Chapter 2 Sick Gap Broken Pen 2
I am Shi Tiesheng—I thought it was a bit strange when I was very young, as if I could be something else besides me.This feeling has been indelible, especially when I am alone, and I finally want to understand: Shi Tiesheng is me in the eyes of others, and I am not all Shi Tiesheng.
In most cases, I was reduced and beautified by Shi Tiesheng.Reduction is inevitable.Beautification may be due to the goodwill of others, or out of my disguise, or out of a certain style of habit-Chinese people love hymns.Therefore, besides Shi Tiesheng, there is a richer and more chaotic version of me.Such me, even I often see him as a mystery.I'm sure he's there, but it won't be easy to catch them all.In short, he was far from the middle-aged man in a wheelchair with sharp edges.There is a kind of magical power in the daytime, which often makes people cautious, hesitant, and even panic because of the concern of a name.Once the magic of the day is gone and the freedom of night comes, the name falls off as a flat painted skin, and the rest gradually overlaps with me. Although it seems hazy, it becomes real.This is a necessary psychological environment for both being alone and writing.
When my first cousin was born, a relative who was well versed in yin and yang counted that the five elements were deficient in iron this year, so the name of the male historians of this generation has the word iron in them. The cousins are all living healthy now, However, I was still suffering from iron deficiency due to various illnesses. I took oral injections every day to barely maintain the balance of iron consumption and consumption.Fortunately, after "iron", my parents chose the word "birth" for me. They must have never paid attention to it at the beginning, but looking at it now, it seems like a blessing for me to survive repeated illnesses.
This name is extremely vulgar. I'm afraid there are not hundreds of thousands of "Tiesheng" in China?After making a living with pen and ink, I have the opportunity to get another elegant name, but think about it, a single yuppie is afraid that it is neither fish nor fowl, and what is inside is still what it is, and one thing more is worse than one thing less.An old classmate once said to me: When I first heard the name but didn't see this person, I expected that "Ironborn" would be bare-chested and bald.I asked him if he ever knew such a Tiesheng?No, he said it was grotesque to say that the imagination was groundless.But I understand: shirtless and bald is a common image of rudeness and stupidity.I was shocked at the time: at least let him be half right!If rudeness is not enough, stupidity must be out and out.When I was shocked, I was young, and I dare not say that I have self-knowledge, but my subconscious mind is not restrained, and I can see everything clearly when I hit the nail on the head.
Iron, a kind of unrefined thing, looking back after 48 years, this iron student really has prepared all the possible stupidity in human nature, greed, anger, and ignorance, as well as a lot of arrogance and cowardice in his bones, He's so vain, wants face, and pretends to know what he doesn't know, so sometimes he can't help but be cunning, so if he orders a few things casually, I'm afraid he won't have them.
However, I think the most fundamental nature of this iron life is two, one is low self-esteem (fear), and the other is lust (want).It doesn't seem clear who comes first and who comes last, but if you think about it carefully, you still have to be in the front, if you want it, you should be afraid of it, and the fear will be deep.For example, if you want to be favored by a certain woman, but worry that you don't have the corresponding ability, self-esteem comes from it.Of course, this Tie Sheng was not precocious enough to focus on the opposite sex as soon as he was born, but he did see the opposite sex as soon as he opened his eyes.He wanted the shadow of a tree, and he couldn't get it.He wanted his mother to never leave, but was cut off.He hoped that everyone would applaud him, but everyone regarded him as a speck of dust.When I look at the photos of Shi Tiesheng when he was young, I often feel a sneer in my heart: he will suffer in the future.
To be honest, he can’t be considered stupid, he has high-level comprehension and low-level memory (these two indicators are usually used to evaluate the pros and cons of computers), so combined, his IQ is just medium-I promise not to underestimate , and do not want to exaggerate.
The poor memory may be related to his growing up on soy milk instead of cow's milk.When I was young, not only could I not drink a lot of milk, but I also didn’t like to drink milk. I finally bought milk, but I preferred to drink soy milk.The person who bought the soy milk was a pockmarked old man, and he had expressed his love for me.If all the children love to drink soy milk like me, I think the old man will like it even more.
Maybe a child with a poor memory will be suitable for writing novels and essays when he grows up.It’s not that he must be good at writing, but it’s more likely to be worse if he does anything else.Children with poor memory who want to learn mathematics, chemistry, and foreign languages must be looking for boredom, which is different from wanting to drink soy milk.Fortunately, writing novels and proses does not strictly require memory. A vague memory wins impressions, atmospheres, intuitions, dreams, and searches, which is conducive to fiction and mind wandering. The disadvantage is that it is also conducive to nonsense.
What is prose?My opinion is: there is no way to say what it is, only what it is not.It therefore exists outside of all deterministic things, or rather, outside the determinism of all things.If there are still some homeless thoughts wandering in places that cannot be shrouded by the various rules that have been planned during the day, then most of them are prose—whether it is written or not.But it's not an asylum, it's what it is once it's contained to a certain norm.But its true nature is that it is nothing, that is to say, it never stays, but walking is its home.Where it finally went no one can tell.I even have an almost narrow opinion: an article, if you don't recognize what it is (style), it is prose.For example, if you have some literary ideas and don’t know whether to turn it into an epic or an advertisement, you write it into prose.However, if one day, people praise you for writing pure prose, then you have to be careful, it is afraid that it has entered into a certain conclusion.
What about novels?In my opinion, novels have come to this day, but they are more fictional than prose.
In fact, I may not be suitable to be a writer, but fate has brought me to this (approximate) road.When the left and right are confused, there must always be a way to go, and you can no longer use your legs to walk this way, so you use your pen to find it.And this kind of search was later found to be beneficial to this iron life, and it is conducive to the tranquility of the most restless heart in the world.
It is possible that my writing has little or nothing to do with literature.I just walked in an unclear way, and I couldn't help nagging; I walked alone and looked around;I am just a writer, and I have nothing to do with any "learning".Learning is a very delicate thing, especially it needs to be recognized.Mathematics, philosophy, aesthetics, and literature are not about playing around.Writing is not the case, there are not so many rules, idiots can talk about dreams, catch wind and shadows, and full of doubts can count.Of course, the text is at your own risk.
Writing saved Shi Tiesheng and me, otherwise what would I do with my life?Of course, you can also do other things, such as painting eggs, I have painted, I really don't like it.I like sports, football, basketball, track and field, mountain climbing, and go to the wilderness to see wild animals, but this is no longer possible for Shi Tiesheng.Writing for a living is a forced and helpless thing.At the beginning, I advised him like this: You die as soon as you die, and as long as you write, you can write as soon as you write, just take one step at a time and speak one step at a time.In this way, he actually earned some money and gained a little reputation.This stupid iron student has never been so pure that he doesn't like these two things. Besides, money can support "heavy flesh", and fame is used to support weak vanity.When his frail heart gradually became stronger, I did see the absurd side of the name, but don't cross the river and tear down the bridge. I remember that it stretched out a kind hand when we were most desperate.
My writing is ultimately about making a living.But it is divided into several levels, first for food, clothing, shelter, and transportation, and then it is not enough, seeing value and vanity, and then not enough, but seeing absurdity.Is absurdity enough?So I was sent on this endless road.
Shi Tiesheng and I, the biggest shortcoming is that sometimes we can't help lying.Fortunately, we have another great advantage: honesty.This is not a contradiction.We never lie at the same time.When I lie, he will quietly twist my heart.I also informed him in a similar way when he lied.None of us don't lie.None of us have ever lied.None of us are guaranteed to stop lying.But we're all annoyed at each other's lies and ashamed at each other's accusations.Anger and shame sometimes kept us awake at night complaining to each other.
Public honesty is of course best, but it is difficult for us right now.The next best thing is to stay honest in private so that you can at least see yourself clearly.Seeing yourself clearly may be the most important thing.But can you really see yourself clearly?At least we have a strong desire to do so.who am I?And what is Shi Tiesheng?has always been our focus.
Why is Public Honesty Difficult?Why is it easier for Shi Tiesheng and me to be honest?We all believe that there must be a tortuous and interesting logic in it.
A person who is full of desires like Shi Tiesheng is suitable to be hit by fate, such as paraplegia, uremia, drop out of school, unemployment, lovelorn and so on.Over the years, I have gradually come to see this person clearly, if not for this, I guess his life would be in vain.If not, what would he be doing?I'm not sure, but I guess he will inevitably go to some hot occasions to boo him, I understand his unwillingness to be lonely.He would bump into things and find nothing, he would worry about gains and losses, and he would never get what he wanted, and then he would excuse himself and torture himself with big words such as "being born at the wrong time".It’s not that hotness is necessarily bad, I mean that such a place is not suitable for him, such a place must be based on real talents, or must have a strong will, natural chic, I know he doesn’t have it, I know he can’t do it. I may not be convinced in my heart, so I finally saw clearly: it is best for this person to let fate give him a little color in advance, in case he is hopeless.However, there is a disadvantage as well as an advantage, and the desire has its own advantages, otherwise it will be troublesome if you lose your vitality after all kinds of blows.After years of grievances, I suddenly realized: God did nothing wrong to Shi Tiesheng and me.
I think the two most essential codes written by God for humanity are: disability and love.Disability is incompleteness, limitation, hindrance...it is material, it is reality.Love is spiritual, it is a dream, it is a wish for happiness, it is boundless, especially the possibility of breaking through boundaries and limits, it is an incomplete remedy.Every person, every generation, and all the stories in the world are very different and ever-changing, but the bottom line will eventually reveal these two kinds of news.Reality and dreams, reason and passion, body and spirit, as well as war and peace, science and art, fate and faith, resentment and tolerance, hardship and joy... the above items will inevitably expose incompleteness, or limitations, so fill in the following item, and the latter item all point to the future of love.
Let’s just talk about Shi Tiesheng and me. For so many years, his disability has caused me a lot.I originally wanted to run the 100 meters in 9.7 seconds, jump to 2.5 meters in the high jump, and then climb Mount Everest, but this iron life dragged me back, and I was not born and acquired, which is good. , Others thought I was a braggart.That's all for now, but he suddenly didn't leave, and then didn't urinate, so I had to go to the hospital with him for "dialysis"-get all the blood out of the body and wash it, and put it back after washing it. In less than three days, I have to do it all over again.Isn't it troublesome!But what can I do?In the end, I had to convince him, this or that. I really spent a lot of time talking day and night, so that he agreed to survive, and suddenly told me on a certain day of a certain year that he wanted to write.OK, let's write.What kind of literature, I can't stand it!After writing for a long time, it was actually the words I told him day and night.Of course, he also said something to me. This is how we have been talking to each other in the past few decades, otherwise this life would be really impossible.As he talked, he couldn't figure out when he finally believed in it: Hell and heaven are both in the world, that is, disability and love, original sin and salvation.
People can go to heaven, but they cannot go to heaven.Moving towards means the establishment of the other shore.Come, isn't it the disappearance of the other shore?The disappearance of the other shore means the end of faith and the abandonment of salvation.Therefore, heaven is not a space, not a material existence, but a way, a constant journey of the spirit.
Materiality (such as the physical body) is always a limitation.Arriving (no matter where) must still be a limitation, otherwise how can we talk about it?Limitation cannot save limitation, just like "the blind cannot guide the blind".what is heavenIt is the confrontation with this material limitation that is the infinite gaze of the finite side to the other side.Whoever can prove another kind of time and space, and prove that a certain material "heaven" no matter how good can be reached, should also be able to prove another kind of limitation.Another kind of limitation then calls for another kind of other shore.Therefore, between restriction and gaze, between this shore and the other shore, salvation is still a constant spiritual journey.
Does this mean that heaven cannot be established?Is it a lie to say "go to heaven"?I think that the material heaven is doomed to be difficult, but the spiritual heaven is established just in the middle of the trend, and the eternal limitation is the basis for its eternal establishment.To put it vividly: If you really go to heaven, then what?Then neither the sight nor the other proves that the land reached is not complete, and if you go forever to it, you are always in its light.
Disability and love, these two kinds of news, are particularly emphasized in Shi Tiesheng's fate.To this naturally obtuse man, I said, this emphasis is proper.I just didn't expect that Shi Tiesheng gradually understood this matter after he was forty years old.
These two kinds of news came almost at the same time, both when he was twenty-one years old.
A person who was fully prepared to meet love, finally ushered in disability first-in any case, this trick is enough damage.I don't believe anyone can not panic, not cry.Besides, that was not the result of an honorable act, it was an extremely ordinary event, as ordinary as waking up, looking at the sky, it was still blue, and looking at the ground, the ground had not collapsed, but with every move, the situation changed. Not quite right - your relationship to Earth has changed a little bit.Yes, you can no longer rub it with the soles of your feet but with your butt, or with your whole body.Yes, the first is sitting, the second is lying down, and the third is dying.Well, that's it, no more reason is needed.I'm glad he quickly discovered the gist of the problem: there's no reason!You didn't make any mistakes, no one made any mistakes, you don't need to repent, and you don't need to resent.Let the wind say "sorry" to you?And you will know in the future: God is not wrong, never has been.
Disability, just like this, never leave.In fact, it didn’t come just now, it arrived right after you were born, and your inability (not just inability to leave) is all due to its performance, this time it’s just to emphasize it.This is true for a certain iron student, and it is also true for all people. What is impossible for a person is a limitation, a disability, and it has never left.
It has been following us like a shadow, wandering through the ages and never going away, does it have something to say?
The first thing it wants to say is: where is the most fundamental hardship of disability?
Also take what Shi Tiesheng encountered as an example: no, it doesn't hurt, it doesn't itch, it's not a serious physical pain, it just brings some inconvenience to mobility, but as long as you accept the wheelchair (or crutches and prosthetics, blind cane Like Braille, sign language, and lip reading), you can live, find something to do, and walk on the pavement.However, this only proves that he is alive, and it is not certain what he will become after living.Like a diligent old ox, like a grass that can't be destroyed by wind and sand, it's running like a watch for decades... I doubt that this kind of description must be a compliment to people?Isn't man much more advanced than cows, trees and machines? "Chestnut-flavored sweet potatoes" is a compliment, but isn't "sweet potato-flavored chestnuts" a lie?
People can't just live, and can't just be proud of their high productivity and extraordinary endurance.For example, living without love, what do you think?When love is described by poems and songs, and is regarded as more important than life (life is precious, love is more expensive), but some people live outside of love, how can this be said?Moreover, such "outside" is often regarded as justified and acquiesced, which is to push the problem to fate after sighing.Therefore, such "outside" does not refer to not yet entering, but not being able to enter, or not suitable to enter. "Can't" and "unsuitable" are not written on paper, sometimes written on the face, more often written in the heart.It is often written in the hearts of others, but sometimes it is so sad that it is written in my own heart.
I remember that when love came, this iron man's legs were disabled, how much he longed for love, but I wrote "no entry" into his heart with my own hands.In fact, Shi Tiesheng and I started complaining to each other again, we couldn't sleep well, we couldn't eat and sleep, he said yes, I said no, I said yes, he said no.The sad thing is that the party who says no often seems to be awe-inspiring, while the pair of brothers and sisters who say yes seem to have ghosts in their hearts.However, in such disputes, after all, ghosts defeat righteousness. After a little time, the result should be very clear.Can the wind not defeat the clouds?Can a mountain block a river?Isn't the result out now? ——Shi Tiesheng lived comfortably with a wife and no children.But not at that time. At that time, it was a fucking hell. I always felt that my true feelings were entrapment to others, and it was fine to entrap one person. But that scene was like a lady's stockings jumping, and the longitude, latitude and longitude were intertwined. , One hole is a large area, this is the key: "can't" is written all over the four weeks!This is the most fundamental hardship of disability.
This is not necessarily a narrow and small hardship that should be endured.People who lose the right to love will inevitably suffer comprehensive damage to their rights, just as in the era when love was deprecated, human rights were generally threatened.
It is debatable to say that the primary problem for persons with disabilities is employment.If employment is only for survival, there is no reason why it must be better than relief; therefore, it is better than relief because it shows that disabled people have the same right to work.Since it is a right, nothing is secondary.If one right is neglected, why must other rights be guaranteed?If its rights stop at work, it is not necessarily a human characteristic, what about cattle and horses?If one thinks that people with disabilities can (or should, or have to) live outside of love, why is it impossible to take a step back and think that they too can live outside the classroom, outside the stadium, outside the movie theater, outside the public realm of all kinds? …and finally live outside of full human rights and dignity?
Yes, yes, sometimes it is necessary to do this, and sometimes the able-bodied people also have to. Those who have not found a happy love in their life are not just disabled people!Well, here's another key: Is there any difference between a man who has not won a medal and a man who has no right to compete?
But wait.After talking for a long time, who said that disabled people have no right to love?No matter which Tiesheng, he can't use a false premise to support his argument!certainly.However, discrimination must be declared publicly?Surely there is no discrimination in areas where it has been declared inadmissible?Or, on the contrary, is the voice intolerable precisely because discrimination exists?
Well, even so, does the right to love really deserve such prominence?
Yes.That's because, similarly, this world also highlights disability.
Disabilities are not unique to persons with disabilities.Disability means incompleteness, limitation, hindrance.Being a person is already a limitation.The physical body is born to be an obstacle to the mind, otherwise how can the ideal come into being?Disability is not limited to limbs or organs, but also due to oppression and damage to the mind, such as discrimination.Discrimination is not limited to persons with disabilities, it is everywhere.The reason for discrimination is that people deviate from the value of God's love and blindly measure people by their social functions, so the fruits of the tree of good and evil make the differences between people stand out.Under the glory and humiliation, the heart is guarded at first, then alienated, and finally lonely.The mind then groans and calls out at the same time.What are you calling for?For example, what are the Paralympics calling for?What was Martin Luther King's dream calling for?It is all about continuing a sound path for the disabled body and opening a path of love for the isolated soul.The news of disability and love is always lingering like this, never leaving, everywhere.After all, real progress is difficult to measure by productivity, not by the redemption of love for disability.
However, discrimination against the love rights of disabled people is often acquiesced and even considered justified.This extreme case of spiritual oppression may be a symbol, a warning, interpreting God's fables everywhere and everywhere with the pain of being excluded from love and the unquenchable dream of going to love.Perhaps God wants to use disabled people to emphasize people's disabilities, their lost and dangerous situations, and the necessity and sanctity of love.
One of the heaviest reasons why the love of disabled people suffers from the cold face of the world is sexual dysfunction.This is a most public doubt - all inwardly asking: will they do it?At the same time, it is the most secret judgment - without any hearing and defense, the conclusion has already been reached: they can't do it.This openness and secrecy, coincidentally manifested as silence, or wry smile and pity, and this is the strongest barrier, the most desperate imprisonment!The handicapped thus resembles a character in Kafka's novels, and also resembles the crying soul in Dostoevsky's basement.
Unspeakable secrets may not all be washed away.Shi Tiesheng and I are both a little stubborn, thinking that the wall of silence must be broken by words after all.In my humble opinion, there are two reasons why people in the world believe that disabled persons are necessarily incapable.One is to think that love is only a vassal of reproduction, you can be full of children and grandchildren without knowing what love is, but you can't fly together without laying eggs.This may be a reasonable way of thinking for the survival of the fittest species competition, but human beings have long since had no such worries. What is dangerous is whether the loveless kind will bully and hate each other, and accidentally play an atomic bomb one day. Evolution suddenly regressed back to zero one evening.The second is the lack of imagination, and they believe that sex is just a custom left over from the primitive. Apart from imitating and breeding according to the scriptures, they can’t think of anything more beautiful.That dark cloud that seems to be overwhelming is actually just such a little thing.Once the unspeakable secret is revealed, sex is liberated from the shackles of reproduction, what sexual barriers do disabled people have?It is entirely possible that, under the threat from all sides, a lonely heart can hear the sound of sex more, so the whimsy and whimsy make things more exciting.
Foucault said in a book: "Madness is not a natural phenomenon, but a product of civilization. Without the history of various cultures that describe this phenomenon as madness and persecute it, there will be no history of madness." What has been said about madness also applies, in my opinion, to disabilities, and especially to the so-called sexual disorders of the disabled.The mutilation of limbs or organs is a biological problem, while the sexual problems of disabled people (and all people) are basically cultural.You must be able to see the miracles of a certain culture and the cage of a certain culture from various sexual methods in ancient and modern China and abroad.For example, Ma Duras's description of sex, no matter how explicit, is not as dirty as Ximen Qing.
Sex, why is it an obstacle?It's really confusing.Are you dead?
After getting rid of the monopoly of reproduction, sex has grown into a language, and has become the most important expression and prayer of the soul.Of course it is an expression of love.Of course, it is to pray for the reunion of lost souls.Will such a desire be hindered by a physical disability?joke!People who yearn for love, don't believe that!If you want to love, you must love like an infatuated lover, love like a dreamer who forgets death, see other people's suspicious eyes like a will-o'-the-wisp, and go boldly on your night road.You must be able to find your way, you must be able to express your beautiful wishes with your damaged body, and you must be able to create colorful and even unique sexual language for the prayer of love.Shi Tiesheng and I, we couldn't see why this couldn't be the case.Perhaps, for such an ability, only the silent wall can kill it and cripple it.But it is not necessarily true. In fact, the only natural enemy of the disabled is their own silent endurance and submission against their will.
The disabled and all people should say "yes" to the difficult life, but say "no" to the unspeakable wall, which is the disability of human nature.In the same book, Foucault quotes Dostoevsky at the outset: "One cannot confirm one's sanity by confining one's neighbor." And whoever can break this confinement can expose the invisible Together, it is a prayer of love, an artistic inspiration to arouse life, and a "poetic dwelling" for human beings.
Someone once said: Sex, from reproduction to entertainment, is a kind of progress.But that is probably only the progress of animals, which shows that the prosperity of this kind of group is no longer worrying about extinction.If it turns from entertainment to art, then it can be regarded as human progress.
It is art that has to speak, and you can't just fumble around for fun.The art of sexuality is to confide, express, and pray for the beauty in the depths of the soul with an extraordinary language.Or, in fact, it is the extraordinary beauty of this beauty that makes the ordinary body endowed with spirit.Of course, if the beauty is still material, you might as well go about your business covered in jewels, but if the beauty is the reunion of the soul, all ornaments will be superfluous, and all the signs of the material world will still be ugly coverings, yes The sequelae of mental isolation.At the moment of spiritual reunion, you only need the wealth that God gave you: your limited body shape, and your love desire that broke out of shape.You are trembling, try to express it with your naked figure, it is the purest material of a sculptor, the most essential language of a poet, the ultimate truth of philosophy, and the expectation of God.Don't be afraid of shame, and don't believe in sensuality, there is no soup for them in the field of love.Any strange sexual words, once it becomes an expression of love, it is the moment when the devil submits to God... The condemner is because he has not broken his ties.
What is purity?We are not unclean because of our flesh.We are not unclean because of our affections.I don't believe that the heartless can love.I often see obscenity because I see some false signs, obsequious packaging and magnified awe.Fornication is nothing but the appropriation of the wealth that God has placed in man.
But hello!Tie Sheng, you are not confusing love with love, are you?Didn't you deliberately exaggerate the relationship between men and women after confusing them?
ask me?I don't think so.
And let no one try to frighten people, and don't try to annihilate what is commonly called love with big words like love of humanity, love of nations, or love of the motherland.Both Shi Tiesheng and I have experienced such times.It was such an era that devalued love as "personal love between men and women".It was such an era that tainted the word love with a derogatory connotation, and innocently gave her a bad reputation of being narrow-minded and wretched.To paraphrase Dostoevsky's words: the nobility of human love cannot be affirmed by demeaning personal love wishes.
There is absolutely no disrespect for human love (or: fraternity), personal love is in it, and there is no need to confuse it.If personal love can be belittled and forbidden by something, that thing is likely to develop infinitely, and one day it will dare to do anything.This Tiesheng is really stupid, he dared to have doubts about an ancient masterpiece-"Life is precious, love is more expensive, if it is for the sake of freedom, both can be thrown away." The question lies in the second throw.After all this throwing, what is left of freedom?Let it be hoped that what is thrown does not refer to the right of love or the love wish of the heart, but only to a specific lover, a prospective marriage.But even so, I think it's better to have a sad mood, not just heroic.Don't throw too smoothly.I should have time to think about the mood of the person who was thrown out. Of course, if he (she) is equally heroic, then I am troubled.In fact, I have always respected Haomai, and I also believe that individuals sometimes have to make sacrifices.However, this should be the person's own choice. If he would rather not be so heroic, he should have reason to be cowardly.However, the term "cowardice" is already a trap. It is the same as "infidelity between men and women", and it already presupposes derogation or negation, and under this derogation and negation, freedom has lost its reason (this is probably discourse hegemony) .Ever since, freedom has become a kind of magic trick—a dove is put in, and an eagle comes out?
This stupid person often sits alone in the twilight and asks: Since love is so beautiful, why praise it for stopping at one-on-one?Why can't it be generalized to 1 to 2, to 3, to 4...so that n is to n, all to all?At this time, I surrounded him and reminded him like the darkness around him: Yes, this is the ideal, but don't forget the reality.
The reality is: isolation of the mind.
The reality is that man ate the fruit from the tree of good and evil, thus deviated from the perspective of God's love, and only valued man's social value, physical functions (strength, IQ, beauty, chic), and material possessions.If it were not for this reality, love would not need to be especially praised.If fraternity is as uniform and deep as the air, why should a part of it be extolled alone?But this reality did not dissipate as expected, so love came to the fore and took on the ideal of love.It strives to open up a clear sky, a pure land, regardless of success or failure, it believes that it is a necessary existence, a symbol, and a pioneer along the way.With its presence, it shows that the ancient wish cannot be abandoned.
Fraternity is an ideal, and love is a part of this ideal that can be realized.Therefore, love has a meaning beyond itself, it is like the fire reserved by God for the broad love, like an opportunity to listen to God’s words under the powerful siege of reality, God guides with the least dangerous 1-on-1 With the opening of the heart, it suggests to people: If this still does not remove the armor of the heart, you are only worthy of eternal punishment.
The stupid person even told me that he could hear the meaning in it: there is no reason for such a beautiful love wish to stop at 1 to 1 forever. ——I have to look at him, and at stupidity, with admiration.
So, how can the disabled (and all disabled people) let the right to love be lost?How can love be willing to hide in the desert?How can prison be released from prison, and silence be answered by speechlessness?
Honest man, speak up.It doesn't take any profound theory to prove it, it is enough to let honesty speak directly, in which love will manifest itself, and the deprived rights will return.Love is not in a place that is within reach or unattainable. It is hope that makes it born, it is words that make it exist, and it is faith that makes it immortal. It may be reality, but it is ideal at all. It is ahead, it is future.So, speak, and pay attention to this, if the language of the day is dead, use the dream language of the night, and use the spirit of poetry.
It's unrealistic, isn't it?But what do you think of the reality without love?
Recently I saw an article with the title: "The only requirement of life is to be alive".This made me think for a long time, but I couldn't agree with it.Dead things cannot be called life. Life is of course alive, and to live and demand to live is to say that life is enough and there is no need for any requirements.If there is a requirement, "life" must be greater than "living", and living is not the only life.
If "to live" means "to survive", then it needs to be specially explained. "Live" and "survive" are not necessarily the same thing. To "live" and to develop the determination to "live", it is expected that something has happened that makes it difficult to live.what?Obviously it's not just about air, water, and nutrients, because "life" in this case obviously doesn't mean rats, etc. either.For example, love and freedom, without it, surely you can still live?Of course, the mouse can, so it just "lives" and does not make the determination to "live", and does not think that there is anything more to be emphasized about being alive.When the word life refers to a person, there are many requirements, not just living is enough?It is said that ideals and pursuits are things outside the body-this body must be only a physical body, but the physical body does not write, there is no ideal and pursuit, and it is impossible to see what is outside the body.Once you see the outside and the inside, life is not just living.
And love, as an ideal, is not limited to reality, and even has the meaning of resisting reality, just like poetry, a poet said: "Poetry is the correction of life."
(I think the author of that article must have neglected the difference between "the only" and "the first". If the first requirement of life is to be alive, I don't think there is any doubt about it.)
But resistance is not easy, and it is not enough to rely on emotions and bravery.If it doesn't work out, the resistance is very strong and firm, but resentment not only bites itself, but also scares others away.
For example, we often hear such words: what about us disabled people, it is impossible for them to understand.To say "they did not understand" would be an understatement, but it is clearly a call for understanding.If it is "impossible to understand", why do you say it?To whom?说给“不可能理解”的人听，你傻啦？那么就是说给自己听。依史铁生和我的经验看，不断地这样说给自己听，用自我委屈酿制自我感动，那不会有别的结果，那只能是自我囚禁、自我戕害，并且让“不可能理解”的人眼睁睁地看着一个自虐者自虐而束手无策。
再比如，还经常会碰见这样的句式：我们残疾人是最（）的，因此我们残疾人其实是最（）的。第一个括号里，多半可以填上“艰难”和“坚强”，第二个括号里通常是“优秀”或与之相近的词。我的意思是，就算这是实情，话也最好让别人说。这不是狡猾。别人说更可能是尊重与理解，自己一说就变味——“最”都是你的，别人只有“次”。况且，你又对别人的艰难与优秀了解多少呢？
最令人不安的是，这样的话出自残疾人之口，竟会赢得掌声。这掌声值得仔细地听，那里面一定没有“看在残疾的份上”这句潜台词吗？要是一个健全人这样说，你觉得怎样？你会不会说这是自闭，自恋？可我们并不是要反抗别人呀，恰恰是反抗心灵的禁闭与隔离。
那掌声表达了提前的宽宥，提前到你以残疾的身份准备发言但还未发言的时候。甚至是提前的防御，生怕你脆弱的心以没有掌声为由继续繁衍“他们不可能理解”式的怨恨。但这其实是提前的轻蔑——你真能超越残疾，和大家平等地对话吗？糟糕的是，你不仅没能让这偏见遭受挫折，反给它提供了证据，没能动摇它反倒坚定着它。当人们对残疾愈发小心翼翼时，你的反抗早已自投罗网。
这样的反抗使残疾扩散，从生理扩散到心理，从物界扩散进精神。这类病证的机理相当复杂，但可以给它一个简单的名称：残疾情结。这情结不单残疾人可以有，别的地方，人间的其他领域，也有。马丁·路德·金说：“切莫用仇恨的苦酒来缓解热望自由的干渴。”我想他也是指的这类情结。以往的压迫、歧视、屈辱，所造成的最大遗害就是怨恨的蔓延，就是这“残疾情结”的蓄积，蓄积到湮灭理性，看异己者全是敌人，以致左突右冲反使那罗网越收越紧。被压迫者，被歧视或被忽视的人，以及一切领域中弱势的一方，都不妨警惕一下这“残疾情结”的暗算，放弃自卑，同时放弃怨恨；其实这两点必然是同时放弃的，因为曾经，它们也是一齐出生的。
中国足球的所谓“恐韩症”，未必是恐惧韩国，而是恐惧再输给韩国，未必是恐惧韩国足球的实力，而是恐惧区区韩国若干年来（其足球）竟一直压着我们，恐惧这样的历史竟不结束，以及本世纪内难道还不能结束吗？这恐惧，已不单是足球的恐惧，简直成了民族和国家的心病。要我说，其实，是这心病造成和加重了足球的恐惧，或者是它们俩互相吓唬以致恶性循环。本来嘛，足球就是足球，哪堪如此重负！世界上那么多民族、国家，体育上必各具短长，输赢寻常事，哪至于就严重到了辜负人民和祖国？倘民族或祖国的神经竟这般敏感和脆弱，倒值得想一想，其中是否蓄积着“残疾情结”？
有位著名的教练曾在电视上说：我们踢足球，就是为了打败外国队！这样的目标与体育精神有着怎样的差距姑且不论，单这样的心理，决心（如赛前所宣称）就难免变成担心（如赛后所发现）。决心基于自信，尤其是相信自己有超越和完善自己的能力，把每一次比赛都看成这样的机会。（顺便说一句，我喜欢申花队“更进一步”的口号，不喜欢国安队的“永远争第一”。至少，“更进一步”没法弄虚作假，“争第一”的手段可是很多。）担心呢，原因就复杂，但肯定已经离开了对自己的把握；把握住自己，这还有什么可担心的吗？输了也可以是更进一步。要是把人民的厚望、祖国的荣誉，乃至历来的高傲和高傲不曾实现所留下的委屈一股脑儿都交给足球，谁心里也没底，不担心才怪。
说句公道话，教练和球员们的负担是太重了，重到不是他们可以承受的也不是他们应该承受的，别再说什么“爱国主义和政治思想抓得不够”，这么多年，每一次失败都像重演，每一次教训都像复制，每一次电视台上沉痛的检讨都仿佛录像重播，莫非只有赢球那天才算政治思想抓够了？能不能从下一次来个彻底甚至过头的改变？比如说，不必期望下一次就能赢，只盼下一次能输它个漂亮！漂亮到底，对，明明已经出局也还是抱住漂亮不撒手！体育，原是要在模拟的困境中展现坚强、美丽的精神。爱国——毫无疑问，毫无疑问到用不着“主义”来加封，有吃饭主义吗？我不信有哪位教练或球员不爱祖国。但美丽的精神不更是荣誉？胆战心惊地去摸一把彩的心情，倒是把祖国轻看。
作家陈村说过：让中国人心里不平衡的事情有两件，一是世界杯总不能入围，二是诺贝尔文学奖总不能到手，这两件事弄得球迷和文人都有点魔魔道道。关于后一项，真的不大好再说什么了，要么是酸，要么是苦，甚至于辣，敬仰与渴望、菲薄与讥嘲也都表达过了，剩下的似乎只有闷闷不乐。
说一件真事：五六淑女闲聊，偶尔说起某一女大学生做了“三陪小姐”，不免嗤之以鼻。“一晚上挣好几百哪！”——嗤之以鼻。“一晚上挣好几千的也有！”——还是嗤之以鼻。有一位说：“要是一晚上给你几十万呢？”这一回大家都沉默了一会儿，然后相视大笑。这刹那间的沉默颇具深意——潜意识总是诚实的。那么，做一次类推的设想：五六作家，说起各种文学奖，一致的意见是：艺术不是为了谁来拍拍你的后脑勺儿。此一奖——摇头。彼一奖——撇嘴。诺贝尔奖呢？——我总想，是不是也会有那么一瞬间的沉默以及随后的大笑？
几位淑女沉默之后的大笑令人敬佩。她们承认了几十万元的诱惑，承认自己有过哪怕是几秒钟的动摇，然后以大笑驱逐了诱惑，轻松坦然地确认了以往的信念。若非如此，沉默就可能隐隐地延长，延长至魔魔道道，酸甜苦辣就都要来了。
很难有绝对公正的评奖这谁都知道，何不实实在在把诺贝尔奖看作是几位瑞典老人对文学——包括中国文学——的关怀和好意？瑞典我去过一次，印象是：离中国真远呀。
残疾人中想写作的特别多。这是有道理的，残疾人与写作天生有缘，写作，多是因为看见了人间的残缺，残疾人可谓是“近水楼台”。但还有一个原因不能躲闪：他们企望以此来得到社会承认，一方面是“价值实现”，还有更具体的作用，即改善自己的处境。This is a fact.这没什么不好意思。他们和众人一道来到人间，却没有很多出路，上大学不能，进工厂不能，自学外语吗？又没人聘你当翻译，连爱情也对你一副冷面孔，而这恰好就帮你积累起万千感慨，感慨之余看见纸和笔都现成，他不写作谁写作？你又不是木头。以史铁生为例，我说过，他绝不是一个甘于寂寞的人。我记得他曾在某一条少为人知的小巷深处，一家街道工厂里，一边做工一边做过多少好梦，我知道是什么样的梦使他屡屡决心不死，是什么样的美景在前面引诱他，在后面推动他……总之，那个残疾的年轻人以为终有大功告成的一天，那时，生命就可以大步流星如入无人之境，他决心赌一把，就像歌中唱的：我以青春赌明天。话当然并不说得这么直接，赌——多难听，但其实那歌词写得很坦率，只可惜今天竟自信到这么流行。赌的心情，其实是很孱弱、很担惊受怕的，就像足球的从决心变成担心，它很容易离开写作的根本与自信，把自己变成别人，以自己的眼睛去放映别人的眼色，以自己的心魂去攀登别人的思想，用自己的脚去走别人的步。残疾，其最危险的一面，就是太渴望被社会承认了，乃至太渴望被世界承认了，渴望之下又走进残疾。
二十多年前，残疾人史铁生改变了几次主意之后，选中了写作。当时我真不知这会把他带到哪儿去，就是说，连我都不知道那终于会是一个陷阱还是一条出路。我们一起坐在地坛的老柏树下，看天看地，听上帝的一声不响。上帝他在等待。前途莫辩，我只好由着史铁生的性子走。福祸未卜很像是赌徒的路，这一点由他当时的迷茫可得确证。他把一切希望都压在了那上面，但一直疑虑重重。比如说，按照传统的文学理论，像他这样寸步难行的人怎么可能去深入生活？像他这么年轻的人，有多少故事值得一写？像他这么几点儿年纪便与火热的生活断了交情的人，就算写出个一章半节，也很快就要枯竭的吧，那时可怎么办？我记得他真吓得够呛，哆嗦，理论们让他一身一身地冒汗——见过就要输光的赌徒吗？就那样儿。他一把一把地赌着，尽力向那些理论靠拢，尽力去外面拾捡生活，但已明显入不敷出，眼看难以为继。
他所以能够走过来，以及能在写作这条路上走下去，不谦虚地说，幸亏有我。
我不像他那么拘泥。
就在赌徒史铁生一身一身地出汗之际，我开始从一旁看他，从四周看他，从远处甚至从天上看他，我发现这个人从头到脚都是疑问，从里到外根本一个谜团。我忽然明白了，我的写作有他这样一个原型差不多也就够用了，他身上聚集着人的所有麻烦。况且今生今世我注定是离不开他了，就算我想，我也无法摆脱他到我向往的地方去，譬如乡下，工厂，以及所有轰轰烈烈的地方。我甚至不得不通过他来看这个世界，不得不想他之所想，思他之所思，欲他之所欲。我优势于他的仅仅是：他若在人前假笑，我可以在他后面（里面）真哭——关键的是，我们可以在事后坦率地谈谈这他妈的到底怎么回事！谁的错儿？
这么着，有一天他听从了我的劝告，欣羡的目光从外面收回来，调头向里了。对一个被四壁围困的人来说，这是个好兆头。里面比较清静（没有什么理论来干扰），比较坦率（说什么都行），但这清静与坦率之中并不失喧嚣与迷惑（往日并未消失，并且“我从哪儿来？”），里面竟然比外面辽阔（心绪漫无边际），比外面自由（不妨碍别人），但这辽阔与自由终于还是通向不知，通向神秘（智力限制，以及“我到哪儿去，终于到哪儿去？”）。
设若你永远没有“我是谁”等等累人的问题，永远只是“我在故我玩儿”，你一生大约都会活得安逸，山是山，水是水，就像美丽的鹿群，把未来安排在今天之后，把往日交给饥饿的狮子。可一旦谁要是玩腻了，不小心这么一想——“我是谁”好了，世界于是乎轰然膨胀，以至无边无际。我怀疑，人，原就是一群玩腻了的鹿。我怀疑宇宙的膨胀就是因为不小心这么一想。这么一想之后，山不仅是山，水不仅是水，我也不仅仅是我了——我势必就要连接起过去，连接起未来，连接起无穷无尽的别人，乃至天地万物。
史铁生呢？更甭提，我本来就不全是他。可这一回我大半是把他害了，否则他可以原原本本是一匹鹿的。
可现在已是“这么一想”之后，鹿不鹿的都不再有什么实际意义。史铁生曾经使我成为一种限制，现在呢，“我是谁”的追问把我吹散开，飘落得到处都在，以致很难给我画定一个边缘，一条界线。但这不是我的消散，而恰是我的存在。谁都一样。任何角色莫不如此。比如说，要想克隆张三，那就不光要复制全部他的生理，还要复制全部他的心绪、经历、愚顽……最后终于会走到这一步：还要复制全部与他相关的人，以及与与他相关的人相关的人，这办得到吗？所以文学（小说）也办不到，虽然它叫嚷着要真实。所以小说抱紧着虚构。所以小说家把李四、王五、刘二……拆开了，该扔的扔，该留的留，放大、缩小、变形……以组（建构或塑造）成张三。舍此似别无他法，故此法无可争议。
但这一拆一组，最是不可轻看。这一拆一组由何而来？毫无疑问是由于作者，由于某一个我的所思所欲。但不是“我思故我在”，是我在故我思，我在故我拆、故我组、故我取舍变化，我以我在而使张三诞生。我在先于张三之在，我在大于张三之在，张三作为我的创想、我的思绪和梦境，而成为我的一部分。接下来用得上“我思故我在”了——因这一拆一组，我在已然有所更新，我有了新在，就是说，后张三之在的我在大于先张三之在的我在。那么也就是说，在不断发生着的这类拆、组、取舍、变化之中我不断地诞生着，不断地生长。
所以在中我说：我是我印象的一部分，我的全部印象才是我。那就是说：史铁生与张三类同，由于我对他的审视、不满、希望以及他对我的限制等等，他成为我的一部分。And me?我是包括张三、李四、某一铁生……在内的诸多部分的交织、交融、更新、再造。我经由光阴，经由山水，经由乡村和城市，同样我也经由别人，经由一切他者以及由之引生的思绪和梦想而走成了我。那路途中的一切有些与我擦肩而过从此天各一方，有些便永久驻进我的心魂，雕琢我，塑造我，锤炼我，融入我而成为我。我原是不住的游魂，原是一路汇聚着的水流，浩瀚宇宙中一缕消息的传递，一个守法的公民并一个无羁无绊的梦。
所以我这样想：写作者，未必能够塑造出真实的他人（所谓血肉丰满的、栩栩如生的人物），写作者只可能塑造真实的自己。——前人也这样说过。
你靠什么来塑造他人？你只可能像我一样，以史铁生之心度他人之腹，以自己心中的阴暗去追查张三的阴暗，以自己心中的光明去拓展张三的光明，你只能以自己的血肉和心智去塑造。那么，与其说这是塑造，倒不如说是受造，与其说是写作者塑造了张三，莫如说是写作者经由张三而有了新在，这受造之途岂非更其真实？这真实不是依靠外在形象的完整，而是根据内在心魂的残缺，不是依靠故事的点水不漏，也不是根据文学的大计方针，而是由于心魂的险径迷途。
文学，如果是暗含着种种操作或教导意图的学问（无论思想还是技巧，语言还是形式，以及为谁写和不为谁写式的立场培养），我看写作可不是，我希望写作可不要再是。写作，在我的希望中只是怀疑者的怀疑，寻觅者的寻觅，虽然也要借助种种技巧、语言和形式。那个愚钝的人赞成了我的意见，有一回史铁生说：写作不过是为心魂寻一条活路，要在汪洋中找到一条船。那一回月朗风清，算得上是酒逢知己，我们“对影成三人”简直有些互相欣赏了。寻觅者身后若留下一行踪迹，出版社看着好，拿去印成书也算多有一用。当然稿酬还是要领，合同不可不签，不然哪儿来的“花间一壶酒”？
我想，何妨就把“文学”与“写作”分开，文学留给作家，写作单让给一些不守规矩的寻觅者吧。文学或有其更为高深广大的使命，值得仰望，写作则可平易些个。无辜而落生斯世者，尤其生来长去还是不大通透的一类，都可以不管不顾地走一走这条路。没别的意思，只是说写作可以跟文学不一样，不必拿种种成习去勉强它；不一样就是不一样，上厕所也得弄清楚进哪边的门吧。
历来的小说，多是把成品（完整的人物、情节、故事等等）端出来给人看，而把它的生成过程隐藏起来，把作者隐藏起来，把徘徊于塑造与受造之间的那一缕游魂隐藏起来，枝枝杈杈都修剪齐整，残花败叶、踌蹰和犹豫都打扫干净，以居高者的冷静从容把成品包扎好，推向前台。这固然不失为一种方法，此法之下好作品确也很多。但面对成品，我总觉意犹未尽。这感觉，从读者常会要求作者签名并好奇地总想看看作者的相貌这件事中，似乎找出了一点答案——那目光中恐怕不单是敬慕，更多的没准儿是怀疑，尤其对着所谓“灵魂工程师”，怀疑就更其深重。这让我想起一个笑话：某贵妇寿诞，有人奉上赞美诗，第一句“这个婆娘不是人”，众目惊瞠；第二句“九天神女下凡尘”，群颜转悦。我总看那读者的目光也是说着这两句话，不过每句后面都要改用问号。
我便想，那些隐藏和修剪掉的东西就此不见天日是否可惜？岂止可惜，也许竟是捡了芝麻丢了西瓜。那塑造与受造之中的犹豫、徘徊，是不是更有价值？拆、组取舍之间，准定没有更玄妙动人的心流？但这些，在成品张三身上（以及成品故事之中）却已丢失。为了要个成品，一个个仿真人物、情节和一个完整的故事，就值得把这些最为真切、甚至是性命攸关的心流都扔掉？为一个居高从容的九天神女，就忍心让谁家的老祖宗不是人？
在创作意图背后，生命的路途要复杂得多。在由完整、好看、风格独具所指引的种种构思之间，还有着另外的存在。一些深隐的、细弱的、易于破碎但又是绵绵不绝的心的彷徨，在构思的缝隙中被遗漏了，被删除了。所以这样，通常的原因是它们不大适合于制造成品，它们不够引人，不够流畅，不完整，不够惊世骇俗，难以经受市场的挑剔。
听说已经有了（或终将会有）一种电脑软件，只要输入一些性格各异的人物，输入一个时代背景或生活环境，比如是战争，是疑案，是恋情，是寻宗问祖，行侠仗义……再输入一种风格，或惨烈悲壮，或情意绵绵，或野狐禅，或大团圆……好了，电脑自会据此编写一个情节曲折的完整故事。要是你对这故事不甚满意，你就悠然地伸出一个手指，轻轻点一下某键，只听得电脑中“嘁哩咔嚓，嘁哩咔嚓”地一阵运行，便又有一个廻异于前的故事扑面而来。如是者，可无穷尽。
这可真是了得！作家还有什么用？
但很可能这是件好事，在手和脑的运作败于种种软件之后，写作和文学便都要皈依心魂了。恰在脑（人脑或电脑）之聪颖所不及的领域，人之根本更其鲜明起来。惟绵绵心流天赋独具，仍可创作，仍可交流，仍可倾诉和倾听，可以进入一种崭新但其实古老的世界了。那是不避迷茫，不拒彷徨，不惜破碎，由那心流的追索而开拓出的疆域。就像绘画在摄影问世之后所迸发的神奇。
因此我向往着这样的写作——史铁生曾称之为“写作之夜”。当白昼的一切明智与迷障都消散了以后，黑夜要你用另一种眼睛看这世界。很可能是第五只眼睛，第三他不是外来者，第四他也没有特异功能，他是对生命意义不肯放松的累人的眼睛。如果还有什么别的眼睛，尽可能都排在他前面，总之这是最后的眼睛，是对白昼表示怀疑而对黑夜秉有期盼的眼睛。这样的写作或这样的眼睛，不看重成品，看重的是受造之中的那缕游魂，看重那游魂之种种可能的去向，看中那徘徊所携带的消息。因为，在这样的消息里，比如说，才能看见“我是谁”，才能看清一个人，一个犹豫、困惑的人，执拗的寻觅者而非潇洒的制作者；比如说我才有可能看看史铁生到底是什么，并由此对他的未来保持住兴趣和信心。
幸亏写作可以这样，否则他轮椅下的路早也就走完了。有很多人问过我：史铁生从20岁上就困在屋子里，他哪儿来那么多可写的？借此机会我也算作出回答：白昼的清晰是有限的，黑夜却漫长，尤其那心流所遭遇的黑暗更是辽阔无边。
这条不大可能走完的路，大体是这样开始的——
有一回，我在平时最令此一铁生鄙视的人身上让他看见了自己，在他自以为纯洁之处让他看见了另外的东西。开头他自然是不愿承认。好吧，我说：“你会不会嫉妒？”他很自信，说不会。我说是吗？ “那张三家比你家多了一只老鼠你为什么嫉妒？”他说：“废话，我嫉妒他多一只老鼠干吗？”话音未落他笑了，说“这是圈套”。但这不是圈套。你知道什么可以嫉妒，什么不必嫉妒，这说明你很会嫉妒。凡你身有体会的东西你才能真正理解，凡你理解了的品质你才能恰切地贬斥它或赞美它，才能准确地描画它。joke!他说：“那么，写偷儿就一定得行窃，写杀人犯就一定要行凶吗？”但佛家有言：心既生恨，已动杀机。你不可能不体会那至于偷窃的贪欲，和那竟致杀戮的仇恨。这便是人性的复杂，这里面埋藏或蛰伏着命运的诸多可能。相反的情况也是一样，爱者之爱，恋者之恋，思者之思，绵绵心流并不都在白昼的确定性里，还在黑夜的可能性中，在那儿，网织成或开拓出你的存在，甚或你的现实。
还有一回，是在一出话剧散场之后，细雨蒙蒙，街上行人寥落，两旁店铺中的顾客也已稀疏，我的心绪尚不能从那剧中的悲情里走出来，便觉雨中的街灯、树影，以及因下雨而缓行的车辆都有些凄哀。这时，近旁一阵喧哗，原来是那剧中的几个演员，已经卸装，正说笑着与我擦身而过，红红绿绿的伞顶跳动着走远。我知道这是极其正当和正常的，每晚一场戏，你要他们总是沉在剧情里可怎么成？但这情景引动我的联想——前面，他们各自的家中，正都有一场怎样的“戏剧”在等候他们？所有散了戏的观众也是一样，正有千万种“戏剧”散布在这雨夜中，在等候他们，等候着连接起刚刚结束的这一种戏剧，黑夜均匀地铺展开去，所有的“戏剧”其实都在暗中互相关联，那将是怎样的关联呵！这关联本身令我痴迷，这关联本身岂非更是玄奥、辽阔、广大的存在？条条心流暗中汇合，以白昼所不能显明的方式和路径，汇合成另一种存在，汇合成夜的戏剧。那夜我很难入睡，我听见四周巨大无比的夜的寂静里，全是那深隐、细弱、易与破碎的万千心流在喧嚣，在聚会，在呼喊，在诉说，在走出白昼之必要的规则而进入黑夜之由衷的存在。
再有一回是在地坛——我多次写过的那座荒芜的古园（当然，现在它已经被修剪得整整齐齐够得上一个成品了）。我迎着落日，走在园墙下。那园墙历经数百年风雨早已是残损不堪，每一块青砖、每一条砖缝都可谓饱经沧桑，落日的光辉照耀着它们，落日和它们都很镇静，仿佛相约在其悠久旅程中的这一瞬间要看看我，看看这一个生性愚顽的孩子，等候此一铁生在此一时刻走过它们，或者竟是走进它们。我于是伫步。如梦如幻，我真似想起了这园墙被建造的年代，那样的年代里一定也有这样的时刻，太阳也是悬挂在那个地方，一样的红，一样的大，正徐徐沉落。一个砌墙的人，把这一铲灰摊平，把这一块砖敲实，一抬头，看见的也是这一幕风景。那个砌砖的人他是谁？有怎样的身世？他是否也恰好这样想过——几百年后，会不会有一个愚顽的人驻足于此，遥想某一个砌墙的人是谁？想自己是谁？想那时的戏剧与如今的戏剧是怎样越数百年之纷纭戏剧而相互关联？但很多动人的心流或命运