Chapter 4 Look back and see it again (Part 2)

At the end of 2002, I felt lost under the grotesque neon lights in Shanghai. I wore a long black trench coat and walked in the cracks of the brightly lit stone forest, and walked among the turbulent black crowds in Times Square where the Apple countdown was counting down. I walked in time and time. At the breaking point, drinking a milkshake, humming a happy tune, shaking his head and smiling at all the friendly faces, like a little gangster.All this is a bit like a dream, a long and mottled dream.At this time one year ago, I was still standing on the balcony of my home in Sichuan, watching the black sky and colorful fireworks, and today, one year later, I am standing on the land of the city I once loved, Standing in the ten-mile foreign market full of extravagant atmosphere.

In 2002 I had my 19th birthday.That birthday was extremely stressful, because I was still in the third year of high school at that time, and I kept running up and down the stairs with a lot of books every day.I remember that there was another exam on my birthday, which was in the afternoon.During class in the morning, CKJ passed the gift over, just like passing a note.I was amazed by the large and small bags.I thought they had forgotten, but they all remembered.At noon, I sat on the bed and opened the presents, and the wrapping paper rattled.There is a tide rushing through my heart, boom, boom, boom.It's just that I don't know if it's sad or happy.I never thought that I would stand at the age of 19 so quickly, standing at the door of an adult, waiting for the pain of tearing like a cocoon.I always thought that I would always be the kid who was sweating profusely on the court with a badminton racket, and that I would always be the kid who ran shoulder to shoulder with my friends, both male and female, in school. In the youth above, never grow old.

Go back in time, just like when we watch a DVD, press the back button with our hands, and then everything can reappear in front of your eyes, we are still so young, we are still so willful, it seems that time has never disappeared, it seems that days have never After being disturbed, everything is as clear as a stream in the sun. A few of our good friends, standing on the bank of the river of youth, watching Liulan, guessing trains, are so clear that nothing can be seen, listening to the time, running with a splash, so we haha laugh.Just retreat like this, keep retreating like this, retreating to a few months ago.A few months ago, I stood in the middle of the Black Basin in Sichuan, drinking Coke in the shade of a tree in the 35-degree heat, listening to the cicadas around me singing and cheering with each other. The sun was like broken silver, bright enough to be extravagant.The wind came out from the deepest part of the forest and galloped away from the top of the tree, the sound was empty and distant.There are endless trees in my school, Wei Wei and I always walk under the green shades that are as green as an overflowing lake.Wei Wei and I have known each other for almost a year.During the year, each other's tears and laughter were carved into each other's narrow annual rings bit by bit. That was our dry and bumpy year. This year, we were in our third year of high school.And a few months later, I stood in Shanghai, wiping off a thin layer of frost on the bicycle seat in the zero-degree morning to go to class, and the flow of people around me moved fast like the elongated blurred light in the exquisite MV.And I am in it, so clear that I can't see it.I studied film and television art technology, and I know how to use the camera and post-production technology to achieve this effect, but I don't understand what this situation indicates.

In 2002, I left from Sichuan and flew to Shanghai. I walked out of the basin where I grew up for 19 years, that dark and warm basin, with a heavy bag on my back alone. After going through security checks, boarding the plane, and taking off, the pain of leaving was like Rip a piece of skin from the body.On the plane, I leaned against the glass window and fell into a deep sleep. In my dream, I kept flashing back the fragments of the past, flashing back a slightly outstanding smile, flashing back to the appearance of little A in white clothes like snow, flashing back to the fact that I was left behind in Sichuan 18 years old.In my dream, I remembered what a friend said, "My ideal is to save money, save a lot of money, until one day we can buy a big bag to hold all our books, all CDs and all our ideals. Hands jumped on the train together, and we got off with the crowd in a daze, and then appeared in the city of the person we liked, just in front of the person we wanted to see, laughing and laughing, tears filled our eyes." In 2002, I I don’t have a favorite instrument, if there is one, it’s the cello.I was in Shangda, walking through the empty and lonely grass.Every Tuesday night, I rode my bike back to the dormitory from the classroom, traveling alone through the black wind at night, sometimes with Ah Liang.At this time, I will hear the music played by the cello, which is our school’s radio festival. I don’t know who chose these music, but I always think, he or she, maybe a child with a silent smile, standing alone A shepherd boy on the tail of youth.There is a person who is learning the cello across from my dormitory, and I saw him move the violin from downstairs one evening.Many nights I just sat in front of a 20-watt desk lamp, wrote articles, read novels, and listened to the harsh sound of the piano.At the moment of turning the pages of the book, I always hear the sound of horseshoes passing through the flowers.

The shepherd boy in March passed by on horseback.Thunder.The rain fell drop by drop. In 2002, I hardly listened to CDs. My CD player was forgotten at home in Sichuan, so I lived a quiet life in Shanghai.Later, on a whim one day, I ran to buy a Panasonic, and then went to the side of the road at the entrance of New Century to buy pirated CDs, and even spent 40 yuan to buy a selection of "Queen" from abroad. Set, I ran upstairs with a lot of CDs in my arms, and then fell asleep, with the rumbling in my ears, just like driving a train.But I rarely listen to CDs anymore, and I don't know why.The CD player was placed on top of the desk by me, and there was already a thin layer of dust.I suddenly remembered that when I was in my second and third year of high school, I was immersed in the near-cracking shouts day and night. When I thought of those days, my heart was as chaotic as panic and melancholy as snow.

In 2002, it seemed to be a gap in time. I began a decisive separation of my past, like a kind of betrayal. I left that sad and lonely child alone when he was 18 years old. But he is also afraid that the lonely child will stay alone on the black land, and then he will rush towards growth without hesitation like Kuafu.A poet once said, since you can’t catch up, hit it! I don’t have any magazines, “Popular Songs” and “I Love Rock Music” that I used to have to buy.I forgot that I used to be in Cangshanyangshui four seasons, spring and autumn, I forgot that I used to listen to rock and roll and heard death, I forgot Yan Xu, Qi Leming, the days when I was young and lawless, I even forgot that I was such a Curious child, although in the eyes of others, I am still a very surly person, but only I can understand that I have lost all edges and corners, and I no longer love to care about things, no longer love To fight for something, the stubborn, headstrong, impulsive and conceited child was left by me in the time that was gradually running backwards, I couldn't hear his cry and couldn't see his face, but why was my heart like a knife Does it hurt like cutting? The breeze on the top of the mountain blows, and the heart flies around.Why do I shed tears, the night is so beautiful.A piece of memory rummaged through boxes and cabinets, and I was chasing after it, thinking about who it was. My favorite song in 2002: "Wish Me Happiness".I remember at that time I put this CD in my CD player, and then looped the single track, and my ears were so calloused that I was still listening to it.On the bus, on the playground, on the road, in various places in this city, I walked with this CD as if I was carrying my lonely and huge wealth, with my eyes full of flowers and my body full of dust.Yang Naiwen's voice is not pleasant, cracked and hoarse, but I like it.Because of too many past events, in the song, in every sleepless night, I was wiped out like an avalanche.

The thing I did the most in 2002 was to remember, like an old man who was late, sitting in a rocking chair, feeling his youth over and over again.In Shanghai, I keep getting in touch with new people, blending into new circles, fighting against each other or showing sincerity to each other.This kind of life makes me speechless.I just remember that before, I could still tell myself when there was no one, what kind of life I was living, whether it was lonely, happy, or boring to pass the time.But now, I'm in Shanghai, in this brightly lit city full of swords and swords, busy with business every day, and then fall into a deep sleep.But why do I still feel empty, feel that my body is empty and thin, so I eat and drink milk tea with big mouthfuls.It seems that material can be used to fill the spirit, what kind of stupidity and self-deception is this. In the winter of 2002, as Haruki Murakami said, the milk tea I drank could fill a swimming pool.I am a person who likes to remember, I always feel that all the turmoil must settle for a period of time and then look back, so that everything can be clearer.It's just that when we are young, we don't understand this truth, so we can vigorously like each other, hate each other, and then forget each other indifferently when we are young.I didn't understand it before, and it was only after nineteen years of time that I gradually understood this truth, but I am no longer a child.As someone said before, standing on the tail of a teenager and looking up at the sky, I always think of Pu Shu's hoarse voice, he sang: They are all old, where are they? I was in Shanghai in 2002 , watching the sunset on the open land of tens of thousands of square meters in Shanghai, watching the silhouette of time in the feasting and sensuality of Shanghai.When I was reading a book, I saw someone say that people always have to take strange roads, listen to strange songs, and read strange books, only to suddenly find out one day that the things that I tried so hard to forget turned out to be true. Just forget it.I always repeatedly experience the tone of the person who said this sentence, whether it is the calmness after going through the vicissitudes of life or the helplessness when wanting to recall it again.But without the crystal ball in my hand, I will never be able to gain insight into other people's thoughts.I can only conceive and even practice with my own feeling again and again, and this process is called youth by all the old people.

I have my reality, I live in Shanghai, which is materially exquisite, and I also have my dream: the place where I once grew up exudes a strong sense of time.I've never found myself missing my city so much, I just thought before that I could walk away with nothing to worry about and be alone. I saw what my friend wrote before, saying that we must be strong no matter what time we are alone. Only in the lonely days can we hear the sound of cracking and crumbs falling when life turns and the sound of joints of the body like wheat when growing.Lonely and sad, looking up to the sky with a smile and tears.

In the previous TV dramas, it was always sung: Go rolling, the world of mortals doubles, and the world is at peace with the world. In the winter vacation of 2002, I returned to Sichuan from Shanghai, met my old friends, walked the old road, and found my photo foolishly pasted in the window of the high school I used to study.At that time, I had short hair and a simple face.But now, when I walk in the school I once walked in, wearing a black windbreaker with tangled hair, I really feel like a lonely passerby.The youth of those children was flying around, and I saw them think of my past, my 9-watt desk lamp, those dim lights, and those sad dreams.

The end of 2002 has passed, and the wheels of 2003 are rolling over vigorously.When I finished writing this article, it was already the last day to leave Sichuan for Shanghai. This winter vacation has passed in a hurry. It seems that I just came home yesterday, and then took a long sleep. The luggage set off again. 2002 has passed, and I am still crawling in time, waiting for what I have been waiting for in my heart, even though it has never appeared.Maybe it will be a long time later, in a certain morning, in a certain strange street, I will look back and see it again.