Chapter 20 Chapter Nineteen Don't Ask Me Why I'm So Attached

From the moment he entered the stage, when there were disputes, Chen Ma always said: "Your problem is that you always think you are right." I didn't say a word, and said in my heart, you are the one. "You also always have the upper hand in relationships," he said. Who are we?I have been a disadvantaged group since I was a child, and I hold back my anger when I am hurt, and I am bullied by you every day. How can there be such a problem as you mentioned? When I interviewed Song, he was sixteen years old and participated in a group recitation at the evening party of the depression treatment center. The poem he was assigned was: "This is love."

That awkward look on his face. During the interview, I asked him: "Why are you so embarrassed when you say this?" "I don't know what love is," he said. I used a lot of energy to prepare, eat and chat with him.But the first official interview was still very difficult. It took a long time to find a place to interview. He didn't want to say what was on his mind, so I asked reluctantly, and the smile on my face was dry.The two cameramen encountered a little trouble because of the camera position and light, and they also had a little competition.The anxiety in my heart pricked me like a needle, I pulled my face down and said: "No more filming, let's go." Lao Fan is the director.He twisted his hands and looked at me.

"If you're not happy, don't take pictures." I turned around and opened the door and left. Lao Fan later accused me: "Every time you say nothing, the most terrifying thing is the face." I?I look left and right in the mirror... Me?Don't I hate the person who makes faces easily?Every time I see a face like that, my heart twitches and I tense up.I?Do I show embarrassment to others? "You...are nice to others...just to me." She said while looking at my face and being careful. "Am I really bad-tempered?" Sitting in the car, I hesitated for a long time and asked Xiaohong.

He is the most trusted person of our three girls—Lao Fan, Lao Hao, and me.He never explained himself, never persuaded others, never saw him look coldly at anyone, and never stole the limelight.When I was a child, I was teased by adults. I sat on the wire with my bare buttocks, grinning with pain and laughing at others.When the program needed to covertly film the drinking incident of art school students, he, as the only adult male in the group at that time, had to go out and secretly film a segment.After completing the task, he invited the girl who accompanied him to eat pizza, and he didn't sleep well all night. He felt uneasy about cheating others—that's the person.We three girls are wrong, he doesn't blame him, his existence is a demonstration.

After I asked, he thought for a while and said, "You are like this, when someone throws a straight uppercut, you must also have a straight uppercut in your heart. You don't avoid it, and you don't change your method." I muttered: "I still think I'm quite gentle." He smiled: "That's just self-cultivation." I was startled: "You know?" He said, "Of course." His words stimulated me a lot: "You guys know what I am like, are you treating me well?" He didn't answer but smiled, as if this sentence didn't need an explanation at all.

But I also couldn't bear to apologize to Lao Fan.I had no choice but to send a text message with a hippie smile. She immediately responded with a big smile.I am ashamed of myself. The next day, go to shoot again.Strange, I canceled the interview the day before, and I was so irritable, Song was not angry with me, maybe he saw my weakness and was a little kind. Sitting in his small room to re-interview this day, the light is a little dark, and the place is very cramped. Li Ji is filming and said: "Don't worry about the light, news is news, he should stay in his environment." I thought for a while. It's loose.

Song said that he went to the psychiatric treatment club of Friendship Hospital with his parents and treated them on the spot, with both parents and children present.Song and his father were sitting on the stage, Dr. Bai said to him: "You have to tell your feelings about your father." Song refused to say. Dr. Bai said, "Tell me how you really feel." After a moment of stalemate, he talked about the feeling of being ignored by his father these years. "You escaped, what about me?" He stood up while talking.Someone wanted to pull him, but the doctor stopped him. "I hate you." He thumped the wall, his face was contorted, his chest heaved violently, and he had an asthma attack.

The scene was chaotic.Doctor Bai sat still and said, "Tell me how you really feel." During the interview, Song's father told me about this moment: "I knew he was not satisfied with me, but I never thought that I would hurt him so much. It’s so big.” His tears fell down: “It turned out that what I said to him, ‘sooner or later I will regret it’, now I realize that I should regret what I did. I gave up and ignored him. Today’s result is the result of the original planting. down." After calming down, the father went to the wall and took his son's hand."It's an amazing feeling that we haven't had in so many years," he said.

When I asked Song about this moment, he turned his head to one side and smiled, and said, "Oh, I'll tell you if you're fake." "You don't feel the way your dad said?" "No." He didn't look at me. "Are you telling the truth, or are you just not willing to admit it?" I laughed. "It's true when I look into your eyes, but not when I don't." He also smiled. "Everyone has a time when they are not brave enough," I said, "Did you forgive him a little bit at that moment?" He looked at me and said, "Maybe...forgive me."

After the interview, when the machine was turned off, we both smiled at each other, and he said, "I defeated myself." I said, "Me too." He hugged me and said, "Comrades." When I got home at night, Song sent a text message, saying that he was looking up some information about me, and saw that when the "trauma of the two cities" was discussed online, should reporters wipe away tears from children? Some people said that this is not like a reporter. "I want to tell you that if you were just a reporter, I wouldn't tell you that much," he said.

After editing the first version of this film, something happened again. Every time I watch a crudely edited film, Lao Fan is so nervous that he closes the door of the computer room from the inside to prevent others from entering, and keeps staring at me.As long as I look at the monitor, she is as sensitive as a hunched cat, her hair is standing on end with electricity.She is like this, after the baby fat fades, she will be a good-looking girl, and she will never let anyone see her without makeup. When I watched this film, my face was expressionless...it always has been.After reading it, I turned around and said, "Show me the interview record." She exploded: "Chai Jing, you don't trust me too much." I was baffled: "What's wrong?" She yelled at me, "You have no idea how good I am to you. When did I sacrifice your interview?" I thought to myself, this has nothing to do with being good to me, this is a business discussion. She turned around, like I've had enough of you and I quit. On the way home, I gritted my teeth with anger and resentment, my throat was bitter and sour, and I thought to myself: "I love walking, and you will know when you suffer in the future." I admit that asking her for the interview record is really dissatisfied with the editing, but I thought to myself, it is because your program is good, so I don't need to praise you deliberately, and pick your faults—that's because I am more than you. Others are more responsible to you, so they ask you and hope you are better. Both of us called Lao Hao to complain, but it was useless for her to persuade her both ways. The troubles became so serious that we often had to rely on Xiao Hong to mediate. I became even more angry in front of him: "I'm so weird, such a trivial matter, you can't get along with me?" He said: "No one has trouble with you, it's life itself full of contradictions." I am silent. He never blamed any of us. He once talked about family affairs when he was a child. His mother was under the heavy pressure of life for his three brothers and had a bad temper. He often beat them.He said: "Every time she gets angry, I get scared and immediately admit my mistake." I thought children were afraid of being beaten. He said, "I'm afraid that she will get angry and hurt her body." Another reason why I spoke to Lao Fan in that tone was because I thought she had always been heartless and had a hippie smile with everyone. She was sweet-mouthed and loved to be lively. When she was a little bit older, she would go to the construction site to find an iron rod in her hand. Said to the migrant workers: "I will perform ten shows for everyone." In the words of my colleague Yang Chun, if there are ten gongs, there will be her in nine places. I gave her a pair of sapphire earrings, she wore them all day long, but when she squeezed into the subway, someone tore them apart, and the earlobe was ripped open, and the earrings fell off.When I heard about it, I squinted my eyes and gasped for breath. When I met her two days later, I pulled her hair to check the injury, and found that the earring was already hanging on the small gap that had just healed.So I pay less attention to her than others, thinking that she is tough and can do anything.Once we took the elevator in the hotel, I suddenly found that she was looking at herself in the mirror viciously, which was very hideous. I was surprised, she never had this expression usually. It was later discovered that every time she passed by the mirror, the only expression on her face was this look of hating herself.I couldn't help it: "Don't you think you look like this after all these years?" She was very surprised: "Do I have another look?" Once, Chen Wei took photos of her for the cover of an internal magazine. He took a lot of photos, and the others were all smiling. Only one was when she saw her reflection on the camera and glared immediately.In the end, she insisted on choosing this as the cover.Old Hao died to persuade her, but she was in a hurry: "You can choose whichever one you like." She turned and left. Only then did we know that she was serious. She thought the real self should be what she saw in the mirror, pale and melancholy, self-pitying.Every time she said that, Lao Hao and I laughed so hard. As for why she treated me like this, I never asked, and I didn't take it seriously.People who are overly familiar often do this.Every time I see her expression like this, I scold her, humming her face: "No!" But after a few years, this cannot be changed at all.When doing this episode of Song, she showed those children suffering from depression to see the cigarette scars on their hands, with a tragic look of "I also had puberty".I took it as a joke at first, but then I looked at her arm once, gasped, and said angrily, "No!" Xiao Hong was just doting on her, and only when I asked him did he say, "There is a part of Fan's heart that is actually pretty. Sharp." A distressed tone.He didn't blame her, and he didn't want her to change, he just held the girl's arm lightly when crossing the road - because she was always on the phone, completely ignoring the incoming cars. I read Lao Fan's rough edited version that day, which actually touched me, but I didn't tell her.There is a documentary that after I interviewed Song, two days later, he will officially go on stage to recite.On the same day, his father promised to come, but he had a temporary job and did not come.In a hurry, he beat the wall again, refusing to perform on stage: "Since he won't come, why do you ask me to come?" His father rushed to the scene later and said that the matter was not handled well, "I will definitely change it in the future..." Song interrupted him: "Can you be more natural? Changes don't happen in a short while. How did you neglect me before? I don't want to say it, and I get angry when I say it." His father looked embarrassed and couldn't hold back his anger. He said, "You'll understand in twenty years," and turned to leave. When he got to the door, he controlled himself again.Another mother who brought her daughter to treatment at the scene persuaded him, he said: "Maybe my education method is too simple, I think what should happen to my son." The mother said: "It's not just simple, not just parents, no matter who Man, you tell people what to do, that's the wrong way. I've been wrong for so many years." This is so good, I went back and wrote it in my diary.I understand the truth, but as long as it falls on me, when I am anxious and serious at work, when I think it must be the case, I will inevitably speak harshly, and it must be directed at the people closest to me. Old Hao said me. I was not convinced: "Then what I said is wrong?" I thought to myself, haven't all the facts been verified. "You're right, but it's not necessarily the only way." I was taken aback, isn't this what Chen Yi said?When Lao Hao said this, I was speechless. Lao Fan is not as tough as Lao Hao. When she was doing a show, she ran away from the hotel as soon as she couldn't quarrel with me.Drenched in the rain, crying like a duckling. I sent her a text message: Noisy but you can scuffle, it's a disadvantage if you freeze yourself. After a while, I received a text message saying, "I'm at the door and I don't have the key." The door opened, and I saw that the hair was wet, and the curly hair was all stuck to her face, so I went to the bathroom to find a towel to wipe her head: "Okay, I was wrong." She hugged me and cried, and I had to pat her on the back in embarrassment. Alas, before I met them in this life, I never said these three words, and I couldn't say them.Only now do I know.After a long time, these are the three most beautiful words in the world. What made me feel the most uncomfortable was not getting angry or crying, it was just a short while after this incident, she still had a crying face on her face, her eyes were swollen, and she innocently held a big mango, lying on her stomach I watched interesting things on the Internet together by the bedside, and I said to myself: "Why do you think that your mood is so different now than just now?" I asked her afterwards: "Why are you so vulnerable? It's just work." She said, "Because I care about you." Nobody taught me this way, and I choked. Every time I quarrel with Lao Fan, the disagreement is always there. She always considers and explains for the people we interview.But I was worried that this would be too sentimental and not calm enough. I felt that there should be iron rules in my work and I had to obey them, and I did not hesitate to defend them with ruthlessness. One time I interviewed an old man who had been in business for more than ten years, earned tens of billions, and donated four billions to charity.He admired Zeng Guofan and wanted to "seek vacancies".When I'm free, I say that you are very successful in business, so if you are required to manage the news, can you make it happen?He believes that, just like an enterprise, grasp the core competitiveness and build a brand, and the brand is people.I said how do you deal with the negative news? He shook his head: "News doesn't distinguish between positive and negative, and the core of news is truth." I knew this sentence a long time ago, but it still made me ponder for a long time when he said it. The old man had a straight temper, and the interview was almost over, so he stood up and unplugged the microphone. "Okay." He said, "Chai Jing, come here." I was quite surprised, but I knew that the old man must have something to tell me, such as pointing out other people's faces like Zeng Guofan. really. After entering his office, he said that he knew a little about reading: "You, you have a quick reaction and quick thinking...but..." coming. "...You have a fatal shortcoming. You are too extreme, you are what you call cynic youth." He continued, "Extreme will be arrogant and rude. You really want to do things, but you have to get rid of this problem." I want to defend , still swallowed it down, and said: "Then what should I do?" "Read more." The old man said, "Also, existence is reasonable, you have to accept it." I came back and told them as a joke, but Lao Hao looked at Lao Fan and smiled, and Lao Fan also looked at Lao Hao and smiled.I was so angry: "Am I that extreme?" Lao Hao reassured me: "No...it's just a little competitive." I asked her to give an example, and she said: "For example, I think you don't care much about other people's movies. " I want to say why don't I care?I thought about judging the films of other groups during the meeting, I just passed a few words, whether good or bad, it was just a conclusion, the words were sharp, easy to draw conclusions, and others didn't say anything after listening.I think it is out of publicity, but I don't understand the experience of others in the process of making this film. I don't feel that much. When Lao Fan criticizes films, she always praises first and defends everywhere. Sometimes I think she is too exquisite.After working together for several years, Li Ji drank some wine, held her hand, and said, "So I thought you..." He paused for a while, and then said: "After a few years, you are really him. Mom is pure." Pure, hey. She is pure, without the word "I" in her heart, she has a transparent heart, and she only insists on things.But when I speak the truth, it is often about what "should" be. I feel that I have grasped the truth, and I am arrogant in my heart. I only have judgments and no feelings for others. Chen Ma used to ask me to be tolerant, and I took this as a working principle, but I felt that you should leave me alone in life.He kept beating me with his words: "If you want to write like a person, why don't you start with being a person?" I was anxious: "I have my own principles in life." He was so angry: "You think you are very upright, don't you?" "What's the matter?" "Why do I think your justice is terrible? People like you can betray your friends for what you think is justice." I was also angry at the time: "That's it." When he was hospitalized for the first time, Lao Fan and I went to see him, and he still talked about it and said bad things about me to Lao Fan: "She has no motherhood at all." Lao Fan immediately defended me: "No, she has a mother-daughter relationship with me!" I hooked her shoulders and winked at Chen Ma.He choked and pointed at me "you you you" for a long time, then pointed at Lao Fan and said to me: "She is much better than you." I don't take it seriously. I once interviewed a hawker who sold mutton skewers in Xinjiang and ate jelly with him. He said that he was driven away by his fellow countrymen all the way, his feet were tied to an electric fan and his feet were strangled. , spread rumors about his murder, I said: "No way? Really?" He put his chopsticks on the bowl, looked at me and said, "You don't understand the cruelty of the bottom." I was speechless .When I saw this scene in the TV material, I thought to myself, why does this lesbian have so many expressions?When she hears opinions beyond her own experience or contrary to her own, she will show surprise, amazement, disgust, and disdain on her face. She wants to judge the other party by asking questions, stimulate others, and want the other party to correct her. Conceited. This lesbian turned out to be me, and those expressions turned out to be my expressions in life. This is probably the "face" that Lao Fan mentioned. Ugh.Sitting in front of the TV, I can see myself clearly. When criticizing others, I quoted Gu Zhun's words, "The so-called dictatorship is the idea that you firmly believe that you can't make mistakes." Now it's like icy water pouring into your head - criticizing dictatorship every day, it turns out that I am also the embodiment of dictatorship. I went to school early, I was short, weak and stupid, I had no friends, I was not good at playing with sandbags, rubber bands, running and jumping, so I just leaned against the wall and watched with my hands behind my back. In class, the teacher pronounced "Love House and Bird" as "Love House and Bird", and I stood up and pointed it out in public.The teacher's face darkened and he spoke a little harshly. I will not go to his office anymore.If there are careless words between friends, if they pierce the pain, they will stop communicating with each other.I went out to study in college when I was a teenager, I was not used to group life, and I was estranged from the girls in the same dormitory. I listened to the radio every day with headphones on. Occasionally, I met a girl who was washing her hair in the sink. Her arm was a little inconvenient. I picked up the basin and poured water for her to rinse. She looked strange: "So you are very kind to people." "Me?" I was baffled, when did I treat people badly? "You are quite tolerant," she said, "but you still have grievances in your heart." This made me startled.Grievance, this word, seems to have a clenched little fist in my heart. In the future, I would go to work and go to school, and changed many places. I would just leave with my suitcase wherever I went, without emotion, feeling so fragile, and thinking that being independent means breaking away from the group and not being attached.Among those who are close, once the self-esteem is touched, it will become sharp, and it will never bow its head.The show I did for Song was more or less a projection of my adolescence. Only in the past few years of "News Investigation", a few people in our group spent more time together than our family on business trips throughout the year, and it was like growing up again from scratch.Lao Fan and I both snooze and skip breakfast, but she gets up ten minutes earlier every day and washes her face without turning on the light, just to let me sleep for a while.After washing and opening the door, a bag of cake milk was hanging on the doorknob, still hot, and it was hung by Li Ji.The big man never talks much, but he has his heart in his eyes.I have a problem with my waist after sitting for a long time. When I went to the countryside to take a long-distance bus, Xi Ming put a hotel white pillow on the back seat of the taxi for me.In the earthquake-stricken area, there was no way to take a shower. Everyone had a small basin of water. I squatted on the mud floor, and Xiao Bi scooped up warm water from disposable plastic cups to give me a punch.On a business trip to the south in early spring, in the drizzle, old people on the street squatted in front of ivy baskets to sell bunches of new white magnolias.Xiaohong bought a small bundle for 50 cents, tied it with lead wire, put it in a glass in a small hotel, and asked me to put it next to my pillow. Before the interview, I always had a dark and gloomy face, and anyone who talked to me would look deathly. When I was a little restless, I couldn’t look at it. Chen Wei handed me his stainless steel cup, "Take a sip." I was so happy that I took it. Take a sip and hand it back to him.He refused to answer and said, "Two more sips." The hot water flowed down the throat and smoothed the face. When he was not working, Lao Hao sewed a sandbag with rags, and five or six people went to the Temple of Heaven, where the sky was wide and the earth was wide, and they played and smashed the sandbags.Lao Fan ate Lao Hao's stir-fried sesame noodles beside him, his face was full of cats... It turned out that everyone was lonely in childhood. On my birthday at the end of the year, Lao Hao opened a bottle of wine and cooked a large table of dishes.After dinner, the lights suddenly went dark, and there was a video on the TV. Lao Fan used a DV to interview people everywhere without telling me. The video was accompanied by photos of me growing up, music and fireworks.I'm really embarrassed, I'm so old, I haven't become the protagonist in my private life, I've been so nasty. The last set of shots, I almost rolled off the sofa, it was my mother!This guy actually came to my house to interview my mother.My mother wore a pair of flower glasses, blown her curly hair specially, and held a handwritten green grid manuscript paper. She looked at it formally and said: "Mom never expected that you were withdrawn and shy when you were young, and now you are a reporter. You were lonely and lonely when you were young." You, now have such a group of good comrades who are united and friendly..." As I listened, I kicked Lao Fan angrily.Xiaohong protected me with one hand and her with the other: "Okay, okay, just kick it." Lao Hao waited by the side with a tissue box, winking. They treated me like a small fist wrapped in soft silk. It smiled embarrassedly in unexpected tenderness. The rusty knuckles wanted to open and close in the creaking sound, but slowly loosened. After Lao Hao criticized me for not watching the films of other groups, I tried to watch the films in the program group as much as possible, and also watched other TV programs, and took some notes while watching. Seeking truth from facts is useful to others and yourself.There are also more reflections on my own program. Bai Yunsheng was in charge of planning a meeting to discuss the program. After listening to it, he smiled at me: "I feel that you have changed recently." Alas, only at such a great age. I wrote in my diary: "How many times a person has to be kidnapped by his own weaknesses. The sad thing is that these weaknesses can't be changed. But in the past few years, the people around me have treated me like Chen Shengge said,' Because of your gentleness to me, I know how to be good to others', I can at least recognize what is not good, and most importantly, I can think about some issues on the premise that 'others may be right'." At the meeting at the end of the year, I apologized to the group: "I'm sorry, I'm usually too irritable." Everyone laugh, okay, forgive you. I quit again: "Yo, I just said that, you really dare to accept it, who dares to say that I am irritable, let me see." They laughed. Later, he gave me a couplet: "Chai Xiaojing, brave introspection, always self-willed." After Song became an adult, I met him at Dr. Bai's place. Dr. Bai said that she has always regretted something.When the father and son were on stage and Song yelled "I hate you" in front of everyone, she should "entrust" the father. It meant that she should have asked the man to talk about his "helplessness", as a son and a father, the embarrassment and pain when he was stuck in two identities, so that both parties could understand more.Everyone is an existence in various relationships, and the pain is because of being frozen, fixed in place, and unable to turn to other people's perspectives to experience the helplessness of others. I heard her say that I also have some regrets. When I filmed that episode, I was only in my twenties, and I was just a child complaining about my grievances, and I didn't understand the father's plight. Doctor Bai smiled and said, "You were very shy back then, you can tell by your eyes." She suddenly started talking about herself.Before she was three years old, her mother fostered her elsewhere and lived with her older sister. After the reunion, she felt that her mother was not close, and she felt that her mother liked her older sister more.Fifty years on, she has two dogs to repair her trauma "because that feeling of injustice has always been there".The original six-year-old dog named Xiaomei was always let her hug her and lie in her arms. The new stray dog ​​Niuniu watched eagerly beside her. She wanted to put her down to hug Niuniu, but she refused. Giving up her position, she couldn’t put it down, so she also experienced “my sister’s pain when I grew up with my mother and suddenly joined a member”, and knew that “there are many people who stay in each role. uncomfortable". Knowing this, "I forgave my mother," she said. Life is a flowing process, and people can flow.Now that Song has grown up and has a girlfriend, he is sandwiched between his girlfriend and his mother. He said that he has more or less experienced his father's feelings back then.Dr. Bai told him and me: "Reconciliation means leaving a place in my heart for that person to come in." It wasn't patience, it wasn't tolerance, she pointed to her chest, "It's about letting him stay with me. "Chen Ma said, "The basis of tolerance is understanding." I gradually realized that the basis of understanding is feeling.When a person can feel others, his heart becomes soft. Softness is not fragility, but resilience.As Dr. Bai said, "Only when you are strong can you become soft."I had a stage where I ordered myself not to have feelings in the show, thinking that the premise of objectivity is to be calm, and the truth will be lost in tears. Any one of the two parties involved in it, has some feelings, and the conflicting feelings will restrain each other, reach a balance, present an "objective" result, and reveal the true colors of the world. After 2007, people in the group gradually dispersed, and investigative reporting declined. Xiao Hong went to Xinjiang, Yang Chun went to Egypt, Xiao Xiangtian, He Xiaopeng, and old Chen Qiang all left the "investigative news" at that time.I asked Xiao Xiang why he left, and he said, "I don't feel happy anymore." He didn't say goodbye to everyone, and chose to leave on the reporter's day - "to remember".I gradually went to the office less and less, and there were only empty desks.Later, the office was moved to a dark and sunless large utility room, and the arrows on the steps that were originally marked once a year were wiped off. Lao Fan also went abroad. We barely communicated for a year.I think her character must have entered the foreign society, don't hold her back, let her play.On my birthday, she left a message on the Internet, saying that she hadn't contacted me because she was afraid of disturbing me.After knowing each other for so many years, the two of them are still like this, able to take one step to a thousand rivers and mountains... Fortunately, they know the starting point and the destination. Old Hao and I depended on each other for our lives, hanging out every day.In the middle of the night, when she was editing a film, someone gave her a box of fresh Pipi shrimp.She cooked it for me, and I rushed downstairs to pick it up. The elevator was about to stop, and the two of them ran away.They passed each other on the small street that was as wide as two people, and there was no one waiting downstairs when they reached the other side, and they didn't bring their mobile phones.Looking for a public phone to call the mobile phone, but no one answered, looked around in a daze and walked back, step by step, to the densely populated Malatang stall, when I looked up and met, I don't know why, I was so silly and happy. If this road does not turn or retreat, it will not last long.Old Hao said: "It's a dead end if you go this way." But after a while, she said: "If you don't go this way, you will be a dead end." then let's go. This year, my blog also stopped.The outside world is silent, and people's arrogance is slightly reduced. The profession of host is more or less tainted with arrogance. When you take the microphone, you feel that you have the right to speak, and it is easy to get responses. The real self only has a little bit of things in the newspapers and magazines in his mind, empty in the stomach, short-tempered, eager to praise and criticize, it is ridiculous to look back. The sixth brother was so happy that he made a good-looking "Reading Library" notebook every year to send to friends, and asked, "Would you buy it in the store?" "meeting." "I know you won't." After a while, he picked up the small wine glass and said, "But I like it, and I have spare energy, so I will do it." After half a year, he asked again: "Have you used the book?" "No, I don't want to." Most of them answered like this. He said: "At the age of sixteen or seventeen, we all copied aphorisms and articles in our notebooks, but now we don't take it seriously." What he said was reasonable, there was nothing to do all night long, and there was no sound around. I took out these books, copied them, and wrote them down when I had doubts, trying to ask myself and answer them.There is no purpose in seeking knowledge at leisure, just to solve my own confusion.When you look up with sour eyes, you can see the lights of the city outside the window. The more you know about others, the less important your personal sorrows and joys are. In the book, you can see why the world has been like this for thousands of years, and what happens to you is just inevitable Part of it is still Xiaohong's words: "It's just that life itself is full of contradictions." At the end of the year, when I was in the car on a business trip, I received a call from Lao Hao. She said, "I have something to tell you." What did I say? There was no sound from her. In the blink of an eye, I knew: "You're in love..." "cut." "Are you in a relationship?" "You're in love!" "Don't shout!" I know her temper, and she will never say anything without certainty, which means that she is finally going to be happy. In the past six years, how many times have the two of us walked through the dilapidated streets, tried on clothes in small shops, worried in front of the mirror together, and pinched the faces of the little fat people along the road one by one. They smiled at us, and we almost cried.Now she is finally going to be happy. "God why are you telling me now?" "Dead man, don't shout, they will hear you." I hung up the phone and sent Lao Fan a text message.She called right away, screaming, "I'll be back tomorrow." After hanging up the phone, the car drove forward. Chen Wei sat in the passenger seat. After a while, he looked back at me and smiled: "Hey, Reporter Chai, I haven't seen you cry in these years." "You don't care." I said with a sob. On the eve of Lao Hao's big wedding day, we were still in Chengdu to interview Sun Weiming's drunk driving case. After finishing, we must catch up with the weekly broadcast. She asked me: "Can he get the marriage certificate by himself?" "Get lost." I said, "You go back early tomorrow morning, and I'll keep an eye on you from behind." When I went back after filming, she also stayed in the computer room on her wedding night, always sick.I massaged her shoulders, pulled her left hand, and looked at her fingers, rose gold.I tsk tsk tsk, she ignored me, she put her right hand on the editing machine and turned the knob, repeatedly looking for a point where the simultaneous sound was accurate. She hadn't slept much for three days, and the groom came to deliver the food and then left. We worked for a while, and I said, "Old Hao." "Ok." "Old Hao." "Say." "I'm going to die in the future, and my baby will be entrusted to you." She didn't look back: "Of course." Three months later, I was notified to leave "Investigative Journalism". I came back very late that day, the elevator was closed, and I had to climb up to the eighteenth floor.The lights in the stairwell flickered on and off, and I walked step by step by feeling the wall, which was dark and cold. I remembered that I went to interview with Tan Yun in the deep mountains of Sichuan one year. There was a heavy snowfall that hadn’t happened in decades, and the small orange trees in the mountains were covered with snow. I asked Zhang Lin to stand in the car and picked a few from the trees. .Holding a small bright red one in my hand, it was a bit stinging and cold to the bone, but the sweetness tempered by the snow was the best orange I have ever eaten. We walked to the town at noon, the water pipes were frozen and the water was cut off. We found a small restaurant and asked them to order noodles, fried a few eggs, and cut some hard sausages covered with frost.The fat proprietress took a bowl, dipped in red chili oil, pepper oil, and green garlic leaves, and threw a handful of coriander into it. In the ice and snow, around the steaming stove, eating something warm, Li Ji said: "It's really like Chinese New Year." As for me, among the mountains, standing in the dirty field, my feet were so cold that I was about to fall off, I took deep breaths of air full of crushed snow into my lungs, and couldn't help but say in my heart: "Damn, I I really like this job." Now I have to leave. Since then, I have never been to investigate again, nor have I said goodbye to my colleagues.What can be said is already known, and there is no need to say what cannot be said.The only thing I am worried about is Lao Hao. Since then, she has not cooperated with the reporters on camera, and Wan Shui Qianshan is alone.But we can't say that between the two of us. After I worked on other programs for a long time, the internal magazine of the news center asked everyone to say something to me, and the investigators wrote what they said to me in it.Chen Wei did not write, and sent me a text message: "Match, when will you be back?" I said, "Wait, don't worry." He said, "Don't worry." I don't know how to answer. There is a sentence from Lao Hao in the inner magazine: "She is the strongest-willed reporter I have ever seen. We have known each other for six years. I really hope that we will live together in another youth for six years, and we will stand side by side again." Six years... Six years ago, it was still in 2004, everyone was there, no matter where they were on business trips, how remote the road was, thunderstorms and lightning outside, there were songs one after another in the car.If the taxi has a stereo, everyone will sing along. If there is no stereo, everyone will sing along with whoever starts. I don’t know where the energy comes from. The singing is endless, as if youth has no end. Once, I don’t remember where I was on a business trip. There was a thin layer of twilight. In the taxi, I hummed a song: "I am obsessed with your lace..." "Weaving my long-despaired dreams..." Someone continued to sing. It's Hiro.I turned my head to look at him. This is a very uncommon song by Zheng Zhihua. When I was in middle school, I sang it countless times on my way to and from school alone. I had never heard anyone else sing it. He stopped singing. I turned back again, looked at the scenery for a while, and then hummed casually: "Don't ask me why I am so attached..." 这次是两个人的声音接下去了：“我不再与世界争辩……” 我猛一回头，盯着老范，她个小破孩，连郑智化是谁都不知道，怎么可能会唱这歌？ 她一脸天真地看着我：“你老唱，我们就去网上找来学啦。” I do not believe. 他俩说：“不信你听啊。” 小宏对老范说：“来，妹妹，预备……起——不要问我为何如此眷恋，我不再与世界争辩，如果离去的时刻钟声响起，让我回头看见你的笑脸。” 他们合唱完了，傻乎乎冲着我笑。