Chapter 5 chapter Five

There is a 60-day waiting period to file for divorce in Texas.In the past the state legislature decided it was a smart idea to legislate a cooling off period for people who wanted to divorce, but I'd rather the legislature leave it to me to decide whether to have a cooling off period or not.Once the decision is made, I want to complete the procedure as soon as possible. On the other hand, I made the most of those two months.The bruises healed, the bruises faded, and I started seeing a therapist twice a week.I had never seen a therapist before, and I expected to have to lie on the couch and talk while aloof professionals in white robes took notes.

Instead, I step into a cozy little office with a yellow fringed twill sofa, and I'm greeted by a therapist who looks a few years older than I am.Her name is Susan Beth, she has dark hair, bright eyes, and is very social. It was an indescribable relief for me to confide in her.She is considerate and intelligent, and as I describe my feelings and experiences, she seems to have the power to unravel the mysteries of the universe. Susan said Nick's behavior fit the pattern of the narcissistic personality disorder, which is common among abusive husbands.When she told me about this personality disorder, it felt like she was describing the past year of my life.Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) patients are authoritarian, eccentric, only concerned about themselves, impatient with the needs of others...and use rage to control others.Their disrespect for other people's boundaries means they feel entitled to bully and criticize until the victim is completely overwhelmed.

Being out of character is not the same as going crazy, Susan explained, because narcissists can control when and where they get angry, while lunatics don't.For example, he would never beat up his boss at work because that would be against his own interests.Instead he would come home and beat his wife and kick the dog.And he never feels guilty because he rationalizes his behavior and makes excuses for himself.No one else's pain counts but his own. "So you're saying Nick isn't crazy, but a sociopath?" I asked Susan. "Well... basically, yes. Remember, most sociopaths aren't murderers, they just don't have empathy and are pretty good at playing people."

"Is there a way to cure him?" She shook her head immediately. "It's sad to think of what kind of abuse or neglect might have caused him to be like this. But at the end of the day, Nick is Nick. Narcissistic people are notoriously resistant to psychotherapy. Because of their grandiose personalities, they never see There is a need to change." Susan smiled gloomily, as if recalling some unpleasant memories. "Trust me, no therapist wants to see a narcissist come in the door. That just creates a huge amount of frustration and wastes time." "What about me?" I asked bravely. "Is there a cure for me?" At that moment, my eyes hurt and I had to blow my nose, so Susan repeated her answer.

"Of course, Hafen. Let's work together. It will work." At first I was terrified that I would have to forgive Nick.It filled me with indescribable relief to hear Susan say no, I don't need to continue to be trapped in a cycle of abuse and forgiveness.The so-called responsibility to forgive and even counsel the perpetrator often makes the victim feel very heavy. That is not my job, Susan said.Finding a way to prevent the legacy of my experience with Nick from seeping into other areas of my life is a matter of later work.For now, let's focus on the other layers first. I found out that I am a person with very weak boundaries.My parents, especially my mother, have always taught me that being a good daughter means that there are no personal boundaries of any kind.I was brought up to always accept my mother's criticism, let her act on her own, and let her make decisions for me in things that had nothing to do with her.

"That's not the case with my brothers and her," I told Susan. "They have boundaries and don't let her interfere with their private lives." "Sometimes parents have very different expectations for sons and daughters," Susan said sarcastically. "My parents insisted that I should take care of them when they were old, but they would never think of asking my brother like that." Suzanne and I did a lot of cosplay and it felt so humiliatingly stupid at first, but I practiced standing up for myself as she took turns being Nick, my dad, my friend, my brother, and even my long-dead mother speak.It was difficult and left me tense and sweaty.

"Take 'no' as a vitamin." This became my motto.I feel like if I say it enough times, I can start to believe it. Paqi handled most of the divorce proceedings within the scope of my permission.And probably because of Lipper's flexible influence, he changed the way he treated me.Instead of telling me what to do, he lays out the options and—explains, without arguing with me about my decision.When Nick had the audacity to call the apartment and ask to speak to me, I said it was okay, and Gage forced himself to hand the phone to me. That phone call wasn't really a conversation, it was mostly one-sided speeches, Nick said, I'll listen.My husband gushed from guilt to anger to pleading that I was as much at fault as he was.

You can't give up on a marriage just because you're having a hard time, he said. That's not just a hurdle, I say. People who are in love will find a way to work it out, he added. You don't love me, I said. He said he loves me.Maybe he's not the best husband, but I'm also damn sure not the best wife. You must be right, I told him.But I don't think I deserve broken ribs. He said there was no way he could have broken my rib, it must have been accidentally broken when I fell. I said he pushed and hit me. I was shocked when Nick said he didn't remember hitting me.He said he might have slipped his hand accidentally.

I wondered if he really didn't remember, if he was rewriting the truth for himself, or if he was lying.Then, I realized, that doesn't matter. I won't go back, I said.No matter how he responds afterwards, I repeat this sentence.I will not go back.I will not go back. I hang up the phone and walk over to Gage, who's been sitting in the living room ever since.He held the armrests of the leather chair with both hands, until his fingertips made deep semicircular depressions on the smooth leather.But he left me alone to fight my own battle, which is what I needed. I filed for divorce on the grounds of unbearable, which means that the conflict of personalities between the two parties has diminished the "legitimacy of the marriage relationship" and made the marriage unbearable.The lawyer said that was the fastest way.As long as Nick doesn't protest.Otherwise, there will be a court session, and the two parties will definitely uncover all kinds of scandals and humiliation.

"Haven," Gage said to me privately, his gray eyes benign and his mouth stern. "I've tried my best to hold back and do what you want...but now I have something to ask you." "What's up?" "You and I both know that Nick can't go through the divorce process without protest unless we make him see value in letting go." "You mean paying him off?" My blood boiled at the thought of being paid money for Nick's treatment of me. "Remind Nick that I'm excommunicated. I'm—" "You're still from the Choi family. Nick's going to take his part out and play it all... the hard-working poor guy married to the pampered rich girl, and now he's being tossed aside like a bartender's rag. If he means it, Hafen , he can make the process as long as possible, make it more difficult and more public."

"Then give him my share of that apartment, the only property we have together." "Nick is going to want more than that apartment." I know the direction Gage is hinting at.He wanted to pay Nick to keep him quiet until the divorce was finalized.Nick is about to get a big paycheck after tossing me over and over again.I was so angry that my whole body began to tremble. "I swear," I said, truly furious, "that when I finally get rid of him, I'll never get married again." "No, don't say that." Gage reached out to me without thinking, and I flinched.I still don't like touching, especially from men, Susan said it's a defense mechanism and it gets better with time.I heard Gage drop his arms with a low curse. "Sorry," he mumbled, then sighed. "You know, putting a bullet in his head would be a lot cheaper and quicker than getting a divorce." I gave him a wary look. "Are you joking?" "Yes." There was no expression on his face, but I didn't like the look in his eyes. "Let's stick with the divorce option," I said. "I prefer that Matthew and Carina don't have to visit you in prison. What do you want to pay him? Should I crawl up and ask Dad for money for Nick? ... because I'm pretty sure I don't have a dime." "Just leave it to me to worry about it, and I'll figure it out later." Knowing that my brother not only bears the cost of my petition for divorce, but also pays for the reconciliation, I looked at him very sadly. "Gage-" "Never mind," he said quietly. "You'd help me too. You're not causing anyone any trouble, sweetheart." "It's not right for you to pay for my mistakes." "Haifen... part of being strong is being willing to admit that you need help sometimes. You walked into this marriage alone and went through the torture alone, damn it, you definitely don't have to figure out a way out alone. Let my brother help .” His quiet, sure demeanor made me feel as though my feet were on firm, solid ground, as if one day everything would really be smooth. "I'll pay you back the money later." "it is good." "I guess the only thing I'm more grateful for than that," I told him, "is when you pulled Butch out of the bushes." Divorce proceedings ended in February, and the next day I swallowed my pride and called Dad.I was deeply relieved that Nick was not in court the day the judge signed the verdict.Marriage requires both to be present, but divorce requires only one.Gage assured me that Nick would never be near the courtroom that day. "How did you do it? Threatened to break his leg?" I asked. "I told him that if I saw him, his balls would be hanging on the courthouse gate in five minutes." I smiled until I realized that Gage was not joking. Patch and Lipper had already informed the family that I was back in Houston and said I wasn't planning to see anyone or speak on the phone just yet.Naturally, my father wanted to be the master no matter what happened, and I avoided seeing him as an offense.He wanted Gage to tell me that I could see him anytime I was ready to put on airs. "Did you tell him I was getting a divorce?" I asked Gage. "Yes, I don't think he was surprised." "But did you tell him why?" I didn't want anyone to know what was going on between me and Nick.Maybe in a while I'll tell Jack or Joey, but I don't want to be public just yet.I don't want to be seen as a helpless victim, not ever again.Most of all, I don't want to be pitied. "No," Gage said, reassuring me. "I can only tell Dad that your marriage is not going well-and, if he wants to retain the slightest affection between father and daughter, he'd better not ask more questions." So, I finally called Dad, hands sweating as I clutched the phone. "Hey, Dad." I tried to sound casual. "Haven't spoken to you for a while. Just thought I should greet you." "Haifen." His hoarse voice sounded so familiar and reassuring. "It's been a long time since you called. What have you been doing lately?" "Get a divorce." "I heard." "Yeah, um... it's all over with Nick." Now that my father couldn't see it, I wrinkled my face like I had eaten a bitter dandelion salad, and forced myself to admit, "That was a mistake." "Sometimes the expected things don't make me happy." "Like hell," I said, and he gave a hoarse chuckle. "If you do get rid of him," Dad said, "I'll call this afternoon and have a lawyer put you back in the will." "Oh, good, that's why I called." It took him a while to understand that I was being sarcastic. "Dad," I said, "you can't keep pressing me with wills. Thanks to you, I'm well educated and there's no reason why I can't keep a job. So don't bother calling a lawyer, I don't want to listed in the will." "I said I would," Dad retorted, and I couldn't help laughing. "Whatever. I'm calling to say I want to see you. It's been too long since I've had a good argument." "Good," he said. "Let the horse come here." And just like that, our father-daughter relationship was back on track, as flawed and frustrating as ever.But I have boundaries now, and I remind myself that no one can cross my boundaries.I will be a one-man fortress. The world is the same, but I am a different person. This is much more difficult than being the original self in the new world.People think they know me, but they don't.With the exception of Todd, the other old friends had nothing to do with the new me.So I turned to my older brothers for support and found that being an adult added a lot of strength to their character. Joey is a commercial photographer, and he specifically told me he had a big house, and if I wanted to stay with him, there was more than enough room.He said he was away a lot of the time and we wouldn't invade each other's privacy.I told him how much I appreciated his offer, but I needed a den of my own.But living with him is actually pretty good.Joey people are very easygoing.I never heard him complain about anything.He goes with the river of life, a rare trait in the Choi family. But what really surprised me was Jack, with whom I had never gotten along before.When I was three, he gave me a bad haircut and scared the hell out of me with bugs and garden snakes.The grown-up Jack turned out to be my ally and friend unexpectedly.By his side, I could relax completely, and lingering anxieties evaporated like water droplets on a smoking frying pan. Maybe it's because Jack is so frank.He claims to be the least complicated person in Choi's family, and that's probably true.Jack is a hunter, comfortable being his predatory omnivore.He's also an environmentalist, and he doesn't see any conflict between the two.Any hunter, he said, who spends so much time in the wild, had better do his best to preserve nature. With Bud Jack, you always know what situation you're in.If he likes something, he won't hesitate to say so, and if he doesn't, he'll tell you the truth.He's on the right side of the law, but admits that some things are more fun when they're illegal.He likes easy women, fast cars, late nights, hard liquor, all put together he loves more.In Jack's view, sin was justified on Saturday night, so that there would be atonement on Sunday morning, otherwise it would be tantamount to putting those pastors out of work. After Jack graduated from the University of Texas, he left home to work for a small real estate management company.He ended up taking out a loan, buying the company and quadrupling its size.This is the career that suits Jack best. He likes to fix things, tinker and solve problems.Like me, he wasn't interested in the investment jargon, the sophisticated financial strategies that Gage and Dad were playing with.Jack favors fundamental issues of work and life.He's good at dealing under the table, solving legal bullshit with a quick knife, and making manly conversations.For Jack, nothing is more powerful than a handshake to make a promise.He would rather die than keep his promise. Given my experience at the Darlington Hotel, Jack said I would be a good fit for the residential side of his management company, which had its headquarters at 1800 Main Street.His current apartment manager was leaving because of her pregnancy, and she wanted to stay home with the baby for the first few years. "Thanks, but I can't help it," I said when Jack first mentioned me taking the job. "Why not? You'll do great." "It's nepotism," I said. "So what?" "Others are more qualified to take this seat than I am." "and then?" His persistence made me smile. "If you get your own sister to run them, the grassroots will complain." "Look," Jack said lightly, "that's the whole point of running my own business. If I want, I can hire a clown." "You can talk, Jack." He grinned. "Come on. Try it, it'll be fun." "Are you proposing to hire me because you want to watch me?" "In fact, we'll be so busy we'll hardly see each other." It makes me happy to hear it will be busy.After a year or two of being Nick's personal slave, I wanted to work and to achieve something. "You'll learn a lot," Jack coaxed. "You're in charge of the money, insurance, payroll details, maintenance bills. You also negotiate service contracts, buy supplies and equipment, and work with a leasing broker and an assistant. As a condominium manager, you can choose the building But you won't be stuck in an office all the time...you'll have to go out to meetings a lot. Then when you're ready, you can get involved in the business side, because I plan to develop the engineering management side, and that will Helped me out a lot, and then maybe—” "Who will pay my salary?" I asked suspiciously. "Is it you, or Dad?" Jack had an insulted look on his face. "Of course it's me. Dad has nothing to do with my management company." "That building is in his name," I pointed out. "It's me and my company that hired you... Believe me, 1800 Main Street is not our only client. Absolutely not." Jack looked at me with eyes of great patience. "Consider it, Haffin. It will do us both a great favor." "Sounds great," I said. "I don't know how to thank you enough. But I couldn't start out as a supervisor, Jack. I'm inexperienced. I'd take the job if I wasn't qualified, and it would be bad for both of us. How to start? I can learn from the grassroots." "You don't need qualifications," Jack protested. "You are from the Cui family, this seat should be yours." "Being in the Choi family means I have to work extra hard to qualify," I said. He looked at me and shook his head and muttered some liberal Yankee nonsense. I smiled at him. "You know it's justified. It's only fair that the managers go to people who really work hard." "It's business," Jack said. "It has nothing to do with fairness." But he finally backed down and said that if I really wanted to, he would never stop me from starting at the bottom. "Cut it all off," I say to Lipper, sitting in my plastic cape in her bathroom. "I'm tired of having so much hair, it's hot and tangled, and I never know what to do with it." I wanted a new look to go with my new job.Lipper is a former hair stylist and knows what she's doing.I think her skills will definitely make me look better. "Maybe we should do it in stages," Lipper said. "If you cut too much at once, it can be shocking." "No, if the length of the hair is less than 25 centimeters, it cannot be donated. You can just cut it." We plan to donate this bundle of 30 centimeters long hair to the Hair Love Project, and they will make a wig for the cause. Children who have lost their hair due to chemotherapy wear it. Lipper brushes my hair deftly. "With this short cut, a little bit of the curls will show," she says. "Your hair volume is too thick, pull your hair all the way down." She braided her hair and cut it off at the nape of the neck.I held onto the braids until Lipper brought the zipper bag, then put it in the little plastic bag, sealed it and stamped it with clam kisses. "Good luck to the next guy who wears it," I said. Lipper sprayed water on my head and moved the paring knife around my head, thinning the angled parts so that the strands fell into piles on the floor. "Take it easy," she said as she caught a glimpse of me inspecting the hair that had fallen on the plastic cape. "It's going to be nice." "I'm not nervous," I said matter-of-factly.I don't care how it looks, as long as it's different. She blow-dried my hair with a round comb, combed through her fingers to grasp the layers, and her face lit up with satisfaction. "Look here." I stood, slightly shocked by myself in the mirror, the good kind.Lipper gave me side-length bangs that swept across my forehead, and a high layered bob with feathers clipped slightly up at the ends.I look stylish and confident. "So fluffy," I said, playing with the layers. "You can have the ends curled in or out," she says with a smile. "How do you like it?" "Love to death." Lipper turned me around so we could both see the new hairstyle in the mirror. "It's sexy," she said. "You think so? I hope not." She gave me a questioning smile. "Yeah, I think so. Why don't you look sexy?" "That's false advertising," I said. The manager that Jack transferred from another office was Fanny Fu.She was one of those well-groomed, poised women who might look thirty-five at twenty-five and look no older at fifty-five.Although she's only of average height, her slenderness and good manners can fool you into thinking she's actually taller.Her facial features are delicate, and she looks steady with her sand-blonde hair.I admire her for always being calm and self-possessed. Her voice was not loud, crisp and soft, rubber-covered with velvet ice, but it had a way of forcing you to pay attention, as if it was your duty to hear what Fanny had to say. I liked her a lot at first.At least, I want to like her.Fanny was kind and compassionate, and when we went for a drink on our first day off work, I found myself talking too much about failed marriages and divorces.But Fanny was also recently divorced, and there seemed to be enough common ground between our ex-husbands that it would be fun to bring it up. I admired Fanny's honesty when she was open about my relationship with Jack worrying her.I assured her that I had no intention of relying on connections or suing him just because he was my brother.In fact, quite the opposite.I will work harder because I have to prove that I can.My sincere statement seemed to please her, and she said she thought we would have a good time working together. Fanny and I were both assigned an apartment at 1800 Main Street.I'm a little guilty of that, knowing that none of the other manager's assistants have an apartment, but it's a concession I made to Jack.He insisted on it, and I actually like living near my brother, it feels safe. The rest of the staff, who don't live in the building and commute every day, include Qin Mi, the petite office manager, Mansa Jan, the leasing broker, Pangfield, the marketing specialist, and Ruobai Lai, the accountant.Whenever we need legal resources, technical questions, or something we can't handle ourselves, we contact Jack's commercial department office. Everyone who works for Jack in the commercial department office seems to have picked up his style...compared with our office, the people there are very relaxed, almost jovial.Fanny held tighter.This means no wearing casual clothes to work on Fridays, and the "zero error rate" policy that everyone doesn't say but knows.However, everyone seems to think she is a good boss, tough but fair.I am going to imitate her and use her as an example.I think she will have a wonderful new influence on my life. But after a few days, I found out that I had been played. I was familiar with that tactic, it was Nick's usual one.The bullying bully, or personality disorder, needs to keep the victim confused, off-balance, and chronically unsure of themselves.That way, he or she can manipulate you more easily.Anything that makes you doubt yourself is probably their game.For example, a bully may make a statement about something, and after you feel the same way, he disagrees with his original statement.Or he can make you feel like you're missing something that wasn't there, or accuse you of forgetting something he never asked you to prioritize. What worried me was that I seemed to be Fanny's only target.The others seemed to have no problem getting along with her. She would put the file in the wrong file, and then ask me to submit it to her, making the scene very tense until I hurried to find the file.If I couldn't figure out where to put it, she accused me of hiding the Lane Zong.Then the file would appear in some odd place, like under a potted plant on top of a cabinet, or stuck between the copier and her desk.She gave everyone the impression that I was loose-minded and disorganized.I can't prove she's spoofing.The only thing that kept me from self-doubt was my shaky sanity. Fanny's moods and demands are unpredictable.She asked me to rewrite a letter three times, then decided to go back to the first version, which had been deleted long ago, and after that, I learned to save everything.She would tell me there was a meeting at 1:30, and by the time I got there, I was already half an hour late.She would swear she told me it was one o'clock.She said I must not have been paying attention. Fanny revealed to me that she had an assistant named Helen for many years, if the seat hadn't been taken away by me, she would have brought Helen to take up the post.I never imagined that I would break up a long-standing relationship and take away someone's rightful position.Fanny asked me to call Helen who was still working in the old office to find out the name and phone number of Fanny's favorite manicurist. I took this opportunity to apologize to Helen. "God, don't be sorry," Helen said. "I longed to leave her." I wanted to quit immediately, but I couldn't move, and Fanny and I knew that.With such a shabby resume, it was impossible to find my next job immediately after quitting.I also don't know how long it will take to find another job.There's no way I could complain about Fanny, that would make me look like a smug dame or a bigot, or both.So, I decided to hold on for a year.I'll find some way out and try to get out. "Why me?" I asked Susan, the therapist, after describing my situation with Fanny. "She could target anyone in the office. Am I the 'victim' message again? Am I looking weak?" "I don't believe so," said Susan gravely. "In fact, most likely, Fanny sees you as a threat. Someone she must suppress or defend against." "Am I a threat?" I shook my head. "Fanny doesn't think like that. She's confident and poised. She's—" "People who are truly confident don't bully the weak. I bet Fanny's apparent confidence is just a faux pas, a constructed camouflage to cover up her inadequacies." Susan looked at my skeptical expression and laughed. "And, yes, you are a big threat to insecure people. You are smart, well-educated, and pretty... plus your surname is Cui, conquering people like you, It can greatly enhance Fanny's sense of superiority." On my first Friday at Trey Management, Jack came to my stickroom with a large shopping bag tied with a bow. "Here," he handed me the bag over the hill of papers on my desk. "A little treat to celebrate your first week at work." I opened my shopping bag to find a chocolate brown leather briefcase. "Jack, the bag is so beautiful. Thank you." "You hang out with me and Heidi tonight," he informed me. "It's just another part of the celebration." Heidi is one of Jack's girlfriends in a constant dating harem.Since he had openly stated that he had no intention of being tied to anyone, they didn't seem to expect any kind of commitment from him. "I don't want to be the light bulb on your date," I protested. "You won't interfere with us," he said. "You're not even a normal-sized light bulb, more like an auxiliary light." I rolled my eyes, long ago accepting that my tall brother would inevitably make me a target for short jokes. "I'm tired," I said. "Trust me, I don't want to go to a party with you and Heidi. I might pass out on one drink." "Then I'll take you into a taxi and take you home." Jack looked at me unwaveringly. "I'll drag you out of here if I have to, Haffin. I mean it." Even though I knew he would never use force, I flinched and froze in the chair.Don't touch me, I want to say, but the words get caught behind my teeth, flapping the cage like a wild bird in captivity. Jack blinked in surprise and stared at me. "Hey...I was just joking, Honey. For goodness sake, don't look at me like that. It makes me feel guilty as hell, and I don't even know why." I force myself to smile and relax. "Sorry. Bad memory." It occurred to me that Nick wouldn't want me to go out and have fun or meet people tonight.He would want me to be home alone.For this reason, I decided to go out and anger him. "Okay," I heard myself say. "Maybe just play around. Is my outfit okay?" I'm wearing a black turtleneck, simple skirt and demure work heels. "Of course, it's a relaxed bar." "Not that kind of dating bar?" "No, this bar is for drinking and relaxing after get off work. After that, I will go to a bar for making friends. And if you pick a good person there, you can go to a quiet and beautiful bar to see if you have sex. opportunity. If it goes well, then bring that girl home.” "Sounds like a lot of work," I said. Fanny came to the opening between the sticks, slim and stylish and poised. "It was fun," she said, looking from Jack to the presents on the table.She gave me a friendly smile that baffled me. "Well, I guess you do deserve an award, Haffin...you did a great job this week." "Thank you." I was surprised and grateful that she praised me in front of my brother. "Of course," she added, smiling, "we've got to find a way to make you more efficient with your time." She winked at Jack. "Someone likes to write emails to friends when they should be working." That is not true.I was furious, but I couldn't argue with her in front of Jack. "I don't know how you could think that," I said in a neutral voice. Fanny smiled slightly. "I noticed that every time I passed, you immediately closed the window." She turned to Jack. "Did you just say you two were going out?" With a sinking heart, I knew she wanted to be invited along. "Yeah," Jack said with alacrity. "We need a little family time." "Nice. Well, I'm going home to rest and get ready for next week." She winked at me. "Don't play too hard, Haven. I'll need you to work hard on Monday." That, I thought darkly, was a hint that I hadn't done my best so far. "Have a nice weekend," I say and close my laptop. Jack was right, it was a pretty relaxed bar, although its parking lot looked a lot like an impromptu limo show.The interior of the bar is stylish, unromantic, packed, with dark wainscoting and dimmed lighting.I like Heidi, Jack's girlfriend who is very lively and laughs. It was a typical winter night, the weather in Houston couldn't make up our minds about what to do, the rain was falling intermittently, we hid under an umbrella, the wind was blowing from the side, and Jack led us into the bar.I presume Jack is a regular here, he obviously knows the guards, the two bartenders, a couple of the waitresses, and pretty much everyone who passes our table.In fact, Heidi seemed to know everyone too.I kept being introduced to groups of overworked Houstonians all eager for their first Friday night cocktail. Once or twice Heidi nudged me under the table when a handsome guy passed by. "He's handsome, isn't he? I know him and can match the two of you. And the one over there, he's handsome too. Which one do you prefer?" "Thank you," I thanked her for her efforts, "but I'm not over from the divorce yet." "Oh, you've got to find a transition boyfriend," Heidi said. "The transition man is the best." "Transitional man?" "They definitely don't want to take it too seriously because you know a guy doesn't jump right into a relationship after a divorce. They just want to be your limousine when you start having sex again. Now it's up to you to experiment time, girl!" "The world is my petri dish," I say, raising my glass. After slowly downing a glass and a half of vodka martini, I'm ready to go home.The bar was getting crowded, and the people filing past our table reminded me of salmon going up a river.I looked at Jack and Heidi who were obviously not in a hurry to move to the next place, and I felt the unique loneliness in the lively and happy room full of people. "Hey, you two... I'm going out." "No," Jack said, frowning. "It's not yet eight o'clock." "Jack, I've had two drinks and met three hundred and twenty-eight people." I paused and grinned at Heidi. "Including one or two transitional men with potential." "Let me match you up with one of them," said Heidi enthusiastically. "We can go on a date as four of us!" When hell and half of Texas freeze over, I thought to myself, but replied with a smile, "Sounds good. I'll talk to you later. See you all." Jack stood up. “我去帮你叫出租车。” “不，不用……留下来陪海蒂。我会请门口的人帮我。”我气恼地摇头，而他依然一脸关切。“我可以找到前门，招辅出租车。事实上，缅因街一八○○号那么近，我甚至可以走路回去。” “想都别想，”他说。 “我没打算用走的，只是指出重点……算了。祝你们玩得开心。” 想到等一下就能回家脱掉高跟鞋，我松了口气，钻入推挤的人群中。和这么多人贴这么近，让我有种黏腻的感觉。 “我想这不全然是种恐惧症，”我告诉苏珊我可能有性爱恐惧症时，她这么说过。“你目前的症状可归类为失衡，而且我相信这问题并不是根深柢固的。目前的情况是，在经历和尼克这一段后，你的潜意识说：『我要把反感和焦虑这两种感觉跟异性联想在一块儿，避免再次受到伤害。』这只是线路重组的问题。” “那我想继续照这路线发展。因为我想我内在并没有同性恋的倾向。” “你不需要转为同性恋，”苏珊微笑说道。“你只是必须找到对的男人。等你准备好，自然就会遇到了。” 回想起来，我真希望在认识尼克以前曾跟别人上床，那我才能有某些正面的联想，帮助我重整自己。我阴郁地猜想，我得和多少男人睡过才能喜欢性爱。我不擅长学着去喜爱某些事。 人群在吧台周围慢慢推进。每张凳子都有人坐，数百杯酒沿着桌面一大片闪闪发亮的马赛克瓷砖摆放。除非尾随群众，不然无法到达门口。每次一有他人的髋部、肚子或手臂冷淡地擦身而过，我就感觉胃部涌起一股厌恶。为了要分散注意力，我试着计算酒吧现在比防火规范核可的人数还要超出多少人。 群众中有人绊了一脚或没站稳，产生骨牌效应，一个接一个地往后倒，直到我感觉有人肩膀撞过来。那股冲力将我推向吧台前那排凳子，害我掉了皮包。要不是有个坐在那里的人伸手扶住，我可能就撞上吧台了。 “对不起啦，女士，”人群中有人喊道。 “没关系，”我喘着气找寻皮包。 “在这里，让我来拿，”坐在凳子上的男人说道，弯腰将它拾起。 "thanks." 那个男人直起身来把皮包交给我时，我抬头看进一双蓝眼睛，然后一切停止了，说话声、背景音乐、脚步声、眨眼、呼吸、心跳，全部静止。我只见过一个人有那么蓝的眼睛。炫目如恶魔的蓝色。 我很慢才反应过来，努力想使心脏重新启动，接着脉搏怦怦跃动，跳得太猛，也太急。我脑中只想到上次——唯——次——见到康翰迪时，是在我家的酒窖被他紧紧抱住。