Chapter 3 Look back and see it again (Part 1)

At the last moment of 2001, I stood on the balcony and watched the dark night sky and the occasional deserted fireworks on the sky. The night wind blew coldly, and I saw the time of the year surging and rising in the palm of my hand, and finally returned to peace. , leaving traces that cannot be erased and years as gentle as water.And the angels gradually passed overhead without sound. In 2001, I celebrated my 18th birthday. Those good wishes, the sincere eyes of my friends, and the gentle voice of my sweetheart made me grateful and unforgettable.And I'm like my cactus, growing up bit by bit.

My Favorite Books of 2001, and .The former made me ache sharply, while the latter left me empty and sad.No why.This world is too complicated, but there are still people who want to ask why.So what if you ask, so what if you don’t ask, until the end, the cycle of reincarnation still keeps turning, the sun rises and the moon sets, the flowers bloom silently, those past events will never come back, the most helpless sentence I have ever seen: " Those things that I tried my best to forget, I really forgot." Is it sad?Is it sad?The huge blank space cannot be dismissed, just like a large piece of abrupt white has been wiped out suddenly on a delicate silver-gray sketch. When looking at it, people are completely desperate, so they have to stand alone under the night sky and cry.I used to be a person who loved to look up at the sky, and the blue sky wall always gave me the courage to survive, but now I like the deep night sky, which embraces all darkness and forbearance, and no one sees the tears I shed.The endless wandering in the world makes me sad. Maybe the best way for a person is to be calm, even if he lives alone, travels through cities after cities, walks through streets after streets, looks up at the sky after sky, and witnesses one scene after another. parting.Life and death are the excitement of others, but I have my own loneliness.Sometimes when I stand on the empty playground at night, I think about what kind of life I want.I don't like to talk but I talk the most every day, I don't like to laugh but I always laugh all the time.Everyone around me said that my life was so happy, so I thought I was really happy.But why do I suddenly become silent among a large group of friends, why do I feel sad when I see a similar figure in the crowd, forget to speak when I see autumn trees dropping their leaves crazily, see the warm yellow lights on the road as the sky gets darker, I feel sad Just forget your original direction?What about the wizard who can prophesy?Where are you, please tell me.And what is the most meaningful life, please tell me.When Alice lost the key to Wonderland, should she go back sadly, or kneel down and cry sadly?But I still have to keep going, and someone's words must become my belief, and I will go on alone with such a belief in my chest, without fear.Those flowers that have bloomed in my life, those meteors flying past my head, those once warm promises and gentle smiles, those bright eyes and kind self-willedness, all these have become my indelible scars and inability to heal. Forgotten memory.

In 2001 my favorite instrument was the cello.There is a video store in this city that plays cello CDs every day.Every time I pass by, I always slow down my pace, and then hear the sound of my heart gradually weaken.The sound of the cello always makes me feel familiar, like an enduring dream of mine.In the dream, there is always a suppressed cry of a person, like the melodious bass of a cello.A famous cellist said: I always cry with my violin.There used to be a movie, but I forgot the name, there was a cello in the background music alone, the monologue said: There is only so much warmth in my life, I gave it all to you, but you left me, you called me How can you smile at others in the future.There used to be a smile that appeared in my life, but in the end it dissipated like mist, and that smile became a rushing river buried deep in my heart, and I couldn't swim across it. Desperate singing.If it weren't for the kindness of my friends and the love of my parents, these things gave me the ability to live with me, I think I would become more and more indifferent.I used to meet different people on the road, and everyone talked happily, but now I just want to have my own diaphragm that is not disturbed, wrap up a blanket, and finish my journey in a dream, because I don’t understand more and more , those flickering lights in the wind and rain, the passing stop signs, strange faces, cheap takeaway coffee, noisy carriages, platforms full of tears and parting, extended railroad tracks, between the lonely bird and me, who is it? Who's passerby, who is the embellishment of who is hit.The sound of the cello is like a river, flowing peacefully through my years, but it brings me the most sentimentality.The left bank is my unforgettable memory, the right bank is the bright years that I should hold on tightly, and what flows quickly in the middle is my faint sentimentality every year.My favorite song "I'm Waiting for You in the Middle of Winter", I always see this picture in front of my eyes: a person wrapped in a black windbreaker stands in the middle of the heavy snow, the night makes a brocade-like tearing sound all around, that Looking back, tears have already flowed down my face. I know his sadness is extremely great, but he can't cry anymore. The despair in his eyes is like the black tide under the ice, but he still smiles and says: I will wait for you , and wait until you show up.

There seemed to be a lot of fireworks in 2001, but the sounds that exploded in the night sky always sounded so empty and ethereal to my ears, as if people all over the world were having a carnival, and I was standing thousands of miles away, The prosperity and prosperity in the distance is just a dream, and I am a failed dream accountant.Nietzsche said: When there is no pain, only humble happiness remains.But I don't even have humble happiness, all I have is great pain.Some people say that the New Year is over the river of forgetfulness, but so what after the river of forgetfulness, what can’t be forgotten is still unforgettable, and the profound past still follows you back through thousands of mountains and rivers. On the day when the fireworks were set off at the APEC meeting in Shanghai, I was watching TV alone at home. Xiao A called me and asked me to listen to the sound of fireworks exploding on his mobile phone. He told me that he would chase the camera, and then told me to watch the carnival from the TV. Looking for that handsome man in a long white trench coat in the crowd, I smiled and said to him, then you should run faster and try to smile as wide as possible.After I finished speaking, I felt sad.The hustle and bustle of his mobile phone echoed the hustle and bustle of the TV, so his voice became distant and empty, as if he was speaking to me from a far away place-in fact, it was.The river surface on the TV was very dark and gorgeous, and the fireworks were constantly blooming in the night sky and in the water. I listened to Xiao A’s familiar but unfamiliar voice, and looked at the dark and silent sky outside the window, feeling empty and sad.

In 2001 I said goodbye to many people.Little A is finally going to Japan, and his voice sounded very hoarse on the phone.I heard the voice that used to accompany me every day say to me: In fact, I am very sad. I am afraid that I will stand on a land without friends and look at the horizon swallowed by the city. I am afraid that I will not be able to see the Chinese billboards when I look up.I knew he was referring to me because I was his only friend.Little A doesn't know how much I envy him, that a person can live so peacefully and peacefully without contending with the world.When we are not together, he can quietly read a picture book or listen to a CD by himself. Sometimes he can go for a casual stroll in the street, or stand on the side of the road in white clothes and watch the traffic. He will look up when passing through the shade of trees. Looking at the bright and fine sunlight, there is a childlike and innocent expression on the face, and the smile is as sweet as a child.I used to laugh at him for being autistic, but he always smiled inclusively, pressed my shoulder and said you don't understand.Now I finally find that sometimes, there is nothing wrong with living alone.As others have said: Keep it simple, keep it simple, that's life.In the past, I was busy arranging my time to be extraordinarily fulfilling and busy, but in the end I still found that even though I live my life like fireworks in my hands, it still turns into a bunch of blurred lights and shadows in the end. open.What is seen is extinguished; what is invisible cannot be seen in this life.Little A told me that the night he was finally leaving, he kept talking on his cell phone until the cell phone ran out of battery.I never knew he had so much to say too.I only remember the rustling rain-like noise on the phone at the end and Xiao A’s sad crying, like a sad cello sound, leaving me barren pain wherever it passed.Japan, across the mountains and rivers and across the ocean, can Asuka cross? Can I see you again? My best friend in this life.

Xiao Xu seemed to be leaving too. Our last phone call was intermittent, she said.You are always like this, numb and indifferent.I didn't speak, and after I asked you for the third time whether it was raining or not, the phone was disconnected inexplicably. In fact, I wanted to tell her that it was raining here, and it was very heavy.I held the phone and listened to the busy signal for three minutes, then gently put down the phone and fell into a deep sleep.The next day I saw her post under the banyan tree, and she said: This is my last chapter, I want to leave this tree, I want to leave this tree.Three days later I received her letter, and she said: "Siwei, I don't have time, so I can only wish you a Merry Christmas, a Happy New Year, a Happy Chinese New Year, a Happy Valentine's Day, and a Happy Children's Day." Looking at the "THELAST" at the end of the letter, I seem to hear Xiao Xu's words to me. Say goodbye.After a long time, Xiao Xu sent me a message: Siwei, I still like the sunny you a year ago, with your healthy laughter and bright eyes, but suddenly there are too many people between us, they surround you By your side, to be your halo, I saw you smiling silently among them, and when you raised your head, a deeper indifference was carved on your face.I want to tell you that when you look up at the starry sky, the brightest star is me looking at you.

In the winter of 2001, I made many new friends, and old friends kept leaving.I finally believed in that cruel sentence: There are only so many positions around me, and I can only give so much. If someone wants to come in this narrow circle, someone has to leave.Wei Wei said that this kind of feeling is like a large group of people walking forward happily hand in hand, accidentally lost one person, and accidentally lost another person, and in a daze for a moment, she found that she was the only one looking around during the journey up.Watching the sunset alone.And I finally understand what is immortality.

The new friends I met in 2001 were Joyo and Weiwei. Excellence lives vigorously every day, with endless things to do, such as acting in dramas, singing, playing piano, playing badminton, hosting, and jumping around like a rabbit with a twisted clockwork.And I lived vigorously, but died vigorously.Someone said: Frequent exams are like dying over and over again.People who can say such things are naturally talented, so she went to college happily, while a mediocre person like me is naturally in the third year of high school in depression, and there is no room for negotiation.Seeing Zhuo Liang live such a fulfilling life, I always feel sad in my heart over and over again.I was so busy every day that I was dying, wishing I could work 36 hours a day, but my hands were still empty and unable to hold anything, like a drowning man unable to grasp a life-saving straw.Sometimes I am too busy to even play the ball. When I pass the badminton court, I will always stop. The empty court tramples on the same empty pain in my heart, but I still dare not and cannot stop for too long. To be sad, because there is another exam waiting for me at 6:30.There are exams every night, and there is chaos.After the exam, as soon as I walked out of the classroom door, I saw the dark night.Sometimes I stand on the edge of the playground and try to see through the night, but my eyes struggle to move forward inch by inch in the cold night wind, and finally I cannot penetrate.A few times I met a little girl who was standing alone in the middle of the playground. I saw her raise her head with her hands open, and whispered alone: ​​If you close your eyes like this, you really won’t be able to see the blue sky.Her face was pretty, but a pair of black wide-rimmed glasses made her look a little dull.

Wei Wei is a very spirited girl who has studied painting for 12 years since elementary school.I have seen her draw beautiful landscapes with very simple pen lines, but she doesn't draw anymore.Because of the college entrance examination.She gave up the brushes and paints she had relied on for 12 years when her dad told her you had to give up.I don't know if she had no hesitation when she made the choice. I only know that when I chose science, my right hand showed sharp pain to me.After that, Wei Wei never talked about her painting again.It's just that I know that she never participated in the school's art festival again-even though she easily won the first place.One of the scenes that impressed me the most was that she stopped suddenly when she passed the admissions brochure of Academy of Fine Arts, Tsinghua University. Five minutes later, she turned to me and said, "Let's go."I looked at Wei Wei's back from behind, her black windbreaker was suddenly filled with the cold winter wind, I don't know why, I suddenly felt very sad.But I didn't tell her, so I ran up smiling.

In 2001, I subscribed to two magazines: "Traveler" and "Travel World".I feel more and more an inexplicable call from the distance, even though I don't know how far the distance in my heart should be.Suddenly thought of a clip in a movie: a man said to a woman who has been in love for a long time, I don’t love you anymore, you’d better stay away from me.Then the woman laughed, then tears fell, she said: far?How far is far?I used to call you in New York and you told me you were eating cookies, and at that moment I thought we were so close.And now, I'm standing in front of you, but I feel like I'm standing on the edge of the sky.

I always look at these exotic pictures in sunny afternoons, my heart is in a state of chaos, but my expression is still indifferent.I found that indifference carved marks on my face bit by bit, and I sat peacefully under the knife, waiting to die.I usually have a cup of lemon tea by my hand, and between turning pages, I will look up at the lonely pigeons circling above my head, and occasionally gray feathers will fall down, covering my black pupils.At six o'clock in the evening, there will be a thick and distant bell from a mountain in the distance. The twilight falls from the sky and gradually covers the whole city. The night is fading and the lights are on. I close the magazine and go to the room to eat. At the end of 2001, I was watching "Meteor Garden", a very commercial series.But I suddenly had a good impression of one of them, Hua Zelei.He is so quiet, peaceful, and aloof from the world, like a peaceful lake.And I remember when he saw the dazzling fireworks in the sky, he said: When I was young, a friend told me that when the sky is about to dawn, the angels will worship God together, and if lighting the fireworks at this time can attract them, Wishes are easy to come true.I'm always looking up at the black empty sky and sometimes I hear something and sometimes I don't.I have never made a wish on a shooting star, because I have never seen a shooting star. At the end of 2001 there were a lot of shooting stars, but I didn't see them all, not the Leo ones, not even my own Gemini ones. On TV, the New Year's bell was ringing at a gala on a local TV station, and I was leaning over the balcony.I watched the lights of Wanjia on the opposite side, and in front of my eyes was a long time fragment of 2001 passing by gradually, like a movie playback, without sound.The black wind came through the air, blowing my newly long hair, and I heard the sad sound of the cello dripping down from my hair. At the last moment of 2001, on the lonely balcony on the sixth floor, in the howling black wind, in the fireworks blooming in the sky, in the sweetness and remembrance of the past, in the track of time creeping forward, tears filled my eyes.