Chapter 18 train guessing

August 2002 Qi Ming A lonely person always remembers everyone who has appeared in his life with his heart, so I always think of you endlessly.On every night when the stars fall, count my loneliness over and over again. My name is Qi Ming and I live in Zhejiang. I wander around the campus with a shoulder bag on my back every day. My hair hangs long in front of my eyes. When the shade and sunlight enter my eyes, they become messy fragments and silhouettes. , A period of time is like fragmentation.This summer I turned 19 years old, I stood in the middle of the phoenix flower, but no one said happy birthday to me.

I don't like talking, says Grunow: Talking to someone you don't like is raping your own tongue.The girl I like is Lan Xiao. She has smooth hair and a bright smile. She loves to talk and laugh.Every night after self-study, she always pushes her bicycle home alone, and I walk behind her with my guitar on my back.We were separated by a distance and did not speak to each other.Just looking at her like that, I feel very happy, because I can protect her and prevent her from getting hurt. After watching her walk down the hallway, I turned and walked away, going home, whistling loudly as I walked into the dark.

But in the past, when we were both children, I would always take her home on a bicycle, with a happy smile and youth on the bicycle. In the hot summer of 2002, I and some boys who were as laid-back as me stood on the edge of the railroad tracks outside the train station every day, listening to the train passing by in a hurry, like a heavy thunder sounding overhead, hitting the ground one after another. on my shoulders.Occasionally there will be rain, and when the scorching raindrops fall on my face, I will wonder if I am crying. Thinking of Lan Xiao, my tears are like heavy rain, I haven't cried like this for a long time.

This summer seems to be frozen and elongated infinitely, like that silent black railroad track, with no way to see, no end in sight. Every day when the sun disappears behind the mountains and the shadows cover my hair, I will lie on the concrete floor next to the railway tracks, look at the sky, and think of Lan Xiao.I miss her very much, the sunlight reflected by her white skirt in summer, and her serious look when doing the test papers.I wanted to call her, but my cell phone was dead.I forgot how many days I hadn't been home.Because going home is also lonely, the empty room is full of air conditioning, there is no food and no anger.

I always hallucinate whenever a train speeds past me, I always see myself jumping onto the track, and then my head flies high into the sky, my body spreads out like a lotus flower on the track, and the air The fragrance of Lan Xiao's hair came. Somewhere, the evening bell rang. C sings in the direction the sun is falling, leaving us with a silhouette with blurred edges.He sings that whenever you see the red sunset again, whenever you hear the evening bell again, the bits and pieces of the past will surge up in my sad heart before it's too late. I suddenly thought of the little prince, the lonely child who watched the sunset forty-three times a day, the child who guarded his only rose.

When the whole garden was full of roses and he couldn't find his flower, he knelt down and cried sadly. In August 1999, Lan Xiao, you told a joke. I would laugh for several days, but when I saw you cry once, I was sad for several years. Summer is my favorite season, because the sky is extraordinarily vast and clear, which is rare in the south.I like to look up at the sky at a forty-five-degree angle, and sometimes I can hear the birds chirping through the sky. After signing up from the school, I stood at the school gate and waited for the bus. While looking at the sky, I thought that I was a high school student now, and I no longer needed to wear those obedient school uniforms like a kindergarten child.

Hey, that classmate, you are a freshman, can you lend me your mobile phone? I looked up and saw a boy riding a bicycle, with long hair flying in the wind, his smile was as clear as water, he seemed very happy, because his white teeth were all exposed when he smiled.I saw that he had two pointed canine teeth. I handed over the phone, and three seconds later I started to regret it, because he happily greeted people in Mandarin: Oh, boy, you are actually in Beijing!Then I watched him with a particularly painful facial expression, playing on his mobile phone happily and vigorously, and then he simply got off the bicycle, and then paced back and forth frequently changing positions.

Ten minutes later, he handed the phone to me, and asked me innocently with wide-eyed eyes: Why is it out of battery? I said "I am a lady" three times in my heart and then smiled and said: So classmate, do you want me to go home and charge you? He tilted his head and seemed to think about it seriously, and then said: No need, it's almost over anyway. I swear to God I really want to kick him. When I turned around and walked two or three steps, he called me from behind: that mobile phone sister, do you want to invite me to dinner? I turned around and said: Do you want to invite me to dinner?

He shook his head and said, no, no, you invited me to dinner, because I don't have any money with me today.Then he graciously turned out all his pockets to show me. I swear to God begging God to bring him back to life after I kicked him, I'm going to kick him again. During the roll call the next day, I heard the teacher call Qi Ming, and then a familiar voice behind me said: Here!I turned around and saw that guy's canine teeth. He seemed very happy and asked me, sister mobile phone, why are you sitting in front of me? Because I committed Tai Sui this year.I swear to God in my heart for the third time.

Then Qi Ming became my classmate. Every day I could see him wearing different styles of expensive clothes dangling in front of me.I said you are clean enough to eat.He is always smiling. That summer in my memory is as brisk as a youth movie without sadness, every scene is full of brilliance, no matter when I look back, what I see is happiness and no sadness. Maybe it was because the summer went by so quickly.I said this to myself many years later. August 2002 Qi Ming Whenever this season comes, I like to hang out on the street, watching the wind blow through the whole city, through every luxuriant tree, through my last youth, my 19 years old.

When walking through the cracks in this city, I always like to look up at the blue sky exposed from the rooms in the upper floors, and I can hear the sound of the wind passing through the cracks. Lan Xiao is waiting for her grades at home. I know she did very well in the college entrance examination, but I did very poorly in the exam.When I heard the grades on the phone, I felt something suddenly pressed against my chest, and then quickly evacuated, and something deep in my chest was taken away.I was so sad that I couldn't even cry.I dialed the number one at a time to the information desk and heard the number three times over and over again that made me think I had heard it wrong.After hanging up the phone, I squatted on the side of the road. There were many cars and people passing by me. I heard the sound of glass shattering. I called Lan Xiao, but I couldn't make a sound while holding the phone.But she knew it was me.She said, don't be sad, I've already checked your score for you, and I know you didn't do well in the exam.Then my tears flowed easily.Those tears fell on the hot ground in big drops, and quickly evaporated without even a trace.I suddenly began to understand that in this hot summer, many things will be evaporated, and there will be no traces left. I started to hang out with some unrepentant boys in the dark bottom of this city, squandering my youth and life.Amidst the earthquake-like rock music in the bar, I can no longer remember the song I sang to Lan Xiao by playing the guitar. Memory is like water poured in the palm of your hand. Whether you spread it out or hold it tightly, the water will always flow cleanly from your fingers, drop by drop. I don't know where my future is rooted, or if I have no future at all.Those few friends and I planned to study in a private university in Xi'an, but it was ridiculous that we didn't even have enough registration fee. If I asked my mom, no doubt I would get enough money to "buy" that college diploma, but I don't want to see my mom ever since she left my dad.Also I don't want to see my dad anymore, since he left my mom. So the few of us stood alone in the hustle and bustle of the city, without purpose or direction.As those very hypocritical people say, we are sick children living in the dark, with blue faces and jagged eyes. But we are not cynical, we are not ostentatious, we are just silent, silent for a long time, lying on the platform outside the station, listening to the train passing by, looking at the hot yellow sky above us, watching the birds galloping away, some Birds would get shot suddenly and fall straight down. My memory began to blur, because I can no longer think of myself wearing a clean white shirt and Lan Xiao standing under the shade of a tree, I can't remember my clear and clean laughter, and I can't remember Lan Xiao's first time on my birthday The way I blushed when I was given a brochure, not remembering us skipping class to watch a movie or find a sun-soaked lawn to sleep on. I can't think of my seventeen years old, or the summer when the phoenix flower bloomed for the first time. September 2000 Lan Xiao I count your smiles every day, but even when you smile, you are so lonely.They say your smile is beautiful and carefree. I got to know Qi Ming quickly, and while I was screaming on the back of his bike, there was no teacher telling us the legend about the unripe fruits of summer.The reason is that in this school, if your grades are good enough, then those student rules are about zero for you. I was number one in the school, and Qi Ming was number seven.Qi Ming said that I look like a rich local man who runs amuck at school. I started to develop the habit of skipping classes because of Qi Ming's good training, and after I found out that even if I skipped classes, I was still the first, I started to skip classes with peace of mind and never tired of it, without any ideological burden. When Qi Ming took me to skip class for the first time, he spoke earnestly to me like cultivating a spy: First, don't panic when you see the teacher. I panic fart. Second, don't bark when you climb the iron gate. I call a fart. Third, you are so cute. I'm cute ass, oh no, I'm so cute. Later, with the help of Qi Ming, I successfully climbed over the iron gate of the school, but then I decided to wear less skirts in the future.Because when my skirt was caught by the iron gate, I saw Qi Ming laughing so hard that he almost passed away, as if he was dying, his two canine teeth were particularly eye-catching in the sun. Sometimes we skip class and do nothing, just find a piece of grass and sleep.So lying on the grass and looking at the sky became my clearest memory in my freshman year of high school.Once I saw someone flying a kite, so I was very excited, and I said to Qi Ming: "Oh.Look, look, someone is flying a kite, let's go too! Qi Ming opened his sleepy eyes and said: Little girl, how old are you?You thought you were shooting a romance movie? You are boring.I continue to look at my kite. If you tell Qi Ming that the sea is so blue, he will tell you that it is because the blue in the light is not absorbed by the sea.And when you talk to him, his rhythm is always a beat slower than yours, so that you will feel that he is clearly sleeping with his eyes open. When his eyes are looking at me in a trance, I always sigh: he looks so good, what a pity IQ is so low. But there are still many ignorant little girls who like this low-IQ person. It is undeniable that Qi Ming is very good-looking.Because I said on all occasions that I didn't like Qi Ming, those girls boldly handed over their long-awaited love letters to me and asked me to pass them on to Qi Ming.I've never seen a woman trust another woman so much. But he hardly ever watched it.I asked him: Hey, why don't you read the letter that someone wrote to you? Because they are so complicated to fold, I can't open them.Qi Ming gnawed on the ribs with his head down, and answered me without raising his head.Today's ribs are delicious, it's a pity if you don't eat them. Later, when some girls gave it to me, I really wanted to tell them not to fold lovesickness knots or paper cranes, because that idiot couldn't open them. Qi Ming's family is very rich, and both parents are running companies.He barely wore repetitive clothes all summer and only drank Pepsi. He said he would throw up when he drank pure water.I always spend a lot of time teaching him how to be a simple person, and he always nods seriously and says: Hey, are you done yet?I saw a piece of clothing that only cost more than 600 yuan. You can accompany me to buy it in the afternoon. Qi Ming's ideal is to become an excellent advertising designer, while my ideal is to finish majoring in international accounting.He always said that I was such a vulgar woman who got into money all day long; and I always said that he was such a high-minded man who was unrealistic all day long.But I still gave him an advertising album on his birthday.He blushed like a tomato when he worked on the album. I said: You blush. He put his hands in his pockets and said: My blushing was planned and premeditated, to satisfy your vanity, why is it so strange.Then he turned around and walked away like Yushu facing the wind.After walking three steps, he turned around, his face turned red like a tomato, and he said: Well, thanks. Then he suddenly said in surprise: Oh, you are blushing! August 2002 Qi Ming For those on the train, we children lying on the platform beside the railway tracks are just a very common picture in the scenery whizzing by from window to window, but they don’t know that, How many times have those children lying down and looking up at the sky secretly cried. I went home once after a heavy rain, but there was still no one at home.Very cold.I saw a thick wad of money that my mother put down on my bed.I look at them and feel nothing.Only the sound of rain outside the window, like the background music in a movie, is infinitely amplified. Lan Xiao's number kept appearing repeatedly in the phone records.There are calls almost every hour from 6pm to 3am.I suddenly feel very sad.I called, but Lan Xiao was not at home. When I hung up the phone, I seemed to see Lan Xiao sitting on the floor holding her knees while guarding the phone.Her hair fell down over her sad face. A layer of soft dust fell on my desk, and I wrote Lan Xiao's name with my fingers. My desk is still the same as it was the day before my college entrance examination. There are reference books and calculation papers everywhere. On the wall is a card given to me by Lan Xiao, which reads: I wish Qi Ming a successful college entrance examination——Bush Jr. I found a letter paper from the pile of books, and suddenly wanted to sit down and write a letter to Lan Xiao.I turned on the desk lamp, and suddenly it seemed that I had returned to the days before July when I was surrounded by the aroma of coffee. "Lan Xiao, how are you? I've been with C these few days. We decided to go to Xi'an to study at a private university and start a band there. A friend of mine said that the music in that city is very good. So I want to go and see it. And that city has ancient city walls and a forbearing sunset, I think it must be very beautiful, I will take pictures for you to see when I have time." "While I was wandering aimlessly in the street that day, I met an old man with all white hair and beard. We sat down in the garden in the middle of the street and chatted. I forget what we said, but it was strange that in the end I I actually cried. I have never cried in front of others. Am I useless? You must laugh at me. I forgot to tell you that the old man looks very much like my grandfather. My grandfather is in Xinjiang, and I Haven't seen him for a long time." "You should continue to learn the piano during the summer vacation. Every time I see you playing the piano, I dare not speak. I think you are like an angel, hehe. Your fingers are so flexible, unlike mine, which are so benzene." "I suddenly found that the train Station is a good place to think about problems, because it is very noisy. But when you indulge in those noises, you will find that they will not affect you at all. Surrounded by all kinds of faces, tears and laughter, reunion and parting, but It's all other people's excitement, it has nothing to do with me." "The other thing is to go to bed early. I seldom go home these days. You don't have to call me every day. I'm fine. Don't worry so much, go to bed early, don't stay up late waiting for my call, it's not good to have eyes like a panda .” I put the letter in an envelope, and wrote Lan Xiao’s address neatly.When I arrived at the post office and put the letter into the mailbox, there was a dull sound when the letter fell, and my heart suddenly tightened. Then I came out of the post office not knowing where I was going to eat.I suddenly remembered a roadside stall selling beef noodles in the southwest corner of the city.So I started walking over there.The scorching sun continued to bake the city, and my walk on the steaming hot ground seemed a bit tragic. When I started to eat the bowl of noodles, I found a girl next to me was crying while eating, tears falling into the bowl drop by drop.I looked at her left hand holding a report card, because I was too hard, I could see the white bones in her hand. I didn't speak, but my heart was so depressed. On the way home, the lights were already brightly lit, and neon lights of various colors diffused in my eyes like paint poured into water, layer by layer colorful and chaotic.Some children on the road began to celebrate their success in the college entrance examination. They put on clothes that they would not dare to wear normally, dyed their hair, and the publicity of youth filled the entire street.No one blamed their arrogance, all passers-by and drivers smiled at them.Time is so happy, but so cruel. Has no one seen children smiling and crying at the same time? I raised my head trying to hold back my tears, only to find that the sky was unprecedentedly dark, with no moonlight or starlight.It's like a kind of despair, multiplying without bounds, and finally covering everything. December 2000 Lan Xiao If waiting can bring a miracle, then I am willing to wait forever, whether it is a year or a lifetime. It rarely snows in Zhejiang in winter, and in the city where I live, there is almost no snow, so this Christmas lacks the necessary atmosphere for me, so I took Qi Ming to escape as a matter of course. The so-called Classic Prom planned.There are many people on the street, and there are young boys and girls in couple clothes everywhere. In the winter of 2001, I was already a sophomore in high school, and somehow I became Qi Ming's girlfriend. I remember that it was very windy that morning, and Qi Ming was waiting for me downstairs on my bicycle.When I showed up, Qi Ming said: I like you, can you be my girlfriend?He looked down at me, blushing in a funny way. I didn't speak for three minutes.I saw Qi Ming's expression changed from blushing to surprised to anxious to terrified, as if he was watching an interview for a student of the film acting department.The reason why I didn't speak was because I was scared to death, but my expression mistakenly conveyed the illusion of "I'm going to cry" to Qi Ming. He said nervously, don't cry, there is no righteousness in business, don't scare me. Then I started laughing so hard I almost turned my hands into front feet.Qi Ming said with an annoyed look on his face: "What are you laughing at, I'm serious!" Then I stopped smiling suddenly, stood up straight and said: Qi Ming, I like you too. Since then, I have often looked at my diary for that day, and I saw myself writing on the light blue page: I saw Qi Ming’s smile as clear as the sun for the first time that day, his eyes were narrowed, his teeth were so white, A smile is like the warmest wind in winter.I can feel Qi Ming’s happiness even when I’m sitting on the backseat of his bicycle. His happy whistle is permeated in the winter mist. She was wearing Qi Ming's scarf and smelled him.I asked him, did you use perfume? He said, I am not so sissy!After a while, he turned around and asked me seriously: "Does shower gel count? Then I laughed so hard that my car crashed." Qi Ming always felt like a child to me, but this child always Accommodate me without limit. For a while, I rushed an English manuscript and wrote until two o'clock in the morning every day.Then I called Qi Ming and told him that I finished writing. He always said to me in a helpless voice: Miss, you called to tell me that you finished writing, right?It's two o'clock in the morning, do you want me to live?But I always hang up the phone unreasonably, and then sleep happily with my pillow in my arms. On the day I finished the manuscript, I went to bed very early, but I was woken up by the phone in the middle of the night. I heard Qi Ming's voice, and he said pitifully, Lan Xiao, why didn't you call? sleepy.I looked at my watch, it was already four o'clock, so I smiled happily, and then fell asleep deeply.In the dream, there was Qi Ming's childish face, holding a guitar, smiling, young and good-looking. There is a deserted playground behind the school, which is covered with weeds, and when the wind blows, it smells of earth and grass.The edge of the lawn is a white incomplete wall, which has been in disrepair for a long time, and the cracks of the cement vicissitudes can be seen under the peeling white paint.This wall is the notepad of Qi Ming and I. We agreed to write down all the things we think are worth remembering.Qi Ming writes on the left, and I write on the right.Every time I write on the right side with a 2B pencil, I really want to see what Qi Ming is writing, but he always smiles and refuses to let me see, he says how can I let you see that I am writing bad things about you. In fact, if you think about it carefully, all the things I wrote are what Qi Ming owes me. For example, I wrote "In August 1999, Qi Ming borrowed my mobile phone to make long-distance calls without paying my phone bill", "In August 1999, he gave me a meal. Strangers pay the bill and don't appreciate it", "In January 2000, I forgot the time to play football after school and made me wait at the campus gate for an hour". The days flowed slowly under my 2B pencil. Two years later, I always think about the weather, time, scene, characters and mood at that time.I burst into tears just thinking about it.I suddenly understood that it was impossible to go back, and the time reversal was just a beautiful myth to deceive children. But, if you can, please make up another story to trick me, okay? In August 2002, Qi Ming's youth is a mystery, just like my ideal.The ideal is lost, I don't know where it wanders endlessly, stubbornly refusing to come back. A few days later I withdraw a thick wad of money from the ATM.I stood poker-faced as the machine spewed out pink bills.I think my mom was smiling when she found out the money was missing from the card, because her proud son still can't get rid of the money she gave him.Maybe as my mother said, there is nothing in this world that money can't do. I used that money to buy Coke, alcohol, and cigarettes for them, and squandered that money in restless bars at midnight, on all kinds of rock CDs, and on a road with no beginning or end.That road seems to be our youth, but it seems not, because it is too dark to see clearly. In a disco called "Earthquake", there is a girl who plays jazz drums very well. Every time I hear her playing discs, I feel like I am exploding again and again, rising to higher places, and finally There is no trace as the smoke clears.Once I asked her, I said what is your name, she raised her head and looked at me with blurred eyes and said, My name is Athena, I want to kiss a beautiful boy when I see him.Then she leaned her head back and started kissing me.When her tongue touched my teeth, I suddenly pushed her away, she looked at me and smiled, and said while laughing, why, is there a girlfriend or a little virgin who has never kissed? I staggered to the bathroom and started throwing up, my stomach burning from drinking too much.I vomited again and again, crying while vomiting, because I missed Lan Xiao, I don't know if she is sleeping now, or waiting for my call. I washed my face with cold water, but the tears still couldn't be stopped. The tap water flowed down my face, and the more I cried, the more sad I became.I found 2B's pencil and paper from the old satchel, and I wanted to write a letter to Lan Xiao.When the pencil was drawn across the white paper, I suddenly remembered the white wall of the school. I thought it must be very lonely now, because no one went to see it for a long time. "Lan Xiao, I'm fine, don't worry. I've been singing karaoke for the past few days, and they said I sing very well. I started to find that I like to sing some old songs, very old songs. Every time I sing I always liked to recall. Maybe young people are unwilling to recall no matter what, and those who like to recall are already old, so old that they must rely on memories to cherish some things, to pay homage to some things, and to bury some things.” "c They sang so badly, but I cried several times when I heard them sing. I didn't tell them when my tears fell into the wine glass. Why was I suddenly moved, and sadness suddenly surged up from the invisible place deep in my throat, which made me very sad." Sometimes we would go to the movies, and I watched them three times in the past few days, and I felt that sometimes It seems that those children inside are very helpless and panicked.I have forgotten their names, but I remember their faces. They are not young, but they are rapidly aging. They stand on the boundary between young and old and look around. How can ripped jeans stand with an evening dress, how can my guitar play with your piano.