a man can marry such a wife, he is certainly lucky; and if a woman can play such a role, she feels very satisfied.Therefore, this kind of drama is loved by both men and women.Men look forward to having such an affair and blessing, and women hope that they can also show their talents in the same way. In fact, Chinese men often rely on women for protection.Because they have been protected by women since they were young, and they are also controlled by women.At home, children are disciplined by their mothers; outside, children are also maintained by their mothers.The school held parent-teacher meetings, and most of the people present were mothers; when the child was bullied outside, most of the people who came forward to negotiate were mothers.Even the matter of finding a partner and marrying a daughter-in-law is mostly done by the mother through the matchmaker (another woman) or her own sisters and god-sisters.The mother is always more concerned with the object of her son than the father.This is not entirely because mothers love their sons more, nor is it entirely because women are more interested in such things, but also because this incident means that mothers have to hand over the baton of maternal love. How is the character. Thus, in traditional Chinese society, there appeared two diametrically opposed and seemingly incompatible phenomena: on the one hand, "men are superior to women" and "husbands guide wives", women are placed under the enslavement and oppression of men; On the other hand, "the generalization of maternal love" and "the prosperity of yin and the decline of yang", men should be protected and pampered by women.Here, we can also see the differences between Chinese and Western cultures: Western heroes save beauties, Chinese young ladies save sons; Western beauties love heroes, and Chinese boys love their mothers.Therefore, Westerners like to find a "godfather" for their children, while Chinese people like to recognize their children as "godmother". The results of it?The result is naturally that some men become more and more weak, even feminized, and at the same time, a considerable number of women replace their wives with maternity, or even only have maternity without wives. Maternity is of course also feminine.But if there is only motherhood, it cannot be considered a complete woman.